TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi. Come on in.

CLIENT: How are you?

THERAPIST: Good, thank you.

CLIENT: I worked last night so I'm a little tired. I had a really, really bad night at work, unfortunately. They took away one of our people and floated them to another floor and then we were short-staffed. Everything just kind of happened when they took away our staff. I'm exhausted and frustrated. [00:01:03] I had a good week, just at work and me and Steve getting along better. He actually took the initiative to clean without me asking him to do that, which was nice. With that I'm fine, but then my job (snickers) was very stressful. I always feel like I get walked all over at work as opposed to other people because I always say yes. I'm trying to find my voice (chuckles) pretty much because I always stay late and I don't get paid for it. It's not fair, so I was very frustrated when I got out of work today. [00:02:00]

THERAPIST: Where do you think your voice went? Where should you go looking for it?

CLIENT: I don't want to react when I'm at work so I kind of just hold it all in and then get home and explode, which is not good. I have a very hard assistant manager that's like a Nazi on us and, for work, she looks at the details that aren't important, more like micromanaging. She's a very high-strung manager so she makes things a little more difficult when she's there. She was there this morning. I would like to be able to talk to her without getting emotional. [00:03:01] Some of the things are not right. I should be able to go home and not have to help her. I was aggravated about that. She always says, "You hold everything in. I just let it out. That's why I don't have blood pressure problems." (chuckles) I'm like "okay." The floor is very busy and short-staffed. It's hard to work when there are just three. I work nights; it's just a different schedule for me. I don't do well on nights at all. I don't think I can do this, being bounced around from days to nights. It's not fun. I'm exhausted. (chuckles) [00:04:00] It's like how do I get to that point where I can just hold back my emotions and be able to express myself? That's what I want to work on.

THERAPIST: What do you think is preventing you from expressing yourself?

CLIENT: That point? I would say anger. I get angry so I'm not able to calmly talk about it. There is another employee that's my friend outside of work, but working with her, she's a little wound up, too. She gets frustrated easily and she'll start having little fits saying how she can't talk to them about it, so it's easier just to mutter it to yourself and not start anything. [00:05:02] I was aggravated. I think it's easier for me to go back the next day and talk to them up front, but if I was to do that I would never get out of work. It would go above and beyond and I don't get paid for an hour or two hours that I'm still on the floor. Their excuses it's just work. I don't think that's fair.

THERAPIST: You feel used?

CLIENT: I feel like defeated.

THERAPIST: How?

CLIENT: Because I go in there with a plan to get out on time and do certain things that make me a better employee and you just have the chaos of the day. [00:06:06] There are a lot of employees that don't do anything and I have to pick up and help them and it's disheartening. It distracts you from your job. I go in there every day and I'm like, "I'm going to get out on time. I'm going to get notes done. I'm going to do my SS (ph?) and make sure everything is good," and it never happens. I feel it's more because of other people. They know they can go to me, so I end up doing their work and then mine last. I used to think that was a good quality and now I'm just exhausted. [00:07:09]

THERAPIST: And frustrated?

CLIENT: Yeah, definitely frustrated. When you have to pick up everybody else's mess and you can't do diddly of your own and then you go and give a report. We give a report. We hand off to the next person. If you don't have things finished on your own, it makes you look bad. It's a 24-hour job and that's what they always say. But every time I'm there I feel like (snickers) I'm held responsible for things that are kind of out of my hands. It's hard to anyone, though. They'll say the same thing. [00:07:58] I just want to find my voice. I think I'll be happier if I can speak up for myself. (sniffles) (pause) I'm trying. (crying)

THERAPIST: Are you afraid what will come out if you speak for yourself?

CLIENT: If I speak up for myself, I feel certain people like there's a retaliation. I have to figure out a way I can do it so that it doesn't come to that. We're in a union so I could go to the union. I really don't want to do that. [00:09:01] I would like to be able to speak to my superiors. (pause) I'm sure I'm not the only one that feels that way. When you get to work, I start every day new and not look for that stuff, but I kind of just go on; but that doesn't seem to help any more. (snickers) It's frustrating, everything inside, making it seem like it's better is not helping. (pause) [00:09:58] I feel defeated. I do. (pause) It's probably because I'm overtired. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: When I think of defeated, I think of losing a war.

CLIENT: It feels like that sometimes. (sniffles) You just want to do your best and it feels like the people that work the hardest get beat on and people expect that from them. Other employees that are so laid back and are so lazy. [00:11:00] They'll set up and they won't do their work and it seems like management favors that, which I don't get. (pause) It's weird. [ ] (inaudible at 00:11:24)

THERAPIST: I lost that piece. "It's weird" . . . management favors laziness?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: How do they favor it?

CLIENT: They gave those people less responsibility. It seems like they'll give them easier students and they get out on time and they get away with stuff. It's funny that they don't pick up on it. [00:12:01] I see it with a lot of people. It's like politics (sniffles) or whoever they're friendly with.

THERAPIST: Do you ever feel like your dad when you feel like this? It seems like he had very much a sense of things being unfair.

CLIENT: No. For a whole year it didn't bug me because I'm a hard worker. (sniffles) I didn't mind staying, but when it starts to interfere with your life [ ] (inaudible at 00:12:46) and when it goes unnoticed, I think that's aggravating. I don't feel like my father at all. [00:13:00] My dad is somebody that will never be happy, no matter what he does. Now he has a good job where everybody loves him and he thinks it's too easy, so it's not challenging enough for him. It's two different categories. I think a lot of people feel that way about teaching. They give their all and it's to the point where you go home and you're so stressed out. Other days it's just a piece of cake so [ ] (inaudible at 00:13:46). If you're properly staffed and if you have stability on the floor, it's not like you're going to have a hard night. (sniffles) [00:13:59] They took from our floor, which is a surgical floor. If anything is going to happen, it's going to happen at night when there's no staff. They took a person from our floor for another floor that had five and three aides and the same amount of people, which made no sense to do that. It was three people. It wasn't just me overloaded, but three people really working hard, stressed out. Management doesn't stick up for you, so it's going to happen again. It's just frustrating. When I started there I was kind of learning the system, how things worked, and now I'm getting it so it's bothersome. [00:15:04] I just want to go and do my job and leave. It was exciting when it was new. Now it's just like I'm burnt.

THERAPIST: And when you get tearful like this, what are you feeling?

CLIENT: I don't know. Tired. Frustrated. Just stressed out, usually. (sniffles) I'm usually tearful, too, when I'm angry, but that's different. I'm so stressed. I'm not at peace. [00:16:02] (pause) (sniffles) When I'm working too much, when I haven't slept or whatever, I feel like I can't get anything done in my life to make it enjoyable because you're always playing catch-up. I think I'll definitely feel better when I'm able to talk to my manager about this. I just have to get the courage. [ ] (inaudible at 00:16:48) I think the worst part is holding it inside. (pause) [00:17:03]

THERAPIST: You feel that courage will help?

CLIENT: Yeah. (sniffles)

THERAPIST: What are you afraid of?

CLIENT: I guess I'm afraid of this. I want to be able to have a clear head and don't want to be crying when I talk to the manager. I'm so emotional. (snickers) I feel like if I'm emotional I'll not be able to get my point across. The assistant manager, you can't really talk to her about that kind of stuff because she takes it personal. She definitely oversteps her boundaries when it comes to professionalism. She'll even text us when we're at home to ask us questions. [00:18:04] (sniffles) You don't do that. It's a violation of [ ] (inaudible at 00:18:10), but nobody every says anything. I usually just ignore her texts and the other girls will stay in contact with her and text her, even when she's at home, about stuff, which I don't do. I'm not going to do that. It's just very odd. If she really needs somebody, we have a supervisor. I feel like our manager is just not there enough to see what's going on and I don't think anybody talks to her about it. [00:19:01] I don't know. (pause)

THERAPIST: All this sounds like you don't feel protected or taken care of.

CLIENT: You know. (crying)

THERAPIST: The stress seems to be related to being out there on your own.

CLIENT: I'm an independent person at work. I'm definitely there for other people, but I don't ask for help. I think they get used to that. I don't ask for help unless I need help. I'm not going to take from somebody. When I do ask for help, people don't take notice. It's frustrating. (sniffles)

THERAPIST: Why do you think? [00:20:01]

CLIENT: I don't know. It's busy; everybody else has something else to do. It's because I do that. I allow myself to let them treat me that way, I think. I would stay the extra time in the beginning and not care. If they said they were going to give me overtime or whatever, I would be like, "Oh, no. It's okay." I thought it was like I just wasn't picking it up fast enough because I was new, so I was like, "It's my fault," kind of putting it on myself. (crying) But now that I'm confident and I know what I'm doing and I'm faster at stuff, I know that I'm spending my own personal time there when I shouldn't be and I think that they're just used to that. [00:21:06] That's frustrating. Any of the others will say, if they see I'm having a bad day, they're like, "What's going on?" (crying) They're like, "You never complain." I'm starting to say "no" more when they call me in. They really expect it. My assistant manager is so manipulative. She'll ask me to pick up time. She'll be like, "Oh, you want this shift?" I have a hard time saying no. Now I'm like, "Oh, let me think about it. Let me check my schedule." She's like, "Other people want this shift so if you don't want this shift, let me know." [00:22:01] Other people don't want to work this shift, but she's trying to manipulate me. (sniffles) That's kind of how she manages. It's funny.

THERAPIST: It doesn't sound that funny.

CLIENT: It's odd that she gets away with it.

THERAPIST: I see. Why do you think it's hard for you to just say "no?"

CLIENT: In the beginning when they were interviewing me I said I was very flexible about overtime and stuff. I think, in the long run, my manager is pretty good when I need days off. She's very flexible with me so I kind of felt like I was reliable and that was my attribute. [00:23:05] (sniffles) But it's just too much now. I tried for a long-term setting. We have sub-acute, and that was really boring, so I transferred here and this is one of the busiest, most demanding floors. In the interview they said, "Oh, yeah. Sometimes we don't even get out of here until 7:00." I was like, "Oh, that's good," but I thought I was going to get paid for it. I thought I was going to get overtime if I was documenting, but they don't consider that. It's like your own time, for some reason, and they want you to document because they have to be able to see what you did. [00:24:00] So if you are really called into court, you know? I think I'll be a lot happier if I get out of work on time like everybody else. (sniffles)

THERAPIST: One of the thoughts you had about saying no is that somehow you won't be valued as much because you were brought on because you were sort of willing to take things on.

CLIENT: Yeah. I feel like that, but I know that's not true. I'm sure they value me in other ways, but I kind of don't stay now, you know? (sniffles) I do everything I'm supposed to do and I'm a very personable employee. [00:25:04] I never have a problem. I never have anybody saying that I am rude. I see the managers being rude and that's what I like about my job. (sniffles) You deal with the whole person. This one manager starts talking to you and redirects the conversation so you can get in and get out and do your work; but that's not what I consider work, you know? [00:26:03] She's taken the fun out of all of it.

THERAPIST: Do you think you're caught between two value systems, taking care of others at the expense of your free time, and also taking care of yourself? Do you think you're caught in the middle of that?

CLIENT: Right. Yeah. That's what I like about my job. I'm able to take care of them and I feel like if you don't treat them like their illness or their disease, I feel like people heal better and they're more positive. They're more willing to help themselves, instead of just going in there and pushing them to take medication and then do what you have to do and get out. [00:27:08] (voice breaking) I never would have been a teacher if that's how it is. I think I can do both if without somebody breathing down my throat. It's odd. It's not a daily thing. It was just today. It's happened to me a couple of times. (sniffles) And it's not just me. Everybody else complains. She doesn't care and nobody has stuck up. There's one person that's stuck up for themselves and it just keeps happening. [00:28:01] (sniffles) I think the hardest thing is that I really like her and I respect her as a person, but I do not like her management style, so it's hard. She's a very personal teacher where she really gets into your business and bonds and not a manager, really. She really thinks she's our mother. She mothers us so she's like your worst nightmare and your best friend, which makes things confusing.

THERAPIST: How is she both?

CLIENT: She'll treat us like you're kids and she'll go, "Oh, I can tell you're having a bad day." [ ] (inaudible at 00:29:01) On the other hand, if she wants something done she'll drag you through the mud. I think it's hard to be a manager and be able to separate being personal and friendly with your staff and not get involved in all the politics, just be a good manager. She can't do that. The other manager is able to do that, so I think if I talk to her maybe. (pause)

THERAPIST: It sounds like the situations are so different, but the feelings that you have towards work are similar feelings that you can have towards Sean sometimes. [00:30:04]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You feel kind of walked over and taken advantage of.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think I put myself in that position is why. I definitely do. (sniffles) Are you saying maybe it's just me and how I'm taking things?

THERAPIST: I actually wasn't even going that far. I was just drawing an analogy between those two experiences. I don't know. Do you have thoughts about that?

CLIENT: I just feel like I really, really put myself in that position and then, after a while, (crying) I start resenting people because it gets old. I just feel like I've done it my whole life. I'm trying to be a stronger person and self-directed. [00:31:03] I know I'd be happier. (pause)

THERAPIST: Trying to be stronger because you feel like you're not strong enough?

CLIENT: Yeah, I'm not strong enough emotionally. (pause) (sniffles) [ ] (inaudible at 00:31:40)

THERAPIST: What are the attributes?

CLIENT: Like a tough outer shell and a soft inner shell, where you're very sensitive but you act like you're tough. (sniffles) [00:32:06] (chuckles) That's just something I want to work on with myself.

THERAPIST: What would that look like, being stronger emotionally?

CLIENT: I would think just being able to voice my opinion. I don't do that. Like with Steve, in my house, I have no problem; but with work and stuff I definitely have a problem doing that.

THERAPIST: Are you worried that people won't listen to you?

CLIENT: I don't really like altercations. I'll fight with Steve any day, but when it comes to work I feel a little more passive. I feel like I can't communicate well enough. [00:33:01] (sniffles) I've tried it in the past, like with this one particular manager. I tried speaking up for myself and she just talked down to me and made excuses. She acted like I was arguing with her when I was just trying to voice my opinion. She definitely [thrives on being evil] (ph?) and there is another girl she did the same thing to or two of them, actually. She'll just go looking for things that they did wrong. There is never a time that she ever said "good job," which is really, really odd. (sniffles) [00:34:04] She is nasty. She'll come up to me and talk bad about another employee. This is my manager. I'm like, "I wonder what you say behind my back?" I really should say, "Maybe you should talk to a manager about it because that puts me in a weird position because I have to work with these people." (sniffles) (pause) Any time I ever voice my opinion they think I'm arguing with them.

THERAPIST: You think that or they think that?

CLIENT: That particular manager thought that. She said to me, "I won't have a pissing contest with you," whatever that means. [00:35:11] I'm just telling her that I can't take on another student. (crying) I think the senior teachers that have been there for a long time, they stick up for themselves and she knows I never say no. That's what she said to me. She was like, "Oh, you caught me off guard. You never say no." (chuckles) (sniffling) [ ] (inaudible at 00:35:38) That's what I hate about myself. I never say no.

THERAPIST: Hate is a strong word, that you think that about yourself. [00:36:07]

CLIENT: Yeah. [ ] (inaudible at 00:36:15) (crying) (pause) I don't find that a very good quality, if you're not able to stick up for yourself. It's like weakness. [00:37:06] (pause)

THERAPIST: You feel like [ ] (inaudible at 00:37:12) yourself.

CLIENT: Yes. That's how I feel. When I'm not able to voice my opinion, I let people walk all over me. It's been like that my whole life. (crying) I don't want to do that anymore. I know I'll be much happier if I just start sticking up for myself. [00:38:07]

THERAPIST: What do you think will help you to do that?

CLIENT: (snickers) I don't know. I think if I eventually do it and I keep practicing, it will stick with me. Do you ever think about a certain situation and you think about what you could do differently next time? I used to think about that all the time. (crying) I never really voiced what I wanted to say. Even if I'm able to just have a little time to think about things, that's something that I'm going to have to practice. [00:39:04]

THERAPIST: Do you think, in part, this comes from the fact that you weren't encouraged to have your own voice when you were growing up?

CLIENT: Definitely.

THERAPIST: Because you describe, especially with your dad but your parents in general, being kind of controlling and telling you what to do.

CLIENT: Probably, but I always kind of rebelled with them. I always had a voice with them. If they listened or not, I would always tell them how I felt. They didn't listen to me or validate it, so maybe. I don't know. But that's something I need to move on and stop feeling that way because this is my life. [00:40:00] (sniffles)

THERAPIST: It just seems that anticipating that someone will listen to you, that sounds very stressful.

CLIENT: I guess it's not something I think about. It's just more conflicts or situations are stressful. It's not like I'm daily thinking about that. The most stressful thing is getting to help everybody else and not able to get to yourself. That was the whole reason I wanted to come to therapy, is to learn to just take care of myself. I'm definitely trying to do that. [00:40:57]

THERAPIST: Do you feel like you'd feel guilty if you gave to yourself?

CLIENT: Yeah. I think that's part of my mother. She always told me not to focus on myself, to give to others, not to dwell on things, more religion-wise. Turn the other cheek. (sniffles) That stuff did not work for me. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: You say that in response to something that you were telling her or is it more kind of a lecture-mode, for lack of better . . ?

CLIENT: Yeah. That's the way she lives her life. That's' what she would always say to me. (sniffles) Do for others. That's what she does. That's how she lives. She does for others. She does not live for herself. [00:42:02]

THERAPIST: Do you think she's happy with that?

CLIENT: I don't know. She says she's always happy. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: Do you believe here?

CLIENT: No. Not at all.

THERAPIST: Does she seem unhappy to you?

CLIENT: Not when I'm around her.

THERAPIST: No?

CLIENT: She'll bring up things, but she has such an energetic spirit, so I don't think stuff like that gets her down. I think she makes excuses and she's able to keep going. She doesn't dwell on anything. (sniffles) I know some things bother her. She talks about my brother's wife all the time. [ ] (inaudible at 00:42:51). They had a bridal shower and she was saying how my brother's wife said, "Maybe we'll see if you can see my kids." Stuff like that. [00:43:02] I don't know if I can believe everything my mother says. I think she's a little dramatic. She is always constantly bothering them, so they probably might get annoyed with her. She seems happy.

THERAPIST: Other than that relationship.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Which you've mentioned before. It sounds like she's invested in it in a lot of different ways.

CLIENT: It's funny. It's funny to me because I feel like she's overreacting. I don't see my brother's wife acting like that. I know she has in the past when she was 15, but I don't see that with her so I don't know. I think my mother just wishes my brother had a better relationship with her and she blames it on his wife not letting him go to see my mom. [00:44:04] I don't see it's all his wife. I think it's my brother. I think when he and his wife fight, my brother goes to my mother and she takes it personal. (sniffles) It's hard.

THERAPIST: Marlene, we're going to need to stop for today. I'm not here next week and back the following week.

CLIENT: Oh, you are? I thought it was two weeks.

THERAPIST: No, just one week.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay? I'll see you I think it's the 13th.

CLIENT: I thought a check [ ] (inaudible at 00:44:41), but I did get the check.

THERAPIST: Okay. Thanks. Take care.

CLIENT: You, too.

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