TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's my fault (inaudible at 00:03)

CLIENT: Yeah. So, long time no see. I broke up with Franklin (sp?).

THERAPIST: Oh my goodness.

CLIENT: Yeah, which is sorry, I feel like this pen is (inaudible at 00:19). Yeah, because I did it. I was really scared. And here's what happened.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that's a huge deal.

CLIENT: Yeah, like, yeah, indeed (ph). So we went again to see her together last Tuesday or last week Tuesday.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:42)

CLIENT: Exactly (ph). And I went with, like and I told [Steph what I was talking about] (ph). I was like, "I'd really like to talk about some things that I didn't get a chance to mention last week." So he was already like, "Well, I don't like the way that you're putting that and I don't know what that means and blah blah." Whatever. Like, you'll see.

So I talked [to a bunch of my friends] (ph), like, and everybody was like, "Trina, like, you need to break up with him. Like, you just need to like, like, pull up your big girl pants, like, and do it." So everyone was like, "No, don't even" well, anyway, everybody had their own opinion. And I'm like, "No, we're going to the therapy session. We'll see how it goes. If I'm right in my predictions, like, it's going to go shitty and then I'm going to break up with him. Like, [this is going to] (ph)..."

So we went and I basically said that I was happy that in the first session I was able to hear him out on things that clearly were important that maybe I hadn't put as much importance on and things that I could work on I'd like to work on and blah blah blah, but that in the larger sense of our issues it didn't feel like it was as relevant as talking about the situation with Betty, getting some more clarity and communicating better about that.

He was immediately, of course, just, like, defensive and like, "OK." You know, just very typical. And so he was like, literally, like, the chair I was on was similar to this. So I was just like sitting back and, like, he was on just, like, more of just, like, a chair. I don't even think it had arms. He was like this and I was like, "Well, this is going to go well." So it was just more of the same, Ethan. I started to talk about it, he's trying to, like, jump in and, like, say his own things and accuse. Then I tried to respond and he said, "I'm not finished yet. Like, let me finish."

Like, the ways that he was explaining situations with women in the past were like I was, like, literally looking at him like, "What? Like, were we in the same relationship when this happened?" Like, talking about the first girl from the very beginning. "Well, you know what, I had been talking to this girl, you know, somewhat romantically and, you know, I told Trina (sp?) that." And I'm like, "No you didn't. You're bullshitting everybody right now, including yourself. You never told me. You told me she was some long lost friend from the past. Like, whatever. Like, you're telling some bullshit story, as usual." Trying to make himself, like, justify it for himself. Like, living in his little fantasy world. [00:03:07]

And then with the stuff about Betty he's like I was like, "Well, let's talk about the more recent things because, like, the past is the past. Obviously I let it go or else we wouldn't be here." Like, I wasn't going to comment on, like, the fact that he was, like, totally talking out of his ass about everything. And he was like OK. And so he started telling the therapist about it and of course, like, he's starting it off by being like, "You know, and this is somebody and she offered to help me with public relations and marketing. And, you know, I've never really had help with that kind of thing. And so somebody was finally" and I'm like, "Oh please. Nobody feels bad for you Franklin (sp?). Nobody is like, oh yeah, you should have like, you can talk to any person about marketing. You're ridiculous right now." And I was like, "What does that have to do with anything? Like, so that's the reason that" like, it was just bullshit, all bullshit. I was like, "You're lying. Like, you're a liar, like, pants on fire." Like, so frustrated, right.

Like, and he's, like, raising his voice and, like, on the edge of the seat, like, just being a fucking piece of shit. And [at the end] (ph) I'm like I knew this was going to go this way. I sit and I listen to him cry about me not dancing at parties and I hold his hand through it and give him a hug and tell him it's OK and tell him I'll do and then when I want to talk about something that's clearly emotional to me, he can't. Like, he can't give me that. I was like, "That's it. Like, not going to change. I don't really care what she says we could work on in this therapy together and whatever. Like, not going to happen." [00:04:42]

So we're leaving. I was supposed to drive him to practice. He's all (pause) sullen and, like, angry, right. And he said to me, "No, I don't want a ride." I was like, "Just let me give you a ride. We need to talk." So I'm giving him a ride and I'm basically expressing frustration on how the discussion went and then how everything went and explained that I don't feel like I can trust him and I don't feel like this is working out basically. So we arrive at his practice. I'm like, I've told him all this. I'm, like, crying. He's, like, crying a little bit. He's finally was like, "And you know what? I don't care what you said. I didn't cheat on you. It's not emotional cheating or whatever you want to call it."

And the fact that, like, even at this point he, like, still can't validate my feelings about it. And so I said it (ph). I was like, "It doesn't matter if it wasn't to you, if you felt like you didn't have any emotions towards this woman therefore it wasn't emotional cheating. It was that to me. Like, it doesn't make a difference what you think about it. I'm the one who it happened to, Like, so screw you." And, you know, he got very, like, guilt (ph) provoking and, you know, "I know that you'll find the person you deserve and we didn't experience the best of our relationship. And I feel like you cheated me and you said you wanted to work it out but you really didn't this whole time." And I was like, "That's not fair. I did obviously want to work it out. Like, for you to say that is just crazy." [00:06:03]

And he was like, "Please don't contact me. I'll send somebody for my things. You know, just very typical. And I was like, Franklin (sp?), this is not and I'm, like, crying because this is, like, (inaudible at 06:13) for me. Like, it really took a lot of balls for me to actually do this. Like, you know I've been struggling with this for a really long time.

THERAPIST: You've been struggling with this for a really long time. It was very hard and you did it.

CLIENT: Yeah, and you know what and I was like, "You know, we have still, like, money and clothes and the cats. The cats are yours now." You know, just very, like which I know it's painful for him or whatever. So, OK. So that happened. It was election night. I went over to my friend Jillian's house afterwards and, like, drank a bunch of wine and watched the election results and talked about my (inaudible at 06:47). And everybody was literally like, "Oh my god, you actually did it? Because I really never thought you were going to do it." I was like, "Me either." I left to go visit my best friend on Friday. It's, like, so [perfectly timed a good trip] (ph). And he had sent me a message that he was going to pick up his stuff no Saturday and leave the keys and to please leave the parking pass, so now I can no longer park in (inaudible at 07:13), which sucks, but, [you know] (ph).

And so, like, before I left, like, I packed all his clothing up nicely. And of course, like, during the process at one point I, like, realized I had been, like, standing hugging a sweatshirt for, like, (inaudible at 07:29). (laughter) Then I was like all right, put it in the suitcase. I actually almost (ph) packed it and then yeah, it was really hard, right. And I'm, like, packing this all up and, like, I struggled. "How do I pack it? Like, I don't want to put it in a garbage bag because that's way too significant." So I, like, ended up just packing it in some suitcases that I decided he could have. Like, whatever.

Meanwhile Ethan, I'm packing. I'm packing the stuff and I, like, went through a bag that still had stuff in it. The personal training textbook is in that bag. And I'm thinking, "Oh my god. Like, what have you been studying? You've been studying? The fucking book is here. Like, OK, maybe you can find the resources elsewhere but you haven't even asked for it and this is, like, the main book with all the information." And (inaudible at 08:15) I just got all angry and justified all over again. Like, "Exactly Trina. You see, you see? Because, yeah."

And then he did write me a very nice e-mail. He saw his therapist on Wednesday I think, so maybe it prompted he said, "Maybe you should write her an e-mail (ph) give you closure or whatever." So he wrote me a very nice e-mail.

THERAPIST: Two days ago?

CLIENT: No no, last week. Yeah, like, the day...

THERAPIST: ...before he packed his stuff?

CLIENT: Yeah, so before I packed. That was like, you know, "First, one thing, I'm proud of you for making the decision that you did. I know that it must have been really difficult for you." So I'm glad that he acknowledged that. That was very impressive. And it was just like, you know, "I wanted to thank you for all the things you did for me. I wouldn't be the person I am without you. Like, I know that you'll get what you deserve," and blah blah blah blah blah. Very nice, like, goodbye, like, best of luck.

I wrote back another e-mail, like, you know, thank you and just kind of similar closure stuff. He, I imagine wanted to he said he wanted to be alone when he picked up his stuff. I imagine to say bye to the cats. I don't know how he's feeling about that. I mean, I told my mom. I was like, "I'm feeling really bad about the cats and feeling sad for him that he doesn't have the cats and feeling sad for my cats," and, you know, the whole thing. And my mom's like, "But honestly Trina, like, yeah, that's sad and that sucks. But he probably wants them because it's a lot of responsibility. I mean, you need to have a nice place for them to live and to run around. Like, you need to buy them litter and buy them food. So, like, yeah, he's going to leave them with you." So OK.

And then of course reading his e-mail I was like, "Aw, maybe I made a mistake." But no. And then he went directly back to being really cold in the e-mail communications about whatever. He, like, immediately the next morning defriended me, blocked me and defriended all of my friends. Like, immediately. Probably so he can, right, post his melodramatic things and whatever. And then my friend Stephanie today she's like, "Why does Franklin (sp?) still show up in my news feed? Like, what he likes and stuff." And I was like, "Oh probably, like, you're still subscribed or something to his update." And she, like, sent me a screenshot. It was like, "Franklin (sp?) likes, like, some page like Girls with Tattoos." And I was like, "Oh, he just was so excited to start liking that fucking page (inaudible at 10:29) pictures again." (laughter) Whatever.

And, like, the weekend was hard a little bit in Florida. It was great. I mean, I had an amazing time. I missed Mandy, like, and we had an amazing time. I did get, like, blackout drunk the first night that we were there and, like, fell out of the cab. It was, like, funny in retrospect because I was safe, like, because we took cabs and, like, we were fine. But that was fun anyway. And we just kept busy the whole weekend. But then, like, the one time that I was alone for a few hours because she was at work and I was resting and I [was going] (ph) to go meet her, I started to, like, feel depressed and sad and, like, e-mailed my mom, you know. Because there's a lot of things that I "Oh, I miss you. I want to" you know, whatever I wanted to tell him but know I couldn't, so I told my mom instead, which I thought was good. [00:11:25]

And then this week, like, has been a little hard at work. Like, I wanted to, like in these times well, it's been, like, up and down, like I'm just going through the different phases. And, like, so sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm, you know, whatever. And I feel like when you have this kind of emotional thing going on, like, the little things that maybe annoyed you, like, at work or people or whatever, are, like, that much bigger. So I just had been having a hard time dealing with people's, like, little requests and their bullshit at work. It's like I'm really excited that it's Friday and actually my supervisor was like, "Hey, you can leave at, like, 3:00 today if you want or whatever." Great.

THERAPIST: Does she know?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: So I'm slowly telling she's known about this whole situation. [I've always] (ph) made it known and now I've, like, slowly started to tell people at work and then whoever I didn't tell will find out at the holiday party because they'll be like (inaudible at 12:21), which is early December. So, like, it's fine. I don't mind telling people. I don't want a lot of, like, questions and stuff but, like, I think it's important for people to know at work. So I'm telling people but the people that I work, like, most directly with that might have seen me, like, noticed (inaudible at 12:41) or whatever, I've told.

And then somebody from our other office so apparently word's getting around because she sent me an e-mail about this. Like, "Oh, I just heard and blah blah blah. Like, you made the right choice. [You don't need anything] (ph), blah blah blah," you know, all this stuff, which is (inaudible at 12:57). Everybody has been very supportive, which has been big. And I've been spending a lot of time just trying to go out for drinks and eat and, you know, self-therapize (ph) that way and shop a little and, you know. But honestly, like, I can say today at least I so I met with Jessica this morning by the way.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I know OK.

CLIENT: So I felt like it would be helpful for me to get some closure on that situation by going to meet with her again, so I did that and it was really helpful.

THERAPIST: She mentioned something about meeting with you individually and she was sort of starting to talk about it and that's where I [told her to stop] (ph). It must have been just after she met with you.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. Makes sense. And that was really helpful and she actually gave me some insight into basically she said, "I think something that might be really important for you moving forward and (inaudible at 13:57) with Ethan (ph) is to kind of explore why if, you know, a fundamental feeling of trust and security wasn't there from the very beginning of your relationship, why did you pursue, why did you stay, why did you continue?" And I was like, "Honestly, thank you for pointing that out because I really hadn't thought about that. This whole time that's not I mean, like, I've questioned, you know, why have I, like, bothered and why have I dealt with this stuff for so long. But, like, I hadn't really thought about, like, why from the very beginning, like, very beginning like first month there wasn't trust, that I let it go and wanted to do it anyway. And I realize that that's probably really important also moving forward in relationships because I don't want to do that. [00:14:48]

I mean, I can say, like, generally I think there was a sense of urgency and wanting to find somebody, being happy that I found somebody that I liked and our personalities matched and we like to do the same thing socially and wanting to get married. I feel like that sense of urgency is there, like, a little bit more now, like, in terms of the age thing. And so I think that it's it is really important for me to look at that and try not to make that same mistake again. But I can say that today I think having met with her, being excited that it's the weekend and, you know, almost the end of the semester and events and all that stuff, I'm feeling really good. I'm feeling relived. Like, I think the relief is setting in. Like, a little bit dodging a bullet in terms of, like, letting it go on so much further and dragging it, you know, through the mud and all that. [00:15:47]

And then last night yesterday Stephanie broke up with her boyfriend of two years. And so I've been helping her through that this week. Which I told her straight up, I was like, "You know my opinion is, like, going to be just, like, end it if you're really unhappy. Like, that's where I am right now. Like, if you're unhappy and this has not been working for a year for you, you've been arguing, like, end it. I don't care." She's like, "I know, I know. But, like, I'm not ready," blah blah blah. But then, like, they broke up and so it's interesting, like, the timing and, like, it's kind of nice (ph) because we have each other and that's good.

THERAPIST: You have a break-up buddy.

CLIENT: Yeah, a break-up buddy. It's good. And, like, newly single buddy too. She was like like, one of the first things she said, she's like, "I know that you really don't care about finding a nice Jewish boy, but I do. So please come to the Ball with me," which is, like, this, like, stupid Jewish singles, which I've gone to before. And I've always been like, "Blah. Like, I hate all of you." But I'm going to go and it's because [there's eating] (ph). So I was like, "All right, well just, like, we'll go to Christmas dinner at my mom's and then go the Ball later, whatever." At least it's fun, like, we'll look cute, like, whatever. She can try to find a nice Jewish lawyer. I don't care. If I meet somebody, then I meet somebody. If not, I'm not being (ph) whatever. [00:17:06]

But yeah, I just like, I feel relieved. I mean, after all of this stuff and all of this anxiety and scared and how it's going to be, like, sure, like, it's a little hard. I maybe should distract myself and it's a little hard being at home alone and I am starting to feel impatient with living in that apartment and wanting to start fresh and that whole thing and that he still has stuff there, you know, whatever. But in general, I feel a lot better, like, and I feel that I made the right decision.

THERAPIST: You did it.

CLIENT: Yeah, I think that's the biggest thing. Like, I did it and this is something that I was struggling with and not sure of. And I, like, feel so sure now. I mean, like, there's still a little bit of conflicted feelings of like, "Should I have worked that out longer? You know, could there have been better times [about that] (ph)?" But then as soon as that thought pops in all of the, like, other bullshit pops in. I'm like, "No. like, the answer is no. It wasn't working. It wasn't going to work. It's not going to work. Done." And then, you know, all those other things, those, like, unchangeable things like the family and the personality traits that I wouldn't ask him to change and all those other little things, it's now, like, I don't have to worry about that anymore. Like, I can somebody that has a better family now. Like, I can actually make that part of my life requirements. I don't have to settle. [00:18:31]

I mean, I've been distracting myself and definitely, like, getting drunk more than I have, like, recently. But, like, not in a bad way. Like, I'm not drinking by myself getting drunk, in other words.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you're holding up. I mean, it's been a rocky week but, I mean, it's been sad and sometimes it's [going to want to be] (ph) on your mind. But you aren't depressed and capacitated or...

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: ...hopeless or anything like that.

CLIENT: I worry that he is, but I talked to one of his friends the other day and she said that they were out and that they're going to the beach in December. And so he's clearly he's fine. Like, I'm not (inaudible at 19:30) he's depressed, he's sad. I broke up with him. Like, justified (ph). Like, of course he's going to (inaudible at 19:34) and I mean, he's liking pages...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 19:36)

CLIENT: ...with girls now so clearly he's good about that, on the female front (ph), which I never had any doubt about and wouldn't even be surprised if he reached back out to Betty like, "Hey, by the way." And, like, the greatest thing about all that is, like, not my problem. Not my problem. And I can flirt with boys and it's not a problem either. It's great. I'm happy. Like, sure I want to find somebody but, like, I'm not in a rush right now. I'm like, really it's nice to just live, like, super, just for myself. Like, all of my plans. I don't have to tell people plans. I don't have to make time. Like, I know not that I know, but to me this, like, sounds a little bad but, like, not bad like I don't know. It sounds like I guess that I can be selfish but, like, not having to make time for other people, like, another person. (laughter) I don't have to deal with you, like, being sad because I have too many plans this weekend with my friends. I get to just have too many plans with my friends and be awesome. [00:20:46]

So, yeah. It's been a little bit surreal (ph) I think too. Like, oh my god. Like, I actually broke up with this kid (ph) that I really thought that I was never going to be able to break up with. But it's, like, pretty exciting. Like, I'm pretty happy.

THERAPIST: Perfect (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah, it's just great.

THERAPIST: That's good.

CLIENT: (sighs) So that's, like, obviously all that's going on in my life for the most part. I told...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 21:18)

CLIENT: Yeah. I told my parents and stuff. And obviously, they're supportive if not jumping for joy secretly. (laughter) Which is fine. Like, I'm a little bit jumping for joy secretly too. I mean, it's going to be a year of firsts. Like, first Thanksgiving without him in two years, first Christmas, first birthday, first new year's. So, like, OK, we'll see how I feel during those times. But I'm not, like, that worried. I mean, I am a little bit at a loss for, like, new year's because, like, we always just, like, do something together or, like, having alone I don't know. It's just and my friend is, like, going on, like, one of those booze cruise things and she's like, "Oh, come." But, like, it's a bunch of couples and I'm like I don't know.

So, like, I don't know exactly how that's going to go. Like, Christmas, Thanksgiving, like, that's family stuff. So, like, I can just throw myself in the family affairs.

THERAPIST: Right, and you'll be fine, yeah. [00:22:17]

CLIENT: But the new year's is more social, so I'm wondering what I'll want to do or get invited to or whatever. I also want to have a party at my house with just my friends that I only I throw and it's only my friends. So I think that'll be exciting as well. I told my roommate and she's been also really supportive and nice. Yeah, it's an (ph) interesting time. I mean, I think it's great. I'm, like, really pleased, to tell you the truth. I mean, yeah, I'm, like, a little bit like, "When am I going to find somebody? When am I going to find somebody? Like, how it's (ph) going to be?" But it's not, like, paralyzing me. It's not, like, you know, oh my god. Like, I'm not obsessing over it. I mean, because in the meantime, like, I can just date or hookup or, like, flirt. And that's also fine. And, like, I (ph) don't have to find a potential husband. It can just be somebody, like, it could be a rebound, like, whatever, you know. And that's awesome. [00:23:29]

I mean, and also if I think, like, when I think about it, like, I've literally been in three back-to-back relationships in the past (pause) six years. Like, back-to-back. And there's been, like, little times in-between of, like, this one person I broke up a few times and we got back together. All this stuff. But, like, it's really been back-to-back, like I've gone from one to another to another. And I'm not going to do that this time. Like, it's not happening this time. Like, it's all been circumstantial in the past. Like, I met somebody and then we just started dating. And, like, that's not happening right now because, like, A, there's nobody else. I don't have anybody to, like, line up. And because I don't want to. And so I'll be, like, single for the first like, actually single for the first time in six years, which is crazy. Which I hadn't really actually thought about until now. But I think that's a good thing and I think on the... [00:24:29]

I mean, I'll be 29 soon. I'm certainly not old. I'm still in my 20s, still have another year. And so I think it's a good time. I think it's a good time for me to be single. I think that I'm at a good age to be single and lots of people aren't in my age range and in my group of friends, but that's OK. There are other people that are and I can hang out with younger girls. That's fine. Like, no big deal. There are a lot more guys in my age range that are single than there are girls, somehow, I feel like. That I know at least. Well, maybe not. Maybe it's even. I don't know.

And in the meantime, we have our ten-year high school reunion coming up next Friday, which I told you that I was planning with my friends, right?

THERAPIST: You may have (inaudible at 25:20)

CLIENT: So I think that's going to be really fun. We're not charging anybody. We're paying. Me and my friends [who are] (ph) doing it, we're paying out of pocket for, like, a deejay, a little bit of food.

THERAPIST: Sorry, what is it?

CLIENT: Ten year high school reunion.

THERAPIST: I know that. When you say you and your friends are doing it, what do you mean?

CLIENT: So, like, some people in our group of friends on Facebook were starting to be, like, wait. Isn't the high school reunion, like, supposed to be in November? Has anybody heard anything? Have you gotten an invite? Like, what's going on? Like, we thought there was some magical...

THERAPIST: Yeah, I figured it'd be something like, yeah (inaudible at 25:54) thing, right?

CLIENT: But there's not. So, like, when I got in touch with the reunion office, like, "No. Like, you're the one." And I was like, "Are you kidding me?" so, like, this is why it was a little bit last minute. And they didn't have a great database of e-mails and they were going to charge us 140 dollars for it anyway. And we didn't have time and didn't want to spend the money on an invitation, like mail and plus who's address is actually, yeah, the reunion office has (ph). Like, nobody's (ph).

So we literally, me and friend Lucy, decided to take this on. We called this bar, which is, like, they have a big 200 person back room that you can rent for free and bring your own deejay and whatever, for 8:00 to 11:00. So we reserved it and we went through the yearbook or graduation roster and literally Facebook looked up every single person and messaged just everybody that we can with an invitation and also a note to tell anybody that you know, because we might have missed some people. And people have been RSVPing and then somebody else who got the invitation took it upon himself to make a Facebook page, which I was like, awesome. Thanks, because I clearly wasn't savvy enough to do that.

And we're ordering little souvenir (inaudible at 27:10) and a banner and I got a deejay, who's my friend's husband, because I didn't know if there deejay like, who he was or how he was and I'm like, "I want music that was popular in ‘98 to 2002 only. Like, that's all I want you to play." So we got him and he's giving us a good price and I'm really, really excited.

THERAPIST: That's cool.

CLIENT: And I'm even more excited now that, like, I'm 100 percent over Franklin (sp?) because then I don't have to, like, feel weird about not inviting him or, like, all this stuff. And I can totally just enjoy and catch up with people and...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 27:45) wonderful thing to look forward to.

CLIENT: I'm really psyched. So that's next Friday. And of course I had a like, this one girl that I know, first she's like, "Oh my god. I live above that bar." And I was like, "Perfect, that's a party at your house, ha ha ha." And then she was like, "I mean, aren't these things supposed to be done, like, a little nicer though? Like, isn't this supposed to be, like, in a hotel or something?" And I was like, "If you'd like to pay 50 dollars a ticket for you and your guest, I'm happy to call the hotel. Like, this is free and last minute and nobody else is doing it. So are you coming or not?" (laughter) Like, I kind of just shut her down and she's like, "You're right." (laughter) You know. I'm like, it's free. Like, come or don't come. I don't care if your preference (ph) is at the Hilton. Like, ours at this bar. She's like, "That bar sucks." I was like, "I don't care. The room is free. Like, what does it matter, you know? There's drinks. Like, it's (inaudible at 28:31) honey. Do whatever you want."

So, [you know what] (ph), if people come they come and if they don't, they don't. It's, like, whatever. Like, it's not nobody cares. It doesn't have to be, like, a big thing. And I think that some people think of it, like, oh my god, like, reunion or whatever. Like, who knows.

THERAPIST: Nobody's doing anything about it.

CLIENT: Nobody's doing anything. So, like, we did it. Don't complain. Come. It's going to be fun. And bring whoever. That's the beauty of it. Like, bring whoever. Your five friends that didn't graduate because they failed out of freshmen year? Bring them. Like, what do I care? Your kids? Fine. And that's what's great about not having to charge people. I mean, certainly we are paying out of pocket for some stuff and we understand that but I'm happy to do it. I mean, I think that it'll make it more fun. It's bringing more people because it's free and it's casual. Yeah, so that's going to be in a week and that'll be great.

THERAPIST: You could see if people wanted to donate. I mean, like, (inaudible at 29:31)

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. Like, at the thing. Like, you know, if you'd like to, whatever. But it's not...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 29:38)

CLIENT: Yeah, it's not [that important] (ph). I was going to say something else that I forgot. I don't remember. I think it's been really good to, like, throw myself into that as well during all of this, because I love events and I think it's something that's been helping me, because it's just something else.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it sounds like you've got things keeping you busy. You say it sounds like a (inaudible at 30:06) you have a bunch of plans this weekend and then you've got Thanksgiving and then the reunion. Not a lot of time to sit around at home.

CLIENT: I feel like I've been neglecting the cats but I'm sure they'll bounce back. Yeah, it's (ph) good. I mean, I definitely want to get myself into my own, like, single routine, like, single person routine that's good for me in terms of being back on, like, eating right and my Weight Watchers and working out more and, like, working out at all. (laughter) Just making sure I take care of myself and all of that stuff. But I'm not serious (ph). Like, now I want to eat good food and I want to drink and I want to smoke cigarettes when I drink sometimes and I want to not work out because I want to sleep more. Like, I (inaudible at 31:00) and I'm allowing myself that. I'm like, I'll lose weight, like, if I gain weight. Like, I'm not, like, worried that I'm going to be in some, like, hole of, like, eating pizza every night or something.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you want to take it a bit easy on yourself.

CLIENT: Yeah, which I totally deserve.

THERAPIST: Yes, this was very hard to do.

CLIENT: I know. It's crazy, like, how I was I would come in here or I'd be talking to my friends or thinking about it and it was just so, like, I couldn't imagine how to do it and I didn't know how to do it and I don't know how to do it and whatever. And then, like, now that, like, I really just did it, like, ripped the Band-Aid off, I just feel so much better. Like, I just feel more like myself and, like, a weight has really been lifted. And it's just...

THERAPIST: Do you [even want to] (ph) talk about what made it so scary, from the other side of it?

CLIENT: No. Just that it was going to go how it went. Like, I was just scared of it going how I knew it would go. And then it went that way and it hurt and it sucked and I felt like he's being a jerk and whatever. But, like, that's what I was scared of. And maybe because, like, I I don't know. I mean, I knew it would go this way. Like, I literally knew how it would be. And I was scared of it. I was scared of dealing with it and dealing with the clothes packing that I knew I would have to do and the cats and the whole...

THERAPIST: [You're like] (ph) sort of scared. [It made you] (ph) angry and you're feeling guilty. [00:32:52]

CLIENT: Exactly.

THERAPIST: Scared at the sense of, like, a sadness and loss and being unknown.

CLIENT: Right. And I did feel a little guilty but, like, that's kind of passed already. Like, I kind of am over it. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I tried as much as anybody would ever tolerate trying in this relationship, like, ever. And there's really...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 33:22)

CLIENT: Yeah, and there's really nothing that I should feel guilty about. I'm not even, like, "Oh, I'm breaking your heart." I don't. It happens. That's life. People break up. And it was just, like, big thing and of course he made it, like I said, you know, "We didn't get to experience our best of our relationship yet and you're cutting it off." All right, well, all right, I'll be that person then (laughter) that didn't let this relationship get like, we had plenty of time to have bests and we couldn't do it.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 33:56)

CLIENT: So (inaudible at 33:58). So I'm really looking forward to the weekend because, I mean, last weekend was great and I was away and it was great to be away. But this weekend I think it's going to be nice to be home. And I'm going out to dinner with my friends Jillian and Stephanie tonight. And I know Stephanie also is going to want to be going out every single night and doing stuff. So, you know, and then tomorrow, like I don't know. This is, like, my first weekend here single in six years and, like, that's a crazy thought. Go crazy. (laughter) Which I won't. Right, so it's great. I mean, like, I'm really lucky to have great support from my friends and family. That's been really important (inaudible at 34:48) (sighs)

Like, totally ripped off the Band-Aid. Like, it's just really. That's all this anxiety I had and, like, it's done (ph). I did it and it wasn't as bad as I, like, somehow made it up to be in my head.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 35:08) on the other side of it.

CLIENT: It's so nice to be on the side of it. I mean, like, some of the things like, I've been joking now. Like, I'm feeling a little better today, whatever, yesterday. I'm like, "Darn it, now I have to find a new IT person. I have to find a new person to lift things in my house, to help me clip the cats' nails. Like, I need to find another guy to, like, come help me turn the mattress every three months." Which are so, like, insignificant and I think that's kind of why I'm like, "Ha ha ha."

THERAPIST: Right, that is sort of funny.

CLIENT: Right. Yeah, it's great to be on the other side of that fence or wall or whatever I was facing that I thought I couldn't get over. So I don't have to deal with bullshit and his sulking and his murder (ph) and it's not my problem anymore. (sighs) I am proud of myself too. I'm glad that he said he's proud of me because I'm proud of myself. It was a fucking difficult decision. Like, fuck yeah. But I did it. [00:36:12]

THERAPIST: Do you feel like people around you have a sense of how hard it was for you and are proud of you doing it?

CLIENT: Pardon?

THERAPIST: Do you feel like people around you have a sense of how hard it was for you and are proud of you for having done it?

CLIENT: Yeah, definitely. You know, especially, you know, my mom and my friends. They are. Especially the ones that were so involved with talking to me about it a lot and, you know, my friend Jennifer in Chicago who I've been reaching out to a lot. And she actually she was like, finally, towards the end of, l, deciding that I was going to just do it, she was like, "All right. Time to take off my, like, good-friend social worker hat and tell you that I knew this wasn't going to work out from the first time you texted me Trina (sp?). Like, from every time that I talked to you, like, I knew you weren't going to be able to be in this relationship. Obviously you needed to have your process but, like, you need to just finally make the decision because you and I and probably everybody else that you talk to about this has known for a long time that it's not going to work." She's like, "So, there." I was like, "You're right." [00:37:16]

Everybody is right and everybody has been great and they know that it was really hard. A lot of people were even, like, you know, like, (inaudible at 37:22). And the fact that, like, I said, "OK, I'm going to do it tonight if this therapy session goes shitty, which it will." And, like, I did it, like, that night. I really almost was like, "Maybe I won't." And I was like, "No, just do it, just do it." [And it felt free] (ph). Like, it just was very liberating. Because I deserve better and I deserve more and I deserve to be with somebody that I am happy with and I can trust and I don't have, you know, fights about bullshit all the time. Yeah. I think that person is somewhere. And then I got the news yesterday that I am to Brazil for a week in May, because we're doing our big annual event there.

THERAPIST: I see, instead of (inaudible at 38:10) California.

CLIENT: That was a different conference. But usually we have an event every year here (inaudible at 38:14) board members and specialists (ph) and everything. And we're dong Brazil this year because it's the ten year anniversary of our office in Brazil. And I get to go. It's going to be winter there. But then we'll come back and it'll be spring. And I mean, who cares, like, it'll be winter in Brazil. I've never been to Brazil so I don't really care what season it is. (laughter) So that's something that's really exciting to look forward to.

And I'm going to take an extra week off in January to putz (ph) around and just be off. And so that'll be really good as well. So lots of good plans and I think that's something that's helping me now.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: Yeah, I just feel a lot better and it's crazy. Like, even being here to, like, think about how it felt coming in, what I wanted to talk about for the past I don't know even know year? And, like, now. I almost a little bit have to, like, think about now, like, what do I talk about? (laughter) It's like I can talk about anything. I don't have to, like, deal with this everyday anymore.

THERAPIST: You sound very relieved. And it's been sort of tough coming in here (pause) because you've really been struggling with this. You've been very afraid of ending it and (inaudible at 39:38) to see how you could really make it work and frustrated how you sort of kept trying to do things to fix it that didn't fix it.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's still sad. Like, it's going to be sad. But it's, like, an OK sad, like, and a necessary. Like, it's necessary. I haven't told spoken to any his family or, like, the girlfriends of his crewmembers or anything like that really yet. And I've debated if that's going to, like, help me with closure or if it's unnecessary. So I'm not doing anything for now. And he can tell them all first and then maybe I'll reach. Or maybe I won't. I don't know. Like, either way, like, [it's not a big loss] (ph). Like, if his family were awesome it'd be different. This is, like, actually something that I'm relieved (laughter), like, to not be a part of. But I'll think about that and decide I think later [if I want to] (ph). It's just, well, it's the right decision.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 40:52)

CLIENT: Yes. I do think that my dad is like secretly like, "Oh my god." I mean, like, I know that he's sad that I'm hurting.

THERAPIST: He was not a big fan of Franklin (sp?)?

CLIENT: He was just not a big fan of yeah. My brother wasn't either. I know that my brother I mean, everybody's like, "Oh my god. I'm so sorry." Like, that's all right. But I know that my brother didn't like him and, you know, the family issue. That's a huge issue in my family. It's like they're not normal but they're more normal. (laughter) Less dysfunctional I guess should be the better way to describe it.

THERAPIST: OK. I guess congratulations.

CLIENT: Thanks.

THERAPIST: I don't know if that's the thing you say but it sounds like [that's kind of] (ph) how you feel.

CLIENT: Yeah, I've been like a little bit there have been some jumping for joy moments. So thanks, yeah. Yay. So I'll see you on Monday then. OK. Let me know if anything changes.

THERAPIST: Yes, absolutely.

CLIENT: And yeah, if you talk to Jessica. I mean, she said [that it just might be] (ph) helpful or something.

THERAPIST: Sure, absolutely. I will try to get in touch with her. I don't know if we'll connect before Monday but I will speak with her (inaudible at 42:19).

CLIENT: Great. Thanks Ethan (ph). See you on Monday.

THERAPIST: Yeah, take care.

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