TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Okay, I have a lot to say and only a little time to say it. Which is not any different than usual. But, okay. First I want to comment on this Sergio thing that happened on Friday. So finally at like 5:45 he's like so does 8 work for you? And I was like 'eh I made other plan, like I don't want to see each other anymore.' Then he called me selfish and said that he had been excited for this, that he had a really rough week and wanted to talk to me and just wanted it to be a surprise. Blah, blah, blah. We like went back and forth like an hour on text until finally he was like, we should talk about this in person. Like, why are we going back and forth? It was all stupid bullshit and he was being manipulative, like I could easily see that and I've learned manipulative from Franklin. So anyway.

Finally I agreed to just go grab a burger and fries with him. So we went out to do that and it was fine. We talked it out a little bit. You know, he's like I really like seeing you. I want to see you. I'm not trying to like dupe you, whatever. So then it was like, 'who knows.' My perspective is skewed on like trusting men right now so I don't know maybe. So we had a fine time, whatever. Okay. We have a home inspection tomorrow; I'm nervous, blah, blah, blah. He says, you know. So the next day I go to the beach with Stephanie and Lucy

THERAPIST: He's a home inspector?

CLIENT: He buys, like he's in real estate that's his business. He owns a bunch of buildings and rents them out and then he just bought a house recently and he's selling it. He sold it and blah, blah, blah. So I am like, let me not be like selfish, because maybe I was. So I text him like, 'hey, how'd your home inspection go?' And he's like, 'it went really well. Everything was good and I was like, 'great. I'm glad to hear it.' And he's like, 'thanks, Trina.' Doesn't ask me how I am, doesn't ask me how my day was. So I'm like, 'actually yeah, like stop trying to convince me that you're' so I'm planning on not texting him today. I'd rather call me selfish than literally I do the most unselfish thing, asking how his shit went that you were nervous about. And you don't say one word about, hope you have a great day like, what are you up to? How's your whatever. So that's so I'm going to say, 'please don't try to convince me that I want to see you, because I really don't.' And I like consider being like, 'eh, the sex isn't really that good, so you can stop like saying like, 'oh, we have such good chemistry.'

But I feel like maybe that's unnecessary. I mean I'd still have the last laugh with that. But anyway, okay moving on. So I had a great day at the beach on Saturday with Stephanie and Lucy and Stephanie's aunt and uncle and cousins were there and I hadn't seen them in forever and it was a beautiful day gorgeous, great.

THERAPIST: What is it? You mentioned a few times what is not so great about the sex? CLIENT: Honestly? Like I think he's too small. And so I just don't I'm not that into it and I think that after Franklin who was bigger, it especially wasn't that great, then when I was only sleeping with Sergio for a little while it was oh, maybe it's not that bad, but it's like, man, you know, I'm just not that into it. I guess it's not that there for me, totally. So I just sex is really important to me in a relationship and like Stephanie can deal with mediocre sex, I could not. Like I can't. So that's what it is.

THERAPIST: So, mostly it is his size?

CLIENT: Yeah. And like I don't like the way he kisses. It's like too much tongue or like it's too much, like blah, like get away from me. That's how it is. Like, okay stop. Like too much. And maybe if I liked him a little better the mediocre sex wouldn't be as big of a deal because I would like him better.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And so I'd be more into it because I'm into him.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But because I'm not, it's like not good.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So anyway. Okay, Saturday then I go Saturday night, right, moving on and I'd really like to move on from that whole scenario because I have a lot that's gone on in the last few days. We go to the (unclear) house on Saturday night to watch the hockey game. I'm still not smoking. Everybody there is smoking. So I proceed to like sit there with a straw in my little vodka drink and then was like hammered. I mean not like falling over like blackout drunk hammered, but like hammered enough to be like we need to order like two pizzas to eat like five slices before I go to bed. And I had my car there so they let me crash on their couch and Lucas's sister was there and Stephanie slept in Aiden's bed obviously. Lucas's sister got in Lucas's bed. I got the couch and Lucas slept on the floor in the living room and it was so frigging uncomfortable for me.

And then I like had to be at brunch at 9 for Father's Day so I like left at 7 because like I had a headache, I was hot, I had heartburn and Lucas I felt bad that he was on the floor. So, we go to brunch. Brunch is very nice it was breakfast. Who has brunch at 9? It was breakfast. It was nice. My brother went. It was good. I then went to my mom's house because she asked for my help like with a bunch of stuff that she felt overwhelmed with and I had no idea the extent of how bad the situation had gotten with clothes not being hung up or folded in her closet, tons of clothes she needed to give to Goodwill. Tons of returns that she ordered online that she needed to do. And I was happy to help her. I just didn't realize the extent of it.

And so we had a bunch of like screaming matches during this thing because I was like getting stressed out and Michael, of course, comes home with me and proceeds to go immediately into his room to smoke a fucking take a nap. I was like, 'fuck you. I was hung over too this morning like I'm fucking and you live here. Like why the fuck did it get this bad you fucking jerk?' So that's why I was like then I was taking it out on my mom a little. I was happy to help her, but I think it also made me feel panicked about like her age and the fact that she's not able to do all this because physically she couldn't really lift all these bags or she never would have been able to do all this stuff by herself ever. And then I was pissed at my brother because he fucking lives there and I didn't know this was going on. I had no idea. I mean her room was filled with piles. Who wants to live no wonder she's so fucking depressed all the time.

So I help her you know Bed, Bath and Beyond when you go by pillows or something and they give you a big plastic bag to carry them in? Like, seven of those bags filled with clothing and tablecloths and shoes and shit that had been taking up space in her closet and her whole bed was covered and all her nicest clothes that she wears that weren't hung up. And then she was like, 'I need you for moral support while I fold and hang.' That's when I kind of was like, 'I can't. Michael needs to be here for moral support while you do that because I've just done all this stuff, packaged up like seven things to return to UPS and USPS and I was taking all of it and my back was hurting, like it went fine and we had yelled at each other and she made sure to call me and she said, 'I just want to thank you, like you really pushed me along. My room's so nice now. Everything's hung up and folded. It's beautiful. Thank you so much.'

Meanwhile, she had been like I kept being like, 'what the fuck? Michael needs to come in here and fucking help with this.' She's like, 'don't even bother. Don't. Like I can't even deal with it.' And I was like, 'well, I'll fucking deal with it.' So I'm banging on his door. Michael. Michael, you need to come help your fucking sister and your mother right now.' And he's like, 'so Trina,' like because he's napping or whatever, I'm sure that he wanted to just 'just give me five, ten, I just can't.' I kept banging and I could have just pushed the door open, but I was making a point, like get the fuck up out of your room. Help me right now. I was like, help me this second. I was not playing. And he got up like and my mother was like I can't believe that you just did that. And I was like, yeah, I don't know why the fuck you don't do this. And she's like, 'because it stresses me out.' And I was like, 'well, maybe if you did it more often then he'd help more often.'

And then of course he's coming and carrying bags to my car and doing all this and he's all outside, 'oh, I'm sorry, Trina. Thank you so much, like I don't know, like I (unclear). And I was like, so don't fucking start that. Like what the hell. You know, like I'm happy to come help, but why did it get this bad? You fucking live here. Help her. Like I don't know what the fuck you're doing. She's lonely and alone all the time and you shut yourself in your room depressed. Like, fuck you. I don't know what to tell you. So I was like tough loving which I haven't done in a while and he actually reacted good. You know like he's still depressed and a loser and went back in his room as soon as he got back in the house and didn't come back out again until I was begging again like I need more help. But he was like apologetic and saying things like, 'thank you so much,' like all this stuff, 'I suck, but.' I was like, I don't care if you suck. Just don't suck and (unclear) but it should be in this so then I bring the stuff to the Goodwill, like schlep it off to the Goodwill, have all the packages in my trunk. I went this morning early to the post office and to UPS and it's all done. I mean like stuff my mother hasn't done for six, seven, eight months. Two years. I don't know how long the pile has been in her room like that with clothes from fucking 20 years ago that she hasn't put on in 15.

So anyway, Lucas had called me and asked me if I wanted to go to sushi, which I did. And so I went and picked him up. I had him drive, which he was surprised about because he's like, I'm surprised you want anybody to drive your new car. And I was like, honestly, I just want to sit. So we went to this place in Sparta that's like all you can eat sushi, like or whatever. And it's actually very good. And it was nice and we started having a conversation. Oh no, here's what it was. I really, really wanted to smoke. And I was like, I know like I'm supposed to do this drug test and all this stuff, but I really want to smoke. And he's like -

THERAPIST: Oh wait. Drug test?

CLIENT: For the Franklin Investments job. That's why I stopped smoking. What, I didn't tell you this?

THERAPIST: Oh, right, the Franklin Investments job. I didn't know there was a drug test.

CLIENT: Yeah, they might have a drug test, I decided to stop smoking. So I've not smoked so I haven't smoked in (cross talk).

THERAPIST: You mentioned that Franklin Investments the (unclear) but I didn't know you (cross talk).

CLIENT: Ah.

THERAPIST: (inaudible).

CLIENT: Right, right. Okay, fine. But anyway, so I smoked. Then like after dinner we decided to take a drive and get lost and we started having a conversation because now I'm all high and I haven't been high in a while and getting all introspective and stuff. And I was like we had a long conversation. He understands me very well. He comes from a similar background in terms of divorce and his mother had a drinking and alcohol problem and so he kind of gets me on a level that some other people don't and we've had a lot of conversations about it. And have kind of craziness in different ways but like similar anxieties and whatever and darkness. So I started okay, I don't like want to explain the whole conversation because it was just a lot of talking. But I basically told him that in the last couple of days and I didn't know if was because it was summer or because I had my new car or what, but I started thinking that maybe it's not that bad, maybe I don't want to leave. Maybe I have this new all-wheel drive car. Maybe, maybe, maybe. And I kind of pushed that out of my own head, but then when we were talking he was like, you have this like plan laid out like I want to help. I want a husband. I want kids. I want blah, you know. But you don't really know where you're going. You don't know where you're going to be. And then he says to me, and then I was like, yeah, I know because this and that. And he says to me, okay, so fine, let's say you do have this plan. Where do you see this plan happening? And I was like, Providence. And he was like, 'so what the fuck? Why are you?' And then he said, honestly, do you want to know my truth and I'm not saying this to like be an asshole. Like, your parents are old, your grandmother's really old, your whole family is here. Don't be selfish. And he didn't mean it in like a 'don't be selfish and do what's best for you' kind of thing. But like what are the implications of my moving away? And like I know that my parents would never say that to me, but there are implications in my moving away. You know, this whole thing with yesterday with my mom and Michael like I kind of hold the family together in terms of being the sane one. I know that's like relative, but and then I, and you know, to be honest -

THERAPIST: (inaudible).

CLIENT: Right. And then there's Nora and the girls and my goddaughter and like and what if I'm like, what if I go down there and I meet somebody and they want me to stay. I don't want to stay and then it becomes a thing. What if I do want to stay and then I miss my and then it's all fucked up because I don't really want to be somewhere else when I have kids. What if I don't meet anybody? Then I get back here where I want to be with somebody and say, fuck there's goes another three years. And then I kept saying no. I didn't miss the time in my life when I should do this. But I kind of did. Like impersonally.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: I kind of am starting to feel this, no this is not three years ago when I could have gone there and had an experience and then come back and been like -

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And so all this happened with Lucas and like I'm high in the car and like high in the conversation and it was actually really helpful because it was not like he was convincing me or like making it was like I was able to say what I'd been like keeping and anyway, and then he says to me and then I was like, 'well maybe it's just like my job that I just want a higher role, and it's like the place where I live. Like I don't want to live there anymore.' And he said, 'that's one thing that since your break up I have not understood. I don't understand why you're still in that apartment. And I explained it' so cheap and this and that and my roommate, da, da, da, da, da. And he's like, okay, I've got all of that but why haven't you moved? Like this is a big issue for you.

And he's absolutely right. I fucking hate that apartment. I hate living in Waltham. Not because of like Waltham but because it's Franklin and his family. I just don't want to fucking live there anymore. I want to move back to Belmont. And I can't afford it and it's this whole big thing. So I'm having this huge revelation that's kind of fucking with me and I was like, and my mom, I called her this morning like crying about it and she was like, you know, I've gotten into this whole you moving to Houston thing in a real positive way, you know, and I'm into it and I'm with you but some of the things that you're saying to me now are things that I've already thought of. You know, I'm worried about this being a big transition and maybe you don't need that big of a transition. Maybe it's that you need to change apartments and work towards getting a better job.

And that was the other thing I talked about with Lucas. He was like, why only Houston by the way? Why not other places? It was like, are there other schools? And I was like, and I stopped and was like, I literally work for the best school in the world. And he's like, right. So another what the fuck. So that's another one for you. So this is all very new, but I'm kind of changing my mind. Like I don't know if that's okay. And now like my job knows and like I've been all on this whole thing and then Stephanie said, well you're at least going to and I started to tell her about it and she said, 'well you're at least going to have the second interview.' And I was like, yeah, I wouldn't not have the second interview if they offered me one but to be honest, unless they're like going to offer me like $70,000 a year like I don't think that I will take it no matter what. And you know, it's cool and Houston and I'll meet new people and you know and I'll join meet up groups but I can fucking do that here. Like yes I said it sucks here, but I don't really know that it sucks here. I think it sucks where I live. I think it sucks with the same route to work that I've been taking for the last three years with Franklin in my life. I think it would be a huge transition for my cats, too, moving to Houston. It's a different climate. I don't know if I want to take them on that long trip. What if it fucks them up permanently?

So like all this stuff, but like with all this stuff and all these new anxieties, I feel less anxious already. Like thinking about trying to move here even if like I'd have to figure out money and like Glenda even said to Jane when she said it was okay to interview, is there any way we can keep her? I'll say, yeah, you can. Give me more money. And they probably will. And then maybe I can be there and wait to find another job at MIT. Like, maybe it's not that bad. I have an all-wheel drive car now like winter is not going to be as bad. And if I'm in a different apartment it's also like everything's not maybe as bad. It's not only the apartment. It's not only the it's both the apartment and the So that's where I'm at right now.

CLIENT: But even with all this and worried about rents in Providence and this and that I feel like it's more doable. Meanwhile, my father is buying the condo above him. He lives in a two-family house and they have the first floor condo and there's a second floor condo. She's selling they're buying. Rental.

THERAPIST: Gotcha.

CLIENT: But then it crossed my mind as soon as I had this thought maybe we can work something out.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And I mean, but like would I really want to live above my dad? I don't know because what if it's like uncomfortable bringing home (unclear).

THERAPIST: Where is it?

CLIENT: In You know the corner where the Mobil is?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's that.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I know where it is.

CLIENT: Real nice. Real convenient. (Unclear). Anyway, they could probably charge $2500 a month for that place and I could probably pay $1300 to $1500 with their help. (Laughs) And that's the other thing. I don't know what's going to happen. I think that my father will support me moving. I don't know if he would support me rent, like my rent. But I really hate having a roommate. I hate every roommate. I want to move back to Dupont. I don't know. I think it's just that I want to move. I think I hate my apartment. But then I thought about it and like I'm going to miss everybody too much. And like my parents are old and not because they're going to die but because I want to spend time with them and I want to be able to help my mom so that this stuff doesn't pile up. And I want to be there to go to my brother's stuff that he has going on and I want to be able to go see my grandma quickly if I need to because she's sick in the hospital and might die immediately. I want to be able to go to every birthday party of my goddaughter and her older sister and like this all stuff that I would really miss and would be really lonely. And this is a weird feeling because it's completely opposite of what I've been thinking I needed. But I feel much better about this need of being here but in a different place and starting my life because that's the other thing. It's my city. Like why should I move just because Franklin like fucked me up? (Crying) Like I don't want to just move because of that and like it's not years ago when I was 25 and had a little bit more flexibility at time to do stuff I wanted to. I work for a really good school. I have a really good job where they really respect me. Like (crying) I don't want to move just because of a stupid, fucking break up. Like why should like really put me in a place where I might be more unhappy. Like okay, I've never lived anywhere else, like big whup this is where I'm from. Like a lot of people have never lived anywhere else, like and I think that's fine. I don't know why I'm putting so much pressure on myself that it isn't fine, that I need to live somewhere else.

(Pause): [00:19:26 00:19:39]

CLIENT: I'm like, I don't mind living in Waltham, but really the reason is because I, we wanted a cheaper apartment and you know, whatever, but really I liked living in Dupont a lot better and a lot more of my life is over on that side anyway. You know, Stephanie's over there, Mom's over there, Dad's over there.

(Pause): [00:20:00 00:20:07]

CLIENT: I mean, yes, it's convenient for work, living in Waltham. I mean, yeah. But like okay, I can live in Arlington maybe then. Or just live in Dupont and who cares if I have to take two trains, big whup, you know?

(Pause): [00:20:24 00:20:33]

CLIENT: And these are the kinds of things where I'm like, 'am I bipolar?' Like is that bipolar to change your mind like that on something?

THERAPIST: I don't think you're bipolar.

CLIENT: (inaudible).

(Pause): [00:20:56 00:21:20]

THERAPIST: I do think -

(Pause): [00:21:20 00:22:09]

THERAPIST: I do think you do sort of make a case -

CLIENT: For staying.

THERAPIST: For staying, yeah, where you had been making a case -

CLIENT: For leaving.

THERAPIST: For leaving, and -

CLIENT: I feel like my case for staying is much stronger, though.

THERAPIST: But you also worry that you're bipolar because you felt so strongly about one and then the other. I think that's a little disturbing to you. And so I think you're kind of struggling in terms of making a case for one or the other and want to sort of show me that you know what you're doing.

CLIENT: Well everybody. But I don't. I'm in such limbo, not at the time of this conversation with Lucas last night. He was basically like, you don't know what you're doing.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Like you don't have to prove to anybody that you do know what you're doing either.

THERAPIST: I think you feel -

CLIENT: I feel I do.

THERAPIST: You do.

CLIENT: Oh, absolutely.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and I think it's related to having to feel independent.

CLIENT: I think it's certainly having, feeling like this relationship with Franklin was such a huge mistake that I really want to be like not making the right choice like I know I making or something like, there's something around there, too, I feel like.

THERAPIST: Well, yeah, I think you felt really dependent on him and you feel really ashamed of it. I think the situation you describe with your mother over the weekend probably captures it pretty well. You said something like, 'it seemed pitiful.' That she was really a mess. She really couldn't take care of herself and her stuff was it sounded like a disaster, (unclear). I think that sort of is a picture of what somebody who isn't independent is like for you. And I think, clearly, you feel a lot of compassion for her but I think you feel that would be totally shameful when it's you in any way, or when it feels anything like that for you. If that makes sense. And I imagine one aspect, it would be a mistake to move to Houston, but I imagine one aspect of it that is kind of doubling down on showing you don't need Franklin, you know, but -

CLIENT: Exactly.

THERAPIST: You don't need him and you don't need anyone else that you know.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Again, that's not to say moving there is a bad idea. I'm just saying I think that's one -

CLIENT: And I don't think it's a bad idea either. I just kind of am thinking that it's not the best idea for me, now. And I think I would be fine either way. I mean I know I would. I feel confident about that. But I feel like I'll be better if I just stay.

THERAPIST: Well, so there it is again, right? To be fine either way, you'll be fine. Let's make it clear.

CLIENT: (Laughs) Right.

THERAPIST: You'll be standing on your own two feet. You'll be managing for yourself. Either way it'll be okay. You're not going to fall apart.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Make sure everybody knows that. And you're pretty sure you know which way you want to go.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: So you're decisive.

CLIENT: (Laughs) Exactly.

THERAPIST: You're not passive and uncertain. Or (unclear). [00:26:23]

CLIENT: (Laughs) No not at all.

THERAPIST: Let's just be clear.

CLIENT: Right. But at the same time I feel much better about the idea of a transition like looking for a new apartment here in Providence, than I do about transitioning to a different state and a different job and a different life. And I feel much better about this new idea now.

(Pause): [00:26:52 00:27:00]

CLIENT: And it's a strange sensation after the last eight months of feeling of having gone from having gone from having made the decision. But I mean at the same time yeah, of course this has been one of the most transitional difficult years of my entire life. And so I'm not faulting myself. I think I am a little, but I don't want to fault myself and I don't think it's fair and my mom said that also don't fault yourself. And Lucas also had that opinion and you know, for changing my mind, which it feels like I'm doing. Like it's a much more relaxing feeling to think about the idea of now just finding a job at MIT that's higher up and that it can be more of a marathon, not a race kind of thing because I'm here and I have a job. I'm in a new apartment. I'm getting a raise either way because I had my (unclear) review. So I'm getting that raise. And I think I can probably say, you know, I'd like a little more money because I'd like stay here longer and I think they'll give it to me. They want to keep me there. I mean Glenda had said to Jane, what can we do to keep her here when Jane told her I had an interview.

THERAPIST: Glenda's Jane's boss?

CLIENT: Yeah. Hannah (sp?), also my director, I mean they both said that kind of 'do you think there's anything you can do to convince her to stay?' Yeah yeah, there is. Give me a little more money so I can find a better job at MIT in a year, maybe, or six months or whatever, you know? And still help you guys out if you need when I transition and be around and help train the new person, you know the whole thing. And that idea now also feels good to me and I think that honestly if I do get a ride to work it's changing my ride to work, whatever the case may be and I think that I'll feel better about work. A lot of my issues are like I'm so sick of fucking leaving this apartment and driving or taking the train this way and then coming back here and walking on Waltham with disgusting crack heads and people shitting in alleys, like that's a lot of it. And yeah, I'm bored at my job, but if I have a little more money and an understanding that they know I want to grow and have a new position eventually, I think it will feel a lot better. I had a great review with Melody (sp?) and so I feel like things are going to be better with that relationship and that position. Jez, man, I don't know.

Now then there's the issue of rent here you know, in that one bedroom apartment in a desirable area is expensive and how am I going to address that? And getting a little bit of a raise will help. But I'm a little afraid of my father saying, 'you'll need to have a roommate. Even if you want to move, that's fine, but you'll still need to have a roommate but look at what I got this time. Yeah, it could be better. It could be a lot worse, though, than Mindy. Like if you think about it, it could be a lot worse. And I don't really want to know how worse it can be. I mean and unfortunately I don't have friends that -

THERAPIST: So in talking to him, are you talking to him a little bit because it started to sound like -?

CLIENT: My dad?

THERAPIST: I wondered that before you mentioned him. I mean (cross talk).

CLIENT: Yeah because I (cross talk) for sure. I know why I don't want to live with anybody and why I should maybe have some help from my dad if that's the case or maybe he should help me invest in a condo or maybe let me live in the investment he just made and take care of it for a while until I'm on my feet a little more. I mean, those make sense to me. I don't know if. I don't know how my dad will react especially with a new car and blah, blah, blah. (Pause) But also it means that I'm not in Houston where he's probably going to help me a little financially anyway. And I'm here so I can help him more and will be more willing to if he really is helping me like have a happier life. Sure, I'll come and fucking go to that museum with you and (laughs). You know. Or if it will you know, stuff like that. Or come and help you rake the lawn or shovel snow, or (Pause) I honestly, to tell you the truth, think he will be a little bit happy and relieved that I want to stay here. I mean also the other issue of his relationship with my uncle and my grandmother being old,

THERAPIST: Okay. That's part of what it is, I think. (Pause) I think it was helpful talking to Lucas, but I think you're now, I think probably (unclear) kind of worried about doing here is like I don't think this is really a conversation.; I think you're really sort of telling me as though you've made a decision, I mean, in some respects I can see you haven't, but talking as though you have and like explaining why it' the right one which is a little more like a negotiation or an argument. I don't mean like (unclear) but it has more of that tone than being as though you're actually trying to figure out what you want. And maybe that's how things between you and your dad are often times. It does not sound like the other day with Lucas in the car It sounds like you are actually like it was okay that you were confused and upset and sort of having this new idea about what you wanted and were trying to (unclear) into that, in a way. But now you seem a little more sort of closed down around what you think you should do and it seems like it's as though you expect and I think you do probably not like intellectually, but sort of emotionally, you expect some push back from me. Like hold on I've got a spreadsheet and you know, you mentioned staying here, you mentioned the one bedroom, yes, your raise will be x-percent and if you think about that over (unclear) a year and say you want to live in Dupont or Arlington where rents are like that.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: I mean, obviously, (inaudible).

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: But that feels much more like the kind of conversation you're involved in with me. And preliminary to that to do with like sorting out for yourself I mean that is not about in a way figuring out for yourself what you want to do. It sort of is, but the way you go about that is through -

CLIENT: Right. Which is talking about everything, you know? But, honestly, I really think that like that this is my decision. Like I don't think I want to move.

THERAPIST: I see. So you feel like you're pretty decided.

CLIENT: Yep. Like and I feel like I'm doubting myself that I've decided because how could I flip that quick? How could I flip the switch that quick? From like this huge desire to move and all these reasons why. And all the work I've put in to doing that. And all the jobs and everything. It's too fast. You have to think about it a little bit more. But I don't think I do. Maybe that's how I felt more about Houston.

THERAPIST: Again, that's what you seem to then be hearing me say is like -

CLIENT: Think about it more?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Which is interesting because in a way that's a sort of variation on being like your dad.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I'm not arguing the dollars and cents of your decision or whether you can make it work or not. I'm arguing about like, you actually haven't thought this out carefully. It hasn't been that long. You've been you've flip-flopped pretty quickly here so really what you need is to think about it more.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: So that's what you're hearing me say.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That's not what I'm saying.

CLIENT: Okay.

(Pause): [00:36:52 [00:37:08]

THERAPIST: If you're sure you're sure of the reason it seemed to me otherwise as you said at the beginning, does this mean I'm bipolar?

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Which I know you probably felt was not that plausible, but which did and you felt like you flipped very quickly as though you lack a sort of confidence in this decision at this point.

CLIENT: Or that maybe I'm afraid is why I make wrong decisions.

THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes]. So no, I'm not actually telling you you need to think about this more. That's your call to make.

CLIENT: (inaudible).

THERAPIST: What I'm saying is that you kind of set it up like I'm going to be pushing back or telling you or -

CLIENT: Questioning.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Exactly. That's right.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I did think that.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Well, why's that, Trina? Like what the hell?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You're sitting in here like preparing me to litigate the client and you're going to move and all this stuff. And that's what I kind of thought. And then all of a sudden, like so why? What's up with that, you know? I also knew like my mom was right. Like she said I'm awfully glad you're going to see your doctor tomorrow. This is perfect timing. Because I also knew, like I thought maybe you'd question it, but I also knew you would be supportive and understanding why I would change my mind. That makes sense in terms of what we've been talking about for however long I've been seeing you.

(Pause): [00:38:45 00:39:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean you know, you need what you need to do. I'm interested in like kind of who you're arguing with or how you're setting this up or like if it feels to you like in a way I'm going to be like, 'what the hell, you've been talking about moving and (unclear) and now you're staying. Like, jez, Trina, come on.' That person is a harder person to actually have a sort of conversation with about everything you're thinking and feeling to do with this. You know?

CLIENT: Um hmm [yes].

THERAPIST: Like that's somebody who is pushing back on you.

CLIENT: You know what? It's what Franklin would do.

THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].

(Pause): [00:40:04 [00:40:10]

CLIENT: And I think that's a big -

THERAPIST: That's something. There's something there.

CLIENT: Yeah. Being used to someone being critical of me changing my mind.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: However, it has implications on the other person.

THERAPIST: Right.

THERAPIST: No. If you think about something you're going to do that's going to make you happier, I think it's great.

(Pause): [00:40:43 00:40:50]

CLIENT: I'm interested in things that at times I think make it harder for you to get to that point, if that makes sense.

(Pause): [00:40:57 00:41:09]

CLIENT: Like I'm already like, I want to immediately start calling places and see if I can move like July 1st or August 1st like done. And like fucking figure it out that (inaudible). And to be honest the rents for a one bedroom in places I'd want to live in Houston are the same fucking price -$1500 (unclear). Maybe I don't have a pool here. But I can (inaudible). (Laughs)

(Pause): [00:41:37 00:41:44]

CLIENT: My mom's supportive of it. And I'm sure everybody else will be, too. I just have to I just have to it's just a matter of a little bit of logistical stuff, but no different from the logistical stuff if I were to get a job and move to Houston. Like I said, unless this job offers me a really, really huge amount of money, that would be a game changer and can allow me to (unclear) and the whole nine yards I just can't see it as worth it. It's no longer worth it to go for 5% more than what I get paid now, 10% even.

(Pause): [00:42:21 00:42:27]

CLIENT: I actually feel less crazy for like changing my mind about this then like the crazy I felt about the idea of moving to Houston that almost (unclear).

(Pause): [00:42:34 00:42:43]

CLIENT: I wonder what the percentage of women no, this is a dumb question, like that are my age that have roommates. Like huge, but I feel like people my age have had roommates that they have had for a long time now. And unless I (unclear).

THERAPIST: We should stop now.

CLIENT: Okay. But I'll see you Friday?

THERAPIST: Okay, right.

CLIENT: Okay. Thank you, have a great weekend.

THERAPIST: Take care.

END TRANSCRIPT