TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Are you in Monday?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Okay, me too.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: That settles that then.
CLIENT: That's right; it's a holiday, except not for me.
THERAPIST: Me either.
CLIENT: (Laughs), (sigh), (pause), it's been a while.
THERAPIST: It has yeah. I hope you're I assume you're feeling better. I hope you're feeling better.
CLIENT: Well I'm not feverish anymore, but -
THERAPIST: That's a start. (Laughs).
CLIENT: (Laughs), (sigh), I've had this cough, chest infection I don't know what -
THERAPIST: Yuck.
CLIENT: For like, three weeks now. I figured if I was actually running a fever I shouldn't go out.
THERAPIST: (Clears throat). Right.
CLIENT: (Pause), oh what happened? Edson e-mailed me to ask if I wanted to go out to dinner after three and a half weeks of complete silence. Yeah, that was my reaction [00:01:06]
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: Like, I mean I've certainly, like had difficulty communicating and not spoken to someone I had started dating for you know, two, two and a half weeks. But always but when I reinitiated contact, I always explained why. Like -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: You know, [head down], (ph), at work, or I'm so sorry, I got really sick.
THERAPIST: Right. At least there's some acknowledgement.
CLIENT: Yeah like three and a half weeks is kind of a long time and so like -
THERAPIST: Well and before that things weren't so -
CLIENT: Exactly.
THERAPIST: Peachy either, right?
CLIENT: And in fact, the last like real conversation that we had I said, you know, it sounds to me like you're ambivalent about this. And I don't want to be pushy and make you uncomfortable, so the ball is in your court now. I'm going to back off.
THERAPIST: (Laughs).
CLIENT: Like I said that explicitly like I didn't hint at it. I literally said [I'm going], (ph), to back off and the ball is in your court now.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And then he doesn't like reply to that for three weeks, and then showed up to naked hot-tubbing. I was very confused.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I didn't know.
THERAPIST: Right. I [inaudible at 00:02:09]
CLIENT: So I was like I'd all ready dealt with that and like -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So I just told him no. No thanks. I think this is a bad idea. Best regards.
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: And he replied, "Oh, yes. I was going to say that over dinner. But I guess e-mail works too." Yeah, (pause). But it was really frustrating to me because like I was at work yesterday. And I kept thinking about this stupid situation that's like resolved now, instead of focusing on work -
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: And I don't know why I'm still thinking about it because it's done. Like I want to be able to box it up and put it away, and be like, no more.
THERAPIST: (Clears throat). (Pause), I'm not quite sure what to say. What comes to mind?. [00:03:14]
CLIENT: (Sniffs). Well the last two days -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: At work have been all about me getting distracted, and not being able to focus, and being about things that aren't productive for me to be dwelling on. I don't know. Have you read the news about Aaron Schwartz?
THERAPIST: Just a smidge.
CLIENT: Yeah, so he is a friend of a friend. So I've met I only met him once, but like a bunch of my friends are you know, grieving over his death.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And like it's just -
THERAPIST: He was 26 years old.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: [When I met him a], (ph), couple years ago [he was just a kid [inaudible at 00:03:46].
THERAPIST: Yeah. He's not a grad, is that right?
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: But [a techy fellow], (ph).
CLIENT: Yeah Stanford drop out was a fellow at Harvard. I don't know how that works since he didn't have a degree.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But (pause), -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I guess at certain levels of achievement, Harvard doesn't care if you have a degree or not.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (Laughs), (pause), but yeah so that's been on our mind a lot, even though, you know it's kind of second degree for me. Like I didn't -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Know him personally. But it's been really upsetting. And [00:04:28]
THERAPIST: How so? I mean it's not that I imagined it wouldn't be upsetting.
CLIENT: Right. (Pause), well part of it is that a lot of people I know are talking about suicide and depression a lot, in reaction to it, which is -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: You know, (pause), upsetting because that's something I've struggled with a lot. And it's just it's bringing up a lot of bad memories in the forefront of my mind. (Pause), and part of it is just like being angry at the way the justice system works in the U.S., and that you know standard operating practices for prosecutors is to you know level all the charges they possibly can put together these indictments that are three inches thick. Like it's just I don't see how that serves justice. [00:05:19]
THERAPIST: So the deal that he was on trial for something?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: Something that I consider innocuous. Dave disagrees with me on this. Dave and I have been fighting about it for a while.
THERAPIST: Is this a JSTOR thing?
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: Is that like a database or something?
CLIENT: Yeah, a scholarly journal.
THERAPIST: All right, and did he like use it the way he was supposed to or something?
CLIENT: He plugged his laptop, allegedly, into a router at MIT and downloaded, you know terabytes of data at high speed.
THERAPIST: To just use himself or just ?
CLIENT: No, to make public, because -
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: He believes, and I believe, and a lot of people believe that scholarly journal articles should be free to the public. You shouldn't have to pay 20 bucks an article to -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And research that in most cases was paid for by -
THERAPIST: Was publicly funded.
CLIENT: Taxpayer dollars, and (pause), yeah. [00:06:07]
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And (pause), I'm sorry [I'm sorting through], (ph), the story. So I kind of the impression that this is one of those instances where clearly being prosecuted for this was article was [inaudible at 00:06:28], but -
CLIENT: Right, but he had also struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for years -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Beforehand.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So you know, it might have been a precipitating factor, but -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: (Pause).
THERAPIST: There was a lot of other stuff going on too. (Pause), and what have you been thinking about [inaudible at 00:07:11]?
CLIENT: (Pause), just that it's all so unfair and such a waste. (Pause), (sniff), (pause).
THERAPIST: I guess I wonder if one reason you've been occupied with these things the last couple of days is that (pause), you don't really have a good answer for why the world works this way. (Pause), [wicked, bad], (ph), for two reasons, because the not knowing is bad. [00:08:34]
And these are terrible things. I mean the like (pause), you know, I think the thing with Edson was not epic in your life, as I understand it. But you know, it was hurtful and he [inaudible at 00:08:50] about it, and knew where the fuck he was coming from, and (pause), you couldn't protect yourself I don't think, from being hurt by him and by what happened.
CLIENT: Yep. (Pause).
THERAPIST: And so I was wondering about like -
CLIENT: I kind of want him to explain himself.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Like what the hell was he thinking, but like that's not going to happen, and -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: (Sigh), (pause).
THERAPIST: Yeah, I imagine there was a kind of even though, in a sense it's resolved -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: There's a feeling of [unresolvedness], (ph) -
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: About it in not knowing why this unfolded the way it did [inaudible at 00:09:39].
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: And not just kind of, (pause), yeah, but the way that that left you hanging.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: And then you get rejected. (Pause).
CLIENT: So there's an event this weekend sort of a sci-fi fantasy -
THERAPIST: What is it?
CLIENT: Convention. I'm not going because I made plans to go on a retreat at a monastery this weekend, and did not realize it conflicted with other things I wanted to do, until it was too late, but I'm very -
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:10:19] the church? I was going to say, for the church?
CLIENT: Not with my church
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: It's run by a Christian monastery and they're part of the same denomination, but they're not affiliated with my parish.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: So I'm excited about that. I'm looking forward to it. But a bunch of people are coming in from out-of-town for the convention, and a bunch of people were planning a dinner, and karaoke night tonight.
And this girl I've been sort of dating it's she is ambivalent about whether she wants to be dating anyone or not. But we've gone on a couple of dates and we're good friends, so I guess we're dating. So -
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: Has not bee resolved yet but anyway, she was the one organizing the dinner and for like people who were coming in from out-of-town -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Kind of hang out with people who live here.
THERAPIST: Yep, so she's local?
CLIENT: Yep she's local. She lives in the area and she didn't invite me. I felt terribly hurt and rejected, and -
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: Like they were doing the planning on Twitter, so I just tweeted at her, and said, hey, you know, can I crash your party? And she was like, "Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry. I forgot to invite you. I just it wasn't on my radar because you're not going to be at Areja, and "
THERAPIST: Right. [00:11:28]
CLIENT: "I forgot." And I was like (pause), so you know, this coming on the heels of a weird exchange with Edson. I just yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I'm feeling very unloved and unwanted. (Pause).
THERAPIST: Ouch.
CLIENT: Yep. And then on top of that, for the last two days after work, I've been going straight to the print shop. Have I told you about our print shop?
THERAPIST: Eighteenth century -
CLIENT: Eighteenth century letter press?
THERAPIST: Oh yeah, we talk a lot about it.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Like when you were doing the wedding invitations.
CLIENT: Yes that's right. Yeah I've been [running], (ph), together business cards for someone who like I vaguely know in passing, but I took the job mostly because it came across the mailing list and it looked interesting. This was not a favor for a friend, so much as -
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: Yeah, so it's like so I've been going straight from work to that.
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:12:19]
CLIENT: Yeah, yep. And so I've been like (pause), you know, posting on the blog -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Internal communications [inaudible at 00:12:33]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: To friends of mine. You know, I'm going to be in your campus in the evenings. Does anyone want to meet up for dinner? And no one has taken me up on it. So I've had dinner alone for the last two nights.
And it's just all compounding this sense of you know, everybody hates me and nobaody loves me, I guess I'll go eat worms.
THERAPIST: (Chuckles). Oh.
CLIENT: (Pause), but like I realize people are busy and it's short notice to say, you know, can you get dinner tonight.
THERAPIST: Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That really sucks eating by yourself [inaudible at 00:13:03]. I mean, I don't mean that this is what you're saying, but -
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And like and sometimes that works and sometimes it doesn't. Like a lot of people use the site for last minute like I'm free -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: When I didn't expect to be or you know, things come up does anyone want to get lunch. And you know, if someone's in the area and free, people will you know, -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Meet up for lunch or dinner or whatever, and like I've gone and met people for dinner, and I've said sorry I'm busy tonight.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And you know, it's [inaudible at 00:13:32] and -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: [inaudible at 00:13:36] individual people because people have certainly met up with me on short notice before too.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Just not this week.
THERAPIST: Yeah, right.
CLIENT: It's just been a perfect storm this week of like I'm all alone in the world and you know, the abyss is staring back at me. It sounds awfully melodramatic, but -
THERAPIST: But that's what if feels like. (Pause), Has our not meeting in a week and a half or so contributed at all to that as well, or not so much?
CLIENT: No, not so much. (Pause).
THERAPIST: Yeah even [coming down this way], (ph).
CLIENT: Yep. [00:14:43]
THERAPIST: (Pause), I guess this is a sort of because for me, why would it be hard to concentrate at work and why these events that relate to the abyss, could have preoccupied you?
CLIENT: (Pause), I'm just this feeling of being completely alone in the world is completely resistant to all contradictory evidence. Like I know there are two people who discovered that I wouldn't be at the major convention this year, and sent me very kind messages saying, you know, "I'm so sorry you can't be there. I'm going to miss you so much."
And you know, I had a good conversation with a friend of mine who moved a couple years ago and I actually convinced him to apply for a job at my company, so hopefully that'll work out. [00:16:04]
THERAPIST: Would that bring him back here?
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: Oh, cool.
CLIENT: (Pause), but I just (pause), I don't know, like there's all this evidence that I have friends who love me, and yet it's just not -
THERAPIST: I mean because it's not simply the kind of reality that invariously, (ph), had a lonelier week.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: It's also that you kind of, (pause), been sort of a black hole around that.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: There.
CLIENT: (Clears throat).
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00: 00:16:43]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: (Pause), I'm sure being sick helps too.
CLIENT: As I made Dave sick.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Well, in addition to being sick I get the guilts for being typhoid (ph), Mary.
THERAPIST: I'm sorry for that.
CLIENT: (Pause), when Dave gets sick, like he completely shuts down emotionally. He's just -
THERAPIST: Oh really?
CLIENT: I don't want to talk to anyone. Just leave me alone. Go away. Yeah.
THERAPIST: That must be helping too. That's terrible. I mean I'm not blaming him. He's sick and -
CLIENT: I know.
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:17:39]
CLIENT: I'm like rationally I know. This is how he copes with being sick and you know, it has nothing to do with me, except for that it's my fault he got sick.
THERAPIST: Except that it isn't, because you happened to be sick and you happen to live together. Like you either stop breathing and opening doors, like (chuckle). I mean -
CLIENT: Yeah, (pause). I don't know. (Pause), and my mentor at work has told me more or less about our project, so he's just raves sometime.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (Pause), and it's just, (pause).
THERAPIST: It's hard. Yeah [inaudible at 00:18:19] all around.
CLIENT: Yeah, (pause), and I'm a little bit worried because this retreat is a silent retreat. So you know, there's we're expected not to talk except around program items, which -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: You know, are sprinkled throughout the day. And I'm kind of afraid that this is just going to make my mental state worse.
THERAPIST: What is it you'll spend your time doing?
CLIENT: Prayer, meditation, contemplation there are four like formal church services a day. And then there's like programmed items by one of the monks, where they I'm not quite sure what's on the program, but yeah -
THERAPIST: (Clears throat)
CLIENT: We'll there will be lectures and kind of roundtable conversations about you know historically, you know, with theology of the retreat is about waiting for God in the darkness, so what you do when you feel like God is far away and so kind of looking at what people have said over the course of the history of the church.
(Pause), you know, when I booked this retreat, I just felt like so overwhelmed because so much was going on. I was so busy. I was just like you know, I need -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: To slow down and have you know, some quiet.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: (Pause), I know I hope it'll be good, but I'm a little bit worried. (Pause).
THERAPIST: Right, but you're worried about the [inaudible at 00:20:03]
CLIENT: Yep. (Pause).
THERAPIST: Yeah, and the question of [inaudible at 00:20:20], (pause), you know, why do you get in this kind of a hit. I mean sure, there's a lot that's happened to make you feel on your own, and isolated, and sad. And that sucks, but there's a way in which it gets harder to remember that you're not, or that -
CLIENT: Any potential feedback will -
THERAPIST: In many ways [inaudible at 00:20:44] to kind of temper what you're feeling, I think. And so why is that?
CLIENT: (Pause), (sniff).
THERAPIST: Do you have a thought?
CLIENT: (Pause), because I suck/ That's not a helpful thought is it?
THERAPIST: Well, (pause), it's indicative. It's not explanatory or at least not any kind of explanation that I could agree with you. [00:21:55]
(Pause), [inaudible at 00:22:15] often when things go wrong, it's [inaudible at 00:22:17] you suck, or when there are things you don't understand, or didn't predict, or can't protect yourself from. That's because you suck.
And that (pause), figuring out how to just be like yeah, or just feel alone I think, or upset that you couldn't protect yourself from some things that happen. (Pause), in fact, (pause), I guess I would imagine you would agree with what I'm saying but don't find it especially satisfying. [00:23:29]
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: And that you would prefer, (pause), something that would explain this so you didn't have to feel so bad about it.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: I'm not sure that exists. In other words, like, (chuckle), [I never got called for me to], (ph), find it, but what I mean is, (pause), I don't think this is something you can understand with your head in a way that like makes it better. I mean the feelings here are bad ones. You can [even make], (ph), worse [inaudible at 00:24:10].
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: But, (pause), I wonder if you have this fantasy that with the right explanation, you'd just be feeling a lot better about all of this.
CLIENT: (Pause), yep. [00:24:29]
THERAPIST: (Pause), which -
CLIENT: It kind of stinks that it doesn't work that way.
THERAPIST: Absolutely. (Pause), sure does. (Pause), but again I think that's another iteration of the same kind of just problem or issue, in that it's your fault, or maybe my fault if, you know, the correct, sort of answers [internal vision], (ph), can't be found.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: And so you can beat up on yourself, or I guess on me, for that. But, you know, at least you're sort of potentially in control of it.
CLIENT: Yep. [00:25:27]
THERAPIST: And can, through thinking and understanding, make it better. (Pause), though the illness (ph), is on you, though it means you may suck because you can't figure it out, or I think I can figure it out [or whatever], (ph).
CLIENT: (Pause), (snickers), (pause).
THERAPIST: And that the sort of thing that may make what's going on go from sort of like bad news to worse news.
CLIENT: Right, (sniffs), (pause).
THERAPIST: Like, (pause).
CLIENT: So I was in the shower last night -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: After the print shop because I accidentally spilled organic solvent all over me.
THERAPIST: Oh. [00:26:21]
CLIENT: And I started coughing up phlegm because I have this chest infection -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And it kind of triggered a gag reflex. So then I was throwing up and -
THERAPIST: Oh really?
CLIENT: I just had this sudden memory of being I don't know I was like four-years-old, and I was crying because I don't even remember why it was for I was crying. I was crying so hard that I started gagging and threw up. And my parents yelled at me. They kept yelling, and I starting crying again. And they said, "you know, I swear to God if you make yourself throw up again, I'm going to spank you, give you a reason to cry." (Pause), (sigh).
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:27:01], yeah.
CLIENT: I just, (pause), I don't know. I want to draw the connection of you know, I was taught to not experience bad feelings, or to pretend they don't exist.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I don't know, maybe that's too fast, (ph), of an explanation, but, (pause), hey, (pause).
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: I don't know. I think I never learned how to feel bad without, (pause), like trying to make the bad feelings go away, instead of just, you know, riding them out. Does that make any sense?
THERAPIST: Yep. (Pause), by the way, I've heard of a, (pause), a few cases where a kid about that age, two, three, four have, (ph), thown up from stress and upset not usually a good sign as far or sometimes it reflects well on the parent, child relationships are going, or really more specifically, (pause), the way in which the parents are there for the kid. [00:28:42]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Usually it's a good sign that something's quite wrong in that regard. I mean not new information but -
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Just for what it's worth. (Pause).
CLIENT: I guess I attributed the throwing up to just a physical gag reflex from like phlegm building up because that's something that happens to me a lot. You know, if I get -
THERAPIST: Do you mean when you were little as well as last night?
CLIENT: Yeah both.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Because it's happened to me on many occasions that you know, if I get too congested -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Just feeling that just kind of backing up, just -
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Triggers gag reflex and then -
THERAPIST: Yeah that may be. And maybe in your case it's not because of stuff going on between you and your parents though. I mean often, actually, like when little kids that have bad stuff going on like with a parent that's around food or things like that you know, like it's hard being a kid.
[They start to eat more and it starts a lot of struggle and stress around that growing up, or sometimes it's around emotion directly. But maybe it was just phlegm, like you said. In any case, what you were relaying, (ph), was around the way they were going to punish you for being upset.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: Which you still do.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: And (pause), or more likely like what you kind of learned from them to do, and which (pause), makes it worse when you're upset, in certain ways, I guess.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: Because they like rather than learning more patience with it or more sympathetic, (pause), [you know, having gone that way], (ph). Is that how where you were going?
CLIENT: Yep. [00:31:02]
THERAPIST: Yeah, (pause), I guess the other thing that's going on here is (pause), I imagine the bad feelings you kind of have this fantasy that they are like phlegm and that you can throw them up, and be rid of them. But [inaudible at 00:31:59]
CLIENT: [I don't know, yeah], (ph). (Coughs).
THERAPIST: (Pause), maybe your friends treated them a little bit that way too like you have these bad things in you right now and you must get rid of them, or we will whack you.
CLIENT: Yep. (Pause), I heard that said a while I'll give you a reason to cry, as if whatever prompted my crying fit wasn't a legitimate reason to cry.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: (Sigh), (pause). [00:34:00]
THERAPIST: I see, so (pause), when you're upset, you don't necessarily have legitimate reasons for being upset either? Is that, (pause), right? [inaudible at 00:34:21] -
CLIENT: Maybe.
THERAPIST: [In some ways], (ph).
CLIENT: I mean certainly this week there's been a lot of you know, friends saying, "Why are you being so upset about this. This is ridiculous to be upset about." So maybe it is a you know not legitimate to be upset.
THERAPIST: I guess I would imagine it sort of occurs at different levels, like when you step back and think about it. I mean you know, like what I said a few minutes ago, like gosh [inaudible at 00:34:51] go alone. Like it wasn't as though you're saying, (pause), it doesn't sound like an entirely alien point of view -
CLIENT: (Coughs).
THERAPIST: A really way you never would have thought of looking at it -
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: Or something, but on another note is how you react to it is more like it.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: It's not okay.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Because you suck, stuff like that.
CLIENT: Yep, (pause), I mean I can try to logic myself out of feeling bad. Like you know, it's not a big deal that I eat dinner alone. You know, I gave my friends really short notice. Of course they were busy. Why are you upset about the cemetery? You're being illogical.
THERAPIST: Yeah, especially with the kind of week [inaudible at 00:35:39].
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: You were feeling lonely.
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: And I don't know, eating dinner like next time [inaudible at 00:35:52].
CLIENT: Yep, (pause), yeah, instead I bought a pita from the student center and took it to the print shop and ate it alone, sitting on the stool in the shop.
THERAPIST: That's sad. I mean you don't have friends or people who want to eat dinner with you? I mean logistically, it sounds like it -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Was the timing more than anything else, or whatever.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: But, (pause), that's no fun.
CLIENT: Yep. Usually working in the print shop cheers me up, I enjoy it a great deal. But you know, by the time I was done working yesterday, (sniff), I felt even worse, and did not feel the happy sense of accomplishment that I usually get after finishing a job.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT:I feel a little bit cheated.
THERAPIST: Sure, (pause), was it being alone for dinner that spoiled it, or were there other things about working there that weren't as satisfying as they generally are? [00:37:01]
CLIENT: I don't know, I mean it was an easier job than usual, business cards in four colors which means, you know, laying out text four different times, inking up the press, cleaning off the press four different times, and switch. You know, those are the least fun parts of the job, the inking up and cleaning up after.
And I started out every three sessions, so yesterday I only had two line of text to set, and it went really, really fast. I was done in under two hours, which is unheard of. So it was an easy job and it didn't feel all that satisfying when I was done.
THERAPIST: Do you think if it were more complicated, challenging, it would have helped?
CLIENT: Maybe. I mean I took photos of the card on my cell phone and sent them to the customer -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And said, you know, they're ready to pick up whenever you want, and he was very appreciative. He said they looked great. It was very adhesive and said thanks. So it's not that he wasn't appreciative. I don't know, just, (pause). [00:38:18]
THERAPIST: Did you want her to be more upset?
CLIENT: No, no, but -
THERAPIST: It wasn't that yeah.
CLIENT: It was not that at all.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (Pause), so I don't know why I don't -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Why I'm not giving myself the mental pat on the back for a job well done.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: I've earned it but -
THERAPIST: Right, (pause).
CLIENT: And of course that's contributing to the general sense of you know [inaudible at 00:38:48] broken in capable of feeling emotions like a normal human being. (Pause).
THERAPIST: You're perfectly capable of feeling emotions like a normal human being. It's just that, (pause), like most human beings, as far as I can tell, you've also, sort of learned or had anyone given you like reactions to the emotional life that you've had has caused trouble. [I don't know], (ph), how this works. Do you know what I mean?
CLIENT: (Coughs).
THERAPIST: We can stop for now. [inaudible at 00:39:37]?
CLIENT: Yep.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: 5:15?
THERAPIST: Hope you feel better.
CLIENT: Thanks.
END TRANSCRIPT
