TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi, Marlene, come on in. I'm just going to adjust the...

(pause)

CLIENT: I have never noticed this before.

THERAPIST: You haven't noticed...?

CLIENT: Oh, the flowers before.

THERAPIST: Oh, the flowers, really?

CLIENT: Yeah. Were they there the whole time?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: Nice, (inaudible at 00:00:41). So, yeah, I didn't come last week because my nephew was born. That was exciting. That was supposed to be the day before, but she was in labor for a long time. I'm excited about that. [00:01:00]

Had a good week two weeks, anyways. And I contact [sic] the psychiatrist. It looks like she said that she's part of the provider group.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I actually contacted her, because she's a health care provider. It's just for a federal program, it sounds like you need to get...

CLIENT: Authorization.

THERAPIST: ...authorization, yeah.

CLIENT: All right.

THERAPIST: That shouldn't be a problem.

CLIENT: It shouldn't be a problem; my primary care wants me to do that...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:01:26)

CLIENT: ...anyways, so, I just have to call the insurance today, because I think I'm meeting with her on Thursday, which is good.

What else...the two medications that I have been on, I stopped taking one of them and I kind of feel better. I feel less anxious. I don't have any thoughts to hurt myself. I feel like one of the medications might have been making me feel like that. Could that possibly happen? [00:02:01]

THERAPIST: Which one was that?

CLIENT: The Celexa.

THERAPIST: That's interesting, make you want to hurt yourself, (crosstalk at 00:02:08) thoughts-

CLIENT: Not hurt, but more when I was stressed out, I was more depressed.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you should definitely share that with her.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: She might have thoughts as to why.

CLIENT: I know that. When I was going to my previous primary care, she said she wanted me to get off that, and I think I didn't know. She was like, "Maybe we should get off that [or not] (ph)," that could be part of the reason.

Communication with Steve has been better. I mean, we have our little fights, but we're able to minimize the time it takes for us to communicate. That's good. He's more affectionate, I'm more affection, we're working together (ph) now.

I pretty much made some realizations to why I've had trust issues. [00:03:05] I feel like it's not just (inaudible at 00:03:09) my parents. I feel like it's just experiences, and I react to how I really acted before.

I feel something always sets me off. It's weird. I don't know if it's like a flashback or something, but it's-I'll be just going on my day and something that I notice about Steve, I feel like something's going on. And it's because of how past relationships, how that's happened. It just triggers a memory.

THERAPIST: What kind of memories?

CLIENT: Some (ph) stupid. I got upset about-he had a CD. [00:04:00] He never buys CDs. It was more-I probably like-CD that a girl would buy or something, or a guy would listen to with a girl. I just remember in past relationships, I'd always relate to people with music. I was like, "Why does he have that CD?" (inaudible at 00:04:26), "Who is he listening to that CD with?" That was another thing, with me and him, we related music-wise.

I jumped the gun, I was like, "Oh, what's up with this CD?" He actually bought that CD to listen to with me, and I made an assumption. That's what I do a lot, make assumptions. It has to do with trust issues and everything. I'm realizing why I do the things I do. [laughs] [00:05:03]

That's good. That's helped. A little closure.

THERAPIST: Closure on...?

CLIENT: Just past history and past relationships. I bury them and it seems like it comes up in my everyday life. Just memories or like a flashback.

I can't react the same way with Steve, because of somebody else, or because of his past mistakes.

THERAPIST: Are the flashbacks specific images?

CLIENT: Yeah. I think, I remember things that have happened in the past so vivid. [00:06:06] Whatever (inaudible at 00:06:08).

But I have never dealt with it. I buried it so I didn't have to think about it.

I told Steve about something that happened to me when I was younger, and (inaudible at 00:06:35) to him, so he could understand me a little more, and it took a lot.

I met Steve through a couple friends, and we all started dating in a group. And one of his friends went out with my best friend, and they broke up, and I never knew why. [00:07:01] But we all worked at a mall. When me and Steve broke up, I was devastated, so for some reason, I thought, if I worked at this specific store, he would come visit because he knew that I worked at the outlets or whatever (ph).

I ended up seeing his friend, instead, so I started talking with him and I started hanging out with him. We didn't date or anything, but we just started talking, and he went to my prom. We hung out after, and he ended up raping me and I never told Steve that (ph). [00:08:00] I found out that he raped my friend, too, and that's why they broke up.

And it was more (inaudible at 00:08:15). There was alcohol involved, so I felt bad and I blamed myself. And I didn't know how to tell my mother, because I just felt embarrassed, so I never told. I told a couple people and they didn't believe me. I had friends that I told about him, and they actually started going out with him as well, even after I told them that he was no good. He tried that on quite a few people. [00:09:00]

I finally (ph) told Steve the other day. I don't know, it felt good, but I felt bad telling him, because I didn't want him to be upset about it (ph). I didn't want him to track down that person.

I have had quite a few relationships like that. I think that's part of the reason why I can't trust. And I just blamed (ph) myself.

But now that I was able to tell him, I think he can understand a little, why I react the way I do. [00:10:00] And it's helped.

Should I not have told him?

THERAPIST: I don't know. Are you questioning that?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: What's the question?

CLIENT: I don't want him to feel bad, either (ph). I don't want that to affect our relationship, either. Does that make sense?

THERAPIST: Well, affect it how?

CLIENT: I don't know. Number one, that I never told him, and for two, for him to be angry or angry at that person, because I don't want retaliation.

THERAPIST: Are you worried that that's something that Steve would do?

CLIENT: No, but I just know how people...if someone told you that and so many people have, you...I don't know. [00:11:08] It's an instinct, to want to protect the person you love, and I don't want him to feel guilty about that. I'm thinking about his feelings instead of mine.

THERAPIST: Why, do you think?

CLIENT: I just feel like it's easier. It's easier for me to hurt than to see people around me hurt.

THERAPIST: Because you guilty?

CLIENT: I don't feel guilty. I just don't like to see the people I love hurting. I'd rather it be me. [00:12:00]

THERAPIST: Do you feel like he is hurt, now that you've told him?

CLIENT: I think he felt bad for me. I don't want anybody to feel bad for me.

I think it was a shock. He hasn't mentioned it since. I just don't know if it was fair for me to tell him after all this time.

THERAPIST: How is it unfair? How would it be unfair?

CLIENT: It's like I acted like it never happened, and now I'm mentioning it now. He heard something about it. [00:13:00] He asked me about it before, and I told him, "No, that never happened," so I would feel bad about bringing it up now.

But I also feel better.

THERAPIST: Can you tell me about the better feeling?

CLIENT: I just feel like he'll better understand me and I feel like there's a weight lifted up off my chest. That feels better. It feels better to talk about things that bother you all the time. I don't think I ever felt (inaudible at 00:14:02).

(pause)

CLIENT: I still think I don't-I don't want to [do it] (ph). I just felt like bringing it up. It makes it real.

But it's definitely hurt a lot of my relationships.

(pause)

[00:15:00]

CLIENT: Right now, I still don't want to talk [about it] (ph). It make me upset. I don't want to be upset.

(pause)

CLIENT: I don't know. I don't know how I feel [about it] (ph).

At least I have some answers of why I don't trust people. I've thought about it. Countless occasions of betrayal. You just build up a wall so you don't get hurt. [00:16:00]

But I feel like I don't want to punish him for things that have happened in the past, and I don't want it to affect my relationship, but it does.

How do you overcome hurt (ph)?

THERAPIST: Overcome a part of it.

CLIENT: Where it doesn't affect your relationship.

THERAPIST: That may not be possible, but your awareness of it makes a big difference. It affects your relationship because it affects you and impacts you.

CLIENT: It definitely affects our sexual relationship, because [since we have been fighting] (ph), we definitely don't want to be intimate with other, but now that we've gone therapy, I've gone to therapy, things have gotten better. [00:17:05] But some things, I get sensitive about.

THERAPIST: Like?

CLIENT: I don't know. If I feel like I haven't pleased him or he doesn't feel like...somehow, I always feel like he's just not attracted to me, for some reason. That's on me.

Sometimes I feel like...in other relationships that I've been used sexually, so when it comes to us, I have mixed feelings about sex. Just the smallest thing can make me upset. [00:18:03]

That's why I wanted to tell him why, so he can be a little more understanding, (inaudible at 00:18:20) sensitive, which he has been (inaudible at 00:18:24), really good about that.

THERAPIST: Were some of the flashbacks you were having about the rape?

CLIENT: I always do. I've had other occasions with other people, too, where they've tried to force themselves on me.

Even with my ex, when we broke up, he tried to force himself on me, even that day that he broke up with me. [00:19:00]

Yeah, I always have. But I, for some reason, blame myself. I'm sorry.

THERAPIST: What do you feel like you've done wrong?

CLIENT: Putting myself in the position to trust somebody. I feel like in the first situation, not doing anything about it, I felt guilty because he did it to other people. A couple times, even after that, Steve still had a friendship with him, had no clue. He was telling me about he would do weird stuff. [00:20:01] He was suicidal or what-not and I didn't want to hang out with him anymore. I don't feel bad for him.

THERAPIST: No (ph)?

CLIENT: And that makes me feel like...I don't know how I feel about that. I just (inaudible at 00:20:23) it.

And it's easier to act like it never happened. It's easier, but in the long run, it affects me. But how do you get over something like that?

(pause)

[00:21:00]

CLIENT: I guess it's given me closure (inaudible at 00:21:08), I understand that there are (inaudible at 00:21:12), that's why I get upset. It's not just...

I haven't told my (inaudible at 00:21:23), like with my mother. My last relationship, that it was me. It's always been me, like something's wrong with me.

(pause)

CLIENT: I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like there are reasons. And I think I can get past them. [00:22:00]

(pause)

CLIENT: But I had to be (inaudible at 00:22:13) while coming here. It's like part of me-I don't want to talk about this stuff. I don't know if it's helping me or...

I'm happier, but it's really hard to come in.

THERAPIST: I understand that.

CLIENT: Does this actually help people (ph)? [00:23:01]

THERAPIST: Well, it's interesting that you said that, because just a minute ago, you said it is.

CLIENT: Well, that's the questions I have. I feel like, yes, it's helping me, but I feel like it's so hard. It's like there's so much going on work and school and just providing and trying to get (inaudible at 00:23:32). The time I spend here is my only free time, which is-I need it, but it stinks.

THERAPIST: "But it stinks," you said?

CLIENT: It stinks. It's your only free time, but I need to do this, and I think that's the debate. It's hard to come here when you know you have so much other stuff that you should be doing. [00:24:03] And I feel like I'm being selfish, in a way.

THERAPIST: For coming here?

CLIENT: Yeah. How I was raised, you just go to church and you pray. And that spending money on stuff, this, is...I don't know, not a necessity. But that's how I've been raised.

I know that's not true, but in the back of my mind, I feel like that (ph). I (inaudible at 00:24:53) says, she's like, "Go to church. Go to confession, you'll feel so much better." [00:25:00] That's never worked for me. I feel like going to church and being part of a community and feeling like there's something there gives you hope, but how do you deal with everything else?

(pause)

CLIENT: That's where I'm at. I want to be able to express myself and not cry, I really do.

I think I've gotten better. I get a (inaudible at 00:25:49). When me and Steve came in here, and we just fought [in front of you] (ph). I think that was our relationship. [00:26:03] That was the worst of our relationship and that's what was behind closed doors. It's so much better, now. We fight, but it's not, "Oh my God, the world is going to end."

THERAPIST: [sneezes] Excuse me!

CLIENT: Bless you.

It's nice to be able to communicate with each other and take a step back and give each other space, then able to go back and speak without being angry.

It was funny, because he said to me that-I told him I hate when we get in an argument and he goes off. Well, he needs space. He doesn't want to argue, he knows how he gets, (inaudible at 00:26:59), and I hate that, for some reason.

It helps, what he does. Getting space, totally ignoring me, and doing...it makes it so we're not fighting. Then we can go back and I can calm down and we can talk about things.

I said, "I hate that." I don't want that. And he's like, "Well, I don't want you to yell at me." I was like, "Well, that will never happen." I don't understand how having somebody promise that they're never going to yell, they're never going to get upset about something.

He said to me, "If you never yell at me, I'll never do that," and I'm like, I don't understand. It's hard for both of us, but I can't just put the blame on him. [00:28:00]

It's funny. I joke about it, because we got into an argument and he hung up on me, and he got in the boat and paddled itself out, far away. It was so frustrating, because I could talk to him but he just distanced himself, so I was just making a joke about it with my friends. I'm like, "I pissed my boyfriend off so much that he paddled his little boat away from me in water."

For that one, I just felt like that was such a disrespect but it actually definitely helped. It made a point to me that if you want to be respected, you have to show respect. It was funny not at the time, but after I look at it. [00:29:01]

We're making some progress. That's what makes me happy. I felt like if my relationship's good, I'm happy. Everywhere else, it doesn't matter to me. I'm fine at work, I do my job. I love what I do and I get along with everybody. It's just with me and him, it's just so personal.

(pause)

CLIENT: Whenever I get to the point where I feel safe, even though I shouldn't feel safe, and we can just be where we were a couple years ago. [00:30:09] Just living and enjoying each other's company.

I guess therapy's helping. [laughs]

THERAPIST: [I can] (ph) feel your ambivalence. I think you have a lot of logistical things that keep you from coming here sometimes, but I also think there's ambivalence, as well.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think because I just-I don't want him getting upset. I think it's, should it be my day off with him? I'd enjoy my day off. [00:31:00] I guess there's a lot behind it.

THERAPIST: Well, that's how you feel not only about therapy but your free time, you feel like you should feel free and free from emotional turmoil and problems and it's frustrating to you that your free time doesn't really feel free.

CLIENT: It's not always (ph) something like this, so I know it's worth it. But I started school, so I don't have any free time (inaudible at 00:31:42), which, school's fine. It's school. I'm taking one class and (inaudible at 00:31:52) I was (inaudible at 00:31:53) went to school when I was younger. I just never spoke up. [00:32:00] We always thought the professor is right and you don't have an opinion.

Now, I'm paying for it. I'm driving here. I want the good grade. I'm going to be the person that's going to be if I don't understand something, I'm going to be making appointments with (inaudible at 00:32:21), because I was just so passive about school before (ph). I didn't understand I have more of a voice. I've taken this class and I want to learn. I don't want to just get a grade. I think I really want to learn (inaudible at 00:32:44), to learn.

THERAPIST: It's nice to be able an adult learner.

CLIENT: It is.

THERAPIST: Very different than being a kid learner.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You have much more control.

CLIENT: Yeah, sometimes (ph) yeah. [00:33:00] I feel like I could have done a lot better if I spoke up for myself. I was (inaudible at 00:33:09) a lot of professors that would just teach and not explain and just expect you to know it, and that's not teaching.

That's how my education (ph) was. Our teachers were teachers, I don't know. I don't think they had any education behind them. They did not know how to teach. They'd make the test with material they never taught us. You had to teach yourself a lot.

With our class, it was an experimental group. They had us take exams on our own, at home. [00:34:01] They expected us to use our book. They didn't want us to use our book, but use our book. People took (inaudible at 00:34:11) notes together and cheated in every way. Most of the people had 100s on each exam, which I didn't, because I don't know, I took the exam the way you would take a test, without material. I'd get 80s, 90s.

When it came to the final, they made it impossible. The people that had the 100s passed, barely. They only passed because they had those 100s. People like me, who studied and took the exam, "You didn't teach us any of that!" We weren't able to slide by. [00:35:00] We had the 80s and the 90s, which is-that's not a way to grade someone.

I was very upset with the program.

THERAPIST: Well, that's been your experience in so many parts of your life, where people are not acting in a trustworthy manner. They have an unfair advantage but really unfair, it's unfairly gotten.

CLIENT: I know the program that I went to was unfair in a lot of ways. I had someone bring their-I knew somebody that brought the school to court because of it. They had (ph) a lawsuit against them, because one of their clinical teachers failed him because he was a male. She said, "I don't believe in male nurses and I'm not going to pass you." [00:36:01] She didn't pass him.

The school, this is what they told me, they pretty much (inaudible at 00:36:11) their LPNs, CNEs didn't have enough money to fight the lawsuit, a lot of money (inaudible at 00:36:19), and they had so many people [on it] (ph). I was like, "That's horrible."

Then I talked to other people, they had a lot of professors that didn't speak English. Because she didn't speak English, they gave them all As. They were getting 50s, 60s on the test. They passed them. I was like, "That's ridiculous."

I feel like, in the community colleges, it's how they make their money, make you retake the classes. [00:37:02]

That's what I'm going to do. I just need to get my Associates in Education to move on to a four-year. That's my plan. It's easier that way, so I don't have to retake every class. I've had a lot of people with the same things.

With education, you can sit down with your professor or the board or whatever and they give everybody a different deal if they didn't pass. It's not the same for everybody. "You can take this class over, and then you can get back in the program." For me, they're like, "You take this class over, and you need to," (inaudible at 00:37:59) the same grades, we'd have a different plan. It made no sense. I don't know how they get away with it, but they do.

It's not me being paranoid. [laughs] It's just I've talked to a lot of people. I've tried to get into this program, and how difficult they've made it for no reason. But since I've been back, there have been a lot of changes.

THERAPIST: You're back in the same program?

CLIENT: I'm back at the same school. A lot of different teachers. It looks like a lot of younger professors, which is nice, so I hear different learning styles. They're doing a lot of things different. [00:39:00] I don't know, they're more up-to-date than they were before. It seems like there are a lot more resources, so that's good.

I spoke with somebody; she's been an teacher for 18 years. She did the program. The professor says you can get right back in, and I'm like, "She hasn't been in school for 18 years. You're not making her take any of these classes over?" I was amazed and happy. If she can, after 18 years, get right back in the program, I think I can, too.

I have a letter of recommendation; I just have to (inaudible at 00:40:01). I'm just afraid of failing out again.

THERAPIST: What would happen that you would fail out again? What do you think would prevent you from succeeding?

CLIENT: It's the exams. I'm awesome in clinical. They have all multiple-choice and it depends on how they grade it, (inaudible at 00:40:37). I think the girls that studied together did a lot better, because when they went to lecture, they didn't take anything from the lecture, because it was never on the exams. It was a waste of time. [00:41:00] They taught each other.

At that time, I wasn't able to go their little study groups, because I was doing home care. I'd go from class to (inaudible at 00:41:13), one of my clients, which I probably should have dropped, but I had an emotional connection and felt bad for her, so I continued to go. I did that and I didn't make any money from it. I did it for her, and I stayed with her until she passed away, this year. Probably not the best choice, education-wise, but I really felt like she needed me and she did.

I made some sacrifices. [00:42:00] Which I clearly (inaudible at 00:42:03).

THERAPIST: How many years did you work with her?

CLIENT: Four or five. I still stay in contact with her son and everything. She looked like she needed some emotional support, like a friend, and that's what happened. We ended up being friends, because her family wasn't the best family.

That's why I had to get out of home care, because you see it so much. You can't say (inaudible at 00:42:46).

THERAPIST: That they're maybe neglected?

CLIENT: Right. Very neglected. They take your work so personal; it's so personal with them. [00:43:02] It's hard not to get attached. They need so much that they're not given, so for me, if I see somebody in that situation, I want to give them all [of me] (ph). I can't do this anymore.

I've learned, now that I'm in the hospital, to have just a professional relationship. It's easier if you only see your patient (inaudible at 00:43:37) for four days and you go home. When you're with (inaudible at 00:43:41) in six years, it's very difficult.

THERAPIST: Marlene, we're going to need to stop for today, okay?

CLIENT: All right.

THERAPIST: I will see you next week.

CLIENT: Have a nice day.

THERAPIST: Thank you very much, you too.

CLIENT: Thank you.

END TRANSCRIPT