TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi, come on in.

CLIENT: Hi. (Pause) This looks vacuumed (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Yeah, the carpet was shampooed.

CLIENT: Oh, nice. How are you?

THERAPIST: Good, thank you. (Pause)

CLIENT: I cannot remember where we ended last time. (Pause) I don't know (chuckling). [0:00:57] (Pause) Do you remember or (chuckling)...?

THERAPIST: Is it that important to start there?

CLIENT: Yeah, I just... not important but might lend continuity. (Sighing) I cannot remember. (Pause) [0:02:00] Yeah, I guess I'm kind of in a... I don't know, clearer space (chuckling)? So I feel a little lost I suppose. I was in Ohio this weekend, so I've kind of lost touch with last week (chuckling). So... (Pause) Yeah. I'm desperately thinking about that friend (ph) from last week (chuckling). [0:03:01] (Pause) Oh, yeah, I guess we were speaking... one thing we were talking about was when I think of Victor (sp?), right?

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.

CLIENT: Yeah, okay. It took a while to remember (chuckling). Hmm. Yeah. (Sighing) Yeah, I went to see Graham (sp?) this weekend (chuckling). So it's very different from everything else (chuckling). [0:03:58] (Pause) [I'll tell you what I] (ph) told my mom, and yeah. I don't think I can share this with everyone. [Oh, no] (ph), I told my friend in Ohio (chuckling), so it's like... I just wonder how I'm coming across now. Just a little curious. Yes. (Pause) You're not curious?

THERAPIST: About how you're coming across?

CLIENT: Yeah, about just the weekend and visiting (chuckling). [0:05:05]

THERAPIST: Am I supposed to ask you about it?

CLIENT: Yeah (chuckling).

THERAPIST: I see. Versus your telling me?

CLIENT: Yeah (chuckling).

THERAPIST: What does it mean that I would ask? What...?

CLIENT: That you'd be curious.

THERAPIST: And if I don't say anything then I'm not curious?

CLIENT: Then I wouldn't know (chuckling). I would assume you're curious, so... (Pause) Yeah.

THERAPIST: Well, I'm always curious, so it would imply that I'm more curious about that than other things.

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly.

THERAPIST: And I should be?

CLIENT: No, I mean, if you're not then you're not. What are you curious about (chuckling)? [0:05:57]

THERAPIST: Well, if I were curious about that I'd be like, ooooo (sp?), what happened?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Yeah, I'd like that (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Yeah? What would you like about that?

CLIENT: I don't know. It would make it friendlier (chuckling), so...

THERAPIST: Because it's not friendly now?

CLIENT: Yeah, it was just, like, oh, no, (inaudible at 0:06:24) silence, and I'm just going to start talking or yapping. So (chuckling)...

THERAPIST: Well, what does my silence feel like?

CLIENT: No, I mean it doesn't... I mean, I know that's the procedure, but I guess I feel like, it'd be great if you said, oh, tell me about this, tell me about that (chuckling).

THERAPIST: The procedure sounds like a surgery.

CLIENT: (Chuckling) Okay, sure. [0:06:58] I just meant the way that you do things officially, structured and all that.

THERAPIST: Hmm. It feels very... it feels structured?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Huh. And if I said, oooo, tell me about this, tell me about that, it would be less structured?

CLIENT: Yeah, it would be warmer (chuckling). So that's all.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: But I had this thing happen to me on Friday, but I didn't want to talk about it. I guess it wasn't even in my mind to talk about because I was feeling kind of light, like I guess (inaudible at 0:07:41), kind of silly even, until now (chuckling). And then as I was going through it, I was like, I guess I'll talk to you about it. [0:07:54] But I was going to Ohio, and I was late on the subway? Was just... kind of got held up for, like, half an hour, a little less than that. But I missed my 2:00 bus to Ohio. And this man there... I've described the scenario to everyone now (laughing) over e-mail, but this man was acting very paternalistic. And he was Nepalese, so he's the conductor who kind of takes care of the bus. So he said to me in Nepali, the 2:00 bus is gone. The next one is 2:30, and I can see if I... I'll see if I can get you on there. He was just announcing it to a bunch of people who had come, just kind of me included? And he just kind of... then he just turned to me, move aside, and he just kind of touched my shoulder, and just kind of directed me to stand aside.

So, I mean, I was pissed by the subway, and I was pissed that I was late and I'd missed the bus. And I was... I just immediately became aware of his paternalistic sense? [0:08:59] I mean, I didn't mind that he talked to me in Nepali. I thought, it's good, the Chinese talk to each other in Chinese. It's good for diversity's sake and all that. Just... these are just your... these impressions come to you in, like, a millionth of a second and all that. But... so he touched me, and he pushed a little... pushed me aside a little bit. And I just kind of said, don't touch me, and I just kind of moved away. I just kind of said it to myself when I moved away. But I didn't want him to hear it, or I didn't want him to see that I was irritated because I thought I should have more control over my irritability. But as I was turning away he said, what did you say? What did you say? I said, nothing, don't worry about it. And I just kept walking, and I sat down.

And then a few minutes later, more people came and... who had missed the 2:00 PM bus, and the guy, he started writing his... their names down on a piece of paper. [0:10:01] And I was like, well, what's going on? He's writing everyone's name down, so I went up to him and said, write my name down, too, please. So he was like, don't talk to me. You were very rude to me earlier. You said something very rude to me. I'm not going to help you. And I was like, wait, I didn't say anything rude, and he was like, no, you did. I heard you, very sternly. And I just, fuck. What the fuck has happened? I just... and all these weird emotions just started pumping through me (chuckling). And I just lost it, and I just started shouting at him. I was like, what the fuck is this? You can't treat me like this. I mean, when a woman says don't touch me, that's not supposed to be rude. What the hell are you doing? And like... and I just stormed away. And then I realized the stupid bus didn't have a counter there at the station. And I took [the bus] (ph), and they don't have a counter there. So I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? [0:10:56] So I started crying, and then I just went back and stood in line again.

And then the 2:30 bus comes up, and he's seating people. And this stupid guy... I started talking to him. I was like, what is he doing? And he was just like, you stupid bitch. Go away, don't talk to me, you look mad or whatever. And then I just hated the blank expression on that guy's face. And this guy, the conductor, started seating, and he said, come on, come on, let's go. And I was like, wait, let me get on. He was like, no, I am in charge of this bus, and you are not getting on this bus. You're not getting on the next bus, and you're getting on the bus today or ever. It's my say, it's my company. I'm not going to let you get on... I just felt like, what the hell? I felt so reprimanded like a little girl, like my dad as punishing me or something. I just was crying, and this other guy came round. He was like, don't let him do this to you [any more] (ph). [0:12:02] You have a ticket. Go fight for it. Go speak to someone. Go speak to security. Go do this, go do that. And he was supporting me. And I was just crying, I was like, no, I can't do anything. There's not a counter, and this and that. And I was calling them on the phone also, but they were just not hearing me or something.

And so I go and find security, these two big, bulky guys. And he's like, what? What are you saying? What is going on? And I was explaining to him the scenario, and he was like, ma'am, calm down. We deal with this every day. And he's going to tell me... I'm going to go up and talk to him, but I just want you to know this is your side of the story. And he's going to tell me his side of the story, so this and that. And he doesn't have to serve you. When you walk into the store, they don't have to serve you. I was like, but my money is just as good as someone else's money. Why is this other guy being seated before me? Just because he didn't tell the guy don't touch me? [0:12:59] I mean, what the hell? So he was going and talking to him, the security guy. And they started talking, and this guy started telling him stories, like, oh, yeah, she cursed my wife, she cursed my daughters, this and that. And I was like, wait a second. Fuck both of you guys. I didn't say... but that's what I was thinking. I was like, this is a completely deranged system. You guys can say whatever you want. I'm backing out. I'm going and buying a ticket with another bus company. And that's what I did.

But I couldn't stop crying from 2:00 to, like, 4:00 PM or 5:00 PM, until almost the time I got to Ohio. I just felt so horrible, like, absolutely shaken up (laughing). And the moment he said, I'm not helping you, and he was in this position of authority and talking down to me and being so paternalistic, and me being helpless and not being able to do anything, I just felt so cornered. [0:14:05] And I just felt horrible (chuckling). Completely powerless. And I was just like, why am I feeling anything? Why are they like this? Why can't I be calm? Why can't I be rational? Why did I say, don't touch me? I regretted saying that, and then I regretted shouting. And then I regretted just not walking away and buying a new ticket and forgetting about it. I was so traumatized. Coming back, I thought, maybe I shouldn't come back by bus (ph). Maybe I should come back by another bus. I was like, no, but I bought the ticket. And I was thinking, what if he's in Ohio? What if he stops me? What if this, what if that? Just completely got so scared.

But I told everyone about it. I was like, I need community. [0:14:56] Please send me hugs (laughing). So... and they did, and all the guys were so sweet (chuckling). So... but I was just like, man, am I a basket case? Why am I having... throwing tantrums in public? But I'm like, why is this a tantrum? If I am irritated and it comes across, then this is what happens. But why am I irritated (chuckling)? Why don't I know how to calm down? (Pause) I guess part of me felt like, I shouldn't be going to Ohio. I'm being punished for going to Ohio (chuckling). [0:15:56] (Pause) (Sighing) I really felt small and infantilized and all that.

THERAPIST: Well, he had the power of keeping you off the bus.

CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause) Why did it make me feel so horrible? Why wasn't it just like, oh, okay, I missed my bus. All right. I'll go get a new ticket. Why wasn't it plain and smooth and unemotional? Why couldn't I just tell myself, oh, I think they do it this way, that if you don't make it to the 2:00 PM bus then you have to buy a ticket for the next one? I could have told myself that. Instead, it just became this horrifying thing where everyone else was getting on, and I was not. [0:17:01] It's that thing. It's that feeling of unimaginable or unbearable loss. And this is one fucking seat on a bus (laughing). And it was so intense. Like, this is it, I missed my chance. (Laughing) I don't know why I feel that way, but that's exactly what I felt, completely irreparable, unbearable (chuckling). Yeah. (Pause) Yeah. Kind of like what it felt like when... I mean, that was just a flash, and this was more intense, which is weird because that should be more intense, but seeing someone else sitting next to Victor. [0:18:03] I think... yeah, I think those are comparable. [They're weird] (ph), I don't know.

THERAPIST: Comparable in terms of what?

CLIENT: Just that feeling that, this is it. I missed it. I messed up, and that's it. It's been taken away from me (chuckling). It's being given to more deserving people who behave, who don't yell and scream and throw tantrums and are not sexually repressed or, you know (chuckling). Not on the bus, but you know (chuckling). It's like the list of things that I lack, so... (Chuckling) (Pause) [0:18:58] I think that list is building up, so I'm just like, ahhhh (sp?)!

THERAPIST: It's building?

CLIENT: Yeah (chuckling). This weekend I realized Graham's changed. He's (ph) turning into his mom (chuckling). Not that I've met his mom, but he talks about his mom, how she was narcissistic and very judgmental, very critical. So he's very critical. It was very hard to be with him. But there were light, good moments. And I guess I'm trying to focus on those, and I'm thinking, maybe I'm like that. Maybe it's hard to be with me sometimes when I'm very critical (chuckling). (Pause)

THERAPIST: Do you feel like... I'm not... because there's something about the dynamic of your saying you went to Ohio and me saying, ooooo, please tell me. [0:20:02]

CLIENT: (Chuckling)

THERAPIST: There's a bit of a power dynamic, with you have something that I want to know.

CLIENT: It means I'm more powerful?

THERAPIST: That you... well, you have knowledge or information that I want to know...

CLIENT: (Chuckling)

THERAPIST: And my not saying that... or maybe it's not the same power dynamic.

CLIENT: Maybe. Maybe it's power dynamic. Maybe...

THERAPIST: I don't know.

CLIENT: I want to be in power sometimes? (Chuckling) Or maybe all the time? But I think there's also that, maybe I feel uncomfortable with you being powerful all the time?

THERAPIST: Hmm. And how am I powerful all the time?

CLIENT: I don't know. Are you (chuckling)?

THERAPIST: Well, to a large degree, power is a perception, not entirely, but...

CLIENT: It is. [0:20:56]

THERAPIST: Political power, maybe not. People actually have an impact on your... how you live. But power is also perception.

CLIENT: It is very much so. It is completely. I mean, Victor has power in my perception, and it's just perception. I mean, I'm saying not just my perception. I'm sure a lot of people might perceive him to be... to have power. But it is what he puts out, like that guy, that fucking bus conductor (chuckling), I'm sorry. He... I completely saw him as a petty lord.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. And there's other busses in the terminal as you point out.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It's not even like it's the only bus (chuckling).

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And then there are trains and all sorts of things.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: But then you went to the other bus, which is a great metaphor. [0:21:58]

CLIENT: (Chuckling) What do you mean?

THERAPIST: You went to the star. Star, lucky star?

CLIENT: (Laughing) That's what it's called.

THERAPIST: I know that, [I figure you're not making it up] (ph).

CLIENT: Well, the other [van, the thing called] (ph), what do you make of that (laughing)?

THERAPIST: Get out of town.

CLIENT: That's true. Hmm. Yeah. (Sighing) But yeah, I perceive... I misperceive or something sometimes. And I hate that. I hate it when I see that some people have more power over me, and, when I feel crushed, I absolutely hate that feeling. I think all this happened because as soon as he touched me and pushed me and the blah, blah, blah, whatever he said... and all he said was, the 2:00 PM bus has left, and I'll see if I can put you on the 2:30. [0:22:59] But just the tone and the body language and this and that, everything just added up. And the equation became, man bearing down on me and me being... me trying to rebel and revolt in a persnickety, kind of irritated manner, reactionary manner. But, if I hadn't perceived him to be almighty and powerful, it would have been all right (chuckling). Why did I feel like, oh, my $21, and I bought it. And please, can it be good enough with the rest? Can I get in (chuckling)? So I hate that I see it that way. I wish I could change that.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [0:23:59] (Pause)

CLIENT: I think I... this is a big piece for me, because then I will be so much more productive in a lot of relationships? Like, when I'm interacting with professors or people who are above me, and I already just think of them as above me. But I get nervous, and I keep laughing nervously and all that. And instead of doing that I would be more calm and learn from them instead of just feeling oppressed and wanting to rebel. And with Chris (sp?) also I guess. I would feel like I would appreciate him more and learn from him more instead of just wanting to rebel half the time.

THERAPIST: Was visiting Graham an act of rebellion? [0:25:00]

CLIENT: Yeah, I could think of it that way, but it was an act of me doing my own thing. It was an act of me wanting to (inaudible at 0:25:16). I don't know (chuckling).

THERAPIST: You're feisty today.

CLIENT: I am (laughing). Yeah. It was me...

(Phone buzzing)

CLIENT: Shut the fuck up. Jeez, sorry (laughing).

THERAPIST: Talk about feeling... the phone has power over you. There's no off switch.

CLIENT: (Laughing) Yeah, I guess I just turn it off.

THERAPIST: You don't have to turn it off, but you have the power to turn off your phone.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: This phone does not have an independent existence.

CLIENT: (Chuckling) Yes. Sorry. [0:25:57] (Pause) Yeah, I guess I felt... (Sighing) I don't know what I felt. I mean, it has other meanings. To answer in one word, perhaps (chuckling). Yeah. But there was no reason to revolt or rebel, so... I mean, I know he would... he didn't want me to go visit Graham obviously (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Did he know you were visiting him?

CLIENT: Kind of, yeah.

THERAPIST: What does kind of mean?

CLIENT: Well, I kind of tried to lie, and then I kind of didn't want to lie? So, I mean, I have another good friend, so I stayed with her and Graham separately (ph), but I told Chris that I was going to see her. And then I also said, yeah, I'll see Graham (chuckling). So... but... [0:27:00]

THERAPIST: What were you hoping for from your visit with Graham?

CLIENT: Well, he is very different. He's very artistic. He's very creative. He's very well-off (chuckling), which is kind of not important, but it has become important for him? But I just wanted to be with someone different for... yeah, in Brooklyn and go to clubs or bars and go out to dinner and talk about completely different things, completely not about the politics in Nepal, and talk about fashion and talk about...

(Phone buzzing)

CLIENT: What does she not get? [0:28:00] If I'm not picking it up...

THERAPIST: But there's an off switch at the top of your phone.

CLIENT: Yeah, I know (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Turn the whole phone off if you (crosstalk).

CLIENT: I mean, I knew I shouldn't have called her if she didn't pick up, and now she's calling me for the third time (chuckling). Sorry. What was I saying? Yeah, so I wanted... yeah, he's not Chris. That's what I wanted (laughing).

THERAPIST: It seems like you want to start trouble.

CLIENT: Maybe (chuckling).

THERAPIST: And I wonder why that is.

CLIENT: Well, people say I'm destructive. Why do you say trouble, because I have a good thing going with Chris or something?

THERAPIST: No, I mean, not necessarily. You have very mixed feelings. But you're going... I mean, so you're going about it in a particular way.

CLIENT: What do you mean?

THERAPIST: Well, if you don't feel you have a good thing going with Chris, you can leave Chris. [0:28:56]

CLIENT: Yeah, but we've already talked about how that's complicated.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: (Chuckling) Yeah. I mean, right now.

THERAPIST: So a better solution is to go find other guys while you're with Chris?

CLIENT: No, it's not. I know, I mean, I didn't want to talk about this (chuckling). That's why, because I knew you'd be like, what are you doing (laughing)? But I don't know, it's beautiful outside. I did not want to be in D.C. for yet another weekend. It's been a year since I've gone out of D.C.

THERAPIST: Yeah, [it seems like]...

CLIENT: Excuses?

THERAPIST: Well, not only that... well, not necessarily that, but it turns into your justifying your behavior to me (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah. So that's not what you want?

THERAPIST: Do you feel like I'd want you to justify your behavior? Is that kind of my MO? [0:29:58]

CLIENT: No, maybe I'm justifying it to myself, but I don't know. I guess I'm just saying that I had very mixed feelings about going. And it turned out to be a very mixed kind of an experience because of that, because I was preoccupied, because I felt guilty, because I felt like I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to see... I wanted to actually see what it was. I wanted to explore that for various complicated reasons, I mean, knowing full well the consequence of doing it. And the consequences could be that I have to live with my mom now, or I have to find a place of my own right away, cancel my tickets to Nepal, and all that.

THERAPIST: How would that... why would that be a consequence? [0:30:55]

CLIENT: Well, if Chris suddenly behaves like every other man and says, oh, you went to visit Graham. That's it, you are out of here.

THERAPIST: But you know Chris hasn't done that in the past.

CLIENT: Yeah, and that's not... I'm saying, I don't want to take that for granted or be like, oh, he's not going to care. Or one time he even said... or a few times he said, oh, yeah, you're an artist. You should explore all these crazy things, crazy behavior (chuckling). And I'm not listening to any of that, and I'm trying to treat him as just another guy who would feel bad, who would feel hurt if he knew and then would ask me to move out and I would have to. And... yeah. I mean, I just have... I have all these questions. Like, how does it work with others? How am I... how can I handle myself with other people? [0:32:03] Who are my friends? What do I want? And... in a non-D.C., talk-about-politics-all-the-time kind of scenario? (Chuckling) (Pause) And Chris and I don't do that. Chris and I don't go out to bars or clubs or to... he doesn't just buy tickets to a place and say, let's go. He doesn't say, we're going to do this, this, this, and this today. We're going to... yeah (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Do you think that you want him to feel the way you feel with Victor?

CLIENT: What do you mean?

THERAPIST: Like, oh, there's someone better, sexier, more interesting out there?

CLIENT: I don't understand. I don't think I heard all of it. [0:33:01]

THERAPIST: That you want to do with Chris what you feel Victor does with you...

CLIENT: Maybe.

THERAPIST: That his... he goes with someone who is more interesting, exciting, whatever?

CLIENT: She ain't (ph) as exciting as me, let me tell you (laughing). I am feisty today.

THERAPIST: You are.

CLIENT: She's got a kid. She's, like, 43.

THERAPIST: Boy, that's old.

CLIENT: (Laughing) I don't mean... you know I don't feel that way. But it's jealousy talking, I guess. Oops (laughing). Yeah, maybe I do. But I don't... I really do treasure that he's kind and likes me and is affectionate. [0:33:59] But once I feel loved and affectionate (laughing), whatever the adjective is, I feel also a little cloistered and coddled. And then I just want to kind of push it aside and spread my wings a little. (Sighing) So it's a dilemma (chuckling). It's a (inaudible at 0:34:33) (chuckling). (Pause) I mean, sometimes I do think that if Chris completely changed I might not look at any other guy ever again. Yeah. [0:35:01] What if he suddenly started doing things that Victor did? Or just any other guy, Graham, that he said, we're going to do this, we're going to go here, we're going to have the best time. And he is completely all up in my face and completely rearranges or disorganizes my day, my expectations, and all of a sudden it's like a volcano of emotions (chuckling). I'd be just like, wow! What is this (chuckling)? This is great.

THERAPIST: But that's not who he is.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's not. I think I crave that, so (chuckling)... and I have wondered, what if I had girlfriends who were crazy like that and... or guy friends, but it doesn't come to anything else. [0:35:57] And then I can go back and be with Chris. Maybe, that is, if that would work. I can do all my craziness, crazy things with everyone, with my friends, and then come back home to Chris who has cooked me a meal and (chuckling) is working on a paper and we go to bed at a decent hour. So... but I feel like at the heart of it, at the center of it, what's at stake is my craft? So whatever makes my craft better is what I'm going to do, so (chuckling)...

THERAPIST: You don't want to be the kind of person who treats badly. I know that about you.

CLIENT: Am I treating people badly?

THERAPIST: Lying to Chris and seeing another man, I don't think... I mean, you lied to him for a reason.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I'm not trying to be your moral authority...

CLIENT: Yeah, no. [0:36:58]

THERAPIST: I'm talking about how you're feeling.

CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause) But he said, okay go, but don't come back and tell me about it, and don't start going on about how whatever guy is treating you badly. I don't want to hear that (chuckling). (Pause) I don't know, maybe I shouldn't have gone (chuckling). That's why I think I created that scene maybe (laughing), just punish myself.

THERAPIST: Did you feel... you feel conflicted?

CLIENT: Yeah. I didn't get ready until the last minute. I was working until the last minute, and I rushed. And... yeah. (Pause) [0:38:00] So you said that, and are you anticipating me feeling horrible about it later, or...?

THERAPIST: Well, you feel bad about it now (chuckling).

CLIENT: But I'm so perky right now, today (chuckling).

THERAPIST: You've already felt bad about it is what I'm saying.

CLIENT: When? At the station?

THERAPIST: It sounds like... well, you're saying that you have.

CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause) When it didn't work, the intimacy just didn't work, so...

THERAPIST: What do you mean?

CLIENT: We couldn't do it (chuckling).

THERAPIST: Why not?

CLIENT: I don't know. It's technical (chuckling).

THERAPIST: I don't know what you're talking about.

CLIENT: I don't know if I can get into it. Do I have time (chuckling)?

THERAPIST: We have six or so minutes, yeah.

CLIENT: Well, like I said, he's very critical. [0:38:58] So the whole time he kept badgering along (ph) along the whole time. And that gets to me. (Pause) Sex is very difficult. It's been just a few months since I had [sex at all] (ph), whatever, intercourse. So I don't know how it works.

THERAPIST: What do you mean he was badgering you?

CLIENT: Oh, Graham...

THERAPIST: Yeah, how?

CLIENT: Well, so the moment I got there, my train... my bus reached at 7:15, and I was texting him constantly, I'm coming... (inaudible at 0:39:36). And he's like, okay, I'll be there. And then I got there, and I'm like, here. And then five minutes later he's like, I'm visiting a friend. I'll be there in ten minutes. I said... and I had a deadline, I wanted to send my work to my professor. So I'm like, oooo, if I can just find a coffee shop and send it... so I'm walking up, and he's like... oh, yeah, and it was, like, 15 minutes later he texts and says, where are you? [0:40:02] And I said, oh, okay, I walked away, and I'll come back. And he just got so pissed. He's like, you're so annoying. And I... that had happened last time, and I really didn't want that to happen. So the whole weekend I was just pussyfooting around him, being a yes man to every single thing he said.

And he had printed a photograph on canvas paper, and he put it up on the stairwell. And I was looking at it, and I [touched it a little] (ph), and he's like, why do you touch that? Don't you know...? Haven't you been told not to touch art in museums? And like, sorry. And now I'm thinking, it's not a museum. Come on, relax. And he's completely not changed since ten years ago. We had a huge fight over me just marking up his book, and he was so pissed by that. So that just completely added up. And, when we were trying to be intimate, I didn't want to be intimate. I didn't like him at all. [0:41:01] And that got in the way. So... and he's like, yeah, I want to sleep with you. And I'm like, well, [I'm really] not turned on (chuckling). So... and actually I would have preferred that we would just be friends, and we would hang out and... kind of like how we used to be several years ago, where he would take me to places and buy dinner and this and that. And we'd have a great time talking, but we wouldn't be intimate.

But, since last year that one time we were intimate, it was very good. Like, it was my first sexual experience... well, we didn't have sex, but whatever. It was good for me, the best I'd ever had (chuckling). And... but this time I was dreading it. [0:41:56] I was like, I'm kind of with Chris, even though officially I tell people I'm not. But I am living with him, and we do get intimate, so... and he would e hurt if I did this, so that whole thing also added up. And I just was not turned on (chuckling), and it didn't work. And that whole money thing, he... so I wore these sandals, and he was like, you look like a tunnel and bridge girl. You look like a Pittsburgh girl (chuckling). And...

THERAPIST: A tunnel and bridge?

CLIENT: Yeah, he was like, you're just coming in from Pittsburgh.

THERAPIST: Is that what they call people...? Tunnel and bridge or tunnel...?

CLIENT: Yeah, bridge... something like that.

THERAPIST: Sounds so derogatory.

CLIENT: Yeah, totally. And my... I took... I didn't... like I said, I was in a rush. I didn't pack properly. I packed two bras. One was kind of like push-up. And I've just been wearing push-up bras since last year I thought that was cool, like, it was okay. [0:42:58] And the other bra had red straps, so he's like, you look like a streetwalker (laughing). And I told my friend. She's like, what? I've never heard a guy say derogatory things about a girl's underwear (laughing). So that's what I mean. He's completely insane (ph).

And the whole time, he's like, I want to put you in a summer dress. So why don't we go to Anthropologie and you pay half and I'll pay half? I'm like, but that's still... half of $300 is $150 (laughing). And he's like, so you must be on a shoestring budget because you're a grad student again. He knows all this, but he's controlling, and so that whole weekend was kind of bad. Well, we did still do stuff. We went to the Botanical Gardens, we went to clubs and this and that. And that to me is still five times more than what Chris and I do, which is nothing (chuckling). [0:44:04] So... I'm not saying that I'd settle for being pushed around and being bullied and being spoken to in a derogatory way, just to have fun. But obviously I'd like (inaudible at 0:44:22), but (inaudible at 0:44:28) is pretty boring (laughing).

THERAPIST: Really.

CLIENT: Would you rather not be touched at all, or would you rather be touched and maybe once or twice you get a slap?

THERAPIST: Are those my only two options?

CLIENT: I don't think of that (chuckling). Yeah. If those were your only two options.

THERAPIST: I would make a third option.

CLIENT: (Laughing) Really?

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [0:44:58]

CLIENT: Oh, okay. Well, I will work on that (chuckling). (Pause) (Sighing, chuckling) Yeah, I spoke to a couple of women last night. I guess we can talk about it tomorrow morning (chuckling).

THERAPIST: We are going to need to stop in a moment.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Do you want to come in on Friday? Are you going to...? It's up to you, you had mentioned wanting to...

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: So I could meet... I just looked at my schedule. I could meet at 11:10 or 11:15. Could you do that?

CLIENT: Nothing earlier?

THERAPIST: I don't. I have someone at 9:00, and yeah, I don't have anything earlier, that's...

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Well, let me take a look because I think the following I could do something earlier.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: So let's... let me take a look, and then I can reserve that for you. (Pause) [0:46:00] So yeah, this week I could do 11:10, but next week I could do 10:00.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: So do you want to do that?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So I'll put you in this Friday for ten after eleven. And then next Friday for ten.

CLIENT: Okay. Would it...? Do you mind sending me an e-mail about it (chuckling)?

THERAPIST: That's fine, yeah.

CLIENT: Thank you.

THERAPIST: Okay, great. Did Penelope (sp?) send you a...?

CLIENT: Yeah, she did.

THERAPIST: Okay, good.

CLIENT: I can bring a check tomorrow.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's no... I think I have you... I think you paid for March already, right? I think that that's true.

CLIENT: Yeah, I can look in my checkbook tomorrow and (crosstalk).

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's not a big deal. But yeah, I just want to make sure she sent them out. I mean, I always tell people that you can pay within a month, so it's no rush.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay? So I'll see you tomorrow morning. [0:47:01]

CLIENT: Yeah, nine...?

THERAPIST: 9:00.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Okay, take care, bye bye.

CLIENT: Have a good evening.

THERAPIST: Thank you, you, too.

END TRANSCRIPT