TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi, come on in!

CLIENT: Oh, I have a question for you today. I got the bill from your assistant, but I didn't know how to pay it (like, how to go about making payment), because she didn't have any, there was just like, the statement and the insurance thing, but there weren't any instructions at all.

THERAPIST: She, so, in terms of paying me, you already paid me your co-pay.

CLIENT: Yeah, I gave you... all right, all right. You have that, okay. All right.

THERAPIST: Did you, did you pay, so you paid for the first session. Did you pay the co-pay yet? Maybe not. [00:01:00]

CLIENT: No, I... because you can just keep putting everything on the same card. That's totally fine. I just wasn't sure... yeah.

THERAPIST: Sure. So I'm happy to do that. (client affirms) Usually we do it at the end of the month. And in terms of the statement, do you know how to submit it?

CLIENT: She... do I have to go on insurance website for that?

THERAPIST: So, yeah. Sorry I didn't explain. So it's pretty straightforward. So on the insurance website, they have like all these forms. (client affirms) And there is the "Submit yourself" form (client affirms) and basically, this form that Kelly (ph) gave you has almost everything you need. I think on that (on the form), you just need to fill out like your name, address, and member ID. (client affirms) And then they ask like, code and all this other stuff. You don't need to fill that out. You just attach the statement.

CLIENT: Just attach the form, all right.

THERAPIST: Yeah. So, sorry about that. I'm sorry that wasn't more, that wasn't explained. So yeah. So they should have like, it's like probably on their home page or something.

CLIENT: Okay, it sounds easy. Okay.

So, this past week, I had some issues with being around certain people again, like kind of the same type of thing, where when I'm around certain people, I'm more critical of myself. So I tried to think that through a little bit, because I was at a wedding this past weekend. I was really feeling critical of myself because of this group of girlfriends that was I there with, and the way that I perceived them, or the way that I think they perceived me. [00:02:35]

I think, and so... but then like, later in the week, I was with another group of women, and it was totally fine. So I'm starting to realize that it's certain people. I'm trying to figure out why that triggers negative thoughts or triggers me putting myself down. I think what I've realized is that, if when you sort of are greeted by those people or you see them, their immediate focus is "You look great" or something like that, then I think that makes me think, "Well, they're looking at the way I look all the time," and that's the main thing that they like, they want to be my friend because of how I look. If I don't look a certain way, I'm not in the same class as them, because I've realized this is an issue with family as well. So, a lot of times, at family events... I have been avoiding a lot of family events, because that's the first thing certain family members say like, "You look great," or "You've lost or you've gained weight." So I think... it's that initial, when people greet you in that way, you almost think that that's all that they can see, or all that they're looking at. [00:04:07]

When I'm with other groups of, and it's usually just groups of women (chuckles), when I'm with other groups of women that, they're not really saying that, they're saying more like, "How is your work, or your research, or your school." You know, they have these other interests, like both, they're not in other things, then you think, "Well, they're looking at more than just my appearance." I don't have these sort of mini-breakdowns around them, because at the wedding I just started getting very like, inward and very weirdly critical of myself.

I felt good about myself when I left the house, and then being around this group of girls and feeling like, "Oh, they all look so much better than me," and "I'm the fat one here." Then someone else, of those people that I haven't met, asked me about what I was going to school for and then I thought, "Well, she must think, 'Why is she going to school for that, because look at her!'" So, I started to getting into this really like, that negative (chuckles) spiral of thinking, but I was realizing like, it doesn't happen with everyone. It's only certain people who try to like, you know, why does it happen with these certain people. [00:05:32]

That's sort of what came to mind, as I'm thinking about my associations with them, or the things we talk about, or the... just the way that we interact. I think that that's a big part of it. If a lot of... if a lot of the friendship is a little bit more superficial, then you're more critical of yourself when you're around them. (pause) So that was sort of an issue, because I was really thinking (chuckles) negatively about myself at this wedding. It became an issue, because I, it made me just feel kind of like down and it was, I couldn't talk myself back out of it. I just kind of wanted to be away from this group of girls and just be back in my like, safe environment, because I realized that being around them was triggering all this, it's like all this comparison type of thinking. [00:06:40]

THERAPIST: Were you alone or with your boyfriend at the wedding?

CLIENT: I was with my boyfriend, yeah.

THERAPIST: It's interesting you wouldn't have known he was there, from (chuckles) your story, the way you told it.

CLIENT: Yeah. It was, well... (sighs) I mean, I don't know what... (sighs) Well, so, we were having a really good time, and everyone was kind of like talking and stuff, but then I was out dancing with my friends and he doesn't really dance. So it was during this like, I'm with all of them, and then my friend that was getting married kept coming up to us and saying, "Everyone looks so great!" In my head, it was like, "Well she's really saying that everyone else looks great, and not me. She's talking about everyone else, and look at all of them, they look so great, and I just feel so, like dumpy and terrible." Then, I sort of got back to the table and sat down for a bit with my boyfriend. I was like processing (chuckles) all of this negative stuff that was going through my head, and then I kind of... Like we kind of left early, because I just couldn't be there. [00:07:54]

THERAPIST: So, do you have difficulty using him at those moments, to like calm you down or make you feel better or...?

CLIENT: Yeah, because I feel like it's a burden, because I feel like he was like, "Oh, great; this happen again!" So, obviously, he... he kind of knew what was going on, but not really. I felt like I couldn't say all of this stuff, because he would just think like, "Great; this is like happening again! It's another sign that you're, like have all these self-esteem issues. You can't have a good time, because of your self-esteem problems." So I guess I do have difficulty like using him, because I don't, I feel like, he's heard it so many times, he probably doesn't know what to say (chuckles) anymore, and it's just sort of me against my mind like, in it alone, I guess. [00:09:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean I guess there is sort of using him in the sort of verbal back and forth, and then there is sort of like, just feeling less alone in his presence (client affirms), having his presence somehow mediate that process. But it doesn't sound like it does.

CLIENT: No, because (sighs) it's sort of when I get so in my head that I don't even think of anyone else, like not, like, I don't even think of, where, almost like where I am. Like, it's, I'm so in my head, being so critical, and kind of like, that it doesn't help a lot to have like (chuckles) anyone ever around me, because it wouldn't matter if I was alone or with other people, I guess. It's sort of, I mean, it was good to have him there, in the sense that... you know, he kind of said, "Do you, you want to go? It seems like you're tired and this is kind of, you know, wearing on you. So let's..." So that was like, good. But, um, but (sighs) having him there doesn't help to turn my thought process around, once I'm already going down this like weird spiral of thinking. [00:10:23]

Then the next morning, when I, you know, woke up and was just in my house and like my (chuckles) safe place, I thought, "Well, that was just stupid! Why did I start thinking like that?" Like I felt fine, but I just felt like being around those people, because one of the girls that was there is the one that got engaged (chuckles) a couple of weekends ago, that the whole crying thing was over. So that was like the first time I had seen her and then, so it was just like, there were so many comparisons happening in my mind. I think that it was just really hard to like, pull (chuckles) myself out of it. But then, once I was home and like, I just felt fine, like almost like relieved, because no one was looking at me anymore, I didn't have to be compared to all of them. [00:11:26]

THERAPIST: (pause) It seems like you feel kind of constantly exposed. (client affirms) On stage, almost, but not in a good way.

CLIENT: (chuckles) Yeah, yeah. It's kind of like... I was thinking about like, the size of my dress, and like... Actually, what really triggered it was, we were, people were taking pictures and stuff, and my boyfriend took a picture of all of us. I was kind of like leaning over, and I happened to see what that picture looked like. I thought I just looked so terrible. That's what like really started, because I thought, "Well, the way I look in that picture is the way that everybody else sees me, and they must be looking at me like... Who, you know, she's just gained so much weight," like thinking all this stuff. So, I actually forgot, that was sort of more like, the trigger, too, because I think I was already doing all of these comparisons in my mind, and then that really set it off. [00:12:40]

Really, before I left the house, I thought that I looked good. Like, I didn't think, I didn't have the negative thoughts, it wasn't until I was with the other people. The night before the wedding, too. It was almost like I knew that being around them was going to be hard for me, because I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't figure out why. I mean, I was thinking about chemistry a lot, but I knew that that wasn't the real reason. So I couldn't figure out why I couldn't sleep, because I had been sleeping so well lately. I think it was the anxiety of being around them, and they're also my former co-workers. So, some of it is anxiety towards the industry, and different issues I (chuckles) had when I was working there, because when I was there and I was around all these women, I always felt like I didn't add up. (therapist responds) [00:13:42]

Like, I always felt like they were so... skinny and perfect and put together, just had their lives in this really great order. I always felt like I was like the kind of dumpy, disheveled one, compared to all of them. So there were so many comparisons happening all the time when I was working in that environment, that I think being around these people (even though I had formed these friendships with them and everything), it was really difficult because it was the same sort of thinking: like they're perfect and put together and they've got all this stuff going for them, and now look at me, I'm a student again, I can't even lose weight, I can't even... Like it was like all this stuff started. (chuckles) [00:14:39]

Sort of, and I, because I kind of haven't hung out with them very much since I stopped working there, because I said no to a lot of things. So it was like... the first time that I really had to be around all of them. They (chuckles) all consider me to be like a great friend, but I don't know why, because I feel like I don't belong in their world. They make me feel like I don't fit in with all of them, because I don't look the same as they do. (therapist responds)

(pause) Yeah, but when I'm with other women that I feel like, that I perceive to care less about looks or weight or fashion or whatever, and care more about intellect and discussing different issues and the person: I just feel totally, totally comfortable and I never start thinking negatively about myself. So it's like... it's just only, it just depends on who I'm with. [00:15:51]

So like, my aunts on my mom's side (it's like, actually her brothers' wives), they're all very critical of weight stuff. So I feel really uncomfortable being around them, because the whole time, I'm like, (inaudible) family, but I just think like, really negatively about myself, and I don't want to be there, and I feel like they're looking at me, and I feel like they're going to go back and talk about the changes in my weight. I just... don't, I just totally avoid it, so I've (chuckles) actually avoided that part of my family for a couple of years. (chuckles) You know? So I've avoided going to like, bigger family events and stuff, because I just don't want them to talk. Like, I don't want to give them anything to talk about, basically. So I think it's, it's being around people that I perceive to think a certain way that really like, triggers all this thinking inside of me. [00:16:57]

THERAPIST: In terms, I mean, you know your family well, but in terms of sort of classifying some group of friends as (client affirms), you know, safer and interested more in like kind of intellectual or (client affirms) deeper things. Do you feel it's largely, you know, for lack of better, like an accurate appraisal, or is there something that's going on that you kind of, put people into groups, with not sort of seeing all of their, you know, all the facts.

CLIENT: Uh... So... (sighs) I think that I put people into groups if, in a way, it's like, they've never exposed any flaws to me. So, I guess what I mean by that is, some of my friends might, I guess, look a certain way or be very put together; but at the same time, I know they've, they've been more vulnerable, or told me like different struggles, or different issues that they were having (especially people that I know that have like, had struggles with weight or different things). I always put them in the safe zone, because I think I feel like I can be more exposed in front of them, and they'll understand because they've been there, they've been through things. [00:18:28]

Whereas certain other friends, it's like... they don't expose themselves quite as much. When they do, it's still in this very superficial, "Oh, it's not that big of a problem" kind of way. Then I don't feel safe like, around them or safe, I guess being out there in terms of like, weight or anything like that, because I feel like they're too perfect for me to like be exposed, like expose myself to them. And it's kind of... I would say it's more of an issue around people that are more like, recent friends from the work and stuff, and it's people (chuckles) like, I'm not even sure I want to be friends with them, but... I have a really hard time saying no to people, so I have a lot of different groups of friends from different things and I don't know how many of them are really friends, I guess. [00:19:44]

So, yeah. It's sort of, I think I'm grouping people, but it's based on how vulnerable I perceive they're like, how they've exposed weakness to me. So I think my perception is more of their weakness, I guess, versus their strength, because I see complete strength to mean perfection. It means something that I can't attain. I think that's what starts making me really critical. But, I mean, the hard thing about this one particular group of friends that were from work is that one of them (the one was actually getting married), has really shown a lot of... Like we've talked about a lot of different things, and she's told me about different struggles, and, you know, about differences with their family. I actually feel a really close friendship with her, and don't feel this way in front of her. But it's these other girls who are part of the same place, like they're all (chuckles) friends, so it's hard to separate everybody. [00:21:03]

That's, it's sort of like it's more a superficial thing, and then that's when I start to think a certain way about myself. But I do it around stran , like I would do it around strangers, too, because I don't know anything about them, other than the way they look or their background or something. So I would probably think this other woman that was at the table with us, sort of, that sort of triggered it, too, because I was like, "Oh, she looks so perfect. She's probably thinking why...," you know, and she's a stranger to me. I don't know her that well, but that triggered it, too. So, it's probably like friends that are more like (chuckles) strangers, I guess in a away, that you don't know as well, because they haven't exposed themselves. Then also just strangers, too, because all you know about them is the way that, you know, the way they're presenting themselves. You don't know any of their weaknesses, so you immediately feel weak, because you know your own weaknesses, and they don't, they just seem like perfect compared to you. [00:22:19]

THERAPIST: Well, you also know your strengths.

CLIENT: Yeah. (chuckles) I don't always think of them.

THERAPIST: You got tearful when you said, "I don't always say no, I don't know how to say no to people."

CLIENT: Yeah. (sniffles) Because I feel like I don't have time for myself, because people are like, (sniffles) just constantly like asking me to do things. Which I mean, you would think it would be a good thing to have a lot of friends, but it's really hard. (sniffles) Sometimes, I feel like I just don't, I like want to say no and I just don't. I just want to like do stuff for myself, but I'm worried about what they'll say about me. (sniffles) So it's really, really hard for me to just say like, "No, I can't make that," because then I think that they're going to say like, "She can never make anything." Then I feel like they're going to talk about me and then, and I don't want... My biggest fear is always having people talk about me, because it's like I'll do anything to prevent that from happening. (therapist responds) [00:23:34]

So, for example, this one group of friends, I kind of want to (chuckles) slowly sort of drift away, because I just, I don't see a lot of positive from their friendships. And I do have a lot of other good, closer friends that I've just known for longer; but it's very difficult, because I don't want, I just constantly keep thinking that they're going to be like talking about me if I don't go to different things that they invite me to, and I don't want them to talk. It's like, this whole weird thing. I also still really want to be friends with this other girl, and I feel like I can't be friends with her, but not be friends with the rest of the group.

It's sort of, some friends, I feel like they'll understand that I'm busy and if I say no. Others, I think they don't understand. I'm sort of afraid that they'll say like, that I'm never available or I never make an effort or that I'm not a good friend. That's, I'll do, I'll just sacrifice myself or my health or my stress level to try to fit all this stuff in, so that they won't say anything about me. [00:24:56]

So, I'm constantly like, juggling a (chuckles) million things and don't really have time for myself, because I feel like I just have all these obligations between school, and then my friends, and I still want to make time for my boyfriend, to like (chuckles) enjoy each other. I'm doing all these things and I have a lot of obligations with family. That means my family is always guilting, like if I need (ph) pressure and guilt for not coming home enough or not doing enough things.

Like, my grandfather's birthday is two weekends before my finals. So I don't want to go to New Jersey, but my mom has been guilting me constantly about the fact that I'm not going. I feel really bad about it, I'm really stressed, but it's like, between family and friends, there are just all of these obligations. I don't want to make people unhappy, but in not trying to not make other people unhappy, I'm making myself unhappy and (chuckles) stressed. So, and it's literally because I really have a hard time saying no to people. I just never want to upset anyone, so I just always say yes. (sniffles) [00:26:21]

THERAPIST: Well, it seems like you're operating under the assumption that what you have to give will always be less than what people want from you. (client affirms) And so there is some way in which you need to make up for that, if that's the case. (client affirms) Which is why it's like, either you or them.

CLIENT: Yeah, basically. And then, it's usually them. Like giving stuff for other people usually always wins out over just having quiet, like doing stuff for myself. And I'm so envious of people when I hear that they actually, you know, have their weekends to themselves to do things that they want to do or to relax, because I'm just constantly booking things and scheduling things and juggling my calendar to see where I can fit people in and it's (sighs) really tiring. It almost becomes that, you know, seeing friends or spending time with them, especially if it's certain friends, where like this one group where you don't actually want to be spending time with them. You're just, I'm just doing it so that they won't talk about me. It's sort of like, you're not having an enjoyable time when you're with them. [00:27:45]

THERAPIST: It's like you're punching a clock!

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah! It's like another job or something. So... I need to figure (chuckles) out how to be able to say no without having this guilt that, and this... And I think I also need it not be so worried about other people talking about me, because people talk about everybody. It's going to happen and I just need to get over it. But I think that's a big fear like, from childhood, though, because people were always making fun of me and talking about me. So that's, I think that fear is still always there. You never want someone to say something negative about you or talk negatively about you. And so, you're just always trying to make them happy. Like a lot of times, if I can't attend an event... Like I (sniffles) missed my friend's baby shower because I was sick, I sent like a bouquet of flowers and sent all this stuff, because I didn't want them to talk about me for missing it, even though I was really sick. So, I'm just always trying to do all of this stuff to keep everyone else happy and juggle all these different little bubbles, I guess, of people. It's (sniffles), it's kind of tiring. [00:29:11]

THERAPIST: It sounds like it. And when you say people, do people talk about you like, you know, they say, "Oh, Felicity didn't come." Like, what, I guess that's talking about you, but that's probably not what you're worried about. So what do you...?

CLIENT: No. (sighs) It's just... And it really is just these, I have one group of, I have some groups of girlfriends from college that are great, and then I have one group of girlfriends from college that... they just tend to talk about whoever is not there. And so, I always think that if I'm not there, then they're going to say, "She never comes to anything," because we have one friend that's a nurse. She's never able to come, you know, when we get together. And they say, "She never comes to anything, she clearly doesn't care. She's clearly not making an effort, we don't know what's wrong with her." [00:30:06]

Like, you know, all this stuff and so then you think, "Well, if I'm the one not there, then they're just going to say that about me." So I have to try to like, juggle all this stuff, so that they don't say anything, and say that I'm being a bad friend or not making an effort. So it's not, I'm not worried about someone saying that I wasn't there. I'm just worried about them saying like, "I'm never there and I never make an effort and I'm a bad friend," even though maybe I wouldn't mind that, like (chuckles) it's almost like, I actually really wouldn't mind not being friends with them. But I think, because when I was younger, I wanted to have all these friends so badly, now it's like, I have so many friends, but I don't really want (chuckles) all of them, but it's hard to... It's hard to be willing to be the one to sort of sever the friendship or make the move to drift apart, because I used to want friends so badly, that it would be bad to lose them. [00:31:18]

But I mean, I do think a lot of it goes back to stuff from (chuckles) childhood. Definitely with just, wanting to be friends with people so badly that I didn't care how they treated me. I just wanted to have friends and so... And now, I'm to a point where, you know, when I need people, I just... You know, I connect with a lot of different people, and they want to be my friend. They want to do things with me, and I just can't say no to them. Now it's like, just so many people and so many people from different parts of my life that... There are people in there that I don't want to be, but I don't know how to stop it or how to like, to say no. [00:32:14]

THERAPIST: Did you have a hard time making friends growing up?

CLIENT: (affirms) Because I was just always a little bit different. Like, they either, people either made fun of me because of my weight (which, looking back, I really actually wasn't very overweight or overweight at all), but they would make fun of me because of that. Or I had like glasses and braces and everything, so they would just find anything to make fun of you for. I was really nerdy, so they would make fun of you for that. So I had a really hard time like, fitting in or finding people that I connected with.

One girl that I did connect with, she like went to private schools and then I was sort of left with (chuckles) all these other people. So then I want to make new friends with people that, at the same time, constantly poked fun at me, but I would still go to stuff with them and do the stuff with them, because I just wanted friends. I didn't care about the quality, I just wanted to have friends, so... [00:33:31]

(sighs) One of my friends from high school (who actually considers me to be her best friend, but I don't really consider her to be a very close friend, I was like in her wedding and stuff), she made fun of me constantly when we were teenagers. They used to like, send me brochures for fat camp and like all kinds of (therapist expresses dismay) stuff. Yeah. (chuckles) But then it was like, I was in her wedding and this other girl (who did the same thing), I was in (chuckles) both of their weddings, because they still considered me to be this good friend (even though they kind of tormented me, and told me I was husky, and making fun of me, and did all of this stuff). But I was willing to take that, just to be their friend. [00:34:26]

But now, on the flipside, I now have all of these other friends, and these two particular girls don't have any friends. So they're clinging to their friendship with me, because I won't say no to them or say "Remember how you treated...," or anything like that. And so, I kind of stayed in touch or stayed friends with them, even though they previously had treated me so horribly. And it's just because I can't let go of any friendships, because I think that that... It was so hard for me to get these friends to begin with, that letting go of them would be like the worst thing to do.

THERAPIST: Because you don't feel confident in the friends that you do have? Is that, like everyone or...? [00:35:20]

CLIENT: No, at this point, I feel very confident. A lot of the friends that I do have and... It's just there is something still there that I don't want to make these other people unhappy. I don't want to end the friendship because I just, there is something in me that can't do that, that can't let things kind of like, drift away. I just always feel this obligation to all of these people. It's really difficult because, you know, I have college friends, grad school friends, friends from when I worked at grad school, friends from working over here, now friends from (inaudible). Like there are so many different groups of people and it's really exhausting. Some of them, I consider to be amazing people and such great friends, and that's really the kind of friendship I would want. [00:36:18]

And then others, it's somehow, we sort of became friends, but it's not the type of friendship that I would want to really have, but I just don't know how to let it just drift away or say no to their invitations, until they finally get the hint and stop inviting me. Like, I just don't know how to do that, because there is some kind of reservation or anxiety about having people not like, I mean it's having people not like me. I think, it's like more of that, even than the friendship thing. It's an idea that someone doesn't like you. (therapist responds) I don't want, (chuckles) obviously, there are going to be people that don't like you. But I have so much anxiety over it from, as a kid, feeling like, you know, "No one likes me," that you know, at this point, I don't want to ever feel that anyone doesn't like me, so I have to, you know, please everybody. [00:37:24]

THERAPIST: How do you think you went from that to like, feeling like no one likes you, now everybody has to like you?

CLIENT: Um... I don't... (sighs) I don't really... know. I mean, (sighs) I think maybe it was just this sort of gradual thing that started happening as I started, all of a sudden, making all of these friends and realizing that I had qualities that people liked, especially in college and stuff. And then, it... (sighs) I don't remember any particular time when that set in, except to say that maybe it set in as I started making more and more friends, there must have been some sort of transition that happened. [00:38:31]

But, really, as long as I can remember from sort of college onward, I've felt like I wanted to please everybody and make everybody happy. But, I think part of that might have always been there when I was in high school, and I was younger, too, which is that I didn't have all these different groups of friends. So I think I always wanted to please other people and I always wanted to do things to have them like me, or make sure that my actions were such that they would think I was like them, or cool, or whatever. That probably happened more in high school. But then, as I started accumulating more and more friends, I didn't want to lose them.

THERAPIST: Is there the feeling like whoever is not your friend is your enemy? [00:39:27]

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, because it's automatically, if it was from... We're just not close anymore and we're not friends, so they must not like me. (therapist responds) So, yeah, it would be, they would be against me, or they would, yeah.

THERAPIST: I know that even as I say that, it sounds like even in the context of being friends, they're your enemy. They are looking at you, they are judging you (client affirms), you know, they're... I was, I thought about the expression of "keeping your enemies close" (client affirms). You need to keep them close, you need to watch them (client affirms), for fear of what they're going to do. You want to keep them, you want to make sure that they're under your watch.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's almost, it's basically like that for these, the one group from college and this one worker. It's, I just want to keep them happy and just so they won't go off and talk about me. I just don't know how to say no. It's that, and then it's stuff with, you know, not knowing how to say no to family and just feeling all this guilt. I just feel like I'm pulled in like, a million different directions, and I'm always juggling things and figuring out how to fit it all in. [00:40:47]

I don't really have a lot of time to just, you know, work on myself or do something that I want to do or enjoy. Because I think that's another reason why, when I have downtime, I like feel guilty or have a hard time with it, because I've scheduled so much of, you know, the other hours of my day. (therapist responds) Almost like my, every part of my day is like a different job or (chuckles) something. Sometimes I just, like I've found myself this week kind of just wishing that I could just, on the weekends, sort of like, do what I wanted to do, and not have to do what other people wanted me to do, and choose what I wanted to do. Because in a lot of ways, I feel like I don't have a ch , I know I have a choice, but I feel like I don't have a choice in doing these different things. [00:41:54]

THERAPIST: (pause) Well, you have to keep careful watch.

CLIENT: (affirms) (chuckles) Yeah. Yeah, to make, it is just to make sure that everything is in place and nothing is falling (inaudible), you know. So, yeah, it's, it's... really tiring and almost makes you resentful of people in your life, too, which is not (chuckles) great. (sighs) I mean, it's a part of me knows that a really positive thing for me would actually be the letting go of some of these friendships; but another part of me also feels like, well, "Is that taking the easy way out, because I just don't feel comfortable around them, and I don't feel comfortable them because of my own body image issues, and should I figure out how to be comfortable around them anyway?" [00:43:08]

Or like...It's like I know that being around them is negative and it would be good to just let it (chuckles) go. But it's almost like I think it's a challenge, that I need to figure out how to be okay around them, and not compare myself to them, and all this stuff, too.

THERAPIST: Where does the resentment piece come in?

CLIENT: Um... I think whenever I do something for someone, or else that, or hang out with them when I didn't want to, I resent them (therapist responds) at the same time. So, it's sort of like, "Okay, I have to make all these phone calls to family, and I have to send all of these cards to people, and send these gifts, and do this and this and that." Then it, it's like, in a way, there is like a little bit of resentment like, (sighs) "I have to go to the post office and do this for this person! I have to do this!" It's like this obligation instead of really like, wanting to do something. It's more of an obligation, I mean I almost resent the person, just a little bit, because you're doing it. And no one told you, you had to, but to me, I have to (therapist responds) do all of these things. [00:44:33]

Like, my boyfriend's parent (ph) sends e-mails every week. I feel like I have to respond to them periodically, because I feel like he gets upset if people don't answer his e-mails enough. I feel like no one else is really going to do it, so I need to do it. Sometimes I don't feel like (chuckles) e-mailing him back, but I just feel like I have to do it, or he'll get off , he'll feel upset, and I don't want that to happen, so I should probably do it. Like, there is all this kind of, it's doing a lot of things that you don't really want to do to keep everything in order, keep everybody happy.

THERAPIST: That sounds very exhausting. (inaudible), just to stop for today, okay? I will see you next week?

CLIENT: Yeah!

THERAPIST: Okay, great!

CLIENT: Thank you!

THERAPIST: Take care!

CLIENT: Thanks, (inaudible).

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