TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: It was just like –

THERAPIST: A disaster?

CLIENT: Yeah. And then I had to drive around for 10 minutes for parking, of course, because was here and that's why I actually, I was off yesterday because we always have off on commencement, just whatever (unclear).

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And then I took today off as well and after this I'm going to go with my boss, who also took the day off, to the beach.

THERAPIST: All right.

CLIENT: Yeah. And so I did something kind of impulsive, like, for me. And it is that I leased a car.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: And I picked it up today and I love it and I'm really, really happy and after I did it I got a little – [cell phone rings] – sorry, let me shut this off. I got a little like panicked like I always have buyer's remorse like with anything in life, always. And then I was like, ‘oh my God, I'm going to miss my car, like I've been through so much.' And then I started thinking about that like, let me just say that, I mean, I don't mean buyer's remorse because I got a really good deal, I got a good trade and everything's going to work out well. I got the car. I mean it's a lease – obviously, I would never be able to buy it. But like it's really nice and I'm really happy about it. So then I started to think, of course, like first (unclear) like, ‘oh, I could have gotten something cheaper.' But really I'm not like paying as much for this (unclear) with the deal that I got as I would be for an Accord without like the leather and the nice things that I'm used to and whatever.

THERAPIST: Your old car. What was your old car?

CLIENT: It was a Saturn, so I had like all the leather and so I was like – my last two cars have been Saturns and so I didn't really want to lower my standards and I was happy to find a deal, but I didn't really have to. I mean like it's a little fancy, like when I just parked it just now and I was like, ‘oh my God, should I leave it here? Like, is it safe?' Just because I've never had a fancy car like this, but it's really (unclear). But what happened with the whole, my car, like my old car, I was like, ‘oh my God,' I started thinking about how I was 22 when I got it and how much is different now and how much I've gone through in that car, good and bad. Like good trips, bad trips, like plenty of times, I don't have to look at that broken mirror every day and be like, ‘fucking Franklin broke my mirror.' You know, just all these good things, but then I also started to get really emotional and then I started to think, ‘oh, like what has really changed since I was 22?' Like I don't know. At first I was like, ‘oh so much has happened since I was 22. It's so different now. Look at me – I'm leasing a car. And I was like, ‘ooh, I was single then and I'm still single.' And then I started like feeling sorry for myself about the only thing that's different is that I'm getting a new car. Just like stupid. But then I kind of got over it. Then I was just sad about losing my car just because I was like (unclear) do I really want to give it up?

And I mean, yeah, because I went this morning and it was like barely tolerable in my car, but yesterday I was in traffic for an hour at five and I literally wanted to leave the car where it was. Because I don't have a/c in the car. My old car did not have a/c. So this would have been my third summer without a/c and with the leather seats, and it's just everything was just freaking hot. Like it's just horrible. You can't see the radio and you can only use the controls on the steering wheel because if you touch anything on the radio it shuts off until the car turns back on. Like, there are a lot of little things that I don't know if they're even going to discover like that, whoever buys it at the auction. Probably it's going to be like, oh look, that doesn't work. Oh, why does it say I have no gas? I just put gas in it. What's the leak underneath? All these little things that, I mean I really like driving a new car which is lovely and cool and it's nice to be able to feel the sunshine, but like not be sweating. It's like, I mean this can happen with any car, like I could have gotten a piece of crap car that probably would have a/c, but like for me it's actually the most exciting part of it because it is like my car, like it has all the same little luxuries plus, plus, it has a/c and I'm like so happy about it and it just feels like I deserve it.

And the thing that I talked about with my mother, she like came with me to test drive this car and we test drove a few cars, but then this was just a good deal for what I wanted. I was like, I do feel like a little bit of an asshole about the fact that I won't sacrifice some manicures, some nights out, some you know, weed, whatever my expenses are, in order to pay off more of my credit card debt at the time, but I'm willing to have zero manicures if necessary, in order to pick up this car payment. But it's a quality of life thing though because if I'm doing less manicures and paying out more debt I'm losing quality of life. If I'm doing less manicures but I have a new car, it evens right out.

THERAPIST: Right. (Laughs)

CLIENT: (Laughs) So I'm really pleased about that and yeah, oh – and – so the reason I ended up getting a good deal is because the manager really didn't want us to walk out the door. I was walking out the door either way. Either way I have to call my insurance company to see if I can afford it. You know, work it into my budget to see if I can afford it. All that stuff. At first they were offering the trade-in value at $2,000 for my car and I was like, ‘hell no.' That would still make the down payment like $3500. Then they offered, the manager's really mad at me, but $3,000. And was like, ‘no, because I can list it for $5,000 on Craigslist and I mean of course I didn't want to do that and have to deal with lemon laws and all that crap. But I was trying to be a little negotiator. So I can list it on Craigslist and easily get $4500 for it if I listed it at $5000 or even more. So, you know. And of course they're like, ‘yeah, but then what happens if' – So the manager got involved. This guy, a youngish guy, I guess. Like mediocre attractive, like I wasn't like, ‘ooh, he's hot,' but he wasn't – you know, whatever. And so he gave me his cell phone number so I called him after we went to Acura because he was trying to get the sale, of course. He said, ‘here's my number. Call me.' So we went to another dealer and the price was like the same or more. The car wasn't nice. And they told me they could only keep this deal for you – oh no, because what ended up happening was he offered me $3000 then for the car instead of $2000 because they want me at the other place. Because for them, they're not making their money necessarily off of the down payment. They're making their money off the monthly payment. So the trade-in value was kind of moot. It's just like how much less I'm going to be paying on the down payment.

So I called them and I was like well, I really would like you to hold onto this deal for 48 hours and they told me originally I would have to put a credit card in order to do that then decide. But he was like, ‘okay, sure, no problem.' I was like, ‘great.' So then he like texted me on Tuesday and said, ‘any word from your insurance company?' Because I was like I had to talk to the insurance company. But then I had already test driven another car at a different dealer, which I liked and it was really nice. I didn't like it as much and probably was going to be the same, but they were going to have me locked in for 36 months instead of 24 and they were giving me less for my car trade-in value, making the down payment the same. I was like, why would I get it? So the guy – the fuel economy on the other was way better. But the fuel economy on this is the same as I was already paying, so. Whatever. I'm making the sacrifice. I should be more flexible but I'm not buying it. It's only two years.

Anyway, so then we kind of started texting like because after I – oh no, he called me to check and I told him I had spoken to the insurance and I said okay, well how about this. If you can give me either 14,000 miles a year instead of 12,000 and/or another $800 for my trade-in, then you've got a deal. Like, because, whatever. I was like, ‘may as well try, you know?' And so he called me back and he was like, ‘sure I'll give you $3500 for the car and you've got a deal.' I was like, fantastic. So my down payment was only $900, which I had from extra money this month.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So that was great. There was a little bit of an extra expense because I didn't consider like the option of the idea that when I trade a car back they do an inspection and then they charge me for all of the repair work that needs to be done, like nicks, dents, chips. You know, scratches on the rims and all that. Or you buy a service for an extra $30 a month for like it covers you for everything when you bring the car back. And I was like, ‘eh – it's worth it.' And so I did that. But my insurance – I moved it to my father's and so it's actually $50 less than I'd been paying on my own. So it kind of supplements the monthly payment. So anyway, we continued texting, he kept texting me mainly about like updates on the car and when it was going to be ready and when I can come pick it up and all that. And then today, since he's the manager, he wasn't the salesperson, but he like, the manager always like talks to you after you work with the salesperson to make sure you are satisfied before you leave, blah, blah, blah. And he asked me if I wanted to get a drink sometime. And I said, ‘yes.' So, I got a date out of it, too.

THERAPIST: (Laughs)

CLIENT: And it's nice because, I mean I don't know this person from a hole in the wall, but he seems nice enough and we texted a little bit to the point that – and I met him a few times, so it was not like a blind date, but I feel like I had to say this anyway, because just like for myself because he's a nice guy, he has a job, like a good job, it seems like, you know. And he lives close to me. Because he was like, ‘oh, where do you guys live?' So we're like, ‘oh a triangle, you know.' So you know, he doesn't live far away if I were interested in seeing him more than once. So anyway –

THERAPIST: That's kind of cool.

CLIENT: Yeah! So I'm feeling good. I mean, the weather's nice. I've got a new car. I was asked on a date for the first time since my break-up. It's pretty confidence boosting.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I was talking with a friend the other day and he was like saying that – he was very nice and he was saying that I'm really beautiful, and really smart and really successful and that maybe I made a bad choice in my relationship but that he thinks that – in his opinion, I should be like alone to really like work on myself and get to know myself because he thinks that I'm so great but that for some reason like I don't think I'm that great because I was dating this guy, blah, blah, blah, and of course, like that's all accurate. But like, the whole idea of being alone for the sake of just, for the sake of like getting to know myself, I don't even know, like that whole idea of like – like how is that going to make my confidence better? You know what I mean? Like getting to – like how is that – like people say that all the time like I have to – people are saying that. I mean, (unclear) I feel like you need to single anyway. Like you're not – and I agree. I'm not in a place for a relationship or to choose an appropriate one, necessarily right now. Because I don't really know what I want and I feel like my self-esteem is kind of – I have confidence issues like what we talked about last week that lead me to kind of make poor choices in relationships or poor choices that aren't the best.

But I don't really know what the whole – like how is being alone like in concentrating on myself instead of a relationship and giving everything – like how is that going to make me feel like a better person? Like how is that going to assist in like raising my confidence? I don't know. Right. Is it? Or is it just going to be frustrating? Or is that not what I should be concentrating on? Like being alone or more like – I don't know. This whole being alone thing is clearly very overwhelming for me. (Laughs)

THERAPIST: (Laughs)

CLIENT: Like for example: the decision to do this car thing?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: Like this is a totally alone decision. Like I totally – and I mean and I didn't even ask my father. I just told him like I got a really good deal and I really want to do it and I want to tell you, A because I'm grafting on your house because of your insurance, and B – because I want – but I wasn't asking him. And I wasn't asking my mother. And she knew I wasn't asking her. And I decided to do it and work it into my budget and figured out what I would sacrifice and what I would not and it was like a big – and it's a big deal honestly. It's like a big thing for me. I mean it's kind of like me applying for jobs thing, kind of decision, but it doesn't feel as much of a big deal because it hasn't happened yet. Like I've just been applying.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Like I haven't moved.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But this is really like the first thing, like I didn't have to consult with anybody. I didn't – I just consulted with myself. I mean, of course, I asked my (unclear) like do you think it's a good idea? Am I over the top?' You know. But when it came down to it, I was going to make the decision I was going to make and it feels good. I mean it's scary and a little overwhelming, but like it's that kind of thing like it's a lot like I do I have to concentrate every day on like getting to know myself, or being okay with being just alone, like not taking care of somebody. I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like, or something.

Or like, even like this guy asking me. And he's like very impressed with my Spanish, whatever. And he's blah, blah, blah. I'm used to that. But he was like, ‘do you want to have a drink?' And then I said, ‘yeah, that would be really nice. Like, I'd love to.' And he was like, ‘well, when?' And like I could have just like said – like I could commit to like saying, ‘yes.' But like I couldn't commit to like giving a time and date. So I was like you know, well let's – call me. Like – and I think it was because I was like, ‘no, no, too much.' Like after I'd said yes. But that's stupid because I don't want to be like that person. I want to be like confident enough to be like, sure, how does Sunday sound? Do you know what I mean? Or like, ‘Monday works for me.' But instead, because he's asking me, what works for you?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But like I couldn't do it. Like I tried to give in to it like a vague, like, sure, call me thing, but now I'm like, I should have just made time. So I don't really know how to like act. [00:14:56]

Or – I don't know. You're looking a little perplexed.

THERAPIST: Hmm?

CLIENT: You're looking perplexed. Am I like rambling a little too much?

THERAPIST: No, no, not at all. I'm just trying to kind of figure out what's going on. I guess I probably furrowed a little bit there.

CLIENT: (Laughs)

THERAPIST: When you said, ‘I don't know how to act,' when actually that's not at all what's going on in that you just told me how you should have acted. You knew exactly how you should have acted. Just for some reason you couldn't at the time. As though you're a little inhibited and were looking to him for some direction –

CLIENT: Exactly.

THERAPIST: As maybe a little bit with me this business about being alone. Although you (unclear) again suggests you probably know fairly clearly what you want or what you think would be good for you, or at least have some opinion about it.

CLIENT: True.

THERAPIST: And then I thought like it was (unclear) like in the driver's seat, which seems ironic to me.

CLIENT: Yeah. Maybe there's something that makes me anxious about that. That's exactly what it is. But I don't know why. Because I was always in the driver's seat in my relationships. I mean in terms of like logistical stuff more than anything.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (Cross talk)

CLIENT: In terms of the emotional stuff, Franklin had me definitely – well anyway. We know. But yeah, I was – right. We're going here at this time and we're doing this and this is what you need to do. You need to be here at this place at this address. Here' the time. Don't get lost. Here's the directions. I mean, yeah. I was always the one giving and making plans. Okay, yeah, let's go to dinner. Okay, 7 o'clock sounds good at this restaurant. I'm going to make the reservations. And maybe that's my hesitation. Like, I don't – I don't know. Like I don't want to be in the driver's seat, so to speak. But, I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I'm just overwhelmed at the idea of being asked to go out for a drink with somebody. Which I haven't in – I don't think I've been asked out in like, I mean, because of back-to-back relationships in five or six years and therefore haven't been out with somebody that I haven't been in a relationship with in a long time as well. Like, I've not ever really been on a date as an adult. Yeah.

(Pause): [00:18:31 00:18:36]

CLIENT: So maybe it's overwhelming, the whole thing but – I don't know because there's part of me – I don't know. Maybe the whole not giving a time and place is like giving myself like an out. Like, just in case I don't actually want to do it I don't have to cancel an actual thing. I can just decide not to. Which I think is lame too, because I think I should go. He's nice enough. You know, I don't know, I could hate him in two seconds but okay, I will know. It's better than a blind date. I mean it is a blind date, essentially. But it's better than like a blind date where you've never seen or talked to the person necessarily in that kind of a whatever.

THERAPIST: Right.

(Pause): [00:19:21 00:19:40]

THERAPIST: Maybe there's something that paralyzes you from (unclear).

CLIENT: Maybe.

(Pause): [00:19:47 00:20:02]

CLIENT: I should really know what the whole like finding yourself is about. Like people say that, you know? It's a good time to find yourself.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know, it's a great opportunity to get to know yourself and love yourself before you can love somebody else. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like what's – like what does that mean? Find myself? What do you mean? I'm right here. Like I don't, really – is it the – well I mean, I guess part of it is, you know, okay, I'm looking for a new job, like finding a new career. But I don't know. I don't know what people's implication is when they're saying, when they're using that in correlation with being single and not wanting to be.

(Pause): [00:20:58 00:21:14]

CLIENT: And then I come back to the idea like I'd like taking care of somebody, like I'd like making somebody feel good because I'm doing stuff that's nice because I care about them. I don't know. I guess I like that. I like that feeling but then I'm like – but then in my head I'm like that sounds medium depressing because I'm like why can't I enjoy this time that I'm not taking care of somebody because the next person hopefully that I'm taking care of is someone I'll be taking care of forever. So why can't I just like leave that aside and be like, enjoy now and you will eventually have someone to take care of. Because I'm terrified that I will never have someone to take care of. That's why. It's like, oh yeah, but then what if like in two or three years I'm like okay, now I've enjoyed it, now I'm ready to do it again, do it myself. And then you know, like my boss is 37, single, no kids, never married, nothing. And like she's pretty and successful and smart and like hello – what's up? You know? And like I'm terrified of being that because I don't want to be her. God! And then her problem though is she was in a relationship with a younger guy for a while but they've been broken up for almost three years now and she keeps saying, ‘I don't think it's time. I want to look. I don't want to do dating. It will happen when it happens. It'll happen for me this year.' And she's been saying that for about two years. And I'm like – like if I were her age, I would definitely not be just like – and I know she wants to have kids and get married. So it's weird, her approach. I don't know. In the sense of a real – it's like a real sensitive subject so I don't – I'm just like, ‘okay.' Because my office mate, offers to set her up with Sergios's friends all the time. Her husband's best friends all the time and they're in that age range, you know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I'm not sure –

THERAPIST: What's up with that?

CLIENT: Yeah. Anyway, she's a perfect example of what I'm terrified of happening to me.

THERAPIST: Right.

(Pause): [00:23:33 00:25:18]

THERAPIST: It sounded like there's this sense of sort of disconnection I think in what you're (unclear).

CLIENT: Between what?

(Pause): [00:25:23 00:25:32]

THERAPIST: I mean with Franklin (sp?) for one thing. Like not just that she is having trouble connecting with somebody she'd want to be involved with but that, at least the way you present it, it's like it's kind of like oblivious you know, to what she needs to be doing or what her situation is.

CLIENT: Well no, she's definitely not but is that the sense you're getting from what I'm saying?

THERAPIST: Yeah, what (unclear) is she like, in what sense that she knows? I mean I'm not saying she doesn't notice 37 and dating somebody unless she wants (unclear), but like maybe after a while she keeps saying, ‘oh well, it's going to happen -

CLIENT: (Cross talk) Exactly. I think it's more denial than obliviousness, because she knows she could be doing online dating. I asked her why the hell she doesn't because she's had bad experiences with it once. So I think that Franklin (sp?) is in denial.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Something's going to happen. I feel it this year.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: See you when you're 40.

THERAPIST: Right. And I guess that's like (unclear) from how afraid she is about it.

CLIENT: Exactly.

THERAPIST: And the fact that if she doesn't do anything about it, it's less likely she'll get what she wants. And also in what you said about – I mean in things like disembodied voices saying things like, ‘spend time alone. It's good to get to know yourself.' You sort of say that as though you're paying attention to it but it's not clear who it is or what it means or why it would help.

CLIENT: Yeah. Like why would it help to be single for an extensive period of time right now?

THERAPIST: And I'm (unclear) who's saying you should be. I mean –

CLIENT: People. I don't know. Like my friends. Like everybody. Stephanie, Lucas, Sergio. And that's it. That's three people that I talk to about it.

THERAPIST: Okay. All right. Well at least that's like –

CLIENT: Well, and Mandy a little bit, not in so many words, but just we've talked about how satisfied she is with her life being single and hanging out with friends all the time and you know, having lots to do all the time and not having to worry about a boyfriend. So she doesn't tell me you know –

THERAPIST: But you're telling me that's not what you want.

CLIENT: But I know that's not what I want. And I'm not like her. Like I don't like to go to tons of parties all the time and pub crawls and tons of people drinking on boats like – that's her thing, not mine.

(Pause): [00:28:06 00:28:14]

CLIENT: And I know very – I mean she's been single for a long time. She still sees her ex-boyfriend on and off so I think there's also that, you know? Like I think that she could say she's happy being single because she's not really.

THERAPIST: Not entirely.

CLIENT: Exactly.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

(Pause): [00:28:32 00:28:48]

THERAPIST: I think you were kind of frozen there and couldn't think or you were a bit, I get it – you hadn't been out there in a while. It's a new situation that I can imagine came out of nowhere.

CLIENT: No. I kind of figured that he would ask me out. Just because he was being flirtatious via text when he was talking about the car stuff and on the phone and whatever. Like when I told Stephanie, ‘hey, this car guy's like text-flirting with me,' she's like go on a date, who cares?' Like, ‘oh – nobody's asked me out on a date yet.' Let's not jump the gun. But then I was like, oh maybe I will.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But there was a little bit of a deer in the headlights kind of effect, regardless.

(Pause): [00:29:27 00:29:36]

THERAPIST: There's something about, some kind of – I don't mean denial, but some kind of connection from like something like what you are and how the situation actually feels or like you kind of, I guess it's kind of an illustration of too, is like ceding control like from sort of listening to somebody else, even if it doesn't quite make sense to you, or there is kind of not taking action yourself for you know, like –

(Pause): [00:30:10 00:30:48]

THERAPIST: It's related to, at least for you, finding someone you want to be with and with and sort of (unclear) will it really work?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Maybe that's part of it. I mean I know you're (unclear) but you're also afraid of not meeting the right person. You are meeting somebody and it not go well, and you're not knowing it.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That's what just happened.

CLIENT: Exactly. That's a huge fear for me.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Like wait. Does this suck? Like, I don't know. Like I don't think it does. Like I don't know.

THERAPIST: (Cross talk) (Unclear) what comes up, like oh, you'll get to know yourself, which like seems sort of abstract and weird but at the same time and I'm not saying I advocate that position, I'm just saying like –

(Pause): [00:31:52 00:32:02]

THERAPIST: Not only being single, but I think that's precisely what you're afraid of – not knowing yourself well enough when you –

CLIENT: Yeah, that's true.

THERAPIST: When you're in your next relationship. Again, I'm not trying to say, so therefore what you should do is not be with anybody until some –

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Someone comes along and waves a wand and (unclear).

CLIENT: Right. But I guess that is my question. That's what I'm like nervous about is the fact that I do – there are some things, something is missing that is going to lead me to really know myself well enough to – I mean there's yeah, you know, exactly.

(Pause): [00:32:39 00:32:50]

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's hard to get in touch with what that is.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: We're going to stop.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Great. So I'll see you next week.

THERAPIST: Okay. All right.

CLIENT: Thank you. Have a good weekend.

THERAPIST: Go to the beach in the car.

CLIENT: Thanks, I will. (inaudible). See you.

THERAPIST: All right.

END TRANSCRIPT