TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: (Unclear)

CLIENT: (Unclear) time slot.

THERAPIST: That Friday time slot. Friday at 9 o’clock I think it was. Most things die in that time slot. But X-files was so good that it actually made that an incredibly powerful time slot work for a while. So we’ll have to see how we do.

CLIENT: So my life is still kind of on pause, but not for much longer I think. So I’m getting ready to leave, I’m doing intentionally wasteful things just to speed up the process. Usually after you vaporize weed there’s brown remnants of it left over and you put those in a bag and you can use those for cooking or for smoking out of a pipe or whatever. And weed, of course, is an incredibly useful recyclable (unclear) matter to which I’m addicted but – still. So I’ve been rolling joints. I don’t roll joints particularly well which has been embarrassing for those smoking marijuana knows who are still alive, and my father would laugh at them because (unclear) cool. As did my friends in college. In any case, it was fat in the middle and thin on the ends and they’re supposed to be like a good old-fashioned rolled cigarette. I never rolled cigarettes well either back when I did them. (Unclear) alternatives. [0:01:33]

You buy a lot of just straight up tobacco and a bunch of rolling papers. Roll your own cigarettes was never as satisfying as all those horrible chemicals too. But so for instance, I took that bag of remnants and got totally trashed with that. But now I’m not going to like use that to roll like crappy, burn-y joints. So I won’t be able to recycle that because it’s gone now. And trying to carefully clean up every little remnant that can be smoked and used so I can smoke it and use it. With any luck I’ll actually have it today and then my life can be (unclear) pause on Tuesday and Wednesday or potentially be typical.

THERAPIST: Well, maybe, are you feeling a little bit more like we had – there is that break here. There is like the holidays and all that going on for you and you’re feeling more ready to unpause it.

CLIENT: I’m going to have to as well and I know school’s coming up and I can’t be on pause for school. And I can’t come off of pause right beforehand. Hit the ground running. I’m already mostly recovered two weeks after. I feel like a fucking magician. Six weeks after I don’t feel like a fucking (unclear). You know? Funny thing. So I saw Carla. She and I had some patter online, some miscommunications where I was out of refills and (unclear) refills and I couldn’t reach her so I was leaving messages about refills. [0:03:50]

THERAPIST: Oh yeah.

CLIENT: And we met even recently and she was like, I’ve got something you can feel better about. I was (unclear) psychotherapy and if your prescriptions have run out I’m not in the habit of tracking my patient’s prescriptions so she was like she (unclear) on me as well and (unclear) and I’m getting close to the end of my refills and she (unclear) we’ll do this together. But she prescribed me blood work and I have to find a place to get blood work and I don’t know where that is really.

THERAPIST: Do you have a primary care doctor?

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah I do. (Unclear). It’s not a very long walk from here. It’s shorter but we’ll see how my blood toxicity is doing and if it’s within a certain range like 8.6 and 1.0. It’s what they call clinical efficacy. And will be like, ‘ah, this is working.’ And if you go higher then it’s other side effects surface. If you go lower it’s not really doing anything. [0:04:27]

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And it’s like if it’s within that range she wants to bring the Lamictal down by 100 to see how I feel. And this is actually an exciting thought. Like if I could eventually get off Lamictal or like say take one pill a night instead of two, which are always a challenge – they are like the most poorly designed pill for swallowing. It’s a real pain in the ass.

THERAPIST: It’s a real pain in the ass.

CLIENT: It is. It’s stressful.

THERAPIST: Is it really?

CLIENT: Yes. Moderately so. But I have to breathe and relax my throat and just try to be aware of what’s happening, pull the pill back into the pockets in the back of your mouth and then let all that water fall down.

THERAPIST: It’s very unnatural though.

CLIENT: It’s very unnatural. I’ve known to get stuck, push it back down. Every now and then it gets stuck right about here in your trachea and it’s a real like hassle to work that free and gag. And I can’t gag, I’ve got a limited number of these pills. Yeah, but were that something that I could change.

THERAPIST: Do you notice anything else – any other side effects from Lamictal that’s unpleasant? [0:06:28]

CLIENT: No, it’s just you know, just swallowing it. You know, I’ve talked a lot about being on the Lamictal and being off (unclear) just flat you know? And I may just be (unclear) I don’t know. If I could take fewer pills, that would be a really nice.

THERAPIST: How did the other ones go down?

CLIENT: Lithium is (unclear) is a capsule.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So it wants to be smaller. It’s designed to be smaller.

THERAPIST: So the Lamictal’s a round pill?

CLIENT: No. It’s like sort of a shield. And will stick you on one side, so when it hits your tongue you have to flip it around to make sure it’s less likely to stick you in the throat. It’s absolutely ridiculous. So in any case, my life is on pause and it’s always a little worrisome and can be difficult for me and there will be decision points where I’ll try to be like ah, well this (unclear) sucks so I’ll just get back on (unclear). Yeah, have you noticed just the Klonopin attenuate, the kind of coming off or does it not matter?

THERAPIST: It doesn’t seem to affect it (unclear

CLIENT: I was reading my father’s journal and my father had the same issues. His struggle with weed was amazing, not getting anything done. I stopped smoking it. Again, I may have stopped smoking weed but I’ll smoke it again someday. You know what I mean? Like there’s no part of me that like realistically saying, ‘oh yeah, I’m done. I’m done forever.’ (Unclear). [0:09:02]

CLIENT: You know, so it happens. Once I smoke it I’m like, ‘oh my God, how will obtain some of this?’ Like I got that feeling quite a bit.

THERAPIST: Well, one of the things, too, that we’ve been talking about is that why it’s got an importance to you, I was thinking about how much it helps as kind of a bit of a buffer from some of the intensity of certain experiences.

CLIENT: To a degree but I also remember sometimes it makes me more anxious – extremely so. And I don’t really like that.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Have you told me about it? What do you know – what’s that side of it?

CLIENT: It’s like the precursor to a regular high. There’s smoking and everything’s kind of cool and then a change of environment and I’ll go back inside or somewhere else or (unclear) sit at the desk and I start to be worried. Worried about (unclear) whatever.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And I tell myself this is ridiculous. I don’t have to be worried about these things. Let’s just try to write something. (Unclear) I just spend hours staring at my computer screen. This is absolutely a waste of time. You know, there’s nothing effective about any of this. So then I come down from it – time to re-engage in the world. I re-engage in the world and I’m actually kind of hopeful for this potential position opening up this month for a design internship. Some guys I know. Design internship. It’s paid but not extremely well. But they’re small enough that there might be some flexibility. And I’m worth enough and they can’t pay enough so we might be able to work something out. I don’t work Mondays and Thursdays. They pay me by the hour so they get me real cheap. Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays (inaudible). [0:11:53]

THERAPIST: What do they need somebody for?

CLIENT: To help design elements of a game.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Which is something that I can do. I did especially well taking statistics and that’s a real world application, so, yeah. But, we’ll see. But again, there’s all these possibilities that I have put on hold, right because I’ve (unclear) my life. All these opportunities in front of me of things I can do, yet haven’t done. But one semester and I graduate.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then I can do anything, so we’ll see how that works. I’ve been writing the past few days. I’ve been writing stories about Sherlock Holmes and John Watson as children. It’s funny. Meeting in kindergarten. John and Sherlock’s parents want them to be regular children and Sherlock’s older brother (unclear) so they very quickly descend with all the backlog into emotional meltdowns by categorically listing the character flaws that they deduce from (unclear) and Sherlock has selected John who is also happy to follow along. I don’t know, it’s just a funny thing. John (unclear) for the Holmes family because Sherlock deduces that John’s mother doesn’t love him that much because his father is not his real father so that’s fostering the pretense of (unclear) and contempt and his fake father drinks and is also perfectly aware that John isn’t his son and this whole thing and so his life is awful and (unclear) and he says, actually you’re right, my life is awful but what am I to do? (Unclear). Well, maybe we’ll fake his death or something, maybe he’ll drown and nobody ever finds the body or something. And in this next chapter he’s living in the mansion and John Watson’s hiding ready with the broom handle, ready to ambush someone. And it’s Mycroft. John ambushes Mycroft, hits him in the shins and knocks him over. And this Mycroft has refused to use his name which is the name of Sherlock’s dog. And he’s also been playing a game where he essentially believes that John’s worth points (inaudible). So Sherlock’s constant seeking of risks, traps and nonlethal pranks for Mycroft’s set ups to (unclear) John somewhat by putting enough arsenic in his cereal to make him very sick but not enough to kill him and that sort of thing. [0:14:39]

So John decides he has to become a player in the game and not just the ball. And so after the strikes on Mycroft he earns his place in the house. The third chapter – they’re going into town, Sherlock and John, and Sherlock is looking for something to do, you know, because he has this talent for solving puzzles which are (unclear) for solving minor crimes. Not real crimes, but minor crimes. And so (unclear) live in this incredibly rich gated community with various manors where all the characters in the Sherlock canon also live as children and their incredibly rich parents who never show up and are always somewhere doing something. Building to a climactic scene where John is being held hostage by Jim Moriarity. And you know who Moriarity is. And it’s all very melodramatic and drawn just like (inaudible) where are all of your parents? [0:17:04]

THERAPIST: It’s funny, you know, as you’re talking about it, it’s number one, it’s just very creative and you also talk about it with a lot of confidence. You know, like you like it, you really like your work.

CLIENT: I do like it. I do like it. It’s getting better. My writing’s getting better. And in some ways by taking a break from writing I feel that most of the stuff because I want it to be better I feel like writing the Sherlock stuff is just helping.

THERAPIST: That’s what’s interesting. You will talk about it as a project with a lot of confidence and then I think something at some point will shift a little bit. And you kind of like lose that wind.

CLIENT: My father suffered from the same issue and I wonder what the fuck is wrong with us. Is it some type of psychological disorder? Is it some sort of genetic disorder? Is it some form of adult attention deficit disorder that says you can hold a focus for two weeks at which point you must change your project? And like, what is that, you know? I mean, that’s my life.

THERAPIST: I think it has something, too, to do with creativity and doing personal work, you know, it being like artists who can only do their work in studio and like they’ll have a hell of a hard time showing it. And it’s the same with music. The artist will create –

CLIENT: Well it’s true the (unclear) maybe five people. I had them on my blog and then I took them done. Because I looked at them and decided chapter one wasn’t good enough. It was like chapter two gets better. Chapter three is much better. Chapter four has some really good stuff in it. So I’m like okay, took it all down. Reworked it all. Rewrote a bunch of the first stuff. Worked in a lot of chapter four stuff interspersed throughout, moved to three and I don’t have an idea of how the book actually ends and it might even be an (unclear) by the end like at 50,000 words, you know? But I know how it ends now. I want it to end. There’s this great moment which people found really compelling of the five women who read it where, I think I told you about it, where they get in trouble and nearly get killed but (unclear) manages to beat him half to death with what turns out to be a broken arm.

THERAPIST: She had a broken arm?

CLIENT: Yeah. A broken leg, something like that. (inaudible). A short arm won’t work. She can’t pull the sword but she (unclear) beat him half to death. Then Jessica (unclear) and she vomits. Maggie gets the upper hand and she vomits in his face once they’re on the ground. But there’s one right after that where Maggie keeps going in and out of consciousness as Erin keeps trying to wake her up and keep her awake and her stutter stopped her speaking because it was strange or painful to speak. This turns out later because Erin got a broken rib during the fight. And there’s this moment where Maggie wakes up while they’re being like magically carried out by the wizard who’s with them and both of them injured, and she can hear Erin whispering if you let her die I’ll find you. I swear, I’ll find you. Which of course she’s addressing the God that Maggie is the champion of, right? This God always seems to help her when she really needs it, you know? Or when she’s really earned it. [0:20:47]

So I liked the idea of a person threatening a god, you know? And the threat of I’ll find you. And so I’m going to kill Maggie, the main character. I’m going to kill her in the end as an instrument of her God. Her God uses her, sacrifices her to achieve a goal essentially. And then the last part of the book is Erin preparing to leave, go AWOL, essentially from her post. And Bethany is trying to talk her down, wants to know what’s going on, where are you going? Erin telling her promises are important, (unclear) are important to make promises to each other. And when promises are broken there should be consequences. And as she goes to leave she says, ‘and I have a god to kill.’ And she takes off. And that’s it.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you talk about it. I like it. It’s good stuff, you know.

CLIENT: The main character is being killed, that’s fine. But it’s what it does to those they leave behind which is interesting. You know, and I don’t think that is dealt with enough. (inaudible). My quest is now motivated. Off I go.

THERAPIST: Well then I think, too, that your work like anybody on the planet is so personal to want to, you know.

CLIENT: Yeah, as Ginny says, you can’t (unclear) the one that’s based on me. And that’s interesting. And I’m worried that it’ll be seen as refrigerating her for (unclear). But the idea of death of a loved one motivating a quest is as old as Gilgamesh and that was a same sex thing. (Unclear) dies and (unclear) goes looking for the Buddhist across the river so the Buddha can bring him back alive. But of course, he fails and so all men must die.

THERAPIST: Well it’s a very thoughtful and – you thought a lot about it and you put a lot of thought into it. It’s a lot to share. But the same is true, maybe to a lesser extent, but still very real like with a vocal –

CLIENT: Yeah. All that stuff’s extremely personal. (inaudible). [0:25:45]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And you have to go through so many ads and (unclear).

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: At an audition they won’t laugh in your face unless it’s for reality TV. At an actual audition no one laughs in your face. They have no reaction. They thank you. That’s the way professionals do it. So that was never – you find out later if they want you or if they don’t want you. And you have to deal with the pain, but it is displaced. And it does not feel personal at that point because they saw a lot of people. They saw something they wanted more in someone else. And that’s an important thing to keep in mind.

THERAPIST: And listen, you put your heart into these things. These aren’t minor things to you.

CLIENT: I mean (inaudible). Yeah, and I could make a very good voice over (unclear). Yeah, I can do that. And again, like I said, within one week I could have my voice, really, in the hands of people who would be listening to it as a potential – you know, person you’d want to audition. [0:26:44]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah. And this isn’t a matter of, solely a motivational thing. It has a lot to do with, I think, the very, the psychological complexity and vulnerability of sharing something very personal that is – it could be varying degrees personal but it is always personal. Your resume is personal.

CLIENT: I suppose. Your resume’s are –

THERAPIST: You know, it’s different. It’s a lot more impersonal, but it’s a lot more you.

CLIENT: To a degree.

THERAPIST: To a degree.

CLIENT: That’s the problem with a resume. It doesn’t represent who I am.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Here’s what I’ve done. Here’s when I’ve done that. You really (unclear).

THERAPIST: Well, yeah. Open to misinterpretation.

CLIENT: Well, sure. And how do I say it? Listen guys, I am an intellectual force multiplier. Maybe not x 4, maybe only 1.5. It doesn’t matter. I will make your shit better by some factor more than anyone else would.

THERAPIST: And that is your resume. That’s your work.

CLIENT: That’s my work. I’ll refine what you have. Right?

THERAPIST: You get promoted.

CLIENT: Yeah. You’ll promote me quickly because you’ve decided you want me making better decisions or more important decisions. So that’s fine. I’m willing to do that. If you’re asking me to build a theme from nothing, I can do that too. I’m (unclear) twice. I can do it again. It’s not actually (unclear).

(Pause): [0:28:35 [0:29:02]

Yeah. So, you’re right. You’re absolutely right. It’s not just a motivational thing. You’re right, I can’t just blame the pause button. That’s an easy excuse though. To say my voice isn’t really like, ‘oh I’ve been smoking so my voice isn’t totally prepared to do a voice reel.’ (Pause) I’ll ask around to people who know. It’s like I have some smoke in my throat you know, over the past month or so. How long should I wait until I do a voice reel before my natural voice returns?

THERAPIST: Yeah, but I think part of the pause button, too, though is a reflection maybe or it might be hit because of just how much kind of gets kicked up when you are putting yourself – when you are making that leap. Yeah, I mean it’s no small thing. I mean you’ve just got to really appreciate that this is not easy for you. Really, really.

CLIENT: I suppose.

THERAPIST: Why? What do you –?

CLIENT: I don’t know. Just – it seems like – it ought to be.

THERAPIST: I ought to be. If only.

CLIENT: If only. If only I found a little bit of grass to (unclear) me through the (unclear). Yeah. [0:30:42]

THERAPIST: That’s a (unclear). Really it’s not the –

CLIENT: Yeah, well.

THERAPIST: But you started – to get back to what – it is. You feel it should be that easy.

CLIENT: I do. And I feel like I’m saying, I need to get better. That’s my constant – and that’s what I keep coming back to, that I need to get better. It is a drive, certainly. And it’s been a certain sort of drive lately. Like I’ve been looking at so much of my life now is about getting better so that I can get into a place where I can hold down a job without freaking out and being like, ‘I can’t take this crazy ass place’, you know? It would help if I didn’t have to have worked at two crazy ass places with abusive environments, but people just don’t –

THERAPIST: People just don’t what?

CLIENT: I have no idea. I started the sentence with and have no idea what the end was going to be.’

THERAPIST: People – yeah, people don’t –

CLIENT: Probably, people don’t think is probably the most common thing that comes to mind. I’m not feeling as down on the average human being as I often have been, today. I’m trying to be more understanding, is the difference because as I’m writing in the chapter I’m reading Irene Adler, you know, as a young girl. I read Adler. If none of the Sherlock Holmes –

THERAPIST: I saw some of the movies. The old ones.

CLIENT: Okay. Sure. Jeremy Brett. [0:32:52]

THERAPIST: Hound of the Baskervilles. I’ve seen a number of them actually. They’ve been on PBS.

CLIENT: Yeah. They switched to Watson after he fakes his death.

THERAPIST: Oh they’re fantastic.

CLIENT: I really liked them. Yeah, he was a very good Holmes. I’m sure Robert Downey, Jr., plays a very good Holmes in a different sort of ways as well. And the Sherlock I’m writing is my Sherlock, you know? And there is a character who is – I think of Irene Adler, how she’s in all three of the major – in all the canon-based media. She may even be in Elementary, I’m not sure.

THERAPIST: She is a character though.

CLIENT: Yeah. She’s a thief. A very clever thief though with whom Sherlock has a sort of relationship although Sherlock doesn’t have relationships. There is obviously some sort of fondness for her as he lets her get away with most things. But she is tricky, does play both sides against the middle. But he respects her cleverness to such a degree that he never really takes action against her. And some things like does he love her, or what’s really happening? But in this one we’ll meet her and she’s been stealing tricycles from the local from the local Bike and Trike in a town where everyone’s rich enough to buy –

THERAPIST: A Bike and Trike?

CLIENT: Yeah, Bike and Trike. In a town where anyone can buy anything they want because they’re all filthy rich so why is somebody stealing tricycles that nobody cares about because they can just buy more tricycles at the store. They’re not really even keeping track of how many they have anyway. (Unclear). Only Sherlock has noticed, however.

THERAPIST: A crime no one even cares is being committed except Sherlock.

CLIENT: Exactly. He just wants to solve the puzzle. So he and John stake out the place at night and catch her in the act of ripping them off of like bike chains and trying to steal this little blue tricycle. And they confront her and Watson is talking and there’s a lot of banter back and forth like, oh yeah, well I think you’re stupid. Not as stupid as I think you are. The point I was getting to is John says, ‘listen, I’m not stupid.’ And Sherlock says, ‘no, no, you’re not stupid. You’re probably even gifted. You’re stupid in comparison to us. Which is the sort of like intellectual hilarity of the entire canon of (unclear) and Sherlock. You have Mycroft as the smartest man in the world and then you have his stupid younger brother, Sherlock, who is as intelligent as Moriarity but chaotic enough if the two of them need to team up. (Unclear). Then right below Sherlock and Moriarity, Irene Adler and then John Watson who is a very intelligent human being, but he does seem slow compared to Sherlock.

THERAPIST: Yeah, right. Right. Isn’t he like a physician in the –?

CLIENT: He’s a doctor, a doctor in the canon. And I think (unclear) as well. [0:36:19]

THERAPIST: Yes, you’re right.

CLIENT: In all canons.

THERAPIST: In all the –

CLIENT: Yeah, right. In all canons. And he’s going to get into some of that stuff, but I’ve got them going back and forth and there’s a great canon where Irene’s always talking about Sherlock having a weakness and it’s his attraction to her. And so (unclear) I know you have this weakness. You’re Sherlock Holmes and you’re always solving puzzles around town and (unclear) and he says, now you’re exposed for what you are, a tricycle stealer. And she says, you won’t expose me. You have a weakness. And he says, I have no weakness. I do and I know what it is. And he’s like, what is my weakness? And she immediately kicks him in the balls as hard as she can and he drops to the ground. I explained it in much the same way as a man would explain it. And she kicks him as hard as she can and there is a moment – some moment where he thinks everything’s going to be fine, right? But then the stomach sinks out of you and imploding where you fall to the ground. And Watson’s standing there and says, ‘I’ve heard of this happening before, but I’ve actually not seen it in action.’ [0:36:44]

It looked as awful as it sounds. He immediately jumped back and covered his crotch. At which point Irene ran out of there like deep back through the (unclear) like, (unclear) suckers, jumps on the tricycle and rides away. And Watson’s like, are you okay? And he’s like, yes, I think it’s passing. And Watson says, well it looked awful. And Sherlock says, ‘yes, it was quite awful. And he helps Sherlock up and he’s like I’m really sorry you got kicked in the balls, Sherlock. And he’s like, it was quite a horrible experience. And John says, ‘well I can hardly even imagine and Sherlock kicks him in the balls as hard as he can. [0:37:55]

THERAPIST: What an imagin –

CLIENT: Exactly. And as Watson is rolling around on the ground Sherlock looks up at the sky, takes a deep breath and is like, ‘shared experiences, John. We’re bonding. Right, now, at this very moment are relationship is getting stronger.’ (Laughs) Anyway, it’s sort of a funny, borderline sociopathic chuckle.

THERAPIST: Because there’s something in it that wants not just to bond with Watson but wants to – lots of kick ‘em in the balls stuff.

CLIENT: Well, there’s a wonderful moment when Jeremy Brett really captured a lot of the maniacal slightly insane parts of Sherlock Holmes. Whimsical, you know -

THERAPIST: Which one was he?

CLIENT: Jeremy Brett. He was the one you saw (unclear) of.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: He’s very good. There’s this one episode called the Blue Carbuncle. It’s a case where there’s this incredibly valuable blue diamond or carbuncle or whatever it is that over the years people have stolen and killed to get – they had to have and it’s passed from hand to hand to hand and it opens up because it has been stolen. This woman comes back and says, oh no, it’s been stolen. This man has been set up for it. But in fact, they’ve invented an excuse to hide it. (Unclear) And it comes to the attention that this man is like oh I found the (unclear) you were looking for. (Unclear) has the blue carbuncle and oh, wow, it’s a beautiful stone. And Watson says yes, they’ve put out a reward for a thousand pounds. Wow, a thousand pounds. Yes, indeed. He offers this guy (unclear). The man has the stone, this like priceless stone the people have like stolen and killed for and all of a sudden he’s like, well what are you going to do with it? I shall keep it in my museum. And he throws it in this drawer in which there’s a picture of Irene Adler. And there’s morphine and (unclear) heroin, a (unclear) pump and a shot and that sort of thing. He closes the drawer.

THERAPIST: He’s just got that side to him.

CLIENT: Yes, he’s like keeping it, not solving the crime.

THERAPIST: (Laughs)

CLIENT: Like nobody deserves this. I’m keeping it. It doesn’t really belong to anybody anymore does it? [0:40:47]

THERAPIST: Into his drawer it goes. That’s sounds familiar.

CLIENT: Brilliant – it’s a brilliant episode.

THERAPIST: The one I remember the best is the one with the human chess board and he somehow solves something – it just sticks out in my mind.

CLIENT: Interesting. I haven’t seen that one. I’m sure Ginny has. She’s seen them all. She has them all on DVD. (Unclear). Yeah, I had the completed works at one point. (Unclear) that whole set of books was destroyed. It’s too bad.

THERAPIST: They were destroyed?

CLIENT: Yeah, when I moved to college I left some books at the house. And they just threw them all in garbage bags and chucked them into the attic and (unclear) and threw boxes on top of that so a lot of them are cracked in half. Hardcover books, right?

THERAPIST: Are you serious?

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, it was like, what the fuck, man? So, anyway. So I’m writing and I’m hoping this next book will be better enough to – because I look at my writing and I say, okay this one will be better, this is considerably better. And I’m posting now on this site, an archive of our own, where people run fan fiction and will comment on stuff sometimes.

THERAPIST: Give you feedback.

CLIENT: Yeah. Likes and so forth. And hopefully we’ll get more feedback other than just, ‘oh, I really like this.’

THERAPIST: To see what people really feel about it?

CLIENT: Yeah. Ginny read (unclear) and pretty much laughed throughout the thing. And I’m like, well, yeah, it’s funny. It’s a dry sort of humor, you know? I understand my characters well and I understand how they work in my universe as well. (Pause) [0:42:44]

I haven’t read (unclear) in the final fight with Moriarity. (Unclear). While Sherlock rescues John.

(Pause): [0:42:56 0:43:10]

CLIENT: So that’ll be fun to write. We’ll see. Like I said, I have my process of writing. Which is I start typing and after two minutes if nothing good is coming out I just scrap it. So with (unclear) I said, ‘fuck it,’ and I started at the end. I started exactly like Irene’s foot swung up hard and fast right at Sherlock’s crotch. Like, wham. He started off being kicked in the balls and (unclear). But type, type, type, type, type.

THERAPIST: It’s almost like writing backwards, almost?

CLIENT: Yeah. Here’s how the ending is. Let’s see where the beginning is. So right now I’m done. It’s like story, story, story, then middle of story, and the rest of the story. It’s a point A to point B. Oh and the thing that could work in, Sherlock’s flower patch kids. They know he’s always got candy on him in his pockets and he’s chomping that for a sugar high. This (unclear) canon. Sherlock loves his drugs.

THERAPIST: Loves it.

CLIENT: Heroin and cocaine. Big time.

THERAPIST: It’s not just a pipe then.

CLIENT: Not just a pipe. Wow that would mean just tobacco.

THERAPIST: But you smoked.

CLIENT: Oh God yes. I smoked for the first year at least. I quit a little over three years ago.

THERAPIST: What kind of cigarettes?

CLIENT: Marks mostly, or Camels.

THERAPIST: Reds?

CLIENT: No, no, no. Lights. Marlboro Lights and Camel Lights. Red is what I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to be less self-destructive.

THERAPIST: Camel with filters.

CLIENT: Yeah. With filters. I tried to do it off filters but I was younger and it was like smoking – I’ve got tobacco in my mouth. What the fuck is this about – this is stupid. I went through a lot of cigarettes too. Man, you’re not going to get Light cancer. It’s like, just fucking buy the reds. That’s a good point. But I felt that Camel Lights taste better.

THERAPIST: And you’re (unclear) tricks here.

CLIENT: Yeah. (Unclear). There’s no smell.

THERAPIST: You actually deaden your sinus receptors. And taste. You’ve actually quit smoking?

CLIENT: I’ve done it twice now. The first time for almost three years and now over a few years. After a few weeks you can smell again. And it’s amazing. The senses that come back to you – you’re like wow! I had forgotten what it was like to smell so clearly. It’s like (unclear) after you’ve stopped smoking pot, after a few weeks you feel like a super hero. Because you know where your keys are. If I can find my pants I have my keys. That is rule number one. I have many rule number ones. But one of them is that –

THERAPIST: They’re all tied.

CLIENT: Yes, if I’m wearing pants I have my keys.

THERAPIST: You’ll have your keys connected with the act of –

CLIENT: Yeah, and I double check as well. I haven’t fallen behind in my (inaudible). The glass of the phone is against my skin so my keys touch the back case and there’s no chance of scratching it. I made the mistake with my first cell phone not to (unclear) if my jeans were tight. I sat down and my keys chipped part of the screen. [0:47:06]

THERAPIST: So you’ve got a system in place.

CLIENT: A system. Yeah. Yeah. Well, front pocket is much harder to pickpocket. Never sure (unclear) in the back pocket. It just seems like someone please take this from me. I don’t want it anymore. It’s really just too much bother, thank you.

THERAPIST: And it seems like too, they would be easier to fall out.

CLIENT: It’s just so foolish. But is (unclear) more charitable. But it’s difficult though, which I haven’t explained in years which is the principle part of charity in competitive games which is that you just always make the assumption that your opponent is making the (unclear) move. That what they’re doing they’re doing because they have a plan. So try to respond to what that (unclear) move should be. The good news is, as long as you do this, if they’re not making an (unclear) move, you’ll punish them for doing so, right? You’ve planned the (unclear) move, you’ll punish them. So (inaudible) opponents. He doesn’t make the move. He’s like, I could have sworn you would have done this. It’s like if I did this, I did this more greatly. He has a hard time predicting what I’m going to do. [0:48:05]

Whereas, and this is the theme I’ve been talking about, the thing I’ve been working on, not doing anything, the games I show my hand too often, people are too quick with, oh my God, Luke’s going to destroy us. Quickly, we must (unclear).

THERAPIST: Who’s Luke?

CLIENT: Well, that’s you. (inaudible) is currently winning the game and (unclear) must be done. You’re just trying to say this to distract him from me. That is certainly what’s part of what’s going on. And yes, I have this vast army. You should be aware of what Eugene’s set up a few (unclear) from now.

THERAPIST: (Laughs) Right.

CLIENT: You know, it’s going to destroy you. You think right now you’re actually winning but you’re just setting Eugene up for the win and he knows that. He’s knows that. And that’s why he’s giggling right now. He’s going hee, hee, hee. He knows that. I tried to explain that to Charles in a heated angry time and Earl’s like I have (unclear) doing it and I’m like, ‘no, you think you’re playing (unclear) and Eugene has used you to win. He used you to win. And Eugene will use that. Eugene will use all available resources.

THERAPIST: It is very similar in terms of anything about Sherlock Holmes and always wanting a worthy adversary.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Disappointed with foolishness.

CLIENT: Yeah, Eugene and I can compete.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: All games come down to Eugene and I.

THERAPIST: Eugene and Moriarity.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah, so Thursday then.

CLIENT: Thursday.

THERAPIST: Thursday, regular time.

CLIENT: Regular time. You know to save that time, save that channel. If you’re I the age range. It’s so hard to explain to a kid in college what Voltron was.

THERAPIST: When you were in college? Yeah, that wouldn’t compute. That wouldn’t exist anywhere on broadcast.

CLIENT: He was shocked that the Power Ranger ripped off Voltron. I had to go further back to explain that.

THERAPIST: Alright. I’ll see you Thursday.

END TRANSCRIPT