TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: You�re behind on one month. (Pause). So where do we start?

CLIENT: I feel like�I guess I have two things that are probably connected. One is finding myself getting angry about things a lot, probably more easily than I normally would. Those have been going on for such a long time that I don�t really know how long it�s been. And then the other thing is being under lots of stress and wanting to figure out ways to not be as stressed.

THERAPIST: I think probably the connection between the two is there. You know, when you�re feeling stressed, there�s less capacity to have perspective on a situation and respond to it in a moderate way, and I wonder if some of the anger you�re feeling is because you don�t have a lot of emotional tolerance because you�re feeling really stressed. [00:01:19]

What are you noticing that you�re getting angry about?

CLIENT: Usually with Sydney, usually with things that�like chores and stuff. One that I just got so pissed off at him. So he had told the couples counselor, we had a whole discussion about the dishes and he had mentioned if I was�well, A that he got things done more if he was awake early in the morning, because he�s actually a morning person even though he�s also an insomniac, so often sleeps through the morning. And so said that he would do the dishes. And then�

THERAPIST: That�s actually something you mentioned�

CLIENT: OK, so I mentioned that, and�

THERAPIST: And you were waiting.

CLIENT: And so he finally said, �Oh, yeah, I said that in session because I thought I had to,� and I just got so pissed. I was like, �So you basic��I called him a liar. I was like, �Why did you say that if you didn�t mean it? You lied.� [00:02:29]

And I was like, �Here I was waiting for the past few weeks, thinking that you were going to do what you said, that you wanted to and you actually can�t anymore or something. Eventually, a few days later after that fight, I actually ended up doing all the dishes. Because he�

THERAPIST: What do you mean by �He thought he had to?�

CLIENT: He thought he had to say that. I don�t know, I didn�t really ask because I was really pissed off at him, so I wasn�t trying to unpack what that meant. I guess just he felt like he needed to�I really don�t know. I really don�t know. And I didn�t ask.

THERAPIST: But it really bothered you. [00:03:16]

CLIENT: But it really bothered me.

THERAPIST: What�I�m trying to understand which piece bothered you. That he felt like he had to say something so he said it? Or that he didn�t follow through on what he said? Or is it the dished specifically? Help me understand what�s the driving force.

CLIENT: It�s the fact that he�s always�he never says what he means. And I guess the fact that�

THERAPIST: He never says what he means?

CLIENT: Maybe not never. But there are lots of times�

THERAPIST: But you don�t know when he means what he says.

CLIENT: Yeah, I never can tell that he said something that wasn�t true. And now�

THERAPIST: You didn�t know not to believe.

CLIENT: Yeah. And he never gave me any indication. And just the usual cycle of just saying he�ll do something, and sort of leading me on about it, and only eventually being like, �Oh, I don�t want to do it, or can�t,� and end up wasting more time because�I guess he wants to avoid me getting mad at him, except it makes me more mad when he doesn�t tell me. [00:04:33]

THERAPIST: It delays the madness. He doesn�t really avoid the madness.

CLIENT: It delays the madness, it makes it�he�s like, �Oh, I�d tell you the truth if I felt like you never got mad at me, but I�m like, �how am I supposed to not get mad at you if you�re doing something that makes me mad, and that you always make it worse by not telling? If I�m going to get mad either way, wouldn�t it be better to be less mad? He thinks that he won�t tell me the truth on things like that unless he can feel safe, which I understand. Except then it�s like, �Oh, in that case you think lying to me is OK by extrapolation. If you�re not telling the truth you�re either lying by omission or outright lying. And I think most of the time it�s lying by omission. Or sometimes he thinks that he will be eventually able to do the dishes or something, but he doesn�t tell me that. He tells me that he can, and that he�ll do them, instead of�and then goes through this whole cycle of trying to convince himself he can do it, and either working up the ability to do it or not, and in the meantime driving me crazy. [00:05:48] (Pause)

THERAPIST: Yeah, it�s really hard not to trust. And you don�t trust his words, because there�s been a lot of instances when he�s said one thing, whether he intended it or not, he wasn�t able to follow through on it. And I think that�s what you�re really mad about, is feeling like you can�t trust him. You don�t know what to believe. (Pause)

CLIENT: Well, what do I do about it, though? [00:06:29]

THERAPIST: I mean, trust is really important in a relationship. I don�t know that you�you can�t develop trust on your own. And it doesn�t seem like a fair expectation to say that you�re not allowed to be angry when trust is broken. Being angry when trust is broken is a fairly typical response.

CLIENT: I guess just�the part where if he thinks I�ll get mad at him if he outright says that he won�t do something, that�s the side that maybe we can change. But I don�t know how.

THERAPIST: If there�s room for what he says to be�there�s two pieces. There�s can you have honest communication about what he can and cannot promise? The other piece of this is, what are the expectations in the relationship? You�re allowed to have expectations. He may or may not be able to meet your expectations. [00:07:39]

If he can�t, then you have two options. You either adjust your expectations to what he can do, or you end the relationship. Because continuing a relationship in which you have a set of expectations that he can�t meet or doesn�t want to meet�that keeps you in the cycle of feeling really resentful. And I think continued resentment in a relationship when there�s not an agreement on both sides that you�re working towards something that would be more agreeable to you both�there�s no room for growth there. So if you guys can agree on what your expectations are with each other, and agree that you�re working toward that, then it makes sense to work toward that together. But if you don�t have agreement on what you�re working toward, then what are you maintaining, is really the question. [00:08:32]

Do you want to be maintaining that? And I know it�s one of the questions that sort of got you to couples therapy. Is this a relationship where I want to be working on it, that we�re working something that�s more sustainable? Because you had identified that what was happening then, when you started the couple�s work, wasn�t something you wanted to be in forever if it was going to be like that.

CLIENT: And I guess�it�s just in general he does�I don�t think it�s an unreasonable expectation that if he says he�ll do something that he�ll do it.

THERAPIST: That doesn�t sound unreasonable to me.

CLIENT: And he wants to be able to do it. He�s working�he�s doing more. And today he actually did laundry. We sort of [ended on a fight the fact] (ph) that he doesn�t like doing dishes and doesn�t mind doing laundry.

THERAPIST: So is that OK if laundry is his job and dishes are yours? [00:09:33]

CLIENT: Yeah, and hopefully it won�t�at least most of the places we�ve looked at�me and the other two people�where they have dishwashers. So washing dishes won�t be as much of an issue. It was just that it had got into such a big pile. And then on Sunday I just pretty much�well, also on Sunday my computer broke.

THERAPIST: Oh, gosh. That�s really frustrating.

CLIENT: I really had�well, I guess I could have Internetted on my own phone, but it would have been annoying. So I was like, �I guess I�ll get all of these dishes done.� The sink has two sides, so the dairy side had a huge amount of dishes piled up and the meat side had a few, and I ended up doing all the dairy dishes and none of the meat dishes. But it�s a lot less scary now. We were actually even able to cook pasta yesterday. [00:10:40]

So I guess it�s moving in the right direction.

THERAPIST: Yeah, if you can identify expectations that you both agree are reasonable, and that you can�if you guys share a set of expectations for each other, then there�s something you can work toward.

CLIENT: Yeah. It�s just hard because he had thought that I hadn�t really done that much housework, but then once my job started I had less time and less energy to do housework. And it made sense for him to do�he agreed it made sense for him to do more while I start work. But hopefully me having done that giant pile of dishes will change things. [00:11:39]

THERAPIST: What�s his response to you having done that chunk of work?

CLIENT: He was really happy that I did that, and appreciative.

THERAPIST: Yeah, so he�s very aware.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I just need to not let it get like that. But I also get mad at him for things that aren�t necessarily his fault. Like on�I think it was probably Thursday. So my hat used to have two straps coming down and had a bead on it to keep them together and stuff. And Sammy had decided that the hat mas his new favorite toy, and ended up getting the�doing something to it that got the bead off and was never able to find the bead again. [00:12:46]

I was just really mad at Sammy and really mad at Sydney, because Sydney was like, �Oh, you know, whatever. It�s not a big deal.� And I was just�here is my hat that I had just gotten that I really liked and it had been�not ruined, but�I thought [made of marble] (ph) and he was minimizing it, and that just exploded into a huge amount of anger because�

THERAPIST: Because you felt really misunderstood.

CLIENT: Yeah. But I admit that it was a huge overreaction on my part. But with all the stress, it just keeps happening.

THERAPIST: Would you have felt like it would have been an in-line response to having your new hat altered?

CLIENT: Well I guess I�well, because the thing is it thought I lost the hat when he went to Providence, so I had actually ordered a new hat and now I have to figure out what to do with the new hat. So really I didn�t have any legitimate reason to be upset. [00:13:55]

THERAPIST: Do you know what you were really upset about?

CLIENT: I don�t know. Just the fact that Sammy likes to destroy all of my things and I can�t�

THERAPIST: Is that what it really feels like? Sammy likes to destroy all of your things?

CLIENT: Not all of my things. He definitely plays with a lot of my stuff. I mean, it�s my apartment. Most of the stuff is my stuff. And he�ll go for Sydney�s stuff, but usually mine.

THERAPIST: So you feel targeted.

CLIENT: Yeah. He doesn�t know any better, he doesn�t know that these things are cat toys and these other things aren�t cat toys.

THERAPIST: They certainly look like fun cats toys, pretty beads and strings�to a cat that looks like a great toy. So I think part of it is you feel upset about your stuff getting ruined. And in your discomfort and your distress, you�re kind of assigned intentionality to it. And it feels much�somebody ruining your stuff on purpose feels much different than your stuff getting marred by the cat. But in thinking about it as �Sammy likes to ruin all of my things,� it sort of really intensifies the reaction you�re going to have to it. Sort of rather than being a frustrated owner of a young cat, you�re a persecuted individual by a tyrant. It�s a different reaction, right? [00:15:42]

CLIENT: Yeah. And even this morning I was trying to get ready for work and he ended up clawing my hand right here that I actually had to borrow Sydney�s styptic pen to stop the bleeding before I ran off to work. Even just not giving me any leeway to get ready in the morning. And he only�when Sydney goes to take his pill�maybe it�s because he takes less pills� Sammy doesn�t really do anything to Sydney. But when I�m taking my pill bottles out of my backpack and taking the different pills, he�ll, as I�m taking the bottles out, will try to claw my hand or something. For some reason he really likes my backpack, so there�s no escape, and there�s really nothing�I mean, if I wasn�t so tired at the end of the day, I could theoretically play with him more, but I�m� [00:16:55]

THERAPIST: So is that part of what�s happening? He wants to play and you don�t have the energy?

CLIENT: Probably. So Sydney is home during the day, he says he wants to play with the cat more, but I guess he forgets or whatever. Or during the day the cat is sleeping, and it�s only when I�m around.

THERAPIST: It�s not his active time.

CLIENT: Yeah. I do think Sammy likes me better and will pay more attention to me. If were both sitting and using our computers, he�ll sit on my lap more often than he�ll sit on Sydney�s chest. It�s nice that the cat likes me, but it�s less nice that it�s just�I mean at least in September there will be another cat, and he�ll have someone else to play with. But until then I have to cope with feeling like all of my stuff is under siege and there�s no safe�I�ve run out of safe places to put things. [00:18:04]

Even when I�m trying to empty laundry from the laundry bin and put�he�ll grab my hand, he�ll put his paw through the laundry bin and scratch me while I�m trying to take out clothes and put them away. It�s really�there are so many things that he�ll attack me for. He thinks it�s all a game and there�s really�we have spray bottles, and we use them if he grabs my leg out of the blue, which is something he started doing a couple weeks ago. He�s just so hard to deal with sometimes, and I feel like he�s in a playful mood a lot more than he�s in an affectionate mood. [00:19:10] (Pause)

THERAPIST: He�s young, right?

CLIENT: Yeah, I think he�s four months old. My mom has said�because she had gotten Ariel when Ariel was four months old. It was like, �Oh, if you have one kitten it will be totally fine.� But Ariel was nowhere near as playful as Sammy is.

THERAPIST: They�re individuals, they have their own personalities.

CLIENT: Yeah. He�s also a really affectionate cat. He�ll sit on your lap to get petted and stuff, which�that part I really like. I�ve never had a cat that�s tried to scratch me this month. Even Nala, she at least wouldn�t go out of her way to come and attack you most of the time. It would just be if you were petting her she would all of a sudden switch into clawing mode with absolutely no warning. This is the most clawed by a cat I think I�ve ever been.

THERAPIST: So you�re really frustrated it sounds like. [00:20:23]

CLIENT: Yeah, and it�s also really hard that it�s such a small apartment that I couldn�t get a second cat. And waiting out�

THERAPIST: And it sounds like it�s not a big enough space to sort of gate her in one spot and maybe give yourself a break.

CLIENT: Yeah, well the thing is that I can sometimes do that. The problem is the air-conditioner, especially now with the air conditioner because my room�whoever designed this building was and idiot, and they put the set of fire escapes�there are a couple of them�but the one that�s for my apartment, they put those so�say that my bedroom window was here, at the level of the window is the floor of the fire escape, which means that I could not put an air conditioner in my bedroom window. Unfortunately I didn�t think about this until after I had ordered the AC, so I had already ordered a window unit instead of a portable one. So what we have now is the AC in the little living room, and then we have a fan circling the air to the bedroom, which seems to be doing the trick. Either way I had to�if I had somehow been able to have to the AC in my room, closing the door would have cut Sammy off from all regulated climate-control air. I would also be able to do that for small amounts of time, but wouldn�t want to deprive him of a comfortable place to be. If he�s� [00:22:31]

THERAPIST: So it doesn�t feel fair to shut him in a room with the door. But what if you got a baby gate?

CLIENT: He�d jump right over it. That works maybe in a one-month-old kitten, but he can jump pretty high. I guess if they had an adult gate (laughter). But yeah, a baby gate would not be sufficient to stop him. I guess if I really got desperate, I could put him in his carrier and have that.

THERAPIST: It doesn�t give him a lot of space, though.

CLIENT: No. The way it is now, if I shut the door I would get shut out from the AC and would be really, really uncomfortable really fast. So there�s really no good solution.

THERAPIST: It sounds like figuring out a way to give him some of the attention he�s looking for, because that�s probably partly what�s driving. He�s trying to interact, and he�s doing it in a way that�s uncomfortable for you. So it may be, until he grows up a little bit more, finding ways to give him more of the attention that he�s looking for, so he�s not asking in such a negative way. He can�t understand the language, and he can only respond to what he�s feeling. He�s a cat. [00:24:16]

CLIENT: I just didn�t think it was going to be this hard. I�ve never had this much trouble with a kitten before, but I guess I�ve never had a kitten that was by itself before either. Because the kittens that we had gotten when me and my brother were in�when I was in fourth grade�we got kittens and they played with each other. And the only time they clawed me was if I was petting them for too long and they didn�t want to be petted.

THERAPIST: Well that was also in a house with four people.

CLIENT: It was also in a house�that�s true. And they had all the attention from�

THERAPIST: So not only was there another cat, but there were a lot of other people sharing the burden. And my guess is your perspective as a fourth-grader may be very different than your perspective as the adult.

CLIENT: All I was worried about would be a problem having a cat have not been a problem at all. I don�t have a problem feeding him, I don�t have a problem changing the litter-box on a regular basis, and we�ve been able to find pet sitters for the weekends we�ve been out. And this weekend I�m going to the (inaudible at [00:25:20]) party and Sydney isn�t, so he�ll be staying and watching the cat, and I will have a break from the cat. But I didn�t realize he was going to be�in retrospect, maybe it would have been a better idea to have gotten an adult cat or to have taken Hank. Because with Hank I wouldn�t have any of these problems, because he doesn�t claw ever, unless he�s�the only time he�s clawed anyone was when we were trying to get him into the carrier to take him to the vet.

THERAPIST: That�s a very different cat.

CLIENT: Yeah, an older cat.

THERAPIST: You never know exactly what you�re going to get.

CLIENT: Yeah, it�s not like we had gotten him without meeting him before. It was just that we had never seen him without any other kittens. And so the playfulness he was using on the other kittens has now been redirected to us.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and you�re not able to accommodate it all.

CLIENT: Yeah, and then I feel really guilty. I don�t want to be a bad cat mom, and maybe I�m making him suffer by�because he does also play by himself. He�ll run around and claw his scratching post and do all sorts of things, and that�s fun. It�s just� [00:26:49]

THERAPIST: Does this feel like a thing that�s a stressor, or does it feel like the thing you�re noticing you�re getting angry in response to? You�ve kind of highlighted those two things.

CLIENT: Probably both. (Pause). I don�t know how to distress. And it�s just now that I have the job, I have�I�m not even that worried about amounts of free time I have. I just don�t really get to unwind. And it�s a huge adjustment.

THERAPIST: It�s a very different schedule. You might take some time to adjust.

CLIENT: Yeah, and just fitting viewing houses on top of it�we actually just put in an application for a place yesterday, and waiting for that is really nerve-racking. I had been doing most of the legwork for writing all the people and e-mailing them to set up viewing. And looking at the listings in the first place, too. And viewing them. I�ve done it before, and I do have a long time to do it, it�s just sort of been eating up everything, and I don�t really have time just to relax. And I�m also not getting enough sleep. [00:28:23]

THERAPIST: So that�s a big contributor. How much sleep are you getting?

CLIENT: Usually between six and seven hours a night. Because I end up waking up at 6:30 in the morning, which in theory I don�t have to do, but I�m afraid if I wake up later I won�t get to work on time. I�ve ended up getting to work early, and then I can start early, and in theory get more hours and leave early. The past few weeks it�s been making up�last week it was making u the time since I had been sick, and this week it�s been making up the time since I�m doing a half day tomorrow. And we�re closed on Friday, so I haven�t actually been able to leave early when coming in early. But the thing is, the later you get the�it isn�t just a bus that leaves 20 minutes later will get you in 20 minutes later, because there�s more traffic. And wanting to make sure I have enough time to eat breakfast. [00:29:40]

THERAPIST: So as you get used to the schedule, getting up early enough so that you have plenty of time to get ready and get to the bus and get to work is a good routine. But you need to get to bed earlier to accommodate that.

CLIENT: And I usually�I should be getting to bed at 10:30, and I usually get to bed 11 or 11:30.

THERAPIST: What�s getting in the way of getting into bed earlier?

CLIENT: Sometimes dinner plans. Sometimes the fact that I don�t get back from my D and D game until about 10:30 and then if I want to have any free Internetting time then that would already be putting me to bed at 11. One time it was also Sydney not wanting to go to bed and thus not getting into a fight about something and me going to bed later as a result. And yesterday was dealing with all the housing stuff and not having dinner until later. [00:30:45]

Because the other part was that one of the people was currently in Thailand visiting family. So we were trying to get ahold of her.

THERAPIST: So you�re back to multiple roommates?

CLIENT: We�re back to multiple roommates. We found a good third. We�re not going to have a kosher kitchen, which actually is sort of a relief because then I don�t have to restrict things that are vegetarian non-hechshered (ph). It also sort of lowered the price range of things. We�ve actually found a bunch of three bedrooms that weren�t bad. And the one we put in the application for is in Malden�actually not that far from where I was living when I was living with the crazy roommates�but is actually big and spacious and stuff. And so if we get it there�s a basement that has a sink. So I have a place to dye yarn. [00:31:47]

Yeah, so the third person, we�ve never actually met her in person. But she�s another (foreign at [00:31:53]) related person, and seems really cool. And we figured out that we all could live together because we did the Skype chat thing again and we have compatible pretty much everything.

THERAPIST: And I know you said that having a third person gives you a lot more options in terms of places and price range.

CLIENT: Yeah, though the thing was, her range, she couldn�t go above 700. And Rhonda didn�t want to do a split of a difference of more than 100 dollars, which capped us at 2,300 with the two of us having to pay 800. And so the one we found was actually 2,250 a month but doesn�t have a realtor fee. [00:32:45]

So the fact that there were places that fit the description and stuff was really encouraging. And even though it will take me about 40 minutes to get to work from this place if I get it, for some reason it�s a lot less disheartening than riding the metro line. I guess because it won�t be as crowded, and I can at least relax on the bus ride. Last week when I was visiting the place on Monday and went out on the metro line it was just the most depressing thing ever. For the first few stops I didn�t even have a place to hold on. That�s how crowded it was, and I can�t do this on a regular basis.

THERAPIST: So the commute feels OK to you. [00:33:40]

CLIENT: Yeah. And if Sydney stays over he can always drive me to Wareham in the morning. And on the way back to his place, like what I was doing when he was staying at my place when I was dropping him off on the way to work, he can do the same thing for me. And then that would mean that I would actually have a much shorter commute.

THERAPIST: Would he get up and drive you?

CLIENT: Yeah, he�s been�except for the past few days, he�s actually been waking up pretty early�like when I�ve been waking up, too�and likes the feeling of doing that. So I guess it�s not something that I can depend on, but it is something that could happen sometimes. So I could probably figure in the full 40 minutes of the commute.

THERAPIST: If you get the place, then start making plans for what life would look like. [00:34:38]

CLIENT: I think we have a pretty good shot. At this point she�s running the credit check, which means that she thinks we�re at least good enough to�because I think it is at least a small amount of money you have to spend on getting a credit report. So I think�[let�s see if] (ph) that credit thing works out, which I think it should, I think we�ll get it. But I�m�the whole not actually knowing what I�m going to driving me crazy.

THERAPIST: It�s a big piece of stress. I know you started the session by saying you�re having more angry responses, and feeling under a lot of stress, and what can you do to lower your stress. And I think if we identify some of the stressors, the spending a lot of time looking for apartments and then not knowing the outcome. It sounds like the frustration with Sammy�feeling frustrated with the continued communication issues in your relationship. Are there other biggies that I�m missing? [00:35:45]

CLIENT: Still also dealing with the temp agency because it�s like, any time that I�m late or want to leave early or something, I�m afraid that I�m going to get flagged for it. My boss didn�t end up coming in today because he didn�t feel good. He�s definitely not coming in tomorrow. There�s really no reason that I need to come in tomorrow, except that I�m basically doing a half-day. Abecause I want to make sure I have enough money, and Bbecause the temp agency will give me hard time.

THERAPIST: Because even if your boss isn�t there, they have an expectation that you�ll do your job.

CLIENT: Yeah. And�

THERAPIST: Because your job isn�t just to your boss. There�s other responsibilities you have.

CLIENT: In theory, but it should be to my boss it should be my boss and the company who decide that they�re happy with the amount of work that I�m doing and stuff like that. And they are, and I�m getting a lot done. Even though I was sick for the two days, it wasn�t like that much stuff piled up. And I�ve been doing things at a good rate that they�re OK with it. But the temp agency wants the money from me working 40 hours a week. [00:37:04]

THERAPIST: I know when you worked at the museum, a particular task that you were slated with accomplishing in a certain amount of time. Is it the same setup at this job? Just so I�m understanding. Or is it that you do certain hours?

CLIENT: So the only certain hours that actually matter are the office hours where we accept people�s lab notebooks and issue them new ones. Because other than that, the building is open I think 24-7. It�s at least open from seven AM to six PM. Oh, no, it�s open later than that because I ended up staying later than that. I think it might be open 24-7. So it�s really just the task�unlike with the museum, the museum had a finite amount of logs.

THERAPIST: There�s the beginning and end. [00:38:06]

CLIENT: There�s a beginning and end. It�s infinite, but only like the ones that get submitted. So it�s as we get them, and there�s a bit of a backlog. It�s really more the amount of work than the actual hours that matter to the company.

THERAPIST: It�s supposed to be a full-time job.

CLIENT: It�s supposed to be a full-time job.

THERAPIST: It�s sort of slated as a full time job. So, on average, the expectation is that you�ll work full-time hours, which is�is it 40 or 38, what do they have?

CLIENT: I don�t know, because they said 40 hours, but they also said nine to five, and they also said that my lunch break doesn�t count. So they didn�t say 8:30 to five, which is what I would think. That�s what they�when I was with PS2D that�s what they were saying for there, so it actually did add up to 40 hours, including taking your lunch. So maybe it�s really 37.5, but I don�t really know. And I don�t really feel like calling them and clarifying it. I�m just hoping that if I get somewhere around that that�ll be fine. And I�m hoping next week will be the first week that I actually do all 40 or 37 and a half hours. And that�s the other thing. Because I really do want to be completely financially independent from my parents, but I think that relies on never getting sick or anything. And the fact that I�m not� [00:39:49]

THERAPIST: Because there�s no paid sick time.

CLIENT: There�s no paid sick time, there�s no paid vacations, and the company actually gives everyone off from Christmas to New Years, except they don�t pay that contractors for that time. And now I�m just like, I don�t know how I�m going to afford that. And the high holidays are coming up, and I probably am still going to at least need a couple hundred dollars from my parents each month. And I guess that�s not the end of the world, but�

THERAPIST: It�s a big difference. It�s certainly working toward financial independence.

CLIENT: It�s just frustrating that�because if it were a permanent position, I would probably be doing the same amount of work, and I could probably do the same amount of hours and there may be benefits. And they�d be happy with the amount of work I do, and be OK with me leaving earlier. [00:40:52]

THERAPIST: So you may work toward that, right? You said�

CLIENT: Sort of. Not in the position itself. It�s renewable, but I don�t think they�d ever turn it in to a permanent position, unfortunately. My boss, he actually did my position for three years. And then his boss quit, and that�s how he got his position. So there might be other openings in other parts of the company that I could apply for. But none of those would be archival. The only way I could get a permanent archives position in this company is either if something in another location opened up, or if my boss decided to quit and go somewhere else. [00:41:42]

THERAPIST: So it may happen, but it�s not something you plan�

CLIENT: I have no control. I think I�ll stay at least stay the first six months and take a break from the job hunting and stuff since I agreed to six months. And then renew it, and then once I start the next six months, that�s when I start looking for permanent things.

THERAPIST: That sounds like a good plan. And so, knowing that that�s the plan, you don�t need to expend energy and create stress by mulling over how much money you might need to take from your parents during the next six months, or how much time-off there is for high holidays and their given holiday. Because you�ve already made a plan that you�re going to stay for six months. So allow yourself to kind of take a break from doing the �if this, then what?� type of thing and just do the job. And give yourself a break from the anxiety that comes from mulling over all those different options. You�ve obtained this position and it�s a huge step away from where you were, not having a job and being totally dependent upon your parents. [00:43:02]

CLIENT: And my rent is getting cut in almost half.

THERAPIST: Yeah. So I mean, you�ve really moved huge steps to where your parents asked you to be, and to create more independence, which gives you more breathing room. Big steps. So allowing yourself to just be comfortable with that for this period that you�ve contracted for.

CLIENT: I guess it would just make me a lot happier if this position had the potential to become permanent someday.

THERAPIST: That would be nice. But this is much better than where you were.

CLIENT: Yeah, but it�s still sort of disheartening. And if I do stay a year, then I�ll be thirty and not in a�

THERAPIST: You�re doing if�s.

CLIENT: The fact that I am 29 and I�ve never had a full-time permanent position with benefits feels disappointing and also feels like I�m behind my peers. And that I should have a real job, and the fact that I don�t makes me a lesser person.

THERAPIST: I think those �should� are pretty powerful, and pretty critical. [00:44:18]

CLIENT: So even when I try not to think about it and I don�t know that I could get completely to the point where this is not a stressor.

THERAPIST: So let�s work in the gray. You may not be able to get to a place where it�s not stressor. But I think you can get to a place where you focus most of your time on what is�this is what it is, you�ve made a commitment for six months, and it�s a better place for you than where you were. And that may not be totally stress-free, but it�s less stressful that ruminating on the parts that are really uncomfortable and the parts that are unknown. So see if you can stick with what you know and where you are, which really is a much better place than where you were a month ago. Why don�t we stop there? See if you can stay in that spot for a little bit. Give yourself a break. [00:45:13]

CLIENT: [I will just] (ph) write you the check for today (ph).

THERAPIST: Make sure I did give you two different ones, right?

CLIENT: This is when I�

THERAPIST: I know the one gave to you, but as I was doing it I was like, �Is this the one that I wrote and I�am I repeating the same thing?�

CLIENT: Let me check that the other one is in fact June.

THERAPIST: I know the one I gave you today is June.

CLIENT: OK then I guess they�re two different ones. (Pause) here you go.

THERAPIST: Thank you. [00:45:13] OK so next week we�re on for Tuesday. So I will see you then.

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