TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: … useless. We go over the Chapter 5 problems quickly, there’s only four of them, and I needed to make sure I had them to do. Take Test 3 the second time, and immediately take the mid-term right afterwards, get out of there some time around 8:00, go down to Georgetown, hit up my drug dealer and buy some weed so I don’t want to kill myself every day. And then the new plan is this, so…

THERAPIST: Have you been feeling like that?

CLIENT: Yeah, it’s been pretty bad. It’s been pretty bad. The last couple days have been really bad. Last night I was so furious. I hit my hurt my pinkie a little bit hammer fisting my book. Ripped pages out of it, had to tape them back in. The point where my dog was not only trembling but hyperventilating, which is signs of other respiratory failure or a potential heart attack. So I’m like, well, if it terrified my dog, you know. But I couldn’t calm down, I couldn’t calm down. And I was like… you know, so I double-fisted some Klonopin. I was like make that a good one and then I’d see if that helps.

THERAPIST: How much did you take?

CLIENT: Oh, just a milligram, or whatever it is. So two pills. So they’re 0.5 each, you can take six a day before you develop physical dependency. So…

THERAPIST: Did it help?

CLIENT: A little bit. A little bit. But then I had to… Yeah, and so I was thinking, like what do I do? Like what’s the thing that stops this? What stops this rage and this situation where the only thing I can think of is that probably I should kill myself? What stops this? [unclear] stops it. It stops it, you know. When I’m going too fast I can drink a Manhattan, it’ll bring me down just a little bit. If I’m already down then there’s I shouldn’t drink alcohol because that’ll put me further down. So I need some weed and weed brings me back up again. So… But then like once I have weed I have to smoke weed until it’s gone.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [0:02:25]

CLIENT: Right? So what do I do, considering I have more work to do. Because I have to take the mid-term again, probably Thursday, to increase my score to [unclear] today, and I’m completely exhausted, and I have to take the mid-term today. Well, on Wednesday, as I had previously assumed. But I misread the initial number something. So I found that out on Sunday and that is what triggered a bunch of this. It was like, “Oh shit! I have three fewer days to get this done.”

THERAPIST: That’s what triggered…

CLIENT: Just spiraling of depression and rage and frustration. Especially when I’m going through, I’m like looking at his answer key and I’m like, “This is wrong.” Like this is clearly wrong, and I can prove it. You know, and like… He’s like, “Oh, use Table 3.” I’m like, “What the fuck is Table 3?” You know. And he’s just… So I’m like, “Okay. Okay. There’s only a few errors I found in your answer key over the course of everything, but still it’s negligence, you know. And…

So [unclear], the plan is this. This is the plan for survival, Carl. And I’ve been considering this for a little bit, like how to go about doing this. Considering that… [pause] Wow, that’s CNR. That’s [inaudible], that’s different. Okay, so considering that psychiatrists are like, “Oh, you know if you smoke weed and you’re bipolar too it completely destroys you. Completely destroys you.” I’m like, “Well, actually that’s the opposite.” It’s like I’m bipolar, trying to smoke weed, and it keeps me…

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. [0:04:20]

CLIENT: So I’m like, okay. So given that lithium made me want to kill myself, but it doesn’t do that. You know, given that weed makes me feel better but it’s not supposed to do that. Drugs have always affected me differently. Like this has always been the case throughout my life. Because this is because I was conceived during a one-month acid trip. Who knows. Wrappers of the cocaine my father rubbed on my gums when I was teething as a numbing agent. Who knows. Who knows. Perhaps is a combination of the bipolar I and bipolar II and the Tourette’s gene which is latent within me. You know, I mean. Who knows, you know. But [we’re getting to?].

So given that. Given that I have very little faith in psychiatry at this point, right, you know. And that with them continually told me and continually told me it does not seem to be actually working. Right. [unclear] pretty well. [unclear] seems to work pretty well, you know, [unclear] what’s gotten me into this state. And [] was like, “This is far preferable to where you were six or seven, eight years ago.” You know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It’s like incredibly preferable, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: There are still triggering events, you know, that I recognize. You know, extreme stress triggers these events. And like realization of my incapability of performing actions that I know will make me feel better is another triggering event. I caught this… and finally after years would go out and do errands, you know. [I’m all stressed, I want to move?], we go and we do errands. Which means we go out to like… [unclear] Home Depot for something I need, probably at Costco for a few things we need. Hit Petco, you know. And they’re all in the same plaza, way out there by the one Chucky Cheese remaining in the state of, you know, the union. [chuckles] You know. And [unclear] an entire evening. So… Let’s see. So… [0:06:40]

But then we’d go to Target last, and Target might get… we might get some food stuffs, we might get some other stuff. But back when I had jobs the end run of Target was always at the video game section. We’d be like, “Oh, I’ll buy some [], or I’ll think of this thing.” You know, or like, “Ah, nothing here I want. Whatever. Let’s go home.” But going into Target and being unable to buy things I want to buy because I know that will make me feel better is a trigger.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know. As soon as I get out of there I’m out of juice and I always go into this… I go down, I’ll go down, I’ll go down.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So the key is dealing with triggers, but the triggers cannot be avoided.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that’s right.

CLIENT: Right? They all… they exist, you know. And made Ginny break down in tears years ago, she has this… you know, it’s chronic back spasm. You know, she couldn’t make it stop. And the first doctor she went to was like, “Well, try removing the stress from your life.” Like that was her answer. But can you imagine being a medical doctor and suggesting to someone to cure their problems they remove the stress from their life.

THERAPIST: Right. You’re not going to remove all the triggers. [0:08:00]

CLIENT: Right, how would this thing even be possible?

THERAPIST: Yeah. So just complete idiocy, and it makes me want to strangle… And this is the motion, this is Tai Chi, so the tea cup. But this is taking out a trachea. So. And the way it turns and the trachea comes away, or it really snaps or shatters or breaks. Then it gets… I’m not here to talk about all the various ways to kill someone with your bear hands. You know, that’s not why we’re here. Let’s get back to you.

So the plan is that… I think back to when I was working and smoking weed, right. And the problem is now is I wake up, I’m like there’s nothing to do, might as well smoke some weed. But [then I’ll go with my day?] and I smoke weed throughout the day. Then I go to sleep, wake up, repeat the pattern. This puts me in a deeper state of uselessness as time goes on, just built a tolerance over the course of the week So then I was thinking, “You know, you’re just smoking weed to maintain a state of like… [exhales],” [hoping that?]…

THERAPIST: Yeah. [0:09:00]

CLIENT: You know. Which is not useful, considering I have stuff to do. So my plan is this, I’m like, okay, this is what I’ll have to do. I still see you. See, I’m [unclear]. But the plan is this, is that what if I start days as if I’m going to work. Right. I wake up and I’ve got some things to do which are work, right, the things which I don’t do when I’m high, like making the fucking voice reel, like fucking doing my yoga. You know, it’s like putting out some more job stuff. You know, what… [pause] Yeah, start with that. Get a few hours of that out of the way. And do some work, get some of that shit out of the work. On some days wake up, [go hitting the board?], go directly to the work lab and sit down and do work and help the tutors and like…

THERAPIST: Yeah, that’s a good idea. [0:10:00]

CLIENT: Right?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then I can have the weed after that. And like make sure the shit I’m getting done in the morning is the first thing [alone?]. So it’s like smoking cigarettes, you’ll have to wake up in the morning and have a cigarette first thing.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It’s like [inhales]. It’s so nice.

THERAPIST: Yeah. The other thing to say is that… and you know, I’ve got a couple more names for you to try out…

CLIENT: Oh, thanks.

THERAPIST: … for a psychiatrist. And I called Ake.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And I wonder if she’d be willing to see you through the Georgetown Hospital, because she works in private practice in the Georgetown Hospital.

CLIENT: Which one is that, the one down the street?

THERAPIST: Yeah, there’s one on… there’s two, there’s one on… there’s like an outpatient… both are out patient.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: There’s one right over there. [0:11:00]

CLIENT: That’s easy walking distance.

THERAPIST: But there’s two other people. I don’t know what the… I called… well, I called one woman that I usually refer people to, she told me that she’s no longer taking insurance.

CLIENT: [laughs]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Idiot.

THERAPIST: Well…

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: And you could still see her, and what she would do is give you a bill that you could then…

CLIENT: Send to my insurance company.

THERAPIST: … send to your insurance company and they’ll reimburse you.

CLIENT: [I don’t know if that would actually?] work, but whatever, okay. And…

THERAPIST: And then there’s two other people that I got from other people.

CLIENT: That might be useful?

THERAPIST: Yeah. And I’ll give you their names and numbers.

CLIENT: Appreciate that.

THERAPIST: And what I think they’ll probably do is sit down with you, and they’re going to recommend you try a second… another mood stabilizer.

CLIENT: Lithium.

THERAPIST: No, they probably wouldn’t do lithium what you experienced on it.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I mean, [overtalk] at all. But they… Because it’s still I think Lamictal and Klonopin is such a… it’s a start, but for all the people that I’ve seen with any kind of mood disorder kind of thing it’s such a small weak kind of thing right now. And the other thing I’ll say is that it’s rare… I don’t think I’ve ever seen anybody it worked the first time with the one combination. It never does. Maybe one time out of ten.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Really. They’re…

CLIENT: [I hate that, I get confused?]. [laughs]

THERAPIST: Yeah. These guys… You know, it’s a science, but it’s so much more an art right now with all this stuff.

CLIENT: Well, sure, drug discovery. I’m on anti-seizure medication.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I’m on two forms of anti-seizure medication, right.

THERAPIST: That’s right, yeah.

CLIENT: But like [inaudible]. And I don’t have the seizures [unclear].

THERAPIST: Yeah. [0:13:00]

CLIENT: This tremble has gone away finally. All the lithium out of the system and I can use my hand again.

THERAPIST: It won’t… you know, another med won’t take away the triggers, but it’ll give you a bottom for it. It just won’t sink you to the… it’ll help with the spiraling down. It won’t make them go away, but it’ll make it a lot…

CLIENT: But nothing does, right. Nothing does. You manage bipolar, you don’t cure it.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Yeah. So… but that’s the resource for managing, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And like I swear to God, the very first thing I’m going to do when this [country’s open?] is be like, “Here’s what you’re going to do, you’re going to write my prescription for sativa.” And they’re going to be like, “Oh, it never works.” I’m like, “Well, it does. Actually it does. It works really well.” So let’s give it a shot. You want to fiddle with everything else, let’s fiddle with this. What are the chances lithium makes this thing happen? Well, so far very, very, very, very small, statistically insufficient. Well, large number theory says it can happen, so ta da!

THERAPIST: Yeah, if it had an adverse reaction what are you going to do?

CLIENT: Yeah, reality is reality, you know.

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: So I don’t care if it’s 0.0001%, it’s the same large number theory, it’s gonna happen. It’s gonna happen at least 0.001 times.

THERAPIST: But yeah, the stuff that other people that I have worked with that had bipolar II, they’re on more substantial regimens to help them. It’s just… you know, it’s a shame. I mean, especially with… you know, when you’re finding yourself really… you know, really mad like that, there’s stuff that can be done. And it… you know.

CLIENT: Yeah, I would hope so. Right? I would hope so. Because I’m sitting there, I’m like, I can’t control this, it just builds. [0:15:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Oh, one other thing I wanted to bring up is that I… So I’m going to be back in town… that week of the 17th I’m gone, I’m going to be back on Friday, I was wondering if you could meet.

CLIENT: Yeah, I can meet. I can do anything at this point.

THERAPIST: Let’s just get this down.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I’ll be gone Monday but getting back Thursday night and I…

CLIENT: Sure, yeah, and then Friday would be available. So the 21st, is that what I’m seeing?

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: Okay, what do you have open?

THERAPIST: Let me see here. Uh, 10:50 on the 21st.

CLIENT: Great.

THERAPIST: Okay, let’s do it.

CLIENT: 10:50 a.m. Yup. When I’m alert.

THERAPIST: And let me get those names and numbers for you.

CLIENT: Sure. [pause] Excellent. I have to learn that you can do undo by shaking your phone.

THERAPIST: You can do what?

CLIENT: You can do undo by shaking the phone when you’re typing.

THERAPIST: Oh, is that right?

CLIENT: Yeah. It says, “Do you want to undo that last one?” Just tested it out. I’ve gotten to the stuff you can do too where you can set it up so you can’t tilt your head different ways and it can do things. While it’s looking at you. So what was up with Dr. Ake?

THERAPIST: You know, I just called her. And…

CLIENT: Did you talk to her at all or… [0:17:00]

THERAPIST: I didn’t talk to her. But I talked to somebody that also refers to her and he said that she’s limiting how many people she’s taking into her private practice but not into…

CLIENT: Not to the out patients.

THERAPIST: Not to the outpatient stuff.

CLIENT: Well, that’s great.

THERAPIST: And I called her and asked her to call me back.

CLIENT: Cool.

THERAPIST: I don’t have a pen. Do you have a pen? You know what I’ll do, I will… Here’s what I’ll do. Because I got these pictures. So I’m going to text message…

CLIENT: Yeah, text me the pictures, that’s perfect. Welcome to the future.

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: [unclear] my insurance card.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I take all my… anybody that shows me an insurance card I just take a picture now.

CLIENT: Yeah, it’s so much better. [0:18:00]

THERAPIST: Okay. Okay, here. And what I’ll do is I’ll remind you of something on this. [pause] They’re still going through, but…

CLIENT: It’s not… and I can… you can text me at some point, I don’t need it right away.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I’ve still got Klonopin for…

THERAPIST: What I’m going to say is for []… for the second guy use his Georgetown number.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: [pause] And for [] use the Providence number.

CLIENT: So…

THERAPIST: Yeah. [0:19:00]

CLIENT: Yeah, so I mean, there it is, you know, for the plan. That’s the plan to survive.

THERAPIST: Yeah, well, tell me… so you were getting quite upset about the… about when you’re studying?

CLIENT: Yeah. You know, the work and just the fact that it wasn’t going well, and it’s like…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I’ve got to cram more of it, and I have to do two test today. And I’m like, I can do work for about three hours at a time. I mean, I can do about six to eight hours today.

THERAPIST: Take breaks.

CLIENT: Yeah, well, and I have to. But there’s not a lot of time to take breaks today.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: You know.

THERAPIST: What are you going to do, what is it…

CLIENT: I have to take two tests. I have to go over four problems with a tutor, then I have to take a test, and then I have to immediately take another test in order to get it done before the place closes tonight.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Then I go from there hit up Hamish. You know. [0:20:00]

THERAPIST: Did you go last week after… you didn’t?

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: No. Yeah. And you know, it’s just… [pause] If there’s a drug that makes you feel better, what do you do? You know. If your options are, this is the suicidal rage, you know, or something between zero and n, where n is complete oblivion, then I’ll take that.

THERAPIST: You gotta do what you gotta do.

CLIENT: Yeah. All right? Right, don’t I? Don’t I have to survive?

THERAPIST: You have to survive.

CLIENT: Right, I mean, that’s the key.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: And then this new plan is when I had a job, so I’d wake up, I’d go to my job, I’d come home from my job, I’d smoke my weed, boom. The weed would take away all the tension from the day and let me process the day. I would look back over the day and be like, okay, what could I have done better? You know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And… [pause]

THERAPIST: Hey, you know, listen, if you’ve got to withdraw from the class you can take it over the summer.

CLIENT: Yeah, see, Ginny says that same bullshit too. And like I’m sorry, but like that’s not really a useful answer for me. You know, it’s that…

THERAPIST: Well, why not, what’s up?

CLIENT: Well, because the longer I go without a degree the longer I can’t apply for six-figure jobs. You know?

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: And I would desperately like to be rich again, you know. So saw a good friend Friday, and we have dinner at that flatbreads place, the flatbreads and bowling where it’s a hipster hangout. “Lots of…” The guy I came with, “I’m here, there’s a lot of flannel.” And I haven’t seen him in ten years, he lives in Chicago, he’s got twin boys. And he’s the intersection of tech and finance. So he works at a tech company that does financial software and he’s the tech guy that they send up when like the sales guy can’t answer questions, “Oh, you need to talk to Max.” He just grabs it and goes in, the tech guy grumbles some stuff at him, he gives some answers, the tech guys grumbles some stuff, and then Max shuts him down. You know, he’s like tech answers, boom. And they’re like, “Oh, well, okay.” [0:22:40]

So he was out here doing that. And he was like, “Yeah, let’s catch some dinner.” And I saw [Tab?], saw [unclear], and he’s another tech guy. His wife and kids are away for the week so he’s just reverted to bachelorhood, which for him means building computers, he’s building like three computers this week. And he’s like, “Yeah, here’s my computer!” So he’s just putting those together. And there’s Adam. So afterwards Adam’s giving me a ride home and he’s like, “I need to borrow your analytical skills.” I’m like, “Okay, sure. What do you mean?” He’s like, “I’m in over my head at my company.” This is some place that we’ve been in talks three times and it’s never worked out, and he’s working there now as a product manager. And he’s like, “I’m out of my depth.” He’s like, “I’m reacting, I’m not planning, I’m out of my…” He’s describing the panic state. But he’s like, “Let’s talk [about Hunter?].” You know, it’s like this is… because eventually you wouldn’t [go to the point your incompetent?], and like that’s what he’s struggling with right now. You choose one of two things, either you need to get an assistant or they’re going to hire you a boss. Or they’re going to hire someone who can do what you do and replace you. And he’s like, the good news is they take a really long time to fire anyway. He’s like, “So that’s great. It takes a really long time to fire anyone where I am.” And they’re more likely to hire a new assistant than hire a new boss. I’m like, “Okay.” [0:24:30]

He’s like, “What I’m going to do is just like crunch it up for two weeks, get everything off my plate so I can take the high level picture.” I’m like, “Okay, remember that’s a trap.” Right, that you can like crunch for two weeks. Because still is still building up while you’re doing that. Right, you’re never going to clear your plate that way. He’s like, “Oh no, I can do it.” Like fine. Like that’s your answer, that’s what you’ve come to. And they’re still there, like they’re hanging in the air. Like this is rare, but I’ve used them both and they’re still hanging there.

THERAPIST: What your thoughts that you’d like to get back to…

CLIENT: Yeah, [do the?] cube. You know, it’s like this is the solution. I mean, they’re like these cubes that glow slightly with this sort of amorphous greenish/purplish substance. That’s what thoughts look like. But, you know, “Ah, there’s you go. [unclear].” So…

THERAPIST: [unclear]

CLIENT: Yup.

THERAPIST: Yup.

CLIENT: He went to space and got back. Doesn’t take too long. So there I am. And that and the threat of war with Russia. I mean, that’s super exciting. Putin’s like, “Hey Syria. Let’s all be cool about Syria. Oh, by the way, we’re invading Kiev and the Ukraine.” And we’re like, “There will be costs.” Really, what are they? Because we did it. What are the costs? I don’t see any yet. After Putin does whatever he wants. You know, so. And President Obama signs into law things that the government can do to us [unclear]. This shows again, the president’s simply a puppet. Just a puppet.

So these are also stressors, right, that I have to figure out a country to move to. Kind of like, what country should I retire to? Because [I don’t like this one?]. I’m like, I don’t think that’s the best idea. We’re a declining empire right now, we need to be cognizant of that. Meanwhile Sweden. You know what Sweden’s doing with their prisons right now?

THERAPIST: Mm. [0:27:00]

CLIENT: Closing a bunch of them. You know why? They’ll be empty.

THERAPIST: Huh?

CLIENT: Yeah. They have more prisons than they have prisoners. They’re like, “Why don’t we start closing some of these down.” Just turn them to compost. Really secure compost. [laughter] Barbed wires around them. Yeah, [unclear]. But, you know, my father was in the auto industry while he was in jail. That’s what my grandmother put it in the family newsletter. Because he was making license plates.

THERAPIST: License plates, yeah.

CLIENT: So he was working in the auto industry. [The trigger’s going to go away?]. I just had this dream last night, slightly influenced by the night before I was watching “Dexter.” [unclear] season five. [unclear] [unclear] kept in his basement, and this young woman has a little girl. They’ve all been captured by serial killers too, they really need assistance, they’re all trapped there. And it’s that time of day when the serial killer comes down the stairs and decides… chooses one of us, and he’s like, “Here’s how I’m going to torture you today,” and he gives them a choice of how I’m going to do it. And he’s got the screwdriver, he’s like, “I’m going to stab you in the balls with this screwdriver.” But he said, “But you get to tell me when.”

THERAPIST: This is in the dream? [0:28:45]

CLIENT: In the dream, yeah. He’s like, “But you get to tell me when.” He went like this. [unclear] will tell you when in time to stop you, right. And I’m sitting there like this, I’m like, “Fucking great,” you know, “this is going to be awful.” And I wake up and I’m like wait a minute. Hold up. I wasn’t restrained. He had a weapon with which I could kill him. I’m like, and the other guy, [he’s not going to stop me with?] a gun. That’s a little body shield I can use and I can take the gun, then I’ve got a gun and I can kill the other guy. I’m like, that was a completely solvable situation. I don’t know why I was so worried. I’ve got all the skills and tools necessary to solve that entire situation.

THERAPIST: But you felt [under siege as it were?], huh.

CLIENT: Yeah. And Ginny’s like, “That’s an interesting dream. You know, there was a way to do this work thing. You know, you feel totally fucked over those things, but in reality when you sit back and think about it you actually have all the tools necessary to solve the problem.”

THERAPIST: I think she’s right.

CLIENT: Yeah, probably. You know, dream analysis is remarkably easy from the outside, right. And I’m really good at it for other people.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [0:30:00]

CLIENT: I’m like, “It’s completely here’s what it is.” If it were easy for one’s self your subconscious would just tell you. Just be like, “Hey man, here’s the thing. Why don’t you chill out for a second. I know you feel under pressure, but you can do this all.” It would just be a dream about me going to work and doing well in work. [laughter]

THERAPIST: Yeah, that’s right.

CLIENT: But the wilderness can get that message through you.

THERAPIST: Yeah. No, I think that’s right, there’s something about it feeling… with the way that you experience it.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You’d be very different with a person that was going through it. But you’re walking in those shoes.

CLIENT: [overtalk] I can solve anyone’s problems. Right, that’s the thing. Like I can just be like, “What is the issue here? Let’s walk through it.”

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah, that’s right.

CLIENT: I’m like, “These are…” Like it seems so simple from the outside. Like what’s wrong with you? Well, what’s wrong with me is my brain doesn’t work. Right, you know.

THERAPIST: Well, you feel such… you feel really besieged by a lot of things.

CLIENT: Yes, I’m besieged by things I cannot control.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know.

THERAPIST: Yeah. But yet there’s also this way that like if somebody points it out to you there is some way you can help a little bit sometimes. [0:31:00]

CLIENT: Yeah. But even waking up it’s like wait a minute…

THERAPIST: And you did it, yeah, you’re right.

CLIENT: You know, in the situation there’s no outcome of that scenario in which I did not end up killing three people and rescuing two others. Right, like that’s there’s… like that’s the scenario I’ve trained for. And like I’m looking through it, I’m like, these are all the factors, this is where I’m in this position. Like I win that.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Even if he has a second knife I win that. You know, like… And that’s rule number two when I fight against two knives.

THERAPIST: It’s always it’s up to the fact that you’ve got to be the guy that saves everything. You’ve got to be the guy.

CLIENT: Yeah, Ginny and I both share that problem. I have to be the hero, she has to be the martyr.

THERAPIST: Yeah. And it does make me think about, was there something about like going to the tutor that was…

CLIENT: There’s something demeaning about.

THERAPIST: Okay. Talk to… yeah, why? [0:32:00]

CLIENT: Requiring help.

THERAPIST: All right.

CLIENT: I’m so sick of requiring help. I told Ginny she’d have to [inaudible] a cripple. She’s like, “I’m going to go to the grocery store,” and I’m like, “I can’t. Clearly I can’t leave the table right now.” And she’s like, “[I don’t know?], so I’ll go get you your usual stuff.” I’m like, “It’ll just be like I’m a cripple.” You know, that like I can’t leave the house and go do the grocery shopping without… And who knows how much damage I would want to do in a grocery store. [I know I like?] can’t do damage in a grocery store. What would that do? What would that do to me. How much control could I potentially lose?

THERAPIST: Because the crowds just amp you up? [0:33:00]

CLIENT: No, the crowds… Or, well, it’s other things. Crowds cannot really deal with who I am. Right. [The public means?] as much of an ass as possible if necessary. My impulse control is very strong so long as it relates to anything outside of me that does not belong to me. Right. My impulse control in destroying things that I own and causing damage to myself in the process is less powerful. Like I said, I had to take some Advil [Klonopin] last night because I was slamming the book so hard, double hammer fist. It was like, had that been a person that person would be very badly injured. You know, like that’s for the face, that’s for the chest, this one may have killed them. [0:34:00]

The whole ninja dim mak death touch, by the way, it fucking works. I tested it out in fight science. Took a guy that was studying [unclear], and he’s like, “This is like the death touch.” And he was practicing. You never practice it. This is how [unclear name] answers the whole thing, he like, bam, does it. And they’re like, “Yup, you exploded the heart of a dummy. Which is because you made it compress so fast it had to expand faster than it could.” And that’s the dim mak death touch.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I was thinking it could be sort of frightening but also kind of a power in having it.

CLIENT: Well, that’s what he said, he’s like, “I felt like a superhero.” I’m like, “That’s what [unclear].” I’m like, “That’s what [unclear] to the chest does for me.” Yeah, like I don’t know what it is, my elbows and my knees are devastating, devastating weapons. Like surprising Marines with how much pain I’ve caused them through the pad. You know, like making people beg other people to distract me so [unclear]. You know, that floor person fighting, and it was like someone else attacking me. And like there was one guy, we were doing wrist escapes, which are, you know, not perfectly, “Wrist escape!” You know, but rule number one if someone grabs your wrist and you can’t immediately get out, well, that’s because they’ve probably got two hands on your one, and now you’re winning the fight, they’ve sacrificed two weapons to your three.

THERAPIST: This is what the impact of the trauma you went through had on you. Well, your mother. Your mother.

CLIENT: It was specifically… [0:36:00]

THERAPIST: I was thinking about, you know, when you have a mother that’s got her act together, when you’re an infant and when you’re developing, when you need help you rely on that person and it’s a good experience, and so you learn that getting help’s okay. You learned the opposite, you learned to be scared of it.

CLIENT: No, no, it’s true. And same thing in school, same exact thing in school.

THERAPIST: What’s that?

CLIENT: Okay, so fourth grade. Fourth grade one of… No, actually, you know what, that’s not so bad. Second grade was four schools, but third grade was one school, fourth grade was one school, fifth grade was one school. The part of sixth grade I went to was one school. Kindergarten was one, first grade was one. So for the most part not so bad. But like the different [unclear]. But in fourth grade asking the teacher for help she would yell at me, she’d tell me I was a baby or an idiot. And I told you this…

THERAPIST: [overtalk] [0:37:00]

CLIENT: Like, “Yeah, I was out the other day when you talked long division, I don’t know what these symbols mean.” “Figure it out yourself.”

THERAPIST: Yes, right. Humiliate you, huh.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah, figure it out yourself. Figure out long division by yourself?

THERAPIST: You did the exact correct thing you’re supposed to do.

CLIENT: I’m nine. Yeah, exactly. And asking for help is often a punishment.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, with somebody who can’t handle it.

CLIENT: Well, right. The problem I have now is I’m asking for help from people who are giving me the wrong answers. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm, yeah.

CLIENT: Like ask [unclear] to give me the wrong answers. And insists that they are correct. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: Insists that they are correct.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that’s something. Right, right, just like the work.

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. It’s like I’m asking for help and you gave me the wrong answer. [0:38:00]

THERAPIST: Okay, yeah, right.

CLIENT: And I can’t take the score takers now. You know, after I go over every test once the score bumped 50% they won’t even look at with me. But they’re making [unclear] they’re making mistakes then what’s my recourse?

THERAPIST: Right, right.

CLIENT: You know, it’s like how can I even look at this? When you mark me down 8 points on a minor thing out of 10. I would have accepted minus 2 points, they gave me minus 8. So how do I actually know you know what you’re doing over there?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: All the data was correct, it wasn’t ordered in the way they wanted it to be. It was all correct.

THERAPIST: And I think that’s important, that needing help feels… how did you put it feels, humiliating?

CLIENT: Demeaning.

THERAPIST: Demeaning. [0:39:00]

CLIENT: Yeah. It’s just funny that my main character worships a god that only helps you when you’ve earned it. And only if you never ask for it.

THERAPIST: If you never ask for it either? Yeah, those are like life lessons.

CLIENT: [laughs] Yeah. Because they’re not good ones, right? Like supposedly.

THERAPIST: Yeah, they’re the right life lessons, but yeah, they’re totally out of line [unclear].

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That is the wise thing to do.

CLIENT: Starting from a sample size of one I can tell you with 100% accuracy that asking for help is the worst possible thing to do.

THERAPIST: That’s right. But we’re hardwired to get help. As human beings we’re hardwired…

CLIENT: Well, we’re [unclear] tribal creatures.

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: That’s correct, yes. Like other [unclear] predators, I mean, we’re [unclear] the right ones. And fucking dolphins fucking kill sharks. You know.

THERAPIST: Whales. [0:40:00]

CLIENT: Do they kill whales too?

THERAPIST: No whales like all work together in tandem and cooperate and they’re bonded together. If they’re separated they go through really immense psychological problems.

CLIENT: Well yeah, like blackfish.

THERAPIST: Like blackfish, yeah.

CLIENT: We’re making all these animals psychotic.

THERAPIST: They’re making them psychotic.

CLIENT: Yeah. So shall we shut down Sea World? Because that one just killed three people. You know. And like, “What should we do?” Well, you should let it go.

THERAPIST: Well yeah, we’ll throw it right back out there.

CLIENT: Yeah, now you’ve made it psychotic, let it go and see how that works. Maybe they can fix it. The other [fish?] are like, “Hey, what’s up, man? What’s going on, what’s wrong with you?” Like, “Oh, I had to eat all these humans.” “I get it. They’re such bastards, man. They’re like the worst, they’re like fucking cancer.”

THERAPIST: Mm hm, that’s what we’re like. [0:41:00]

CLIENT: But brevis, I have a plan. I have to go in to dial the tutor immediately and be like, “We need to go over these problems right now.” Right now. Because I don’t have time to fuck around. And I need to get in this test, take the test again, and I need to do…

THERAPIST: [overtalk]

CLIENT: I can’t sit here and bother explaining to you like I don’t trust your grading system, I don’t have time to get into this with you, because you will deflect. You’ll be like, “Oh, well I got that one. Oh well, whatever, I got that one.” But thing is on a work test question is like, listen, you’re doing it this way, which seems like a really long form way to do it. When in fact you should just convert all your fractions to decimals and do the work.

THERAPIST: Yeah, why do you…

CLIENT: Right, right, why do it with fractions? What use is fractions? [It’s dumb Americans growing old in school?]. You know? [unclear] Yeah, you know. So this is what I have to do, I have to go… This is what the plan [unclear] because it needs to be repeated.

THERAPIST: [overtalk] [0:42:10]

CLIENT: [overtalk] spend time memorizing it and gazing at it for five seconds. So it just needs to have a [purchase?], whatever.

THERAPIST: What are you…

CLIENT: Mom told me when we were driving along, she’s like, “Oh, that’s more like you stare at something for five seconds you’ll always remember it.” So [unclear].

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: I’m like, “Well, that forever. What’s that useful for though?” You know, we’ll prove the technique can work. But that’s where the plan lingers. I mean, it still has to be enacted.

THERAPIST: What’s the blank? This is about today? [0:43:00]

CLIENT: This is where I go in today. And that’s easy. From here hit Burger King, get lunch, go to work lab. Sit down with tutor, go over problems 7 through 10, go take test. And immediately finish test and walk out of test, hit water bubbler, take anti-anxiety meds, go back into room, sit down for next test, take test. Which is simply a compilation of chapters 1 through 5, so it should actually be pretty simple.

THERAPIST: How did you feel you’re getting the 1 through 5 stuff? Anything that’s [overtalk]?

CLIENT: I mean, there’s some stuff [3S?], you have to put the box in [Mystery Plots?] [I used to get?].

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: But I don’t think they’re going to be on the mid-term. And if they are I’ll just study those and take it again later this week. But a box in Mystery Plots seem absolutely useless.

THERAPIST: Anything that you feel… anything that it would be helpful for the guy to tell you about? [0:44:00]

CLIENT: Thing is I’ve got the practice test in front of me. You know, if I have to look over and like, “I don’t see boxing Mystery Plots on here.” You know. And I don’t see chapter [unclear], and what’s wrong with using chapter 11.

THERAPIST: Oh, you don’t need… yeah, so you don’t need to go over that.

CLIENT: Yeah, [inaudible]. And what I know of this test I’ve taken once before, and like okay, I believe I can… I believe based on what I know I can actually answer these questions [forever and a day?], as long as it’s review them with the guy today and go immediately take the test and do the same problems with different numbers.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: Anyway, then from there I’m taking two tests and then go see Hamish, boom, buy a quarter of weed and then just go home. And wake up tomorrow morning, do a voice reel, send that to Tim. You know. Write out a cover letter. They’re a web [unclear] camping out here, it’s like number 2 Providence best place to work?

THERAPIST: What is it called…

CLIENT: [] Yeah, they build website solutions. And like, oh, these people have an open position. Maybe you’ll [unclear], like maybe you’re awesome at something. So I’ll write my cover letter and just be like, balls to wall [from now on?], the guy doesn’t fuck around. It’s like, “What are you?” “Hi, my name’s Fred Reeves, I am an intellectual force multiplier.” I’m like, “All you need to do is have me on your team and your stuff will get better. I don’t know what my title should be. I think it should be Fixer. I think that’s as close as you’re going to get to what I actually do.” You know. You can call me Solutions Architect, but that’s in the tech world in building help desks. That’s what I do. That’s what I do. I make your shit better. Every time. You’re still good Thursday, right? [0:46:10]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, I’m here till… the two days I’ve gone is the 17th and the 20th.

CLIENT: Right, all right. So…

THERAPIST: Yeah, we’ll meet on the 21st.

CLIENT: It’s amazing how they linger.

THERAPIST: What are your other thoughts? Yeah, what did you have left?

CLIENT: Well, those are the two, and they’re still there.

THERAPIST: The plan?

CLIENT: The plan and the CNR.

THERAPIST: What’s the CNR?

CLIENT: It’s the coefficient. Uh, it’s… yeah. N factorial over R factorial times N minus R factorial.

THERAPIST: What is that, you have to memorize that?

CLIENT: Well, the funny thing is no, it’s on the like list of formulas. But I wanted to know what it meant.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: Yeah, I wanted to know what it meant.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that’s tough if they don’t give you any kind of… there’s no class you can go to that really. [0:47:00]

CLIENT: No, but it is a self-directed learning center, right. Like it’s…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But yeah, I mean, it really is, I’m going to have to go in and sit down with the tutor. That’s what… [unclear] but you’re going to do all the homework. Like there is no homework, there’s no homework, and then you’re going to come in here and work with tutors. I’m like, “Fine.”

THERAPIST: I think a lot of people probably… or for whatever reason might not get a lot of help from the tutors when you have to.

CLIENT: Well, I used one and he didn’t know what to do. Like he was…

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Well, so they’re mostly here on work visas, so it wasn’t perfect, you know. And he’s looking at it, he couldn’t figure out why they marked it wrong when it was right, he was going over and over it. He’s like, “I don’t know, it looks right, but like I can’t figure it out.” I’m like, “It looks right because it is right. So stop trying to double check it.” He goes to the professor, he’s like, “I don’t know what to do with this.” The professor looks at it, he’s like, “They marked it wrong.” I’m like, “No, they didn’t mark this part right. There’s three parts to the question, I answered all three, they marked A and B correct and they forgot to put a red check next to C.” And that’s the problem.

THERAPIST: They got part C wrong. [0:48:25]

CLIENT: They just forgot to score something. They just forgot to be like, “Ah, correct.”

THERAPIST: Did they ever give you credit for it?

CLIENT: Yeah, I got three more points on it.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Whereas the other thing I lost eight points because I only should have gotten two points off.

THERAPIST: Two points off.

CLIENT: And now it’s too late to go back and like get a 98. So…

THERAPIST: Oh, you got a 90 on it?

CLIENT: [inaudible]

THERAPIST: On the stats?

CLIENT: Yeah, on the first test.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Then a 36 on the second, and a 46 currently on the third, but that’s because I went in having read one of the two chapters. So I got half the test…

THERAPIST: And you got a 90 too? [0:49:00]

CLIENT: Yeah. Yup.

THERAPIST: And now you have to do 3, 4…

CLIENT: I just have to do 3 and the mid-term today. So the way it’s… it all sounds so stupid, but test 3 is on chapters 4 and 5.

THERAPIST: Oh, I get it, okay.

CLIENT: Yeah. And the mid-term’s 1 through 5.

THERAPIST: Okay. Oh, so you had already studied 4 and just haven’t studied 5 yet. But now you’ve studied 5?

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. Most of it. But I also want to go over the practice test and be like, “And what’s this last thing.” So…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Nice.

CLIENT: That’s the plan. The plan must never fail. So… [0:50:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah, no, I have… I’ve never not been so sure about many things, but if you get the right kind of help you’ll get it. It’s not a problem.

CLIENT: I’m not even… it’s not…

THERAPIST: Or not a problem, it’s not…

CLIENT: Well, that’s the thing, it’s like it’s worth wading through, but like really what I found most frustrating was not like reading through the book, what I found frustrating was trying to do the problem and looking at the answer key and this answer key doesn’t make any sense. So how is this useful to me?

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: It’s referring to things I’ve never heard of.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

CLIENT: There was a question on one of them early on in chapter 3, this is the number 2 test, where it’s like, “Use such and such theorem to do such and such.” In chapter 3 they’re like, “This is what such and such theorem looks like.” It’s like, “We will cover how to use this in chapter 9.”

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So I’m like…

THERAPIST: Why’d they [unclear].

CLIENT: So why is this even a question, yeah. You know. Yeah. And so this is in the final thing, this is the night before last when I was up late watching Mr. Rogers give his testimony to the Congress again, you know, the best Mr. Rogers you’ve ever…

THERAPIST: I see. [0:51:10]

CLIENT: Yeah. So this [unclear] crying, you know. Because they’re like, “What do you do with the mad that you feel?”

THERAPIST: That’s great, I’ve seen that.

CLIENT: Yeah, it’s brilliant. I’ve watched it numerous, numerous times. Yeah, it’s a… And also [unclear]. But the funny thing about PBS and [Nova Sheet?], the remixes of those, they remix Mr. Rogers in opportune stuff. The same thing with Bob Ross.

THERAPIST: Oh, the painter?

CLIENT: Yeah, amazing. If you believe that you can do it, you can do it.

THERAPIST: All right.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. This is your world, you’re the creator. My freedom [inaudible].

THERAPIST: Well, all right, [unclear]. [0:52:00]

CLIENT: Thanks, man. I’ll do my best.

THERAPIST: What are you guys up to now in stats, what’s the last thing you guys studied?

CLIENT: Binomial and probabilities.

THERAPIST: Binomial and probabilities. All right.

CLIENT: Everything like that sounds more impressive than it is.

THERAPIST: That’s true. Just like anatomy.

END TRANSCRIPT