TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Uh, yeah, so um... it’s been a bit of a challenging week. (pause) I suppose I should start with last (sighs) week. Sometime... not this past week, but the week before that I... had posted on Facebook something to the effect of... you know, “I apologize if this is ill suited for a Facebook post, but... Man (ph), this country is suffering from a mental health crisis. I thought the Newtown tragedy would actually spur some sort of action or conversation about the... fact that mental health, mental illness is widespread and (inaudible), that the stigma around it which need not be there... (sighs) Powerless as I feel to do anything about this, what I can do is this: I take these drugs every day, I do weekly therapy, and... you know... mental health is not, or mental illness is not... anything to be ashamed of and I think if you are suffering, you should get some help.” [00:01:47]

I got a huge response to it. I mean, I have been actually thinking about doing it since the actual Newtown tragedy, you know, because... little has happened in the aftermath of that event. You know, we’ve had... probably hundreds of other tragedies on a smaller scale since then. Anyway, so a huge response, you know. And (sighs)...

THERAPIST: From people you know, from public, or...?

CLIENT: Well... I shared it with friends. A couple of people asked if they could share it, if they could make it public so that they could share it with their friends; so I did. And... yeah. So this was, it was mainly my friends who were (chuckles) friends, Facebook friends. (chuckles) But I got an e-mail from my dad the... next day, or two days later, saying, you know, “I... your Facebook post was sent to me,” because he’s not on Facebook. You know, basically saying, “I support you and whatever you need to do to be healthy.” [00:03:19]

So I called him this past Monday. You know, I said, “This is what’s, you know, this is kind of what’s been going on with me.” So I had to really tread lightly, because I didn’t want to get into this (therapist affirms) on the phone. But (sighs) you know, because I didn’t want to say, “Well, look, you know, we can trace this back to (chuckles) something specific and...,” so on and so forth. But... And so I hadn’t... I had done a little bit of work earlier in the week, and then yesterday I did some more. (pause) I also sent it to my sister. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: The letter or your post? [00:04:21]

CLIENT: The letter; sorry. And... (sighs) She could only read like, the first page. She was concerned that my dad would be hit pretty hard with it. This was like, yesterday and she hadn’t had a chance to read the whole thing. I said, “You’re going to have to read the whole thing in order to tell me if you think that that’s still the case.” So I haven’t heard back from her.

But, what I’d like to do is I’d like to read this, because this is pretty close to the final version, if not the final version. But I want to read it and hear it. I’m not reading it to (flipping pages)... run it by you for (chuckles) content or even, you know, what I should do or shouldn’t do, but more as a... sounding board, because, just... to hear my thoughts after I read it, I guess. (therapist affirms) So... I’ve just increased the font. It’s not that it’s... a novelette. So, I’ll just get started.

THERAPIST: Okay. I’ll listen. [00:05:43]

CLIENT: Is that ready? All right. Okay. Dear Dad; I don’t enjoy writing this letter to you, but if I’m going to succeed in getting through my personal developmental issues, it must be done. I am in a constant state of anxiety. My stomach is perpetually clenched, my breathing abbreviated, my chest hangs with weight. I’m on medication for anxiety, but it can only do so much, and that is not enough. I’ve been carrying a sense of constant dread for far too long, with no idea as to how to release it.

This letter has been in draft form for the past four years. During that time, you’ve probably sensed that our relationship has not been as warm as it once was. You can well understand that actually finishing and sending it off did not hold a lot of incentive for me. I didn’t want to hurt you, and I did not know how to communicate this to you in such a way that could both peel the burden from me and also help shape the way you would react to it. But I have reached the conclusion that your reaction is not something that I can control. What I can control, however, is constructing and delivering this message, as painful as it may be, with the trust that we can have a more meaningful relationship if I’m able to tell you what has been going on with me. [00:07:03]

I have been working with therapists for several years now. My current doctor has helped me understand the source of that angst... (pause) (aside: Sorry.) The... /corrects/ understand that the source of that angst is a manifestation of guilt and shame. Guilt is the feeling you have when you’ve done something you regret, but which no one knows about. (flipping pages) Shame is the feeling when you’ve done something you regret (sighs) and others do know about it. My situation, I was sidled with both guilt and shame for various reasons.

The combination of these two has resulted in my inability to forgive myself for things which were not my fault, but also things for which I am to blame. I now hope that I’m able to relinquish some of the anger and hurt that I have toward you, and move through a process of living forgiveness. I can also... I can also let go of commensurate guilt and shame which I carry, and forgive myself. If I cannot shed these, I despair... for living with these feelings... If I cannot shed these, I despair. For living with these feelings has been disheartening, and suffering with these while on medications designed to alleviate these feelings has been demoralizing, but I will hope for the best. [00:08:42]

As you may be aware, I was diagnosed with clinical depression about eleven years ago. What I found alarming was that my psychologists estimated that I had a low-level depression for many years. I knew I had low self-esteem; I’ve had it for as long as I can remember. But part of the problem is that I don’t remember much of my adolescence before the age of 13. Over the past ten years I’ve been on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. Whenever I would ask some of the siblings if they experience depression, most said it was likely I was just not getting enough exercise.

What they were not aware of was that I underwent significant trauma in my junior high years that has scarred me ever since, that they did not have to endure or even know about. (flipping pages) To be blunt, the trauma is the series of events which encompassed my own inappropriate interactions with Brandy, the revelation of your relationship with her, your losing your job, and the fallout from all of that. [00:09:44]

One very vivid memory of this shame and guilt was while I was working at Maggie’s (aside: that’s a pizza place). When I was 15, the summer before high school, I was finishing a shift on a Saturday afternoon. There was a customer finishing his meal, who exchanged some pleasantries with me while I brought in the remaining tubs full of dishes. When I clocked out, as was usual, I made a burger and fries and went out to sit in one of the booths. The customer, still nursing his soda, invited me to sit with him. Although I didn’t really want to, I accepted his offer.

We started talking about Haverford. He was quite a few years older than me, but had lived in the area all of his life. We somehow got on the topic of Haverford High School, that he was in the program. As always, I said with pride, “My dad started that program.” (aside: this program was like a inter... a program in the high schools for troubled youths, drug addiction, family problems) As always, I said with pride, “My dad started that program.” [00:10:53]

“What’s his name?” he asked. He then proceeded to quiz me on a story he had heard, something about you ordering up a Chinese girl for some action on the side. All I could say was, “It wasn’t like that,” but inside, I was shattering. The pride I had just reflected was now burning a pit in my gut. If this guy knows, who else knows? I couldn’t finish my lunch. I couldn’t even speak. I walked home, devastated. Suddenly every conversation I had, every encounter, I couldn’t help but think, “Do they know? Does he know? Does she know? Who has she told?”

When I got to high school, the first day of each term was always a nail biter. Calling roll, the teacher would call my name, ask me if I was Harry Clovis’s (ph) son. I would hold my breath and say, “Yes,” wondering what they or anyone else in the room, was going to say at that moment. But the teacher would always say, “Great guy! Say hello to him for me!” But these encounters were always anxiety inducing. Any conversations which might turn to something recalling our family adopting two children, what my dad does for a living, or anything which might reveal my shame were quickly directed as far away as possible. I was always on guard. [00:12:12]

When I say I have depression, low self-esteem, anxiety, I feel I need to be a bit more illustrative. You may identify with some of these, but I can only speak for myself. For decades, I would wake up feeling, knowing really, that I was worthless, that I had no redeeming qualities, that I was destined for pipedreams without the courage, trust, and confidence to pursue them. If someone told me I was good at something, I was quick to minimize his complement as either incorrect or misguided. If someone were (sic) nice to me, I assumed she was just... I assumed she just wanted something from me.

Any success I achieved was a fluke. Finishing my BA, winning an award, getting accepted to Amherst, UPenn, Stanford, completing my Master’s with an Aaverage, winning a fellowship to go to the abroad; all of these were flukes. Every one of them could be explained as anything but the result of my work ethic, my talents, or my perseverance, for I do not possess these qualities. Anyone who really knows me like I know me would certainly have never given me any of those accolades. Everything I have done is overshadowed, blinded, by what I did when I was 12. The shame is strong, the guilt is paralyzing. [00:13:27]

Drinking has been a short-term fix, a way to feel a little better about myself, but it has always been destructive. The instant gratification of a buzz has always been the low-hanging fruit, the quick and cheap way for me to carry on with the baggage I was lugging. Delayed gratification has been elusive, due to this self-destructive behavior. Self-destructive behavior, however, is a bit of a misnomer. I cannot destroy what is already shattered. Self-destructive behavior for me should be called self-affirming behavior, because it reinforces how bad I am. It underlines it.

What normally would be called self-affirming behavior, or actions that would be considered healthy, constructive, and enriching are pointless, because they refuse to mesh with who I really am. In other words, I am a horrible person. Exercising would be good for me. How can something be good for me, when I am an irredeemably horrible person? Writing songs would be uplifting. To be uplifted would be to deny my worthlessness. Writing songs is a waste of time. [00:14:32]

Unfortunately, this way of thinking is very powerful. Even if I were able to get on a series of positive actions, I’m always quick to remind myself that I never finish anything, so don’t expect this streak to last. Albeit harmful, betting against myself as been another form of self-affirming behavior. Even writing/finishing this letter has been a bit of a coin toss. But quitting drinking hasn’t solved all of my problems. I still cling to the instant gratification as a way, the only consistent way, for me to be able to feel good about myself. Can I get beyond this, by addressing the issue head-on, that I am not what I did when I was 12 years old? What does this say about how I view you? Can you be the father you are, without being the person that I’ve held responsible for my troubles? [00:15:21]

As you know, I flew in from Mexico in May of 2010 to undergo some intensive Family of Origin Therapy. This therapy is designed to dig into the problems that occur in the person’s formative years. Although some of the information I felt was hard to understand or relate to my situation, I did come away with some pretty intense resentment toward you and mom, both in handling my upbringing, and in dealing with the Brandy crisis.

In many ways, I feel as though I was an accident, not a miracle, as Mom would suggest. I think you and Mom trusted the older children to help raise me. By the time I got older, it was as if you had grown tired of parenting. Liam said that when he was growing up, he had fond memories of you coming home with a box of fireworks for the family to enjoy. I was stunned to hear this. I have no such memories. The memories I do have are not very flattering, and come down to an obsessive concern about how everything reflected on you, and scolding was the way to parent. [00:16:24]

When I was in fourth grade and playing my first year of little league baseball, I remember how you came to one of my games. You did not come down to the field, but instead, leaned against the car up at the corner near the dentist office. During the game, I hit the ball into the outfield, but apparently got thrown out. I also apparently walked to my position in right field when our team took the field at the end of the inning. (flipping pages) Didn’t run; walked.

When the game was over, I ran up to you to share my excitement of hitting the ball. You scolded me for not running out to the outfield when we were to take the field. You threatened me by saying something to the effect of, “If I see you doing that again...” What kind of a man scolds his nine-year-old son for that? It would have been one thing if the coaches had requested it, or that you had previously requested it. But this was the first I’d heard of it. When I got home and ran inside to tell Mom, I said, “Mom, I got a hit!” But you couldn’t help yourself but correct, by saying, “Dude, you did not get a hit. You hit the ball.” How demoralizing! I was nine years old! [00:17:43]

When I said that I think you became obsessed with how things reflected on you, this is an example. The former varsity head baseball coach’s son doesn’t run out to the field! Shame! It’s too bad you didn’t think of how your actions in the coming years would reflect on the family. But in fact, it cast a long shadow. I can’t speak for William (aside: he’s my youngest brother), but I know intimately, painfully just how damaging those actions were.

I think you tend to wash your hands of my relationship with Brandy, as if I were a grown adult who knew what he was doing. But no, I was eleven or twelve. Brandy was older than me, and this household was under your watch. I’ll not criticize you for what you did with her. That is not the issue. The issue is that for twenty years, I carried with me the guilt of feeling as though I was an incestuous molester, who was afraid to have children because of what I might do to them. No one—not the state, not your counsellors, not the court, and certainly neither you nor Mom thought it might be prudent for me to get some help. This is the issue. [00:18:51]

You were so concerned with getting through your affair (flipping pages) that you neglected the health of my development at a crucial time in my life. This was a serious dereliction of parenting that has affected every chance for success that I could have had. Sure, you might say then, “Well, gee, you seem to be pretty successful, given all that has happened. Couldn’t have been too bad, right?” My successes came through hard work, by suspending my belief in who I really was.

Maybe you didn’t know this, but I began smoking pot at 14, drinking alcohol before that. I had a serious shoplifting problem, hundreds, maybe thousands of dollars. I stole from the people for whom I babysat. I graduated in the bottom 25% of my class in Haverford. (clears throat) Because I showed up hung over to take the test, I obviously didn’t score too well on the SAT. When I took the ACT, while working, I entered into general college the place for “low achievers.” I worked my ass off to get on the Dean’s List to transfer into the college of Liberal Arts. This was the beginning of a lot of work, but I was doing all of this while struggling with depression and not believing that I would amount to anything. Imagine where I might be if I had gotten the help I so needed? (clears throat) [00:20:13]

As I said, I cannot forgive myself until I forgive you. In an attempt to understand what I am dealing with, I have also had the chance to reflect on your situation, of why you behaved as you did. As it turns out, over the past few years, thinking about all I wanted to say in this letter has actually allowed me to rethink my anger and hurt in a more compassionate light. I have been able to view your behavior and actions as reflected against and in my own. This has given me insight into why you may have done nothing as you did, why you responded the way you did, and why I reacted the way I have to various challenges in my own life.

As I think about my inability to forgive myself, I wonder how you are able to forgive yourself? Not that you shouldn’t, but knowing the difficulty I’ve had, I suspect you may have had some difficulty yourself. This, for me, is largely a result of wanting to keep quiet about the whole mess, as it is not a very comfortable subject. But for you, I gather, without any person who wants to talk about it, you probably haven’t been able to deal with the topic since completing the court-ordered therapy. How, then, could I expect you to be able to recognize and acknowledge my damage, if you haven’t even been able to acknowledge your own? But I suspect your own upbringing contained a mechanism for dealing with what was uncomfortable, mainly by burying it. [00:21:39]

That said, I don’t wish to play the victim. I am making a concrete choice to move forward as the person I am, warts and all. But who is that person who has suffered, and how is his suffering unique? Who can say they have lived unscathed by the tragedies that are all around us? How can I relate to someone who has fallen if I have never fallen? Am I stronger as a result of this history? My depression masks the strength, because it pervades any thoughts I might have about perseverance and any ideas that I could be strong and effective, that I could live a life of my choosing. (flipping pages)

But I hasten to add that I am removing that mask, which for so long I had no idea I was wearing. Now instead of a victim, I want to be a healthy human being who can empathize with others who are suffering, not as a fellow sufferer who can commiserate, but as a support, because I have healed. I write this letter selfishly, for my own benefit, because I hate living with the fear, guilt, and shame which has governed my entire adult life. I didn’t want the message to sting, but I can see how it might, and that possibility provides me with no satisfaction. [00:22:53]

I love you, and I want you to know that I forgive you for what you did or didn’t. I do not conflate the person you are with the things you have done. Now I just need to tell myself the very same thing and mean it.

P.S. If you would like to respond, please do so by mail. It took me years to write this, and I would like you to take the time to reflect on what I’m saying to you, but also what I’m not saying. (flipping pages)

That’s a marathon! (clears throat)

THERAPIST: That’s a powerful letter. How does it feel to hear the whole thing, to read it through?

CLIENT: It’s surprisingly comprehensive. (clears throat) I think, you know, the issue I had for a long time was, “Did I get everything in? Did I include everything that I have ever thought about in the past, you know, four years,” for example. And... (pause) Yeah, I mean (clears throat), I know for a long time, there were sections that have just seemed like, “Is this necessary, is this necessary, does this really say what I want it to say?” I think that’s all the work I did yesterday, just kind of trying to organize my thought process and get to the, from the top to the end, really. [00:24:24]

(pause) But... I do feel like, although it’s a powerful letter and, in some ways... condemning, I think it also... is balanced by a certain amount of empathy and... compassion... (pause) which is... I mean, those contributions were made in the past six months or year. They’re not, you know, they don’t form the basis of the letter itself. I feel like, with those additions, it’s a... it’s more balanced, more... digestible, I guess. So... [00:25:30]

THERAPIST: Yeah, it does encompass a lot of what we’ve talked about and different things, ideas and things that you’ve expressed in here as being really important.

CLIENT: Yeah (sighs), yeah. (pause) I mean there are things that I know I’ve left out, but that was more of a choice. I think, just things that I can bring up down the road, if need be.

THERAPIST: I mean, it doesn’t need to contain everything you’ve ever thought about in order to be complete. (client affirms) What makes it complete is that it hits upon the major themes. You know, I think the theme of your feelings about yourself, how you have felt about him in the transition of being able to find compassion along with anger. I really think you really have expressed those themes to him, and done it in a way that, you know... You do the best you can to really say what you mean to say. I think, you know like you said, you can’t control what his reaction is, but clearly, you’ve done a lot of work in trying to be careful about what you’re expressing and trying to be complete about what you’re expressing. [00:26:49]

CLIENT: Good. Because that is (clears throat) was a concern I had. (pause) But this is meant to be something to move forward, not stay where we are, the skin and bones stranger, semi a stranger.

THERAPIST: Do you feel ready?

CLIENT: I do. I do. (pause) I just want to hear what my sister has to say, and then... because she knows all of this, more or less. She said to me last night... You know, she’s very supportive and she and I are the closest in age. Let me very clear, this is not the sister who was... (chuckles) okay? She said, “I know you need to present this to Dad. I know you need to do this, but I’m just concerned that he’s going to take it very hard.” [00:27:58]

(pause) I think what she... was expecting was that I was just going to send it to him and that was it. End of the story. I don’t know why she thought that, but, you know, she was saying, you know, “How can this, how can you move forward in this if it’s just going to be like, close that case and then move on?” So, I think those concerns of hers were... (pause) ill based. So...

THERAPIST: And you think if he reads through the end, that he’ll get that you’re not cutting him off? I mean, you certainly invite him to respond if he wants.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I think in the first letter (corrects), first paragraph... “with the trust that we could have a more meaningful relationship if I’m able to tell you what’s been going on with me.” That I think, you know... [00:29:00]

THERAPIST: There was a lot of space between the first paragraph and the end.

CLIENT: Yeah, well, you know... (chuckles)

THERAPIST: You want to make sure he doesn’t forget that part (chuckles), because there is a lot, you know, having never spoken to your father, it’s hard for me to make an assumption about how he’ll respond. But I can imagine that it would feel hurtful, as well as being kind of heart-breaking to hear that your child is feeling this way (client affirms), kind of both feeling badly for himself and for you.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I guess that’s one of the things that I thought about earlier, was that (sighs) whether I need to communicate in there that I know he wouldn’t want me to continue suffering like this, but... it’s so long already! (chuckles)

THERAPIST: Yeah, no I’m certainly not suggesting that you add pieces, but...

CLIENT: No, no, yeah. (sighs) (pause) Yeah, well, maybe I can look in there and see if I could drop some hints that (chuckles)... [00:30:10]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I don’t feel like necessarily you need to.

CLIENT: No?

THERAPIST: I mean, you end it by saying “I love you.” That’s, you know, a pretty... relationship-building (client affirms) expression. And you do invite him, let him know that it would be fine, you know, to respond to you in a thoughtful way.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I guess I’m wondering if that’s clear.

THERAPIST: You can’t control everything. (chuckles)

CLIENT: I mean, was that clear, though, as far as why I wanted it in writing? I mean... All I’m trying to avoid is a knee-jerk (therapist affirms) tear-ridden phone call that’s like, you know, “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” Well, why are you sorry? I don’t want it to get emotional over the phone, because I want some thoughtful reflection, not a response. (pause) Yeah. Because he’s, that’s... [00:31:09]

THERAPIST: You know, so I mean, I think the only way to make that cl , you could take out a line of like, “if you’re going to respond, do it in a written letter,” and just keep it to the like, “I’d like, you know, when you respond,” or “I’d like your response to be...” You know, focus on what you want. I mean, it’s not that you really want a like, a written letter versus an e-mail. It’s that you want a thoughtful, processed response rather than a quick response. (pause) And that might, that might help him to understand what it is you’re really asking for. It’s not that you’re asking him for a hard copy, you’re asking for a thoughtful copy.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I just... I just don’t want to get a phone call, you know.

THERAPIST: So you, so that, you know, I’m saying, it would be easier for me to talk about this type of thing, you know, via letter or... or if, you know, saying you know, a phone conversation would be really hard for me. I’d much prefer to have written communication. I think that makes it clear. [00:32:31]

CLIENT: It would be easier for me to hear your response in a letter?

THERAPIST: That sounds... clear.

CLIENT: (flipping pages) So... (clears throat) that... I figured (sighs)... (pause) I think I’ll be out of the country next week, anyways. (chuckles) That helps. (pause) (sighs) Now I’m just trying to think, you know, what do I... (pause) I think I’ll listen to my sister this afternoon and hear what she has to say, let that sink in overnight, and then send it off tomorrow. So, we’re done, right? (chuckles) [00:33:32]

THERAPIST: It’s been a process of getting yourself ready to share it with him, to share your thoughts and the process with him.

CLIENT: Yeah. It’s... (pause) I guess I’m not sure what to expect, not from him, but for me. I’ve put so much... you know, currency in this, and expectation and time and effort of course. But do I really think that something magic is going to lift from me?

THERAPIST: Do you?

CLIENT: No. (chuckles) I don’t. I think it’s a choice. As much as I choose, though... you know. (pause) I’m still drawn back to these moments where I feel...

THERAPIST: What if you did let yourself choose to feel lighter, to let some of the weight on your chest recede, as you let go of this? [00:34:39]

CLIENT: Well, I think I do, but it seems like it’s a choice I’d have to make 20 times a day, you know, with every moment of... idleness, you know that I’m not going to feel shitty for whatever it is I’m doing or not doing. I’m going to...

THERAPIST: Yeah, so it’s reorienting yourself, remembering to choose that (client affirms) when you notice that you’ve forgotten.

CLIENT: Yeah. Speaking of which... I made two calls on Wednesday to DPT people, they have not called me back, remembering to... Yeah, so there is that.

THERAPIST: (pause) Are you looking into another group? [00:35:35]

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Any recommendations?

THERAPIST: Does... there used to be a place right nearby, they used to do a lot of DPT. I’m not remembering their...

CLIENT: In Ballston?

THERAPIST: No, right here in Harvard.

CLIENT: Oh, I was going to say, (chuckles) Oh, over there! Okay. It may be on your list.

THERAPIST: I’ll have to look. I don’t know if they’re still around or not. They used...

CLIENT: I have the list right here, and of the ones that are, would accept whatchamacallit, (inaudible)... (pause) Here it is. Uh... oh, come on. Oh, Christ! (inaudible)

THERAPIST: Yes, the signal here is not great.

CLIENT: No, it’s because I haven’t been on the page for three days, it says. (therapist affirms) “Member must be logged in.” Anyway... okay.

THERAPIST: I think that’s where they last were. Maybe two (inaudible)? Let me... think, maybe I’m... [00:36:37]

CLIENT: Yeah, or I can look on there. If they happen to be on the list, unfortunately, they have to be on the list in order for the... (therapist affirms) Yeah. (pause) Yeah, what I didn’t mention to my dad, Mr. Thrifty, is just how much this has cost for the past ten years. (pause) Good thing I don’t have kids! (chuckles) The irony! No. Um... Anyway...

THERAPIST: But you mentioned in there that one of the reasons that you’ve chosen not to have kids is that you’re afraid.

CLIENT: It has been, yeah.

THERAPIST: Do you believe that? Or do you truly wonder that, still?

CLIENT: Not anymore. I used to believe it. I used to worry. (clears throat) (chuckles) And now with the prospect of adopting (chuckles), makes it even more, you know... poignant, but I don’t know. I... (sighs) I don’t think so, you know. But yeah, I mean, I think for a long time I was, I acknowledged that years ago, that... it was something that I haven’t (clears throat), was really on guard about, you know, especially being around kids. (pause) But, no. (pause) But I mean, I think it certainly had a factor, during a time when I would have been... thinking about having kids, so... (pause) You know, it kind of played during a crucial time, I’m thinking. [00:38:36]

THERAPIST: Because you were afraid you would have inherited a characteristic from him, or because of your own actions with your adopted sister.

CLIENT: Both. I didn’t know quite where to separate that, you know. (pause) And with the general feeling of just, you know, worthlessness it’s hard to... think about having to be a good parent. (pause) But I can be a good uncle. (pause) Not a rich uncle, but a good uncle. (therapist chuckles) Which is better, right?

THERAPIST: I think it’s probably more of a long-lasting...

CLIENT: Yeah, that’s right. (chuckles) [00:39:38]

THERAPIST: And you could be a good person.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. (clears throat) (pause) I am a good person. (pause) It’s just sometimes I fall down, and I can’t get (inaudible).

THERAPIST: (affirms) And all people do. (pause) It doesn’t seem fair to define yourself by your worst moments or your mistakes only.

CLIENT: Yeah, especially if they... (chuckles) are... one for every thousand good things. (pause) So how long did it take me to read that letter? A long time! Jeepers! (pause) So, you know, I’m not going to see you for two weeks. (pause) So this feels like a good... time to send this off. I can fill you in on all the details (therapist chuckles) when I get back. [00:41:13]

THERAPIST: I think it sounds like a good time, because you feel ready. (client affirms) You’ve been kind of gearing yourself up for it and setting yourself milestones. (client affirms) And, you know, it feels complete. So I mean, you’ve held onto it, because you were worried that there were important pieces that might not get incorporated, or things that you were having trouble getting across. As you read it today, you know when I asked you how you felt after reading it, you said, “It felt complete.” I think that’s... If it’s done, there is no need for you to hang onto it. (client affirms) It’s time for you to let it go, and let yourself... experience whatever it is that comes with sending it off, whether that be nothing, or something that you don’t know how to expect.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. (clears throat) (pause) You know... I don’t know if there is some, I don’t think there is any real correlation here, but... four years ago... this coming week, I was in Guatemala, Antigua for Holy Week. I think (inaudible/weak) just... magnificent processions, I’m sure you’ve heard of them, you’ve seen them, but they... The people in the towns, they create these rugs of palm branches (ph), artwork made out of grass and flowers and fruit, marbles or eggs or whatever, whatever, sand... They are just incredible. [00:43:19]

They lay them on the street, you know, they lay it out, and then that night, when the procession comes through... you know, a hundred or so men, or a hundred or so women start toting (ph), carrying these gigantic floats that can weigh up to 10,000 pounds. They come through, and they just walk over these things, so that the art is... is... fleeting. And I was there (clears throat) and weeks later is when, weeks before was when (clears throat) that I, you know, the Mexico incident, which is a few weeks after is when I went home for that Family of Origin Therapy. Next week, I’ll be in Arizona for Holy Week and... it almost seems like some sort of... internal resurrection... perhaps. Perhaps not. [00:44:23]

THERAPIST: Let it be! (client affirms) I mean, I think, you know, part of it, like you said, is a choice. You can choose to let this be a marker of a new era for you, a new phase of your life.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) (inaudible/weak)

THERAPIST: And that, you know, that doesn’t mean that everything is going to feel awesome all of the time, but you can, you know, when you have a hard day, or you forget to let go of this, that doesn’t mean that it’s meant nothing and it’s, you know, a failure, and that the expectation is unrealistic. It just means that, you know, letting it be, that hard days, hard times are still part of the new experience of having let this go, and letting yourself feel proud of the fact that you set out to do this piece of work, and you did it. [00:45:24]

CLIENT: Yeah. It might be the hardest piece of work I’ve done... ever.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I don’t doubt that.

CLIENT: (pause) Yeah. That’s... That’s only occurred to me now. It’s interesting...

THERAPIST: It’s a pretty meaningful expedition you set yourself on when you started writing the letter, and continued to pursue, even though it was really hard and felt daunting and you wondered whether it would ever feel done. (client affirms) But you kept doing it.

CLIENT: It’s funny, because most of the work was done in my head, you know?

THERAPIST: That doesn’t make it, that doesn’t mean it’s not work! (chuckles)

CLIENT: No, I know. It’s work, it certainly is, and I look forward to not having to... tally these things, you know. Oh, make sure I... make sure you... oh, there are that. [00:46:32]

THERAPIST: It’s interesting that you brought up the fleeting art. (client affirms) Just because you can’t see it, just because it was done in your head, doesn’t mean that it wasn’t there (client affirms) and that it didn’t exist. It doesn’t have to have a permanent record to be real.

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. You know, I did three... audio-visual slide shows of those events. I’ll send you a link, you might find it interesting.

THERAPIST: Thank you.

CLIENT: It’s... stunning, though. This happens all over the... Latin world, mostly, yeah. Apparently, they’re just incredible. (pause) Here and gone. This happens over the course of like, four or five days, it’s just... anyway. So, that’s me. That’s where I am. [00:47:31]

THERAPIST: Well, thank you for sharing.

CLIENT: Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it, and of course, you know, the work that you’ve helped me with in here is... the (sighs) bedrock of this, so I appreciate that.

THERAPIST: I’m glad to be part of the journey.

CLIENT: (chuckles) A spiritual journey... with a journey. All right, well... (pause) So we’re on for the...

THERAPIST: 25th (client affirms) Yeah, so two weeks from today, your regular time. (pause) (client affirms) (pause) Am I going to see you (ph) again?

CLIENT: Yeah, I need some more money, though. I didn’t... Do you have a five, by any chance?

THERAPIST: I’m sure I do...

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