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CLIENT: I took advantage of Chet not being at work I took a three-hour lunch and visited Jersey at the hospital. The day after her surgery she got a blood transfusion, she had low blood [...] (inaudible at 00:00:32). It was a little low before and then they were like, "No, you need more blood." Last night she had another blood transfusion and they were thinking of giving her a third and she really freaked out. We have a mutual friend who is a doctor who also practices there and he visited and was like, "What the fuck? Why aren't you getting more blood transfusions?" [00:01:01] She's not his patient but he was like...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Because she's so youthful. She's short and small and very youthful looking, so sometimes that leads doctors to think she's young and healthy. It will be fine. I saw her today, getting her third blood transfusion when I came in and she was a lot better, which was such a huge relief. She wasn't running a fever anymore. She got another blood transfusion. She got a better knee mobilizer and a bunch of things. She still is exhausted and has really low energy, but her incision is fine and she's not running a fever, so I'm kind of like okay. I was there when the surgeon came by and he was like, "Yep. Great. Okay." [00:02:09] (sighs) So we talked, which was really great. (pause) It was really great that she seemed better, like she wasn't running a fever any more. I don't know. The incision is kind of gruesome because it's staples up her leg, but also I looked at it and I was like, "That looks great." It's not red or puffy. It looks like your leg with staples in it. I was like, "Okay. That's really good. We talked about her previous surgeries and how she had so much energy before. [00:03:06] We all talk about that. I've seen her feel better and being able to talk to her about it was really good. Also when I was there, a friend of hers came by and we all chatted. As I was leaving another friend showed up, so it was kind of nice to have that happening. One of her rock-climbing friends, despite being a huge flake, also has a sugar daddy, like randomly is a sugar daddy.

THERAPIST: Wait. The rock-climbing friend has a sugar daddy?

CLIENT: One of her rock-climbing friends has a sugar daddy.

THERAPIST: Is a sugar daddy?

CLIENT: Has one.

THERAPIST: Has one. Okay.

CLIENT: And so she bought Jersey new crutches because she just has money. [00:04:00] It's a little weird because she has no job, but she does have money.

THERAPIST: Yeah, like sort of kept.

CLIENT: Sort of. He buys her a lot of shoes and clothes sometimes. He's kind of mostly a crutchy hippie except that, I guess – I don't really understand what's exactly going on. I'm like, "Is he paying her rent? Does he give her money? What are you doing?" Jersey couldn't afford the crutches and [...] (inaudible at 00:04:42) was like, "Oh, you can have the standard crappy ones." So I'm really glad she's getting new crutches. It felt great. The other thing is, though, I went to my parents this Mother's Day and had sent them an e-mail. I was like, "Eurovision happened" because my mom likes it. She mentioned that Eurovision is a good American Idol for Europe, except that each country has really crazy musical acts and then you vote. It's really, really intense. Some of the acts do things like a lot of the former Soviet states do weird heavy-metal acts like Alice Cooper style. It's really weird. She was like, "It's too bad that I can't see that in the U.S." I found a video stream and it was taking place in Finland. I was like, "Eurovision! Topic of conversation." I'd throw out a few other qualities. [00:06:04] Then she wrote last night and said that she and my dad want to come down and visit for a day. I really, really don't want to. [...] (inaudible at 00:06:19) this weekend, before I could say, "I'm away this weekend and next weekend I'm helping a friend move." But my birthday is June 13th, so they want to see me before my birthday or maybe right after. I got this e-mail from them like, "Hey, we want to do a day visit, blah, blah." [00:07:03] Also, my mom had just been in the area visiting her friend, and had not mentioned it. She hasn't even mentioned that she went to visit my brother, either, which she does...

THERAPIST: You mean like in the area?

CLIENT: Yeah. Cassandra is her lesbian best friend. She wants to meet me and have brunch and then go antiquing and then go back to their respective places. My mom very much enjoys it. I [...] (inaudible at 00:07:53) every time that they go. I'm like [...] (inaudible at 00:07:57). So Cassandra is a lesbian. [00:08:01] I had mentioned to her mom at one point and she was like, "Cassandra is just having fun." I'm like, "Okay, that's true, but she's also a big lesbian." I was kind of like "get ready for when she tells you that.' I was giving her some tips on how to respond. When my mother and Cassandra were first becoming friends, I was really sure that Cassandra was a lesbian and I told my mom, "When she comes out, you..."

THERAPIST: Oh, she hasn't told your mom.

CLIENT: At the time, she hadn't told her. She has now, but when they first met Cassandra didn't say anything.

THERAPIST: How did they meet?

CLIENT: (laughs) They met at a women's center where I was doing yoga and my mom was driving me there.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Yeah. And they went to a kd lang (ph?) concert together once and my mom, when she described the concert and then three years later I was like, "You went to a kd lang concert!" When she was describing it the first time she was like, "You know, there were all these women there." [00:09:06] She thought it was funny that the audience was so female and I was like, "Oh, my God, mom, you went to a lesbian concert." She was like, "Nooo." I was like, "I have to go, mom. Goodbye." So this year at Christmas I had the idea that I could accompany my mom on one of their antiquing trips because I thought that I would have a [gift] (ph?) and she flipped out. She was very upset at the idea that I was going to try to... It is their trip and why am I trying to muscle my way into her trip with her friend?

THERAPIST: Wow. [00:09:59]

CLIENT: Yeah, I didn't expect that. She was really annoyed at my suggestion and was just like, "You can't just do that. We're having friends and we're just doing our thing." I was like, "Oh, I thought that since you want to see me and you want to see your friend, we could..." In my head I thought she'd be like, "Oh, yeah. Great. Sure. Let's do this sometime." It was yeah. She shot it down really hard which kind of hurt my feelings, but mostly I was just surprised that she said no and that she was so vehement about it. (pause) [00:11:04] Yeah, so my parents want me to do something for my birthday, which involves being in a car with them, having lunch, and coming back; and there's no way I can get out of it. There just isn't. Unfortunately, I can't do what I did last time, which is make Ashby come to the dinner with me. The last time my parents visited it was kind of awkward. (chuckles) They were like, "Oh, you can bring Ashby, too." It was an excellent little play.

THERAPIST: Is it too far for Ashby?

CLIENT: I think that they're less likely to... it's sort of two things. [00:11:58] I feel bad making Ashby go with my parents and me not wanting to talk to them and it's not going to be a very fun car rid. Also I think it's far enough that they would think it was weird. Like why am I inviting my roommate to... I don't know. I just think they wouldn't go for it. I've been trying to think if there is anyone else that I can wrangle into this as a decoy? I just got the e-mail last night. I haven't replied yet. I think I'm going to reply tonight. (sighs) [00:12:58] I'm just worried that they're going to try to talk to me again about feelings and I don't want to do that trapped in a car and then have no way of getting back home if I wanted to talk out. Theoretically I could do various things. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Right. Yeah, yeah. No, I get it. You could always get a cab or something.

CLIENT: Yeah. Call a friend or find a bus or something.

THERAPIST: [...] (inaudible at 00:13:31)

CLIENT: Also it's way more dramatic to stomp out. Fuck you. I've never done that, so it would also be like... I don't care to, personally. `[00:13:59] (pause) I don't want to talk to them and they also want to give me a birthday present. We've talked several times. My parents offered to pay for driver's ed so I could get a driver's license, but I don't feel like doing that this summer. I want to take a language class. What I really want from them that I don't think they would give me is I really want a trip for a weekend, ideally when it's fall or winter. I do not think they would go for that. [00:14:58]

THERAPIST: Because of the cost?

CLIENT: Mmm, no. They bought me my computer, which is more than that. They're just...it's too ephemeral. They bought me a plane ticket to visit my brother and family members, so that's not the issue. I've asked them once or twice at Christmas if they would do that. I was like, "I'd really like to be somewhere sunny," and that just leads to a discussion about how my Aunt used to go on cruises with my grandpas and her husband and they would always do this one cruise a year; and they really liked it. [00:16:01] It was just sort of like, "Oh, yeah. she loved cruises, but those are for old people." And that's the end of it. There is actually a drag queen cruise.

THERAPIST: I think you mentioned that at one point.

CLIENT: They did it last year and they're doing it again.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you were pretty psyched about it, if I recall.

CLIENT: Yes. I kind of am again. I don't think they'd go for that, either. That one is actually more expensive. It's like $850. I'm not sure I actually want to be on a cruise boat of people. I think I actually just want to sit on a beach and... sit on a beach. (pause) [00:17:00] Yesterday after therapy I went to the sewing studio and I thought I would do some sewing to relax, chill out. While I was sewing, there was a knitting class going on and they were just chatting while knitting. It felt like the last 45 minutes led to... They were discussing Montessori schools. There were a couple of parents and a Montessori school teacher. They just started discussing what they did or didn't tell their kids when this was happening, like what they didn't tell their kids about the bombing –what they did or didn't tell their kids about the city being on lock-down. [00:18:02] It was really... part of it was interesting in what the stories were that people chose to tell their kids and how much they tried to explain later, sort of this – what are we telling you right now so you stay inside and do you explain it more? The other thing that made me feel sort of stressed and upset again was there were several mothers talking about their kids and how they were so worried about their kids. It was the worst thing; it was so traumatic. And then someone else was like, "I didn't turn on the TV because I didn't want my kids watching the news, so my mom was texting me all the time." Or like, "Oh, yeah. My friends were keeping me updated through text or through Facebook or whatever." [00:19:06] Also I was working on charity quilt squares.

THERAPIST: You were knitting or sewing?

CLIENT: That's what I was sewing. It seemed like I could do something sort of concrete and feel good.

THERAPIST: Yeah, sure.

CLIENT: And it's due this week. So I was already kind of thinking in my head about the bombing and everything; and then hearing them talk about their experiences as mothers and their experiences with their mothers was really stressful and upsetting – more than I expected. [00:20:03] (pause) At first they were just randomly talking about the bombing and about the Monday after the bombing and I was like, "I really didn't expect to have a debrief, but okay." I just continued doing whatever. Then when they started talking about "my kid this," "my kid that," or "the kids in my class that I teach," it was like (pause) somehow it felt more objectively awful that my mom had not cared. [00:21:09] It was people I don't know, all of whom have the experience of their parents being really worried. One of them was saying how her mother called her five times in the middle of the night on Thursday night when there was the police chase and everything. I was scared about that. Then they called all the next day and some of them were like, "This is the scariest thing that's ever happened. I never thought I would be in an experience like we were in where I felt my children were unsafe." Something about hearing that from other people, I guess other people that are somewhere around my age, it's like 30s, 40s... yeah. [00:22:17] I was just kind of like, "This is a group of normal women, sort of affluent." My mom... (sighs) I have a weird group of friends. Sometimes I'm like, "Well, my friends are weird and sometimes the things that will bother me or bother... like when a friend of mine's daughter broke her bed when her boyfriend was visiting – but not like that – just gave her a new bed. He was just like, "Whatever the reason, here's a new bed frame." [00:23:14] I know that's a weird reaction. I don't think most parents would say, "Oh, you broke your bed with your boyfriend. Here's a new bed." Just very casual like, "Yeah, whatever. That's cool. I don't need to hear what you were doing."

THERAPIST: How old is the kid?

CLIENT: Seventeen. Yeah, not really a kid. Well, no – I'm kind of thinking that she's usually very mature for her age but is very hilarious about her boyfriend sometimes. "We weren't doing anything." Uh-huh. But then she'll have these very like, "I don't think he's as emotionally mature as I am. I've heard that men mature at a different rate." I'm just like, "Yes, that's true." (both laugh) [00:24:14] Your boyfriend that you're not doing that with. So, yeah, I guess it sort of felt like all the normal people, as it were, got calls from their parents or were worried as parents and it felt very alienating. I wasn't part of their conversation, but it still felt very alienating and just – I don't know. [00:25:06] (pause) I usually don't think of my mom as being a super-typical normal mom, mostly in good ways. I think she's given a lot of information about things that some parents didn't and listened to me when I said things and whatever – all of which I totally value but... (pause) (sighs) [00:26:00] It reinforced how, despite my mom insisting that this was a totally normal thing, that she was just playing bridge and didn't call and whatever, it was fine and normal. I'm still hearing these very normal things where I would be like, "Oh, yeah. Of course I would have called." It just really reinforced my mom as being really crazy on this and is really determinedly having her position and is sticking to it. I don't want to discuss her position more with her at all. (pause) Yeah. [00:26:59] There was also something like in this sewing space we were all women. They were sewing and doing other crafts, so it was also just I met all these women that were doing domestic – whatever they were doing. There was just something about my mom really failing me in this case in a way where everyone else's mom didn't. Usually I feel the other way. I feel like coming out to my mom was stupidly easy and everyone else's mom flipped out. Thank you mom. Things like that are – when I came sexually out, she didn't lose her shit. [00:28:01] Like taking a ridiculous major in college. She was the only parent [...] (inaudible at [0:28:13]who didn't lose their shit over the major, which is [...].

THERAPIST: That was applied [...] (inaudible at 00:28:24)

CLIENT: [...] (inaudible at 00:28:26) was special fields about pre-American studies [...].

THERAPIST: Very practical degree.

CLIENT: Literally everyone else's parents freaked out.

THERAPIST: Very cool that she didn't.

CLIENT: Yeah. Actually, when I talked to her about it, I was like, "Maybe I should do English instead." And she was like, "No, you should do the degree that you want to." She mentioned, "Your dad and I knew you were going to do that, so I don't know why you're upset about it." [00:29:00] (pause) But with this it's really hard that she – I don't know – went the wrong way. The other thing that I find really hard is that I talk out a lot of things with people and that's not going to help. I hate to be [...] (inaudible at 00:29:40), like it's all her end, but I don't think I can do that. It's also really hard. I don't know who to tell, except for Jamie, any of my friends about it – except for Ashby who was there. [00:30:07] It's just too upsetting and like I want to defend her because she's my mom, but I'm mad at her so I don't know what I want as a response.

THERAPIST: I would also imagine that you are worried about being upset, even in front of people who you're close to and who care about you. You worry that they're going to be critical of that or [...] (inaudible at 00:31:14). [00:31:15]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And not necessarily to do it [...] (inaudible at 00:31:20), but they won't get it. They don't see the side. They'll think it will be dramatic or crazy or something.

CLIENT: I think the other thing I'm worried about is sort of the other response of, "You just shouldn't talk to them," which I don't want to do.

THERAPIST: Do you worry that I'll think that?

CLIENT: No. I know at least a half dozen people who have cut off ties with their biological family. [00:32:04] So in a weird way it seems like that's what people just do, even though to me I'm like, "What the fuck? You cut off ties with your whole family?" The other thing is that I've often talked about things that are problems with my parents get into the logical hell. I have a boring coming-up story. Or that my mom was totally comfortable with discussing sex with me and she wasn't worried about this and that, and a lot of my friends are like, "You have such an awesome mom." Like " Can I borrow your mom?" [00:33:12] It feels really weird to be like, "Yeah, but she really sucks this time." Also both Ashby and Jamie had the response of, "But your mom is a crazy worrier. It's really weird she didn't call or contact you." I feel like starting the conversation would be like, "So my mom didn't call me or text me." And they'd say, "What? That's so weird." And then it feels like they're saying it didn't happen, but that's not what they're saying. [00:34:05]

THERAPIST: I see. (pause) It just felt like it sounded like [...] (inaudible at 00:34:25) or there was something wrong about it.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think it's surprise mostly. Usually [...] (inaudible at 00:34:46) my friends about my mom, I get that she loves me and cares about me. It's just that she does these crazy things. So this is more like I don't feel like she loves me and cares about me if she did this crazy thing. [00:35:06] There's sort of nothing ameliorating her weird behavior. (pause)

THERAPIST: I guess they're all worried what would get in the way of their hearing you out and kind of being on your side about what happened.

CLIENT: Yeah. I don't really like phone calls because of the lack of body language, et cetera, but (sighs) I actually don't see an in-person conversation going much differently. There are some conversations that...

THERAPIST: You mean with your mom?

CLIENT: With my mom. (pause) I'm also still, I guess, resentful of my brother. I should actually ask him if he told my parents that I was upset. [00:37:04] But I'm also upset about how to talk to him about it. He wasn't really giving me his attention and when he was, he was giving me a lot of excuses for whatever and saying that it was unreasonable for me to expect... What he was saying was that you can't expect them to be emotionally expressive, which it's sort of true. I don't expect them to do that, but I don't think what I was asking for was beyond either of my parents' capabilities. [00:38:15] I get that they didn't want to talk about it, but my mom, with me being unsafe or injured or whatever, even if she can't talk about her feelings, I do think that she could have been like, "I heard this thing on the news. Are you okay?" I feel like that's what I wanted. Also her apology was really shitty, like it wasn't an apology. [00:39:05] (pause) So I thought, for various reasons, a lot about good and bad ways to apologize. There's the full apology like "I'm sorry that you were offended" or "I'm sorry that you felt upset" or other various things, not taking responsibility for what you said. "I'm sorry the world is so horrible" or whatever. One of my friends had this thing where the idea of apology is I would say what I did that was wrong, indicate that I understand why it was wrong, and that I will attempt to not do it in the future or "these are concrete things that I am going to do so that will do so that I will not do this again." [00:40:25] That's an ideal, but I don't think my mom thinks that she did anything wrong so, yeah, I guess she just doesn't think she did anything wrong. She's very clear on that for herself, so I can't be upset. [00:41:15] (long pause) (sniffles)

THERAPIST: I think it's sort of overwhelming, the idea that she put you in such an impossible situation like that.

CLIENT: Yeah. (sniffles) [00:42:17] I also feel embarrassed or ashamed to try to talk about it at times. I'm not sure why I feel ashamed, but I do. I don't know. Not that her bad behavior reflects on me, but I guess it's more like (pause) I feel like I'm still very overwhelmed and not having a handle on this to be more casual about it. [00:43:15] But also I guess I'm embarrassed that my mom didn't think it was important enough to call me because it feels like I wasn't important. In some way I also weirdly feel like I did something or like I failed at being the good daughter or something and that's why she didn't call or wasn't worried.

THERAPIST: We should stop.

CLIENT: I won't see you next week.

THERAPIST: I'll see you in a couple of weeks.

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