TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So the job search continues. More contacts. More requests for resumes. More, like, possibilities.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Yeah. Looking to finishing my degree online, in case this keeps going.

THERAPIST: Oh. CLIENT: And get that final math credit, or whatever it is they want so I can actually (inaudible 00:26) have the bachelor's.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that's a good idea. I guess, what would you do you know what you'd need at this point?

CLIENT: (inaudible 00:35) for online stuff. You (ph) took a few courses, finished the degree, and probably took (ph) a few courses too.

THERAPIST: And then that will do it, you think?

CLIENT: Yeah, it's all online. Yeah, it's stupid though. It's fucking stupid.

THERAPIST: What's that?

CLIENT: Well, it's not like I didn't get all the information I learned in college, you know, because I skipped a math class at the end. It's not like all that knowledge is waiting for me in some bucket (inaudible 01:03) pull over my head until the final day. Bullshit.

THERAPIST: Yeah. That is how it's kind of yeah, it is kind of -

CLIENT: So that's what you have to do. You deal with stupid people, you know, which is most of the world apparently (ph).

THERAPIST: It's all or nothing.

CLIENT: And I talked to a friend about voice acting stuff. He does voice acting. He was like, "Yeah, you get the reel together." He said, "You can do a reel." And then he talked to me more about passing it around and how to talk to people about (ph) getting voiceover work. (inaudible 01:32)

THERAPIST: Would you like to act again, do you think?

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, that'd be fun (inaudible 01:36) the acting element of it, you know. But I got for stage, not film, so I would have to do that instead. Which is fine, but Providence Theater is considered the worst in the country.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Yeah. Of all the metropolitan areas, Providence's considered the worst. Just absolute shit out here. Not good. (Laughter)

THERAPIST: Yeah. Is it because everybody wants to if it's too close to Chicago -

CLIENT: Because everyone else is in Chicago, yeah. Everyone who's any good is in Chicago. And they're only there because you're going to make it in Chicago or you don't want to go to Chicago, you know. In Chicago, you're not getting the real practice with a real director and other real actors. You're just kind of second-stringing it, you know. But voiceover would be interesting. I could do voiceover.

THERAPIST: You ever think about doing Providence Theater though (ph)?

CLIENT: Only recently [have I thought about doing] (ph) (inaudible 02:39).

THERAPIST: Not a passion you're [really dying to jump back into] (ph).

CLIENT: I mean, no. I'd fucking love to do acting again. You crazy? That'd (ph) be amazing.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: It's been over ten years now, you know (inaudible 02:54) anymore. Those are for younger men, you know. Those are, like, long lost kids in their early 20s do. I'm in my 30s, you know. I've got to do other stuff now. I can still get away with (inaudible 03:08) but, like, you know...

THERAPIST: What else did you do?

CLIENT: I did "The Fan." I suppose I could still do "The Fan."

THERAPIST: The Fan?

CLIENT: It's Eric Bogosian. Eric Bogosian...

THERAPIST: Yeah, I know him (ph).

CLIENT: (inaudible 03:24) a bunch of monologues, and one of his monologues is "The Fan." And it's a monologue about some guy who approaches him after a show. And it's this really fun, like, high intensity. Like, it [hits the bill] (ph) where you start out as a very sort of, like, "Hey, you know, I'm just really excited to see you. It's cool. Like, aw, I'm so nervous because you're here" sort of thing, to this slow revelation of a true psychosis, you know, underneath this fan, you know, and his (ph) real delusional state. And there's this pressing need to assert himself into Eric's life, you know, and just -

THERAPIST: (Crosstalk 04:00)

CLIENT: (inaudible 04:01) it's just a two-minute thing.

THERAPIST: It's from a play he wrote?

CLIENT: It's just from a series of monologues he did. Yeah, it's written to be a monologue.

THERAPIST: That's good.

CLIENT: (inaudible 04:11) I suppose I could still do that. Yeah, that was a fun one. Yeah (inaudible 04:19) I took this acting class from this woman who worked with Willem Dafoe (inaudible 4:25). I took this acting class from Willem Dafoe [or from] (ph) this woman who worked with Willem Dafoe. And she's always talking about, like, you know, your breathing. (Laughter) And, like, honesty and breathing. And, you know, I was watching you, man. You breathe so honestly, you know. And this is (inaudible 4:46) [it was weird] (ph), you know. Just (inaudible 04:51). And I could work back into it, I'm sure. I could fall back into how that stuff works. (inaudible 04:57), you know. (inaudible 04:58) to every moment, you know. Which reality should I believe in today? All right, great. Boom, that's the one that I'm doing, you know. At the same time, I don't know how I would do with, like, going on stage again.

THERAPIST: Or a tryout. How did you find the tryouts to be in [all of that] (ph)?

CLIENT: Oh, those were a blast. I'm very good at cold reading. I'm very good at cold reading. So it always me a huge advantage, you know, over people, is that I could pick up a script and sound like I've been reading the script for because my reading comprehension is very strong, and I could just (inaudible 5:35) about. Read through it right fast (crosstalk 05:37) while I was waiting to go on stage. And then, you know, just go. Or they don't give you the script, and you're sitting on a (inaudible 05:46). You're just watching other people go, and you learn the scene as they're doing it. Like, no, you should have gone down there instead of up. And I'm like, "Yep, no. he pushed it too far though, so I need some more strength," you know. But then you get up there, you're like, "[Now I'll do it] (ph). Boom." And they're like, "Oh, my god. (inaudible 06:04) you look like two different people." Yes, people look different. They think and feel different things. So, yeah, but the one I did, the one that was really good was Josh from Uncle Bob. I can't do (ph) Josh anymore. He's a young man.

THERAPIST: What's Uncle Bob?

CLIENT: It's this really interesting (inaudible 06:24) play. It's Uncle Bob, who has finally come to term with his sexuality late in life. So he's been married to this woman for years. And he can't bring himself to leave her, so he starts having sex with guys in, like, public bathrooms until he gets AIDS. Like, with the intention of getting AIDS. And then he gets AIDS. And he's like, "I have AIDS." And so she leaves. Then his nephew, his rich nephew, you know, comes to stay with him. He's like, "What the fuck, man?" And he's rich. Rich, like, disaffected, rebellious nephew. Like, crashes Porsches for fun and that gets a new one or whatever, you know. And it was really (inaudible 07:12) always looked up to this uncle. The nephew's also, like, really define (ph) himself (inaudible 07:15) sexuality. So he's really conflicted about his uncle's new sexuality (inaudible 07:22) with the whole AIDS thing, about death. And he has this huge, self-destructive streak himself. So it's this real battle between the two of them.

THERAPIST: And you did a monologue from the nephew's -

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, it's a really good monologue too. It's really good. (inaudible 07:42) Yeah. That'd be a blast to do that again. (inaudible 07:51) handle it. Like, had (ph) I hit fame when I was younger, I don't know. Fucking crazy drug parties and sex parties.

THERAPIST: [You think so] (ph)?

CLIENT: Oh, yeah. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Once I get (ph) any sort of money coming in, in Chicago, where you can get anything you want, yeah, I'm going to be crazy, man (ph). I'd be like, "Well, sure, I'll try cocaine. Whatever. It sounds like fun. I always said I wouldn't, but since I'm here, you know."

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

CLIENT: [No heroine] (ph) because needles are terrifying, but, like, still, (inaudible 8:21) and I still want to try X, you know. Don't know how to get X safely though, you know. So (pause), yeah, [I would be] (ph) gone. (inaudible 08:39) with Ginny. I would have cheated with Ginny. Cheated on Ginny with, I don't know, whatever hotness was available, you know. That's the thing with theater, man. Like, everybody wants to get laid. There's this deep need for your ego to be sated. I mean, she'd be like, "I know you like me. You like me." (inaudible 08:58) and then just (inaudible 09:02) [all over them] (ph). My open wounds. Deeply insecure.

THERAPIST: Do you think it's the kind of people (crosstalk 09:11) theater itself?

CLIENT: I think actors are generally insane, right. And, like, that's what insane, broken people, and that's what draws us all to it, right, you know. You get so broken you're able to become someone else, you know. No, I was good. I was really good. And I had the talent to make it, certainly. It was just a matter of luck, at that point. Some subset (ph) have the talent, and then subset of that group have luck. And some subset of the group without talent also have luck, and [they get in] (ph), you know. So (inaudible 09:48) Leonardo DiCaprio. Just a fucking awful, awful actor. Pretty though. Really pretty. He (ph) was in the right place at the right time, because (inaudible 09:57). He can't. He doesn't. So, yeah. Now, he and Tobey McGuire, two of the worst actors of our generation, are in the Great Gatsby together (inaudible 10:18) done entirely for the spectacle of it (inaudible 10:27). Two of the worst actors of our generation. Tobey McGuire and Leonardo DiCaprio. Just awful, awful actors.

THERAPIST: Was Tobey McGuire a child actor too?

CLIENT: Yeah. He was Spiderman in one, two and three.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I knew that. Did he do stuff when he was even younger -

CLIENT: Yeah, he did (ph), like, the Red Baron, first the Red Baron, where he flies, like, (inaudible 10:48) plane against another (inaudible 10:50) plane, and makes the most horrific faces in (ph) concentration. (Pause) It's awful. [No, but that would probably be fun to do] (ph). I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? You know, I'm going to need to make money at some point, you know. I look at these jobs and I'm like all of these jobs (pause) (inaudible 11:22) awful (inaudible 11:23) I don't know how I'm going to get them.

THERAPIST: What are you seeing? (inaudible 11:26) ones you're thinking about?

CLIENT: Yeah. (inaudible 11:28) manager stuff. But they all need more stuff than I have, you know. And I'm like (inaudible 11:35) I'd still be coasting today. I'd still be coasting today and making a hundred thousand dollars a year and just coasting. Could have stayed at (inaudible 11:48). Coasted. Could have stayed (ph). Coasted and stressed (ph), you know. Could have changed things for the better.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you just didn't think it was going to be the good thing for you.

CLIENT: Yeah, but what the fuck does that even mean, you know? Ginny's (ph) like, "Oh, we weren't happy." I was like (inaudible 12:17)

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's hard to see that from here.

CLIENT: Yeah. So, like, I was miserable. Okay, great. But, like...

THERAPIST: Well, the other thing is you were finding stuff. You know, last time, you were finding stuff immediately.

CLIENT: Well, yeah. And now, it's been (inaudible 12:35). I've even gotten interviews and not gotten the job, which is brand new for me. Like, that doesn't happen for me, you know. (inaudible 12:44) what am I supposed to do? My friends are like, "Open a weed dispensary (ph)." I'm like (inaudible 12:56). Small business loan. Open a weed dispensary (ph). (inaudible 13:04) huge.

THERAPIST: Yeah, probably about as safe as it gets.

CLIENT: Yeah (inaudible 13:11). Give it a few more years until, like, it (ph) franchises (inaudible 13:15), you know, buy a franchise, you know. Like [Papa Toke's Toke Shack] (ph) or whatever. Whatever they call it. Yeah, to attract yeah, whatever they call it. Puff the Magic Dragon Shop. There was a story (inaudible 13:33) Puff the Magic (inaudible 13:37) dragon. It's not (inaudible 13:40). It's Puff the Magic. It's an imperative.

THERAPIST: Puff the Magic.

CLIENT: There's also a picture of a (inaudible 13:49). The two things are unrelated (inaudible 13:52).

THERAPIST: (Laughter) You're right. It's an imperative (inaudible 13:55).

CLIENT: Yeah. And it's clever. I don't know. (inaudible 14:03) voice acting work and, like, it'd be totally fun to get an acting job, you know. I'm old and fat now, you know, and I'm like (inaudible 14:16). I don't know what I would do.

THERAPIST: Old and fat, huh?

CLIENT: Old and fat. I've got this when I bend my neck back, I can feel fat behind the back of my neck.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: It's ridiculous. Yeah, all the way back, if you throw your head all the back, I'm like, oh, there is flesh there. It used to be I just went all the way back and nothing. And there's this, this business, what is this, you know? (inaudible 14:45) Disgusting. Yet this is the meat (ph) I live in.

THERAPIST: Do you find it disgusting?

CLIENT: Oh, yeah. This is (inaudible 14:56).

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Yeah. Really, deeply upsetting. [I seen] (ph) myself in the mirror and I was sickened.

THERAPIST: What does it look like to you? Is it the -

CLIENT: This (ph) ugly thing, you know, in front of me. Like, I used to be super thin, just by virtue of my fast metabolism. And now, I think these anti-depressants made me fat.

THERAPIST: Do you eat more? Do you eat more?

CLIENT: No, not really. I don't really like eating. I do it when I have to.

THERAPIST: It's still okay. It's not bad (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: [Your metabolism slowed then] (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah, it does that. I'm lucky I get to keep most of my hair though, so that's nice. (inaudible 15:49) I don't know. It's a little further back than it was -

THERAPIST: (inaudible 15:52)

CLIENT: I think so, yeah, than it was when I was, like, in my 20s. But it's all there. Yeah, so that's good. But (pause) yeah, it would be awesome to get a job on some, like, sitcom. Some, like, middle-of-the-road sitcom, you know. (inaudible 16:24) not enough people really know who you are. You play, like, one of the side characters that everyone thinks is funny. Like, "Oh, you're that guy." I'm like, "Yeah, that's me. I'm that guy. Can I go to the store now without wearing crazy stuff?" I'm pretty sure I saw John Lithgow, by the way, the other day. Pretty positive. I was like -

THERAPIST: He was here. He went to Brown.

CLIENT: Okay. Well, yeah, that was him. That's -

THERAPIST: Yeah, he was here.

CLIENT: He had, like, a (inaudible 16:49) and, like, sunglasses. I'm like, "That's John Lithgow."

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Good eye. Yeah. No, I just saw him on, like, Twitter or something. He was talking here because he graduated (inaudible 17:00).

CLIENT: There you go. That was him then.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So, yeah, (inaudible 17:11) funny. (inaudible 11:13) I'm like, "Huh." And he, like, crosses the street (inaudible 17:18).

THERAPIST: Really? Where were you?

CLIENT: Just coming off towards the Square from Central.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. That's around the avenue?

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. And between your old place and the Square.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

CLIENT: Where that crazy (ph) street comes through.

THERAPIST: The street. (Crosstalk 17:38)

CLIENT: Yeah, around there. So (inaudible 17:42). No, that would be fun, you know.

THERAPIST: Sitcom, not the lead.

CLIENT: Yeah, just some side character, you know. (inaudible 17:58) episode. You got your catch phrase. Make your serious money.

THERAPIST: When you were in Chicago, did you (crosstalk 18:11).

CLIENT: I wanted to be a stage actor.

THERAPIST: A stage actor.

CLIENT: That's what I wanted to do. I need to fix my teeth if (ph) I want to go into film. [But that's the thing] (ph). And so (inaudible 18:32). That's (ph) nice.

THERAPIST: Oh, you did?

CLIENT: (inaudible 18:36) down the street.

THERAPIST: Where is that?

CLIENT: Yeah, it's in the garage. They sell all sorts of (inaudible 18:42).

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. So probably, what, the Rochester (ph)? (inaudible 18:46)

CLIENT: Yeah, it's right by Rochester (ph). Sort of across the hall from Rochester (ph). (inaudible 18:49) in, like, the case with pot pipes that says, "Don't say stupid things in the store." (Laughter)

THERAPIST: [That's great] (ph).

CLIENT: Because they can't sell you the pipe. (inaudible 19:03) I'm sorry. That's, you know, sold (ph) (inaudible 19:06) we sell water pipes for tobacco. This is a great (inaudible 19:11) for dry tobacco. Like, "Oh, okay. Yes, I would like to try tobacco and vaporize it." Do you find it intensifies the dry tobacco? I do. I do find that. Interesting. How much dry tobacco do you usually put in there? Oh, you know, less than you think [one might] (ph). Oh, really? [Sort of high tech] (ph). The reason's because there's no smoke. It doesn't really smoke. Very little, if it does. (Crosstalk 19:49) I can smoke in the house again. I'm supposed to (inaudible 19:56) to the backyard. Well, not sneaking. Well, I don't sneak out to it. Once (ph) I'm there, I'm stealthy (ph) in the backyard, but not that my 20-something neighbors are going to mind. Or my 50-something neighbors who smoke weed, you know. Like, so, nobody's going to care.

THERAPIST: But you're a single-family house, right?

CLIENT: Yeah. A fenced-in yard, you know. (Pause) A job that would be perfect for me would be a workaround job where I can be creative and make real money doing that. That would be perfect, you know. Like...

THERAPIST: Yeah, you can't well, you had the you came somewhat close with that what was that thing that was run out of Augusta?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It sounded like that would have been perfect.

CLIENT: That would have been perfect. I don't know. I'd like to get a green card. That's what I would like to get very much.

THERAPIST: A what?

CLIENT: A medical marijuana card. I would love (inaudible 21:01) without me needing to get a fatal disease, you know. (inaudible 21:06) Sure would make my life easier. (inaudible 21:20) in the gutter. Takes the edge off the world. I was in a fucking grocery store yesterday, down in Shawls (ph), down by Porter (ph), right. (inaudible 21:32) grocery shopping. And I'm just, like, getting more and more on edge. (inaudible 21:37) okay, do I let Ginny push the cart? Do I push the cart? If I don't push the cart, people think I'm mean for letting her push the cart, right, you know?

THERAPIST: What, what do you think?

CLIENT: I don't know. (inaudible 21:49) horrible. Maybe he should push the cart. He's the man. He should be pushing the cart. You know, like, (pause) [I don't know] (ph). (inaudible 21:59) stops the cart. I'm like, well, we should be saying excuse me and moving through them, instead of just waiting for them to make a choice. (inaudible 22:07) so they don't give a shit about you. So you have to actually be like, "Hey, we're just coming through here." It's very simple. Just (ph) show some fucking initiative, you know. (inaudible 22:17) really get to me.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you do when (inaudible 22:24)? Just grin and bear it kind of thing?

CLIENT: I mean, what can you do? You just try not to, like, make fists, and like... it's just, it's awful. And so, I was like, fuck. I can't find the fucking grease shield here, you know, for my fucking frying pan. I thought they would have one. I'm starting to get, like, antsy. Ginny was like, "Well, maybe they have one at this hardware store." I'm like, "You think so?" She's like, "Yeah, they might." And she's like, "Do you want to go look at that, and I'll go through the checkout line?" And I'm like, "Actually, that would be great. Yes." (inaudible 22:59) checkout line. Got away from all of those people.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. It's a super crowded place. I don't know if it was on that day, but it was very tight.

CLIENT: It was pretty tight and crowded, yeah. I mean, but still, had I just smoked some weed before I went down there -

THERAPIST: Yeah (crosstalk 23:16).

CLIENT: Who cares? This is all fine (ph).

THERAPIST: (Crosstalk 23:19) take the edge off. But yeah -

CLIENT: It makes the world a better place. Less terrifying, most of the time.

THERAPIST: Right. Yeah, you feel it in crowds, right? I mean, if it gets more crowded, it's...

CLIENT: I don't like crowds. And there's too many people [who get rough] (ph). And you can't track them all, and that's not good.

THERAPIST: Well, not only that. I guess there's also the sense of, like, you walking through and thinking, you know, there's this kind of feeling. How are people (crosstalk 23:55)?

CLIENT: Right. And, you know, people are like, "Oh, no, but I didn't think about that (ph)." They are, absolutely. I'm thinking about them.

THERAPIST: True (ph). (Laughter)

CLIENT: Right, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, sure. People are judging each other.

CLIENT: Right. So what makes you think that? Are you not thinking about anyone right now? Are we the only people who think about (inaudible 24:15)? That's stupid, is what that is. That's a stupid thing to say. People do that all the time. Like, here's a stupid thing I said. Because if it's true, I feel better. That's so interesting.

THERAPIST: What's the feeling though about Ginny pushing it versus you pushing the cart? You feel like -

CLIENT: Gender roles. People get all pissed about gender roles. (inaudible 24:47)

THERAPIST: You'd be either too controlling or too submissive or something?

CLIENT: No (inaudible 24:55) letting her do it. Like, "Why don't you push it, bitch?"

THERAPIST: Why don't you push it.

CLIENT: You know. Like, whatever people think about me. (inaudible 25:01) because I'm a genius and they suck. But, like, I am fat and ugly. Yeah.

THERAPIST: (inaudible 25:21)

CLIENT: Well, yeah. And it's like and here's the downside, right. Because, like, I'm out now. And so, now I have to deal with the fact that I don't have (inaudible 25:31). So I have to go to this no-man's land of, like, being low, right. And so I crawl back up to flat, you know. And it's like, so what's life like on the mantle (ph)? It's fine. It's fine. Absolutely fine.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Is it (inaudible 25:58). Like, it take up the it seems like take out the hostility of the world, in a certain sense, if you're smoking. (inaudible 26:08)

CLIENT: (inaudible 26:08) shuts everything down. It lets me not pay attention (crosstalk 26:11). Lets me creative again. (Pause) (inaudible 26:30) creative again. That's nice. So that's, you know, I was hoping to make some money off creative pursuits. (Pause) Like, I want six figures a year. Do I want the fucking stress of doing that job? I don't know, man (ph). Like, (pause) I don't want to come home every day and be like, "Thank God I'm home." You know? And like, "Fuck, I have to get up and go to work again." I don't want to dread every day. Like, I don't want to do that. I don't want to go through my life dreading every day. I'd rather kill myself. That's (inaudible 27:23) this morning. I'm like, "Fuck, I'm never going to find a job. Well, I guess, I mean, technically, we can all just (inaudible 27:28)."

I'm like, that's true and that's slightly comforting, you know. And then I follow the thread and I'm like, "Yeah (inaudible 27:36). I never would because I'm too fucking weak to do it." (inaudible 27:42) trapped here in this world, those things became steadily worse, you know. Trapped in a world that became steadily worse. Lots of hot (inaudible 28:07) walking around out there too. I mean, that's nice. But it's a total challenge of not looking at them. But they're everywhere. You can't ogle or stare, but they're everywhere.

THERAPIST: What do you do? What do you do instead?

CLIENT: Discreet glances. (Laughter) You have to take in information as best you can, you know.

THERAPIST: And sunglasses (ph).

CLIENT: (inaudible 28:33) These are awful, are you kidding me? Because your head turns a little bit, even when you turn your head. These exaggerate the angle, you know.

THERAPIST: Oh, so they can tell you -

CLIENT: Yeah. It's a much more exaggerated thing. Your head turns slightly with these glasses than when -

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah, yeah. Than if you just kind of gaze (ph) over.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. No, these are for actually blocking out the sun. [For functional use] (ph).

THERAPIST: (Laughter) The intended use.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: What about the if women see it?

CLIENT: It's not polite, is it? You know. So I'm (inaudible 29:09) staring at your breasts, which are lovely, by the way. (inaudible 29:15) you're wearing that shirt intentionally, to be attractive, but not perhaps to be stared at, you know. And that seems fine. That seems fair, right? It's impolite to stare. And there's a [preface of the free society] (ph). There will be people who are very (ph) sexually attractive that you're not allowed to ogle (inaudible 29:42) public.

THERAPIST: And yet (inaudible 29:43) to look.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I think that's the balance we all strive to achieve. (inaudible 29:48) just like the sun. you don't stare directly at it. You get a glimpse and you look away, you know. (inaudible 30:02) But, yeah. So that's who I am. I'm like, well, do I (inaudible 30:18) somehow? And stay on it? Because really, that would be optimal, you know. Just stay on it.

THERAPIST: Well, yeah. I mean, I guess, like, it's (pause) yeah, I mean, the kind of the experience that you're describing, it's, like, really, like, fraught with all this tension and, like, (sighs) yeah, anxiety. Dread. Just going in to work those days at Player (ph) and [the gray] (ph).

CLIENT: (inaudible 31:07) awful. And then there's the (barking sounds) the fucking barking dogs.

THERAPIST: The barking dogs -

CLIENT: But that's all that really is, you know. It's just, like, people making noise to stave off their own fear, hoping there's someone else more afraid so they're fix your problem. That's all that is. (Pause) (inaudible 31:35) as far as I understand. (inaudible 31:39) 60 hours a week since I left.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Yeah. I was still (inaudible 31:43) I still [do it] (ph). That's what they'll be expecting (inaudible 31:47).

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah, [that's right] (ph).

CLIENT: Of course, I would have, by this point, been like, "Nope, I'm done."

THERAPIST: (inaudible 31:53)

CLIENT: Yeah. Or best case scenario, "No, I'm not working tonight." (inaudible 32:00) If you guys who get paid hourly want to work overtime tonight, more power to you. [No one's stopping you] (ph).

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: (inaudible 32:11)

THERAPIST: What was those slot (ph) they wanted you to be in?

CLIENT: General manager. That's what it was.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. (inaudible 32:26)

CLIENT: (inaudible 32:27)

THERAPIST: Weren't they going to get you didn't that guy want you to do something else -

CLIENT: Yeah, he wanted me to take over a bunch of projects. Essentially, be general manager within a few months, you know. I'm like, [I feel like] (ph) that would just be worse. [Be like] (ph), and now you're all yelling at me instead of poor (inaudible 32:44) Larry (sp?). And then what did you do? Did you then fire Larry (sp?)? Is that what happens? Does Larry (sp?) then work for me?

I just hold in this (ph) outbursts of rage, [you know, like] (ph). Even now. Even now, I've not destroyed this several times since I've been here. I've not destroyed this.

THERAPIST: Yeah, what is the urge?

CLIENT: I don't know. It's just -

THERAPIST: Just to (inaudible 33:21)

CLIENT: Actually, it's (inaudible 33:24) It's metal. How about that? I'll just dent the floor -

THERAPIST: But why don't you just, like, smash it (inaudible 33:40)

CLIENT: Inanimate objects (inaudible 33:47) (yawns) (inaudible 33:56)

THERAPIST: Well, is it just like a pent-up frustration?

CLIENT: Yeah, I guess. It's just an impulse, and I control it very well, you know. And I've never hit another person in my adult life, you know. So that's good. (Pause) I was not afraid to hit people (inaudible 34:20). It made sense. (inaudible 34:24) people got hit. That was something that happened. Dude (ph) said something you didn't like, you could hit them. [They thought] (ph) that you could hit them. This is just what I've (ph) been taught, you know. (inaudible 34:37) told that it's always okay for a mother to hit her son, you know. A woman's always allowed to hit her son.

THERAPIST: That's what you were told?

CLIENT: Yeah. But this is a man. [Women always love hitting men] (ph). So...

THERAPIST: So you have to control yourself (ph)?

CLIENT: Yeah, because I realize, like, there would be consequences, you know. And also, I was hurting people. And I was like, "Oh, that's no fun," you know. And then, it wasn't until, like, later in high school (inaudible 35:12) other kids. The other kid was, like, fucking around (inaudible 35:17) and saying some shit. So I was like (inaudible 35:19) and I slammed him, you know. Punched him in the solar plexus. So first he collapses, unable to breathe. And I'm like, "Oh, fuck. Like, I have just hurt this person." And so, I'm like, you know, helping him get through. I'm, like, helping him (inaudible 35:35) attempts to breathe, so his diaphragm can get back in rhythm. (inaudible 35:40) fuck.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: What is wrong? You know, a lot of kids (inaudible 35:53) chase him down, grab his arm, (inaudible 35:56), you know. Be like, "What was that all about?" Dude actually foots (ph) me in the eye with, like, this Styrofoam (inaudible 36:05) slammed me against the wall, you know. And he was terrified. He's bigger than you, but he has a death grip on his throat and he can't breathe very well, so he slammed you against the wall. And then dude looks angry. He's not accustomed to violence, so he didn't know how to respond to it.

THERAPIST: And your mom spoke with violence. She communicated in violence.

CLIENT: Yeah, sure. Totally. So I was very comfortable with those words, you know, with that vocabulary (inaudible 36:36), you know.

THERAPIST: Were there any other words (ph)? I mean, Jesus (inaudible 36:42).

CLIENT: Yeah. There was yelling and there was hitting. Those were the two best ways to...

THERAPIST: She had no control over her mind. She didn't kind of go, "Hey, I'm scared of this or nervous about that." You know, own (ph) her experience in any kind of way.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And then which is exactly what you're trying to do here. I mean, talking about the hell it is to be unemployed right now and be scared. Be scared of what's going to happen to you. Among other things.

CLIENT: Yeah. Also, how do I just deal? How do I just get through?

THERAPIST: How do you get through, like, the (inaudible 37:27) of a workday that you find you know?

CLIENT: Yeah, where am I going to go? Like, nobody's going to work with me anymore. [It's like, I've worked] (ph) at three different places and left all three of them. It's the mark of a stupid person. But each place was (inaudible 37:50) for different reasons, you know. And could I have gotten through that, maybe? I don't know. I'm not probably psychologically equipped to get through that shit. That's probably my greatest failing, my inability to deal.

THERAPIST: I think in a I mean, I'll say, I know it's easy for me to see (ph) from here, but you seem to be doing that because you were looking for the right kind of place that, you know, you haven't been able to find, but you are looking for. That place, you know. Player (ph) was, and (inaudible 38:35) certainly, you know. You were too senior to be treated that way. You kind of went on with the intention of, like, "Hey, this is a trial basis. We'll see how it goes." You knew it didn't work.

CLIENT: Employers (ph) sucked.

THERAPIST: Employers (ph) sucked, and they wanted you to (laughter) they obviously liked you. They wanted to promote you.

CLIENT: To a shitty position.

THERAPIST: To a shitty position. It's a position you didn't want to take. It wasn't right for you.

CLIENT: Yeah. [I just didn't like it] (ph) anymore. So I have to find something I can do, I can keep doing. Keep looking till I find something. In the meantime, maybe one of my creative projects will yield (ph) something. I'm coming along poorly because I can't stay focused on any one thing for any period of time.

THERAPIST: Yeah, what has it been like?

CLIENT: That's just the problem. My entire life, there's this issue. I cannot focus on any one thing for more than a couple of weeks at a time, you know, but (ph) I have to switch. I have to think about something else.

THERAPIST: What have you been focusing on lately?

CLIENT: Right now, fucking Gilbors (ph) 2, which is not useful at all. I'm trying to make sure to do [some of those] (ph) plays here and there. I keep that (inaudible 40:06) with Pete. And that's great and everything, but (pause) (inaudible 40:18) sit down and be able to focus on something.

THERAPIST: When you go back to either of those two projects, you know, what is -

CLIENT: I don't know how to describe it. I mean, it's just what is interesting now.

THERAPIST: It's just not (inaudible 40:33).

CLIENT: I don't even know what focus means. I don't even know what focus means, you know. It's like, I have no idea. And I did that test for ADD in college and I aced it, for ADD, all right. But that's because I knew I needed to have ADD to get readmitted to school, because I had a bad semester. And so, it's very simple (ph). You look at the test, it's like, I can make this say whatever I want it to say.

THERAPIST: What was the test? It's a written test?

CLIENT: Yeah. It's, like, in multiple choice, like...

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

CLIENT: Like, [what are you like] (ph)? And I'm like, "I guess I have wicked bad ADD. Yeah, there we go." But still, I don't know what it's like to be able to focus (inaudible 41:17).

THERAPIST: But you can focus on the thing that what are you working on now? What have you been doing?

CLIENT: Gilbors (ph) 2. It's a game. It's a fucking -

THERAPIST: But you've been able to focus while you're doing that?

CLIENT: Yeah, I can focus on the progress, you know. I can focus on a progress stimulator (inaudible 41:30). That's something I'm good at. [Mack Draft. Gilbors 2. Torch Light 2] (ph). Any of these things.

THERAPIST: Well, that's [the whole key] (ph). It's key [to having] (ph) for people that kind of keep going forward with a task just to feel some sort of progress.

CLIENT: Yeah, but it doesn't help me at all. (Crosstalk 41:48)

THERAPIST: What do you do -

CLIENT: I can't actually focus on anything in the real world for any period of time.

THERAPIST: Have you felt like you've been making progress on the other two things?

CLIENT: A little. Incremental, you know.

THERAPIST: You feeling any stuck (ph) in any way [without it] (ph)?

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, (inaudible 42:07), you know. It's like (pause) the stuff's not getting a lot of hits, you know. I'm not going to know what to do next and (inaudible 42:19), you know. [First best] (ph) are weird, right. I'm not first (ph). I'm not best (ph). I have to be weird. Don't know how to be weird, you know.

THERAPIST: Did it feel a little harder to do once you realized there wasn't making much kind of, like, dents in terms of viewership (crosstalk 42:46)?

CLIENT: (inaudible 42:48) which way do I go with this? Like, how do I proceed? You know, and you get no feedback, other than, like, maybe 30 people, you know. Most of them, you don't know, actually. How are you actually going to do anything?

THERAPIST: Yeah. See, I think you're like these Columbia kids that are used to if things that are really gifted in a lot of things. It's then (ph) hard when sometimes is really, like, you have to -

CLIENT: It's going to take its time.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's fucking ridiculous.

THERAPIST: It's a huge, like, ego blow, because you're good at everything, you know.

CLIENT: Yeah, and (inaudible 43:28) do something. That's, like but no, that's exactly the problem. Everything is always so easy. And when things aren't easy, I'm like, "What the fuck (inaudible 43:35) doing it (ph) for?"

THERAPIST: Yes. That's, like, the curse of being gifted, in some ways is that it's hard to kind of -

CLIENT: Do things which are boring and repetitious.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and require those ten thousand hours of practice or whatever (inaudible 43:50). (Laughter)

CLIENT: Yeah, you know. You're (ph) just like, "What the fuck?" But I'm too old for talent to matter now. Ten years ago, talent was great. Like, "Wow, look at this young guy. He's 26. He looks 22. He's probably 22. He's just out of college." Then (inaudible 44:13) whatever. "He looks young. He's talented. Let's pin our hopes and dreams on him." Now, it's like, "He looks younger than 36, probably, but he's old and fat. I don't care how talented he is."

How (inaudible 44:29) over ten years ago? That's what I want to know. That's what's really important. Twelve years ago, now. So, like, what were you doing 12 years ago? Before you did this job today, what were you doing 12 years ago? Because I'm a fucking idiot, and that's what I would want to know.

(Silence)

THERAPIST: I think it is a challenge for you to do how do you grind (ph) your way through when you're really stuck? I mean, it's definitely -

CLIENT: How? I don't know. It's fucking painful. It hurts. Like, boredom is painful. (inaudible 45:41) with this with that. [Or flat] (ph), you know. It's just, like, the state of a constant anguish or this generally dulling at the edge, you know. But happy. Or just flat with a dulled edge. Like, the edge is dulled, right. I can live with this or I can go over the edge. (Pause) Weed is (inaudible 46:21). It does everything I need it to do. (Pause) Immediate relief. (Pause) And it lets me focus on one project at a time.

THERAPIST: (inaudible 46:58) in that if you feel kind of bored, can you kind of -

CLIENT: Weed makes everything interesting. It makes everything interesting, you know. Anything I'm going to go do, it will make it interesting.

THERAPIST: It breeds (ph) kind of life into things.

CLIENT: Yeah. In fact, if I'm really enjoying a game and I get some weed, I stop playing that game, because I know that if I'm smoking weed and playing the game, once the weed runs out, that game will no longer be as interesting.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: Yeah. I'm like, oh, okay, so let's put that aside and do this.

THERAPIST: It will suck in contrast?

CLIENT: It can suck the life out of something for you. Like, you've seen "Half Baked"? You must have seen "Half Baked."

THERAPIST: I haven't seen the whole thing.

CLIENT: Okay. Well, that's too bad. (Laughter) If you see it, and you're not high, it's a shitty film. It's absolutely awful. But if you're high, it's really good. And there's this (inaudible 47:51).

THERAPIST: It's the Dave Chappelle, right?

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Jon Stewart has a role in it, where he's describing different smoke, because he's an enhancement smoker. And he's like, "Yeah. You've ever eaten a pizza?" Yeah. "[Have you ever eaten a pizza] (ph) on weed?" (inaudible 48:04) "Have you ever seen the back of a 20 dollar bill?" Yeah. "You ever seen it on weed?" He shows the back of a 20-dollar bill. "Look, it's a guy in the bushes. What's going to happen? We don't know." Anyway, but you know, it's, like, how pot makes everything better. And it does. It makes everything better. But then, by contrast...

THERAPIST: You come back to it [and it's dulled] (ph).

CLIENT: It's like, "Eh (ph). Now it's not interesting anymore."

THERAPIST: And you also know what it can be like.

CLIENT: Yeah. Once seen, it can never be unseen, right? That's the thing. That's the trick (ph) of it, you know. That's the trick (ph) of it. Yeah. So (inaudible 48:48) some weed. Take care of that. It's either be all or nothing, right. Literally, it's all or nothing.

THERAPIST: All or nothing ?

CLIENT: I can smoke weed or I cannot smoke weed. Each pot (ph) has ups and downs and drawbacks, you know.

THERAPIST: What is it? What, is there something in between that it's -

CLIENT: This is in between. This is in between.

THERAPIST: This is in between.

CLIENT: What I'm experiencing now (inaudible 49:18) this is not good. This is not effective. This is not productive. This is not useful. This is not employable. This is someone who is too smart. This is someone who can destroy anything it needs to destroy, right. Any sort of argument .any sort of job. Any sort of boss. Any sort of person who's like, "I oppose you." (inaudible 49:41) Like, that's not going to be a problem. (inaudible 49:46) and I'll rip it apart.

THERAPIST: Are you wanting to rip it apart?

CLIENT: (inaudible 49:52) Like, I break Christians down. Just (inaudible 49:59) logic and truth. And they cannot stop themselves from hearing it. And once they see that their God (ph) no longer exists, they can't go back to a point where they thought he did. You just take that from them, and it's gone forever. That's what this person does. (inaudible 50:19) that makes me go out there and take other people's, you know. So there's this. So there's this or there's straight out (inaudible 50:27), which is fine. But dull and lifeless and not as smart. Or there's the other, right, which is smoking weed. And then it's duller, but just as smart. Sometimes smarter, but forgetful, while [I was in] (ph) the midst of it, you know.

THERAPIST: Do you feel less destructive? Is that -

CLIENT: Oh, significantly. (inaudible 50:58) I just want everyone to be better. Easygoing. I could care less about (inaudible 51:02) other shit that I care about. I don't look around the room and see all the things that are falling apart, right. Like, I don't just see all the errors and things, you know.

THERAPIST: Because if you do, if you point them all out, it's going to wreak havoc everywhere?

CLIENT: It's not even pointing them out. They're just there, right. Like, that's the thing. (Laughter) Like, just everywhere I look, everywhere I look man, there's stuff that's incorrect, you know. There's, like, errors everywhere. Everywhere.

THERAPIST: What about seeing all the errors?

CLIENT: It's like, I don't know. It's just that's what's there. That's what's there. And you start pulling threads. It's so easy to start pulling threads, you know. And once you do, the entire thing just falls apart.

THERAPIST: (inaudible 51:50)

CLIENT: Yes, of course. It ruins everything. Of course. Because everything's already ruined. It's pointing out to people that it's ruined.

THERAPIST: That they should see the [real intent] (ph).

CLIENT: Right, because they don't. Because they can't. And then you show it to them and they're like, "Oh my god. This thing is horrible." Yeah, it is, right?

THERAPIST: Including things about themselves.

CLIENT: Well, most specifically about themselves, right. You know. Why don't you like me? Okay, here's why, you know. And then (inaudible 52:19) my fat friend, you may not.

THERAPIST: But really, what the hell do you do with this kind of energy?

CLIENT: What indeed. What indeed. You smoke weed and it goes away. That's what you do. It's like a governor on a moped. (Laughter)

THERAPIST: (inaudible 52:37) right.

CLIENT: (inaudible 52:39) It's quiet. It's quiet, as opposed to dull and silent. (inaudible 52:54) silent. So what's happening? Nothing. Nothing is happening. And this is no good. This is no good. I can't do this. [I was this guy] (ph) for years and years and years. And this guy is totally effective and wicked brilliant and shit. But, like, just cannot tolerate the world, you know.

THERAPIST: Reminds me of a quote. "A force of destruction is also a force of creativity." Sure.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's the same thing, isn't it?

THERAPIST: Yep.

CLIENT: It is simply changing the world. It's the force of change. That's what that is. It's the will behind the force of change that determines (inaudible 53:48). So Thursday, huh?

THERAPIST: Thursday. Okay. (Sighs) (inaudible 53:57) What the hell.

CLIENT: Do I have all my coins? I do. I do have all my coins. Time to go walk around (ph) the Square (inaudible 54:12) any weed. Hello, officer. Sorry. (inaudible 54:15) All right. I'll see you Thursday.

THERAPIST: Thursday.

END TRANSCRIPT