TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: So how are you?

CLIENT: Good, very good today because...last Thursday, I don't this that this was two weeks ago, I think it was this past Thursday, I went out with my lab and I ended up giving myself like, like a really bad night, I think this was last Thursday, I don't think I told you about this?

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I went to a play and it was horrible and I couldn't sleep.

THERAPIST: I don't recall any of this.

CLIENT: Basically I was really tired. I started to get really tired at the end of last week, more so, maybe because the pill? Whatever, I don't know. It's just been a crazy week and I totally forgot that they had to get my lab to get me to go to someone's husband's play or something, I totally forgot. So anyways I had to go and it ended up being a three hour, exhausting monologue. It was terrible and I was getting really antsy the whole time, just wanted to run out. I was so frustrated by the end, I like ran out at the end and I went home and I was so tired and I tried to get right in bed which was bad because I was all worked up and frustrated. [00:01:20]

THERAPIST: Hard to let go of that to relax?

CLIENT: Oh and I was worrying about Josh the whole time cause he had gone to the hospital in the morning to get checked out and then gone to have an interview for grad school and I hadn't heard anything about it so I was worrying that it was all good, whatever, so I had a really...I couldn't leave it all, total disaster. (laughs) So I was really bummed out about that the whole weekend but then last night, yesterday was not a crazy day, we did visiting potential (inaudible) to my lab, we all had to like entertain them all day and take around and ended up being (inaudible) again until really late at night but then I came home and decided I would just play with the puppy a little bit and read and chill out for a little bit cause it was...I was all hyped up and I was like "I don't want to do this again" and I mean it was fun, I wasn't frustrated and worrying about Josh or anything, so it was fine. I managed to sleep enough and it was all good so I'm very happy about that today that I managed to...

THERAPIST: Pleased that you were able to go out?

CLIENT: Do the same thing again? Yeah. [00:02:33] So last Thursday I was feeling like I wouldn't be able to...I couldn't understand why I was unable to just sit there and chill out.

THERAPIST: During?

CLIENT: I just didn't want to be there. I wanted to be home, find out what happened to Josh.

THERAPIST: You were angry?

CLIENT: Yeah (laughs).

THERAPIST: Sounds like you had forgotten that you had this plan of somebody had gotten you a ticket.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you were kind of surprised by it and it wasn't a happy surprise and then it sounds like you felt trapped so you were angry that you were sort of forced to sit through this horrible play. Not only were you sitting through this horrible play but there's all this time that you could've been doing things that you would more prefer to do.

CLIENT: Yeah and I knew when I get home Josh would be asleep and I wouldn't really get to talk to him about what had happened until the morning. It was just silly. I just couldn't handle it (laughs), for whatever reason.

THERAPIST: What makes it silly?

CLIENT: What makes it silly? I don't know I mean it was what it was. I suppose I could've just given them money for the ticket and not gone but you know I wanted to support them because I had said I would...that's probably what I should've done. [00:03:47]

THERAPIST: It was a difficult...you were in a difficult position and it doesn't sound silly that you were mad about it.

CLIENT: (laughs) Yeah I mean and I couldn't sleep. I don't know.

THERAPIST: It's really hard to get your body to go from all geared up and restless and trapped to zoned out to sleep. That's like a really big jump to try to make your body do immediately and then when it didn't work you get more amped up so you're laying there not sleeping which makes you nervous, which makes it even harder to sleep. So you sort of got in this...you kind of set yourself up for failure there.

CLIENT: I did, yeah, I mean it was definitely unnecessary but...also so Josh had brought up the hospital; they wanted to come back and get another procedure done so I was worried that he was real upset about that.

THERAPIST: And you knew that piece but you didn't know? That's really hard...

CLIENT: He's on the phone so I'll get "This is what happened, what they said," I don't know how he feels about it or any details or anything so...and then he was immediately offered grad school interview and I felt bad... (laughs).

THERAPIST: So there was a lot you wanted to be home for? [00:05:09]

CLIENT: Yeah so it would've been perfectly reasonable and rational to say "Look, I can't go to this play, bad things have happened..." but for some reason I didn't.

THERAPIST: You didn't feel like you could?

CLIENT: I didn't even really have time to think about it, there was just one thing after the next thing and the next thing and the next thing and then the play. But hopefully maybe I cannot do that next time. I did a better job yesterday and I didn't have anything to worry about besides me so that was good.

THERAPIST: Well so there's a little bit of different situation but it's similar to other situations in the past that have been hard. I mean you went out and did a fun thing and it doesn't sound like you were as exhausted by it and you were able to go out, do that, come home and put yourself to bed.

CLIENT: Well and I didn't wake up at six a.m. which was amazing.

THERAPIST: Today or the day before?

CLIENT: Today.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: And here I am thinking that it's just inevitable that it's not apparently.

THERAPIST: Maybe. There's room for opportunity.

CLIENT: Which is just hoping. So I managed to do a good job last night.

THERAPIST: What time did you sleep until today?

CLIENT: I think 8:30, it was amazing! For me, amazing! And I definitely got jumped on by the dog at six a.m. which I vaguely recall but it didn't make me wake up and get out of bed. [00:06:33] I remember hitting him off or something. It was so nice!

THERAPIST: So it's a good day?

CLIENT: Yeah...it seems silly that I have to make such an effort to relax. It's ironic but apparently it works.

THERAPIST: Well relaxation for you is a tough skill.

CLIENT: It is really tough.

THERAPIST: It's not your natural mode.

CLIENT: Yep and I knew I had nothing to do today and had done so much yesterday that I didn't care if I didn't wake up at all (laughs) and it's hard to try and feel that but it just felt like that was...

THERAPIST: It felt very real?

CLIENT: I'm not sure I could tell myself that it felt like I had done enough, whatever happens tomorrow, I don't even care if I go to school at all.

THERAPIST: What are the pieces of what you did yesterday that you can repeat?

CLIENT: Well I can make the decision that if something is going on at home that I need to deal with to go do that instead and (pause) yesterday I tried to take care of myself, like there was drinks that I felt like I needed to participate in, you know sort of a social yet I needed to make a good impression...

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And connect with person, event. [00:08:02] I felt I didn't have to participate in that but it made me feel uncomfortable not to so...and you know I try to do a good job and not drink to fast or anything (laughs).

THERAPIST: So you were able to participate and have a drink but you were able to kind of space it in a way that didn't feel like it was messing up?

CLIENT: Yeah and actually I'm not sure what happened exactly. It was really, really stressful. It was first a dinner with all of the hot shots in the department and a few of the grad students and I didn't even realize this going in...it ended up being a really fancy dinner with the professor and a prospective professor presenting his view of what he would do or his vision of what he would do if he was a professor. My advisor makes a big deal out of it, he invites you to something you better ask questions if he's going to waste his time on you so it was a lot of pressure to ask a ton of questions in front of people who will give me my Ph.D. and who are experts in the field and my field has only been around for like...since the seventies and the whole time the field's been around, they're experts in it. Older than the field, so yes it was really, really stressful, but I seemed to get over it.

THERAPIST: What is your area? [00:09:16]

CLIENT: (Inaudible) Ever since they found the ozone hole, it's really built.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: It's still kind of becoming more of a real field itself rather than a combination of other things. So yeah it's a lot of the old professors who started off in something else, have a whole history of it.

THERAPIST: Bio graded?

CLIENT: Yeah and it never (inaudible). So yeah you would've thought that would've gotten me all worked up and it did but then I asked questions...maybe the glass of wine that I drank extremely slowly helped (laughs) instead of hurt me, I don't know. I don't know what happened yesterday.

THERAPIST: How did you calm yourself back down after getting worked up at the dinner?

CLIENT: Well I played with my puppy and read my Women's Health magazine, which is the best magazine which happened to be precariously locked in the mailbox.

THERAPIST: So if we can make that a weekly publication we're all set? (laughs)

CLIENT: You know and going out and talking with the professor and the rest of my lab at the bar after was nice and relaxing but also stressful. I'm not sure why exactly.

THERAPIST: What were the relaxing pieces and what were the stressful pieces? [00:10:41]

CLIENT: The lab? I was stressed about feeling like I had to drink more but the professor, I mean he can't be much older than us, not a whole lot older than us and he sort of suddenly seemed like it when we were out there he was telling us...it ended up being more of hanging out and relaxing as opposed to having to prove something to him or anything like that.

THERAPIST: How did you handle the pressure at the bar to drink more? Did you or were you able to not...

CLIENT: I did and I was just sort of decided if I wanted to die today that I would just be that way and I spent two hours sipping the beer and it was fine. (laughs) So I was really, really careful and it worked out.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Ate a lot of food.

THERAPIST: Those are things you can repeat because I know that being able to go out and be with the group and not feel awkward is important. I mean you want to be able to do those kinds of social things and you want to be able to meet kind of the work expectations of socializing with the group so being able to nurse your drink in a way that you get both things. You get to participate but you also get to be careful of what your limits are.

CLIENT: I mean this was hard. I have to be really, really careful and I got compelled if I took too big a sip and oh that made me feel a little nauseous. [00:12:12] It's silly how hard it is. It'll work out.

THERAPIST: But it's doable.

CLIENT: It's doable.

THERAPIST: And maybe with practice it will come a little bit more natural to pace yourself in that way.

CLIENT: Yeah I mean I told Josh about last night and he told me "That's so silly, just do that all the time." I will, I would and you know I was in a good mood, it was relaxing, it didn't actually end up having to be relaxing. It ended up being relaxing. So yeah it's nice to know that it can happen.

THERAPIST: Right and some of it is under your control. Some of it was fortuitous and some of it was under your control. I think it was nice, you know, you got in your magazine, it was easy to kind of give yourself time to read it. Had you had to go looking for something to read you might not have done it but now you know that making sure there's space in between getting home from an event or if it's not an event, feeling worked up or being upset about something and trying to go to bed. You need space in between and you have a couple of tricks that you can use to do that.

CLIENT: Well ever since I started doing sleep drills like everything you read about sleep hygiene says don't read in bed because bed should be a place for sleeping so I sort of avoided reading in bed.

THERAPIST: Can you read elsewhere? [00:13:32]

CLIENT: Yeah except that it's not as relaxing. I don't know. I used to read in bed all the time when I was little with the lights on, I'd fall asleep with the lights on all night cause I was scared of the dark but I don't know, I think reading in bed is fine for me. So it seems.

THERAPIST: Yeah, well and I think there's a difference between bringing a journal article into bed with you and bringing your favorite magazine into bed with you. Don't read tough stuff in bed and I stand by that.

CLIENT: Yeah I used to read books in bed hoping to fall asleep when I was having sleep troubles instead of reading it and relaxing I would read it and be like "Oh my gosh I hope I can fall asleep because..." It was terrible, it was totally wrong.

THERAPIST: Cause your breaking this rule of sleep hygiene?

CLIENT: Well no because I felt like I wasn't going to be able to sleep and I was hoping this would help so I couldn't stop thinking about how I hoped it would help which of course it doesn't help.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But I couldn't get out of that.

THERAPIST: And last night when you were reading what were you thinking?

CLIENT: Nothing.

THERAPIST: Oh. You just were reading?

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: You were present with the moment.

CLIENT: Which is amazing how hard that is for me to do. (laughs)

THERAPIST: You tapped into a glorious moment when you could do it?

CLIENT: Yeah it was kind of magical. [00:14:54]

THERAPIST: Magic...it might be that you set yourself up for success? And now that you've done that, I mean you've done this in the past too, but you have one more example of how you can do it and that's stuff we practice at the end of the session when you do some deep breathing and you notice where your thoughts are and when they come and when they go and when they come back. That helps with being in the moment so that when you're reading an article what you're reading is the article whether it be an article for pleasure or an article for work but when you're reading it and you're thinking "Is this going to put me to sleep, is this going to help me sleep or is this going to get in the way of sleep" then you're not in the moment anymore, your jumping ahead.

CLIENT: If I've already started thinking that it's almost too late; I almost have to go around it somehow.

THERAPIST: Well it's too late for perfection but it's not too late to return to being in the moment. Once you've noticed that you've started jumping ahead and wondering what's going to happen that's your chance to say to yourself "Okay, I've gotten into my head here and out of the moment, so I'm going to put myself back in the moment and refocus on reading this book, talking with..." whatever you're doing at the moment so just because you've kind of jumped into your head there doesn't mean that you can't go back to being in the present moment.

CLIENT: I guess if I jumped into my head, I mean I've been there probably all day because of something.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. You've spent a lot of time there?

CLIENT: Yeah, so Josh is going to go to the hospital in two weeks right and will I be able to sleep the night before? Probably not.

THERAPIST: Probably not.

CLIENT: And I guess I'll just have to accept that. He probably won't either. [00:16:45]

THERAPIST: There are some situations that are going to be harder than others, determining now whether you're going to sleep in two weeks is not useful to you either now or in two weeks so I can understand why you're concerned about it but it's also important so when you've jumped into the future like that it's important to say "Okay, I've jumped into the future, I'm worrying about what's going to happen in two weeks, I'm going to come back to today."

CLIENT: Okay so on Thursday a friend of mine is coming Thanksgiving, she asked me if I wanted to go for a bike ride in the morning and my first thought was yes and then my second thought was that I was going to worry about that the night before and not be able to sleep. So I do this for everything. Anything I might have to do in the morning that's stressful that's not school and I used to worry about it all the time you know if I wanted to do things in the morning, school or work wise, whatever.

THERAPIST: How long of a bike ride are you anticipating with your friend?

CLIENT: A short one.

THERAPIST: Could you do a short one on little sleep?

CLIENT: Now, yeah. Sure.

THERAPIST: So that's part of what you're going to use. [00:18:09] You don't know if you're going to sleep the night before, based on previous evidence it's possible that you will and be surprised. It's possible that you won't sleep and feel like your worries were confirmed. Either way you can do a short bike ride.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And part of that is knowing that you're going to survive it regardless. It can give you permission to not worry about setting up the perfect scenario. Part of your anxiety is that you feel like things need to go perfectly in order for you to be okay and right now it is a delicate balance and things need to go pretty well for you to feel really good but they don't need to go perfectly for you to be okay and our goal right now is okay, not stellar. It's nice that you have days like today where things feel really good and we kind of got stellar and great and that's awesome but that's not necessarily what you're shooting for. That's bonus.

CLIENT: Yeah, I mean, on top of that is the fact that its Thanksgiving and I have lots of relatives coming and have to cook a bunch of things, all this. I don't want to be tired for all of this (laughs) and this is what I think about when someone asks me to go for a bike ride on Thanksgiving. Nuts! I mean I was so bummed out last Thursday after this play and the next day when I didn't sleep that I basically hid out the rest of the weekend so that's (inaudible) when I had a ton of work to do anyway. [00:19:38] So now I'm really happy that it cannot be like that but I don't know what I'm trying to say exactly...

THERAPIST: You might feel like you have more possibility after having a good day?

CLIENT: Right but again it was very carefully controlled and lucky, you know, I got lucky and I was careful.

THERAPIST: And you don't want it to always be like that? You'd like to have a little bit more freedom and have it work out?

CLIENT: Yeah. Good.

THERAPIST: That's an understandable wish.

CLIENT: But I feel a lot more hopeful today than I would've a few days ago.

THERAPIST: Now you have this nice example of it working.

CLIENT: Yep. Makes me wonder if I should be open more or something.

THERAPIST: So you think that would give you some of the same benefit that you got?

CLIENT: I don't know. Some sort of like space for relaxation that I could always count on, every day, but then again that's a real controlling feeling. [00:20:55] I used to do yoga to relax, it was sort of controlled...controlling way, like I felt like I needed to do it or I wouldn't be relaxed. (laughs) It's a little nuts.

THERAPIST: What does...how do you know when you're relaxed? How do you recognize relaxation?

CLIENT: Not going over and over something in my head. When I'm not worrying about something.

THERAPIST: So it's quiet and you're relaxed equals quiet in your head?

CLIENT: Yeah it's not necessarily about to fall asleep relaxed, just what's in my head I guess?

THERAPIST: I wonder if changing the words you use rather than saying "relaxed" I wonder if looking for "moments of quiet" would be something more obtainable? It's more specific.

CLIENT: Yes that would be...well also I say relaxed because like this play, I just couldn't sit still, I just...

THERAPIST: So what you feel emotionally translates into your body?

CLIENT: Right. So that is definitely not just quiet.

THERAPIST: It's also still?

CLIENT: Still, yes. Still is good. Really good.

THERAPIST: We're going to create some relaxing cue words for you.

CLIENT: Okay. [00:22:18]

THERAPIST: Did I use it (inaudible) where's my next one? (noise) Do you have a relaxing color? Blue, green, purple, red?

CLIENT: Isn't blue supposed to be calm or something like that?

THERAPIST: What's relaxing for Laura? Not what's supposed to but what's actually relaxing for you?

CLIENT: Oh, I do like blue. Blue is good. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Here are the rules. Alright, so we've got quiet, still, are there any other words or images or things that for you that associate with that idea of being relaxed?

CLIENT: Besides quiet and still?

THERAPIST: There don't have to be. I'm just checking.

CLIENT: No, I don't think so.

THERAPIST: And where is a place where you have actually felt those things?

CLIENT: I mean the last time I felt like that would be last night but actually right before I came here I was trying to figure out something in my work and I was just sort of doing it which is sometimes hard for me to get into like a space where...so it's not quiet nor still but there's...focus. That's another good one which sometimes I have trouble getting focused. So that too.

THERAPIST: So these seem like some more specific words that we can be shooting for and helping you to find, cause I think there probably are moments when your quiet or still or focused on something and we kind of miss them or you miss them because they might go by really fast. It might just be a moment that you feel that way then another thought comes to you and distracts you or creates a chain of worry and what I want to be able to do is if we could capture the moment a little bit for you, it would help you to be more aware of when you have these good moments. We could probably extend them and build upon them. [00:24:42]

CLIENT: That's interesting because a lot of times I'll sort of force myself to be focused for school, I feel like who doesn't except really amazing people? But can you force yourself to be focused and still and calm in other parts of life? I guess you could.

THERAPIST: So you feel like you can at school but you can't other places?

CLIENT: Well like forcing myself to fall asleep obviously doesn't work the way I try to do it. I can't be like trying to...well I know that there is certain things I do when I'm working that will make me focus.

THERAPIST: Like what?

CLIENT: Sometimes it's silly but if I put on classical music when I'm writing or delivering code or sometimes I just have to be kind of not focused for a while until eventually I'll sort of like get it out of my system or whatever. I'm not sure exactly, I'd have to think about it more. (pause) Really figure out what the purpose is of what I'm doing. I was really focused this afternoon cause I was real excited about and wanted to share it with other people and I knew I had to run over here in an hour or so. There was no time to be distracted. I don't know sometimes it seems like it all happens, the factors all come together because they do. Maybe I'm not forcing them? So that's not helpful. [00:26:23]

THERAPIST: Well it's helpful to me because I've...what I wrote down was classical music for some reason is a cue for you which helps you to get focused or to stay focused.

CLIENT: Sometimes, yeah.

THERAPIST: Sometimes? So it sometimes works? Giving yourself permission to be unfocused until the impulse is gone allows you to move into a focused place. So these are things that maybe they just worked one time and it just kind of magically happened but once you know it's magic you can harness it and create it. The idea of forcing yourself, I kind of bristle at the word because sometimes you can kind of force something to happen but it's usually only works a few times or its short term. Just like when your dad forces you to do something, you might do it, but there's a secondary reaction which is what? How do you feel when you've been forced to do something?

CLIENT: Frustrated I suppose.

THERAPIST: Yeah I mean we get frustrated eventually, we get angry, we get resentful and then we rebel.

CLIENT: (laughs)

THERAPIST: So if you think about...eventually usually if someone forces you to do something that you don't want to do there's usually at some point a place where you rebel, whether you do it with that person knowing or whether you do it on the sly but you act out and create it to be the way you wanted it. So if you're thinking about what's that going to look like internally, if your forcing yourself to do something, you may do it for a while to get your own sense of accomplishment or to get the inner voice to shut up but then you're going to rebel against yourself. You're going to sabotage yourself. [00:28:13]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Rather than thinking about forcing it, we want to find ways to create...it's not that you don't want to focus I mean the end goal is you do want to be able to focus but how can we get you to do that in a way that doesn't feel at odds with what you want? We want to encourage, motivate, to provide a supportive environment for you to do this. All these positive ways of getting your body and mind to work the way you want them to work, that you don't have to rebel against later.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you have some tricks.

CLIENT: Yeah, sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't.

THERAPIST: Yeah. If we can catch it when its working, if we can be really aware of the moments when its working then we can work backwards and say "What happened just before that?" What was it that allowed you to have that great moment or have that good day? And then if it was magic we recreate the magic.

CLIENT: (laughs) I don't know. I mean having a good day before makes the next day good.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then it's hard to recover from a bad day.

THERAPIST: They do build on each other, the successes build on one another.

CLIENT: Yep. [00:29:43]

THERAPIST: So what you can repeat tomorrow that happened today? The pieces are in your control. What can you set up, what can you coax, how can you motivate?

CLIENT: Another trick is if I tell people I'm going to do something, tell someone I'm going to give them the answers tomorrow at three o'clock, that's motivating. It helps me focus for sure because I then don't want to not give it to them and then feel like a failure. I don't know if that's a trick or...?

THERAPIST: Recreating accountability?

CLIENT: For myself? Yeah. So that helps just for school, I don't how that would work in the other.

THERAPIST: So it sounds like this week part of what you're anticipating is getting stuff ready for thanksgiving, your responsible for cooking. Are you hosting?

CLIENT: No, my mother is.

THERAPIST: Okay but you're responsible for helping?

CLIENT: Yeah I am.

THERAPIST: So what feels doable? What feels overwhelming? What are you anticipating about Thanksgiving?

CLIENT: I mean, nothing, it's going to be great. I happen to have a grant due immediately after Thanksgiving so what feels overwhelming is making myself do that sort of stuff while having family around. It's fine.

THERAPIST: Okay, so there's potential for lots of good stuff then?

CLIENT: Yeah. Definitely, my family, as much as I sort of complain about them sometimes, doesn't usually cause me to much stress with things like this.

THERAPIST: Will they give you space to work while you're visiting? [00:31:40]

CLIENT: Visiting is driving over for dinner.

THERAPIST: So you're not expected to spend all day or?

CLIENT: No...I mean, well maybe. I have cousins visiting but no I don't think it will be a problem.

THERAPIST: So there's an opportunity there for kind of giving yourself permission for setting up the time, so you can be in control of what time you want to get there and how time do you really want to spend and really allowing yourself to be in the moment during Thanksgiving, knowing that you can leave to get work done and work on the grant after so that you don't need to feel like you're in two places at once while you're at your parents? How realistic does that sound?

CLIENT: Oh really realistic. I was just thinking more about where I have so much trouble the night of the play and when I should've just gone home.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I think it was because sort of immediately after I had gone for a bike ride with a girl I've been trying to hang out with...I think I might have told you about this?

THERAPIST: I know you mentioned meeting someone that also rode and also was anxious or this two different people?

CLIENT: She's not also anxious.

THERAPIST: Not at all?

CLIENT: I've been trying to be kind of better friends with her but anyway apparently I heard afterwards that I was...sometimes I would just get super chatty and just over excited and I was so excited to be going on a bike ride, not with Josh, with a friend, I don't know. It was really great but I was probably biting too fast because I was getting over excited. Anyway I heard from my lab mate the next day, I was really good friends with her, that she was grumpy with me because we'd gone to fast and she was super tired. So I was feeling upset about hanging out with my lab as opposed to...I don't know, as opposed to working on my friendships I guess. [00:34:01] I was feeling embarrassed about putting so much into that, that's probably why I decided to go to the play instead of going home. Just silly...

THERAPIST: So you had gone for a bike ride with this girl that you've been trying to get a little bit closer to?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You felt like it went really well but you later got feedback from somebody else that she didn't think so?

CLIENT: Yeah and I had e-mailed her asking if she wanted to go again and I haven't heard back from her in a week.

THERAPIST: That's hard.

CLIENT: Its silly, I mean, I still put so much pressure on biking just cause of Josh and...I don't know. I used to have so many people, so many friends that I biked with or did things like that with and I miss that a lot. I want to do that again.

THERAPIST: Yeah and it sounds like you messed...

CLIENT: Up with the bike team last year? Don't have anything right now but...I don't know. I put too much into it.

THERAPIST: I wonder if you could check in with her about what...you know, not what went wrong but how she felt?

CLIENT: I don't even think it has anything to do with me really, she's gone to a conference all week and I'm sure she's really stressed and busy. I don't know I just...got all worked up about it for no reason I suppose. Not even worked up just overthought about it.

THERAPIST: Well you got upset about it because you wanted it to feel this need. [00:35:39]

CLIENT: Yeah we've done things like this a few times. We went swimming together once and I thought maybe this can actually be a thing we do together but it's never turned into anything else. (laughs)

THERAPIST: What do you think gets in the way?

CLIENT: I don't know exactly. Her, I mean she probably doesn't need it or want it as much as I do. She's got other things going on.

THERAPIST: She's got a bigger network?

CLIENT: Yeah I mean she's been here for a long time. She's got other stuff going on so...I don't know maybe I forget how long it takes sometimes when you move and I keep doing it all the time to build up a network and I think we've talked about this before I just really have needed one.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It takes a long time; you can't just make it appear.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And it takes a lot of energy, emotional energy to build one up.

THERAPIST: And it doesn't need to be all or nothing right? So like you wanted this relationship, this potential relationship with her to fit this big, gaping hole in your life right now and she's not going to fill that whole thing but she could fill a part and if she's not available as often as you would you like to get together or something like that, it doesn't mean that she'll never be available for it so continuing to reach out and allowing her to fit one small part of that area of your life.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So it can be a little piece. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. [00:37:14] Anything else we should definitely talk about or catch up on today?

CLIENT: Has it been an hour?

THERAPIST: No but I want to save some time to practice relaxation.

CLIENT: No I think that's it. Oh and next week I volunteered for a workshop telling the story of your science career day with elementary school kids.

THERAPIST: Cool.

CLIENT: (laughs) That's part of my...I needed to get more outreach for my grants. Join all these things for my resume. It's been really fun though.

THERAPIST: Cool. How do you feel about doing that and what's your experience talking to kids?

CLIENT: I don't know, I like kids.

THERAPIST: How old? You said elementary school?

CLIENT: I think so. I'm not sure exactly I think...it's a huge, giant thing for my team and I think they pair you up when you get there or something.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I'm not really sure, I've been kind of distracted, not exactly what I'm supposed to do (laughs) no I mean I got into science in the first place cause of a bunch of engineers that came to visit my middle school class and I thought they were so cool. I was intrigued.

THERAPIST: That's nice to complete the circle. You're the cool one now. (pause) Well good for you. [00:38:32]

CLIENT: So I think I'm just going to cancel next week if that's okay?

THERAPIST: Okay. Let me look...You want to try to meet on a different day or...? I have time earlier that morning and I have time on Monday and on Friday if you want to...

CLIENT: Yeah I'm gone that whole entire day.

THERAPIST: Okay so Monday the 26th I have an 11:30 and Friday the 30th I have a 9:30 if you want to try to slide in to a different spot?

CLIENT: Friday would be fine, seems silly though cause it's just a few days before I come back again.

THERAPIST: It's up to you.

CLIENT: I mean today I'm pretty happy. I can e-mail if I have a disaster.

THERAPIST: Okay. So I'll just cancel it and plan on seeing you on whatever that next Tuesday is, the 4th but yes if you have a disaster or if you feel like you just want to touch base in between let me know and I'll slide you into a spot that's available.

CLIENT: Okay. [00:39:41]

THERAPIST: For you to take home.

CLIENT: Oh thanks.

THERAPIST: And lets practice...copay before we do relaxation, get the logistics out of the way.

CLIENT: Sure.

THERAPIST: So it doesn't get...thanks. It ruins the mojo of being relaxed. I'm going to turn this off so it's not in your eyes. Let yourself get as comfortable as you can, close your eyes. I'm going to have you put one hand over your belly button and the other hand on your chest. Then just breathe normally and just take notice of how your hands are moving as you take those deep breaths. (pause) As you get more relaxed think about deepening your breath, extending the time of your inhale, taking a full, deep breath so that as you fill up your diaphragm with air that bottom hand over your belly floats up as you inhale. [00:41:09] Deflates as you exhale. (pause) As you breathe just take notice for a moment of the thoughts that are going on in your head, acknowledge them and without any judgment let them go for a moment, think about them floating away with your breath. Now you're going to turn your focus to some of those words so on your next breath in I want you to breathe in and think quiet, breathe out and think still, notice what you're paying attention to in the moment, you may have noticed the voices outside, that's okay, now just let them go. Turn you focus again to those soothing words, breathing in thinking quiet, exhaling thinking still. Repeat that with every cycle, inhaling thinking quiet, exhaling thinking still. [00:42:43] Repeat that process a few times. (pause) Let all your thoughts come into your mind, notice what they are, let them go, return to focusing on the breath, inhaling quiet, exhaling the still. Letting your mind and your body follow those thoughts. Take a moment to scan your body, noticing any place that feels tight or uncomfortable, if it's more comfortable to drop your hand let yourself do that, if they're comfortable where they're at let them stay. Let yourself shift to where you need to, let yourself be more comfortable and then return your focus to your breath, turning your focus to those long, deep inhales, letting your diaphragm fill with air as you inhale, letting it deflate as you exhale. [00:44:21] Using your mind to focus on those calming words, inhaling quiet, exhaling still, holding onto whatever relaxation you gained, let yourself slowly come back to the room at your own pace. Jump right back!

CLIENT: Yeah. (laughs)

THERAPIST: How was that? That was a little bit different than ones we've practiced in the past?

CLIENT: It was nice, I liked it.

THERAPIST: So it sounds like...I remember from last time it was hard for you to clear your mind and I'm wondering if having something specific to do kind of sometimes helps to kick out some of the other thoughts.

CLIENT: Yeah it made me think of how sometimes I used to like to work in hobby shops because being surrounded by noise and people talking sometimes would help me focus.

THERAPIST: Help you relax? Yeah.

CLIENT: Seems weird but...

THERAPIST: But it works for a lot of people if there's enough white noise sometimes to drown out the distracting thoughts.

CLIENT: Which is easier than being in a quiet room alone and I don't know why. (laughs)

THERAPIST: But we don't have to judge it. What happened for you when someone started talking in the waiting room?

CLIENT: Oh, that's when I thought about that. [00:45:39] In fact when I used to do yoga they would make a big deal about "don't notice anyone else" and what no one else was doing, noises, use this as an opportunity to breath deeper.

THERAPIST: So you were able to do that with that distraction?

CLIENT: It just made me think of it.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: No I like noise.

THERAPIST: Okay. Well we'll try that one again and you can practice that on your own too if you have time before our next session.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: So I will see you in two weeks unless I hear from you otherwise.

CLIENT: Thank you.

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