TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: I was just super busy, but I will look through it tomorrow night and figure out what the bill would be from May and let you know. And then, if it's still okay, I'll charge [...] (inaudible at 00:00:20).

CLIENT: Okay. That sounds great. (sighs) I don't know if I mentioned it but I've been feeling really disconnected/out of my body lately, which I don't like for many reasons.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: At first I was like, "Okay, it's because of my parents visiting or whatever," but I still feel that way. [00:01:09] On Thursday, my birthday, I went to visit one of my friends – my friend, Jersey, who is recovering from surgery. We cooked together, which we have done a bazillion times and I ran into her three times. It's really bad to run into her. I ran into, I think, her leg that had been operated on twice. Jersey was like, "How about you stand over there for a while?" and I'm like "Yes. Sure." She was mentioning how it was really hard for some people to do this and I said, "No. I've done this a bazillion times. The problem is I don't really feel like I have a sense of where I am in space. [00:02:03] I was doing things and I knew that she was there, but I didn't really get a sense of – I don't know – like the two of us together. I just didn't feel fully attentive to what I was physically doing, which was... I don't know. Like when I realized that that was the issue, it was both disturbing and upsetting because I accidentally hurt her a couple of times. Whatever. It was an accident, but I didn't mean to and I don't want to. Also it just felt so weird to not being able to do something simple like sharing a kitchen with someone without whacking into them. [00:03:08] It just didn't feel like me. I'm usually pretty aware of where people are in relationship to me and I wasn't. (pause) [...] (inaudible at 00:03:47) I was feeling both really anxious and, I guess, not really settled. [00:04:06] Part of the thing was that someone is really pressuring me to let him use his connections to be helpful. It was like we had a talk before at the end of the week and I told him, "Don't be ridiculous." We were phone-tagging.

THERAPIST: In regard to?

CLIENT: Like work, being at a craft show.

THERAPIST: Was this the guy with who connected you...

CLIENT: Yeah, he hasn't, but he's the guy that knows a guy who knows the dean's scheduler. I don't quite understand how, but – whatever. [00:05:01] He sent me an e-mail like, "I'm really frustrated that you want everyone to help you but I feel like you're not letting me. Blah, blah blah." [00:05:10] I was like, "I've been really depressed, but okay, let's do it." That was also really stressful and we ended up phone-tagging and not managing to get together on the weekend. That was kind of looming over me the whole time. I was also hanging out with one of my friends, just one-on-one on Saturday. I actually have a hard time concentrating and staying with our conversation. [00:06:04] In part, it was also she is a very reserved person and just had some very stressful thing happen, so when she came out to meet me she had tears in her eyes and was like, "Can you just let me sit for a minute." I'm like, "Okay." Basically like "don't look at me for ten minutes while I – whatever. I enjoyed it, but it was still kind of... We had a nice conversation, I had nice food, we were chatting, but I also sort of felt like – I don't know – not totally a part of it.

Then there was a barbeque for my [...] (inaudible at 00:06:57) group and I debated over going but it was five minutes from my house and I was like, "I should really go." [00:07:07] That was similar. I felt sort of like I feel when I get really dehydrated. I felt a little dizzy; I felt a little out of it; I sort of felt like if someone would ask me a question it would take a while for it to get through to my brain. Or if someone was like, "Are you hungry?" I was like, "I don't know." I was not really sure how I was feeling about things. That's still going on. I don't know. (pause) [00:08:03] I'm not really sure why. I mean I guess my parents visiting is sort of what kicked this off, but (sighs) I guess it's hard for me to really think about. Like when I try to think about work – okay... Everyone asked me what it was like for my parents visiting. I pretty much would answer that it kind of sucked a lot. Ashby was there. The end; but I don't know how to talk about how I felt about it or how it was alienating and weird and all of that. [00:09:04] (long pause) [00:10:05]

I don't know. Summer is usually such a good time for me emotionally. I'm used to summer being a time when I feel good, like I want to go out and see people or do things and sit outside and – I don't even know. This whole week I just didn't really want to go out and do anything. Sunday I just had a horrible time getting out of bed. I just really wanted to sleep. I was like, "Okay, whatever." Just going over to my friend's barbeque seemed hard. Leaving it also felt kind of like she wanted people to help clean up, which, you know, you do. [00:11:07] I don't know. I just felt like everyone was like, "Can you carry this and this?" And I just felt like, "I really don't know. I think I can but..." It was just a platter. (pause) It wasn't like it was physically difficult, I felt like I was going to drop them or put them in the wrong place because I'm not really paying attention or – I don't know. I just felt like I wasn't going to be able to do it right. [00:12:01]

THERAPIST: Well, I have a few thoughts.

CLIENT: The other thing that has been going on that is not really relevant but happened also and I'm trying to not deal with it, is a friend of mine – her boyfriend that lives with her raped her. He assaulted her and she wouldn't call the police to get him out of the house or get a restraining order. The thing that she decided to do during this is just Tweet a ton about being raped and what happened. And then posting long things to Facebook with graphic descriptions and to her blog and to everywhere. [00:13:08] She's been doing it for about two weeks straight so far. It's really horrible and she also is completely unstoppable on it. She worked for a rape crisis center for years. I'm like, "Jesus Christ. You know better. What are you doing?" I e-mailed her and was like, "Hey, I can't look at your online presence anymore because – Jesus Christ." Her response was like, "Oh, I hope you feel better." That isn't what's really going on, but okay.

THERAPIST: Yeah, my experience – and I'm being a little light about this – but working in any sort of counseling or mental health field does not, in any way, necessarily mean that you know better. [00:14:08] I know you know that.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It sounds like it's pretty relevant here.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. The other thing that was just horrible about her particular situation, which I felt horrible about, is that (sighs) she's someone who constantly – she's kind of a constant drama queen and is sort of always having these horrible things constantly happen to her. It's one of those cases where I really hesitate to say, "You weren't assaulted, but you have a tendency to revise history a lot." I'm sort of like – she's really crazy and has a tendency to sort of manipulate and stage the emotional tableau to get all of it to work for her. I think a part of it is [...] (inaudible at 00:15:34) but I'm also like wow, I don't want to read all the specifics and be some of what she's complaining about and part of this is where there are things that I'm like, "Did that happen like that? Were you just being crazy? What?" [00:16:02] I feel really horrible having this "yes, you're crazy." (pause)

THERAPIST: Maybe you're feeling assaulted? Happily you're not necessarily being assaulted, but I'm thinking about also your parents' visit felt like at times. I can actually imagine that's what talking about it at times felt like last week. [00:17:01] That's what it sounds like you're telling me; you felt kind of bombarded by your friend's social media presence.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And that the dissociativeness that you're having or the dissociative symptom, those sorts of things tend to go along with [the job.] (ph?)

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: I wonder if part of why you forgot and [what I thought of in the first place is that it felt like you'd been assaulted.] (ph?) [00:18:05]

CLIENT: It really has.

THERAPIST: I think you're also worried that what I said about it would feel so [...] (inaudible at 00:18:13) reasonable or on target, in some sense, that it would kind of feel like a hit.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think part of the bazillion things that are difficult is that... (sighs)

THERAPIST: I'm sorry. What?

CLIENT: My friend's name is Maeve (ph?). That's just the name she uses. Some of the things she describes and talks about remind me of my relationship. I get sort of mixed together my own [...] (inaudible at 00:19:22) I think about it, but also with Maeve and some of what she experienced. Also if she went to court, called the police, filed an assault report, got a restraining order, the whole shebang, which I never did, which I did do with crazy partner from college.

THERAPIST: Right. I remember that. [00:20:06]

CLIENT: There's also something for me about how (pause) publicly and graphically Maeve is sort of describing and rehashing what happened. The idea of doing that is horrifying to me. [00:21:02] (pause) I think there's also an aspect of I [...] (inaudible at 00:21:28) and I don't think I will. Not many sexual assaults, as far as I know, have ever dumped it all out there. It kind of reminds me of [...] (inaudible at 00:22:00) [00:22:03] Maeve one time spent four days live-tweeting her feelings about discovering that a friend of hers had been abusing his girlfriend; and so she had known and was close to the abuser and was having all these feelings about it. I was also going like "Why? You should not just dump this across the Internet where I'm trying to look for cat pictures." [00:22:59] Also, afterwards he kind of said, "Oh, sorry for that, everyone," but Maeve was just barreling ahead. We have all these mutual friends and I feel like right now it's really hard to avoid hearing about it or people asking about it. I really don't want to. [00:24:01] Also I've been thinking a month or so ago I think I only saw her, you know, twice in the course two weeks, like in the subway station, basically.

THERAPIST: Recently?

CLIENT: Yeah. I actually saw her today when I was in the subway. When I saw her I wasn't feeling that (sighs) I wish we were still dating. I didn't feel an emotional pull towards her and that felt really great. Like, "Yes!" not feeling that. I feel like I've tumbled backwards. Seeing her this morning I just didn't feel anything about it, which I would have rather felt something about it. I also saw one of her exes at the barbeque. An ex, Kris, had e-mailed me saying she wanted to talk to me about...

THERAPIST: This was a few months ago?

CLIENT: Yeah, and I just didn't respond. Seeing her at the barbeque was also... [00:26:01] The other part is that neither of us really acknowledged that she sent me this e-mail and I ignored it, not that either of us necessarily would have brought it up, but it just also felt weird being at a 20-person barbecue and being like "hey." Also these sort of (sighs)... There is a [...] (inaudible at 00:26:46) of why I blame myself so much when Josie and I broke up. [00:27:01] There are similar routes you both take. There are social events that we were both invited to. I'm just like, "I don't want to see you there." I was thinking about it again today – or recently – not just today. Is it not pouring rain?

THERAPIST: I think so.

CLIENT: (pause) I also don't know or remember how I stop feeling quite so dissociated and out of it after Josie. I just felt that way for a really long time. [00:28:11] (long pause) [00:29:10]

THERAPIST: I think it is. (long pause) [00:30:15] I think this is where [...] (inaudible at 00:30:28) what happened with Josie sort of fits together with – not traumatic but [...] (inaudible at 00:30:43) bad stuff that's happened at the hands of friends or your parents, in that I think that sort of [...] (inaudible at 00:31:04) described to me of going to try to get help with stuff that's upsetting you or trying to address it with people, which so often leads to your being ignored and feeling worse. [00:31:27] It makes you part of what's so terrifying is that someone is actually traumatized. I'm not saying that's what's not bad, but it's traumatizing, I think. I think you anticipate trauma and it's so terrifying, in part, because I don't think you anticipate being listened to, but rather that the person is going to shut you down or override what's happened. I'm not saying that couldn't happen, I'm just saying I think (pause) maybe it's so scary because part of why [...] (inaudible at 00:32:29) trauma. [00:32:32]

CLIENT: Yeah. I think that's part of why I've been so weird about work. Like I'm consciously [...] (inaudible at 00:32:45) talking to this friend of mine because (sighs)... It's hard because he had said, "This is unacceptable. You need to talk to this person and they need to hear this" and et cetera. I'm just like, "Well, I think that you think that will do something. I don't know that I think it will do anything." [00:33:26]

THERAPIST: Positive. And, moreover, I imagine you anticipate it could make things worse for you. I'm not saying it's going to make it worse at work, but just to put yourself out there again and to talk to somebody and get shut down, which is a lot of what's happened.

CLIENT: Yeah. It means also the intense lack of [...] (inaudible at 00:34:04) that comes from [...] or [...] is kind of like...

THERAPIST: Sorry – your what group?

CLIENT: My [...] (inaudible at 00:34:17) group. We put together a calendar, a photograph. [00:34:23] I'm the only woman of color in there . Guess which photo is me? Part of my face is in it, but also there's kind of no one else it could be. Not really, but yeah. (sighs) (pause) I went to Cambridge because I wanted anonymity. I wanted to be in an anonymous student.

THERAPIST: Right. In contrast to where you grew up.

CLIENT: Yeah. What it feels about Cambridge is that no one would know who I was. While that's true globally on the scale of Cambridge, it's like okay, so there is the ten black employees in the library or whatever. I wonder which one complained about something? It's not anonymous. It's not in any way. It's just... (pause) [00:36:00] I guess I feel anything I say, if I get someone to listen to me, it feels very much like a nuclear option, in that it's going to be really obvious who complained. If one of the reference librarians complains about [sex with them after work] {ph?] – there's a bunch of them; but there are not a bunch of librarians doing IT, nor are there many people of color doing IT or being in the library, so it's just like "hey." I really don't want to be the focus like that. [00:36:58] (long pause) [00:37:53] I've also been thinking that I also don't really want to run down my work problems [...] (inaudible at 00:38:06).

THERAPIST: Is that what you mean by "run down?"

CLIENT: I don't like the idea of sort of sitting down and being like, "This is a timeline of events that were problematic," or "Here are a list of things that have happened that were discriminatory" or whatever. I just don't want to go through remembering it all, writing it down again. It's like you should be keeping a record of whatever is happening. [00:39:03] Yeah, I understand that generally speaking, but I don't really feel like being like "today I was ignored at work" two days later. It's a lot. It's mostly going on about that stuff; there's just so much of it. When I try to talk about it to other people it's like, "Well, did you talk to your manager? Did you talk to HR?" "Yes, that went nowhere." And then they're like, "But surely if you explain it to HR, they would have done something." [00:40:04] Then they'll be like, "Well, you should be able to sue for racial discrimination." I'm like, "No. How would I prove that?" Also I have zero interest in that.

THERAPIST: The way you're describing it is (pause) [...] (inaudible at 00:40:41).

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess it's really just not that easy just wandering to whatever until I make an appointment to talk to someone about what's going on. [00:41:10] (pause)

THERAPIST: Except for you feeling better. Is it actually going to make you feel safer and better about stuff that happened rather than more exposed and probably more under attack?

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) It also frustrates me that sometimes I think, "Okay, what would improve this? What would be something that would make me feel better?" [00:42:08] On the one hand, what I want is kind of tiny, like for someone to be like "that really sucks," and then go on from there but... (pause) I guess the amount of time and effort I would put into trying to approach that is insane and, at this point, those people are aware that I have a lot of things to say and have a lot of opinions on [...] (inaudible at 00:43:08) technology. [00:43:08]They don't understand why I'm uninterested in getting on a task force or a committee. I get very defensive. It's kind of like, "Well, this is totally different." Uh-huh. I guess I don't see any reason why someone would go to any effort to sort of be like, "No, it's going to be different because you would actually say ‘this is going to be different because we're doing X, Y and Z.'" [00:44:00] Or even like, "Oh, yeah. I agree with what you were saying about that."

THERAPIST: Yeah, the way you describe it, people acting sort of – not everybody, but nearly everybody – puts you on the defensive, almost immediately in a way from what you're upset about to [...] (inaudible at 00:44:24).

CLIENT: And also I feel there is just why there is somehow...

THERAPIST: The system is [...] (inaudible at 00:44:37) than that because you haven't been well treated. You haven't tried something or haven't done something correctly.

CLIENT: They're like, "Well, if you just try harder." No. I don't know what the trying harder would be that people are expecting. [00:45:00] I feel like I've done a lot and I'm also like, "Look, I would like to just sit on my butt in this office and just do the bare minimum and finish." I feel like if other people just do nothing all day, why can't I? [...] (inaudible at 00:45:39) Seriously, I don't see why I should expend more or ostentatiously show that I am expending more effort.

THERAPIST: We should stop for now. I will see you tomorrow.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Take care. Bye.

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