TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Are we good until 20 of?
CLIENT: Yes. So I didn't get the job that I got this interview for.
THERAPIST: I'm sorry to hear that.
CLIENT: It's fine. Like it's fine.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But I was put off because I had e-mailed and called her to check in and I feel like a kid would, like understand if you're busy. A lot of people just shoot back a note that says, 'we're still interviewing applicants.' Or whatever. Like, it takes three weeks to check things. Whatever. Instead of just like waiting until you had the person so that you could just click the button in the system that sends it e-mail automatically. But anyway, be that as it may, what's done is done. Fine. I applied to, I still haven't heard from the other one I applied to. So, I applied to a job at MIT because, well I'd been searching jobs like above my pay grade and then the other day I decided to just add my pay grade because I was like, 'nah, I pay grade goes up to 85 so like even if I took a lateral move within my like, title -
THERAPIST: Where's that?
CLIENT: Fifty-right. The pay grade pay.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: So but it's for the position is called an engagement associate and it says in parentheses, "coordinator to" which is like the official MIT like position title which is what I am now. So it would be lateral but I (unclear) to mom about it. I mean she's a good person to ask about this stuff because she also works in the university, like she's a tester and she knows the systems better than like my other two parents would.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And she was like, 'I think that yeah, it would be lateral, but it sounds like it has more responsibility and it's working more with engagement and advancement driven events and if that is the MIT school it is a smaller school so it would give me more opportunity to get my hands on other things or learn more, whatever. And she said that easily, if I were to get a job offer that I should easily ask for 65 where I', making 57,600 now. So that was good. And then I e-mailed that guy that I met with during the summer who is the director of HR consulting. [00:02:10]
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I met with him last summer just because I had met him. I had done that like supervisor's workshop and he had been a guest speaker and so I met with him because I wanted to discuss career goals and he had been really encouraging like he was I mean he was like so complimentary. He was like, 'when did you,' like, 'where did you get all this like confidence?' I mean, the way that you, your eye contact, I mean the way that you're talking about your career. Like the way that you talk about what you want to do. Like, it's very it's great. I think that you'll go really far.' He was really he was really great and he really knows a lot. I mean, like he's a big, he's director of HR consulting. And anyways, I e-mailed him about it and well, first I e-mailed him about an assistant director of an advanced in-services position that opened up and he said I think you may be disqualified because one of the three qualifications is X-amount of time doing actual fundraising and working in that. But, I'll hook you up with the director of HR consulting for advancement and alumni services and he forwarded me the e-mail which he had e-mailed I guess as an internal candidate and he e-mailed her my resume and she e-mailed me and enthusiastic to speak with me.
So I mean it may not be because she's going to encourage me to go apply but maybe just because she sees that I would be an ideal person for her department in some way. So that's another great networking thing that I'm going to do. And in the meantime he said he's not that with (unclear) so he can't he doesn't really have any pull with that, but his advice is really valuable so he advised that I apply and that it may be lateral but it's worth looking into and then he looked up the names of the hiring editor and the HR person for that position and told me to e-mail them and I did and the HR person e-mailed me right back. What was weird about it he said that there's only three applicants including you and it's been open since the 15th. Like that's unheard of for MIT jobs. I mean I received hundreds of applications when my jobs are open.
THERAPIST: Maybe because there are just three internal candidates.
CLIENT: Two internal, one of which is me.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And one external.
THERAPIST: Weird.
CLIENT: I know. And so she wrote me back almost immediately and was really enthusiastic and was like, 'thanks so much for your e-mail. We're sending this along. We're still reviewing resumes so it will be a few weeks until we start contacting people but you will definitely hear from me either way. Thanks so much for your interest in the position. So it sounds like she's enthusiastic about my application and my being one of the only two internal, so far. Which is weird, because it's been posted like now for two weeks and it's usually internal for about a week or two. [00:04:47]
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: But it's obviously gone external already with still only two internal candidates.
THERAPIST: Weird.
CLIENT: It's weird. I don't and so even Gavin, even he was like, 'it's weird.' Like this is strange. Maybe I don't know, whatever. And so I was kind of like hesitant because I really don't want to see him boxed in, but I also was like, 'eh,' like I may as well kind of thing. So, we'll see what happens with that. And there have been no other opportunities in Houston yet but, I mean, and then I wrote an e-mail to my parents saying that I didn't get the job and instead of like being like I basically, I didn't get the job, you know, which is too bad, but I still have another application out and I applied for this MIT position and I was like, you know, so I basically said, so you know at first it looked like this was going to maybe go very quickly, but you know it's not, but that's actually a good thing because it's bided my time here and will definitely give me more opportunity to finish up this semester and not feel bad about leaving if I get a job at some point in the next few months. You know. And my mom called me to say how she was proud of me for writing that e-mail because she thought it was really mature and like she was just proud of me for not getting all emotional about it and just being pragmatic about it. So that was nice.
THERAPIST: What's the matter with being emotional about it?
CLIENT: Well, no, nothing's the matter. I think that she just, that sometimes I like abuse e-mails, like sometimes I just like to vent and be like, 'fucking assholes, they should have hired me, why didn't I get a second interview even? Like, da, da, da, da, da. Instead, I was just like, 'eh.'
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Because that's really how I'm feeling about it. To be honest I feel like somehow the other day I like turned a corner a little bit in this whole like break-up thing. Where like I really like, so, here's what it was. So Stephanie closed on her condo. She got all defensive because she was like saying I was like wanting to paint. And I was like, 'you're going to hire somebody, right?' And I'm like, first of all it's so small that it's probably not going to be like that much money. And I didn't mean it like that but she got all defensive. She was like, 'it's not that small.' I mean it could be a whole one bedroom. It's just like not. I said, no, no, I didn't mean that's all. Like, there are like five walls only. [00:07:06]
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: (Chuckles) Calm down. But anyway. She closed on her condo. She took her parents out to dinner at the same time because obviously I don't know whatever (unclear) her father. I don't know. And I was like, 'well, let's have a drink also,' like afterwards. And I guess I don't know if it was like in this well, wait now. First, Sunday that was Tuesday. (Pause) Yeah. Sunday here's what it was. Sunday I had a really good, like productive, alone day. Or maybe it was well, no, it was Saturday. I had a really good, like productive alone day and it felt really good. And then Sunday I had a really good like just lay around the house day and that was awesome. And so and then I realized on Tuesday as I was getting ready to leave the house at like 8:45 on Tuesday, I was like showered, I threw my hair up and didn't put on any makeup, like threw on my jeans, sneakers, tee shirt, sweater, like just comfy and went to meet Stephanie. [00:08:03]
And like I don't know, I had this all of a sudden feeling of like, 'oh shit,' like how awesome is it that like I literally don't have to worry about anybody besides myself? And I know that I had this feeling like at the beginning of the break-up, like it's going to be nice. But that was (unclear), like stop what am I talking about? But then I feel like I turned the corner where now it's like I'm really like, 'whoa, I don't have to worry about putting on makeup because I'm going to be seeing his friends or he wants me to wear makeup or I don't have to worry about the fact that I do want to go out on a (unclear) on a Tuesday night at 8:30 and not come home until 11:30 and drive back and not have to worry about anybody using the car; not have to worry about dinner for anybody. Like I don't have to eat dinner if I don't want to. I don't have to worry about what anybody else is doing.
-Like all of a sudden all these things like started to actually feel awesome to me and like I'm actually starting, and I'm actually feeling like happy about being on my own. I think another part of it is like doing this festival work and just kind of really feeling like I am going to be able to use this time to re-get to know myself like figure out exactly what my own routines are and create them and I've worked out every day this week. Not today, but, still four days in a row. Like I did combined stretched and I got my Ritalin prescription refilled and this week I like started taking the (cut out) dosage which is 5 mg it's not extended relief it's prescribed as 5 mg at 7 a.m., 5 mg at 12 or 1 p.m. and 5 mg at 4 p.m. But, it like fucked me up. Like I didn't hardly eat like all week. Like I don't it totally killed my appetite and -
THERAPIST: You've been taking it -
CLIENT: I never have taken it regularly.
THERAPIST: Oh, okay.
CLIENT: I've just taken it as needed. But this week I was like, because I was doing festival work and work and -
THERAPIST: I see. You wanted to take it regularly. Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah. But it's really messing with my eating. Like, I wasn't hungry at all last night and then I met with Lucas and took over the festival stuff and I like explained to him what was going on and he was like, 'We're ordering food and I'm forcing you to eat. Like don't be ridiculous, Trina.' And like then once I'd eaten, it was like, 'good job.' Like I needed to eat. But still, I wasn't that hungry. [00:10:25]
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: And like this morning I ate like a piece of toast and an egg with a little cheese and was full halfway through it. Which is like totally not my standard. And I'm not hungry right now. Even though I've taken Ritalin today and I'm not going to. I'm going to tomorrow because I'm working with Lucas for like three to five hours straight on the festival and so I feel like that'll help me focus but, I don't know at the very least it jump started my boost of energy for the working out and I'm not doing the Weight Watcher's even though this week I didn't eat anything so it's like I'm (unclear) Weight Watchers. But yeah, I don't know, I've just been feeling a lot more (Pause) and a lot less like, 'oh, I have to come home alone and I have to sleep at 9:30 because I'm so bored.' It's like no, I'm going to go home and like probably work out and that kills like a good hour or two, shower, tidy up and then maybe try to go out. You know what I mean, just to go to, like go to Stephanie's. Like that's fun for me. I'm spending a lot more on gas because I'm like bopping around like everywhere but I think it's worth it. [00:11:38]
I picked up smoking again so I've failed on my New Year's resolution with that. But I don't know. I'm not concerned about it. I'm not like chain smoking. And I can the problem is that I'm like around my friends who smoke and like especially if we go out for a drink or just like out and I say like, 'oh can I have a cigarette?' and then I just buy my own pack of cigarettes. (Chuckles) So I didn't want to start that again but I also want to continue like working out and eating right and I don't know, the cigarettes are here for now, then they're here and I'll stop again. And in terms of drinking, I've had so I went out last weekend and I had a few drinks and a I had more drinks than I wanted to and then I didn't feel good in the morning like I had a headache and stuff. And then, but like then I went out for drinks with Stephanie. I had one glass of wine and was like done. I went out last night for a friend's birthday and had one glass of wine and was done. I hadn't eaten all day though. And then I had to go meet with Lucas but even if I'd stayed I still don't think I would have really drank that much more. I'm just not I don't know, like my face was red after like three sips of wine. Already, my cheeks were like I could feel them hot. Like I don't know if I'm allergic to wine or something. [00:13:03]
I don't know, because it just makes me feel uncomfortable because it makes me worry about like getting too much too fast or something. (Pause) And like I'm going out tomorrow night for like this big birthday extravaganza for my friend that her husband's throwing her a big 35th birthday surprise where's there's like dinner, limos, like her favorite restaurant with like drinks in the limo and drinks at dinner and then (unclear). So like and I want to like, I do want to have a few drinks and like have a good time but I want to be really careful to monitor myself because I know all of them are going to be drinking drink after drink after drink and having shots and all this stuff and I can't do that. (Chuckle)
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
CLIENT: Or shouldn't. Because I don't know if I can do that. And so I'm going to have to like be careful to drink my drink slowly, like forego the group shots because I'm not, I just don't think that that's wise if I'm going to be also having cocktails.
(Pause): [00:14:03 00:14:15]
CLIENT: I mean it's not even really about, okay, like I'm always conscious of stuff like alcoholism being a thing, or a risk, or whatever (unclear) for me, but that's not even it. Like I'm not like, 'oh, I miss drinking.' Like when I had the first glass of wine after I hadn't had a glass of wine for so long it was like, um, tasty. But I'm not like, 'oh, I wish I could have a glass.' Like I haven't been like missing drinking. I just am extra conscious of if I am going to be drinking, how to monitor myself, I guess.
THERAPIST: Un huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:14:48 00:15:05]
CLIENT: I mean, or do I not drink?
(Pause): [00:15:06 00:15:43]
THERAPIST: Well, I think -
(Pause): [00:15:43 00:15:49]
THERAPIST: what you're worried about is being able to kind of monitor and modulate.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Like that you know, not drink at all or you know you worry that you start to drink and you'll go overboard.
CLIENT: Yeah. And especially like with a group. They drink a lot. But I mean I but the thing is I really think that I can just monitor myself. Like I think I can just I think I can if I just pay attention to it. It's just when I don't pay attention to it, that's where I get into trouble. When I'm just, 'sure let's have another drink,' or like -
THERAPIST: You definitely sound like I am in the role of some kind of skeptical authority. [00:16:58]
CLIENT: You?
THERAPIST: Yeah. Which I know in your head you don't think that I am. But just like a bit of a defensive (unclear) because I hear you say like, 'I know that I can monitor myself,' as though I'm sitting here thinking, 'well, I don't really,' well, I think that I know that. For some reason you're sort of giving it over to me or something even if we both recognize that it's your self-doubt.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: It seems -
CLIENT: You mean so that I can get like be okay that like I don't have to worry that I can't monitor me.
THERAPIST: I see, like I can give you permission.
CLIENT: Like, of course you can.
THERAPIST: Oh, I know you can. Absolutely! You'll be fine.
CLIENT: I mean, but one of the motivating factors for me, honestly, is because then like when everybody else is like retarded drunk at the end of the night, like, I'll be like pleasantly tipsy and like not have a hangover in the morning. You know?
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
CLIENT: Which is a good thing.
THERAPIST: Again, it's like you're trying to say, 'well, (unclear), I'm not even worried about what happened before happening. It's just that I really, you know, would enjoy feeling like I didn't have to feel the consequences of having had too much to drink like everybody else will do. Again, there's a sense of like (Pause) yeah, it's really like you're worried about how I'm going to see you or that I will think that you're a mess if you're not together and that you're working I think pretty hard to make it clear to me that that's not true and -
(Pause): [00:18:57 00:19:09]
THERAPIST: I guess it also involves sort of presuming I have certain standards or expectations like, 'I'm not just going to get trashed this weekend,' or like, 'I think it's better if you don't just get trashed and wind up with a hangover the next morning.' You know, like yeah, I think there's this way that you sort of imagine or (unclear) imagine that I have like a particular set of like kind of values around this sort of thing. Like, 'yeah I think it's better, it's more mature,' like -
CLIENT: Well, I think that, so. I don't want to be a drunk mess. Like that's what it is. Like, I don't want to be like stumbling. I don't like the feeling and I know where it's left me before.
THERAPIST: I think it's that you feel really ashamed and really self-deprecating about that. Like, I don't think it's that, 'oh, you're a (unclear) don't want to wind up drunk and stumbling.' I think it's that you have this sense of yourself that you could and that you'd feel really ashamed about it and that you'd also feel really bad about yourself for it.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Like as though you had really fucked up in a very immature, very out of control, very like juvenile way. [00:21:08]
CLIENT: You know also I'm feeling so much better now just in myself and I don't want to -
THERAPIST: (Cell phone tone) Oh shit, I'm sorry. I had the ringer on.
CLIENT: You're fine. Yeah, I don't want to backtrack, I guess. Like I'm feeling a lot more in control of myself and my emotions and stuff like that. I mean, of course, who knows how I'll feel next week, but for now. And I don't want to ruin it by getting shit faced at a party with some people that I know fairly well, some that I don't know. [00:21:58]
THERAPIST: There's something else which I think now is a good time -
CLIENT: But I can't -
THERAPIST: No, I'm not saying you're not hearing it, but I'm kind of moving towards the point that I'm making. I think, I don't think it's actually about getting trashed. I think it's about like some self-image like, one image you have of yourself that's like very shaming and very critical.
CLIENT: Yeah, the drunk girl.
THERAPIST: Yeah, the drunk girl, out of control, out of her mind, all over the place. Immature, maybe desperate and in reality, yes, I can go along with being drunk but I don't think it's just about drinking or being drunk. It might have an important relation to it but I think there's probably something about who you are or some way that you feel like you can be that can go along with being drunk but it's not just about that. [00:23:19]
CLIENT: Well, yeah.
THERAPIST: And that you're kind of recognizing or you're trying to sort of like I don't know how to say it, sort of like -
(Pause): [00:23:31 00:23:44]
THERAPIST: Okay. I'm going to make a goofy analogy now but I hope it will be less (unclear) like. You know in the movie about the guy who' in his 30's or something like that, he dropped a crucial pass in a football game in high school and like somehow that stayed with him and part of his character and he just like screwed up at the crucial moment like clearly there is some way in which that actual moment in high school sort of captures something about who the guy feels he is that goes way beyond what happened in that particular play in that particular game. It sort of concretizes something about how he feels about himself.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: This isn't the same in terms of dropping passes but I guess I feel like it's something like that that you maybe are trying to fight against or ward off like the really negative sense of yourself among other senses of yourself that you have that goes along with this particular situation of being trashed and kind of out of control but that also has some other connections that you feel about yourself. Okay? [00:25:03]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And I don't know where that comes from. I don't know if there were times you saw your mom like that and that's what it means to be drunk or other things kind about your emotionality that can make you feel that way, in other words, when you get upset and feel out of control whether that's kind of -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: you feel similarly ashamed and self critical or what. But I get the feeling that it's very important. But I am also aware that (Pause) one of the reasons why you at times could manipulate -
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: or win arguments is because you know, he could sort of set you up to start feeling that way or worrying you were like that and then, you know, it felt awful.
CLIENT: Exactly. Yeah.
THERAPIST: So -
CLIENT: Yeah, that's exactly right I think. [00:25:56]
THERAPIST: Oh, you're just wild and reckless and out of control, immature. You know, even if later you saw it very differently. In the moment it kind of pushed that button for you and like it was really hard to contend with.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: That's what I'm saying about being drunk. Sure, in a way, yeah for practical reasons not to want to be hung over the next morning, but it's kind of more than just -
CLIENT: Yeah, feeling bad. It's and I don't just because I've been like, had been on like this huge bender with like this break up and everything and blacking out a lot and drinking, you know, and I'm just all set with that. I want to remember stuff that I said and did and who I talked to and -
THERAPIST: Well, I think -
CLIENT: how many drinks I had and, like I want to know.
THERAPIST: Yeah. There's also some way in which for some reason -
(Pause): [00:26:50 00:27:02]
THERAPIST: clearly you knew you were really sad in lots of ways about the relationship ending and really pissed off but I think there's some level of grief about it that was hard to feel and that the benders were partly in an effort to kind of deal with it or get in touch with it or something.
CLIENT: Right. And I'm not feeling the need for that as much which is -
THERAPIST: Well, that's good.
CLIENT: Yeah. Franklin (ph) texted me earlier this week like on Monday or something.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And just said, 'hey, hope you're well.' I was like, 'thanks, I am.' Like, 'hope you are too.'
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And he was like, 'thanks dot, dot, dot.' And I kind of think, why did you just text me? Like I don't text him because like -
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: because then all it's made me do was make to actually want to talk to him on the phone and tell him what happened at my birthday and have a conversation and I don't think that that's necessarily wise or necessary even. But then now I feel, but just and I guess I also feel kind of pissed off because it's just like, 'yuk,' and once again, you are making me feel because now I feel like should I have said more, should I have asked him more about what was going on? Should I like call him? Should I e-mail him? Should I and it makes me pissed off like fuck you and now I'm feeling guilty. Like, and I don't even know why. [00:28:27]
CLIENT: Like almost as if like I'm the bigger person reaching out and saying, 'hope you're well.' Like, 'oh, you don't even care to check in on me.' And I may be creating all this but it's a result of me receiving that fucking text. And in the meantime the Netflix is still being charged to my account and he says he's changed it three times and I don't know why I have to keep asking this and there's still some mail coming to my house.
(Pause): [00:28:50 00:29:00]
CLIENT: I don't know, I don't want anything. Like there's nothing left to say. Like what? And especially because he's like where I've like turned this corner now I mean he's been dealing with this whole thing by like working out more and dancing more and doing stuff and so -
THERAPIST: I think that you sort of hear kind of a smug tone for some kind of together quality in him and whether there or not, and it makes you feel like you can't handle it and you're kind of a mess over it. I think that's very difficult. And I think part of that is because (Pause) you're not that comfortable about how upset you are about it and how sad. I know in some ways you are but I think in ways, not as much. I'm not sure.
CLIENT: Well, I just feel so much frustration at how he just his fucking flirtations through our entire relationship. Like I just feel so much anger still at like the fact that he just literally just couldn't keep his figurative dick in his pants. Like, whatever. Finger off his fucking mouse. I don't know. Like his fucking weird chat relationships. [00:30:35]
THERAPIST: What I think I think that makes you (unclear) both of you, I think obviously that you're furious at him for it.
CLIENT: Right.
THERAPIST: And critical of him for it.
CLIENT: And furious at having been critical of myself for allowing it to go on for three years after knowing about his six months (unclear) relationship where I could have been like, 'actually I don't want this.' [00:30:56]
THERAPIST: Yeah. And that sucks.
CLIENT: It really sucks. And just like even like the fact that I found his Twitter and found it like back in July like when we were really like trying to work on things he's like giving winky faces and saying like, 'hey, you,' like the fucking random person who like stayed with us for a few weeks when she was here and then I started thinking, 'were they fucking like in my house while I was laying in bed with an abortion?' Like is that what happened? You know? And then I just started getting all angry all over again like what's the hell going on with how many girls? Like how, where, and all these various mediums that he's giving his flirtations through and I was blind to how much of it, you know? And the stuff that I wasn't blind to I got blamed for being a snoopy like privacy intruder.
THERAPIST: Right. Well, and there were certain ways in which you didn't want to see what was going on in reality and other ways in which you were really running with it in your head.
(Pause): [00:31:59 00:32:14]
THERAPIST: It sounds like you're setting yourself up with it.
CLIENT: Right. Exactly. And then part of me wants to be like yeah, I'm fucking fine. I don't have to worry about somebody that I'm living with talking to other girls at all times of the day and I don't have to fucking worry about budgeting for two people and who's going to leave my car without gas or break the mirror and I don't have to worry about fucking going to practice. Like that part of me wants to be like, 'yeah, I'm great because I don't have to deal with any of your fucking bullshit.'
THERAPIST: Yeah, We should stop.
CLIENT: Okay. Thanks. I'm sorry about being late. (Cross talk). I will see you next week.
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