TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Okay, so let me just cancel. Oh, my God. Yeah. That was pretty. What day did you want to reschedule to?

THERAPIST: One day I know could do would be Friday, which is the 14th.

CLIENT: That would not be possible for me.

THERAPIST: I feared as much, but it's the only thing at moment I know I've got. So, I will let you know if I have anything.

CLIENT: Okay. My other question is you sent me an e-mail that I didn't respond to about when you could run my card.

THERAPIST: Oh. This was like last month?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I asked because I just did billing again this month, but I didn't get to a few people, including you.

CLIENT: So, the answer is I don't have any money until the 14th. If you could e-mail me what the current bill is, that would be good. [00:01:30]

THERAPIST: Yeah. I will do that. Like I said, I did most of them yesterday, but I didn't get to you. So, I will do that. Yeah. I tend to do people who are self pay first.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I will send you the bill, probably over this weekend.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: I know you won't have any money until the 14th. That way you will have a bill.

CLIENT: I'm pondering asking my parents to pay my bill for my birthday, but if you can't wait, that's fine.

THERAPIST: Okay. I can wait until then.

CLIENT: I'm saying I'm going to see my parents on Saturday.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. I can get it done earlier.

CLIENT: Yeah. If possible.

THERAPIST: Yeah. That should be fine.

CLIENT: Okay. [00:02:30]

THERAPIST: I will pull up my calendar and note that. (pause)

CLIENT: Related to the billing. One of the things that happens to me when I'm feeling depressed, especially if I'm stressed and depressed, is I completely lose track of all my money. [00:03:30]

It's usually like I get out a little bit more or just I don't even know. Whenever it happens I'm just like but where did it go? I look, but I still, like what happened. The day before I was like my bank balance was $800 lower than I thought it was. Like, I don't know where that money went, but it wasn't fraudulent. So, I had a huge freak out about that the next day and what to do. So, and also I think I mentioned Chet just fucked off without telling me and for that morning on Wednesday, I got in and there were immediate computer problems. Like, I walked in the door and someone called there were ones I couldn't fix so I had to call someone else. We were basically trying to, it's the instruction room, so she's having a class in 20 minutes.

THERAPIST: I see yeah. Right. [00:05:10]

CLIENT: The room was booked. I call someone over to help. It was just super stressful. My least favorite everything. I also felt a little bit guilty because someone had reported a little bit of a problem, but I couldn't get it to repeat and I was like yeah, okay, whatever and it was the same problem just magnified. So, that happened and then I was trying to fix something else. The computers the instructor made very mouthy, snarky remark.

THERAPIST: Say that again.

CLIENT: The Instructor.

THERAPIST: Towards you?

CLIENT: Towards me. Again, I was running around and I said something to someone else how Chet wasn't around and she was like is that why everything is not working well or something like that? I said no, if Chet was here, he would have called me. More than once I've had people want, they feel that if something's going wrong that they should talk to Chet. [00:06:30]

Well, can you tell me where the documentation is and have that person come here? That person is me. So, that was frustrating. It was very frustrating. I completely freaked out and I want to ask my roommate, my friend Molly, if she could cover me for the trip, but I feel super guilty about doing that especially since she has an ongoing issue with her husband where he just kind of chronically is bad with his money. [00:07:30]

He's always like I don't know where that thousand dollars went so she took over their two bank accounts a couple years ago. He's like usually payment didn't go through because he had whatever. Now I'm being your irresponsible husband and it's super stressful and she was very nice with me. It's okay. I'm doing it. Still, like, in the midst of it being really stressful on Wednesday I was having a moment of maybe I shouldn't even go. Maybe I should just like stay home and because it all felt like asking Molly for money felt overwhelming. The idea of flying felt overwhelming. I had secured a ride from my apartment to the subway so it was easier to get to the airport, but I was still like oh, God, what if the silver line is fucked up again? [00:08:30]

Last year I had this horrific travel experience where everything was delayed and canceled and I spent over 24 hours on a six or an eight hour trip. I couldn't believe the horrible delays and also I got pulled aside for two extra security searches which I always find stressful.

THERAPIST: I'm sorry. Two what?

CLIENT: Extra security searches which I always find stressful.

THERAPIST: So, you had been pulled for it?

CLIENT: Yeah. Last year it happened to me twice.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. I always get irrationally freaked out. I think what if I forgot and left my bag? I don't even know.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Last year I was like oh, I actually have a pot brownie in my bag that I completely forget about and the time to deal with that is not when they pull you aside for extra security. That did not happen to me, but I just, it was really h to get myself all together to go. The other thing that I was really worried about two friends of mine who were going there for their first time and I was concerned that they would be super clingy and needy. [10:00:00]

It's like constantly what are we doing next? What are we doing next? Which was exacerbated by one of them. Actually both of them were freaking out for the two weeks leading up. What do I wear? How do I pack? I don't know what to bring. I'm just like it's a convention. Bring clothes. I'm like don't know what to tell you. One person in particular was just like, really like I need you to hold my hand for the entire packing and leaving process and she was flying with her husband. Her husband decided to go with her because she was nervous and there was also a (inaudible).

I don't know. I was just like but you have your husband going with you. I don't, you already have someone who's basically your travel agent for the trip, so why are you doing this? A friend suggested e-mailing them in advance like I might be really busy, but I want you to have a good time and here are some suggestions of things to do which I did and they both replied with huge, clingy, needy e-mails which made me feel better about sending them the e-mail. [00:11:30]

Yeah. I was just very, I don't know, I just felt very like I was see-sawing emotionally between wanting to see a lot of people and not wanting to see people. Trying really hard not to have any huge group dinners, because I find it really stressful to have a table that seats more than six. Six is the most I want to do. Definitely no more than eight and in conventions the tables are 12 to 14 which I find it gets too noisy. It gets too loud. Splitting the bill is always a disaster. Back to back in one day an all day party that I was supposed to host. [00:12:30]

So, that was also super anxiety because it was like I don't want to host this party. I don't want to meet with this panel. I don't know. It's just very, I guess I was very anxious and freaked out and not for the usual reasons. I didn't feel like anxious that like no one would have a meal with me or that like I would have no friends or whatever.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Also, a friend of mine who is a sci-fi geek and local, she teaches. Women's studies. She's doing an anthological study on science fiction fans and embodiment and some other things. When I heard.

THERAPIST: Fan's and embodiment? [00:13:30]

CLIENT: Science fiction fans and how they perceive embodiment of themselves within fandom. How they experience their body or themselves within like conventions. One of her findings was that pretty much everyone she talked to had that fear that they would go to the convention and there would be no one to talk to or sit or eat with. Regardless of their relative popularity, everyone had that and I was like oh, good, great. It was, I don't know. She's telling me about other parts of it and she mentioned that. Oh, we're all crazy that way. Great. [00:14:30]

Yeah. I was just not feeling like I could handle anything or anyone. I also felt bad dodging people who wanted to spend time with me and I did not want to spend time with them because they're emotionally draining or they're whatever or ADD. So, not getting caught up in their behavior was difficult. (pause) [00:15:30]

THERAPIST: It's like being taken over. By people intending to take you over, like your friends who want to help or kind of just take another being overwhelmed by the noise and how about a table of 14 people.

CLIENT: Yeah. One of the things that I was feeling and was the most frustrated and worried about was this local friend, Zen. I call her Zen to tell her apart. [00:16:30]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: The reason is didn't do anything is complicated and weird. So, she, reinvents herself like every four years just as a reboot. It's really disconcerting and weird. So, I don't know. When I first met her, she was in the midst of like a I'm really like, I'm kinky and queer and all these things and I was like oh, I like all those things. Promptly got involved with making groups for her and then dropped out half way through the year without telling anyone. She's bi-polar and has been hospitalized more than once for intense and suicidal feelings, but doesn't like to take any medication because it makes her fat, but she also insists she has very intense symptoms. It's just that she personally doesn't want it. [00:18:00]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Which I find very troubling. Then also she's like oh, I just grew out of that.

THERAPIST: The bipolar disorder?

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Because she has that.

THERAPIST: Right. That's too bad.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's really painful for me to watch at times. Especially when she's really winding herself up. It's just like mania. She gets other people kind of sucked in to it and is completely like narcissistically focused on whatever is the thing. So, she was doing that and then she installed keystroke log software on her boyfriend's computer. [00:19:00]

THERAPIST: Wait. I am sorry.

CLIENT: She installed spyware, like keystroke recording software on his computer.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Caught him cheating, dumped him and started dating this other guy that has a live in girlfriend and then did a personality reboot. The newest guy in her life is in to computer gaming. So, she's like oh, I'm not in to burlesque anymore. That's boring. Now I have a woman in gaming who is interested in feminism and I'm only going to wear jeans and t-shirts and I'm going to dye my hair black and that whole other thing doesn't exist anymore. I'm just like okay. She went from I'm really sexy. I'm going to dress like Joan from Madmen 24/7 and be very like be sexually provocative and sexy and talking about that to I will only wear jeans, t-shirts and hoodies and make up is the devil. [00:20:10]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So, that and then at first she said she's a girl geek. Then she's like no, I'm a feminist gamer geek. I'm just like okay. When she does the reinventions, she kind of pretends the other ones didn't exist. Which is also really like.

THERAPIST: Odd.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's an odd thing. My roommate Ashby and people who have known her for a while and they just think yeah, she does that. They kind of said it to me.

THERAPIST: It's often, I don't know, that's I mean it's usually probably about running away from something.

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess a lot of what I find disturbing about her is that I'm just like you're not mentally okay and you're just running around. To me, it's really clear that you're a bipolar and having a lot of problems. [00:21:40]

Everyone is enabling you. Is that not existing? So, they were like oh, she's just being dramatic. She's a speed block. I'm like or, she's really in the midst of some kind of mental problem and not getting any treatment for it at all. It's super hard to talk to her about it. Like, I've basically given up.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's not going to go anywhere. So, she reinvented herself as a feminist gamer chick person. That thing happened where like I know a lot of feminists on line and some of them are gamers and now Zen has them or is like oh, I see so you know Karen so she can help you which is fine. Except for she said something like I'm going to go travel this year. Why did non one tell me about it and was raging for like a month that everyone was horrible for not telling her about a public convention that I go to every year and talk about. She actually should have done it in person. Like, this very intense kind of manic rant in which she didn't stop for breath and I was just like. [00:23:30]

THERAPIST: Fast and pressured.

CLIENT: What?

THERAPIST: Fast and pressured.

CLIENT: Oh, yeah. So, I was worried about that. One of the other things, I just felt like do you not want anyone to think that I'm responsible for anything to do with her? If she's having a meltdown, do not grab me. Go grab her husband. If she flies off the handle about something weird, I'm not going to explain it. So, that was awkward. I also knew when we both got there she was going to be upset that more people needed me than her. When she goes to gaming conventions everyone knows who she is and she gets a lot of attention. People are all like Zen, Zen, Zen, Zen. Oh, my God. You're so brilliant. Tell me about all these things. She didn't get that at all and was clearly pissed about it. In advance, it was really frustrating to be trying to have... [00:25:00]

THERAPIST: Sorry. Was she one of the people who was latching on to you?

CLIENT: Yes, she's one of the people who is latching on to me.

THERAPIST: Yeah. The one with the husband?

CLIENT: Yeah. And, usually he does a lot of intensely enabling calming behavior when she's wound up which I have a lot of feelings about, about but I'm like that's your relationship I guess. Anybody who was there and that she had someone else to freak out and have melt down but on the other hand I was like, I got frustrated and I was like you need to handle her. [00:26:00]

Also, she was kind of rude to various people. During a panel, she started to Twitter, trash talking the panel which my friend Molly was on. During the panel, she's like this is the worst. The complaint was I have to leave. This is too horrible. She's like this is terrible. Maryann's like wow, really? Like you couldn't give up 60 minutes? At one point Zen and two uglies she picked up were at the hot tub, the hotel hot tub. There's a hot tub social hour. I get there and I'm like hey everyone and so Zen and two other people were like sitting. I sit down and a few minutes later they were like we have to go swim in a bigger pool now. It was actually more funny than hurtful. I was really hurt for a few minutes and then I thought this is the most weirdly ridiculous thing. It was just so ludicrous that it stopped feeling hurtful pretty quickly and so I was like also the hot tub. [00:27:30]

Yeah, I mean people still ask me. They're like so, Zen and are sort of like what the fuck? I think after one day I think I just said, I turned around and said look, here's the deal. She's a drama queen. She reinvents herself. I've got nothing. A lot of people were like okay, got it. Just not, but yeah, I don't know. She, I guess, for whatever reason, she was sort of more kept on trying to I think. This other girl, Jamie, who is also very clingy and has very few social skills and tends to glom on to someone and intensely talk to them and with not talking social cues. You are like edging against the wall and she's just...

THERAPIST: I see. [00:29:00]

CLIENT: As it turns out she has gotten much better. When she visited me maybe four years ago every single person I introduced her to dislike her.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Which was impressive. They were all like what the fuck is up with this chick? Like, what? Ashby almost killed her during that visit. So, yeah. I mean for valid reasons, actually. Jamie had taken a cardigan out of Ashby's bedroom to put on because she was cold. It was brand new. Ashby had barely worn it. It was a fancy cardigan. Ashby got in to a conflict and said that's mine. I just got it. She was like yeah, well, I was cold and it thought it would keep me warm. I was like you know in my bedroom there are clothes and she still didn't. I had to remove it from her and hand it back to Ashby. It was stressful and also I was really like what the fuck. So, yeah. I guess I was really worried about both of them, unpleasantly to humor her over the weekend. Which mostly didn't happen, but still.

THERAPIST: It was stressful?

CLIENT: Yes. It just worried me. It was just background worry the whole trip. I think it sort of, the other big frustration is that my birthday is on the 13th and my mom's like so, we're going to come down and visit you. [00:31:20]

THERAPIST: Right. I think you mentioned her driving up for dinner.

CLIENT: Yeah. They also at one point said we're retired so we can come down and spend the whole day because they know I take it off every year. I managed to cut that off. I negotiated it down to them coming this weekend which also means I can't do something in the city I actually really wanted to do this weekend. My roommate, Ashby, offered to be a human shield during this endeavor because I was complaining about it. I was like I really just want someone else to distract them, so she offered. I guess I feel like I'm planning some kind of motivation plan. What is the bare minimum time? What is the minimum amount of time I can spend helping deflect any discussions of anything in advance. How to deploy Ashby as a human shield without making her want to kill me? Also, not having my parents try to discuss anything to do with emotions or guilt trip me. Because my parents, when I was away last weekend, they decided to go to in hard this weekend to go, let's plan. [00:33:20]

THERAPIST: For when you're here.

CLIENT: Yeah. I have to go this weekend but I really don't want to. (pause) I also don't like right now I don't want my parents. I sort of feel like I don't want a gift from them right now. My parents have asked and I've thought of things, but I mostly just want you to not like... The only present I would like is for us to undo our conversation. The next present I would like is for my mom to have some sense of why I was upset. [00:34:20]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Also, a plane ticket to visit a friend and they have said no to that before and I don't know why.

THERAPIST: I think you mentioned that. It's not the cost.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's not. They had me give them what they want to give me for a present. Sometimes they have given me money, but my mom doesn't like that to be the only present. She prefers that it's like an object of some kind, although they offered me driving lessons and I had also suggested maybe I wanted a language class. Yeah. It's just very, like this year my mom has been trying to buy me an e-reader for three years. I don't really want it, but sure.

THERAPIST: You didn't want what?

CLIENT: I don't really want one particularly.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: She was so insistent on it that I was like okay, I guess I'm getting an e-reader.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So. Yeah. [00:36:00]

THERAPIST: If anybody knew they did want an e-reader it would probably be you. Libraries and technology. Books. Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think she decided that's what I want because I like books.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And goddammit I was going to get the thing.

THERAPIST: The thing that she knew you wanted.

CLIENT: Yes. It's also sort of like the language of love and how to express love and one of the ways I do is definitely through gifts. I like to give a nice person a nice gift and it's really difficult for me when someone won't give me any sort of information about what they want or what they want immediately or are super picky and really only want the precise thing.

THERAPIST: Right. Which to you is not so personalized anymore.

CLIENT: Yeah. So, my parents and my brother and his wife all want me to give them specifics and say this is the exact thing that I want. [00:37:35]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I have been working on letting go of the idea that they will figure out something. I gave them a list of five things that I totally want. Here are three general categories.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: It just really didn't work. Like, I asked one year can you get me a cookbook that you have used and liked and what I got is the coffee table cookbook from my brother which we have never used because it's a coffee table book. His girlfriend had suggested it. My mom bought me a remainder cookbook that someone else said they had liked. That's not what I asked for. So, figuring out what to ask them for is really, I really want them to just get me something that I would find meaningful. Like a plane ticket. A variety of things. There's nothing I can do. [00:39:00]

THERAPIST: I think a lot of this is I feel like you're telling this a little bit so I will be the one who's really angry on your behalf at all these people are being so unreasonable and making demands on you, unfair demands, generally. Or generally being pains in the ass. You're just having a lot of that I think and none of your own sort of frustrations. I mean there's some worry about how it will affect you or how it could ruin things for you, but not anger or frustration which is sort of I imagine is in there somewhere.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I'm mean I'm not saying, it's partly, sorry, go ahead. [00:40:35]

CLIENT: Part of it is that I am really tired. I'm just really exhausted from dealing with my mom the past couple of weeks that I have kind of progressed to the numb stage where I'm like okay. It's happening. Blah. Today, in general, has been kind of a numb day for whatever reason. Yeah. I mean I guess the thing was that I was having, I was really scared to talk to Molly about paying her back. She said I could pay her back, not the 31st, which is that payday. Unless I couldn't. So, I felt just horrible. (pause) [00:42:00]

It's just one of those things where I felt horrible asking her for money. The entire time I was worried that she was going to end up very angry and hurt that I borrowed money. It also makes me feel very out of control, because a lot of how I feel is because I don't know where that money went. One of the things that my mom is always one me is if I, I don't know, if I go to the store and say like I need an order so I spent $150. To my mom, to her she's like you're being panicked. You're having these, you're sort of shopping so you feel better and this whole sort of thing. So, we went back and forth. No, I just bought some stuff versus well, what if I am having like manic money spending? Yeah. I feel very childish that I don't, didn't have it together enough to correctly know how much money I have.

THERAPIST: We should stop for now. I'll see you tomorrow.

CLIENT: Okay. I will see you tomorrow.

THERAPIST: Okay. See you.

END TRANSCRIPT