TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Well, I said it would be during lunch, so that was going to be a lunch break, and she's like, I'm like, so you're going to have to approve my double lunch, and she's like, okay. (laughter)

THERAPIST: (laughter)

CLIENT: So that's nice. So, I'm feeling a little less angry than I was on my Monday. (pause) I went, last night I went, I met up in Manhattan with, I don't know if I had mentioned to you about one of my high school friends, Lucy, had, we had a falling out a long time ago and then I found her at Sandra's wedding that I helped with. And then, she like, ended up reaching out to me as I kind of predicted, I was like she's going to see me and realize I'm like, awesome still and be like why aren't we friends. Because we've literally been like friends since we were five

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: And we just happened, like we had a falling out like, four years ago and neither of us remember even what it is. I tried to reach out to her, like a few times and she hasn't, or was not interested, so whatever. And then I guess like around her wedding, like after she saw me at Sandra's wedding and like looking at photos for her slide show like from childhood, which I'm obviously in like every other photo, from her childhood. She like realized how much she wanted me to be there. How she like wishes she had done this earlier, she invited me last minute and I couldn't go because it was the same weekend as the baby shower, which is whatever.[00:01:29] But anyway, we, we met up last night and with her and then with Becca, one of the other close childhood friends and then there's this other girl Mindy that we really had, we called ourselves the foursome, you know and all. (sniff) And Mindy didn't come like she's turned into like a giant whore. Like, like, it's weird, she like, like the way that she talk I think everybody like changes so um, depending on where you living, or who you are with or whatever, you know, your, the mannerisms the words that you use and your way of speaking changes. But like somehow, like I don't even know, like she talks like a valley girl now and like a really weird, like, she sounds like, just like this. I don't know. like the way she talks is different.

THERAPIST: huh.

CLIENT: And it's very weird to me because like me, Stephanie and Lucy like, all like speak the same and Mindy has this like way of speaking, like you know like, when like your voice goes up at the end of a sentence, like everything that you say, like that's

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Like a sharp vowel. And she's like a huge, she's like a nurse in the NICU. Like, preemie nurse, but like on the side she's like a huge whore, like a shit-faced black out drunk, at like, every weekend, or like every night that she goes out, like does coke, like inexplicable, I don't really know how that developed.[00:02:54]

And, anyway, she didn't come up, it was just me, Lucy and Stephanie and we caught up on stuff and I explained what was going on with Franklin (ph) and like, Lucy, Lucy is the type of personality that is like, everything is like, this is how it should be and this is, you know, like, and I used to find that really irritating but I think after this space I was like, I was able to take it for what it is. Like this is just her and like I need not take it so personally and like think that I have to like do what she says because she says it's like the right thing to do. But that's because she did, and so her opinion on it is like 'you'll never trust him again, like you can never trust him again, like no matter what, like no trust, like awful, like, like never again'. And Stephanie was asking a lot more questions about it and actually some of the things she was talking about from her own current relationship, sound like eerily similar, like in terms of their arguments and what they fight about and how she reacts with anger and he threatened to break up with her, so that like eerily similar to a lot of stuff that happens with Franklin that I kind of tip-toed around.[00:03:51]

Because I didn't want to like imply that like, well, you better just get out now, like, whatever. But like she was asking a lot more questions about it and like, and about like, 'why do you love him?' like, I know it's a loaded question but like, 'why do you love him', like, 'do you feel like this is the father of your children?', blah, blah, blah, this stuff. And they were both doing this like I really need like, he just needs like, Trina, like you can't, like he's not, the right person, like, and like granted they don't know me presently as well as they know me just like in general. But I do think that because of our long standing friendship and relationship and closeness, it's just like, they do have a, a sense of kind of what, I might be, like, like, because of how I spoke about it, they were able to read it.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: That was one of the

THERAPIST: In a way, they really know.

CLIENT: Exactly, and even though we haven't hung out like we used to, you know I think that,

(crosstalking)

CLIENT: Yeah, you know, so their opinion was kind of like, you know like, yeah, it's scary and like, you hear something done but I don't think like you need to waste any more time, it doesn't really sound like this is, whatever. And I'm like, all these things that I have thought about before, which are like confusing and like, I'm just feeling really torn, I'm back at feeling torn, like I met up with him last night after I went with my friends. Because there was some night of (inaudible) in Providence that like his friends were (inaudible) and whatever. And just like basically all his crew. Like and people that we know like his friends and people that I'm friends with through him. [00:05:22]

And I'm out with them there and I had actually ended up walking, like our plan was at 7:20 with the girls and we were just getting pizza, like, our like, old school classic in Providence and bringing it to Stephanie 's house. She was like walking to Providence, and have that at her house which was like awesome But our plan was for 7:20 and I had gone to Providence after work to do an errand, which like, I don't know why I thought it would take me so long, and then take me so long to like take the train. I guess because I like hate the green line so like inherently I'm like ack, it'll take an hour. You know.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: But at like 6 o'clock I was shit, like, if I go out on the train and go to like Providence, I'll be there in like forty minutes and them I'm still sitting for another hour. So I decided to walk from Providence and I figured by the time I hit like the next neighborhood I could just hop on the sea-line whenever I felt like it. And it was kind of fun, I walked through Fenway and there was a game, so like that was kind of fun just to like see all the stuff or whatever. I haven't' been down there in a while so that was cool[00:06:25]

And then I ended up on down the street, and I was like I'm just going to keep walking at least over the hill. And then, like trains kept happening, it was one of the situations where I was like ah I'll just go wait for the trains, and I was like, ah wait, if I'm waiting, I could just be walking during that time. Like I could be waiting for fifteen minutes, and I'd rather just be walking. So I kept walking and I got to, and I got to the town square, which is like where we used to all hang out and there was the deli we went, the movie place we went, where the ice cream shop we went. And so that was kind of fun, like stroll down memory lane and then I got over to where the main streets intersect. Do you know Anaheim?

THERAPIST: I do know Anaheim actually, I know that area actually very well.

CLIENT: Okay, so, and I turned up by my old street that I grew up on.

THERAPIST: Uh Huh,

CLIENT: So like if you go on my street

(crosstalking)

THERAPIST: right on your street

CLIENT: So I took a left off, I was going towards Providence,

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: Took a left on my street THERAPIST: Okay

CLIENT: And then like, if you go, once you get to the next street if you go to the left at the school

THERAPIST: Yeah I know

CLIENT: Where I went,

THERAPIST: You went to your school? [00:07:32]

CLIENT: Um hmm, cause if you go right then you're on the road again and like literally I'm like the second house on that street. So like I would just have to (inaudible) and I was at school.

THERAPIST: I worked at a little community clinic over there for a few years during my training.

CLIENT: Ah, okay.

THERAPIST: But I am including, like you get to the school

CLIENT: Oh Okay

THERAPIST: Then the next street and (crosstalking)

CLIENT: Oh funny. Yeah, so I mean it was really nice, and it made me a little sad when I passed by, and I took a picture. And it looks the same. They'd painted it, kept the same paint color. My mom painted it green and purple. Before she left, it's just one of these huge old victorian houses. And my street is just so beautiful, so wide and like, so many beautiful trees. So that was like really nice.

(crosstalking)

CLIENT: I mean it was a little sad because I was like ACH, like I wish we like hadn't given our house up like, I wish I could raise my kids up in that house someday. You know I used to have fantasies of like, having lots of money by the time I was ready to buy a house and I would be able, I could offer them whatever they wanted to move out. You know that was like (chuckles) a little fantasy I mean I'm sure it's worth like 1.5 or more now. So like whatever. I think she sold it in like '99[00:08:35]

Probably for like 900 thousand or something. I think she bought it in '89 for like 500 thousand. You know and then put a bunch of work in, and I'm sure they put a bunch of work in, but anyway, it's always been a little fantasy. So I walk up past my street, and then I took a left on the next street and met my friends.

THERAPIST: Oh yeah

CLIENT: Which is like that front street right there. So that was actually really fun. Great, except for I had like blisters on my feet because I was like not wearing appropriate walking shoes. I didn't really expect to walk for an hour. But it was really nice, it was a nice way to like preface a visit with the girls. And anyway I, and then Lucy dropped me off at the train, and I took the train to meet George (ph), and like I got irritated at him because I had said "Hey we ended up chatting longer like, I'm on my way" Like and hour after I had said I might be on my way. And like I don't know, like I didn't like his reaction, he said like, I know I over reacted, like he didn't mean anything by it, because he was like awwww, and I kind of, I guess I wished that he would have just like been like, 'Okay cool, like, see you soon, glad you had fun' you know, whatever. Instead of like 'ohhh, no there might be a line, like it's Thursday night' like, eh. So I got kind of irritated, and of course there was no line, I walked in and it was like empty, I was like, 'oh there was such a huge line outside' and he was like 'oh really?' I was like no (chuckles) . Like, like I was irritated because I got there and he like, he said hi, and he was already like drinking and with his friends dancing, and like didn't, I don't know like I maybe I'm like overly sensitive or maybe these are just things that I want like, from somebody that I'm with. And like, I was irritated because right after he said hi to me, I was like oh, I'm going to go order a drink and like he was like chatting with his friends, and I'm like waiting for my drink. Then like after I paid, he was like, 'oh, well I wanted a drink too' and I'm like well, ugh, like that's fine, but I just, like so whatever, I ordered another drink. [00:10:23]

And I just felt like he was not, I was frustrated because I was feeling (inaudible) after having talked about it with the girls prior and thinking about all that stuff and, felt like, you know like ack, like you know don't even care that like I just like, schlepped all the way here, like, because you wanted me to come, like, it's a weeknight, I don't want to be here really, but like whatever. And then now you're not even like paying attention to me. Then like, I started to relax a little, like talk to some of the girls that I know there. Like, and just talk to everybody and just try to like not make a sour time. I was there, my car was in the shop until this morning, like, so I was stuck there until I got a ride home or took a cab, you know, it was like whatever. [00:11:05]

So I like had some wine and that was nice and I was just sitting like, literally like, taking my time and that was nice. And then he started like, paying more attention to me, which was also nice, but, I don't' know, I, I just woke up I guess feeling very torn because I like, I'm feeling more like (pause) I don't' know, like, I started thinking like, oh, there are so many things I like about being in this relationship with him. Like I like, I do like most of these people and hanging out with them. Even if I'm sometimes like grumpy or like they dance, like I don't really dance at these things. Like that. You know, and you know, just feeling a little, like maybe it will, like everything will work out, when like honestly I, I guess the reason I was feeling annoyed is because I felt like, for somebody who's trying to win me back, like, when your girlfriend arrives, like give me attention, like hold my hand, put your arm around me, sit with me. Don't be all over the place, like, so an in between like hanging out with me, like he like has a really irritating habit of like boxing me out, like we're both like walking over to like say hello to somebody and like, he'll like get in the conversation and like all the sudden I'm like staring at backs and I'm like, 'dude, like hello', and I was like 'hello' like, and so I think that's just why I was irritated, I felt, I was just feeling like okay, like again, another example of me seeing that you're kind of like not, like you're slipping back into like comfort zone of like, meh, like I'm just going to do what I want or like whatever. [00:12:48]

And then we got a ride home from one of his friends and, he lives fairly close to us, and like so, the way we ended up driving home was kind of passing the street where Franklin's going to be.

THERAPIST: Uh Huh.

CLIENT: And so he like pointed it out. Then I was kind of like, made me feel good a little bit. I mean I don't think he's been telling his friends the reason, but whoever he's been telling, you know, Tim was in the car, and Tim knows and might know the whole situation. But Loman our friend who was driving us, I guess he hadn't told yet, so he was like, we drove by, and he was like, 'oh I'm going to be living on that street soon, like starting next month' and then Loman was like whoopidoo, he's like, 'oh you guys are moving?' and I was like and I tried to get it, I was like ' Franklin is' and then I like, no, I said, I said, Franklin is, I said we're trying something different. Like, I don't know why I felt the need to say that, but I did, whatever. And then he was like, I mean granted this kid is twenty-one years old, he's been with his girlfriend or fiance' now, since they were like twelve, like.

THERAPIST: Oh my God.

CLIENT: And he said, he says, which I thought was kind of sweet, he's like 'you know me and Kristy have never lived together and we're still great.' (chuckles) And I was like, 'me and Franklin have always lived together so we're looking at this change as hopefully working out great.' And we're like, we'll see. But it was just kind of funny you know.

THERAPIST: Sure [00:14:10]

CLIENT: But it made me feel good that like, at least he's, Franklin 's like, you know like not so ashamed about what, like even if he's not saying details and what's going on. That's not like, he's gonna, you know, and so he kind of decided to look like, so you know I'll be sort of closer to you so we can hang out more and you know, go to practice together and, so that was nice. And despite his, you know, breakdown on Tuesday about how, you know, like all of them, this is not going to work or whatever. He's looking at the whole, like starting to pack this weekend like, positively and not making a big deal of it. And he's like, trust me Trina, I've done these kinds of moves so many times, like I can do it in my sleep, like, its going to be a big deal, like you know. And I think part of it is a little bit defense mechanism on his part, you know not wanting to feel the pain of it. But it is hopeful for me because I've had to stress about these things and feel like I need to make a thousand lists, and you need to do this and that and he's you know, looking at it more like, 'listen it's my Saturday, you know whatever, it's going to be a nice day and then Sunday we'll get down to work and then Tuesday I'll start moving stuff there and you know' of course I'm going to help him, like, so I guess so, the plan is like try to get things of his like packed and organized. Like whatever he's leaving at the house, like, put in the place that he's leaving it. You know, stuff like organize and garbage bags or however we're bringing it or duffel bags or whatever. To bring to his new apartment and then on Tuesday we'll move as much furniture, like we'll bring as much furniture that we want to bring in there so we can see how much space and then we can take back anything that doesn't fit. [00:15:45]

And then make another trip either the next day or that night to bring in the, his clothing or whatever and he can start getting set up and you know, I suggested, we maybe look into him getting some like shelves to hang on the wall. Because there's not much space in the room and that would be more storage and stuff and. So I guess, you know, but I guess overall I'm just feeling kind of torn about that I've been feeling less angry and more just like, I don't really know what to do because I love him and I don't want to not be with him, but I also don't want to be settling. Because whatever reason I've a fear or you know attachment or whatever. Like I don't want to be with him for the wrong reasons and I feel like if I, honestly there's a part of me that feels like even if I start to feel like I can trust him again, or if he goes to therapy to like try to talk about this stuff, that I will be settling. Just based on the issues that, we have, and I have with him, and like how betrayed I feel by him and how I'm not sure that he's able to figure out you know, how to talk about that in therapy and look at it as a compulsion rather than like a mistake he made once, you know.[00:17:08]

So kind of like, feeling torn about those. Ah, it's like it, like, like going back to what we talked about on Wednesday, that it is a little bit of denial about you know, that he might not be the person and might, this, this, you know denial, of it's not working out. That's like a real like, close to home possibility you know. I don't' know, I'm not, like I don't really know how to deal with those feelings and you know, my friends telling me like, well no, you shouldn't like, don't even get it too long, the trial period like, you need to figure out how to just like end it, like and just be like finalized with it. But like I don't feel like ready to do that quite yet, and I do feel like giving him a little bit of time to, see, you know if he is going to start doing these things that he wants to be doing and says he wants to do, and goes to therapy. I mean, I, I think that's part of the denial a little bit. But like I'm definitely not ready to be just like give up I guess. Like if I like, I feel like I've made a commitment to myself and to our relationship and to him, to like try to give us a chance and see if this like, new living situation changes things and helps us feel all, I don't know, I don't know. But I'm not, like, I guess I'm too scared to like, make a decision either way, yet. [00:18:48]

And you know, which, I think, which I feel is fine and think it's understandable and I think I should allow myself to, you know, be okay with being scared about it. And you know, what could happen. But there is a part of me that kind of questions of people, like seriously how long are you gonna, give this situation. How long at all? Is it a month, is it three months, is it a year? Like, what?

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: What's the time frame, what's the, I don't know, statute of limitations, or whatever. And I think I'm just trying to a little bit push it out of my mind for now, because of just having to deal with the reality of the move, and that happening and just wanting to get through that like with out, putting too much emotion, in the way. I, I, I'm not sure, I just, I mean I still get irritated at him though. Like we're trying to do another dinner date tonight. And I'm really hoping it's not going to be the same as last week, when he bogarted the whole conversation by like, taking it over with political talks of conspir-a whatever.

THERAPIST: What is the bogart [00:20:03]

CLIENT: Oh like, I don't know, like take, like takeover, like, I don't even know where I'd begin saying that, like a hawk,

THERAPIST: Okay

CLIENT: like the conversation.

THERAPIST: Yeah, okay, not like

CLIENT: Yeah, with his agenda or whatever. (chuckle) So I, I'm hoping that is not going to be the case tonight. And that it'll be a little more like, ha-ha like, let's just talk like the bull stuff, that's like politically charged. And then, tomorrow we have plans to I think, hang out with a friend, a couple of friends of ours during the day. And then in the evening I have plans to go out with two of my co-workers, like to get drinks or something. And then Sunday we'll be, like packing. I mean, I think that honestly like, yeah he may be right about it like, not being as big of a deal, like in terms of like how long its going to take, how much work it's going to be, all this stuff. Because he isn't, he can't realistically move everything out, there's just not space at this new place he's moving in to. Like he needs to, like he's going to have a closet full of stuff.

THERAPIST: Yeah [00:21:21]

CLIENT: Like we have a big walk, a big deep closet, like in the office, and like they're going to put, like whatever he needs to store in there

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: He might leave some like, seasonal clothes in like the closet that we use for our clothing. And he wants to get a lock for the big closet because he's going to put some of his photography equipment and stuff in there. Which is fine and understandable and like, I don't have any problem with that. You know, like, it's his stuff, I have another roommate, like she has her friends over. I mean I think that yeah, it isn't, like he's super like, we're doing the whole house. But to the same extent he tends to minimize things like this, so that like, he'll think like, ' it'll just take a couple of hours ' when like I know that it won't. Like it's a lot of stuff to go through and like figure out what he wants to do.

THERAPIST: Like you need to err on opposite sides of

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah

(crosstalking)

CLIENT: Exactly, right, I may over do it and he kind of under does it. So, we'll see how it's going to actually works out. And,

Is some of your worry also, (pause) from dreading his moving out?

Yeah. I think dreading his moving out, but also like, I don't' know, like maybe feeling nervous about like the possibility that I could like, feel so much more relaxed and happy once he's gone. And I'm feeling nervous about that like, like, My God maybe that will really seal the deal that I don't' want to be with him. Like he'll be gone and I'll be like ah, you know. Or, like on the other spectrum, I, I, well, no, let me just say that like, I don't, I'm not, I'm dreading it in the sense that I was just like just not really knowing what's going to happen. And like it being a big upheaval and it just being a lot of stuff happening and the girl moving in and we were going to have to move him out of the house and all this whole stuff. But I'm not so much feeling like I'm scared of being, of like missing him that much, like, I think it will feel lonely, like I won't have somebody to talk to while I'm in the shower, like, sometimes I like, make him hang out, like in the bathroom because I like to chat (chuckle) and like not having him in the bed every night. Like even though we are in the king size bed now and he's been a little like, the last few nights, like literally, I like wake up and he's like on my pillow and I'm like falling off the bed, and I'm like this is a king size bed, like please, back up. [00:24:12]

THERAPIST: Right (laughter)

CLIENT: (laughter) But I don't know if he just wanted to like be extra close to me, maybe, that's this way of like dealing with this not being real or something.

THERAPIST: yeah

CLIENT: And you know like missing, you know like having someone to help me with stuff, you know granted the roommate is going to help with cleaning and chores and whatever. But, it's different, and you know not just like 'babe can you take out the garbage'. Like, or like, feed the cat you know. So there's you know there is that peace that I'm not feeling, I don't' know, I don't know. Yeah, I guess in general I'm just dreading it. Like, it's, it's, it's just going to be a lot of change. I, you know I mean on the flip side I think that you know, (pause) I don't' know, I think also there's a part of it that's like not really sure what like, how the whole like, I don't know like we've literally not ever lived apart. So like, how often does he stay over, like how often do we like, how long do we talk on the phone, how much do we check in about what we've planned now that we're not living with each other, and it's like do I wait for you for dinner or not. Like, and I don't' really know that, like I don't really know how to handle this, like I've never been in this situation in my life. So, like I've never lived with somebody, I've never had to move out with somebody, nothing. So I'm not sure like, how that's all going to work. And like, I, I just don't' know how its going to be like, especially the first few nights.

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Like he's going to be there, like probably lonely. I'll probably be a little lonely but less lonely because it's still my house and I'm like all set up and comfortable and the cats are there and like how guilty am I going to feel about him being lonely and

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: And you know, like feeling like I need to call over and tell him to come over and hang out with him or whatever. I mean, I feel like I should not, I should, you know I plan everything and I always have a plan of action and all this stuff and I feel like for this, like I, like there's just, I can't. Like there's literally no way to like, know how I'm going to feel. I ahead of time, and know how to like plan that out. And I kind of want to give myself the freedom to like decide in the moment, you know depending on how I'm feeling. And I guess hope that's just no like destructive in terms of like me and like, like I don't want it to turn in to a situation where like, I am like caring for him still, like being the caretaker you know like, because the whole purpose of this is to gain more independence and be able to do our own thing. And not depend as much, for all this emotional support. [00:27:01]

So, I think it will be an interesting week and weekend. I'm not sure that he'll actually like staying there until the first. Just because, it the lease starts on the first for him. But it just will be, I mean I think that it is kind of good that it's a weekend, because you know, we can still, like, I think like, if it were like, if he were moving in there and starting to stay over there on a weeknight, on a weekday, it would be maybe, I don't know, it would be different in the sense that we would be at work all day, and like he'd go home and I'd go home. I think this way, like it gives us a bit more flexibility of like, seeing each other of the daytime if we want to. Like maybe going over there, help him with some stuff as he needs it or vice versa you know, with me organizing the house. My roommate isn't arriving in Providence until the second

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: And then she, we are going to meet up on the third, to like exchange, like she'll give me her like references and proof of income and I'll give her the rental agreement. And she'll give me the first and security and all of that stuff. (pause) I just, it's, I just have no way to predict. (pause) how things are going to go, like in the beginning. And I'm just feeling nervous about it I think. (sigh) (pause) Yeah, it should be weird. It's going to be weird. It's going to be weird, it's going to be sad, like, it might feel a little liberating. I'm really honestly like, I am feeling like, I'm really looking forward to just having to worry about my own money and spending and, you know like granted he will, like he set it up so that like, every paycheck, like, he'll be giving me $450 a month to cover his half of what we're paying on the credit cards, which is like $100 over the minimum on each card. Which I should be paying more, but I can't yet. Half of the phone bill, and then a little, and a little extra for cat food and stuff. So he's got it set up so that like each paycheck $225, cause he gets paid twice a month, each paycheck $225 goes directly into mine. So that's great, and it should be easier.

THERAPIST: yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: ; So, but I'm looking forward to not having to like budget for both of us, for going out, dinner, groceries, like, everything that we need, like we're both buying kind of thing. You know like, oh you need some work clothes, like, we're both buying it, like, I just, we've never, like I've never had that with him. Like if we've been so involved, from the very beginning. Like pretty much, that like, I'm looking forward to feeling like, liberated in terms of dealing with my own money. [00:30:04]

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: (pause) Yeah, and like, (pause) But I gotta just, I'm like, torn, that's all I can think of, like the best word I can think of to describe how I'm feeling today I guess. (chuckle) (long pause) (shifting noises)

THERAPIST: I think you sound, (pause) or it seems like, (pause) It's really hard to think about the prospect of this not working out. (pause) And his moving out related to that, because you don't really want to feel relieved that he left, I think. You feel more worried about that it sounds like then feeling sad.

CLIENT: Yeah, (pause) And like maybe it's like, I guess a way, the ways that I feel like I will feel relieved. I will feel like I don't, I feel like he, I don't know if judge is the right word, but like, ah, I don't know like want to influence or like want me to think his way about the way things should be done and like I, I, think so, some of the relief is financial stuff. Some of the relieve is not having to pick up after someone anymore, because, I mean I think like women have a tenancy to do it anyway, I mean like some women and I'm one of them. But like he has this irritating habit of just like, leaving like shoes everywhere and like he'll like pile his work clothes after work like on the radiator in the bedroom instead of putting them away in the closet. And like not, like putting stuff away, like his shoes are in a big pile in the closet instead of like organized like mine are. Like that's part of, another part of the relief, not having to deal with that. Not having to like, depend on him to be the one to clean the dishes because he said that he would be that person to clean the dishes and then they are sitting there for a week and they smell because it's hot and humid. You know, so there's that relief, there's the financial relief and then there's the relief of not feeling like there's somebody breathing down my back about every decision I make and how I do things in the house, and why did you do it this way and not that way. And don't do that, like no you have to do this and well this isn't, well why'd you do that and you know, there's also a relief of as mundane as this is, it's like, he likes to fall asleep with the TV on, and like, I'll put it on sleep, but like I would really prefer to like close my eyes with the TV lights like everything off. Like that's just how I've always fallen asleep, and I've really only just started doing this more with him, like, I'll watch TV in bed, but when I'm like ready to go to bed, I'll like close it like, close TV and I'll just go to bed. And he doesn't like that, it's like is that really a feeling of like, that, you know, and, I, so, thinking in that way, kind of makes me feel like this is almost, also in part of being like a rediscovery of like, what I've changed for him, and what I don't' want to compromise in this relationship and in the future relationships, like. A relief of not feeling like we have to be in the same room all the time. And that like, I can like choose to watch the shows that I want, without it being like "well you watched your shows yesterday, can we watch my shows today' you know. [00:34:39]

It's like, I've brought up like, why don't' we just go in different rooms and watch TV. We've got two TV's for a reason. But like that never really happened, so that feeling of like yes, I can go home and watch Bridesmaid on TLC, like and not have to hear complaining (chuckle) and like or, you know whatever. Only having to watch my own close. So, there's a lot of stuff. And so I think that some of that stuff does lead to, does kind of lead back to me like again, kind of rediscovering like my own habit and how I like to live as an adult on my own.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And I think that, that feeling relates back to the like dread of him moving out in the sense that like, what if I'm so relieved that like I don't' ever want to go back to that, and never want to even discuss like compromising on some of this stuff with him, like. (pause) Yeah, like not, I mean just like, And even this is just like bad but like, uh, like not having to deal with the fact that like he wakes up and like wants to like do sexual stuff or like wants to do it before bed, but then I'm too tired and like, not having to feel like I'm like letting him down and like making him feel like unattractive or like, being you know like being like cold fish or whatever, like not having to deal with the pressure of like (non verbal noise) Like he wants to have sex more than I do, and

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: I think that like some men in general, like I think that more men in general have like a higher sex drive than some situations. Which okay, but like feeling relief at not having to like deal with that as much, because it does make me feel like pressure sometimes of like, if I really don't want to do anything, but then he acts like he feels bad if I don't. And like so even that is like, ah, OK, I can relax and not have to worry about this like

THERAPIST: Yes

CLIENT: Same issue, and then like, if we do meet up and like you know have, and end up sleeping, and you know, having a sleep over and whatever. Like feeling like that's something I can look forward to and that like, I'll be able to chose times that are more, that I'm like in the mood or like wanting that or whatever. So there's that piece of it too which I think is big. I think the biggest thing in terms of my fear of this like not working out has to do with the relief of not having to deal with him telling me how to do everything or that I'm doing things wrong or you know, turning things around on me or like rolling his eyes at ways I do things in the house or like why I'm taking so long to get ready

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Or why I've done my makeup but haven't gotten dressed yet. Like, like, like leave me alone. Like just let me do whatever I want. I, that's I think what is the, the feeling of relief that is most closely related to my fear of this not working out and let me be, ultimately because it comes back to the issues that I have with him, that I'm not sure he'll be able to change for me. You know, the blaming, the being really rigid in like his opinions about things, and his false, you know like, knowledge about x-y-z topic You know.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And also like not having to live with somebody, where like I get disappointed if I ask them to do something and they don't. With a roommate it's like we have our little agreement of who does what

THERAPIST: Sure[00:38:15]

CLIENT: Like, and I feel like, if, like she doesn't do it, like I take it off in a list of like maybe this isn't a good roommate. You know rather than like disappointment in like you told me you were going to do this and you didn't you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah, well, right

CLIENT: It's not emotionally invested with the roommate. It's, it's not like wow, if you really loved me, you would have taken the trash out and not forgotten. Like, like, no I just have a forgetful roommate and like maybe she's just, I'll ask her again, and maybe that's something we have to talk about. It's a whole different thing.

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: I know like, ah, like everything. I just think it will be good to be like on my own again you know like

THERAPIST: I guess you do sound relieved.

CLIENT: Yeah. (laughter) And I feel guilty about that of course. I feel guilty you know, because he's so sad about leaving. And, is not happy about where he's going and he's not excited to be on his own at his place you know. You know, he's right, so I feel a little guilt towards him. But then I'm like chide myself for feeling guilty because I'm like 'no Trina, like you deserve this, you've worked really hard at like you're life and this relationship and you deserve, this is the choice that you're want to do then you deserve to feel relieved about it and you deserve to feel happy that you can come home and watch whatever you want or read or whatever. Or like not come home, or like not tell somebody like Oh I'm not going to be home til this time, like whatever. Like sure I'll still be planning, sharing my plans with him, like for the time being while we're still you know, together so to speak. But like it's not a matter of like do I wait for you for dinner? Do I, you know bring you home something, cause are you not going to have eaten, you know while I'm out for dinner. [00:40:03]

So, I think once we get through the actual move, it'll be, like, it'll, like we've gotten to this place, and like we'll kind of be moving to the like, the next, the next like step in this process. Which is actually not living together, and actually doing things on our own. And so I think that it's like, I'm in a transition period now like. A few weeks ago it was a transition between I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you and like, now I don't know what to do about our relationship.

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Got through that, made the decision

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Now we're like at the

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Next thing.

THERAPIST: What's it going to be like after he moves out.

CLIENT: :Yeah, yeah

THERAPIST: What's if going to feel like not to have him there, and what's the routine going to be .

CLIENT: Right, exactly

THERAPIST: For the two of you.

CLIENT: Right, and how finances are going to work. Again, Like I'm excited with being financially independent in that sense, but how is that going to work. Like, huh, I need to budget. Myself. You know like he can do whatever he wants. He should be budgeting himself but, not my business anymore.

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: Which feels great. (laughter) So if he wants to spend $300 on some piece of crap photography equipment that he leaves in a corner for a year, that' s his business. (chuckle) As long as I'm getting my money that I need for the credit cards that we've both spent on trips and whatever,

THERAPIST: Yeah, you're good

CLIENT: Right. yeah, and I think that it will be cool to have a roommate. Like, I think she seems really nice, we met on Skype. I think I've already mentioned

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: But she, she's good. She's nice, she's down to earth, like smart

THERAPIST: Good

CLIENT: Somewhat like minded maybe. She wants to plant things on the back porch, and I'm like great, have at it.

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: Like it's something I never did, so

THERAPIST: Yeah, go for it

CLIENT: I think it's great. So yeah, looking forward to meeting her and getting to know her and stuff. But I think that you know, once things have really settled in to place, you know in that regard. Like probably by the second week in September, I'll be able to kind of better assess like, OK now, what's going to happen, like how am I thinking about things now. So looking forward to that time. And the, and the mean time, it's just, it is what it is, like I'm just going to get through it and try to be as positive and you know, [00:42:31]

yeah. As possible.

THERAPIST: Yeah and you know to me, you talk like you're just sort of, ah, getting acclimated.

CLIENT: Yeah

THERAPIST: Kind of, anticipating what it's going to be like.

CLIENT: Right

THERAPIST: And, (pause) You know there's also logistics and also attached to that in terms of how it will all pay off.

CLIENT: Yeah and as torn as I'm feeling about my emotions about Franklin and like towards our relationship, I'm not feeling torn about my decision for him to move out. Which I think is really important.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: So that is a good feeling to have. You know as torn as I'm feeling I reassessed OK, making this decision and I'm like no, this is the right decision. So at the very least, I have that. [00:43:24]

So. (pause) I haven't told my father yet, or my step-mom. About this whole situation. And it was because I didn't, I felt like if he understood that he would still be living there for a month, even if he didn't know the specifics on why this is happening. It would be like, why, what do you mean? No, I mean if you're going to do it, do it, I mean

THERAPIST: I see

CLIENT: I'm not sure. But, so I'm going to tell him like once he moves out, like so this is what's going on, and hopefully he's not an asshole. (chuckle) Hopefully he's just compassionate. Oh, and the mean time, like I know we are like running out of time, but. The, my assistant, got, she, I don't know if I told you but she applied for a position that was open for the Mexican and Central American Program Coordinator, it's a little bit of a step up from what she does now even as my assistant. She got the job and so for the third year in a row I mean, two years and for the third in a row, I'm hiring a new assistant. So that's like something not to look forward to.

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: But, maybe it will distract me a bit. (laughter) [00:44:32] (inaudible)

THERAPIST: Now you've been here before at least.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, but it's just kind of like, really? It's like again? (chuckle)

THERAPIST: Right

CLIENT: So we'll see. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, so it should be a pretty good weekend, and then, ah

THERAPIST: We got a lot done today

CLIENT: Thanks, yeah, I'll see you next, next Friday.

THERAPIST: Yeah

CLIENT: And then we'll talk more then.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Thanks Ethan

THERAPIST: Sure have a good day Trina, take care. You too.

(door opens and closes) [00:45:10]

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