TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: This sounds odd, but I’m kind of feeling over therapized. I don’t know if that makes sense. But I’m not actually sure.

THERAPIST: Meaning like?

CLIENT: I don’t know. I’m finding myself with a…I’m finding myself really emotionally exhausted.

THERAPIST: A lot? Considerably?

CLIENT: Well, [inaudible – 00:46] sometimes. But sometimes self-therapy helps and I don’t know. Like I don’t know like if I don’t want to like talk about dealing with some things or if I want to meet less frequently for a while or what.

THERAPIST: I get it.

CLIENT: With the, you know, of course always, or I just want to avoid dealing with myself.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Which is always an option. I don’t know. Like I was thinking about this a little bit. Like you know [inaudible – 01:34] go and then I use the…I sort of say like no, I think; like I like meeting frequently, but right now I don’t know. And it’s not like meeting frequently for some of that, but I don’t know. I guess it’s because…I think what I want is some relief from…I just don’t want to have to deal with or think about like difficult stuff, like…like one of the things I hated about [inaudible – 03:00] out was feeling like but I don’t want to do this again. Like I don’t know. I felt like but I’ve already talked about that a lot and it’s really hard and I don’t want to like go back to square one of that. But then I saw her again and [inaudible – 03:30]. I think that was more circumstantial.

[03:35]

THERAPIST: This was when you were on the bus with her.

CLIENT: This was when I was at the bus stop.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it was at the movie theater.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And then like last week I was at a coffee shop with a friend and right outside the window a car pulled up and she got out and started, you know, fussing with her stuff and got out and left. Or I don’t know. But I was facing directly out in to the window and what sort of give that is I mostly was just like hmm, I don’t really feel stressed about like, I don’t think I’m going to feel stressed unless she walks in to this where I am, like the shop that I’m in. But like seeing her doing whatever wasn’t feeling stressful which was good because I just…I guess seeing her [inaudible – 04:45] just brought back so many negative like just really bad and made it like doing [inaudible – 05:00] and just…I don’t think I don’t to be…like I just don’t know. I don’t want to do it. Like I do but I don’t. If that makes sense. Because I didn’t feel any like anything good about not being upset or scared of her or having like longing for her and then the situation with the bus, I felt like I don’t know. Like I rebooted almost. But that’s what it felt like that; like on the moment, I just mostly just [inaudible – 05:56], but once I got home and the next day, a few days I just got in the game. Oh God. Like do I have to do this all over again? If that makes sense.

[06:15]

And then I’m always, I’m frequently reluctant to say about myself that I have PTSD and extremely…I find it extremely difficult to say that I was in an abusive relationship in which I can kind of say that [inaudible – 07:05].

And like with the Boston bombings and just all of that, and my parents I don’t know; they kind of just don’t…I don’t know. I don’t…

THERAPIST: [inaudible – 07:35].

CLIENT: Yeah, I’m just having this like…but I don’t like…I guess it’s not like when I went okay but I think we should talk about this even though I don’t want to.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: It’s more like I just don’t want to.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But I don’t want to stop meeting entirely because I’m confident about it. And yeah, like there’s that [inaudible – 08:21] therapy is kind of [inaudible – 08:23] hard. [Silence.]

I think what the other thing with that…one of the things that I find helpful, sort of comforting, but something like that like when I’m feeling [inaudible – 10:13] is, I make myself do routines of like okay you have to get up by this time, you have to be out the door, you have to buy your coffee, your thing. And like when you get home you have to do like these things. And I’m doing that, but it’s still like…I guess it’s not that it’s not helpful because it is, but it’s not being as, I guess, helpful as it usually feel like. I feel like I’m still missing things and dropping things and not remembering. And like yesterday at work, I just had…I was having one of those work days that was super disrupted which was like, I was so tired when I got in at 9:30. Someone came up, my coworkers, and was like, “There’s nobody at the reference desk and someone needs help with microphone.” I’m just like, “Okay, I guess I’ll help them.” And I asked them to like find a reference librarian from the office and have them come down because.

[11:58]

After they did that and then like I was up and down checking like something else for the [inaudible – 12:03] so like I didn’t like really sit at my desk for my 15 minutes [inaudible – 12:10] –ish, which I just felt like I couldn’t carry a thought. If that makes sense. Like I thought I couldn’t sit at my desk long enough to sort of like I guess start like a thought and then finish it.

And then like I don’t know. Like I just, I’m so tired. And like I don’t know; part of it, I’m sleeping well. But also I just feel so like I feel really ambushed and overwhelmed.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

[13:10]

CLIENT: And…I really don’t like…I think partially part of one of the things that was [inaudible – 13:22] part of it was I was just like I can’t go through this. Like I just felt like I don’t like…I kind of was coping with it, but I do…I really feel like I was. It was kind of like I’m making a series of fly by night decisions that aren’t exactly decisions; more like reactions. And like, I don’t know; it’s just so…I’m feeling so out of control and not able to like take care of me. And just like; yeah like, it’s like does it get better? I was like could they like take care of me. I thought I was have a hard time telling anyone else what was the problem and then also, which always stresses me out, like I ran out of the cat food. The one my cat likes. Cats like. And they both are meowing cats. So I was stressed about that. I’m like I’m sorry you’re meowing, but I can’t do anything about this right now.

I don’t know; just like all of that together just…I guess it does like; it does make me feel crazy in a way, like…like sometimes I’m flatling and feel like, well, you know, maybe it’s comic like a [inaudible – 15:54] you’re experiencing for longer time side effects. Or whatever. But I don’t know. I feel so frustrated in the end that like reading fiction and watching like TV or movies, which I do a lot, I don’t know; I really don’t want to or can’t watch anything that like is difficult, I guess.

[16:44]

My roommate’s obsessed with Breaking Bad, which I don’t watch. And usually if she’s watching it, like sometimes I’ll sit myself next to her and like [inaudible – 16:55] or do whatever. But right now I’m like I can’t be in the room if that’s on.

THERAPIST: I see. It’s too disturbing.

CLIENT: Yes, way too disturbing. And like I always find it disturbing, but right now I’m just like I can just tee’d off or for me to be in the other room. Which I actually feel bad about because through [inaudible – 17:24] feeling bad. Like she feels bad that I am the…I’m exiling myself to my bedroom and I feel bad that she feels bad about that. And…

THERAPIST: Yeah. Like [inaudible – 17:43]

CLIENT: Yeah. And she look and says I’m being ridiculous about not wanting to watch it. Or not…if I’m watching TV she’s able to concentrate on anything at all, and I can’t. I [inaudible – 17:59] on the TV. It almost always distracts me, except for sports because there’s no like [inaudible – 18:08]. But I’m also super stressed and I don’t know [inaudible – 18:21] who wants to help me with work stuff.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I also find me super stressful and I don’t know; like part of me is like yes. I do want to; like if you really can’t get any [inaudible – 19:01] also. That probably is like and what would they do? Like what would happen next? And also like and then really occupy here, like, maintaining my own mental health. So if I were to choose, I would choose working and keeping me sane rather than dealing with sexual discrimination and [inaudible – 19:26]. And sitting in that group office, I think you almost fall on everyone. It’s really like…I feel I can’t relax and concentrate, relax or concentrate or I don’t know. Like it’s different than being in like a cute farm and behind like there’s a penis or whatever. Because like people are just students. They’re just kind of like wandering in and out all the time. And I can’t say no. Like because we’re an open service area. We’re supposed to help anybody that comes up. But I like…

[20:58]

The other like; other open service areas, like the library opens their own reference desk for like an hour or two and they go and sit in their office and it’s so cute. It’s like [inaudible – 21:15] whatever. The circ staff are like [inaudible – 21:21] in the back and the different people like on duty. And say someone comes up [inaudible – 21:27] person for like that [inaudible – 21:29] anyone has to deal with it. And [silence]…I tried to [inaudible – 21:44] and have not been successful and also the process in doing that is just so exhausting. Like [inaudible – 22:08] and I guess you say what do you want me to do about that? I have to work here too. And [inaudible – 22:22] A; I don’t care and B; I think it’s a crappy set up. And it should be reconsidered.

It’s like somebody being open kitchen at work. Everyone can stare at you cooking. And you can make mistakes and someone is staring at you. [Silence.]

THERAPIST: Wow. There’s a lot to understand, but one of the things I [inaudible – 24:54] I think I heard you say about therapy is that it makes you feel a lot of ways and you’re describing it like very sort of exposed and washed and like I’ve been kind of say or wander in to whatever party you like. You know, or I know what you were talking about in whatever way that gives you crowding or intrusive or out of your control, which you did.

[25:35]

And you know there may be all this stuff I think you should work on but that doesn’t mean you are for it or…

CLIENT: Actually it’s more like this stuff that I think I should work on.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: That I don’t feel anymore.

THERAPIST: Okay gotcha.

CLIENT: Like I don’t think that…I do not feel like you have the [inaudible – 26:06] should be…it’s totally [inaudible – 26:13].

THERAPIST: Yeah. Gotcha.

CLIENT: Sure. [Silence.] I guess as a feeling sometimes, I…some of this happened yesterday, [inaudible – 26:38] to that. It feels [inaudible – 26:45] like I’m kind of jumping in to the sort of feelings or associations to what you’re talking about kind of like both feet.

[26:59]

Like yesterday; I about had, you know, something that you know was disturbing or that you weren’t really upset about having had gone last week or was really shaken up by it. But I guess I had the impression that you know, well it’s already going to be helpful to like [inaudible – 27:23] mother and to [inaudible – 27:25] your family. Maybe you probably already did, but to kind of be talking about that. Can also be pretty overwhelming.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess.

CLIENT: I mean it feels like something you sort of lose control over a bit. Like I’ve got to see what I’m going to say about it. Yeah, which is what I want, but then sometimes also I’m like I would just like, I don’t know [inaudible – 28:01].

But it’s like sometimes I feel like, okay, I thought I was dealing with this thing and then it’s like, oh; but actually it’s like this thing. You know, which is good to…I’m kind of like, I do want to know that; I just maybe don’t want to know that right now.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Or you don’t know what to…I guess sometimes I don’t know what to do with it. It’s that like, okay, so I think about all these things but I’m too tired to…it’s too much to think about it. Like to continue processing after.

THERAPIST: You are your own like this. And then it becomes this.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Or does it seem to be this? I think.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And that adds to the [inaudible – 29:21].

CLIENT: Yeah. And I think also a [inaudible – 29:25].

THERAPIST: Just the sort of control with what you’re actually dealing with or a [inaudible – 29:36] really.

Another thing I want to say is, look, I know that at one level this is clearly what you expect and in some cases what you [inaudible – 29:43] what you want or sort of what you want.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So I’m not, I’m not saying that I’m unaware of that. I’m talking more; I’m referring more to like what can feel much better in the moment or what can make it difficult. That kind of thing. If that makes sense.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, it does. And that sort of like; I mean [inaudible – 30:19] conflicts or whatever in the moment is freaking really hard. Like…I do anything talking about my mom is super hard in the moment because; part because like I, well, I know what it is. Like it’s called; it’s like, my brother’s [inaudible – 30:51] psychiatrist saying like the reason you’re bipolar is because you’re mixed race. And then sort of a few of like…that was the thing that both my brother and I have heard. Like [inaudible – 31:10] is well, you know, like I know [inaudible – 31:14] failed marriages, but what about the children? We get so mixed up and confused. Like we…

THERAPIST: That would be you and him.

[31:24]

CLIENT: Yeah, so it’s like…I mean we both say that to like me or him or my parents, which we both have. It’s like, it’s incredibly [inaudible – 31:39]. It’s incredibly weird. And so like my first reaction is generally like “Fuck you, I’m fine.” Like actually, I’m also [inaudible – 31:51]. What are you talking about? And so then it becomes difficult to be like, well, actually, mistakes are made but not because my parents are different races, but for other reasons.

And so sometimes it feels really hard to kind of like be like, nope, we’re not, we’re like this is not actually a discussion about whether or not my parents made a mistake in having children.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But like I guess like it’s hard to…that’s my knee jerk reaction is to sort of defend the concept of having mixed race kids.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And that like I have emotional problems not because of like racial [inaudible – 33:06]. And that’s also one of those things where I feel like people…like people like to use the existence of interracial families and mixed raced people as like a metaphor. I was like, look; racism isn’t over because of law or like I am the embodiment of the end of racism and racial unity and…that’s a lot for a person. And I also don’t mix [inaudible – 34:10] combination. And so I don’t know. I feel like I’ve had a lot of conversations in which I thought because I felt like, oh we’re talking about me, but we’re not actually; we were talking about like [inaudible – 34:41]. Like they’re trashing a mixed race person. The symbolic [inaudible – 34:49] person. And so it’s like I have this like, you know, a set of like things that [inaudible – 35:13] getting out of that can be hard.

But I’m unwittingly trampling all this stuff. [Silence.] Yeah, I mean…even if that is true, I just don’t; I don’t know. I don’t think about that a lot. Probably because [inaudible – 36:07] met the incredibly high standard of not [inaudible – 36:10]. So good job. Okay.

Or like over being, because over being can be like, yeah okay. High standards. But I mean it’s more than I’m like used to getting [inaudible – 36:44]. I think like it doesn’t always register.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. I would imagine that if it registered as such before now you would have said so.

[37:03]

CLIENT: Yeah, coming from them, you have said things that I disagreed with.

THERAPIST: I did? Yeah, absolutely. This isn’t coming across to me as something that you said if like knowing, had trouble saying so much as something that was unclear was kind of in the way that it was and making you feel bad in the way that it would.

CLIENT: Yeah. The other thing is that I’ve been thinking is I…when we talked at one point about doing like, I was surprised as to how strong of a reaction I had. The idea of not being able to see you. Like…

THERAPIST: Yeah, okay.

CLIENT: Yeah it was two; one was lie down and two; lying down and not being able to see you sort of come by and I just like…which…it’s not the money…has been an issue for me before and like I’ve had male gynecologists and was like don’t care, you know. Like the gender of like whoever is treating me doesn’t…has never been an issue for me. And suddenly I’ll say, oh, this actually feels like a huge thing.

[38:38]

I got a [inaudible – 38:40] massage recently and a friend of mine was like, oh, my male partner does massage and he might [inaudible – 38:46] for barter. And I thought I’m not sure if I can let a guy massage me right now. Like I have in the past, like a lot. Not a lot but like it’s not been something that I’ve cared about and I just had this like very strong sort of like nope; like nope, nope, nope, nope. And then had this week why is this; why is this so troubling to me right now? Like I guess [inaudible – 39:38]. And it’s still kind of percolating or something.

Things, I guess, like your [inaudible – 40:18] is like the environment in some way.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I guess it’s the fear of not being able to tell that it might happen.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And then not being able to do anything about it. But if after the first fear, it is not being able to see [inaudible – 41:00]. And that…it’s not something that’s been like…I don’t; I don’t like living like you’re hanging, but I mean that’s like [inaudible – 41:28]. But just to me it’s sort of like but I know who this person is and yet I still feel scared about it. And it feels like intensity like…I guess I feel like I’m like; I’m even [inaudible – 41:57] an irrational fear of like that’s not actually going to happen. You are not going to leap out like an action move. But like it’s just like irrational crazy feeling like in my head. [inaudible – 42:12] feel like I guess it’s really like not getting a warning; not being able to read somebody else’s body language or see that there is something. I guess not…like not getting a warning.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

[42:36]

CLIENT: [inaudible – 42:46] and all of a sudden just being [inaudible – 42:49] with a monster. [Silence.] I think it’s kind of…it’s a [inaudible – 43:45] a lot of how I feel [inaudible – 43:54]. I just be sort of what happened here? And I also sort of realized this but I was thinking recently how in doing like public speaking or [inaudible – 44:23] meeting. I spend a lot of time looking at people’s body language and like trying to…I guess trying to read where; like reading is going, where people are going. Like I can get really caught up in like am I sitting pissed off? Am I sitting whatever.

THERAPIST: Yeah. We can stop for now.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Do you have any idea what you want to do or talk about some more next week and then try to make a decision?

CLIENT: I think I want to talk about it more next week.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: Except I may be really exhausted on Monday. I’m going to be out of town all weekend.

THERAPIST: I see. [inaudible – 45:25].

CLIENT: Stick with Tuesday and talk about it.

THERAPIST: Okay. I think I probably will have the mid-day appointments during the rest of the week. Do you want to look at those now or do you want to just go…just meet Tuesday and go from there?

CLIENT: I want to talk to you on Tuesday and go from there.

THERAPIST: Okay, let’s do that.

CLIENT: The 16th.

THERAPIST: See it’s next Monday, so that’s…

CLIENT: Monday’s the 15th.

THERAPIST: Alright, then, I’ll see you on Tuesday.

END TRANSCRIPT