TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Very, very different time in my life. When I was a teenager and a little younger I would steal books. And Playboys. Because it was easy. Really easy. And of course I wanted Playboys.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:00:14)

CLIENT: And I couldn’t buy them. (inaudible) I can’t legally buy this but I still want it.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Although the little the Brown Book Stand on the corner near the [coop]?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:00:28) open-air magazine rack?

THERAPIST: Yeah the one that’s by the (inaudible). Right.

CLIENT: Right across from the Curious George store. Yeah. (inaudible at 0:00:39) That was where I bought my first Playboy ever.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Yeah I was sixteen. I was in model U.N. which is out at Brown. And so a bunch of us were all out here dressed in suits and what not. And I walked up to the guy and said, “Can I buy a Playboy please?” He looks at me, turns around, grabs one real quick, throws it in a paper bag. [0:01:02]

There you go. (inaudible) Thank you. And I was like; “It was that easy!” But at other times I would steal them. And I would steal books. Library books. And I’d tell myself, “Well knowledge should be free.” So I’d steal the next book. Really I was in manic phases. I was doing things that were risky.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Now I recognize it as that.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Not Kmart. No I guess it was a Kmart. There was a Kmart that was going out of business. And it was going out of business hard. And so it was selling everything in the store as cheaply as possible. (inaudible at 0:01:37) store twice and already stolen like a bunch of stuff. (inaudible) “Do you want to come back and steal more stuff?” So I’m like, “Yeah sure! Let’s go!” So we just grabbed a whole bunch of stuff.

People were running out of bags so we just picked up stuff and walked past the line of people at registers and walked directly out of the store with as much stuff as we wanted. And it was all crap. Like whatever was leftover from – an expandable line hamper. It was just the exercise of doing. [0:02:10]

THERAPIST: The fun. The thrill.

CLIENT: Not even thrill. I guess –

THERAPIST: What was it?

CLIENT: The contempt I suppose sort of for the rest of everyone. Like “Do you see how easy this is?” So people say, “Well if you walk with confidence you can (inaudible at 0:02:29)” That’s true actually. If you walk with confidence and purpose as if you’re going somewhere people just assume you know what you’re doing. (inaudible at 0:02:37) “He couldn’t have stolen that. He’s not running or looking furtive.”

THERAPIST: So sort of contempt for how it was easy to pull one over.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And they weren’t paying attention.

CLIENT: Yeah. (inaudible at 0:02:47) Same thing with – there was other (inaudible) too. They were selling plants outside. (inaudible at 0:02:54) or something. (inaudible) come out. And there were people around and I’m like, “Oh do you guys have the receipt?” And they’re like, “Yeah.” And I’m like, “Oh great good. So no one will think we’re stealing this.” And pick up the plant and just walk off. (inaudible) though. [0:03:13]

THERAPIST: Yeah how are you doing?

CLIENT: Well you know I wake up early now which is weird. So I wrote a story yesterday which made Ginny very upset. (inaudible at 0:03:40) for right now. It got popular very quickly. And (inaudible at 0:03:52) for real this time. But I’m mournful. I write under the name Mournful. (inaudible at 0:03:58) But it’s funny. It’s a little thousand-word thing. And people really liked it. One hundred and forty five people. It’s not a lot but for our (inaudible) it’s actually pretty reasonable. Do you go to the show at all? The (inaudible) one? [0:04:26]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah I saw the first season.

CLIENT: Oh you saw the first.

THERAPIST: Of the Sherlock. Yeah I saw the first. What was it like three – it was like three shows?

CLIENT: Yeah. And I finished the third season just recently.

THERAPIST: It’s like three shows a season or something like that isn’t it.

CLIENT: Yeah. (inaudible at 0:04:43) British (inaudible). But I wrote a very short story (inaudible at 0:04:48). Just a one thousand – one page really. About Sherlock and a suicide note.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And the process of committing suicide and the whole thing. It made Ginny very upset. And she cried about it for awhile. And I talked to her about it. [0:05:05]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But she was very upset about the fact that I may kill myself someday. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: She’s like, “Because I would be so angry at you.” She’s like, “I don’t want to be angry at you.” And I mean yeah I keep trying to like put across that she doesn’t get – I’m like, “Suicide is a personal – I’m not doing it to you.”

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Suicide happens to people. Right, like –

THERAPIST: I think you’re trying convey something. And maybe what’s important isn’t that she take personally but more try to understand.

CLIENT: Understand. She never does. She doesn’t understand suicide.

THERAPIST: It’s very hard for spouses.

CLIENT: I imagine.

THERAPIST: It really is. Unless they’ve been in it themselves.

CLIENT: Which she never has.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean she was depressed for awhile last year. But I was like; “Yeah you were depressed. And I looked at it and I saw it. This is what normal people are like when they get depressed.” Like it’s natural. [0:06:08]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: Like I thought –

THERAPIST: And in some ways for you I think – I think you’re trying to open up little bit for her into where that is without freaking her out. You’ve been trying to kind of walk that line a bit.

CLIENT: It’s important to talk about.

THERAPIST: Yes it is.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:06:37) “Ginny there is no one I can fucking talk to.”

THERAPIST: Yes. That’s right.

CLIENT: I spend 75% of my life completely alone.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And when you come home it’s weird that someone else is in the house. So I don’t know what to do.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: And it’s like so I avoid you sometimes. I go in my room. I don’t know what to do with you here. You know? And –

THERAPIST: Yeah. The other thing I was thinking as we were talking just yesterday briefly – I’ve done this for people –. Is that if you ever wanted Ginny to come in and for me to help her understand a little bit more of what she could do to be helpful when you are in those moments I’d be happy to do it. If you ever felt like you wanted that it can be very helpful. It’s been helpful for people. [0:07:32]

CLIENT: I’ll consider it. I’d rather keep her out of this.

THERAPIST: Sure. Sure.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:07:39) today too honestly. (inaudible) first day off (inaudible at 0:07:42). And so that’s to be expected. I go down. And I’m still not totally up today. I’m (inaudible at 0:07:50) angry today. I did a couple of quick strikes to the bathroom door because it wouldn’t latch properly. Just with a palm hand not with the elbows which would have shattered the doors. Because they’re not very good doors. They’re 1950s doors. (inaudible) So this is short so I can read it if you don’t mind. So you can get a sense of what I was (inaudible) [0:08:19]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean (inaudible at 0:08:22) Sherlock canon at all. Like the basic stories of Sherlock?

THERAPIST: Some of them, yeah. It’s been awhile.

CLIENT: The major high points of Sherlock, right? (inaudible at 0:08:31) John Watson is his doctor and best friend. His “tiger” as he calls him. Moriarti is arch nemesis. And when Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was sick of writing Sherlock, he had Sherlock and Moriarti fight to the death. And mutually assured destruction. (inaudible at 0:08:51) And but then people were like, “What the fuck? We want more Sherlock.”

So two years later he’s like, “Fine.” And he started writing more Sherlock stories. (inaudible) Sherlock said, “Yes I faked my death. And I was gone for two years because my brother (inaudible at 0:09:08) was helping me dismantle Moriarti’s web of crime across the globe. And sorry I lied to John, my best friend.” John takes it very well. Then during that time, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle decided John would get married to a woman named Mary. [0:09:24]

And after three stories with her it, he was like, “This is not working.” So he kills her. And has John move back in with Sherlock. But those are some of the major things is that Sherlock fakes his death. It takes a very emotional toll on John. And John does get married to a woman named Mary. And at this point in the story their life has really become their life. They’re going to have a baby. His life is separating from Sherlock’s. And Sherlock’s – and so that’s where I come in in modern day Sherlock. [0:10:13]

It’s called, “For Real This Time”. Written by Mournful. Sherlock has a gun in his mouth and his thumb on the trigger. It’s a shotgun because his research has determined this is the best tool for the job. Ninety nine point five percent chance of success. On a scale from one to one hundred, shot gun to the head only ranks a five on the (inaudible at 0:10:35) scale. It’s an older gun. It hasn’t seen much use but he’s checked action and he’s confident it will fire.

The shells he’s purchased are the perfect choice for the job. He considered pellets. But even buckshot might not have enough momentum to blow straight through his skull and take out the medulla oblongata. That of course is the most important bit. Otherwise there is a zero point five percent chance he’ll survive. He can’t imagine a worse hell than that. To attempt to shuffle off the mortal coil and find yourself stuck all the same. Except now you’re too incapacitated to finish the job properly. Trapped forever in (inaudible) his mind inhabits. [0:11:06]

So as to be sure he’s purchased slugs instead of shot. One large piece of lead to fly through the back of mouth through his brain stem, out the other side of his skull and then on to the ceiling. Perhaps even the attic. He doesn’t (inaudible at 0:11:19) to be there. Not that it would matter if this works. It only matters if he survives. The thought comforts him. Nothing matters so long as this works. And it will because he’s done his research. He takes the gun metal in his mouth. He’s beginning to salivate because his mouth is mostly open. He doesn’t want the drool stains on the carpet but he’s not quite ready. He thinks to himself that he could have planned these steps better but it’s a lie.

For weeks now he’s been planning this. In the times of fear. Even hesitation but he knows he’s one of those rare individuals who can defeat his own will to survive. One of the few with the strength to plan this and carry it out. He would chuckle were it not for the shotgun barrel in his mouth. The great Sherlock Holmes, already singled out for his intelligence, found himself a member of a slightly less exclusive club. Those who could do it. Those for even a moment could overcome that deep-seated will to live. [0:12:10]

Sherlock had always heard of those who committed suicide as weak or cowardly. It was for the people who would say such things for whom Sherlock held the deepest contempt. Suicide, he reasoned, takes strength. Cowardice is continuing to live in a world that no longer holds anything for you. His world was empty now. There have been lies. Sincere lies but Sherlock recognized them for what they were. His complete isolation had been inevitable. John was the only person who could make him feel a connection he supposed. Mary was clever enough but they (inaudible at 0:12:42) now. At first he’d been a part of it, but as children do the baby had stolen his friends from him forever.

He worried that John would blame himself after he was done being furious with Sherlock. He found it odd that such things were even – he wouldn’t be here to suffer with John. He would feel no pain. He would feel nothing. He simply wouldn’t be. He liked that. He reached down with the other hand to grab his phone. He’d written a note – as people do – and prepared to send it to John. He’d written it in one go and certainly didn’t have time for edits now but he thought it best to check it over at least once. [0:13:15]

And the letter begins: “Dear John, What a stupid way to start a letter. A letter. Although I suppose it at least somewhat appropriate considering the “Dear John” style of letter is a holdover from the previous century when people wrote letters on paper like cavemen. Honestly. I’m sorry I was distracted. Getting back on point. This style of letter was often a way of saying, “I’m leaving you.” So I suppose this is an appropriate opening after all because I am leaving you. Leaving everyone. Everyone as it turns out but specifically you. Not to say only you but rather to say you’re the only one I’d miss if missing someone when dead were possible. Perhaps it is. I doubt it. I tell you (inaudible at 0:13:57) it will. Please feel free to be as furious with me as you like. I promise I won’t mind.

Please understand this has always been coming. It would have happened sooner had I not met you but you have a different life now. You’re moving on. So it’s time I do as well. I want to know that I’m truly sorry for all the pain that I’ve caused you over the past two years. And I hope you’ll be able to forgive me again. I imagine this will cause you yet more pain and for that I am sorry. At least for as long as I’ll be able to feel sorry. I wish you were here and to listen to me talk out loud. [0:14:32]

But if you were you’d try to stop me. And you might. This time. I’m committed to this course of action and I’m not afraid. I’ll be calling emergency services just after I hit send. So there shouldn’t be time for you to get here and see the mess I’m leaving. I’ll leave that honor to the strong. Perhaps (inaudible at 0:14:49). She’ll be so pleased. And I’m sorry John. I truly am.

I didn’t understand friendship before I met you. I do now. Which (inaudible at 0:15:00) to be clear. This is not a trick. I am taking my own life. I will not be returning. For real this time John. No more miracles. Love, S.H.” [0:15:12]

He finished reading. He hit send. Switched to the keypad and dialed 999. He put the phone on the floor and made sure to angle the barrel correctly. And forced his thumb to steady itself. This was going to take some concentration. He waited a few seconds (inaudible at 0:15:27) before the other end of the line picked up. As soon as he heard a human voice he closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.

And that’s the most popular thing on that site.

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm.

CLIENT: Even more popular than my whimsical John and Sherlock go to Kindergarten. Three chapters of which are already written.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: But that was quite a good exercise I thought.

THERAPIST: You did.

CLIENT: Well I mean sitting there thinking about killing yourself. (inaudible at 0:15:52) my favorite suicide site – allhopelost.org. I think. Which is a site maintained and started by a guy who was about to kill himself when his sister called. [0:16:02]

And was like, “Oh you (inaudible at 0:16:04) funny thing. We’d like to see you. When are you coming over?” He’s like, “I don’t know if I’m feeling up to it.” And she’s like, “Oh please. Come on. When you coming over?” So he did. And so he started the site he says, “Because when I was trying to kill myself there were no useful resources.” Everything I ever found was “You’re so special. Please don’t kill yourself. You have reasons to live. I love you.”

He was like, “No you don’t. You’re an abstract stranger. You don’t love me.” Right? You can love me in the abstract. That’s meaningless. Love in the abstract is meaningless. Love has to have its heart or else it’s simply a word we use to make ourselves feel better. So it’s my favorite site. It always makes me feel better to go there because he gives you – his goal was to give you the straight dope. And just be like “Here’s all the methods that people use. And here are the stats. And here is your survival rate. And here is the level of agony you’ll go through. And here is a paragraph on what people will find when they find your body.” [0:17:03]

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: And it’s very comforting. It’s like I’ve even read that there are exit kits that you can buy. I’ve mentioned this, right?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It’s a bag with a little strap and nitrogen so you don’t understand you’re dying.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Your body doesn’t –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And said that most people who get those don’t need to use them because they feel better just knowing it’s there. (inaudible at 0:17:32)

THERAPIST: Yeah you know one thing is that it does suggest an end. That it changes.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:17:42) You can stop. (inaudible at 0:17:45) That’s the thing I was telling Ginny. I was like; “Ginny suicide is not about people. Right?” And she keeps talking about – she’s dealt with people whose family members have killed themselves. And like the grief and the havoc. And the pain it causes. I’m like, “But that’s irrelevant.” She’s like, “Right. Because you don’t care.” I’m like, “Jesus Christ. Here’s this caring thing you’re talking about. It’s completely selfish.” [0:18:12]

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: It’s like they’re not doing this because they don’t care.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: They want the pain to stop.

THERAPIST: Yes. Yeah.

CLIENT: That’s all they want is the pain to stop. Right? It has nothing to do with you. Right? And –

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah. (inaudible at 0:18:29) yesterday you were confronted with – you were hit by a lot of .

CLIENT: Well my life is lost on me I guess. I hold to this.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So people are like “You’re not your job.” No, you are your job. That’s who you are. You are your job. Like if weren’t a psychologist tomorrow, who the fuck would you be? Well you’d still identify as a psychologist for awhile but after four years of that?

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: Who would you be?

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: Who would you be?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I’m a wannabe novelist. You know? I’m a wannabe voice actor.

THERAPIST: No I mean listen being without work for you is – and really nothing like that you’ve lost that sense of –. Yeah who you were when you were working. [0:19:18]

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. And then to think back (inaudible at 0:19:20). And look back on it (inaudible) is just constantly shrinking and shrinking and shrinking. And (inaudible at 0:19:26) other people who have left of their own volition, I’m like, “Wow! There are some people who are going to save the company.” And they’ve left. (inaudible at 0:19:35) They might be out of business in a few months. Like two months. They might be done forever.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:19:40)

CLIENT: Yeah. Because they’re almost completely out of money. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: But I’m trying to just go with the fact that that part of my life is over. And whatever suffering I may go through – but there is a part of me that’s like I could’ve helped. I could see the look on Omar and Hans’s face when their company shuts down.

To think they started it from a futon when they were students at Columbia. Right? (inaudible at 0:20:11) first meeting with investors. They had to clean up the futon so investors could sit on it. In Hans’s room. And those are good guys. You know? And I told them over and over and over again, “These are the problems. These are the problems.” [0:20:34]

When I was leaving, Hans had me come in his office. He’s like; “You’re leaving. Why are you leaving?” You and I should have been talking for years. He’s like, “We should have had a relationship.” And like I’m like, “Yeah. That’s coulda, shoulda, woulda.” So all that stuff. And he’s like; “The thing is (inaudible at 0:20:54). Why are there so many bugs?”

I’m like “That’s the stupidest fucking question I have ever heard.” Because people have asked me all the time. “Why are there so many bugs? Why are there so many bugs?” He’s like, “I don’t think it’s stupid.” I’m like, “Okay. Let me explain it to you.”

And so I broke it down for him. Like here is why there are so many bugs. And it was mind shattering for him to realize that it was his department’s fault. Like your guys. That’s why there are so many bugs. [0:21:24]

THERAPIST: Oh I see.

CLIENT: Because they’re fucking up.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Everyday. You know? I’m like “(inaudible at 0:21:33) there are too many bugs. What’s going on?” I’m like, “Would you like us to stop? We can stop at any time.” If there are too many bugs we’ll stop writing it for a week. And the game won’t load for two more weeks. So good luck with that. (Pause at 0:21:51 until 0:21:59)

THERAPIST: Yeah. (inaudible) I think too that we did help as a buffer from that. From that feeling. I was thinking that yesterday being your first day off that you get hit. The buffer is gone.

CLIENT: The buffer is gone.

THERAPIST: The buffer is gone.

CLIENT: Yeah. Like I was telling Ginny, “All the noise comes back.” [0:22:18]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? And in a few weeks I’ll be fucking amazing. On Tuesday I start a Stats class. And like –

THERAPIST: Well that’s the other part. Is that – I don’t care who you are. Even if you’re not suffering from bi-polar or mania or depression being by yourself that amount of time will be really hard on the mind.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It’s like a deprivation.

CLIENT: Well sure. (inaudible at 0:22:48) deprivation (inaudible).

THERAPIST: It is.

CLIENT: I’m on Facebook. I was on Facebook all throughout the day yesterday just starting fights. Just starting fights.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Just to get people talking. Interacting.

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: Then I’m like – my old boss, Kim, found one of my posts yesterday and went and liked it. I was like – I wasn’t expecting her to ever see anything I posted. But because you know how your feed works, right? It’s like it starts selecting people you interact and shows you their feed. [0:23:20]

THERAPIST: Oh okay.

CLIENT: That’s how Facebook filters out what you see. And you (inaudible at 0:23:28). But in any case – and a lot of women liked it. Because it started, “Fat is a boom!” And it was just about my experience in [pandamonia] (sp). I was reading an article the other day (inaudible at 0:23:50) about a man declared a (inaudible at 0:23:52). And as often happens when my long held patriarchy supported views are challenged, I’m a bit taken aback.

But then I use the powers of reason and logic and hardwired emotion of compassion to see your point. My wish was that simply declaring (inaudible at 0:24:13) and saying, “Yes therefore men and women should be equal is not enough.” You have to realize that inequality is an enormous problem which must be solved. Right? And so that’s a really good point. So I’m trying to better at this. [0:24:28]

Like for instance (inaudible at 0:24:30) the other day – my favorite game store. (inaudible at 0:24:33) My favorite game store. Not video game. Not increasingly irrelevant video game stores.

THERAPIST: That is just – Pandemonium’s just a gaming –

CLIENT: Yeah. It’s down – it’s in Central. (inaudible at 0:24:45) They do books but fewer now because who actually buys paper books?

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:24:50)

CLIENT: Yeah. Just around the corner from the Post Office.

THERAPIST: Yeah okay.

CLIENT: But – (inaudible at 0:24:57) board games? (inaudible)

THERAPIST: Oh I do know that place, yeah.

CLIENT: So (inaudible at 0:25:05). But I’m down there. And then there is just this group of dudes. Young twenty somethings talking about women and girls. (inaudible at 0:25:13) girls because they don’t understand the distinction between sixteen year old women and fifteen year old girls. But yeah. So (inaudible). [0:25:26]

I’m walking through and this one dude (inaudible at 0:25:33) discussion. “Girls are crazy because of x.” And blah, blah, blah. Totally like misogynistic, ignorant shit. (inaudible at 0:25:42) And part of me is like; “You should do something.” But I was late. I had somewhere to be. I forget where. It might have been (inaudible at 0:25:55). But I was late.

(inaudible at 0:26:02) And finally it’s like, “Yeah I fucking hate lesbians. Because they won’t sleep with you.” And as soon as I walked over to him and his circle of friends some of them started chuckling along. (inaudible at 0:26:20) nervous laughter because they know this guy is an asshole. But he’s in a room full of introverts so like no one is going to challenge him. [0:26:30]

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: So not being an introvert I just walked up. (inaudible at 0:26:34) as much disgust as I can. (inaudible) “Dude.” He tries that thing where (inaudible at 0:26:43) eye contact with me. “Don’t. Don’t do that.” Some of the people I’ve met who think they’re the scariest people in the world can’t make eye contact with me when it’s a straight out battle of wills. It’s like I grew up with a psychotic mother. I got hit all the time.

THERAPIST: You know.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:27:05)

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: It simply irritates me.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: That you would attempt to use force. So and it couldn’t hold the gaze for more than a few seconds. And then looked away. And looked down. I was like – all the other guys were like “Huh.” Great okay. I said, “So hopefully I did some good. I hopefully I made him realize he needs to think about stuff. Hopefully I gave support to those guys who wanted to say something but couldn’t.” Right? To show them that there are people who will stand up and do these things. But what I wish I had done is busted into that circle and destroyed him. [0:27:48]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Just with the power of words. I was like – I looked at him. Based on his stance, his build and his (inaudible at 0:27:55) intellect, there was no scenario in which I would not have beat him. Right? So but I was late. I’ll try to do better next time. And a lot of responses from women are like, “Don’t worry. Look you’re one of the good ones.” And like the very fact that you worry if you’re doing the right means you’re probably doing it right. But it was fun to see my old boss come in and be like, “Yeah.”

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm.

CLIENT: But that wasn’t a fighting one. I started a fighting one on ad blockers. And quitting ad blockers. And using ad blockers to theft. Which some people really don’t appreciate. Because they want to use their ad blockers.

THERAPIST: Oh I see. Yeah yeah. On the websites. (inaudible at 0:28:40)

CLIENT: So I was like fight, fight, fight.

THERAPIST: Yeah you’re looking for –

CLIENT: I’m looking for interaction. I’m looking for interaction. I want people to comment on things. Talk to me. [0:28:51]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah. You need it.

CLIENT: It’s all starting through Facebook. So another thing I wrote was, “After being unemployed long enough I still marvel at how much time people who have jobs spend on Facebook. Hint. It’s all day.” And then like twenty responses of defense by these individuals on Facebook. And I’m like; “I’m not judging it.” (inaudible at 0:29:13) “I don’t care that you do this.”

THERAPIST: Yeah. Right.

CLIENT: Like I’m just stating that it is – I once had 80 people working for me telling me that weren’t on Facebook all day. They were on Facebook all day. I said, “Guess what? That was all fine.” [0:29:29]

THERAPIST: (inaudible) there.

CLIENT: Yeah. I was a much better boss than a player in some ways.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know? My direct supervisor would be like; “You guys are on Skype a lot all day.” I was like; “Yeah we’ve got a lot to talk about.” And he was like, “But sometimes it’s just like chatter.” I’m like; “Sometimes it’s chatter. Yeah.”

THERAPIST: Like any office.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. But it’s all quiet. You don’t have to listen to it. And a lot of it is actually work communication.

THERAPIST: There is all this stuff to suggest it’s good.

CLIENT: It is good.

THERAPIST: That people’s productivity isn’t affected. In fact it can be improved by having that stuff.

CLIENT: Right. Because you fix the ass in chair syndrome. (inaudible at 0:30:11)

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: Everyone’s like, “I’m working.” No you’re not. You ran out of work to do. You’re just killing time until you get to go home. [0:30:19]

THERAPIST: Well you need some stimulation while you’re doing stuff. You need (inaudible at 0:30:23) in order to keep going.

CLIENT: Yeah. That’s what we told guys at (inaudible at 0:30:28). I was like, “Listen. You can be a smoker and take your breaks. Or you can take your Internet breaks. But you don’t get to do both.” Right. If you’re a non-smoker, take Internet breaks. If you’re a smoker, take your smoke breaks. Those are your breaks. But yeah don’t be a smoker and surfing the net because now you’re actually – now there is like a good hour and a half out of the day you’re not actually working. And I need you to be here for about eight and be productive for most of those.

I was a smoker for a lot of that time too. So you know I was like, “Yeah go on smoke breaks.” (inaudible at 0:31:09) Did I also surf the web? Yeah because I got bored. So I’m sure those smokers surf the web too. And so the other ones will surf longer. I’m like, “Whatever. We always got our shit done and on time.” There was one problem one time. And I fixed it. There was this thing called Puppy Cam. It’s a live streaming cam to like a group of puppies. You could just watch all day. And [], I.T. guy, is like “Hey man, there is a lot of bandwidth being (inaudible) down in your building.” I’m like, “Oh yeah?” [0:31:45]

He’s like, “A lot of people are streaming something.” I’m like; “I’ll fix this.” So I write a thing like, “Hey guys. I love Puppy Cam. If it were up to me I’d have a projector set up for the main hall to just (inaudible at 0:31:56) Puppy Cam on the wall and that would be it.”

THERAPIST: Like a fish tank.

CLIENT: Yeah exactly. “As it is we’re sucking up (inaudible at 0:32:03) bandwidth. So no more Puppy Cam. Forever. Sorry. Done.” And that was it. That was it. No more Puppy Cam. Some people were upset but I’m like there is a logical reason for doing this.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. When do you start back up with classes?

CLIENT: Tuesday.

THERAPIST: Tuesday. Yeah. Well yeah. You’ve been home for awhile now without much going on. I mean there is –

CLIENT: Yeah. No there is lots I have to read. [0:32:40]

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:32:44) super power in a freeze lab. I fuckin’ love (inaudible). Freezeland. Awful. Yeah. It just makes me tired. Like “Oh God.”

THERAPIST: Yeah. You know just to say one other thing. Do with it what you want but I would think that there might be some benefit just in doing something part time. Just to have some stimulation during the day.

CLIENT: Yeah. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I don’t know what the fuck that would even be.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I don’t know what that would be.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I’m not going to go work at fuckin’ Whole Foods. I’m not going run cash register.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: There is not a lot of part time work for a guy with my skill set. [0:33:36]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Which is why I need to get this fuckin’ voice reel out there. I could be making money. And someday we’ll pay the balance down and I’ll making money doing the therapy. It’ll be great. It’ll be great. (inaudible at 0:33:58)

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: Or fuck it I’ll just get a job (inaudible at 0:34:07).

THERAPIST: You know it’s not about the money to me. (inaudible at 0:34:13)

CLIENT: (inaudible) And I appreciate that. It’s about the money to me. Money is very important.

THERAPIST: But let me say I think it is much more to do with I think it’s about the stimulation for you. It’s like being out – even if it’s fifteen hours a week. It’ll help. Even if it’s not any money either. It’s more about just having something where you feel like you’re out of the house. [0:34:35]

You’re out of your head a little bit. And then you have – you also have. Listen you have a lot going on (inaudible at 0:34:41). You’ve got a Statistics class. And then you still have time to do whatever you want to do as well at home. (inaudible at 0:34:49)

CLIENT: (inaudible) to do something with it. Right? Like I’m focusing on the method of writing a book. Which instead of being like, “Aw I need to write a book.” I’m just going to write chapters until I’m done writing chapters and eventually there will be a book there.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Eventually I’ll get to the end of the book.

THERAPIST: Yeah. And just to be clear – to bring it back to the money thing. For me is that I’m really comfortable with this arrangement. I don’t – As far as I’m aware I’m not aware of any kind of press for you to pay it back soon or now. Or any urgency on my end. [0:35:25]

CLIENT: (inaudible) balance right.

THERAPIST: It is.

CLIENT: So that’s great. You’re comfortable with that. I am not racking up the balance.

THERAPIST: You are not – it seems like a deal that seems fine to me. Perfectly (inaudible at 0:35:39)

CLIENT: That’s good. As long as that works for you. As long as that works for you. So speaking of money in exchange for services so don’t take this the wrong way. But I always do this. People who are your care services for money because (inaudible at 0:35:57).

Ginny is kind of making an effort to be like; “Hey do you want to have some sex, huh? Yeah do you want to do some of that?” And I’m like – and yesterday I’m just lying there. And I’m like, “Well maybe. I’d rather be dead right now. So I’m not really feeling it.” [0:36:19]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: “I’m sorry. Because I’m always the one always complaining.” And then you’re like, “Hey let’s do this.” And I’m like; “No I’d rather lie here and hang out with my dog.” You know that something is wrong. (inaudible at 0:36:34 to 0:36:51) somehow. Where are you finding this poop? We don’t know. He must’ve buried some over the winter and now he’s like finding it.

THERAPIST: And he gets right up next to you.

CLIENT: He does. And (inaudible at 0:37:06) he gets as close as he possibly can.

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: Yeah. (inaudible at 0:37:10) as tightly up to you as he can. And this just wants to lick your hand to comfort you.

THERAPIST: You found a good one. [0:37:19]

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah I did. Half Beagle. So he’s got loyalty in his blood. And half pug so he’s (inaudible at 0:37:27) in his blood. And he was taken from his parents way too early. So he has a need to suckle. (inaudible at 0:37:38 to 0:37:44) Yeah so we gave him a new sheet. (inaudible at 0:37:45) plays and chews at it. (inaudible) what he’ll eventually do is he’ll like push it up next to you. As close as he can get to you. (inaudible at 0:37:56) close to you. And then he will get a corner of his mouth and he will suckle on that.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: Yeah. And it’s like; “You were taken away from your mom too early.”

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:38:07)

CLIENT: Because he was purchased from a pet store by Helen, which means he came from a puppy mill. Which means he was taken from his mother too early, transported by truck probably in freezing conditions and then kept in a small tiny box. Drugged most of the time. That’s why you don’t see pet stores anymore because they’re fucking evil. And but that’s why we’re sure why he’s terrified of vehicles. Of being in vehicles. It’s like a really stressful thing. I had to take him to the vet last week to get his butt expressed. Disgusting. [0:38:42]

THERAPIST: Butt expressed? What does that mean?

CLIENT: He has anal glands. Like Pugs have this problem where they can’t fully – the way their tails are up. They keep some sort of fecal matter in his glands in their butt. And will actually start scooting their butt along the carpet. That’s why. Because it’s irritating to them. And so you take the to the vet and the vet cleans them out. And it’s like $25 bucks and it’s well worth it. The vet is like – the vet is always like, “You know we can teach you how to do this at home.” And I’m like, “Nope. This is fine.”

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: And the vet – when I took him down there for his yearly. (inaudible at 0:39:21) expression one previous time, he’s like, “Yeah. Oh let’s this. And I’m going to throw in the anal gland expression for free because I figure why not.” I’m like, “Thanks. I really appreciate that. Your assistant keeps telling me I can learn to do this at home.” He’s like, “No. No. No. A butt this size. You go off like a shotgun. You don’t want any part of this.” [0:39:40]

THERAPIST: Let the professionals.

CLIENT: Yeah. He’s like; “We put on goggles. Put on masks. It’s disgusting. So we’ll take care of it.” (Laughs)

THERAPIST: That’s what we’re here for. That’s what we’re here for.

CLIENT: So in any case but it was that day where it was like one or two degrees. I had to walk him down to the vet. There was no way – and he’s short hair. We don’t have a coat for him because he’s too fat for it. And we got it for him when he was a puppy. I’m like, “Fuck. So I’m going to have to take him on the bus.” Bus stop is luckily about a block. So I get him there. And he’s like, “Okay let’s keep walking.”

I’m like, “We’ve got to stand here for like ten minutes.” And he can’t sit down because the concrete is too cold. And he can’t stand up because it’s too cold. So I get down there and pick him up. (inaudible at 0:40:24) We get on the bus. He won’t get on the bus. So I have to pick him up. And I’m trying to get through the bus and he has all four feet on the floor. So I had to drag him. [0:40:38]

THERAPIST: Mm. (inaudible)

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:40:41) I put him on like the special needs chair. And he gets underneath me and just shivers the entire time.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And people are all trying to comfort him. And I don’t take the time to explain that when you try to comfort a dog who is scared all you’re doing is reinforcing for them that they’re supposed to be scared right now. So

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:40:59)

CLIENT: (inaudible) the mind works. High pitched tones. High pitched tones. Okay it encourages behavior.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:41:06)

CLIENT: Low tones. Low tones. Discourage. Discourage. But –

THERAPIST: Poor guy.

CLIENT: This one woman asked me, “Is that shaking because of anxiety?” I’m like, “Yes.”

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: He’s terrified of vehicles. (inaudible at 0:41:21)

THERAPIST: Yep.

CLIENT: And part of it is his additional fear of the vet. He’s always better on the way back. He’s still scared but not as scared. (inaudible) [0:41:30]

THERAPIST: He knows he’s going.

CLIENT: He knows – (inaudible at 0:41:34) he’s going to the vet.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And they always poke and prod him. He’s been there so often for all his health problems.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But yeah I digressed entirely. Ginny trying to be like, “Hey let’s do sex stuff.” I’m like; “Yeah that’s great. Awesome. Let’s do that.” And I’m thinking (inaudible at 0:41:53). That’s what I want. I want the girlfriend. Some girlfriend – someone you can cuddle with and hang out with and make out with and have sex with. And all that stuff. Instead what I have is a very prudish wife. I’ve called her out on (inaudible at 0:42:13) too. I’m like; “You can’t do that.” That’s really –

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:42:18) Shaming like that whole kind of sensibility?

CLIENT: Well right. Like those community. (inaudible at 0:42:24 to 0:42:29) wearing a red shirt. And it’s kind of low cut. And Ginny’s like, “No that shirt is too low cut. She must be a stripper.” I’m like, “What the fuck was that? I’m like she can wear whatever the fuck she wants. And what if she is a stripper? Like what’s the problem there? What’s the issue?” (inaudible) It’s not okay. It’s called slut shaming. And that’s an anti-feminist. Right? Like you don’t get to have it both ways. [0:42:53]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Either you can be equal or women can’t wear whatever they want. And was she dressed in that as a costume – yes. But like (inaudible at 0:43:06) upsetting. So yeah I want this girlfriend. And Helen hasn’t come back. It’s been years. A couple of years now. And she’s not back. And it’s difficult when you’re in South America and (inaudible at 0:43:25). And your family finds out you’re a cam girl and your grandmother’s very upset. How do you deal with that? (inaudible at 0:43:33)

THERAPIST: Does Ginny like to express physical – cuddle that kind of thing? Tenderness?

CLIENT: Cuddle? Sometimes, yeah. Stuff like that. She’ll do some of that stuff. But it’s not what I want. I want that to lead to something. [0:43:50]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Like I want that to be part of an entire package.

THERAPIST: Because there is just that and there is nothing that it leads to.

CLIENT: Right. Like there is no way to seduce Ginny. It’s impossible. She’s not a sexual person. You can’t seduce her. I’ve tried everything. I want the whole thing. Like yeah – boom! Keep the shaving clean. Keep everything else (inaudible at 0:44:18) thing.

THERAPIST: It is really (inaudible at 0:44:21).

CLIENT: Yeah. Let it all go. It doesn’t matter. No sex either way.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Just because it seems like something she should do. And so there is this (inaudible at 0:44:36) in that. And I was struck by her generosity. So many of them are like, “Hey I’m here. What’s up?” Blah, blah, blah. “Come on guys. People should tip me or I’m putting my shirt back on.” (inaudible) [0:44:53]

This was a woman who has – she is always naked. And she’s always fucking herself with this machine she’s purchased. And like yeah. Every time someone gives me a dollar I’ll send it to (inaudible at 0:45:14) or something. But what it is, is the generosity of spirit. She’s just like – you can sit there and essentially have a private show with her for free. And she doesn’t mind.

And so I would tell her this. And I would talk to her. And I have talked to her. There were a few dollars here and there for her generosity. (inaudible at 0:45:39) I think you’re really amazing to do this. This is how you approach your work. And the way that you respond to everyone. (inaudible at 0:45:51) And she has her laptop in front of her but the cam is behind her. So she’s looking back over her shoulder to talk to you as she’s having this machine fuck her. [0:46:05]

So I tipped her five dollars. And I’m like – I sent a private message just to her and only she could see it. I’m like, “Here’s five dollars because you’re amazing and you deserve it.” And she actually turned like, “No, no, no.” She looks like directly at me. At the camera. She’s like, “No, no, no. You deserve it. You deserve it.” And I was like, “Wow. That’s why you’re here.” You know. She’s a service provider because she cares.

THERAPIST: And when they make it about it money there is this sort of feeling of –

CLIENT: Well find strippers who want your money. It’s like come on. If it’s just like a business transaction.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Then what are we even doing here?

THERAPIST: What are we doing?

CLIENT: If there is – I know (inaudible at 0:46:48). That has to be a human element to it or else it’s useless. It’s useless. I can’t do any of that without a human element. And but now I’m on her private friends list. Like now I can talk to her whenever. I can e-mail her and we can discuss through the secure system of the site. [0:47:09]

THERAPIST: Yeah but the business element, if you see that – if it’s up front. It ruins the whole (inaudible at 0:47:20)

CLIENT: Yeah I’m like, “Why are we even here?”

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:47:22) potential.

CLIENT: Whereas with her the thing – what is amazing is I can totally experience you for free.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But I don’t because now I care about you too.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And she’s 29. She’s 29. That is old for a cam girl.

THERAPIST: Is that right? What do they usually run?

CLIENT: Eighteen to twenty something. Early –

THERAPIST: Early twenties?

CLIENT: At twenty-nine they start putting the MILF tag on. And I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me?” It’s like; “You’re twenty nine years old!” Don’t put a MILF tag on someone until like they’re showing actual wrinkles on their face. (inaudible at 0:48:05) People like that. (inaudible) But – it’s just like all of sudden, “Ah!” And here you go. And here’s my girlfriend. (inaudible) [0:48:24]

THERAPIST: Having that look back – yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. And then just the fact that –

THERAPIST: Her looking (inaudible at 0:48:29).

CLIENT: (inaudible) directly when no one else can see what I’m typing.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then she will respond vocally to what I’m saying. And so there is a conversation that she and I are having that most people only see half of. And there are like a few people on her friends list. She’s got a group of people on the list. So I’m not super special but I am in a limited number club. [0:48:56]

THERAPIST: Well it’s also a way as opposed to I guess to what you experienced Ginny like – there is a seduction. You feel that there a –

CLIENT: Yeah well there is an actual engagement.

THERAPIST: This woman who wants to kind of have that.

CLIENT: She is there for a purpose. Right?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: She’s not there because someone said, “Oh you should probably go do cam girl stuff.” She’s like; “You know what I love? Being a cam girl.”

THERAPIST: Yeah. And I think with Ginny coming home like that it’s more of a feeling she’s just doing it –

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:49:25)

THERAPIST: She’s providing a service.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:49:30) Whatever.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I mean she does. She wants to give that to you. She wants to be there but I think you know she’s not really –

CLIENT: Oh yeah. She wants to. She wishes she were but she’s not.

THERAPIST: She were but she’s not.

CLIENT: I’ve asked her over the years, I’m like, “Are you a lesbian?” Like “Have you considered that? Have you actually thought about that fact that maybe you are? You’re not very sexual anyway. Maybe you’re just not into this.” And she’s like, “No, no. I totally am. I think you’re really sexy.” And like blah, blah, blah. Like if anything of those things were true things would be very different than they are. But they aren’t. [0:50:19]

THERAPIST: And there wasn’t – I think I’ve asked you this before. There wasn’t a time where she was more and (inaudible at 0:50:29).

CLIENT: She was for a little bit. Right when she turned thirty for a couple of years. Then we bought the house. And things were still good. Things were better because now there wasn’t a landlord living next door. And then Kevin moved in and that was it.

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: That was it. That was it.

THERAPIST: But she hasn’t kind of turned on –

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:50:46)

CLIENT: No. Yeah.

THERAPIST: It does sound like she’s trying to find it.

CLIENT: Yeah if it exists.

THERAPIST: Exists, right.

CLIENT: If it exists.

THERAPIST: It’s something about her job too. That other job that she had before. (inaudible) [0:51:03]

CLIENT: I could understand to a degree. You know what I mean? And to a large degree.

THERAPIST: Could she turn it back on again? Is it even there?

CLIENT: Yeah. It’s like – it’ll be fifteen years in March. Fifteen years.

THERAPIST: Fifteen years.

CLIENT: I’m like, “Wow that’s fifteen years of like not getting laid basically every night.” Which is what my pattern was before Ginny. (inaudible at 0:51:29) Six months out of the four years before I dated Ginny are six months I slept alone. Like that’s how I basically (inaudible at 0:51:37 to 0:51:41) I didn’t sleep with anybody was worth sleeping with. [0:51:46]

THERAPIST: Did – You guys have separate . Do you sleep apart?

CLIENT: Yeah we have separate bedrooms. Yeah right.

THERAPIST: And it’s because of the snoring.

CLIENT: It’s because of the snoring and because she is the lightest sleeper in the world. She wakes up. And she found out last night – because we were talking last night. She’s like sometimes I hear him snoring from your room. I’m like, “That’s so funny because my dog snores too.”

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I’m like, “So then you must be hearing me snore.” She’s like, “I do. But that makes me feel better. It means I know where you are. Sometimes if I don’t hear snoring I have to get up and find out where you are.”

THERAPIST: Well all right.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:52:28) Every time I leave here – I’m like I could talk to you for like five hours at a time and it wouldn’t be enough.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I’m sure you get that.

THERAPIST: It goes by fast.

CLIENT: Yeah it does. It does. Well have a good weekend. I’ll see you Monday at eleven. Monday at eleven.

THERAPIST: That’s right. Yeah. Yeah. And you know by the way I definitely see people more than twice a week.

CLIENT: That’s good to know.

THERAPIST: I do. Do you –

CLIENT: It’s Martin Luther King day. Are you celebrating that by not being here?

THERAPIST: I am celebrating by being here.

CLIENT: Me too! Me too. (inaudible at 0:53:15) All right. Thanks.

THERAPIST: Yep. [0:53:17] [end of audio]

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