TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Before we get started, I just wanted to look ahead to the week of the 17th.

CLIENT: That Monday, February 17th.

THERAPIST: It’s President’s Day. So I’m going to be out of the office that day.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: And I wondered if we could reschedule for Tuesday or Wednesday or the Friday before.

CLIENT: Well, maybe we can just skip it.

THERAPIST: If you’re feeling up to it. I know we’ve kind of scheduled some extra sessions lately. So.

CLIENT: Well I don’t know. I’m just like starting to get worried about the cost of stuff, so. Let me think.

THERAPIST: Well, if you want to plan on skipping it and see how you’re doing next week.

CLIENT: Yeah, okay.

THERAPIST: And if you feel like you need to schedule an interim schedule, we can kind of find a space on either the Friday before or the week after.

CLIENT: Okay. That works.

THERAPIST: Okay. How are you doing this week? Today?

[00:54]

CLIENT: Kind of okay. Sort of…like I was doing fine yesterday and then today I had like a freak out again. And I was just like, you know, because there seems like there’s nowhere to do work in my apartment and there’s nowhere nearby my apartment to go to do work, which might not actually be true.

THERAPIST: You just don’t know the area well enough yet, or…?

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean like I guess there’s the Panera, which, you know, not going to walk in and listen at like the…with the laptop in my backpack. Like it’s just, I was like I should be applying for things, but I haven’t applied for anything. It did, even on Tara.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And so it turns out she’s actually unemployed right now too, though, she’s out in Branbury. So like she suggested one list that I should get myself on that they like list jobs every Friday. So. But.

THERAPIST: That might turn out to be a useful tip.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So you were able to e-mail her.

[01:56]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And you weren’t able to post…

CLIENT: I just [inaudible – 01:57].

THERAPIST: …the resume to anything else?

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And I decided not to e-mail the person. Like I just don’t know that I want to go back to volunteering at the Pawtucket Historical Society. I feel like if I am going to volunteer somewhere, I should try to find a new place. I think.

THERAPIST: How come? What’s more…?

CLIENT: For a different experience.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Maybe not, and I guess I also like half the fun of being at the Historical Society was like being able to hang out with Tara and stuff. And you know, that’s all fun. And it would be more serious. Which is fine considering, like, you know. I guess also it could be a lot more, like I wouldn’t really have any sort of like archivist supervision or like I’d have to be figuring out everything for myself for like, you know, which would be fine if it were a real job. But like if I’m going to be volunteering, I want to like, I don’t know; I can’t really articulate it.

[03:11]

But I guess if I wanted to go back somewhere else I could go back, possibly. It said the divinity school library. So that will end up looking very very weird on my resume because it’ll have like, you know, summer 2009 to 2010. And late 2010, 2011 summer. And then, you know, three years later, so.

THERAPIST: Is that an option?

CLIENT: I don’t know. I thought it is. I mean I’d probably only be doing about four hours a week because that’s what I did last time. I’m pretty sure they don’t have…and I could see if they’re…because I doubt they’re looking for someone paid right now. But I bet I could volunteer there again. Like they liked me. They liked the work I did. And I’m on good terms with them. The only reason why I left was school. So, I’m pretty sure I could go back to volunteering there if I wanted to because I’m pretty sure that’s…

THERAPIST: Well, even though it’s separated in time, it might be nice to see that sort of continuity on your resume. Because it’s…I mean I think if you’re not employed by the time your time at the museum ends, then having something to do that feels productive and keeps you in contact with people is really important both, primarily, for your mental health. It doesn’t make you feel good to not have any structure to your day or week. So having something in place like that just to give you some structure, sometimes, would be beneficial to you independent of any job connections or anything that might also bring.

[05:03]

CLIENT: True. Yeah. And I wouldn’t be that far away. So.

THERAPIST: No. That’s a pretty good commute.

CLIENT: Yeah. If it were nice then I could even walk it. Not, if it’s going to be like weather like this.

THERAPIST: In March it won’t be.

CLIENT: Well, March, can go either way, so. Yeah. I’ll let you know, though, if they would want me to come back.

THERAPIST: So I know you started by saying yesterday you were okay and today you started freaking out again. What was the difference between yesterday and today?

CLIENT: Yesterday I had lots of things to do and stuff, maybe. Today I was feeling trapped. Like yesterday we went out to the [inaudible – 05:49] for lunch and then like there was a Super Bowl party in the evening. But today, I just freaked out. [Tearful] I just can’t. Like I don’t think I can handle those boxes by myself. It’s like every time I try it’s really scary. Like if Sydney says he’ll help me, but I have to wait for him. So I do feel out of control. And like sort of trapped in there by the table and like…like I shouldn’t have let my parents bring up the table because now it just makes everything worse because, like we cleared out some of the boxes, there are still like a good like 10, 15 boxes that are still there. And they’re just in the way. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to get them out of the way.

[06:46]

And, you know, I got the, like the electrician came to do the outlet, but I still have to wait until tomorrow for them to do the sink and the toilet and the sink is driving me insane, just having it like constantly dripping. And like, you know, it won’t stop. I can’t get it to stop.

THERAPIST: No, you need the plumber to come fix it.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And that’s on order.

CLIENT: Yeah. I had no clue until like I finally asked today because like he never told me that he was sending like anyone else out in the first place. And then like, you know, I wasn’t sure if they were all going to be together at different times. So I guess he’ll be coming by some time tomorrow. [Tearful] But I just don’t want to live with, I don’t know, but I’m just thinking, you know, like even if I do find something, like it’ll probably, like things that I’m seeing a lot of them are like, you know, part-time no benefits. Or a lot them are part-time, pro-rated benefits. But like, you know, maybe I am better off moving back with my parents in Connecticut and working at the store. And I mean I’ll be miserable, but at least I’ll be employed.

[08:03]

And then, you know, when my parents retire, I could own the store and then I’d be making a decent income and I wouldn’t have to worry about supporting myself because I’d have something.

THERAPIST: When are your parents planning on retiring?

CLIENT: I think, at this point, in the next five years. So pretty soon. Like they’re in their 60’s. Originally I thought they were going to retire when they were like, would be eligible for Social Security. So but pretty soon.

THERAPIST: So is that a realistic option for you?

CLIENT: Possibly, I mean, I can. But I think it might be…

THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound very promising.

CLIENT: Well, neither does working for like, you know, maybe I’ll be lucky if I find a job that gives me $40,000 a year. Maybe. I’ll probably be working for a lot less than that and like, if I’m even working at all. You know, like say, volunteering in my field doesn’t really seem that realistic either at this point.

I don’t know. I mean. It’s possible I could like live at home, like work in the store part-time and like maybe volunteer at an zoo like at Columbia or something like that part-time. But like…

[09:24]

THERAPIST: Have you, have you been looking at jobs, also, in surrounding your parents area as an option of maybe living there and working in your field?

CLIENT: Not yet. I should.

THERAPIST: I wonder if that might be a better next step than abandoning your intended career to work at their store. You’ve never shown an interest, in here, of actually working at their store.

CLIENT: No. I mean I actually like the…like the job that my mom does, like if she weren’t doing it, like that I’d be probably doing it. I like all the financial stuff. The cashing up and payroll…well, I guess I’ve never done payroll. Really. Like that kind of thing. It’s just the standing up and the customers and the retail part is the part that I…

THERAPIST: The customer facing part.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean like things have changed a lot and now they have like an up to date system. When I was working there in high school, they didn’t. And so it was like pretty miserable to like do special orders and all that and, you know, and I was like if I were working at like The Gap or something, then I would have just been like ringing things up and everything would have had bar codes on it and stuff. So like I sort of resented the haphazard nature of some of the stuff in the store that like, you know, it wasn’t all in the system and, you know, if I screwed up, then I couldn’t just…I had to like have someone else come to fix it. Like I didn’t actually have the authority to fix it myself because someone had used like the total void to steal money from the store. So they took it away from everyone.

[11:07]

I actually could have done it on my own, but like because I had my dad’s account and I knew his password, because he had like told it to me before. But like since the protocol was that I wasn’t supposed to use total void, I would have to like call someone down so as not to like, you know, if another, didn’t want to like bring up trouble if there was a second cashier, I’d be like, oh, look, I can do total void and you can’t. So, and because that’s what they told me to do.

So I was miserable when I was working there in high school. And I’m sure…I guess it would still be miserable if I worked. I guess the other problem is if I were a cashier, then they’d be paying me like maybe if I’m lucky, they’d be paying me $10 an hour. But I guess if I were living at home, it wouldn’t matter because then I wouldn’t really need money for anything except spending money.

THERAPIST: Well, focusing on, you know, kind of the present, what do you want your goals to be for yourself? Is it just to survive? Is it…what’s the goal?

CLIENT: [Tearful] Well, like part of the fear is also like this is freaking me out too, is like I’m so afraid now that because I was like, you know, they did the test that I’m pre-diabetic. I’m like so afraid I’m going to get diabetes. And if I were at home, at least, you know, I’d be eating salad on a regular basis and stuff. And I, you know, would have healthy food there that I wouldn’t have to like go to the grocery store for, and I wouldn’t have to, you know, like whereas here I have to get over that hump of like going there and sometimes I don’t feel well, like you know. If I get takeout or something, then that’s pushing me further and further and I’m so afraid I’m going to get diabetes. And I’m like [inaudible/crying – 12:58] going to happen because I don’t know what else to do because I don’t have the self-control to just like go to the grocery store and do all the things that I need to do on a regular basis.

[13:15]

Like sometimes I’ll go to the grocery store when I’m feeling up for it, but it’s not a guarantee that I always will. And I get so afraid and the way that [inaudible – 13:25] eats and like, you know, he wants to eat out less, but we haven’t really been doing much eating out. Like it’s just so unhealthy. And I need to get to lose weight. And I’m just so afraid that I’m not going to.

THERAPIST: Do you feel like you need your parents to be in charge of that?

CLIENT: Well, I feel like I need someone else to be buying groceries. Like, you know, when I was at the old place, I didn’t have to buy groceries because Aimee would buy the groceries. But now I have to buy the groceries myself. And I don’t think I’m always capable of doing that, you know. I usually, I often will go for these. And also having the tiny kitchen that I feel like I can’t cook in. Even today, like, if we were having meat, like I was having a sandwich and I was going to have a salad with it, and I needed a fork and getting a fork required getting this giant box of silverware out because that’s where the meat silverware is. And so then like Sydney got the box out for me. But then it was on the table and like I had no space to like actually make anything. It was just like really cramped and uncomfortable and like having an actual kitchen that like had space in it would make it easier, you know.

[14:42]

THERAPIST: So it sounds like part of the difficulty in cooking in your kitchen is that there are still boxes in the way.

CLIENT: Well that wasn’t…that’s the box is supposed to be there. That’s like the container for the meat silverware. But it’s big and heavy. But then to get back on the shelf, like I wasn’t going to be able to do that by myself, so I didn’t even try. But Sydney was already back in the other room and was busy and we were…kind of got in to a fight…

THERAPIST: See, that sounds like a really difficult situation. If you’re not able to access your silverware by yourself.

CLIENT: Well, the meat somewhere and the dairy is somewhere. I can access by myself.

THERAPIST: But that’s a…

CLIENT: But the table is in the way. Like we got the boxes are in the room. Like if I put, like, you know, put the table against the wall or something, like…

THERAPIST: That would give space.

CLIENT: I can’t do that yet. So yeah, it feels like I can’t really do anything. And then I [inaudible – 15:36] like, you know, there are tons of, I have all these groceries that like, you know, all the ones that were in the fridge are in the fridge. But all the ones that were dry like are in bags on the table because I don’t have a place to put them. So like I really don’t have the space to like be able to easily like make healthy food and eat it. And therefore, I’m afraid that I’m going to just keep on, you know, and like with Sydney, it’s not healthy eating habits too. Like, I’m just so screwed if I stay here. Like, you know, my parents, like food, like there will be dinner and it might not be that good, but like, because I’m a better cook than my mom, because I think, there will always be dinner and there will always be salad at dinner and you know, even if the food is heavy, I can eat less of it. I’m eating more meat and stuff there and less, just, you know, a la carte ever. So.

[16:38]

I just don’t want to get diabetes and I’m scared out of my mind. And I think I feel like the only way to do that right now, like, ‘cause I don’t think I can move in to a different place, like, at least until August. So I feel like the only way I can do that is to go home.

THERAPIST: It’s a very big leap. It’s a very big decision to make based on that fear.

CLIENT: But it’s a really scary fear.

THERAPIST: Yes, it is. I think I’m not at all minimizing your fear about developing diabetes. I understand why that’s so scary and that that is a real possibility if your health continues in the same path. The tunnel vision that you see only one option to avoid that feels unrealistic to me. That, that is one option.

CLIENT: Like I can’t, I can’t see myself making it work in the apartment. It’s too small. Like the kitchen is too small. [Crying.] Everything is too small. And I don’t see a way for myself to like be constantly eating healthy there. And maybe if I only bought vegetables that like didn’t require preparation or something, that I could just eat whole, maybe that would help. It must be something. If I had cucumbers or whatever.

THERAPIST: Well, I think there are lots of…the sort of direct connection you’re making between the space difficulties and what you can do in them feels limited to me or maybe it’s the combination of yes; it might be more difficult, but picking up and moving is also really a big hassle. So what makes it seem easier to you to uproot your entire life and move to your parent’s house than to prepare a salad?

CLIENT: Because one you have to do on a regular basis over and over again and there’s space. The other one you do once and then it’s done.

THERAPIST: Ah. Yeah. So it’s not wanting to make a lifestyle change. And for some reason, not seeing as picking up and moving into your parent’s house as a lifestyle change. That would be a big lifestyle change to move in and live with your parents again. To give up that independence that you fought pretty hard for a couple of years back.

[19:22]

CLIENT: But I feel like I’m wasting all their money, especially now that my job is ending in March and not in like June. [Tearful.] I don’t want to waste all their money.

THERAPIST: If you move out of your apartment, are you allowed to not pay your rent? Or is that like…can you break…?

CLIENT: Breaking the lease would be less expensive than like seven more months of rent. Or I guess I paid February’s, so six more months of rent. I have to look at the lease and see.

THERAPIST: Yeah. That might be sort of a real life consideration to see what would happen if you broke your lease; if he would allow you to break your lease.

CLIENT: Yeah. I have no idea. I’ll look at it. Or maybe I could sublet it or something. Even if I didn’t get all the months of it, it would still be, you know, even if I got like five months or whatever, that would still be like saving my parents money. I mean I don’t know; it’s probably not realistic for me to move back, but I’m just…

THERAPIST: But you’re very focused on that as a solution.

[20:25]

CLIENT: I just can’t deal with like the tiny kitchen and like living here and being far away from everyone and I feel so isolated. I don’t have any friends anymore. [Crying.]

THERAPIST: Would that be different in Connecticut?

[20:40]

CLIENT: Well, at least then I’ll have my cat. I guess the place is in no shape for me to bring [inaudible – 20:48] back with me. I have to wait until March anyways because my parents, like, are going to Jordan and I have to cat sit for them, or house sit, well really cat sit because they ended up taking in like, I thought they were going to time it so they wouldn’t have any foster cats while they were in Jordan, but they ended up taking in a pregnant mother who like, hasn’t given birth yet. So like the kittens will still be like in their care by the time they’re in Jordan. So I have to…

THERAPIST: When is this trip?

CLIENT: It’s…I think they leave on March 18th, I think. You know, it’s a Tuesday. So that’s when they leave. That’s right after my [inaudible – 21:34]. So originally, you know, it’s going to be like, oh, well, I’ll have like a short commute for those days. And now I’ll have no commute because I won’t have the job.

THERAPIST: What would your plan with Sydney be if you moved to your parents?

CLIENT: I don’t know. I mean we might have to break up. I guess he wouldn’t want to be coming over all the time and, I mean, we can see each other less often. But I don’t know. But I’m just, I mean we’re driving each other crazy right now because he won’t…he refuses to like believe me that like this apartment is a problem. And just tells me to calm down and I tell him…

[22:25]

THERAPIST: So he doesn’t see it as a problem or…?

CLIENT: He thinks like he…yeah, he doesn’t. He thinks it’s all workable, but I’m like, you know, you’re not the one trying to live in it. I have.

THERAPIST: So what is he’s seeing that’s different than what you see?

CLIENT: I have no idea because he doesn’t see a small kitchen as an issue. But there are all the boxes in the way so I really have no room to maneuver or to put food or to do anything. I guess he thinks moving stuff around is fine or like we can eat take out all the time is fine or something. Like I don’t know what. But like, you know, we got in a fight today and I’m driving him crazy. And like this might also bring us down the road to breaking up too.

THERAPIST: What was the argument today?

CLIENT: Me freaking out about the house and him telling me not to freak out and eventually I was starting get in to it because I was getting really annoyed at him and there were some things said, so. He eventually sort of like…

THERAPIST: Who called names?

CLIENT: I called himself righteous and stuff because I thought he was sort of like telling me that I was wrong and he was right and, like, oh clearly the apartment isn’t the problem, it’s you. Like he never said that, but like it seems like he was implying that. So, [inaudible – 23:54] and ended up yelling at me and like freaking out. And then I was just so…I need to get out of this apartment somehow and I don’t know how and I can’t do it for another seven months. I can’t.

[24:18]

THERAPIST: You definitely need to get out of this cycle; this cycle of feeling that there is, you know, so much that’s out of your control and continually looking for the one thing that will solve all these problems. And getting out of the cycle might mean getting out of the apartment and being in a place where your parents or someone else takes on some that responsibility for daily life tasks because it sounds like they feel really overwhelming.

CLIENT: They are and I just don’t trust myself to take care of myself.

THERAPIST: Another way of getting out of the cycle is to start doing some of that stuff so that it doesn’t feel so trapped. I mean it sounds like…yesterday you said was a much better day because you were busy.

CLIENT: But I wasn’t doing anything after like sustaining self, going to the grocery store; things that I’m supposed to be doing. Like I was just avoiding everything. You know, I don’t know how that solves the problem. And like I’m just afraid the…

THERAPIST: Avoiding things don’t solve the problem. But using the energy that you use to e-mail Tara, to go to the Superbowl party, you have that energy and that can be used sometimes for social things and sometimes for managing daily life. But it sounds like today you didn’t use the energy to do that.

CLIENT: Well, I e-mailed Tara today, but that was because it was a really small simple task.

THERAPIST: But an important one. What else did you use your energy for today?

CLIENT: I didn’t put together the bills for my gas and electric and sent those out. Like the tax [inaudible – 26:06].

THERAPIST: Okay. An important task to do, to take care of your finances.

CLIENT: Yeah. That was…and I e-mailed the landlord asking about when he was going to send out the plumber for the sink and the toilet and God, there are lots of other. But like I just feel so trapped in there. It’s sort of like where’s to write any cover letters or do anything like that? Like I need a place to escape to or something like…it’s just…

[26:39]

THERAPIST: It doesn’t really take that much space to write an e-mail, so I wonder what felt…because obviously you wrote the e-mail to Tara…

CLIENT: It’s an e-mail; it’s not a cover letter. A cover letter takes a lot more work. I have to be able to focus on like reading the job description and stuff and I just wasn’t able to do that.

THERAPIST: So I hear you that, yes, writing a cover letter takes much more work, but it doesn’t take much more space.

[27:08]

CLIENT: Well, it takes more sanity. And I don’t feel like I have the sanity when I need the space. Like I don’t feel like I can focus, I can do work while I’m in the space. Like I need to go to another room because there’s no other room to go to. With the old place, like I never wrote cover letters in my room. I would usually like go to the TV room or go to the living room or something like that.

THERAPIST: What makes a different room better?

CLIENT: Well, just because I’m used to like, oh, this is the room that I’m Interneting and goofing off and not getting any work done. And then, oh, going to a different place, oh; it feels like more, oh, I should get more work done because I’m this different place.

THERAPIST: And ideally, that helps having sort of a separation from your work space and your play space. So that would be ideal, but it sounds like it’s not possible. So…and it’s also not necessary.

CLIENT: I think it is necessary. I really, really do. You know, if I could…maybe it would just require taking the bus and going to the Square and going to one of the coffee shops here or something.

THERAPIST: You can do that for sure. You have the subway. You may have places you could even walk to.

[28:30]

CLIENT: Not in this snow. I really don’t want to walk in the snow. But, you know, if I could make myself do that one day a week, like, I mean yesterday I was busy, but if I could do that like normally; like if I use some days for that, then maybe I might have a chance of just…I’m so afraid not everything will, you know. I’m just losing control of everything. Like I really think that I can’t take care of myself.

THERAPIST: You’re certainly…you’re not taking care of yourself right now. I think that is…the reality is that you aren’t taking care of yourself right now. And I don’t think you have been for quite some time. In the way that you describe how often you’re getting yourself fresh food and, you know, sort of how long it’s taking to unpack some boxes. You know, I think you’re quite right in that you’re not taking good care of yourself. That doesn’t mean that you can’t, but it does mean that you’re choosing not to right now. And figuring out what you can choose to do, which things you can’t, and what to do for the things that you feel you really can’t do, what to do instead.

CLIENT: Well, [inaudible – 29:52] that actually believe that I can’t take care of myself.

THERAPIST: I just said that I, you aren’t. I’m agreeing with you that you’re not.

CLIENT: No, you’re saying I’m not. You’re saying I’m choosing not to. That’s different than can’t.

THERAPIST: I guess it would take evidence that you’re never able to do those things vs. the pattern that I’m seeing is a lot of fear and anxiety around doing those things. But a history of being able to accomplish tasks. I see there are a lot of times you’re successful in doing something that you didn’t believe you could do. I don’t want you to sell yourself short. And I’m not saying that it’s not an okay path to go move in with your parents. But I think that we do need to see that that would have benefits and costs. And I don’t want you to take on a cost that might be bigger than the benefit you get. I don’t know what the value, because it’s sort of how that weighs out. I ask questions so that you evaluate both sides and that you don’t think it’s problematic when you only see one choice. Because that doesn’t allow you to evaluate, maybe, some of the other choices or do a balanced evaluation of what that particular choice is.

[31:22]

CLIENT: I see the other choices as staying and not taking care of myself. Like I just can’t. It’s too hard. [Tearful.]

THERAPIST: And you don’t feel that you can do a better job any of the days than what you do.

CLIENT: [Tearful.] Not right now. Like, you know, when I go to work every time, like I thought, like, oh, going to the grocery store won’t be so bad going after work. But by the time I get home from work, I’m just, you know, after that drive, I’m just so dead, it’s like, you know, shaking and don’t want to drive anymore. I don’t want to do anything else, and then I can’t go to the grocery store after that.

THERAPIST: What’s the shaking?

CLIENT: Sometimes like if there’s been lots of traffic or like if I’ve been tired and like been forcing myself to stay awake so I can get home.

THERAPIST: I didn’t know about that.

CLIENT: I mean it doesn’t happen every day, but it happened this past week.

THERAPIST: Is this the first time it’s happened this week?

CLIENT: I don’t know. It’s definitely happened this week. I don’t always pay attention to it. It’s usually, I, lately, as of late, I usually, when I come home I’m like shaking or something unless I like leave work really early or something.

THERAPIST: I’m sorry to hear that. I didn’t know about that.

CLIENT: Yeah. I actually, I took it really really calmly when they told me that my grant was ending in March. Part of that was probably relief from not having to deal with that drive anymore, because the drive is just so really horrible.

[33:05]

THERAPIST: Taxing.

CLIENT: It’s so bad. Which is why I really didn’t want to work in Westford either because like, you know…

THERAPIST: It would be the same thing in a different direction.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean it would be slightly less, but it would be pretty bad. So, like I can’t keep doing it. And I won’t.

[33:25]

THERAPIST: It’s, I mean it’s temporary. So I guess that’s another piece of why it’s not that I don’t believe you that things are really difficult, but right, you know, sort of the light is at the end of the tunnel in terms of the commute. And if that’s part of what’s making it so hard to make other choices that would be adaptive for you, like eating healthier or having a space to exercise more in your day. Any sort of space, time-wise.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You know, maybe that will…maybe you’ll feel differently then. I don’t know.

CLIENT: Maybe. Maybe I should just like temporarily stay with my parents a little bit more while I’m finishing the job.

THERAPIST: It does really cut down on the commute for you to do that. And that was something that you had mentioned a week or two ago; what about staying with them a couple days a week.

CLIENT: It didn’t happen last week because we were originally going to go out…well, we were planning on going out to the north end. It was going to be Wednesday. After we left work early, I want to say, but then Sydney wasn’t feeling well. So we ended up not being able to go then. So.

THERAPIST: So maybe this week or next, thinking about giving yourself a temporary reprieve and seeing how that, seeing how having a reduced commute a couple of days impacts you and maybe gives you some energy to devote to something else during the week that impacts you positively.

[34:54]

CLIENT: And then I’ll have time to relax before doing something. I could even possibly write job applications in the evening. It’s the commute. It’s so bad. But then like even though I don’t have it on Mondays and Fridays, like I just feel like that rest of the time is sort of making up for all the times I don’t have it in the middle of the week.

THERAPIST: Yeah. So I mean it sounds like at the beginning of the session, all of the distress was really related to the space and feeling trapped in your apartment. And now as we’re talking, it sounds like so much of the distress and exhaustion is related to the commute. And I think they’re both probably stressors, right. They’re both environmental stressors. Not having a space where you feel comfortable is definitely a stressor. Feeling kind of claustrophobic; definitely a stressor. The long commute – and it sounds like there’s anxiety when you’re driving, especially if there’s traffic – takes a toll on you.

CLIENT: I guess it just seems so natural that I forgot that it wasn’t like, that’s not how everybody feels when they drive. And like usually it’s fine in the morning; it’s the evening one that is a problem.

THERAPIST: Is the traffic different, or is it that you’re tired at the end of the day? What’s the difference?

[36:16]

CLIENT: Both, I think. Maybe I should like get a coffee to bring with me on the way back, which, I don’t know if that would be the healthiest choice, but maybe that would fix the problem because yeah, they’re like…and it’s dark. The dark is not helping at all. So…

THERAPIST: That kind of makes it harder to drive.

CLIENT: Yeah, I think, in the summer it wasn’t that bad because it wasn’t dark out when I was driving. But the darkness just…between the darkness and the traffic at night because usually, the traffic hits when you hit like 93. And the being tired from work. Because usually, like, usually it’s around 3:00 o’clock in the afternoon that I start getting tired and bored and antsy when I’m doing my work. So I come off feeling sort of blah, even if like, you know, the very beginning of the day I’m like yay; I get to do work. And like, actually, happy to be there. But you have that like so ready to go home.

THERAPIST: So it seems important to acknowledge these things too in factoring in how you feel in your apartment because the stressors you take with you from being tired at work, the commute, you bring home with you. And those are temporary now. You won’t be carrying those particular things with you six weeks from now.

[38:01]

CLIENT: True.

THERAPIST: I don’t know how much of an impact that might have, but hopefully it will get to be some relief to not have those pieces and I don’t know what, you know, what else will change by then. Maybe a different job; it may not be.

CLIENT: If I could just get myself out every day and like, you know, when I’m not working. If I could just spend the day like at a coffee shop or maybe on Yale’s campus or something like that. But maybe I should go back, like I don’t know if I could still hang out with them, but like, personally, I always did like work [inaudible – 38:41]. And then you’re like with other people and then you could get worked on and I would go to those. Maybe go to those to write cover letters.

THERAPIST: Yeah. And if it’s not, [inaudible – 38:57] can certainly get in touch with them.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And you think having a place to go, you know, maybe checking around your area a little bit and seeing if there’s a place that you can hang out, get to easily, whether it’s on Yale’s campus or some place near your apartment. Having a place where you feel comfortable is really important.

CLIENT: Yeah, right now I don’t have that.

THERAPIST: Right now you don’t have that.

CLIENT: That still doesn’t solve the healthy eating problem and with me being so terrified of… [Tearful.]

THERAPIST: It doesn’t. No. It can’t solve all the problems.

[39:35]

CLIENT: I really don’t want to die of diabetes.

THERAPIST: Of course you don’t. That’s a big leap.

CLIENT: I don’t want [inaudible – 39:40]. [Crying.]

THERAPIST: Nobody is saying that you’re going to die of diabetes.

CLIENT: People are saying that I’m [inaudible – 39:48] to getting diabetes and I don’t want to get diabetes.

THERAPIST: Yes. That’s…of course you don’t. But let’s separate those pieces. You can’t jump from pre-diabetic to dying of diabetes. There’s a long path there and there are spaces where you can reverse that. So right now, it feels too overwhelming to take some of the steps that you need to take in order to reverse that. But that’s not, you know, that’s….there are lots of years there where, hopefully, we can tackle some of these problems so that you can choose to make better choices.

CLIENT: Uh huh. I guess I didn’t realize it would be a span of years and not like I’ll get diabetes like. Like I’m still at the very very like beginning of that pre-diabetic spectrum. Like I have the lowest possible results. That reads…

THERAPIST: So that sounds encouraging.

CLIENT: Yeah.

[40:52]

THERAPIST: You know, I’m not a medical doctor, but in my limited knowledge of diabetes, Type II Diabetes, which is what they’re talking about here, you know, people die of…the dangerous piece of diabetes are the secondary complications. It takes a while to develop those. And if you’re, what they’re saying is you are pre-diabetic, right – you’ve got some symptoms that if you continue along this path could develop in to diabetes – it sounds like we’re talking about longer term issues and space to intercede and…

Right now you have a number of things you’re trying to tackle. You’re trying to tackle the housing issue, finding what’s the best place for you to go, is there a way to make this place livable? You’re trying to tackle the job issue. Can you find something in your field, you know, for when you’re finished up at the zoo, or at the archive. And you’re also trying to tackle the health, consider the healthy lifestyle issue. But we can’t do it all at once, but there is space. You’ve got time to try to work on these things.

[42:09]

CLIENT: So if I like be going for a few like until I’m finished up at the zoo, then it won’t be the end of the world?

THERAPIST: I don’t think so, but I can’t make those guarantees. But I don’t…it doesn’t feel like you feel capable of making a concerted effort. So it doesn’t really matter if it’s okay. You have to be able to make it.

CLIENT: I can do what I can.

THERAPIST: So well then that’s the best you can do. And I firmly believe, as you feel frustrated by, I believe that you can make these healthier choices. It seems like you feel frustrated by my belief that you can do that. But you, I can’t make them for you. I can’t make you do things. You can only do what you feel capable of doing.

CLIENT: I just feel capable of doing so little.

THERAPIST: Then start with the things that you can do. Do the little things you can do. What can you do today after you leave here?

CLIENT: That’s a loaded question. Well, if Sydney actually comes down, like he didn’t come with me if he was going to, he was still planning on doing his session in person and I didn’t bring any sort of like computer or anything with me, so, because I forgot about the whole if he comes down, then I’m waiting for another hour for him to finish. So if he brings the laptop, then maybe I can like eval other people or write a cover letter or something, possibly, in the next hour. Otherwise, maybe I can work on the one box that’s in my room.

THERAPIST: Sounds good. That sounds like a good plan. Thinking about one cover letter or one box. One thing. One thing is manageable.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So let’s make that the plan for today. If he comes with the computer, then you do one cover letter. If not, you tackle one box and get that piece off your burden.

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

THERAPIST: Then I will see you next week at the normal time.

CLIENT: Uh huh.

[END OF AUDIO.]

END TRANSCRIPT