TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi. Come on in. (pause) Good morning.

CLIENT: Morning. It's early. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So the last two days at work were miserable.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I've been dealing with something that's not really my fault, but in my job I work closely with out education consultant who is not in the office. He work remotely and he made this spreadsheet that I use on a monthly basis. I basically enter in numbers based on my billings and numbers. [00:01:20]

And so my boss, Harrison, who is the owner, you know, needs to use this spreadsheet for a purpose that's not it's original intent. And he was upset that the numbers didn't really show what he wanted to see. And, you know, the past two days we've basically been reinventing the wheel. And, you know, I get this sense that even though I try to make it clear that I'm not the author of this spreadsheet, he feels and has sort of been, you know, taking out his frustration on me a little bit.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: As we've been going through this. Luckily we finished it all yesterday afternoon, but it's a little frustrating and discouraging when, you know, it's like not my spreadsheet. I'm just entering the numbers that I have. And, you know, Barry, who is our education consultant, he pretty much checks my work each month. So, you know. (pause) [00:02:47]

THERAPIST: Hm. So you're blamed for something that is not something that you did wrong.

CLIENT: That's what it feels like.

THERAPIST: Mm. Kind of like the messenger is being shot?

CLIENT: Pretty much. Yeah. I mean, he did point out, Harrison, when we were working on it together Monday that, you know, I'm probably going to spend quite a few hours making changes to this spreadsheet to the changes that, you know, Harrison wants. But when we send it to Barry he's obviously going to have a different opinion.

And so I think he sort of realizes that there's a bit of a disconnect and, you know, too many people working on this. But I still feel like I'm the one getting the blame for it. (sigh) [00:03:50]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) Do you feel like in that position often?

CLIENT: Um. I wouldn't say often. You know, it comes up at least a couple of times a month. A lot of the problems, especially in the office, is that Harrison, he's not so much a delegator as he is a micromanager. And he likes to do a lot of things himself but not include people in the loop.

And that's how one of the problems with this situation came in, because he has discussions with our consultants and agrees upon fees with them. But, of course we, you know, as in education we all mark up the fee and that's what we show the client. [00:05:04]

But, you know, he never tells anybody what that original fee was with the consultant. And so usually situations like that where he didn't share information and it's like he expects me to know something that I wouldn't know. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I try to point out as much as possible though, "Harrison, you didn't tell me that." And I'd say more times than not he realizes if he hadn't told me something, yeah, it shouldn't be my fault. (pause) [00:06:06]

THERAPIST: Mm. Being blamed for something of which you're not the author is a very eloquent way of putting it. I liked how you put it.

CLIENT: (laughs) Yeah. (laughs) (pause) So that's been the past two days.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: He's [out up at a cite] (ph) this morning so I'll actually be able to catch up on stuff that got pushed to the back burner the past couple of days.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Which will be nice. [00:07:04]

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause) I was also thinking the micromanagement part, isn't that kind of a carryover from last week. It certainly a style you're intimately familiar with.

CLIENT: Yeah. (laughs) Yeah. (pause) My previous manager was like that too in my old office. When I worked under that manager he was the same way too, micromanaged a lot. And sometimes I just had to take my own initiative and do something which in the end always upset him. But, yeah, it had to get done. (laughs) [00:08:22]

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause) What are you thinking about? (pause)

CLIENT: Work. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Um. You know it's interesting because I left my other job because, you know, it was getting very unpleasant working with the person I was working with. And this job I really enjoy a lot of what I'm doing, but it's really tough to work with Harrison at times. And it's a small ten person office and everybody seems to agree that he can just be so difficult at times to work with. [00:09:56]

He hardly makes time for things that need to be done because he needs to be involved in everything. So there's a lot of, you know, scheduling and rescheduling. I usually, for example, Patriots Day, I took the day off as I normally do. In my old office we were closed, but we're open here so I took the day off.

And he knew I was planning to take the day off. He said I could and, you know, I had invoices ready way in advance for the two of us to review so I could get them out the door. And he knew that and I kept telling him, "Whenever you're ready." [00:11:02]

And I came in on Tuesday morning after Patriots Day and, you know, the first thing he says to me is that he's worried about invoices. We really need to get them out the door. It's like, "Well, I've been telling you that for the past week and a half."

THERAPIST: So do you feel he doesn't listen?

CLIENT: I wouldn't say he doesn't listen so much as he doesn't process what you're saying to him.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: But I have to repeat things to him quite often. And, you know, there are things that I have said to him in the past, you know, asked him about in the past, mentioned to him in the past.

And, you know, he's acknowledged and had some sort of response to, but then later on he, you know, that same day or that same week or something, he'll ask about it again as if we never had that previous discussion. (laughs) [00:12:30]

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm hm. There's something he's not taking in. How long have you been working there for?

CLIENT: It would be a year at the end of June.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: One of my plans is once I finish my degree this month -

THERAPIST: Oh, you finish at the end of the month?

CLIENT: Thank you.

THERAPIST: Oh wow.

CLIENT: Right. I'll have my MA.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Whatever that means. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Why do you mean? It means you have a MA.

CLIENT: It means I have a -

THERAPIST: Does it mean something other than that? (inaudible at 00:13:34)

CLIENT: (laughs) [I don't know.] (ph)

THERAPIST: That was an interesting way of putting it, "Whatever that means."

CLIENT: Well, you know, I've been reading a lot of stuff recently about, you know, "Do you really need an MA?" You know, "How it helps you or it doesn't." You know, looking back I kind of wonder how much I've learned in the program versus how much I've learned actually in the field.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know, I feel like in the end it's just going to be a title type thing. And, you know, because most of what I've learned has been in the field. But my plan is to start my job hunt again over the summer and maybe find something else.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause) Did you do it sort of part time in the evening, the degree?

CLIENT: It was an online degree with University of Southern Mississippi. [00:14:44]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Very intensive. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I sort of like the challenge of the program.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. What about it in particular?

CLIENT: Specifically, I always, I pride myself on my ability to juggle a lot and prioritize and time management. And that's one thing I liked about it is, you know, it dumped a whole bunch of stuff on my plate and, you know, the specific deadlines that I had to meet each week. I like the challenge of getting everything done. [00:15:45]

THERAPIST: Hm. (pause) So you can manage a lot.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's another reason I like what I'm doing at work, because I basically, so to speak, I make the office tick. I'm the only non-designer in the office. So I'm handling all of our billings and our invoices coming in and going out, our HR type stuff and the general office management. I enjoy having a full plate. [00:16:50]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I had a mixed weekend. I went out with A bunch of people were getting together in our local furry group, and so I decided to go to it. They hold this luncheon, it's actually right around the corner (laughs) from the condo and so I actually went to it. And it was interesting because there were only seven of us. And I didn't really feel a connect. [00:18:06]

It's a problem I've had going out with some of these people in the past is I feel it's hard to connect with some of them. And I was kind of glad when I left. (laughs) You know, it was nice to go out with people but (pause)

THERAPIST: What feels missing in that connection?

CLIENT: You know, I'm not one hundred percent sure. I was trying to figure that out myself. I mean (clears throat), they're all people that have same, similar interests. I just found it hard to really, you know, connect and I was more like a silent observer for most of the meet up. [00:19:46]

THERAPIST: Hm. What did you observe? (pause)

CLIENT: People chatting, looking at videos. Like somebody, the topic of old cartoons from, you know, I think like the nineties came up. So somebody brought up on their phone a couple of videos. I observed people having a generally good time together. And, you know, I wouldn't say that I didn't have a good time, but I just wasn't as active a part to the situation as I would have liked to have been. [00:20:46]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) What would that have looked like? (pause)

CLIENT: I'm not entirely sure because in other situations I have noticed myself in similar positions, like a silent observer. (laughs) You know, one thing that usually makes that different is, I guess part of it is having something that almost forces me to be more active. [00:22:05]

You know, we had gotten together with some people to play board games a couple of months back. And, you know, at first we were just sitting around in the living room talking, I was really the silent observer. But then when we actually gathered around the table and started playing some games I was a bit more active in the conversation.

Something about just not having something that ties everything together in the center. I don't know if that makes sense.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) And so when you said mixed, it was mixed because of that experience? [00:23:21]

CLIENT: No there was some good things in the weekend too. I got together with a friend on Saturday and I had a good time. (pause) You know we tried something I've never You know, new experiences and we actually did some weird, I wouldn't say weird Um. (laughs)

We (pause) did this fun little role play thing and it was actually really fun because I got myself into this headspace that I just hadn't been in before and really, I was really happy. [00:24:42]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I wasn't thinking about anything else outside of the moment.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And that was fun.

THERAPIST: What was the role play about?

CLIENT: (laughs) (pause) Um. (laughs) Uh. (pause) See -

THERAPIST: Was that too direct of a question?

CLIENT: (laughs) No, no, no. Um. I just have to remember, you've heard it all. (laughs) Or very close to that I guess.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess it's probably literally impossible to hear it all, but I've heard certainly quite a bit.

CLIENT: Um. I guess it's what you could call almost like, I guess Maybe, yeah, that is the right term. What they would call "Pet Play" I guess. [00:25:58]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And so that was basically it. I was playing the role of a pet almost. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: It was fun. I mean, you know, just almost like escaping for a bit.

THERAPIST: Mm. What kind of pet? Were you a particular kind?

CLIENT: (clears throat) A pup.

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm hm. (pause)

CLIENT: And it was a good time. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know, it was something I've never done before. I was very (sigh) nervous and anxious, but I was like, "Hey," you know, "let's try it." And I'm glad I tried it. [00:27:09]

THERAPIST: What did it feel like to be in that, to be a pup and be in that headspace?

CLIENT: It felt (pause) It felt good. It felt fun. You know, I can't really think of anything, any specific, anything more specific than that. You know, I sort of forgot about everything going on in my life.

THERAPIST: Hm. What did you do as a pup? [00:28:09]

CLIENT: Just, you know, played around. You know? My friend has this big like yoga ball that we played with. And, you know (pause) It was all very innocent and fun.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) (sound of phone vibrating)

CLIENT: I thought I had turned that off. But yes, very innocent and fun. But I felt good for the rest of the day. And when I woke up Sunday morning I sort of, I wouldn't say crashed, but (pause) I definitely came down from that high. [00:29:23]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Which is why I was really looking forward to going to that meet up on Sunday. That was sort of a letdown, but (pause) I definitely plan to hang out with this friend again and do that.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. Who was he?

CLIENT: Um. Just another furry friend that lives in the area.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. Yeah. I guess my question wasn't specific enough.

CLIENT: Oh.

THERAPIST: In the role play who was he?

CLIENT: Well like just (pause) I guess caretaker or something, yeah. [00:30:35]

THERAPIST: Not another pup though.

CLIENT: No. (sound of phone vibrating) Do you want me to turn that off?

THERAPIST: It's up to you.

CLIENT: It stopped. I don't know. (laughs) But, yeah, pretty much a caretaker.

THERAPIST: Did he take good care of you.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Hm. That sounds nice.

CLIENT: Yeah, it was definitely a lot of fun.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: So what was the crash on Sunday?

CLIENT: I had a very slow morning. You know? I slept in until eight, which is very rare for me. I'm usually up and out of bed around six-thirty. And, you know, I'm not sure if that's just because I was tired or what. But I just had a very slow start to the day. Yeah. I had had so much fun Saturday that you know I woke up Sunday and it's like back in reality. [00:32:15]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And, you know, it sort of, I could say I hit that brick wall of reality.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Sunday morning. (pause)

THERAPIST: Was there a particular reality that hit you or that you hit maybe?

CLIENT: I would say the main thing is the reminder that I am once again alone.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: Yeah. I almost felt like this weekend was two steps forward one step back, mentally and emotionally. [00:33:29]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I'd say I felt (clears throat) better Sunday night than I did Sunday morning. Especially once I started, now I started getting myself into things I had to get done.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause) Do you think about Liam?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: A lot. (pause) You know, we still chat online a couple of times a week. I have friends coming in this weekend for a graduation. And, you know, they had purchased tickets for a lunch cruise up on the harbor on Sunday that they wanted to do. And, you know, they had gotten four tickets and, you know, I asked him if he still wanted to come and, you know, he's coming down for that. So that's nice. [00:34:57]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: They really like him so they would love to spend some time with him. And I think it will be good for us to continue nurturing this friendship. But I do still think about him a lot and, you know, wonder, "What's he doing? What's he up to?" You know? (pause)

He sent me a message (laughs) Friday night after I got home from dinner with some friends. He had sent me a message complaining about how much his father talks and he had forgotten how much his father talks. And, you know, so we (inaudible at 00:35:57).

I'd like to say I'm making the transition pretty well into friendship, but there's still quite a few moments when I have to remind myself, you know, things have changed.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: It's not like that now. (pause) And I think that's the one thing that hit Sunday morning is, you know, waking up and realizing that a lot has changed over the last couple of weeks. [00:36:54]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) When you do think about that, how do you feel?

CLIENT: I feel sort of responsible for the change.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I guess one feeling that's been strong throughout the entire process is I almost feel like there's something wrong that I can't control and I'm somehow being punished for it. [00:38:11]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: Yeah that's been strong for me.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: The feeling of being punished for something.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. Are there other thoughts that go along with that? (pause) [00:39:30]

CLIENT: Nothing I can really think of. (long pause) [00:40:44]

THERAPIST: Where did your mind go?

CLIENT: Just thinking about those moments and trying to think about what else is, you know, what other emotions are present there, feelings.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Specifically, yeah, just thinking about those moments where, you know, I feel like there's that punishment or something.

THERAPIST: Mm. It seems like a stronger version of what you were talking about at the beginning of the session. A feeling that you're being blamed for things about which you're not the author. Punished has a little bit more of a stronger edge to it, but the same kind of idea. [00:41:46]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Do you think they are related? I mean is it the same kind of feeling?

CLIENT: I would say there's a distant connection. I mean, yeah, punish is a much stronger feeling.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I mean, being blamed is like you know, "You're responsible for this even though you're not the person who created it. But, you know, I hear that you're not the person that created this but you're responsible anyway. This is something you need to fix." You're somehow at fault. [00:42:42]

You know, punished it's that action. It's, you know, having something taken away. And it's that feeling that I recognize where things went wrong between us. And I just (pause) Some of it was my own actions that I feel there are things that I need to try and learn how to work on. But I feel like, you know, there's something, like I said, that's just there's something wrong somewhere that I'm just being punished for that's out of my control. [00:44:06]

THERAPIST: Mm. Is that a feeling I'm sorry go on -

CLIENT: I just sort of like, going back to last week almost, the whole volleyball thing.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And, you know, it's a similar feeling that I felt then. You know, it's not my fault that I can't see the ball coming at me, but I still, you know, I'm out there and I am open to this public, I wouldn't say public humiliation, but public -

I guess that's the closest word I can think of right now. But it's not my fault. You know, it's not my fault I don't see the ball coming but yet I still have to be out there doing this and [00:45:22]

THERAPIST: I was actually I don't mean to interrupt, but we're going to need to stop in a moment. But I was thinking about that as you were describing this feeling of being put in a position that can harm you but that you can't do anything about. And somehow maybe you're being blamed for this.

Somehow you're supposed to do something about something for which you have no control over.

I mean that seems like a really important feeling for us to sort of continue to think about and understand together.

So I will see you next week then at the same time.

CLIENT: Okay. Sounds good.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: (sigh) Off to work.

THERAPIST: I know. Take care.

CLIENT: You too.

THERAPIST: Okay, buy bye.

THERAPIST: Thank you.

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