TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Well, let me tell you. Whoops, sorry. That was the wind.

THERAPIST: It’s because of the wind.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:00:09).

THERAPIST: Let’s enjoy this weather while we have it for the next day.

CLIENT: (chuckling) Yea. Is it going to get nasty tomorrow?

THERAPIST: It’s supposed to. I know because Tuesday or Wednesday was supposed to get down to the 30s again, 30… low of 35.

CLIENT: Jesus. Mother fuckers.

THERAPIST: I know.

CLIENT: Jesus.

THERAPIST: Can you believe it?

CLIENT: New fucking England, man. What happened to Old England? (inaudible at 0:00:29) where it was.

THERAPIST: It’s the New England.

CLIENT: It’s the new global warmer polar vortex, New England. Apparently we all got fatter this year because of the polar vortex.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: That’s what some study Ginny heard on NPR.

THERAPIST: That makes sense.

CLIENT: Yea, because we all stayed indoors. So not only did Hank become too fat for his collar, almost strangled to death. Did I tell you that story?

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: Well, he’s been getting steadily fatter, right? He’s got one of those collars with the buckles on them. And so one night he was in bed with me. He’s like nuzzling up against my hand. [0:01:00] I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on?” He’s like nuzzling, nuzzling which was the collar in my hand. What’s going on? I’m like I can’t get any fingers under here. Most people get two fingers under a dog’s collar.

THERAPIST: Yea, right.

CLIENT: (crosstalk) I can’t get anything under there. So I’m like, oh, it’s just making like (makes squeaking noise) sound. I’m like, oh, fuck. OK. So I’m trying to undo this buckle.

THERAPIST: Poor guy.

CLIENT: So I was going to pull it tighter to unbuckle it. He’s like, “This is awful.” I’m like, “This is awful.” And so I finally get it off of him and for a week he didn’t get a collar. And Ginny is like, “Well, I’ll go get him another collar right away.” Because the next day she went and got another collar because she felt for some reason that I was like really needing him to have the collar. And we discussed. She’s like, “Maybe we should get him one of Pepper’s collars? It snaps together and it’s adjustable more easily.” I’m like, “Yea, that’s a great idea. We should do that.”

So the next day she comes back with this huge, heavy duty buckle. (chuckling) I’m like, “I can’t put this on him.” She’s like, “Well, I mean that… you can see the one that had the clip on it.” I’m like, “This is worse than the problem we had before.” [0:02:01]

THERAPIST: It’s just really heavy. Is that the…

CLIENT: Yea. I mean, the buckle was more complicated. It had like a path to like really injure him to take it off and get stuck. I’m like…

THERAPIST: Oh, I got it.

CLIENT: “…this is even worse than the problem we had. I don’t know why you did this.” And she’s like, “Well, I thought you wanted one.” I’m like, “Why did you think that? I don’t care if he doesn’t have a collar on for a week.” And she’s like, “Oh, well then I’ll return this one.” Like, “Great.” And she got an adjustable one. And I’m like, “What the fuck were you thinking? Why are you like, ‘Oh, I’ll just like get…’”

THERAPIST: She’s either thinking that you really wanted one?

CLIENT: Yea, yea. Fred really wants him to get a collar. She was like any collar, even one that’s worse than the one he had. What kind of thinking is that? That’s panic thinking is what it is.

THERAPIST: Panic thinking.

CLIENT: Like she’s afraid I’m going to have problems with her. “What’s wrong with Hank’s collar?” when I’ve never done that. I’ve never been like, “Where the fuck is Hank’s collar? Why didn’t you get it? Why do you think…” Well, we never even talked about we’re running out to get one. It wasn’t even things like, “Yea, OK. We’ll get one next time we go out and do errands, we’ll stop by Petco. Give her a collar like whenever.” [0:03:07] But then she’s like…

THERAPIST: It’s something, what about her being nervous and angry at you or something?

CLIENT: Yea. So I’ll go home and I’ll be like, “Where… why doesn’t Hank have a collar?” Like I just expect her to do this, right? And finally I talked to her.

THERAPIST: And she was hung over or something.

CLIENT: Right. Not during the day, though. She keeps pulling out this muscle in her back, right? And it’s often aggravated, as it turns out, when she picks up the laundry hamper, right, and brings it up or down the stairs which will tweak her back. And she’s in pain for days. She can’t turn her head right and needs still to go to the chiropractor and like for the massage guy. I’m like, “Got to take care of it. It’s really painful.” OK, fine. Great.

But then she’s like, “Oh, yea.” She goes, “Oh, hey. Could you carry this? My arm is kind of sore.” I’m like, “Oh yea, does it make your arm worse?” She’s like, “Oh, it usually sets my arm off.” I’m like, “OK, so now we have to have a discussion, right?” [0:03:57] I’m like, “From now on, if you’re going to lift something that’s going to hurt you, don’t lift it. Come to me and say, ‘Fred, will you please lift this?’” And she’s like, “OK. And next time your (inaudible at 0:04:09) hurts your back,” because my lower back, “you come tell me.” I’m like, “Fine. That seems equitable.” So neither of us will be stupid and lift things we shouldn’t be lifting. (pause)

THERAPIST: Well, don’t…

CLIENT: Well, it’s just that I think we just ignore it.

THERAPIST: …ignore your body. Don’t ignore it.

CLIENT: Yea. As intelligent as she is, which is incredible intelligent and very accomplished, it’s amazing how stupid she can be sometimes. And it’s always out of like some irrational belief that like she has to take action right away to fix what must be this colossal problem. And that’s the thing because I was always a sword for her to leap on real or imagined. And she’ll always…

THERAPIST: How does it… what does it affect? What do you notice about it? [0:05:01]

CLIENT: It irritates me.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I’m like, “Why are you doing this? You know it makes you unhappy.”

THERAPIST: She suffers with it.

CLIENT: Right. So like, “Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? I don’t understand.”

THERAPIST: Yea. In a way, too, does it make… does it kind of feel like… I was thinking about the collar and everything. Does it make you feel like, “What am I? Some sort of ogre or something?”

CLIENT: Well, yea. I mean, like, “Why are you acting like you’re afraid of me, right? Why are you acting like you’re afraid of me?” I have never hit her, right? I’ve never even come close to hitting her or talked about any indication. Those are the deal breakers we talked about if we’re getting married. It was like, yea, that makes perfect sense. If either one of us hits the other one, it’s over. That’s simple, right? (pause) [0:06:01]

THERAPIST: So why the hell is she so… yea.

CLIENT: And it’s from like six years ago back when I was unmedicated. I’m like putting the shelf down on the wrong shelf could send me into like a meltdown. And so she just walks on these eggshells. And she’s always like, “Oh well.” I keep on telling her, “You’re not going to set me off. What sets me off is you constantly being like, ‘Oh, you’re going to go crazy.’”

THERAPIST: That’s right.

CLIENT: I’m like, “Why did you do something stupid because you thought I might go crazy when I haven’t gone crazy in years?” It makes me feel like I’m still crazy.

THERAPIST: Yes. That’s exact… yea, that is…

CLIENT: And it’s just worse and worse every time she does something like that.

THERAPIST: Yea, her fear in that sense ends up making you feel like…

CLIENT: Yea. I’m like, “Why do you do stupid things? Why do you… when you know… you had to know this was stupid. You had to know this was the wrong collar to buy.”

THERAPIST: And then it makes… it’s like you’re saying, “It makes me feel like you’re sort of seeing me as some sort of…”

CLIENT: Right. [0:07:02]

THERAPIST: “…hair triggered, prone to violent kind of…”

CLIENT: And it’s like it didn’t have to… I’m not even… I’m just like… I’m like, “Why did you buy this?” And I’m like, “OK. Well, this is going to make it worse.” I’m like, “This is a worse thing.” And she’s like, “Fine. I’ll return them.” Like, “OK.” I was like, “I don’t know why you would have bought that given the story that we talked about. And we discussed that you get this other one why you would come home with something even more complicated and dangerous than what’s upstairs. I don’t know why you would do that.”

THERAPIST: Well, I think you’re right. But you right, though. It was because she was sort of… had some sort of sense…

CLIENT: She said, “Oh, I got to… Hank’s got to have the collar. Fred’s going to be real upset if Hank doesn’t have a collar.”

THERAPIST: Oh, and Fred’s just going to… that’s right.

CLIENT: Am I?

THERAPIST: I’m not (inaudible at 0:07:53).

CLIENT: Why is that supposedly true? I don’t know. Who knows? Maybe one time he didn’t have a collar and I was really worried that he didn’t have a collar. [0:08:02] And that made her get a new collar.

THERAPIST: Or ask me if I’m really worried about it.

CLIENT: Yea, or something. Who knows? Like just stop treating everything as priority one all the time. Every little thing is priority one. It’s like, “Stop. (pause) Stop making everything priority one. It’s not all an emergency.” (pause) On the other hand Blueberry and Strawberry Cough, two of the three strands I have right now, are both listed on Leafly as being good for bipolar disorder.

THERAPIST: On what? What is this now?

CLIENT: On Leafly.com. It’s a website dedicated… and have dispensaries around all over the place dedicated to chronic, like the medically… there’s various strains.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: Yea. And so the positive effects and the side effects and it’s pretty well trusted. And the…

THERAPIST: Well, what have you been feeling like? [0:09:04]

CLIENT: Well, I mean, good, right? That’s the thing. Generally good. I went to ALA on Saturday forgetting to take my afternoon anti-anxiety medicine. I’m like, oh, this is awful. And I was just there to see my buddy Pete because his booth, I was going to badger him and take a quick tour of like the advertising that is ALA. And…

THERAPIST: Because in there mostly to sell games.

CLIENT: Yea, mostly.

THERAPIST: And go to…

CLIENT: Yea, show off games that are coming out, something like that. And there’s talks and stuff but who gives a shit about those. But in any case, I used to go to his place and…

THERAPIST: Yea, and anxious.

CLIENT: It’s too many people. It’s too many people. And some of them are cosplaying which is cool and some of them thank God for it. Cosplaying is a video game character whose belt doesn’t come all the way down to the underwear like it should be. [0:10:18] It’s just played very realistically. So I swung by her area a few times. Thank God for her.

THERAPIST: What’s the character?

CLIENT: I don’t even fucking know.

THERAPIST: Oh, you don’t know.

CLIENT: It’s just like a character. Half her ass was covered. That’s the important thing. Lovely, absolutely lovely. So there’s that side. Every time I’m at ALA you see amazing things. So an amazing costume about this video game character. And other times you’re like, oh, there’s amazing costumes. It’s incredibly sexy video game characters. Yes, you did. You will look incredibly sexy wearing things that shouldn’t physically be possible. I know they’re taped onto your body. That’s the only way these things are holding up. And of course then you also see the men walking around in their G-string against their loin clothes and basically nothing else. [0:11:01] And you’re like, OK. Well, I mean, I guess that’s also… you’re also going to see that and that’s fine.

THERAPIST: All part of the soup.

CLIENT: It’s all part of the soup. Yea, exactly. And there’s no reason to be like, oh God. Oh, there’s near naked men. Oh gee. I’m a fucking theater major. None of this shit bothers me. (pause) You can’t be in theater and be at all like boobed-out (ph) about any other part of the gender or sexuality spectrum.

THERAPIST: That doesn’t… but that doesn’t (inaudible at 0:11:29).

CLIENT: Yea, it would be ridiculous. I mean, again when you’re with a group of people and you’re like look how easily we can break down who we are and become other people. It’s like all these other details are just… these are details. These are details of who you are. And…

THERAPIST: You can slip in and out of…

CLIENT: Yea, when Kyle is playing like the male lead or a magic (ph) lead which is a female, does that make him not gay? No. He’s still gay. But he’s just… how does he act straight? [0:12:01] Well, he doesn’t have to and that’s the key, I think. That’s one of the key things is people are always asking, “How do I play the gay character?” I’m like, “Well, there’s really two questions you could be asking. One is how do you play the stereotype that we’ve come to know and love in comedy? If that’s what you mean then just go watch some of that and imitate it. Flap your wrists around and go, ‘Ah,’ and use the voice of that. Appropriate various cultural things that aren’t yours and play with them, whatever. That’ll just be shit unless that’s what is called for and the play is telling people. And like fine.

But let’s say you’re asking a serious question. That’s the real question. “How do I play a homosexual character? I’m doing a drama. I’m not playing a flamboyant homosexual person but I am gay. How am I going to show the audience that I’m gay?” [0:12:59] It’s like, well, you’re not, right? It’s like you don’t play the fact that you’re a man. You don’t play that. That’s just you should know what that is intrinsically. You don’t play any of these things. You play the emotion, right? You play the reaction to the emotion that’s coming across. That’s what you play.

So if you’re playing that you’re in love, you should play that you’re in love. Like that’s… “But I can’t imagine what it would be like if that were a dude.” Of course you can. You’d just be like… it would be just like it is now when you’re in love with somebody else. Love is the same.

So I was having a conversation with Ginny. We went to see… I think it was… no, no. What did we go see? (pause) Was it Batman or was it… it was just Robocop. It was Robocop on Valentine’s Day. We went to see Robocop because Ginny and I don’t do Valentine’s Day. (inaudible at 0:13:52). So we went to see Robocop together. And we go there and we’re sitting there. It’s pretty sparse. You don’t expect a lot of couples to go to Robocop on Valentine’s Day. [0:14:01]

THERAPIST: (chuckling) Right.

CLIENT: But there are a lot of couples and a lot of dude/dude couples. And some were like bro dudes. And some guys were obviously there together. And I remember Ginny was like, “There’s a lot of like dude/dude couples here.” I’m like, “Yea.” I’m like, “Well, if we were gay this is what we would go see on Valentine’s Day.” She’s like, “Well, I don’t know.” Like, “What do you mean? Is there like some rom-com you’d rather go see right now or something?” She’s like, “No. But I don’t know what my taste would be like if I were gay.” But like, “What would I be like if I were gay?” You’d be like you are now. (chuckling) I was like, “Yea, I guess we’d see this.” She’s like, “Yea, I guess we’d see this.” So like right, we’d see this. (chuckling) What else would we see?

THERAPIST: Why do you… yea, why do you (inaudible at 0:14:43) changing who you are.

CLIENT: Yea, why would that suddenly change what we want to see? Exactly. It’s like, why would that…

THERAPIST: What category would change?

CLIENT: I’m gay. I don’t like Robocop anymore. Why? Why? Isn’t Robocop awesome, though? That’s why we’re here, I think. We’re here because…

THERAPIST: It doesn’t change who you are.

CLIENT: …we like explosions and we like Robocop. We like Robocop. That’s why these guys are all here.

THERAPIST: I’m still the same. [0:15:01]

CLIENT: Yea, it’s why all these other gay guys are here. And so it’s amazing. They’re just like us and you can’t tell which ones were which unless they’re kissing each other. And then you can at least say, well, they’re in the homosexual end of the spectrum. One of them might be bisexual or the other. Who knows? We can’t even tell. There’s just the fact that it doesn’t even matter. And that’s just…

THERAPIST: It doesn’t change who you are.

CLIENT: It has no effect on your character. It has no effect on your character. So therefore, it is irrelevant.

THERAPIST: Just go on being. (pause)

CLIENT: It’s a cool label we throw on things for various reasons for easier identification. Like oh, those two guys are gay. Oh, OK. So they have sex only with men and they’re not interested in woman. OK, so it’s an easy qualifier for us. Fantastic. And it would add to its own value, too. It’s simply a category we put each other in. And put each other in categories…

THERAPIST: Oh, you’re right. Yea, it shapes… it can shape you’re whole sort of… somehow the whole identity starts from there in a way with heterosexuals. [0:16:04]

CLIENT: Well, yea. (inaudible at 0:16:03) thinking those are…

THERAPIST: It doesn’t really do.

CLIENT: Yea, right. Exactly. As if that quality, it’s like it defines them. It’s like, no, that’s just a genetic switch. That’s like roughly 10% of a dominant species and the other 5% asexual or infertile or just so… or maybe a pedophile. So I don’t know how it works. Roughly 15% of the population or the breeding pool, like that’s nature. That’s… it’s the most natural thing in the world. I mean, there you go. It’s like homosexuality happens because of evolution. It still works. Go to the species or wouldn’t be here anymore. (pause)

I’ve always been curious about genetic engineering. What the (inaudible at 0:16:58) will be. (inaudible at 0:17:00) and be like, oh, homosexuality maybe have been beforehand. What happens to homosexuals then? People are like, “I get to choose.” Some of them make laws. I’m like, well, no. Some things you can’t change. And I’m like, oh, that’s interesting. Why? So, well, because it becomes the core to a person. Interesting. And how will we place value on what these things are and why will we value? It’s one of those arguments that we’ll make about keeping genes out of the species. We’re like, “Which genes do we get rid of and which ones should we keep and why?” And then that’s a fascinating question. What will we all become like? Who knows? So hopefully we’ll all be dead before that happens but it’s unlikely.

THERAPIST: But what about the anxiety at the ALA?

CLIENT: Oh, sure.

THERAPIST: What did you notice, the crowds?

CLIENT: By the end of it I realized I was subvocalizing, “Got to get out of here. Got to get out of here,” without pretending to say it out loud. I’m like, OK, now I definitely need to get out of here. [0:18:05]

THERAPIST: Was it anything about the… seeing the woman and all the others?

CLIENT: No. It was just too many people. It was that I can bust through a crowd pretty easily in most cases, in a decent size crowd like a Christmas shopping crowd on Black Friday. I can bust through that pretty quickly, right? I square off. I stop caring about anybody and I walk forward. And pass through them, right? And that’s easy. And you look for where openings are and you look for where the people are going because you meet your eyes and look away in turn, right? You avoid the larger masses because they’re not moving for anyone but themselves, right? So… and that’s how you navigate.

And I can do that at ALA until the day started picking up. And then nobody can see you and then you’re just part of the mass. And half of you are moving this way and half of you are moving this way. People are bumping into you so you’re constantly checking your wallet and your phone. [0:19:02] And OK, like contact is being made. Are these pickpocket attempts? These (inaudible at 0:19:08) considered in a crowd this size. How can I get out? I want to move faster yet I’m unable to. I’m just not part of this herd.

THERAPIST: Oh, so kind of feeling more trapped. There’s a… crowds bring with it a sense of being trapped and…

CLIENT: Oh, certainly. And to the point where you’re like there was the booth for the guys who wanted to talk to you about their games and maybe like people that would hire me. But it was all too much. I couldn’t go there and pretend to be something like…

THERAPIST: Yea, not pretend to be… what? Like high alert.

CLIENT: Like I hate this.

THERAPIST: “I hate this.”

CLIENT: Exactly. Like this is… I’m obviously on edge.

THERAPIST: Readiness. Like psychological readiness and someone might take your wallet. [0:20:09]

CLIENT: Well, they might.

THERAPIST: And what about the… yea, sure. Well, yea. But what about the crowds themselves being in that herd? What does that bring up?

CLIENT: Assessment, constant assessment. Who is the weakest? Who are the threats? What is… what am I moving through, right? Can I move this guy? Is this guy aware that I’m here? Is he going to gesture wildly? If he does, where will his elbow be, right? That sort of… I move through the crowd with that. With the suspicion that nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing, right? That they might gesture wildly and accidentally hit someone in the face, right? That people don’t always look where they’re going when they’re changing direction. The rules of the crowd are clear but people will forget those and try to move across or in the opposite direction. [0:21:01]

And these are simple assessments and again, the constant checking of one’s valuables. The trying to make sure you’re navigating correctly. Which booth are we in? They all look so similar. Oh, good. These are the guys selling t-shirts. That means I’m about to see the fox ass girl again. Here we go. Well, that’s nice. That was good. Just a…

THERAPIST: A little relief there.

CLIENT: …little relief in the middle of the day. (pause) And I finally get out of that area, of the Expo area, where it’s all just like video games and loud noises and people shoutcasting and just noise, noise, noise, noise. There’s always useless noise, useless noise, useless noise. And it’s like the non-dramatized version of Sherlock Holmes and Robert Downey is Sherlock Holmes, right? [0:22:00] You know where like he goes to a restaurant and the…

THERAPIST: I didn’t see it.

CLIENT: Oh. He goes to a restaurant and he sits down. He’s waiting for Watson. And it’s just the moments he was waiting and just rapid fire shots. Everything is going on in the restaurant all the conversations, all the little details, everything happening, right because he’s Sherlock Holmes. He sees everything.

THERAPIST: And all that’s important.

CLIENT: So Sherlock Holmes also has the ability to see and process it all, right? And even at that, he pushed into his limits. Tries to shut down and he wants to…

THERAPIST: What?

CLIENT: He wants to turn it off but he can’t.

THERAPIST: Wow. Is that right? That’s what happens and he wants to shut that all off.

CLIENT: He wants to be able to but he can’t. And so there’s that aspect of it is that I am taking in all of the information. I don’t process it as well as Sherlock Holmes does because he’s a fictional character.

THERAPIST: Yea, that’s exactly right. He’s fictional. [0:23:02]

CLIENT: Right. At the same I can’t turn it off, right? It’s like these are the things I’m constantly looking at. I’m like, OK, here’s another big fat guy whose arms and gestures will be right lateral elbow to my nose so be wary of this. I cross corners this way very often.

THERAPIST: That is such a wonderful depiction of a terrible state.

CLIENT: Is it really? (chuckling)

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: This way or this way.

THERAPIST: Wondering what’s coming at you and all the sensory input.

CLIENT: Just in case. If someone is going to grab you in a corner, you want this arm up take that first arm that’s coming across your chest. Actually gives you the brachial stunt (ph).

THERAPIST: This is what like veterans of war talk about.

CLIENT: Well, right.

THERAPIST: It’s exactly it.

CLIENT: Yea, because you just walk through and everything is a threat essentially.

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: And the more people there are the more likely that one of them is crazy or careless or…

THERAPIST: Because you see it.

CLIENT: …altered or drunk.

THERAPIST: Because the veteran of war or the veteran of a situation like yours is seeing the crazy and knows it’s in there. [0:24:06]

CLIENT: Once you see the crazy, there’s no going back.

THERAPIST: You don’t want to see it anymore.

CLIENT: It’s so true. Once you see it, you can’t take it back. There was this game we used to play in college called Call of Cthulhu based off the works of H.P. Lovecraft who’s a New England horror writer. So we play Call of Cthulhu and I love the game because after you played it a while you realize what the joke of the game is. It has those complicated rules, what you make your character and those were all just there to make, you the player, feel better. The game is a game where you are going to be killed. No matter what your human stats are or what abilities you’re able to gain as a human being will not be enough for demons and elder gods. Like it’s just the rules are just to make you feel better as you watch your characters die, one after the other.

But there’s this idea that you have sanity points. And as you lose them you start to develop neuroses and phobias and stuff. [0:25:03] And it’s on a scale from 1 to 100. And depending on where you’re stats, start with a higher or lower sanity. And most will start around 70 to 80 sanity. No one is really perfectly all there.

THERAPIST: A hundred is the highest you can go for sanity.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:25:13). Every now and then you get somebody who is like, wow, what was your (inaudible at 0:25:16)? This guy has got 100 sanity. It’s like too bad he’s going to get eaten before he goes insane which what does that mean? So… but there was one guy, he was really dumb. He got his shotgun so we kept him with us. And he found this mask and he took it with him on one of these adventures.

And adventures later, so it’s kind of getting kind of hairy. So he’s like, all right, I’ll put on the mask. And Rich, during the game, “What mask are you talking about?” And he’s like, “The mask we found at the place.” And Rich was like, “Oh.” And he goes through the books just looking through his notes and looking at his stuff. He’s like, “Oh, I see.” Roll some dice. He’s like, “You see the following vision.” [0:26:00] He explains like this vision of seeing like the creation of the universe by elder gods and he’s like, “OK, now take 80 points.” And he’s like, “Eighty points of damage? That’s so much damage. And these are 80 points of sanity. And it puts me at -40.” He’s like, “All right, so you’re in a drooling heap in the corner.”

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Yea. (chuckling) And that’s it. Once seen, the effects (inaudible at 0:26:24) cannot be unseen.

THERAPIST: Putting on the mask.

CLIENT: Putting on the mask. This is some magical whatever. The idea being that once seen it can never be unseen.

THERAPIST: Your brain turns into mush.

CLIENT: In that game you can go to therapy…

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: …to get some sanity points back. Nothing… he’s not coming back, though from negative.

THERAPIST: From -40, you’re gone.

CLIENT: You’re gone. You’re gone. So he made a new character. And then later the rabbi shot my character. I made a new character. [0:27:00] Anyway…

THERAPIST: What was the name of that game?

CLIENT: Call of Cthulhu. It’s quite a game so… yea, anyway, yea. The PTSD, had I had my anti-anxiety meds, what would that have been like? I don’t know.

THERAPIST: What do you think?

CLIENT: If I’d just taken two of those for going in, I might have spent my… whatever. “What’s up babe? What’s going on with you?”

THERAPIST: It does work.

CLIENT: “Hi. Good to see you.” It just… it turns that shit off.

THERAPIST: How much does it turn it off?

CLIENT: Well, just like I take one milligram a day right now one in the evening, one in the morning so one in the morning, one in the afternoon. That’s all I do. And that just makes things generally easier. (pause) But like when I know stress is coming up, I’ll take two because as long as I take less than six a day, I’m fine.

THERAPIST: And it’ll be… it’ll turn like… if you’re at ALA yesterday, how… what percentage will you feel that same experience if you’ve taken two? [0:28:07]

CLIENT: Oh, I don’t know, maybe as low as 30%.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: Being more like… because it makes me aware of things. Like, oh, right. These are things that I’m worried about. And why should I be worried about those? It gives me that healthy illusion buffer everyone gets. It’s like everything is probably going to be fine.

THERAPIST: It turns off a lot of that staying on.

CLIENT: Well, and in fact central limit theorem in workematics tells us everything probably will be fine for the most part.

THERAPIST: Yea, that’s right.

CLIENT: Everything is pretty much going to be fine. Ah, that’s comforting. Work proves that everything is generally going to be fine. I did some work this weekend. I bought these dice, these custom dice they make for the war machine game I play, right? Where it’s like (inaudible at 0:28:51) trolls. So these dice are colored like the troll colors. It’s like, OK, that’s nice.

Now Victor has complained that some of these dice are poorly designed and that they’re weighted improperly such that they roll higher 6s more often than they should. [0:29:05] So I’m like, OK Victor. That maybe Victor being the sour grapes but also Victor has an eye for probability in dice work and he knows this stuff really well. So if he’s noting that maybe a broken pattern, it’s something they can look at. So I pull two random samples of 30 samples each of rolling dice. I calculate their mean and I calculate that mean against the Z-score. I turned that mean into a Z-score and I calculate that against the curve and see with a 5% level of significance if those results are realistic or hypothesis or something. Yes, my dice are (inaudible at 0:29:44).

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: Both of them were in one standard deviation. One was almost exactly on standard deviation of 10.5. It was 11 or mean rather. So I was like, yea. This is… and the deviation was 3.97. So 11 was like 8.0 something. So this is fine.

THERAPIST: It’s well within the standard deviation. [0:30:02]

CLIENT: Yea, it’s well within the standard, two of the samples. So now given that so since each factory dice are different, we should test those. We should take a look and roll those. And it should be any three of the five that comes in the pack. It’s all machine made. They are made by the same exact machine. They should all be exactly the same except for the defects which are thrown out of the lab, the ones that would be obvious to us. But that’s what we’ll do. Scott has been winning a lot more since he bought those special dice. So unlikely. Scott doesn’t win very often.

THERAPIST: Yea, you get it off a TTest (inaudible at 0:30:41). A T-Test.

CLIENT: Yea, exactly that. Exactly that. And the thing is, though, but it’s a… it doesn’t have to be a T. Just goes straight to Z-score because it’s a normal distribution. Dice are straight on the normal curve.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So you can just take a sample 30 and you’ll get the mean, the normal distribution as long as you pull from a normal distribution. [0:31:10] And there you go.

THERAPIST: Cool.

CLIENT: You can do anything. You can do anything.

THERAPIST: That’s great.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 0:31:15) and now it means this. Apples and oranges. Are you a better apple than you are an orange? This is a better example of an apple and a better example of an orange. We can tell you this mathematically.

THERAPIST: You can’t use that for that final project, can you? That’s a great example.

CLIENT: No. Yea, that’d be great. I just had to answer questions.

THERAPIST: Oh, so it’s two questions. That’s right.

CLIENT: Yea. And they’ve got multipart answers.

THERAPIST: They said… it’s already asked for.

CLIENT: Exactly. But I’m like this is fun stuff I can do with work. Victor, I texted him. I was like, “So I took something seriously I tested it on the troll blood dice. And so with these like I’m fine.” And he’s like, “Those are (inaudible at 0:31:50).” And he said, “So what was your P value? I’m like, “P value?” And he’s like, “Yea, like…” I’m like, “Oh, oh. Like alpha.” He’s like, “Yea, alpha.” It was 0.05. [0:32:03]

THERAPIST: But it didn’t come anywhere close to that.

CLIENT: Anywhere close to that. Anywhere close to that. So… and it would have to be pretty close for this to be like if I ever get (inaudible at 0:32:13) fucked up so badly. If they run the dice, if they did the test to see if they were fair dice after we modeled them, right? Like that’s unlikely that would matter.

THERAPIST: That’s some variance. Right.

(crosstalk)

CLIENT: But now we can tell you for sure if it’s real or not.

THERAPIST: That is the best way to learn that stuff.

CLIENT: Well, yea. That’s like there’s a way my dad taught me to add quickly. I add faster than I subtract which was funny because it took me years to realize that it’s just addition in reverse. And division is multiplication in reverse. It’s just like just do it the other way. And subtraction was an issue. In any case it doesn’t matter. So he taught me how to add quickly with playing Blackjack. [0:32:59] He’s like here’s the numbers and numbers are symbols. He’s like, “Oh, see numbers as symbols. Add to this number. So if you get stuck, you count all the symbols up and that how the numbers are written.”

THERAPIST: Oh, yea. Because like…

CLIENT: Because like a seven and the three, like there’s three things here and seven things here. So if you don’t what seven and three are, just count them all up and we’re at ten. It’s like, right. Seven plus three is ten. I’m like, oh, OK. That’s what he said. So you add it quickly. So Blackjack and it’s probably based on probability as well. (pause)

But I like that. I like the idea that I can go like, “Scott, there’s a suspicion that your dice are incorrectly weighted,” and be like, “Well, we can put this rumor to rest immediately. It’s very simple. We’re going to take two samples of 30 rolls each. We’re going to assess their means. We’re going to see what they look like. And if they’re even slightly suspicious we’re going to pull some further tests and see what else we find.” But if they’re not, if they’re clearly come back that they’re fine, then hey, you just become a better player if you do. [0:34:03]

THERAPIST: (chuckling) Yea, you just got to… right. Because it’s still roll based is a lot of it then.

CLIENT: Oh yea. Roll more dice. That’s the rule in a lot of these games. Just roll more dice.

THERAPIST: What?

CLIENT: Well, but… so they were playing that. I saw a couple of these guys there, my friends. They’re playing War Machine. I’m like, “Oh cool. You guys. Hey, how’s it going?” They go, “Hey, cool.” I’m like, “Oh, that’s the brother of [], the guy who is with the company I want to work for.” Like if I meet with him and I’m like, “Oh, OK. I need a find a way to get somewhere else then. I’ll see you guys later. Goodbye.”

A gift I have is the ability to leave. Just like (snaps fingers) and I’m out. Just drop everything and go. That’s my father’s poem. I never know when I’m going to leave. I just go. [0:35:01] And I lived that for a long time. I didn’t know when I was going to leave. I would just go. Something would take over and it’s just a voice of like, “The cops are coming to this party.”

THERAPIST: Oh, is that right?

CLIENT: And was that psychic? No. That was my subconscious being like, “OK, so you’re in an area of town where there are parties. Yours is particularly loud and it’s a Thursday night. The frats aren’t going. Usually frats in this area, the cops will be in this area at this time. They’re going to be suspicious about us especially with the fact that it smells like weed. If they’re looking through the windows they’ll see some people are naked. So there’s a good potential that this going to get out of hand. I’m gone.” And the people eventual realized when Fred leaves a party, go. Like if Fred just suddenly is like up and gone at a party, it’s probably a good idea to go. And for a while it was this mystic thing we could do. It’s like… and like no, I just think I know when it’s time to go and then I go.

THERAPIST: Well, it’s the… it’s one, imagination and two, taking in a lot of information. [0:36:01]

CLIENT: I was very good at it. The best, we were walking with Steve and Diego and Georgia and Steve scored a (inaudible at 0:36:09) and we were going down to the rock garden. We’re going to smoke some in the rock garden. It’s a little secluded and kind of dark and no big deal. It was late at night. Campus security, they’ve got a few guys, whatever. We don’t give a shit.

So we’re walking and we’re walking. And I’m in the back of the crowd and they turn to go into the rock garden. And I’m like, nope. And I just keep walking. So they all go into the rock garden and I just continue to walk. I walk down the street and I loop around this other building. So I’m coming back up from the parking lot so I get a view of what’s going on in the rock garden. And there’s some security guards in there trying to flash lights on my friends. Like, “What the fuck are you guys doing?” and like taking the weed away from them. And that all goes away and I walk up. They’re like, “What the fuck happened to you?” I was like, “I had a bad feeling about it so I left.” (chuckling) [0:37:01]

THERAPIST: They suffered from… I was watching the… have you heard of this new documentary? Maybe it’s not that new but it was on Donald Rumsfeld that Errol Morris did. Errol Morris is great. He… and… but what… it was a really interesting documentary about Rumsfeld and his mind. It was fascinating. But among the things that he said that Rumsfeld was talking about was like how suffering, like getting attacked is tantamount to the… well, like Pearl Harbor. He could see it being a failure of the United States intelligence imagination. We didn’t think of it ahead of time.

CLIENT: Right. The thing they could’ve done.

THERAPIST: That they could’ve done. And I was thinking about your ability. You do not suffer from the failure of imagination. (chuckling)

CLIENT: I try not to. It’s a trick. It’s a trick. And you have to… the price of freedom is constant vigilance. [0:38:02] And whether this is true or not, so dead man say, right, it’s stems from applications empirically at least in my life. So Buttons (ph), yea. So that’s my life. Yea, that’s my life, dude. I live parts of it in fear if I forget to take my meds. I have my whole bottle of meds with me today. I still need to call my psychiatrist and get a psychiatrist.

THERAPIST: Yea, how are you feeling about that, about meeting somebody new?

CLIENT: I guess it’s just like I’m ready to go into the whole like, “All right, are you legit? Do you know what’s going on? Like what are we doing here? Will you listen to me when I tell the effects marijuana has on me, these particular strains. Like are you going to listen to me about that or are you going to say, ‘Well, no. This one book said it never works so therefore it never works,’” right?

THERAPIST: Oh, I see. [0:39:00]

CLIENT: “Do we have to go through lithium with you? Can I tell you my experiences? Can I just tell you my limits and be like, ‘No, anything that takes my hands, fucking forget it.’?”

THERAPIST: Well, a way you can think of it as is really… and that this is what these things used to be more of was… it was the spirit of a consultation where you go in as a customer.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: A consumer saying, “Here’s what I’m going through.”

CLIENT: Here’s what I’m looking for.

THERAPIST: “Here’s what I’m looking for. What do you think? Tell me what your take on it is?” If you don’t like what he’s got to sell you, you don’t have to buy.

CLIENT: I don’t have to buy it. I can go someplace else.

THERAPIST: That’s true.

CLIENT: There’s this place up here in Providence. It’s a private clinic. It’s $200 membership a year. They take all of the health insurance. You’re a customer. You pay $200 a year. You’re part of this special network of doctors and the doctors can communicate with you and be there for you and blah, blah, blah. [0:40:02] I’m like, really. That’s interesting. So if I’m clearly a paying customer do I get to say, “Hey, my doctor keeps pressuring me when wife is going to have kids.”? I don’t really think that’s appropriate so…

THERAPIST: What? What’s that?

CLIENT: Well, my doctor. She’s like…

THERAPIST: Oh, yea. Right.

CLIENT: So my doctor… also my doctor wants to discuss my religious beliefs. I don’t think that’s appropriate. I would like to complain.

THERAPIST: Why would they… why would she do that?

CLIENT: Because she’s a little…

THERAPIST: She’s just nosy?

CLIENT: She’s a little Christ lady. I don’t know. I mean, because it’s all she can envision. It’s like she’s saying, “I guess it’s weird for me because in my culture people get married to have children.” I’m like, “That’s an interesting, different culture you have than mine where that is not the case.”

THERAPIST: Why would she even talk to you about that?

CLIENT: Why would that even come up? Why would that even come up? Oh, don’t tell me you’re an atheist.” Why? OK, are we’re going to have this conversation? And I said to her, “Are we going to have this conversation?” I’m like, “If I’m being intellectually honest, I’m agnostic. And so is everybody else because there’s no way for any of us to know about this.” [0:41:06] And she’s like, “I know blah, blah, blah.” I’m like, “We could actually… like I could rip your faith apart here if this is what you like. If that’s what is important to you, I can take your fragile little irrational system in which you behave rationally I assume.” And that’s the terrifying part of it is that the people who have these irrational systems but are rational people like most people behaving rationally within an irrational system therefore making irrational choices.

THERAPIST: Oh, yea.

CLIENT: And you can’t fault them for making because like this is the correct choice. Even what I know of the universe or given what I claim to know about the universe, as my parents did before me, this is how I should behave when in fact this is bad information. I do this all the time because as an actor a game I like to play was Reality which where I will decide to leave something. [0:42:06] Something ridiculous, something absurd. But I would just believe it and then I would it to somebody. And they would be like, “Wow, really?” I’d be like, “No, of course not.” But it was real to them.

THERAPIST: Oh, I see.

CLIENT: Because I believed it when I said it. If you can manufacture sincerity you can manufacture anything, right? The key… but again the key to manufacturing society for real is to actually be sincere, just the best long term goal. So… but still it was a game I would play because I could do it. I could just believe anything and tell people it and be like, “Wow. It’s amazing. Blah, blah, blah.” And be like, “No, it’s not real.” When I was younger I forgot and I didn’t know how form the most important part of the rule of this game which I know play by strictly. Because I still play the game especially with new people and young people because they don’t know the game yet. They don’t know that they’re playing. [0:43:02]

Like with Eva one day, she’s like, “Uncle Fred, you’re a kidder.” I’m like, “Yes. That is perhaps the most important thing you can learn about me right now.” And one day I was kidding. I’m like, “I’m going to push you into this cage with the animals.” She’s like, “No.” I’m like, “OK, Eva. You need to know something. If ever I say I’m going to do something that would actually cause you harm or endanger you in any way you should know that I’m kidding. I would never do that.” She’s like, “Oh, OK.” So don’t sweat it. “I’m never going to push you in the cage. It’s never going to happen.” (chuckling) But I’d say, “Wouldn’t it be funny if I did? Wouldn’t it be crazy?”

THERAPIST: Do we play with that?

CLIENT: Yea. Like, “Wouldn’t it be insane if I pushed you in the cage? That’d be awful. What kind of person would I be?” And I guess, to me, that’s funny. It’s like, “Can you imagine how funny it would be if I were insane like that?” But I mean it’s not funny to everybody. Regardless. But the new rule that I’ve added to my game is you never let anyone leave the room with bad information, right? [0:44:05] You don’t let them leave the room still believing the crazy thing you made up.

THERAPIST: That it’s just play. It’s a game.

CLIENT: It’s a game. It’s like, “Hey, by the way. No, that wasn’t real.”

THERAPIST: The game is over.

CLIENT: That wasn’t real.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:44:16).

CLIENT: Don’t go somewhere thinking that was real and then tell that to somebody else. That’s… I just… I was just playing around. I was playing. And that has happened today. I can’t remember what it was. I just made up something. Yea, blah, blah, blah, blah. And among my friends, I was making it up. I’m like… and Leif is like, “Oh wow. That was real interesting.” I stopped and I put my hand on his leg. I was like, “Well Leif, you do know I was making that up. I can’t let you leave the room, Leif, believing that’s true.” We’re all laughing because I’m like, “I’m sorry. And just to be clear, not true. Not true at all.” (chuckling)

Although I know it sounded real when I said it. I was thinking about it the other day. Oh, there’s this game I used to like to play in college. And I think about it. I’m like there was a game I liked to play. More like that was a game I played. I played Reality. [0:45:05] Not everyone else played Reality. Every now and then we’d play Reality with other actors. You play reality with Steve and Steve can play Reality better than anybody. Steve was the teacher, the acting instructor. He played Reality scary well. He’s the only person I would play Reality with and bow out. I’d be like, “You win. You win Reality,” because whatever it was, whatever you believed, he would believe something that made sense and believe just as sincerely (inaudible at 0:45:36).

THERAPIST: He was your match.

CLIENT: Oh, he was… yea, a match made. He could believe more deeply and sincerely and react incredibly well to whatever was happening. Like complete emotional honesty. His ego was fluid and also it was a drama department. So there was drama because everyone is shaping and (inaudible at 0:46:06) every day. Everyone was learning like (inaudible at 0:46:09) or anything they could be and like everything is fluid.

And especially if you’re bipolar, shit is just fucking insane. You’re becoming people. You’re riding off this high of people. Well, you have crowds. So different from now today. When I had crowds then, I would pull the crowds together. I’d be a focal point of crowds and people would just watch. I would become a one man show.

And wherever I was, at parties people were just like… people would circle around and like watch and listen to me talk and just tell stories. And I was like, “This is a story of love, sex and violence in the second grade.” People would be like listen. I’d tell the story of Monica and how she told me I’d never love her again. I was like, “This is a story of love, sex and violence in the third grade.” And I told the story of Sarah, my girlfriend at the time and how I dumped her. And how her friends then chased me around and thought I could keep her for a while. [0:47:02] Anyway but I told these stories and be these people. But we didn’t trust Steve because Steve played with Reality except he wouldn’t tell you when you left the room that it wasn’t real.

THERAPIST: Oh, yea. He wouldn’t stop playing.

CLIENT: Yea. Well, he would tell people…

THERAPIST: That it was a game.

CLIENT: …what made sense at the time for them to hear so they would let him be. So he would tell people, “Oh yea, you’re going to be part of this show in this way.” And then he would not do that. And so people (inaudible at 0:47:34) Steve lies. And I came to him one day and I’m like, “This is what is happening. We don’t trust you. Here’s why we don’t trust you blah, blah, blah, blah, this whole sort of thing. And I just need to get this done. You need to get this done. It’s like we don’t have time for any of this bullshit.” And he starts… he’s talking. He’s crying. He’s like, “Because this is like I can’t… I’m really upset that I’ve affected people this way.” I’m like, “Steve, we both know you can turn that on and off.”

THERAPIST: Oh, the crying? [0:48:03]

CLIENT: He stops. He’s like, “No, you’re right.”

THERAPIST: How about that? Still playing.

CLIENT: And he immediately stops crying. And he’s like, “No, you’re right.” I’m like, “OK. So we understand what’s going on here.” He’s like, “Yea.”

THERAPIST: Still playing.

CLIENT: And so we just… from that point on, it was fine. It was like, “Steve, you’re playing. I’m playing. We’re playing two different games.”

THERAPIST: But he’s always playing.

CLIENT: And so I was always playing.

THERAPIST: Or maybe (ph).

CLIENT: And so I started fighting. And then I started fighting. And he’d come to look at my senior project while I was doing my senior project. I’m like, “I don’t want you here.” And he’s like, “Well, I have to watch you do it.” I’m like, “I don’t want you here. I’m doing my… this is what I’m doing.” He’s like, “I’m going to grade you.” Like, “Watch the show. Tell me if it’s good.”

THERAPIST: Because what, he’d give you…

CLIENT: There was a point at which I was like… at that point I was like, “I don’t need your approval anymore. You can pretend to care about me. You can pretend to care about me. And so why should I believe anything you had to say?” [0:49:05] And people, they fall apart. They fall apart. Yea, playing a game called Reality. And yea, I was very different. I used to drive.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Yea. I’m an excellent driver.

THERAPIST: I didn’t notice that. Is it the… you think it was…

CLIENT: Part of it is the city. Part of it was just the… like there’s too much going on all of sudden. But I would drive from Melody down to Penelope’s place like twice a week for my sessions with her. And I’d be driving out of there during rush hour. Driving out of Providence in rush hour is ridiculous. There’s this sort of like, OK. We know there aren’t enough lanes and we know they don’t make sense. Some of us know this ahead of time. You’re learning quickly. Which lane are you going to get into? How are you going to tell me you’re going to get into my lane? [0:50:05] How do I make sure I don’t kill you and not be killed by you? Like this is all moving very quickly.

THERAPIST: Yea, she was over on, what?

CLIENT: Yea, way out that way. And once you cross the bridge into Georgetown, it’s just easy sailing. It’s like we’re on like whatever. But once you’re in Providence it’s kill or be killed. When I realized that, that’s when I was like, OK, now go drive like a Providence driver which is aggressively, right, and with consistence. And that’s what the other drivers on the road want to know is that you’re serious. It’s like, “No, I’m taking this lane right now. It’s happening. So don’t speed up. Don’t slow down. I’m getting into this space. You left a space and now it’s mine.” (pause)

THERAPIST: Well, I know we got to stop in a sec but what did you start to notice? There was more… how did you put it there? That you used to… driving was different then because there was there was less going on.

CLIENT: I guess. [0:51:06] I drove on the back roads or on the highways. I drive mostly on back streets when I drive but I drive very well. My reaction time is amazing. My reflexes have saved me from multiple car accidents. It’s…

THERAPIST: Are you saying, though, that now it’s too much? It’s just like too much stuff.

CLIENT: It’s just…

THERAPIST: Too much anxiety about or something?

CLIENT: Yea, I can’t even get in the car on that side. I’m like, I don’t… even when I’m like, yea, I could drive to the corner. It’d take me only ten minutes. And then it was like I don’t… I’ll walk 25 minutes today instead of taking 7 minutes to drive there.

THERAPIST: And did anything happen or anything that kind of…

CLIENT: I don’t know. I think when I started smoking weed a lot I was worried I’d get pulled over at some point and be like, “Oh, you’re smoking weed the past day or something. So now you’re going to jail or something.” And then weed has given me an excuse not to have to drive. It’s like, oh, I can’t possibly drive too stoned. But then I was driving for a while when I was working at Melody. [0:52:00] But I had a very specific route it took from Melody to my house which was most back streets, avoiding most lights, avoiding most people. It took me 17 minutes of the day but like…

THERAPIST: I see. Yea.

CLIENT: But it kept me safe. The fewest possible points of failure. The fewest possible points of failure. It’s probably why I’m not a joiner.

THERAPIST: So what did you… did you end up talking to (inaudible at 0:52:32)?

CLIENT: No, he wasn’t there.

THERAPIST: Oh, the guy that… your contact over there.

CLIENT: Yea, he wasn’t there. So I have to e-mail him this week. OK, now taxes are over. We should talk because for fuck sake.

THERAPIST: Who’s the guy? That guy, his name was Viggo you said?

CLIENT: Yea, Viggo.

THERAPIST: OK.

END TRANSCRIPT