TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Is everything okay?

CLIENT: Yeah. I just I didn't go to work today, I called out sick. Like playing a little hooky I guess. But also thought I had a good excuse, because I actually injured my knee. So apparently I've got what's called runner's knee.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: And it's like I did too much too fast exercising after not exercising ever, and not like stretching properly. And then I did this drive with my mom.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And then I drove all the way back, like straight shot. Because we came back early because the weather was shitty, we were tired of like being in the mountains. I wanted to come home because I just would rather be home than in shitty weather somewhere else where I'm just with her. Like I'd rather hang out with my friends or get stuff done. And I'm worried about all this stuff, like I have a million returns to make. And she's wanting to stay, because she was like, "It's my only vacation time, and I hate my house, and Michael," and blah blah blah, so she doesn't want to be home. But then I won and we went home early. And so I'm sure that, you know, doing this drive with my leg in this one position. And her car was not comfortable to drive in. And for some reason—well, not for some reason, because it has like a tiny little nothing engine probably—but the front of the car is much shorter than mine. So where I'm used to being able to have my leg a little bit more extended, it was really more like this for like 17 hours. But I didn't realize it was angry [sic]. I thought— Anyway, and I went to the doctor and he did some exercises and was like, "Okay, this is it," and gave me one of those tubing things and gave me exercises to do and PT stuff, and ice it, and blah blah blah. But so it's been kind of like an intermittent pain the last few days. And I'm tense because I was really getting into the working out, like I was really—I mean, there's still other stuff that I can do, and some of the exercises are somewhat, you know, callisthenic in nature.

THERAPIST: Right. [2:10]

CLIENT: But anyway, so I just simply said, "Oh, I woke up and my knee was hurting worse than normal, I think the day off it will be good. Which is true. Like not having to go to work, and not having to sit in the desk all day and whatever.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So I was running late, so I'm sorry, because I [couldn't manage with them? 2:28], because I was—anyway, whatever. So the trip was— So the wedding wasn't bad, like as I thought. I knew some of the girls because I've known them when they were kids—you know, when I would go to hang out with them and blah blah blah. And so that was cool, and I ended up hanging out with people. And one of them, her husband didn't come, and so we ended up hanging out the whole night. And her step siblings, she has three of them, are really, really cool, and I knew them already. So it was fine and I was hanging out. I got drunk, and my mom was like, "I've never seen you drunk." And I was like, "Oh, great." But she was fine with it. She was like, "Oh, you were just repeating yourself a lot." Because like she went up early and I like hung out a little bit more. [3:20]

But mainly the reason I got as drunk as I did in terms of actually drunk—I wasn't like falling over or like blackout or anything of that nature, thank god—but was because the food was horrid, so I hardly ate. Because it was just so disgusting, this hotel was so unaccommodating. It looked like the hotel from "The Shining." It's in the middle of the mountains on this lake, all curvy roads. The restaurant they sent us to the night before the wedding was horrible. Like, they were like, "Oh, this is a nice dining on the lake with a [unclear 3:50]," or we just got the wrong thing, or I don't know what. And the weather was crappy. Finally the wedding, like right as the ceremony's going to happen it like gets hot and sunny, whatever. It's in this gazebo on the lake with the mountains in the background, very beautiful. We go on the little trolley over there, wait for like 20 minutes. My mom and I had brought fans that I had, and I'm sure everybody else was jealous, they're like fanning themselves with their programs. But it was like we were prepared, we were we don't know what to expect. [4:20]

But anyway, then they come and they do their little processional, and I don't know, an uncle or something is marrying them who's a judge. And they literally just—her aunt read like the shortest poem in the like meekest little voice I've ever heard, I couldn't even understand it, it was two seconds long. Then they literally only did the like, "Do you take this man, do you take this woman, sickness and in health, I do. [kissing sound]" Okay, and that was it. And it was like so uninspiring. We had schlepped on this trolley, we were waiting for 20 minutes in the heat, and then it was like, "Really? I could have written that myself." Well, so to speak. It was very uninspiring, and very not romantic. My mom thought it was sweet that his voice was like cracking a little bit when he was saying his vows, and that she was like giggling, blah blah blah. But they didn't really even like hold hands during it. I don't know, it was not my idea of what a wedding might be like. And I guess, they weren't—there was like a lot more personality to their vows and a lot more personality to their ceremony components, and it's longer and really nice, and they were really—you know, you could tell. This was just like, "Really?" It was very strange. And of course my mom's like, "We're the most judgmental people in the world." Because she was doing it too.

But then I also can't help myself, to critique every—it was horrible. They didn't have seltzer water, like at first when we first got back from the ceremony. It was very nice on this veranda with the pool, there was a gorgeous picture of me with the mountains in the background, beautiful. But they didn't have water even out yet. So my mom of course, being an alcoholic that doesn't drink, it's like—they're like, "Oh, no, sorry, we only have beer, wine and soda right now." She's like, "It's 90 degrees, we just came from a—like really, you don't have ice water?" And then they set up a water station. They didn't have seltzer water, which is weird. The appetizers were three pass options of like greasy must-have-been-frozen artificial crap that was gross, cubes of cheese with packaged crackers. And I don't know, it was just not a good—and they have money. I think they were just like, "Hey, we want this location." Because it's a lake where his parents have a house and all this stuff, right. They wanted the location. [6:45]

The night before we went to where they were having the rehearsal dinner and they had like a drink and dessert thing. Everybody was drunk that was in the wedding party because they had all been at the rehearsal dinner. So then we got there, we'd been driving for hours and we had this horrible dinner. It's like rainy, we're on dark curvy roads along the lake, like gonna fall in, in my mom's little piece of shit car. And everybody's drunk, it was not very fun. All the couples—remember when I was joking about like pink sweaters around shoulders and lobsters on—

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I like kind of was like really joking, like not thinking that—

THERAPIST: [Thought you might not offend? 7:20].

CLIENT: No, no, I was not. Like people—men in—couples wearing matching. Like one girl had this blue and white striped dress on, and her boyfriend had on kakis with a blue and white same blue color gingham. And then Daphne and her fiancé, Daphne's wearing like a seersucker dress and he was wearing a polo with pink like kakis. And it didn't stop. Like yellow shorts, blue—I mean—

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So this was really the [cut? 7:51], and I was laughing, my mom and I were laughing, because we had joked about this. And I was like, "Oh, not my style." [8:00]

THERAPIST: Right. They're inviting people in for [inaudible].

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. Like, "Wha!" I mean, so whatever. Overall the wedding was okay. Sleeping with my mom because of her snoring was horrible until Daphne's mother, who knows the problem because she's like best friends with my mom and my mom was like all nervous for Trina.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: It was like, "Oh my god, I don't know why I didn't think of it. I got a prescription for Ambien recently because I've been worried about all this wedding stuff that I couldn't sleep at night." She's like, "Well, let's see if it works." And I was like, "Yeah." So I took an Ambien and it worked like a charm. I mean, where like—like ear plugs don't work, I wake up constantly during the night and can't fall back asleep because of the noise and all this stuff, right. And my mom and I are like, "Oh my god, this is perfect. If we ever want to travel let's go to the doctor and say ‘I'm going for X amount of nights,' like explain what the issue is, and get some Ambien." I don't fear being addicted to it because I don't have trouble falling asleep ever, so I wouldn't be tempted to—I mean, if I'm going to do any drugs for sleeping it's weed, and I already do that so it's like whatever. Anyway. [9:00]

So she was pissed about getting back, I was kind of like sick of being with her already. I mean, last year with the trip like we had a buffer zone with the cousins and my aunt and all this stuff, and I was always like trying more to like get away from things because of Franklin and how I just found out about the girl and the whole thing. This year I was like, I'd rather be here, there's no buffer zone, the weather sucks. Like the wedding was anti-climactic in terms of what we might have expected. So I was a little tense I think. And she's all upset about Michael.

Oh, and she shows me Michael's room before we leave, which is the most disgusting I've ever seen in my life, worse than Rachel's room. Dishes all over the place, dirty bags of take out, smells like rotting food. So I called him, like yelled at him, told him I can't live with him. And then he like told me, like he promises he's going to change. And I said, "Then why aren't you doing it now? What are you, trying to squeeze in the last couple months of absolutely horrid eating? No, you should be training yourself to live otherwise. Like if you're not going to do it here you're not going to do it with me." And I was like, "You need to not be smoking in that room, you need to be smoking weed less, you need to be doing all the things that you would be doing at this new place in order to prepare yourself to not have to go cold turkey. Like you're an addict to every aspect of your life," in terms of like how he lives. Like you can't just go from this to that and expect to like—I don't know, I'm afraid he'll fail more, you know. [10:30]

And so we're like moving forward with it, but I'm really nervous, and my dad like hasn't really talked to me. Then he calls my mom when we're on the way up and tells her he might help Michael get a van so that he can be more independent and take on more dog walking jobs. And I was like, "What? I'm sorry, you're going to buy him a car? But you can't at least even just pay the down payment? Like you're going to take that from the money from my gram?" I was so heated when I heard about that. And he didn't even ask to talk to me, just, "Oh, is she feeling more enthusiastic about the wedding?" More like, "Is she behaving?" And he like texted a couple times, he called me, I called him, we missed each other and he hasn't tried to call me since. Like he just kind of like forgets it if I don't pursue. So that's kind of what's been going on since I've been back. Being back at work is fine, I'm getting busier now that the summer's going to come to a close soon and I'm back from this vacation, whatever. So that's good, I have plenty to do there. [11:30]

THERAPIST: I… [pause] There's a lot in what you've said.

CLIENT: I know, I'm sorry, I'm like going fast because there was a lot to cover.

THERAPIST: It's okay. In some ways I'm inclined to say you seem—perhaps at least in here, but I think not. What I want to hear is about you're addicted to like criticism and being critical. And then I guess partly I put it that way because, you know, there's a sense often with other addiction of obviously people like in many things they can distance themselves or not have to deal with or sort of put a show around like between themselves and their lives.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And it feels like that [overtalk].

CLIENT: That I'm using criticism, like criticizing other people? Or perceiving?

THERAPIST: No, no, criticizing other people.

CLIENT: Uh huh.

THERAPIST: And other things.

CLIENT: Like it makes me feel—wait, what do you mean? Like it—

THERAPIST: Well, even the wedding. At least the way you talk about it in here as your being critical of the various aspects of it. I'm not saying you're wrong in what you're saying about that, but it sort of precludes getting into other things about what it was like. You know? I mean, I imagine there were—you were worried about being sad. You're worried about being alone it sounds like. You didn't quite—you didn't start off actually this way, you started off sort of a little more openly about it, you know, like, "Hm, it was better than I thought, there were people to hang around with, it's good, that part was good."

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: "Yeah, yeah, I got [drunk fast? 13:38], but like my mother was okay with it, it didn't become a problem." You know, then you went sort of—you moved pretty quickly into like trashing the wedding, for the food and like the water and blah blah blah. And it doesn't feel like it—I don't know whether this is the way you're talking about it in here with me, or the way it was at the time, or both. [14:00]

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: But at least as far as talking about it with me which I can see first hand, that just sort of precludes other things you might have felt or you actually may have had to being there. I mean, it was a lovely setting, there was something that seemed romantic about it, even though in this kind of like cloying, vomitous way, people were really couply. Which I imagine like, you know, in some ways kind of cute, in some ways is clearly nauseating. But the nauseating part, that gets in the way of the like and it was also sad.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Or, you know, actually it was kind of like nice in a way because people can be happier. I don't know what it was. But I don't know because it was just nauseating. And I'm not saying it wasn't nauseating, but there seem like trends where things become nauseating in particular, I think in part so they're now something else.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Or so that whatever other [act?] you're having for them get kind of—

CLIENT: No, yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: No, I think there's a lot of truth to that.

THERAPIST: And… [pause] Yeah, I mean the sort of immediate first-hand thing I see about it is the way that it precludes getting more into some of what it was like if you [unclear 15:26] with me.

CLIENT: Mm hm. Do you want to know really what it was like, like in terms of that other stuff?

THERAPIST: Um…

CLIENT: Or are you not sure that I like know?

THERAPIST: No, my interest is really in like what makes it uncomfortable—what makes that a more comfortable way of going about it than talking about other aspects of it. And I… yeah, I thought I'd forgot. But anyway that's my interest. I'm not saying I'm not interested to know—

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: —but it's not that I have like a particular [unclear 16:13] about this, so much as that—

CLIENT: Right. Well, I think it feels a lot—

THERAPIST: Here's what I'm going to say, sorry.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: It also makes me wonder, although I don't know, whether if it feels like—I mean, [unclear 16:27] therapy session. You know, like I [unclear] have a fucking thing to say, and you [unclear] all this stuff, and like, you know, what the hell,

CLIENT: Right, right, right. No, no, no, this is helpful.

THERAPIST: And so again where like, you know, it sort of could be the criticism against criticism thing.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: [inarticulate 16:46] what am I going to say, like it just sounds like it sucks for you. And then, you know, [unclear] this, in part because we're able to think about whatever else.

CLIENT: Well, I mean, I think that the whole focusing more on—it feels a lot less self-critical to talk about, you know, that's like, "Idiot." They couldn't pick up any with all this money they've got, you know. And like, "Ugh, the food! Oh, I would have done this so much differently. Oh, they should have done—" feels more productive I guess then like saying like that it was like, "Eh, there were so many couples," and it just is like [unclear 17:28] already, like enough with the couples. And like the only single guys, like her step brother, who's a very nice funny guy, but like bald and like overweight and not attractive and like not interested, and that's the only single guy. And so it somehow feels a lot less self-critical to talk about the other things that sucked about it. It was like, "Oh my god, look at their vows." Like, "I would do it so much differently."

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Like, "I would be so much more sincere," you know, whatever. That feels better than like, "Eh." It just reminded me that I'm still single and I'm still looking and this is not something that I'm really that close to right now, like a wedding and people talking about us as a couple, and like toasts and whatever. That feels more like self-deprecating. Because then—

THERAPIST: You just get kind of mired in that and—

CLIENT: Yeah, because I think that then I think get into the kind of thought process of, you know, woe is me, I'm always gonna be alone, like what if I never find anything, like what the hell, how come I always choose the wrong people, how do these people choose. And so I can then spiral if I think about that stuff. Which then—well, I mean, which then ended up happening kind of like in the last couple days. Because I didn't see Stephanie like at all before I left hardly.

THERAPIST: That's kind of [unclear 18:48].

CLIENT: Exactly. Right.

THERAPIST: And you're [unclear].

CLIENT: Right. Because I've been feeling so much better. I've been exercising, and like that's free. [19:00]

THERAPIST: [unclear], I mean that's—

CLIENT: But then I like, my knee is injured, I'm not supposed to do squats, I was doing this 30-day squat challenge that I was super into. Like I can't do Zumba right now, like all this stuff.

THERAPIST: I noticed you're not doing—

CLIENT: You know, and then he was like—he's like, "Talk to me." And he's like, "And how old are you?" Oh yeah, and then like, "You shouldn't be doing this, you shouldn't be doing this." And I was like, "Oh, okay." So you're basically saying I can't exercise.

THERAPIST: [unclear], yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah, like I can't exercise like I'm 15? Like, oh. You know. And then Stephanie has been really quite busy with Aiden and doing stuff with him, and asking my recommendation if she should go to this hotel or that hotel for the weekend they're planning next weekend, and hasn't really told me about her birthday party yet that I missed that I was really sad to miss and didn't go to. And told me we had plans tonight, then says, "Oh no, wait, I have this plan to go with Aiden to meet his family, and I don't know what time I'll be back Friday night." And, "Oh, Saturday—" I had said to her earlier in the week, "Oh, Saturday beach?" And she was like, "Oh, I don't know why I told you yes, I'm doing errands all day, like I don't know." And then Saturday night, like Phil's birthday party with Aiden. So that, plus the injury and not being able to work out anymore, and I was just like, "Really?" And then my brother being in a—

THERAPIST: Right. [20:20]

CLIENT: So then it like kind of happened anyway.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And on top of that—sorry, I just want to say—

THERAPIST: Go ahead.

CLIENT: —my mother's weight is really upsetting, and—

THERAPIST: She's [unclear].

CLIENT: Yeah. And I just don't understand. She didn't really even follow my lead in terms of eating kind of more similarly to how I was eating in terms of solid portions and less and all of that. She still is eating considerably more than me for no reason other than she's on vacation. And I'm like, "So am I, but so? You can still enjoy stuff and not go overboard." And it's really upsetting, and she doesn't seem to care, and she's all depressed about her house, and blah blah blah, and her life. And she's all upset about my father and me, like the way he's treating me. So anyway, that was another thing that added [unclear 21:14], then I was already [unclear] with her from spending five days with her, and her weight, and she doesn't seem to care, and she doesn't seem to want to really make an effort to [unclear]. I mean, she's the biggest person her age at that weight, or at all. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So what the hell. If that wasn't inspiring. And there were a lot of people in her age range. [pause] You know, and I'm feeling nervous about finances with Michael and—

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And I haven't heard anything about this money I'm supposed to maybe get from my grandmother, and my dad hasn't even called me about my offer to go to Chicago with him. He hasn't told me—I mean—but at the same time he's going to help—and then tells Michael to ask me to help him find a van. "Oh, ask Trina, she's really good at this, she helped me when I was buying my car." [23:00]

THERAPIST: [pause] I imagine you feel in a way here like kind of identified with your mother with her weight, not because of your weight but—I mean the sort of—I have a sense as you're talking that—I'm not saying you'd want to do this, but the feeling is as though you have so much stuff you could say you could sit here for six hours.

CLIENT: Like what?

THERAPIST: Sit here for six hours.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And talk and talk and talk about all the things that you're frustrated about and happened and they're upsetting. You're either sort of critical and angry about it or sad about it to yourself, what you're stuck in, or worrying about—I guess that's the part between your mother, like you feeling as though it's like all jammed into you, like well, wait, wait, wait, [unclear 24:15].

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and [unclear].

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Yeah. And you went away like you only got close to her like times where squeeze all that in.

CLIENT: Mm hm. And then there's all this like different stuff.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Right.

CLIENT: Yeah. Like I get an e-mail I would say like about the day I get back saying—from one of my mother's and my aunt is saying, "Hi Trina, hope your summer's going well." Or, "We're going to host a manager event in the next week or so, so keep your eyes peeled."

THERAPIST: Major position? [25:00]

CLIENT: A Manager position for the [unclear] at University of Houston. It's like, okay I think—like I see her from the [unclear], like blah blah blah, I'm thinking, "Yeah, whatever." So they posted it just today, I checked today, and the pay grade is like the middle—it's like [49, 57, 89] is like the pay grade scale.

THERAPIST: Low, medium, high.

CLIENT: Low, medium, high. Right, it's low. And so I was like, "Ah, there's no harm in applying." So I applied without even reading the job description. And my information is like all in the system already because I've applied to a thousand million positions there. And I e-mailed [unclear 25:45] applied [unclear]. Because I figured [unclear]. And like what if they came at me with like $65,000, $60,000? I know that's a stretch, but if the mid-range is 65 and I have X amount of years of experience? I mean, that would be a nice little pay bump in terms of like lifestyle, even if I had to move. Anyway, so now that's in the mix. I mean, what if I could bargain, what if I could negotiate? I should move if I'm going to get a big pay grade, like a big pay bump, because of my debt, like primarily. So it's an interesting development. I'm not sure it's gonna go anywhere, I'm not convinced of anything, because I've been applying since January and I haven't spoken about the thousands of positions that I haven't been able to, but this is the first one that has reasonable [unclear 26:45] that they've actually expressed interest [unclear] in me. So that'll be interesting to find out what happens. I also wanted to—I got your bill.

THERAPIST: Right. [27:00]

CLIENT: So I obviously can't like pay it in one chunk right now.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I don't know what would be best for you in terms of like—

THERAPIST: It depends on what you can do.

CLIENT: Probably like a hundred of it if you want to do that today.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Is that okay?

THERAPIST: Um… yeah, a hundred of it today, and then we can just talk about the timing of—

CLIENT: Exactly. Let me work it out a little bit—

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: —and then I'll shoot you an e-mail back—

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: —with more specific [unclear]. Do you need my card?

THERAPIST: I think you gave it to me while I was—

CLIENT: Yeah, I think you should have it.

THERAPIST: Is it the same one?

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Okay. Okay, I will do that, and I will [unclear 27:49].

CLIENT: Thanks. Would it be easier if I like write a check each session?

THERAPIST: You can do that, that's fine. It's really not that hard for me to charge it, I just whatever. [28:00]

CLIENT: I know. I know all about billing. I mean, there was hours of billing. I haven't been billing in X weeks, and all obnoxious.

THERAPIST: Well, I do not want to put you in the middle of that again.

CLIENT: [laughs]

THERAPIST: We'll find whatever's most expedient.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: But let's do that. And then next week where are we at schedule-wise?

CLIENT: Well, I think let's just keep Friday for now.

THERAPIST: Okay. Is your concern about money, or is you concern about time, or are you not wanting to do more than once a week? What's your—

CLIENT: I don't know, all of the above.

THERAPIST: Okay. Well, let's talk about that, we should.

CLIENT: Okay. Yeah, for sure.

THERAPIST: Do more than commenting on that.

CLIENT: Okay, yes. All right, good. So I will e-mail you.

THERAPIST: Okay. I will charge you for a hundred bucks today.

CLIENT: Great. [29:00]

THERAPIST: And we'll meet next Friday, and yeah, [unclear].

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Thank you. Have a great weekend.

THERAPIST: You too.

END TRANSCRIPT