TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi, come on in. (pause)

CLIENT: (sigh) Just a quick housekeeping thing. I got your statement. Do I take care of that with you?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Okay. That can just go on the card that worked last time.

THERAPIST: Okay. That's fine. I'll double check that. I don't always keep the credit cards on file. I'll double check. But okay.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: That's fine.

CLIENT: Perfect. So that was that.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So I was thinking a lot this week about something you had said last week. And I guess I'm a little confused on exactly what you meant. It's when you had mentioned that I didn't seem as grief stricken as you had expected. [00:01:10]

THERAPIST: Hm. Mm hm.

CLIENT: And so I was just a little I was just wondering what exactly that might've I know we talked a little bit about it when you had mentioned it, but in thinking about it over the next few days, I just was confused.

THERAPIST: Um. I guess when And I don't know how you feel inside, for sure.

CLIENT: No, I mean -

THERAPIST: I guess what I was commenting more is on about you were talking about it, that you hadn't talked about it. I mean you certainly mention it. It's not like it went unsaid. But it does seem like a lot filled in the space. You know, even in terms of your life. You know, with Liam having left your life, at least as a romantic partner. And I think that's what I had thought about. I don't know if that clears that up.

CLIENT: That does. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that does.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. I mean inside, as I said, I have (clears throat) my moments. But it's one of those things I feel each time I talk about it, you know, I end up feeling (laughs) worse than I did before I talked about it. [00:02:32]

THERAPIST: Mm. Worse in what way?

CLIENT: Just pretty much back to stage one. Feeling down and upset that it's, you know, that it's over. And it's sort of like I feel like each time I talk about it I end up taking a step backwards in processing everything.

THERAPIST: Hm. (pause) Well I guess, in a sense, maybe it's how you define a step backwards. Like if feeling badly is a step backwards or a step toward processing it.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: I'm not saying "no" that one is true. But feeling bad isn't necessarily a step backwards. [00:03:25]

CLIENT: Right. Yeah, yeah, I guess that makes sense. It's however you define it. For me, my definition is, you know, I want to move past it. You know? It is what it is. It's not anything that's going to change. And, you know, while I go through moments of being upset about it, the majority of the time right now I'm sort of okay with it. (pause) Primarily because we still are involved in each other's life in some way.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Friday was his graduation. And that was a long day with (laughs) his family and the heat. But it's fun and after the ceremony and all the family stuff in the evening, you know, the two of us went out with his brother and sister-in-law. And that was fun. [00:04:38]

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause)

CLIENT: You know, I think after we spent so much time together at the convention the weekend before, things feel a lot more, you know, genuine on that friend level. And, you know, Friday I wasn't -

You know, there were those moments because, you know, and everything for the past five years is, "Oh, us" and "we." And, you know, "Oh, it's like that time we did this." There's still those moments but, you know, I'm not reminding myself as much that, "Oh, not like that."

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) Do you think it's hard for you to feel sad? [00:05:40]

CLIENT: I don't think it's hard for me to feel sad. I think it's hard for me to express it. I'll feel sad inside, but as far as actually, showing that to someone else how I feel, that's what's difficult. (pause) It usually takes something, you know, something big to get me to show those emotions.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) Does it feel like a matter of not wanting to show, or just not knowing how to express them? [00:07:06]

CLIENT: It's a little bit of both. (pause) It's a little bit of both. I mean there's very few people I feel close enough to that I'd be comfortable with showing that side. And just not knowing the right way to express my emotions sometimes. [00:08:00]

(long pause) [00:09:24]

CLIENT: And that's it. I have no problem showing (laughs) when I'm happy. It's just it is when I'm sad or down that I really just don't show it.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I mean that was one of the problems with Liam, I guess, is that, you know, if I was upset or just not feeling right I wouldn't say anything or outwardly express that. [00:10:22]

(long pause) [00:11:56]

THERAPIST: What are you thinking about? (pause)

CLIENT: Nothing, really. I mean my mind was just, really just wandering -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: at the moment. (pause) I mean it's interesting because each, recently, you know, every so often I'll be texting back and forth with a friend and, you know, they'll ask, "Well, how are you doing?" And, you know, I'll take a minute before I actually answer that because I know they're asking, you know, how are you doing in regards to this. [00:13:03]

And it goes back to, well, I don't want to talk about it because each time I talk about it, you know, I get a little upset. And that's one reason why I sort of mask my emotions.

(long pause) [00:14:48]

THERAPIST: Are you worried that people don't want to see you upset or don't know what to do to respond to your pain or sadness?

CLIENT: Not really. I think I'm just more worried about You know, I'm the first person to offer a listening ear to my friends. And at the same time I don't really want to bring my troubles to them for some reason.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I think part of that is the fear of what I learned (laughs) throughout all this is that, you know, "Gee, will I be able to count on these people as much as they seem to rely on me?" [00:15:56]

THERAPIST: Mm. (long pause) [00:17:40]

CLIENT: Yeah, I think I waited a week before I called one of, someone specific. You know, I was talking to other people, but I think I waited a week before I called another friend who, you know, was who I practically grew up with. You know, and the first question was, "Why didn't you call me sooner?" And (long pause) (sigh) (pause) [00:20:22]

THERAPIST: Did you have any thoughts about that? The question, "Why didn't you call me sooner?"

CLIENT: Not really. I mean, I basically I (pause) without really thinking about it I strategically contacted people. You know? I started with the people I thought I could rely on the most. You know, this specific person, she was my friend that was supposed to come up one weekend and ended up having issues with work. Which while I said I understood, still it was a little frustrating. [00:21:20]

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (long pause) [00:22:44]

CLIENT: Last week though I have been feeling like I'm getting back to business as normal. Which is good, I guess. (pause)

THERAPIST: When you're quiet are you deep in thought? Or are you not sure what to choose of what you're thinking? [00:23:51]

CLIENT: [More like the second.] (ph)

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Not really. Just there's multiple things there and I'm trying to (laughs) focus on one.

(long pause) [00:26:06]

CLIENT: I actually made a new friend recently who seems to be just what I needed in a friendship right now.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Which is good. You know? We've hung out a lot. It seems like someone I could depend upon and, you know, (pause) we've sort of become quick close friends, which is nice. (pause)

THERAPIST: What do you like about this person?

CLIENT: They sort of mirror me in, you know, personality and (pause) he challenges some of my thoughts, which are good, and some of my opinions. [00:27:20]

(long pause) [00:28:04]

CLIENT: So it's someone that just seems to be there, which is good too. (pause) At the same time he seems to be looking the same thing I'm looking for which is, you know, that type of close type friendship.

(very long pause) [00:30:51]

THERAPIST: What are you thinking about?

CLIENT: Right now I actually am (laughs) thinking about something specific. So Fourth of July weekend I'm actually going to visit some friends in D.C. And I'm excited and worried about that because technically, you know, these are people that have been friends with Liam longer than they've been friends with me.

And also D.C. is really, you know, what I would say is Liam's city. But, you know, these are people that also consider me as close friends as they consider them. And, you know, they offered for me to stay with them. And so I'm excited to, you know, go see these people and get away for a couple of days.

But I'm also worried about going there and, you know, just the fact that these are really his friends first and it's his city. You know, just that constant reminder all weekend. (pause) [00:32:18]

THERAPIST: That you would be reminded of him?

CLIENT: Yeah. And, you know, memories we've had together when we visited both these people and D.C.. (pause) Yeah, it sort of goes back to, you know, showing my emotions and the fact that I, you know, I don't want to go there and be the downer all weekend. (sigh) (pause) [00:33:25]

But at the same time I know that it's good to get away and, you know, go visit these people just because they're good friends and we'll probably have a pretty good time. (pause)

THERAPIST: You seem more quiet today.

CLIENT: (laughs) I think it's more or less the topic.

THERAPIST: Mm. How so?

CLIENT: I don't know. I'm just having trouble, you know, figuring out what to say. [00:34:29]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: I try to avoid my emotions, you know, even though I shouldn't. And so when we're talking about that it's really finding relatable topics is difficult. (pause) (sigh, deep breath) (pause) [00:36:13]

THERAPIST: Are you worried what would happen if you felt your emotions more?

CLIENT: To be honest, I honestly don't know.

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm hm.

CLIENT: I mean that's the thing. I feel them, they're there. It's just the acknowledging and expressing them that doesn't happen. (pause) Maybe throughout the breakup with Liam, as I think I had mentioned, there were times when I feel I needed to let out, you know, I needed to cry or something and I just, I couldn't do it. (pause) You know, I knew I would probably feel better afterwards but I just couldn't. [00:37:55]

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause) Did you have a sense of what was blocking you?

CLIENT: Not really. I mean that's the most frustrating part is, you know, feeling upset, needing to express it in some way, but not being able to and not understanding why.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It sort of kept taking me in a loop. (sigh) [00:38:55]

(very long pause) [00:42:29]

THERAPIST: What are you feeling now?

CLIENT: A little confused. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm. Mm hm. (pause)

CLIENT: A little confused or frustrated. As I, you know, think about this I try and (pause), try to find a reason. You know, what could be blocking? [00:43:12]

(long pause) (sigh) (long pause) [00:45:03]

THERAPIST: Well, Benjamin, we're going to need to stop for today. Let's think more about this next week. Okay?

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay. I will see you then.

CLIENT: (sigh)

THERAPIST: Take care.

CLIENT: Thanks. You too.

END TRANSCRIPT