TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So... (SIGH)

THERAPIST: Ready, set, go?

CLIENT: Right. Okay. (LAUGHTER) So last Friday I was getting ready my like big birthday night out. Okay? I had a great day on Saturday with Steph (ph). I had a family dinner on Friday, great day with Steph on Saturday. We went shopping, did all this stuff. Got to the hotel. You know, I think I told you. I got a hotel room from a friend who got me a discount because then like... I just thought it would be fun to sleep over with Steph and be closer to the club that we were going to and all this stuff. And we got to the hotel at like 6:30. We had been like eating all day. I'd be eating all day because I knew that if I was going to be drinking I need to make sure like I had eaten enough. So I like ate quesadillas and pasta. I ate like... I had a sandwich. Like all sorts of stuff. Right? I ordered a pizza at the hotel from room service, had a couple slices, had a big piece of cake that I brought from my house that was what my mom had made. She made me a cake. (SIGH) And then my friend Amanda (ph) who can't come because she lives in Chicago sent me some chocolate covered strawberries and champagne. I started drinking the champagne. I had like a couple glasses of the champagne and Steph was like, "Wow. You're face is like really, really red." Like it was like all right here. [00:01:01]

THERAPIST: Oh my gosh.

CLIENT: And I was like, "Oh, like, maybe it's because I was drinking the champagne and it's hot in here. I don't know." We had like turned up the heat. She had showered. Whatever. So I was like, "I'm going to take one Benadryl because to make the redness go down." And I didn't really think about it in terms of like I'm drinking. I... It was like seven. Like... I just didn't really make any connection and I had probably done that before because I take on Benadryl... Like if I am... If I...

THERAPIST: You're talking about two Fridays ago.

CLIENT: Two Saturdays ago.

THERAPIST: Saturdays, okay.

CLIENT: Well so the last time I saw you the next day.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. Anyways, whatever.

THERAPIST: Yeah (inaudible).

CLIENT: So I like take a shower, get ready, have a little... I don't even know. That's the problem. Like a couple more glasses of champagne? Some other friends get there; we had a mixed drink, had a cocktail because we had vodka or whatever. And then we leave. And I walked to the... And our friends had met there and I walked with Lucas and Stephen there, tow of our friends. Lucas is Aidan's roommate who Steph is seeing. [00:02:01]

So they're all there. Jillian (ph) was there with her friend Kia (ph). And it was really just us. And we're walking to the car. Then I said... I remember saying to Stephen, "Oh, I'm glad I'm not like already drunk from drinking the champagne because I don't want to, you know, get crazy tonight or whatever." I was like, "I want to have a good time." I guess we get to the club. We had a table with like a server with like a bottle of vodka and I remember having a drink and I remember like asking her to refill it a couple times. And I don't know... And I can't even tell you how many times. And I remember having a shot with my friend at the bar and then that's all I remember. And so this is like probably 11:30, 11:45. And then I wake up in the morning. Like half the fucking hotel bed is wet. I'm like in a t shirt, like, and underwear, don't remember shit. My head is fucking banging and I have a huge knot on it. My face hurts. Like, everything hurts. I have a huge bruise on my knee. [00:03:01]

Like Jillian's on the cot next to me. Steph's nowhere to be seen. Stephen is like passed out on the couch that's like in the living room part of the hotel because it was like a suite. So like I don't know. Jillian must have not been sleeping, you know, very heavily because as soon as I woke up, I like probably said something out loud like, "What the hell?" And she woke up and she was like, "Yeah. It like... You got really drunk last night." Like... I still don't know what happened. I like called Lucas because I was like, "Where's Lucas?" She told me Steph and Aidan had gotten the hotel room down the hall. I called Lucas because, I don't know, I just felt like... I felt like I wanted him to be there for some reason because I had been hanging out with him so much and he was like part of the people that were there with the group. I was just kind of like, "Where are you?" Like that. Because Stephen was there. I didn't have any idea what happened. Like I literally don't remember anything. And then Lucas had been at his father's house. I really wanted to smoke because I like didn't know what else to do with myself and I felt like that would help me which it does and did. [00:04:01]

And so Lucas came over, brought like a joint, some rolling paper, whatever, and we like smoked a joint in the bathroom. I'm like wandering around in my t shirt like a mess, like, couldn't find any paints, like in my little boy short underwear like a fucking retard. Jillian is trying to help me and explain what happened and basically I guess this is what happened... And I had messages on my phone from my friend Manny (ph) who was there with his wife Brit (ph) who also went to high school with us. They both did. And it was like, "Are you okay? Like I've never seen... What happened?" And from my friend Jackie (ph), "Are you okay? Like what happened?" Like and I don't remember seeing Jackie at all. I mean, I remember Manny. I have a message from my friend, like, "Hey, where are you? I'm here at the club." I don't remember seeing her and so I guess what happened was I was, you know, took that shot whatever. I don't know what, how much more I drank, if my friends gave me more drinks, how drunk they were, like the people that were actually there. [00:04:59]

When I spoke to Jackie, I think I got like a clearer picture of kind of how it might have gone down because my friends and I were just drinking and she got there at midnight and said that like I seemed really drunk and was kind of like laughing and dancing all over and, you know, stumbling a little bit but she didn't... She was like, "Oh, it's her birthday. You know, like whatever." Then like she said that I went to the bathroom and came back or something and I was like sitting down on the couch and literally just like head just like sleeping. Like going to sleep. So her and her husband were like trying to help me and like people... I guess my friends were still like, "Oh here. Take a shot." And they were like, "No, no. Like look at her. What the hell?" And like trying to give me water and I guess like at one point, I was like leaning on, Jackie's husband shoulder and like and said to him, "I'm just so drunk," or whatever. And remember this is all like second hand because I... There's nothing. Like it's completely black. [00:05:53]

And then I guess, I guess what happened is I went to the bathroom with Jillian and she like was in the handicapped stall and I was like standing up or something against the wall and she was going to the bathroom and I guess I just went down. Like just like deadweight, like fall on the floor. She heard me hit my head like on the marble floor and was nervous that she was going to, that I was going, you know, like I was going to be like a puddle of blood or whatever. So I guess at that point, Aidan... Somebody had to come in the bathroom and get me. The bouncers wouldn't do it or something. Aidan came in and like got me. They're like carrying me out. Jackie said at that point she like didn't know how to help because there were already so many people there so she didn't want to like... She didn't want it to be too many people and everybody was talking like, "How are we going to get her out? What are we doing?" da, da, da. Because apparently I'm unconscious or just like, you know, my legs weren't working, whatever. And so I guess her and Julian left and then I guess like Aidan like carried me out or like tried to carry me out like said that I wasn't... My legs weren't really working really working. I was kind of deadweight. [00:07:05]

He like fell with me again. We both fell like I was like talking like gibberish, like not English when I was awake. I guess they bring me to the hotel. One of the bellboys is there. Meanwhile, thank God that nobody I knew was working overnight shift at that hotel because it's where I used to work. Like thank God. I mean, I don't know. Maybe it would've been good. I'm just, I'm glad that the word didn't get around to the person that helped hook it up and the whole thing. I guess he was helping Aidan and everybody get me up to the room. Jillian had stayed at the club. She paid the tab like three hundred dollar or whatever, you know, for my table that I was planning on paying for. I got my purse. I guess they wouldn't give her my card and ID because I wasn't there. Then she came back to the hotel. Apparently I had pissed myself at some point during this whole ordeal and the bellman was all wet and Aidan was all wet. [00:07:55]

And I guess it turned out fine and like they were just like helping and just wanted to help and then Aidan like, they like saw that Aidan had weed or something and Aidan gave them all weed and so everybody was like kosher. Like, "Oh, thanks," whatever. And I mean, I guess they like got me in bed and then well... And then I guess this... I was wondering why Jillian was on the cot, why Jillian was there instead of Steph. You know? Jillian being the one that lives with her boyfriend and son and should have been going home to them and Steph that was supposed to originally sleep there. I didn't understand that. I was pissed but I kind of was like, you know, "Whatever. It's like... I don't care. They all were there and helped me out or helped me to the best of their ability." On Sunday I was... So the next day I was in the hotel. I just don't know what to do. I literally am dizzy like blurred vision like the worst feeling of my entire... I wasn't nauseous, nothing. I wet the bed apparently. That's why the bed was wet and they had to bring in the cot or whatever. [00:08:59]

And Lucas and... So Jillian and I went in her car. Lucas and Stephen went in his car because like we were going to go eat and I was like, "Wait. No, no, no. I can't eat anywhere in public." So we ended up at Lucas and Aidan's house. Like well they were already, I guess, driving there. I told Jillian. I was like, "Call Lucas and just tell them I want to go to their house. I don't, whatever." We were already on our way there. And that worked out well because I got into Lucas's house and Jillian had to go home at that point. I mean, it's like 10:30 and she's like, "Philip wants me to come home." And Philip had known. Her boyfriend did know what was going on and he even was going to come and help as well but it was, you know, it was, whatever. So she left. I like layed in Lucas's bed for a while with like a package of peas on my head like dying.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Then we had to go back to the hotel to pick Steph and Aidan up and check out. I'm like, like just like a mess, like crying kind of like... Just trying to understand what happened. Like trying to figure out if I have a concussion what do I do? I don't know what the fuck. [00:10:01]

I go to the hotel. We check out. Steph was so fucking mean to me. Like it was unreal. She had another room. I didn't say anything about why she wasn't there. We went to pack up the other room. We went downstairs. I'm like a huge like... I'm... Like I must have looked like I don't even know what. Somebody from the restaurant who I used to know that worked there came up to me like, "Oh hi Trina. Nice to see you." And I was like, "Oh hi! Ugh," whatever. Steph and Aidan were checking out. They come back over to the elevator where I'm waiting. I like literally am like, "Well, at least (inaudible) that's the whole restaurant," and like I haven't gotten to half of a word out and she's like, "I don't care. We don't care Trina. We want to fucking leave. We just want this whole thing to be over," and whatever the fuck she said. And I was just like, "Alright. Fine." So I couldn't drive my car. Aidan... She was like, "I have to go to work. I'm going into work. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." I'm like, "Alright." [00:10:57]

And I was like, "Aidan, you know, I can't drive my car. So if you just want to go to your house, I'm happy to just go there and lay on your couch because I can't drive my car, like bottom line." Then we get in the car and I'm like, "Alright well let's formulate a plan. Steph, where are you going?" "To Aidan's house." I was like, "You just said you were going to work so okay." We get to Aidan's house. Aidan's like pissed at Lucas. Lucas's pissed at Aidan because Lucas's pissed at Aidan for similar reasons that I'm pissed at Steph just in terms of like kind of not being a team player and the whole thing. And Stephen and Lucas are there. Steph and Aidan immediately go to lay down in his room. I'm like laying on the couch and we were like thinking, "Should we order food?" And I was like, "I really want to go home." And then Lucas was like, "Then let's take you home. Like, let's go, the three of us. So we go in my car and Lucas and Stephen stayed all day which really I needed and was really nice of them. I was literally napping... I called the hospital. I called my doctor's office to say, you know, "I fell. I don't know if I have a concussion," and I think I was like... [00:11:59]

The days following, I think I was too traumatized or in denial or just like still confused about what really happened to like think clearly enough to know that I really should just go to the doctor. Like why wouldn't I? And especially that Sunday. Like I just... And so she told me some big things to look out for like throwing up, extreme blurred vision, confusion about where you are, all this stuff that I wasn't really experiencing. And I also couldn't determine what pains and what feelings where part of the hangover and what were part of the injuries that I, had happened. Tuesday I had already had plans to call out of work because of the interview, the Skype interview I had scheduled. Monday I had to call out also. I just couldn't. And so I stayed home Monday, did the Skype interview Tuesday. I think it went well. It was a Skype interview. I was like a mess. I had like a pound of coverup on my face because of like my nose and I don't know. And I think it went well and I don't know. I had a conversation with the woman that I interviewed last year for the thing and she was helpful and really wanted me to get down there. One Friday before my birthday... [00:13:07]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: ...I had the phone interview for the really low paying job.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Which went really well and it would've been a really awesome job like doing certain activities, which is like educational stuff and it would be about in the community and it would be really awesome. But it didn't pay enough and then they filled it. So it's fine. So that's the job stuff. Nothing's really happened. I followed up today. Okay, whatever.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Then Wednesday I go back to work and I had told my boss what happened. Because I was like, "I'm just going to be honest. Like there's no need not to be." I told everyone else I had a bad flu. But I told her because I just felt like it was appropriate. And she was fine and understanding and like, "That's awful," whatever. Wednesday at work I was like not feeling great. I mean, I still had a huge lump on my head, my nose was hurting still and I couldn't figure out what was going on because it was like basically swollen and bruised all throughout here. And I didn't equate that with like the possibility of being broken. I don't know. I just didn't really think about like how it couldn't like go both injuries when I fell probably. [00:14:05]

Or whatever. I don't know when. Wednesday I decide to go to the doctor. They have to see me... I have to see a triage nurse because none of my doctor's team was available. She... I explained what happened. Of course I start crying because like the whole like, "You're so lucky. Somebody could have taken advantage of you. Blah, blah, blah." And she was really sweet. But like immediately, almost immediately when I started explaining what hurt and what whatever, she was like, "I can see that your nose is deviated to the right." And I was like, "It is? Like I thought it was swollen." She's like, "No, you can tell. Like so, I think you have a broken nose. I'm really sorry. You probably have a minor concussion. Like..." So they sent me down to get x rays. I got x rays. They couldn't really tell. He like did a little concussion check. He was like, "You probably did. There's no way that you didn't with that large of a bump and I can see there's a contusion. Like you, there's no way that you didn't get a minor concussion of some sort but just look out for these things." [00:14:59]

And he did a little like walk straight, whatever and I was fine. Thank God. And he said this looked like it was healing and it's pretty much gone now. It's like a little bit of a knot. It's like a little bit of a spot but it's pretty much gone. The bruise on my knee like, like literally was like this disgusting black and blue. I was like limping because of it. And this knee was fucked up. I had bruises and scrapes here. This is gone now too pretty much. It's a little sore too. But he checked that too to make sure it wasn't (inaudible). So and of course they were like, "You should have come sooner." And then I started realizing what the fuck were they doing not bringing me to the hospital that night. And then I got... And then... So then I was working whatever. Then a snowstorm. Then I got a call from the doctor saying the like full results of the x ray came back and, "You have a fracture so you need to make... You know, I know you have an appointment with the ear, nose, and throat guy on the fourteenth. You need to come in sooner because..."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "...he's probably going to need to do an adjustment."

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: So...

THERAPIST: Like the break was in your nose?

CLIENT: Oh, yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Fracture right here.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:16:07]

CLIENT: And... So I went in on Monday. He took me first thing on Monday because he must have seen that I needed it or whatever. And I was stuffed up. I was so stuffed up and there was just so much pressure. Like the whole... It was just so much pressure. And he explained that's because of how it fractured and it fractured to this side. And so Jillian came with me which was really nice. And this ear, nose, and throat guy like really experienced, great. Like I'm really lucky with the hospital and all the doctors and stuff. Like literally, pushed it.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: And he was like I don't know... Some people say this really hurts. I don't know, you know." And so I was like, "Okay." And he like just took his hand and it felt like he was just pushing really, really hard. I felt a lot of pressure. And he was like, "Okay. Look at it." And me and Jillian looked at it and we were like, "It still looks like a tiny bit more crooked." And he was like, "I can go a little more. You know, it's just because..."

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:16:57]

CLIENT: "You don't know. I think, yeah, it's, could go a little more." So he pushed more and like I really, I thought it would hurt more. And the I looked and then my nose was straight.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: And I'm like very conscious of it and he said that basically I might notice in like a month a small bump develop and I might even kind of feel what he's kind of talking about right here. Because I guess like when he pushes it some bone growth can happen and that if it gets really bad and I want it removed, they can go in and actually do like shaving down but then it won't... Whatever. But other than that, he said I probably would be fine with my sinuses and no problems internally so that's really fucking lucky.

THERAPIST: (inaudible)

CLIENT: And it stung a little bit and it's still sore and I have to be careful with it but it like feels... The next day I was like, "Oh my God. I feel so much better."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So that was really awesome and I'm really lucky and then... So let's back up. So I don't know if it was simply that I overdrank, that there was some sort of chemical reaction with the Benadryl that I had taken, that I have some sort of allergy or intolerance, you know, that is manifesting itself in these blackouts or I don't know what. [00:18:11]

Or maybe I'm just prone to overdrinking because of my family and my history or whatever. But either way, it really shook me because... Like, I've had blackouts before and then... And especially since this breakup and I've been going nuts and drinking way too much, right? But like I'll wake up in the morning and it'll kind of come back to me like little pieces. You know? Like, "Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah." But there's nothing from that night past taking a shot with my friends and seeing my friend that I remember. And the whole pissing myself two or three times. Like what the fuck is that about? Like my whole, the legs not working thing, like that's ? when I had a little minor concussion. [00:19:01]

Maybe that had... I don't know. But I have drank since the thing happened and I'm really not... Actually no. I went out to dinner with Lucas at Cheesecake and he was like, "You know, I'm driving if you want to have a drink, you can." I ordered a mojito and I literally realized... It wasn't even that strong. It was good. And like normally I would just sit there sipping it like a juice box. And like I drank less than half of it and was like, "I'm kind of good. Like too nervous," you know? And so it was like a real bottom moment for me, the whole experience. It ruined my birthday and I think it was a, you know, it was the culmination of this whole year being really difficult, you know, this whole break up thing being really difficult, the first birthday without Franklin (ph) being there to be like, "Oh, don't have so many shots." You know, nobody was really there to do that.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Last night I saw Steph pretty much for the first time since it happened. We were like doing, hanging out at my house for Valentine's Day. She actually almost ditched me. (LAUGHTER) She actually almost ditched me to go to Aidan's which is really fucked up because she was like, "Oh, I want to hang out with you because I don't want to hang out with Aidan. It's too loaded." [00:20:05]

And then I was like, I had been talking to Lucas throughout the day like whatever. And then he sent me a message like, "Wow. Steph has no heart." And I'm like, "Why?" And he was like, "Aidan just messaged me to tell me that she's coming over." And I was like, "What? We had plans."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So anyway, then she's like claiming, "I'm going to go home. I'm tired. I can't do this." And I was like, "Okay, that's fine." But I was like, "Lucas, you tell me if she's at your house." But then she like felt bad because our friend Raph (ph) who was also supposed to go out with us, I guess I had to, he ended up with his daughter so he couldn't go out and then Steph... So she came to my house. I don't even remember how the conversation started but I basically said something to her something along the lines, you know, like, "I should have been taken to the hospital that night. Like I wish I had, you know?"

THERAPIST: Right. [00:21:05]

CLIENT: And she like immediately got really defensive and confrontational basically taking it as a huge insult that I had also said, "But, you know, it's water under the bridge and I'm just glad that I'm okay and everything is fine now."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: She got insulted at the fact that I was suggesting... She thought it was an insult because I was basically suggesting that she didn't do the best thing.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: She's didn't like the idea of water under the bridge because that means there is some water that should be under the bridge. She felt like, "Oh, what have you been harboring all this anger about this whole thing this whole time, ever since da, da, da," yelling at me.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: Like yelling at me in my house yesterday. So finally I started crying and I was like, "Steph, like, I'm really sorry this fucked up thing happened to me." "You weren't even there. It happened to all of us." I was like, "I know I wasn't there. I know it happened to all of you and I told you all a million times over thank you and how grateful I am and like everything, for everything that you did. I'm not saying that you didn't do it right." She's like, "But you're saying that if you would have taken me to the hospital?" And I was like, "Kind of, yeah." And she was like, "No you wouldn't! You wouldn't have known. We just thought you were really drunk. We didn't know. Jillian didn't tell us that you fell and hit your head. I didn't know. We did our best." [00:22:03]

And I was like, "I know you did and I thank you for that. I'm not saying that you did anything wrong. I'm simply making a statement that I wish that I had..." And she just wouldn't drop it. I was like, "Steph like what the fuck, you know? Like..."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "Shut up. Like Jesus Christ. Do you have to be a fucking lawyer all day, every day of your life in and out of the office?" It was just... I understand that she felt like she was being accused of something but I was trying to explain to her that I wasn't accusing her of something.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I was simply saying what on my mind and that I wanted her to respect that and I'm sorry that it came out as an insult.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But this is what I felt. And I felt like I should have gone and I didn't and it was... Thank God I was okay. I mean, if I had a concussion, I could have ended up in a fucking coma. They just let me go to sleep, you know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And I fell on marble, like granted there was no blood. I wasn't walking. Like, "I've seen you drunk like that Trina. We just thought you were drunk." I'm like, "You've never seen me that drunk, Steph. I've never pissed myself. Like I'm sorry. Like as drunk as however you all were also... Like as drunk as I could have been, I would have fucking seen that as a red flag." [00:23:03]

Like I'm sorry." You know? I mean, one time I was doing stuff with work people drinking out and this girl... I mean, we were already planning to take her to the hospital. She ended up falling in the bathroom and breaking her tooth and she was bleeding and whatever.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: So we did... It was like everybody you had to. But we were already in the process of, "We need to take her to the hospital. Let's go in a cab." Like, whatever. I was... And I was drunk and I was... That's what you fucking do. If somebody is unconscious drunk, you take them to the hospital. I don't care how... And then she started saying, "Well, I thought you'd be mad because then maybe your mom would find out and then maybe you'd get hit with a hospital bill." I was like, "A fucking hospital bill? I work for the fucking university. What that..." She was like, "Oh so you thought about it?" I was like, "What? No. You just brought it up. I didn't think about it at all. You think regardless of the hospital, but you think I would be fucking pissed at that? No." I mean, bottom line. I mean, bottom line... And I mean, Raph really sparked this whole these people are fucking idiotic high schoolers. Because he's thirty seven. I told him the story. He couldn't be at my birthday because he was sick. [00:24:05]

When he heard about it he was like, "Why the fuck didn't they take you to the hospital? Like that's some really immature like, ‘I don't want to get in trouble,' bullshit." I mean, there's probably... I mean, not much they would have done, you know, because my nose was swollen so they wouldn't have been able to really see the x ray and all that and...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But they could have... I mean, I could have gotten fluids. They could have taken blood to make sure I didn't get fucking roofies. Like they could have checked my alcohol level.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Like all of this stuff that would have helped me put the puzzle together later.

THERAPIST: True.

CLIENT: You know, they could have treated my head. I didn't ice it because I was all traumatized. I didn't ice it until the next day.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: I mean, they could have told me, "Your nose is probably broken, Like it's deviated," like all of this stuff is why it was appropriate for me to go to the hospital. And I, you know, and it is water under the bridge. I'm not saying it as like a bitchy, "It's water under the bridge." It's like it is what it is. I'm alive. Everybody's safe. Thank you all so much. Like I bought Jillian flowers because honestly she did the most work. [00:25:05]

Steph claims that the reason Jillian was in the cot and not her was because Steph didn't want to leave the hotel but Jillian also didn't want to leave me and so Steph... The easiest thing was to just get a room with Aidan and Stephen had passed out on the couch. Then she told me, "Jillian calls me and I came running down the hall but it was really because Stephen had passed out on the couch and she couldn't get him out." And then I talked to Jillian (inaudible) and she was like, "Well first of all, I wanted to go home but we were all sitting there and discussing it and nobody was making a decision on who was staying in the room so I said, ‘I'm staying in the room.' And Steph was like, "Okay. Good then me and Aidan will get a hotel room.'" Apparently like all of them came back, like not... I guess they all didn't understand that I wasn't just drunk. Like I was like fucked like and hit my head. So I'm like sleeping and people had come back to the room to try to like keep the party going. And Jillian had been trying to tell people whatever, "Get out," like all this stuff. [00:26:03]

It was handled poorly, like big picture but I mean, I guess, whatever. They were just working with whatever their idiotic drunk brains were telling them. And then so Jillian said when she had called Steph back it was to kick everybody out. So I don't know why Steph left that out or why I didn't find that out until today when I talked to Jillian that people were there partying. No one had told me, "Oh, we tried to force it a little bit and come back to the room. You know, but like you were like... It was late and whatever. But I didn't know people were actually coming in the room. I don't know. Just like people left out details that maybe they didn't think were important but it makes me uncomfortable because I was there but like I wasn't, you know? And... So yeah, it was just as I suspected. Steph's a fucking selfish bitch and wanted to get laid or whatever so got the hotel room with Aidan rather than doing what the fuck she was supposed to do.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Jillian was like, "I wanted to go home."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: "Like, I was supposed to go home, you know?" Like she had actually told Philip not to come because she was like, "No, no. I'm going to, I'm going to be able to come home so don't worry about it."

THERAPIST: Right. [00:27:03]

CLIENT: So and basically like until my nose got fixed, I've been just kind of like feeling like shit and dealing with trying to figure out like why it happened or maybe there's no why. I know why but just like... I don't know.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I wonder why you got so trashed.

CLIENT: Right. And I mean, again, like Steph's convinced that it's like the Benadryl and the Benadryl and some sort of intolerance that I have. She was reading up on like alcohol allergies and intolerance and thinks that's maybe the case. And was trying to be like... And even last night, she was like," Trina, I really think you're putting too much like blame on yourself for it. I don't think it was just that you drank too fast." And I was like, "I don't think that it was just that I drank too fast, no. But I think that that was a huge contributor. I think that if I hadn't drank so fast the issues of mixing alcohols, you know, like various kinds of alcohols and taking a Benadryl wouldn't have..."

THERAPIST: Right. [00:28:03]

CLIENT: "...had that effect if I had just drank less." And so, well, yeah, I'm not putting all the blame on me because I think there could have been some sort of chemical reaction. I don't know. Maybe I did get fucking roofied. I don't fucking know. Like obviously. Because I've never been... That's like never... I've thrown up. I've blacked out. I've been, I've been tipsy and falling over, you know?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I've never not been able to speak. I've never not been able to walk. I've never been carried anywhere. I've never pissed myself. I've never woken up in the morning with a hangover and not thrown up.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know, I've never taken falls like this. So, you know, in that way, yeah, I don't know. There is some unclarity about what...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...you know, what my alcohol level actually was compared to if somebody came by because people were stopping by the table. We... I don't know. Maybe I was trashed and somebody could have put... I don't know. I wish I had gone to the hospital and found out but it was too late by the time I did so, so be it. [00:28:57]

But for me, regardless of all the other factors, the biggest thing is I was drinking really fast. I was... Too much, too fast and I don't know if it was a result of thinking I wasn't drunk already. So I was like, "Oh, I can drink more." Or if was just like birthday girl. Or if it was like birthday girl with like feeling a little bit... I don't know what the word is. Like insecure about it being the first birthday without Franklin or without having a boyfriend so drink that much more because of that. You know? Like...

THERAPIST: Strange too because you had been, when we talked that Friday, you were feeling great.

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

THERAPIST: Like...

CLIENT: And I was feeling great and like...

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:29:41) about all this Texas stuff and excited about it and pleased that things were happening so quickly and that you were finally going to do this thing that you had wanted to do and felt like you sort of finally having the confidence to do in a way. [00:29:59]

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I wonder what's going on there. I mean, in other words, it's not as if you were in a bad place, you know?

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: And wanted to sort of obliterate it.

CLIENT: No. It wasn't... I mean, I've had those nights recently.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: I haven't even gotten this fucked up on that.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: On a kind of emotional fueled...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...drinking binge or whatever, you know? This was purely like I wanted to have a good time.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I was having a good time. I was looking good. I had a new outfit on. My hair was cute. I ate enough during the day. Like I was... I drank enough water. I mean, I was chilling. Like...

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: I was really excited that the club was fun. The music was really great. Friends were coming. Like... (PAUSE) And I'm really... Like it ruined... Like I missed my birthday. It sucks.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. [00:30:51]

CLIENT: I mean... (SIGH) And I, and the whole like not drinking thing is like more because I don't know what happened because I wasn't drinking because I was depressed or anything. Like and then I'm scared. I'm scared to have a glass of wine. Like... And now when I think about it and I have a couple glasses of wine and my face turns red and I don't think about it because it's just always happen. Now I'm like, "Fuck. Well maybe I can't. Maybe I can never drink champagne again or maybe that's what did it because also I drank champagne on New Year's and I got really fucked up even though that was more like, "Fuck this," you know. Like maybe it's the mixture of everything so I don't. I'm scared. I'm just totally rattled, you know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I mean, I guess it's... I mean, it makes me feel good that like I'm not like, "Oh, God. I really want a drink. I really want a drink," and drank that mojito and wasn't like, "Mmm. Yum. Nevermind I'm not scared anymore. Like... You know? That's good and I feel pleased about that. And I don't think this is like an, "I'm going to be done with drinking forever," thing. [00:32:01]

I think I just have to drink... I like have to be... I mean, my mother... One of my mother's biggest problems with everything is too much, too fast. Food, water, juice, coffee, like alcohol. And so that's, you know, if I could have a similar problem, then I really need to do a better job of monitoring how quickly I'm drinking my alcoholic beverages when I do go out. I think that's the takeaway here for me. I mean, do you think I should be taking away something like more like that I should never drink? I mean... Or like that I should go to AA?

(PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Not necessarily.

(PAUSE) [00:33:00]

THERAPIST: I mean, how much had you been drinking generally. I mean, I've been hearing about it mostly, you know, in episodes like this but more toned down where you drank more than you...

CLIENT: Intended or wanted?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I mean, had you been drinking much during the week?

CLIENT: No, not at all. I mean, a few weeks ago, I drank too much wine with my friend on a weeknight. But it wasn't like a home alone like... And I haven't been like having drinks at home. Like I haven't...

THERAPIST: Do you have drinks with dinner usually?

CLIENT: Like if I go out to dinner or at home?

THERAPIST: At home?

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean, with Franklin when I (inaudible)

THERAPIST: (inaudible) you're at home for dinner.

CLIENT: Mm hmm. Yeah ordering freaking pizza. They don't deliver alcohol.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER) [00:34:03]

CLIENT: And I'm sure as hell not going out.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I mean, no. (PAUSE) And I mean, if I do it's like a glass of wine or two.

THERAPIST: Maybe what we're talking about is more like a binge than it is like alcoholism.

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

THERAPIST: In other words, maybe the sort of the symptom here is kind of tending to do a binge.

CLIENT: Right. Which is what I'm kind of relating to my mother's always fat.

THERAPIST: She apparently had both, yeah.

(PAUSE)

CLIENT: I mean, I don't want to behave that way though, you know. I don't want to be binge drinking.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:34:57]

CLIENT: I mean, when I was waiting... Actually, coincidentally enough, when I was waiting for the guy to adjust my nose, there was like pamphlets. You know, there was like pamphlets. One of them was like, like, "Don't binge drink," like, "Don't over drink."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And like how many drinks you should have in hour many hours for your weight and if you're a woman... I was like, "Okay, well, I definitely don't really adhere to the one drink per hour thing if I'm out.

THERAPIST: Right. And that...

(PAUSE)

CLIENT: And I guess I want to distinguish for myself more of a line between going out and having drinks and getting a little bit tipsy and going out and having drinks and getting drunk until the point where you're in bed until two PM the next day with a huge headache. [00:36:01]

THERAPIST: Right. And also I think often not feeling all that great about...

CLIENT: Having drank that much.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Absolutely. And I read that pamphlet and I was like, "Okay. Average is one to two drinks an hour." I'm going to slow that down to one drink per hour and a half or two.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I mean, I think that's the part where like, sure (inaudible) drink like that, that's great and it's good to sort of know the...

CLIENT: But can I?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I think the sort of the bingeing is kind of a little in your personality where you kind of get anxious and keep things sort of clamped down pretty tight most of the time and are sort of work hard and are on top of things and responsible and so forth. Like... And then you kind of let loose. You know, you're sort of, you're blowing off steam or something like that.

CLIENT: Right. [00:37:01]

THERAPIST: And that's where the bingeing comes in. In other words I don't think it's like a random thing you happen to do. I think it fits in with an aspect of who you are and what you're like somewhat.

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

THERAPIST: It doesn't mean you have to change everything to change this.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: I think it's part of that. You know, I can imagine you, in fact, if I think about it, you know, it relates to what we were talking about on Friday. You know, you were excited about this stuff. It's a lot of pressure (inaudible) You're thinking of moving and getting a new job. You're nervous. You're keeping on top of finances and work on job locations and thinking about moving and feeling sad about Franklin and your birthday.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: You know, where you want to be and all, all that stuff. I mean, I guess it's all stuff that you can kind of worry about or be kind of stressed out by and these are more hard to manage and keep on top of and the you just, you know, blow the lid off. [00:37:59]

CLIENT: Right and, you know that also, you know, another thing I think could be adding to it especially recently is that I'm so bored with my job. Like I'm so bored out of my skull...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...with the work that I'm doing on a day to day basis.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But then it's exactly that. Like, "Oh go blow off steam, like go crazy," because I'm so fucking bored every single day like day in, day out, same old shit, go home, be alone, eat some pizza, like go to sleep. Blah, you know, like go to work the next day and do the same motherfucking events every single week for the last three years. So I think that adds to kind of this behavior recently especially with the break up and the whole thing. I mean, it's all a combination but I mean...

THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean, in a way, like aside from finding jobs and moving, you don't have a lot going on really.

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. So I really...

THERAPIST: And that's kind of depressing.

CLIENT: Yeah and so in these nights it's like, "Oh I'm out. Let's take advantage and go buck wild." Like I don't know why that equates to drinking too much but it does. It's like the binging thing. It's like the...

THERAPIST: Well it's part of dealing with being kind of a bit depressed in a sort of agitated way. [00:39:05]

CLIENT: Mm hmm. Right.

THERAPIST: I don't know if you're super depressed but...

CLIENT: Yeah, but enough.

THERAPIST: ...feeling a bit empty.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: You're kind of agitated and, and this is one way it comes out and I guess...

(PAUSE) [00:40:00]

THERAPIST I think it's also difficult to make contact with that part of yourself that really wants to do that. You know, you're often so focused on being responsible and on top of things that I don't know that... I mean, I guess that you can feel kind of frustrated with your life and alone and bored. But it seems like the part that like really wants to go and get fucked up and really wants to get out of your head...

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

THERAPIST: ...like that part is sort of hard to make contact with. So you don't...

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: ...get aware of feeling that way.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Even though you're kind of acting in a way that demonstrates that you do.

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. That's a good point. [00:41:01]

THERAPIST: And...

(PAUSE) [00:42:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah. (PAUSE) I was thinking about it. Like... (PAUSE_ Yeah. I'm also... I'm not sure what that's about. Is it about getting out of your head? Is it about drama? Is it about kind of obliterating what you feel? I don't know.

CLIENT: Yeah, me either.

(PAUSE) [00:43:09]

THERAPIST: I mean, you know strategically... (PAUSE) You know, sounds like strategically it's fairly straightforward, you know, making sure you're not drinking too quickly and maybe telling people you're going out with at times when this could happen not to let you drink more than a certain amount.

CLIENT: Mm hmm.

(PAUSE)

THERAPIST: But it doesn't explain kind of what's driving it. [00:43:59]

CLIENT: Right. Exactly. And for me that's more important like than the strategic side of it...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...because I can do that. Like clearly.

THERAPIST: Right.

(PAUSE)

CLIENT: But just especially because of my history with my mom and her family and the whole thing I would just really like to not... I don't want to be using this strategy that I have now as like a for now thing and not concentrate on the maybe why I was doing it or why I have the tendency to and then later have it creep back up on me or something. I don't know. I've been so terrified about being an alcoholic all of my life. Like just out of sheer like I don't want to do that. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, I don't think that's what we're talking about is that you're getting close to being an alcoholism. I think it's more an issue of kind of like damaging behavior and stuff.

CLIENT: Right. [00:45:07]

THERAPIST: Which is a bit... Which is important but a bit different.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: And I can totally understand your having that fear. (PAUSE) We should stop.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: I enjoyed talking with you.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. Sounds good. (inaudible)

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: Okay. Alright. Have a good weekend. Thank you.

THERAPIST: You too.

END TRANSCRIPT