TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Good afternoon.
CLIENT: Thanks; you too. (sigh)
THERAPIST: Is it a good afternoon for you?
CLIENT: It is a good afternoon.
THERAPIST: Well I�m glad to hear that; I always am.
CLIENT: So I just got a call this morning; I got a temp job.
THERAPIST: Congratulations.
CLIENT: Thanks; I had the interview for it on Friday, and it was actually like doing work in the archives/records management department of this (pause) drug research company. That�s actually, you know, right on � it�s on West (inaudible at 00:00:38) between Central and Stanford. And -
THERAPIST: That�s convenient.
CLIENT: Yeah, then like because � I guess because, you know, since the agency usually picks a person and sends them. But this time, the agency saw the posting online, and it was like posted to a couple of other temp agencies, so they actually had to interview me, which meant that I actually got to see the space that I�d be working in. (pause)
THERAPIST: So you already had the interview?
CLIENT: Yeah, I had the interview on Friday.
THERAPIST: Okay. On Friday; okay.
CLIENT: And then he had said that they�d probably hear back by Wednesday, and then they called me today.
THERAPIST: And you were accepted today?
CLIENT: And I accepted it. Because if they don�t actually know � I know the range discussed was like $12-$14 an hour, but I don�t know what number was actually settled on, because I couldn�t ask that kind of question there. (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, but the important thing is got a job.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: For some period of time, in a convenient location.
CLIENT: Six months with the possibility � or high probability of extension. [00:01:39]
THERAPIST: Wow, that�s pretty long-term.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: So in a good location; doing something that�s enjoyable, and you�re in your area of expertise.
CLIENT: And I don�t have to dress up; I wore this suit to the interview, and I wore like used shoes that look good, but are really uncomfortable if you walk on them for some time. Like he showed up in jeans, and a button-down shirt, (chuckle) and I was just -
THERAPIST: So that�s your code?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: That you can wear jeans and nicer shirt?
CLIENT: Yeah, so after all of that shopping for more professional looking outfits -
THERAPIST: Well you can put them away for another time, and you need them.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: So when do you start?
CLIENT: Either the 9th or the 16th; I don�t know which.
THERAPIST: And you also have some time which is nice, because one on the things you were worried about was your being called in the morning, and having to show up that day.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And so having a week of � at least a week of prep time to kind of prepare yourself -
CLIENT: And I have to do drug test, and now I�m like starting to worry a little about the fact that I �m on Klonopin will be a problem, since it�s a controlled substance, even though it�s a good controlled substance I have a prescription for. [00:02:55]
THERAPIST: That you have a prescription for.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: That�s not what they�re looking for most likely.
CLIENT: Probably not, but I don�t if I have to like, you know, I mean I probably should � I don�t know if there�s a way of like letting them know ahead of time.
THERAPIST: Yeah. They usually give you some information about what they�re actually looking � what they�re actually testing for; not all drug tests are the same.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: So you may be able to, you know, get some information about that.
CLIENT: Yeah, I�ve gotten no information other than this drug testing, and the place right near the temp agency that I went through. But yeah, that is all I know.
THERAPIST: Yeah, well you�re not doing anything wrong.
CLIENT: Oh no, I know that I�m not doing anything wrong, it�s just is this thing that I am doing that is necessary for my psychiatric health something that will set off, and look like I�m doing something wrong? (pause) But I just assume it would; I can�t be the first person who�s like, you know, especially if people are ADD and on like Concerta, or something like that, which is even more controlled than my Klonopin is. Like it probably � it won�t be too much of a problem. [00:04:08]
THERAPIST: Yeah, I would doubt it�s going to be a problem.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I�m a little bit nervous now, but like when I had the interview, so we started off in a room that was nice, and was very obviously not the room I would be working in. But he then gave me a tour of the area and stuff, and so I was fine when I was down, and I didn�t panic or anything; it didn�t set off any this will be really a depressing scene.
You know, because then we were being in the same room as a person who is my supervisor and stuff.
THERAPIST: So you won�t be isolated.
CLIENT: I won�t be isolated, because the researchers come in every day, except for Friday I guess. And like for an hour a day, they come and give you the notebooks and stuff, so I would be interacting with them too. (pause)
And I�d be doing a few different things; it�s not just one thing. It is not the situation last time (overlapping voices)
THERAPIST: Yeah, I know it sounds like pretty good situation for you.
CLIENT: Yeah. And I won�t have to stop any of the things in my social life. [00:05:10]
THERAPIST: Yeah, because the commute is so reasonable.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: Do you know what your schedule will be like? You know that was another thing that concerned you, sort of fitting in therapy; fitting in your extracurriculars. (overlapping voices)
CLIENT: I was instructed not to ask them about that while I was interviewing, you know, before I got an offer. But I think so, I know that in theory, you can stay later; like the way he interpreted it was me asking about overtime. It was like, you know, you can do overtime if things are really busy, but we encourage people to do 40 hours.
But that means that I probably could like have either a morning appointment, and stay a few minutes later to make up the time, or something like that. Like I�ll have to schedule things in the morning, or afternoon, and I�m wondering if between � I think with couples therapy and this, I�m wondering if we could go to every other week, and then I have an appointment a week. [00:06:10] (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, that�s certainly a possibility; we�ll see how you�re doing. I think the biggest thing has to be, you know, that you�re okay. And yeah, if going every other week is something that works for your work schedule, and keeps you feeling like you have enough support, (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah. Okay.
THERAPIST: Have you had another couple therapy session? Did they talk to you after the first?
CLIENT: Yeah, we did last Wednesday. And that pretty well � we did this like role playing exercise in which � well first we discussed (pause)
THERAPIST: (sneeze) Excuse me.
CLIENT: First we had the � it was a conversation about the fact that with arguments like � or the fact that I give up on James when he maybe can do something, but is saying no I can�t. So we were each other, and each of us said the things that � like, you know, I said the things that I would want Sydney to ideally say. And Sydney said the things that I would want him to ideally say. [00:07:17]
So he came up with if he tells me that he probably can do it, he needs encouragement, then I can give encouragement instead of just expecting me to know and give him encouragement without him telling me that.
But then when we switched back and went to the conversation again, it actually was like, you know, me saying, �Okay we need to do something.� and then him saying, � Will you be mad if I don�t?� Which I was like, �Okay.� (chuckle) This is where I would have to either lie or get things (chuckle), or make things worse, because the answer is, �Yes, I would be mad if you wouldn�t do it.�
THERAPIST: And is that not an okay answer?
CLIENT: That is not an okay answer, but it is also not an okay question. She like -
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: So that would be a switch if he can hold off questions like that.
CLIENT: Yeah, we came up with the word (round) (ph) of me saying like, �Oh, well it�s very important to me.� Which to me is kind of like gagged, and like not be dragged, and not say what I mean, but apparently that�s better for Sydney. But I mean I think it�s doable. [00:08:28]
THERAPIST: It�s the truth.
CLIENT: Yeah, it�s not untrue.
THERAPIST: But it�s not sharing exactly what you�re feeling.
CLIENT: It�s not sharing what I�m feeling, and it�s also avoiding a direct question. You know, it�s like that is a yes or no question.
THERAPIST: It�s not a fair direct question.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: As it sounds like the therapist pointed out; that it puts you in a position of either having to lie, or something that you know is going to really upset him. So that�s an unfair question.
CLIENT: Yeah, (pause) it is. (pause) I don�t think we�ve been able to manage to that replicated in real life. (pause)
THERAPIST: Well this seems like a really useful exercise, to have, because these are things that you�ve talked about; being worried about, sort of how you guys talk to one another in an argument, and what�s � questioning whether or not you�re saying things that are fair, unfair, and being able to sort of role play these things. It seems like a really useful practice. [00:09:31]
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) And then the other thing is like over the weekend, we did have a fight over the weekend, which was actually caused by him not being direct in the first place, with like � so we went to his reunion at Providence.
And in the next � well I guess it�s a couple of towns, but like a 20-minute drive away, is this really, really, really, really, really big and well-known yard store that has like all the art ever. And I wanted to go there, but they�re not open on Sundays, which would have the day that would have made the sense. And Friday, we got down early enough, but then he wanted to relax in the hotel, because of all the driving, even though I did most of the driving.
So then I was like, okay, can we do this on Saturday? And what he was thinking is that it wouldn�t fit in the schedule, but he wouldn�t actually outright tell me that. I�m like you�d thought I would get mad at him. If we just did a schedule or anything, and we came to the conclusion that it wouldn�t fit, that would have been fine. [00:10:39]
But he was getting all mad at me like, �Oh, well you only want to go to the yard store, you don�t want to do anything else.� And I�m like, �That�s not true. The reason we didn�t get together with your friends this morning is because you made the decision to sleep in (chuckle). We could have scheduled this. Not my fault.� (chuckle) (pause)
THERAPIST: How did that fight end?
CLIENT: In the end, we came to an understanding it was just like � it got really heated though, because I just got so mad at him for treating me like I was being unreasonable, and it was all my fault. I�m just like those aren�t fair accusations.
Even if he didn�t directly say it�s your fault, he was � his words implied that it was my fault. (pause) When I guess � it was a miscommunication, but it was caused by his reluctantness (ph) to deal with it directly, even though I wanted to use scheduling to figure it out. [00:11:43] (pause)
But (pause) yeah. And plus I actually did sexual things over the weekend, and -
THERAPIST: So it sounds like that�s really been an area of improvement for you guys.
CLIENT: Yeah. It�s just then like that happened on Saturday night, and then last night though we got into a fight. Well I sort of just went crazy for no good reason. And -
THERAPIST: That sounds judgmental; give me the story of what happened.
CLIENT: Because I was just feeling sort of bummed out about not knowing whether or not I was going to get the temp job, and having, you know, met all these people who were really successful, and/or hung out with my friends who are also really successful, and feeling like I was kind of like the failure.
Then also I was trying to knit, and the cat was attacking my yarn, and attacking my needles and I couldn�t even knit. I was just frustrated with the cat, and I just wanted alone time, but Sydney [00:12:53]
THERAPIST: So you were disappointed in yourself; you felt frustrated. That sounds very different to me than �went crazy for no good reason.�
CLIENT: Okay, except that I had a way overreaction, and got mad at Sydney for being there, and -
THERAPIST: Well okay. So yeah, you had good reason to feel upset, but you responded more strongly than what feels reasonable.
CLIENT: Yeah; like the fact that it turned into anger, and I don�t know why it turned into anger.
THERAPIST: So let�s look at that. What � you know, rather than critiquing yourself, let�s look at what happened when � what switched? You felt badly in comparison to these people you�d been spending time with. You felt frustrated with the cat and not being able to knit. How did it turn into anger that got expressed at Sydney?
CLIENT: Well I just, because I wanted to just like relax, and listen to a song and stuff, but I felt like I couldn�t because he was there. And I feel weird watching Internet videos for anything that has sound with him around. I mean there was the obvious solution of using headphones, but it was me resenting not having any [00:13:59]
THERAPIST: Privacy.
CLIENT: Privacy. Because you know, he gets � well now he�s going to get all the free time in the world, because I�ll be out working all day. But even before that, I had my games, you know, twice a week; I had (pause) I haven�t been that good about going to Saints with (inaudible at 00:14:19), but ideally I also have swing dancing, and ideally I also have (takia) (ph). So there are these periods in the evening that I have (pause) or he has free time, and I have fun things, but not (overlapping voices)
THERAPIST: Right. So this is something you mentioned before, that he�s there; he�s in your space; he�s in your apartment.
CLIENT: And like, he�s okay with theoretically planning alone time and stuff; it�s more just like the problem is, I don�t really know ahead of time when I�m going to need alone time, and I just want to be alone. And if it were at his place, you know, I could always go home. But since we�re at my place, it�s like, that would consist of kicking him out.
THERAPIST: Yeah, you feel like you have kind of an intruder. [00:15:05]
CLIENT: Yeah. You know, when there�s the living room isn�t really a place to hang out because it is now completely filled with cat stuff. (pause) So it�s really just the bedroom. I mean I guess I could hang out in the bathroom, but that seems -
THERAPIST: But that also seems kind of unfair; this is your apartment.
CLIENT: Yeah, but it would also be unfair to be like, �Sydney, you have to go to the bathroom now, and stay in the bathroom and not bother me.� (pause)
THERAPIST: But it doesn�t really sound unfair to ask him to be in his apartment sometimes.
CLIENT: Yeah, but the problem is, I can�t do it; like he doesn�t want me to do that when I�m mad at him. And I don�t really realize I want the alone space until I�m like mad/frustrated with him.
THERAPIST: I wonder if it would feel different, even though you can�t predict when you might feel mad or frustrated, if you had time during the week; just had some time apart.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: To have, you know, to have time to watch whatever videos you want to watch, and not worry about your headphones. Or just really be alone. [00:16:12]
CLIENT: In theory, he has his game on Saturday, or on Sundays like every other week. But it just hasn�t happened for the past three weeks. And that�s like -
THERAPIST: As long as every other week is not enough, anyway.
CLIENT: I mean maybe it is; like it�s a stretch of a good four hours, plus transport time and stuff. (pause) It�d be nicer if it were every week, but people aren�t -
THERAPIST: Nicer for you?
CLIENT: Nicer for me. And I think it would be nicer for him too, but -
THERAPIST: Yeah, but it sounds like this is really a need you have in your relationship to have some space, and to have some privacy tweak.
CLIENT: And I just don�t know how to do that, and you know, because sometimes I do want him around, and that�s � I just don�t know how to (pause) set that up, especially with the oncoming me getting a job, and then only having evenings free. [00:17:17] (pause)
THERAPIST: And you�re imagining that if said something like, �I need some more sort of alone time during the week. Could we spend (pause) you know, pick a night at your own apartment; at our own places.� That that would be something that he�d feel really badly about?
CLIENT: I guess it�s just I want alone time, but then don�t want to sleep alone. So if it�s for the evening, then I�m sleeping alone, and I don�t want that. Which it�s why it�s like, why can�t he just have a nighttime activity, like I have one, or a daytime activity or something?
THERAPIST: Yes, you can�t set it up to be exactly what you want.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: It may have to be (pause) some flexibility or compromise. (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah, and I�m not sure how he�d react to sleeping alone. I think he�d be okay with it, but I mean I guess if it was just one night a week. [00:18:21]
THERAPIST: What do you dislike about sleeping alone for a night?
CLIENT: Well, because sometimes at night, I�m feeling bad, and I often will want hugs and stuff, and I can�t really get that. I mean I guess I can hug my cat, but -
THERAPIST: It�s not quite the same.
CLIENT: It�s not quite the same. (pause) But maybe if Sydney weren�t around, because originally the cat would sleep on my head, and he decided to start sleeping in the cat bed outside, but maybe if it were just me in the bed, and not Sydney, I could get the cat to sleep on the bed with me, then I wouldn�t be sleeping alone anymore. (pause)
But that�s a little bit harder to work (inaudible at 00:19:04) because a person will sleep in a bed, but a cat will sleep where a cat wants to sleep. So, yeah. (pause) I guess I could do that for one day a week; I just wish he could just get an activity.
But he doesn�t really like going out at night anyways, because the car accident that he had (pause) several years ago at this point. I�m thinking it was like five years ago or something. But it�s � I guess his anxiety gets worse at night; the car accident is definitely � like it (pause) (sigh) results in him never wanting to drive at night, but I think it also extends to not wanting to go out when it�s dark out either. (pause)
So, (pause) and because he�s depressed, I think it�s harder for him to make a commitment to something (pause) to go after. [00:20:07]
THERAPIST: Yeah, so there�s two side of it; there�s your empathy for what�s hard for him. Then there�s also what your needs in a relationship are and your needs for yourself. And a need for some privacy; some alone time is perfectly normal, even within the confines of a committed relationship.
There�s nothing that says people in a committed relationship need to spend all their time together. (pause) And even all their free non-work time together.
CLIENT: Yeah, and it would so much � like if we actually lived, and had a two-bedroom apartment, I could just go to the other room and that would be fine. Like I don�t need him to be out of the building, I just -
THERAPIST: But there isn�t that space in your apartment.
CLIENT: But there isn�t that space in my apartment. (pause) So -
THERAPIST: So it does mean either him being out of the apartment because he�s got his own thing going on, or spending some time in your own apartments.
CLIENT: Yeah. So, (pause) I guess I will suggest that to him. (pause) It still doesn�t explain why it turned into so much anger, and I was just like, oh well, even if we do have a sex life back, in theory I�m still mad and angry, so obviously this didn�t solve the problem. Therefore it wasn�t the only problem; therefore, I don�t even know if things are going to work and sort of haven�t. [00:21:32]
THERAPIST: Ah. So how did it become about sex?
CLIENT: Well it wasn�t about sex; it was just thinking, oh I thought that sex would make this not happen anymore.
THERAPIST: Being mad at him?
CLIENT: Yes; for being that mad at him. Especially in this case, because he didn�t do anything wrong.
THERAPIST: But you were feeling resentful.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And so can you name what exactly you felt resentful about?
CLIENT: (pause) I guess the lack of privacy. I�m not sure if there was something else there, but I think it was the lack of privacy.
THERAPIST: Yeah, feeling kind of trapped and limited by it. That�s what -
CLIENT: Well it was already like 10 or 11 at night at that point. So, I couldn�t have reasonably asked him to spend the night at his place.
THERAPIST: But it sounds like it wasn�t really about anything that happened that night; it was feelings about a pattern that happened to, for whatever reason, come out that night. [00:22:44] (pause)
CLIENT: But I still don�t want to feel that angry, and I want to figure out how to not feel that angry. (pause)
THERAPIST: Well it might be that feeling like more of your needs are acknowledged and respected can help you to not feel that angry. And some of those needs are sexual, but you have as a complex human being, you have lots of needs. You have a need for privacy; you have a need for sexual fulfillment; you have a need for companionship; you have a need for feeling, you know, productive.
And there�s lots of those things that haven�t been met. And some of those things, you expect your partner to help you with, and some you don�t. I have a feeling, you know, you�re carrying a lot of guilt about needing your parents� financial support, and that�s not a need that your boyfriend can help you fill. [00:23:48]
But there are needs you kind of expect him to help you with. The sexuality piece; respect for privacy and boundaries is something that we really do negotiate in a relationship.
CLIENT: Yeah, and it wasn�t like he was being overly invasive or anything, I just -
THERAPIST: He was overly there.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Not just in that moment, but he�s been overly there (pause) for a really long time.
CLIENT: But it�s not like it�s something that I constantly get annoyed out or anything.
THERAPIST: When does it annoy you?
CLIENT: (sigh)
THERAPIST: When are the good times and when are the hard times?
CLIENT: I guess it just annoys me when I�m � well either if I�ve already been fighting with him about something. And then just want to get away, and can�t. (pause) Or, it�s just like when I felt like I couldn�t do something I�d want to, just because he was there.
THERAPIST: You would feel limited. [00:24:48]
CLIENT: It�s just like I feel self-conscious. (pause) Like it�s not even like I�d be doing anything on the Internet that he wouldn�t like or anything. It�s just (pause) I feel self-conscious being watched. (pause) And even if he wouldn�t actually be watching me, you know, anything with audio sound would something he could hear.
And I don�t know why I was so angry that I thought that headphones wasn�t a good solution. (pause) But because they�re his headphones, and ideally I�d just be able to do it without headphones. Which is stupid, because especially that sound of my computer sucks and headphones make that better. My computer can�t be that loud anyways, so I don�t know why I was all like yeah, I want to watch videos without headphones, when maybe headphones would actually be the solution. And it just wouldn�t give me another time where I�m mad at him.
THERAPIST: If you were maybe at that point too mad to accept a reasonable solution, because you just wanted to be mad. [00:25:53]
CLIENT: Yeah probably.
THERAPIST: Sometimes once you start feeling something, you�re so vested in that perception. And having that feeling, and having your perception of the issue match what you feel, and it�s hard to let in an alternative. You know, I think that�s something I�ve I think we�ve experienced together, when there�s something that you see or you believe to be a certain way. (pause)
You�re pretty set on it, and it�s hard sometimes to have flexibility to see another solution or another option. In this case that [might be] (ph) the headphones, but -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: It�s just I think, once you have a strong enough feeling about something, it can be really hard for you to step back from that particular scenario.
CLIENT: Yeah, but even like I thought it wasn�t like headphones never crossed my mind; they did. (overlapping voices)
THERAPIST: But you weren�t going to let that (disway) (ph); if you�d accepted the headphone solution, (pause) then you would have let go of being mad. [00:26:56]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Because it wouldn�t have made sense to be mad anymore really. And maybe you didn�t want to let go of being mad right then.
CLIENT: Okay, but then how do I like, if I want to feel something, stop wanting to feel it?
THERAPIST: Well, (pause) what makes it � if you had asked yourself, �What do I really want? Do I want to be mad? Or do I want (pause) what�s the alternative?� What would have been the alternative? (pause)
CLIENT: Well I guess possibly Sydney going home for a few hours. Like having the place to myself for that night. Possibly, I mean this one wouldn�t actually be possible, but it would be nice if he could like take Sammy with him for an evening, because that�s the other thing, is that -
THERAPIST: Oh, you�re also frustrated with the cat.
CLIENT: The cat, and I couldn�t � I can�t get away from the � I guess I can shut the cat out of the room for awhile, and (pause) you know, it won�t hurt him, because he�ll have access to his food and his litter box. But it does make the cat upset, but I could be just like whatever; I don�t really (chuckle) it�s not like it�s that cruel to shut him out of the room for an hour or something. You know, I wouldn�t be abandoning him for a day. [00:28:13] (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, so not only did you feel kind of trapped by Sydney, but you also kind of felt trapped by the cat.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, so we�re identifying some stuff here. (pause)
CLIENT: And I guess I also (pause) I will turn this to silent (pause) there we go; okay, it�ll stop buzzing now. He (sigh) I guess because he was the one who was more excited about getting the kitten, and I have been considering getting an adult cat. And then, yeah, this is actually � it was actually a good decision, especially because now I decided I�m going to � because I don�t even like, though I did get an extension on the signing the lease, I decided I didn�t want to spend my entire salary on rent.
So I�m looking to live with roommates, and one of the people who I�m going to be talking to (pause) is � she has a cat too. And the thing about Kelly is that she can�t deal with other cats, we found out. (pause) So if I�d adopted Kelly, then I�d be in a bit of trouble in terms of I couldn�t live with someone else who had a cat. [00:29:32]
But, well I mean, then again, there�re all these other cats besides Harrold and besides Kelly that I could�ve like gotten an adult can who wasn�t either of them who didn�t always try to claw me. And so it�s just I know it�s temporary; he�s a kitten; he�ll stop being a kitten; he�ll probably be less crazy always attacking my yarn and stuff.
But it�s just like ah, here I am not being able to knit. I�m finally knitting again, and I can�t.
THERAPIST: And partly because this was Sydney�s influence.
CLIENT: Yeah, because he was the one who really wanted the kitten.
THERAPIST: So being mad at the kitten and also being mad at having to incorporate Sydney�s opinion and need or something.
CLIENT: Especially because originally, I was sort of thinking it was like you know, when I decided to let my parents keep Hank, I didn�t even think I could keep � care for a cat. And was like, terrified of getting one. (pause) Was like okay, I don�t need a cat. So � I mean in the end, it was like I don�t mind. Taking care of the cat isn�t the problem, it�s the when he goes crazy, and claws and (pause) won�t let me knit. (chuckle) [00:30:44]
THERAPIST: Frustrating behaviors, and then you kind of � part of you thinks I�m dealing with these because of Sydney.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: It�s not completely separate.
CLIENT: Mm-mm.
THERAPIST: And so that�s part of why you felt so mad at him.
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) But I don�t know how to stop � (sigh).
THERAPIST: Well, so I mean there�s two parts of that. Part of that is (pause) you know, maybe something to work on as part of the couples therapy is balancing whose needs are being met in the relationship, and are there compromises in both directions?
And how much are you compromising of what you want and you need? And how much is he compromising? How much compromises are needed to be? I think that�s something that might be � that you need to kind of look at in couples therapy, so that it feels balanced. When it�s imbalanced, is when those feelings of resentment, and anger crop up and you�re clearly feeling those sometimes. [00:31:46] (pause)
The other piece to look at, and this is maybe more of your own work is, once you�ve made a compromise; once you�ve agreed to something, being able to accept responsibility for it. I mean so Sydney voiced his opinion about wanting a kitten versus a cat; you agreed. Well, so now you�ve agreed to that, you have to sort of take responsibility; that�s your decision now. That wasn�t Sydney�s decision; you decided to agree to his need.
And so looking at this in the bigger picture, it�s not just about the cat, but it�s about looking at the pattern of the relationship, and looking at if you�re agreeing to these compromises, then you really have to own them, once you say okay. You don�t necessarily need to say okay to everything, but once you do, then that�s a Georgia decision, not -
CLIENT: Then I guess the other things was that it like it didn�t help that he wasn�t happy with me being mad at the cat, and I was like, �Cat, I shouldn�t have gotten you.� Things that it�s okay to say to a cat, because he doesn�t speak English. But it was like, �You�re saying all these horrible things about the cat.�
THERAPIST: Yeah, so you�re feeling really judged. [00:32:49]
CLIENT: Yeah. Like I�m not allowed to be mad at the cat. (pause) So (pause) yeah, it was just this whole � so maybe that�s when I started being mad at him; the things I don�t really remember exactly what -
THERAPIST: When the feeling came.
CLIENT: Yeah, the cat came first I think. And then it was him, and I think that might have been it, but I�m not sure. (pause)
THERAPIST: Well I think going through these examples is useful in thinking about when; when are the patterns getting repeated? And when do the feelings � those feelings of anger, and feelings of resentment; noticing when they come up, because if there�s patterns; if there�s repeated instances; similar types of things going on, then they�re really important to talk about when he and you�re in your couples work. [00:33:55]
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) It�s just not being able to stop myself in the moment. That just is really frustrating.
THERAPIST: Understanding the feelings can help you to make choices about how to respond them. When you feel overwhelming, and we can�t understand why we�re feeling a certain way, it�s hard to choose an appropriate response.
It�s not so much that the feeling is inappropriate, but it�s the way, you know, the way you express it, or the way you respond to it, that you have some control over. (pause)
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: When really, it feels out of control. (pause)
CLIENT: I don�t � I just don�t know like � when I had � when I was gone for weekend, I missed Vicodin and at was first I was really happy to be back, but then it just sort of was all overwhelming and I have no privacy. And the cat is trying to claw me. [00:35:08] (pause)
He goes through � like he can be really really sweet, but he also doesn�t know better about using his claws on people, even though we�ve been trying to teach him. Then he was, you know, my arm was moving around, and it makes sense that a cat would want my (overlapping voices) with yarn.
THERAPIST: Sure, that knitting sounds like a fabulously fun game to play for cats.
CLIENT: Yeah, but it�s like, you know, I can throw him off the bed, but that doesn�t actually teach him why I�m throwing him off the bed. (pause) And that�s why we can�t reason with a kitten. (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah and it can be really frustrating.
CLIENT: I guess it might mean that I�ll have to take my knitting out of the house in the future. (pause)
THERAPIST: Yeah, find another place to go for now, until he kind of grow out of that.
CLIENT: Yeah. I think he�ll grow out of that. (pause)
THERAPIST: Or, I mean another solution; one of the things that you said, you know, you were sort of mad at Sydney for not helping you there. Right? [00:36:17]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: What if he had taken a ball of inexpensive yarn, and gone and played with the kitten someplace?
CLIENT: That probably would have helped. Well actually I don�t know, because some cats, you know, they�ll know that you�re trying to � if this is a ball of yarn that is meant for the cat, he�s obviously going to want to go for one that�s meant for you. So it might have worked. But yeah, Sydney wasn�t really helping or anything. (pause)
Oh, (chuckle) and the other thing that had went wrong was I was supposed to give him his oral meds, and his oral meds were really goopy, and I didn�t know whether I could probably do it. Sydney was like, �Oh well, it�s probably fine.� And I�m like, �How can you know? What if these medicines are ruined forever?�
And in the end, waiting, giving it some time to warm up, because it has been � it�s supposed to be stored in the frig, but I�m thinking the frig was too cold. But this all confused me, because the first bottle of meds was fine, and this should be the exact same thing. But still, you know, that going wrong, and I can�t even medicate the cat, it just all exploded. [00:37:29] (pause)
THERAPIST: You felt really overwhelmed, and like you weren�t getting enough help; enough space; enough empathy.
CLIENT: Yeah, because then also I was resenting the cat for having to medicate him, and having a medication � I mean it�s not his fault that the medication went weird, but, you know, (sigh) (pause). I am having to medicate him until his ringworm goes away.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So, (pause) and basically everything piled on top of each other � and probably, I mean, didn�t help that I � I guess I only had to drive that last half hour or so, so (pause) that probably wasn�t a big factor, but yeah, just all (pause) went in together to the ball of craziness. (pause)
THERAPIST: A lot of things it felt like you weren�t getting enough � too many responsibilities, and not enough help, and not enough attention to sort of what you wanted and needed.
CLIENT: Yeah, because I feel like I�m always � you know, I don�t mind always being the one to feed the cat or clean the litter box, but if I�m always the one to have to put him down, or get him off the bed, or get him out of the way if I�m trying to eat or something like that, just feels like � like he�ll sometimes attack Sydney too, but I think he goes for me more often. [00:38:49] (pause)
THERAPIST: Well I can understand your frustration and resentment that you were feeling.
CLIENT: It just feels like I made such a mistake by getting a kitten in the first place. (pause) Because clearly, I couldn�t handle a kitten.
THERAPIST: Does it feel like that all the time, or it feels like that � it felt it in that moment?
CLIENT: It felt like that in that moment; it doesn�t feel like that all the time. Most of the time, he�s really sweet, and he�ll sit on your lap, and you pet him and you know, be really really nice. It�s just when he gets crazy playful, because I couldn�t get a second kitten to play with him. And if I had gotten a second kitten, it probably would have solved most the problems. So the two could have just played with each other, instead of coming to get me.
THERAPIST: Then he does need your play.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And Sydney�s.
CLIENT: I mean I don�t mind playing with him, I mind the fact that he claws me during this play. (pause) And not as bad as Sydney is; Sydney�s arm is all marked up, that it looks like he�s cutting himself or something, but it�s the cat. [00:39:58] (pause)
Even on my way to the job, I was trying to get dressed for my job interview, and the cat was following me around, and then he ended up � I think he clawed my finger by accident. But he clawed my finger to the point that it was bleeding, and since I didn�t have any Band-Aids, I needed gauze and tape. So I came into the interview with my finger with gauze on it and stuff, because the cat had clawed me so bad. (pause)
THERAPIST: That�s hard.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: I wanted to take a minute just to also check in about exercise and eating, which we know are things that have been on your list of things that are important to you.
CLIENT: Yeah. So something I�ve actually been doing for eating is that we�re getting sushi, and I don�t like fish that might always have vegetables in them. And, you know, it�s vegetables, and rice and seaweed. So it feels a lot healthier than a lot of the other stuff I eat. So [00:41:09]
THERAPIST: It sounds like a good addition.
CLIENT: Yeah. It�s kind of expensive, but Sydney really likes it, and doesn�t mind paying for it. So I think that�s helping with eating, and the exercising; I haven�t been doing as much. I mean, since I got the job now, I�ll be walking to The T for however long that takes, and then walking from The T to (pause) the office, which is � that�s a 10, 15-minute walk; maybe a little bit less. But so I�ll be getting more walking in.
But I haven�t � my Tuesday contra had three weeks off, and I think this week is (pause) this week is the second or last week of it. But, you know, but I couldn�t (chuckle) because of like the social barriers with swing dancing, I haven�t made myself go swing dancing all the weeks that I didn�t have contra.
THERAPIST: So on these days when it�s not rainy, which feel few and far between, but are there? Maybe even before work starts, not relying on work necessarily to get you those walks; maybe taking advantage of this weather to practice those walks. [00:42:24]
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I should do that, and I � I have been walking about � we did a lot of walking at Providence, and a lot of it was uphill, and I felt tired from that. I was like wow; not going to contra dancing is clearly not helping.
THERAPIST: Yeah so see if you can fit some of that in this week.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: Anything else we should catch up on?
CLIENT: (pause) I think we should figure out (chuckle) the scheduling.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I know you want help with that. All right, so let�s turn to that. (pause) So anyway, you said you weren�t quite sure of your start date.
CLIENT: Mm-mm.
THERAPIST: Would you want to meet this Friday on the sixth? Is a way to get one in in case you start on the ninth, we can get one in without having to worry about the schedule.
CLIENT: Okay, that works. [00:43:21]
THERAPIST: I have a 3:30 I could do that day.
CLIENT: Okay, let me put that in my calendar.
THERAPIST: That way if you start on the ninth, it�s (pause) one week where you sort of where you don�t have to juggle it.
CLIENT: Okay. (pause) 3:30 you said.
THERAPIST: Yes; so 3:30 on the sixth. (pause) And then I would assume by then, you would know your start date.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And maybe we could take that into account and schedule all the other days?
CLIENT: Okay. (pause) That works.
THERAPIST: And I definitely have like an 8:30 spot every other Monday. [00:44:18]
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: So that would get you �
CLIENT: That could probably work. Then I�d probably get in at 10.
THERAPIST: You know, you could probably get in even before 10, because you�re right on the metro line.
CLIENT: Oh true.
THERAPIST: So if we do 8:30-9:20, I don�t see why you wouldn�t be there by -
CLIENT: Oh yeah, that would get me in at like 9:30, and then I could just stay an extra half hour. (pause) So we�d start that on Monday the 16th.
THERAPIST: (pause) I can�t do the 16th, because I have an every other week spot, but I could do the 23rd at 8:30. Do you want to put that in for sure?
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)
THERAPIST: So I have that in.
CLIENT: I�m going to write you a check right now.
THERAPIST: Okay. (pause)
CLIENT: Today is the second, right? [00:45:24]
THERAPIST: That�s correct. (pause)
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