TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: I was looking at that Matisse (ph) painting in the waiting room...

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: ...which I've never really paid attention to. I was staring at it for the past few minutes. So the woman is arranging something on a table. The light above the table isn't suspended, I think. It's just sort of hovering. There's no cable connecting to a ceiling.

THERAPIST: Is that right? I haven't looked at it.

CLIENT: I paid attention to it because I'm fixing the lamp.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) Like the past hour... And she's arranging things and I can't figure out if they're apples, onions, or light bulbs.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: But 1908, I'm not sure if they could be light bulbs and it wouldn't make any sense for her to be arranging light bulbs.

THERAPIST: What is it? A bowl? I don't...

CLIENT: Yeah. So there's a single bowl and... There's one bowl on the table. In it is a glass vase with flowers in it and the other is an identical sort of bowl on a pedestal. [00:01:09]

She's arranging things but there isn't a vase that's in it, that's holding flowers. But there's various objects and part of like the thing that's right beneath her but it's not in her hand looks like a roll, like a dinner roll but it's red. It's not an apple unless he's taking great liberties with what it means to be an apple.

THERAPIST: Because of the shape?

CLIENT: The shape is odd. The shape is peculiar.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Anyway...

THERAPIST: I should look at it.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) Well, there's this thing. So a few months ago, I was reading this thing in the New York Times about how, in our busy world, we need to slow ourselves down and a way to eliminate distraction and just concentrate is to pick a painting and stare at it for three hours. [00:02:03]

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Right? So they talked about sort of the impracticality of having three uninterrupted hours but the great benefit of doing that. So, I was waiting to teach at a dentist office a couple months ago and they were running late, which is not uncommon. But I was fine. So back where I was going to teach, there was this painting... (inaudible at 00:02:33) reproduction. And I thought, "I'm just going to actually do this. I'm not sure how long I have to do this." But it probably was, you know, fifteen minutes which is a long, long time to actually look and consider a painting. And to enter into that world, you begin to see so much if that's all you're considering. [00:03:01]

And what's going on is often different from what you first see as far as this first... It was a woman sitting at a, by a baroque chair next to a desk and she was looking through an art book and then near her feet were other... It was a stack of art books. But then on the shelf, which you wouldn't notice just a sort of casual looking at it, was a boar's head, a jar of paint brushes, paintings on the wall which was obvious, they were in the foreground. And she was dressed very well. But I thought, "Is the artist painting her and she's a model and she's like waiting to go into the studio and she's going to become the subject? Right? Or is she the painter who is going through art books?" But then there was this boar's head, not big, not life size and a mountain of books. Peculiar. [00:04:11]

THERAPIST: What's that doing there?

CLIENT: What's that doing there? (PAUSE) Which brings me to an unrelated thing. But... So, we're doing the kitchen...

THERAPIST: Well, it's an interesting lesson. Right? If you look enough...

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: ...there's something about our minds and like how much we miss but if we use our minds to examine a little carefully how much there is, we call it, what's underneath. But maybe that's not even a great, the best metaphor. That's like it's...

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. That's right.

THERAPIST: What else is there?

CLIENT: That's right. Yeah. That's right. (PAUSE) Well, so, there's... So in The Royal Tenenbaums there's a character who is the cowboy. He's always wearing the fringe jacket. [00:05:05]

So when they finally go to his place... Right? (inaudible at 00:05:11) He's always going after Gwyneth Paltrow and he's this rider. So they finally go to his place and, I'm not sure if you remember, but I just find it hysterical, the paintings behind him... Right? There's the crazy like cavemen in masks riding these all-terrain vehicles, like really like menacingly...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ...but the sort of funny anachronism of these like crazy masked aboriginal types racing around on these quads.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Doing like donuts. Right? And I love it. I watch it like freeze frame. I'm like, "That's just marvelous." I love the production of that. There's various other artwork like that. Right? But these menacing modern types looking primitive. [00:05:57]

Anyway, so, related to that, so I... I'm getting to the main point. So the kitchen had its wall paper removed and it's beginning to look like it needs to be resurfaced. So that's been a while. I took it a while, a couple months ago... I took down the wall paper. And the cabinets are this sort of golden oak and then the wall paper that was there was this silvery, not shiny but sort of, but kind of, this silvery paper and then on diagonal... There's diagonal black lines. And then also in sort of regular pattern were sort of these pinks and blues. So it had this sort of David Bowie, like zig stardust (inaudible) sort of feel to it. But just the vision of that with these 1960's gold cabinets made each look worse. Wallpaper was bad, cabinets were bad, but together, horrifying. [00:06:59]

I took down the wallpaper in there, the mudroom, the bathroom, and then the room that separates the kitchen from the front entry. And so it's just been sitting there. Well, when I pulled down the paper, behind it were these decoupaged images that were from the original construction of the house, I would surmise. So directly onto the plaster...

THERAPIST: What does decoupage mean?

CLIENT: Decoupage is when you take a cut out picture from a magazine, if you want, right, and you have this clear shellac and you put it on the wall and you put a picture and then you put over it again so it's protected. So you can do... My mom used to do this. So you make this 3D art. You can take a vase, for instance, and cut out pictures and make like a collage of sorts. But you decoupage and you can make a vase that's surrounded in all sorts of things that you like. So if you're a kid, you can do it in racecars.

THERAPIST: Oh. [00:08:01]

CLIENT: Or what she would do is find all kinds of pictures of flowers in different sizes and then just, in layers of clear coating, stick the pictures to them, this decoupage.

THERAPIST: Oh okay.

CLIENT: So that's decoupage. (PAUSE) So I peel off the wallpaper.

THERAPIST: There's this decoupage that's still intact.

CLIENT: Still intact and it's phenomenal. Above the entry to the mudroom is a little Mexican boy in a sombrero and a tree. Behind him is a burro. It's like this big. Right? And the kid above the refrigerator is this Dutch boy with his klompens (ph) and behind him is a windmill and he's holding a tray with a dozen apples. He's like marching along. And that's a much bigger one. That's a much bigger picture. [00:08:57]

And then above the other entry into the front of the house was another little Mexican boy. He was like walking near a cactus. (PAUSE) But there's a bit of like, little bit of white paint over that. It's a smaller picture.

THERAPIST: And these are like placed purposefully in locations that make sense kind of?

CLIENT: Yeah. Although it feels... What strikes me, which is what I'm protecting... Right? I'm painting this white spackling, sanding, painting. The whole routine to properly... And yet what I did was I masked out and I taped around them. So I'm going to completely repaint the kitchen and the cabinets and get the hardware for them. But I've masked out these and so what I'm going to do once it's all done is you have the beige original plaster and then you have the decoupaged image which I'm suspecting is 1929 or whatever. Right? I mean, that was when the house was built. [00:10:05]

And now I'm going to get molding and actually put a frame directly onto the wall so it looks like a framed picture. So that's the plan. So but what strikes me is that it might have been like a young mother. Right? And so now she wanted artwork of kids for her little kids and she just sort of like put them up there because... (PAUSE) I'm not sure if they had... Yes. They had wallpaper. I'm sure they had wall paper then. But maybe it was this cheap thing to do and she wanted to have these images for her kids or maybe they made her happy. I don't know. But they're just these images of these kids and having little adventures. [00:11:01]

You've got a Mexican kid, two Mexican kids and a Dutch kid. So the bathroom... Right? So since it's actually new... Because the kitchen actually used to be really big. But then as (inaudible at 00:11:19) they would eat into the space of the kitchen to put in a half bath. This was sort of the 1950s, 60s. People would do this. So the kitchen is... The bathroom is... The half bath is newer than the rest of the place because it was actually built into the kitchen. That is the case. So as I've been painting, at some point... Oh. By the way, so peeling off the wallpaper, all the original sketches of the kitchen, very well done. Right? I peeled off the wallpaper and in pencil in great detail, it was very great perspective, written by someone who clearly knows how to draw plans and, what is a complete replica of the kitchen and all of the cabinets. [00:12:01]

THERAPIST: This is on the actual wall.

CLIENT: On the plaster...

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: ...which was then wallpapered over. So which speaks to the intactness and the museum quality of the house in the sense that the wallpaper was put up and then if they put up new wallpaper, they would take that down and put up new and so basically this original drawing has remained intact for all these years which is interesting. Finally, when I went to prime, you know, I had taken pictures of it. But I took tons of pictures of this drawings and then... Because once I prime it, that's it. It's gone. Right? I'm erasing history. But, you know, I can't preserve everything.

THERAPIST: You can't keep that.

CLIENT: I can't keep it. Right? But I can Photoshop and print it up and...

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. How big was the schematic?

CLIENT: The... There were two sketches. And so one was like this and the other was smaller.

THERAPIST: Okay. Really? [00:13:03]

CLIENT: Two different perspectives of the kitchen. (PAUSE) And free handed. So not using a ruler. But the perspective is correct.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: And so it's really, you know, very well drawn.

THERAPIST: I wonder why they drew it there. It means it's already been built or (inaudible at 00:13:21)

CLIENT: So the plaster's there but they were putting in the cabinets.

THERAPIST: Oh. They were doing...

CLIENT: So the space was there and I think what they did was they had all the walls, they were going to put in cabinets. So then the person...

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.

CLIENT: ...drew how the kitchen was going to look so the workers could put them in.

THERAPIST: Okay. All the kind of sink or counter space and cabinets, they're...

CLIENT: They're drawn.

THERAPIST: ...drawn. Got it.

CLIENT: So then there's the half bath. Right? And so in there, I, to have a joke with Barbara (ph), because there (inaudible at 00:13:57) and I pointed them out to her and she thought that was interesting, not as fascinating as I thought they were but she thought they were interesting. [00:14:05]

So in pencil then I sketched some things in the half bath sort of to joke with her. The toilet said, "Poop here." And then, on the wall, in diagonal, it said, "FDR in '36."

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Right? So she's looking and she goes, "Roosevelt was president in '36 too." And I said, "Yeah." She said, "Poop here." She goes, "That's strange." I said, "Yeah. These workers... Who knows." You know, so I finally told her. But the bathroom... Right? So as I'm painting throughout the house, I finally thought, you know, "I need to clean by brushes." And so other than... So you have brushes, right, before you rinse them. So (inaudible at 00:14:45) So I had to sort of like (inaudible) which is actually called Benjamin Moore in formal ivory. Alright? So there's these little hash marks just like faded paint as the brush loses its paint. [00:15:07]

THERAPIST: Oh yeah.

CLIENT: And then I was doing something in this chocolate brown which I (inaudible) But then I went and cleaned the brushes and there were all these brown marks. Right? Which is interesting because I guess it's sort of like you've got the beige plaster and then you've got these ivory things and then you've got this brown which might look like the psych ward, someone who like is spreading feces all over because the bathroom is all this chocolate brown stuff. And then we're doing something with yellow. So it has this very layered odd almost camouflage effect now because I keep cleaning the brushes. So the painting in The Royal Tannenbaums, I told Barbara, if we're redoing all this stuff... Right? It's going to look nice and clean and white and off whites and taupes and that's how the kitchen is going to be. The bathroom, the half bath, I want it to be like Cannibal Island. I want it to be (inaudible at 00:16:01) (LAUGHTER) and like, you know how (inaudible) restaurant is. She goes, "Yeah." [00:16:03]

But not that. Not like a Spanish party but like glue things on so it has texture and then paint over it and have it be this scary little half bath. She was not impressed.

THERAPIST: She was what?

CLIENT: She was not impressed.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Clearly. I said, "Just that one room different."

(CROSSTALK)

CLIENT: That's right. Exactly. So I said, "For a toilet seat," I said, "Actually, for a toilet seat, what we could have a deer antlers."

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: And I said, "But you couldn't sit on it because it would hurt. So then hanging on the wall, we would have sheep skin chaps that you wear backwards in order to sit down on it." Anyway, I had this whole elaborate...

THERAPIST: It would be a real adventure.

CLIENT: Exactly. Yeah. So I said, "It would be just like the cavemen used to do." (inaudible at 00:16:53) Anyway, so...

THERAPIST: You'd have a line around the block to use that.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) That's right. [00:17:01]

So, yes. (PAUSE) Things underneath the surface versus just sort of carefully examining the picture. Just observing details and giving yourself time to observe the details.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah. It's not really beneath the surface. (LAUGHTER) It's more like it's right there in front of you. You just have to take the time.

CLIENT: So I...

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: So it's the main thing as I was walking in. I got distracted by looking at the piece. So like I... For some reason, lately, I don't know, past a month, like I just can't sleep. So I get in bed and then I'm like... I can feel like an itching. My legs are restless. I'm like... I'm awake. And then I get up and then I go downstairs and I watch TV. And the next thing you know, it's like three in the morning and then I (inaudible) So it's like, you know, three hours of sleep, two hours. [00:18:09]

And sometimes I'll take a nap if I can but (inaudible) Anyway, so sleeping is this thing. So last night, after... Well, so what are the events. So now there's this like (inaudible). So we had a leak in the basement and so then that's vexing. So dry it all up but then we have more rain. But I was like... Because we have this, a few days ago we had these thunderstorms. Right? So it's this massive amount of water and then finally it just sort of came through this little two inch gap. We've had water before. But now we actually see where the water comes through.

THERAPIST: It's where? [00:18:59]

CLIENT: In the basement. So it's like this gap like one cinder block above the floor. And that's the little tiny thing. Now as I was mopping up and cleaning, I realized I could actually see water like flowing through.

THERAPIST: From there.

CLIENT: Now the solution is to completely seal it and put in a French drain. French drains are super expensive and it's like, "Alright." So I thought... So I go online after it's all dried and dehumidifier and fans are all working and it's dried. But the rains are coming yesterday. So I'm like, "I've got to get this stuff in before it rains." So I got a bunch of silicone adhesive caulking and put it there. Take a screwdriver, ram it in, layer, layer, layer, layer, layer. Later at Home Depot, they have this spray rubberized Rustoleum paint. It's rubber. So last night, I go down after the silicone had dried and I just sprayed, sprayed, sprayed, sprayed, sprayed, sprayed, sprayed. It's spray paint and we had the dehumidifier on which means the whole basement's sealed up. [00:20:01]

That's the whole point to dehumidify. And I'm very careful about paint and wearing masks and so forth but the problem is I don't have a (inaudible) compound mask for this sort of stuff. Right? So I'm aware of the risk and I'm like, "Okay. Go down. Just... It's going to take three minutes. Just spray the hell out of it. Go back up. Set the alarm for a half hour. Go back down and do a second coat, which is what they recommend." Realizing I'm breathing in all this stuff but it's fine. Right? Three minutes and two minutes. There you go. Well, it's like going to an autobody shop. It's just intense. Right? And it's like the basement's all sealed up and even the kitchen, it starts to permeate. And we're sitting in the living room and it's just so intense. Right? The spray paint. And then I go to bed, can't sleep, come back downstairs. But I'm aware of this thing, the spray painting. So I come back down, watch Sports Central, that I've recorded. Sports Tonight. Pardon me. [00:21:09]

I fast forward through that, see what's going on with the Patriots. And then I go through the channels and HBO had this thing that's just starting and now it's like one in the morning. And this is the thing that's poignant (ph). This is the thing that's affecting me. So it's a documentary and it's called, I believe, The Crash Diaries. So it's this. In... It starts off and it's this young, good looking, like, fifteen year old kid. [00:21:57]

And he's talking about how he goes to school in the summer time. So he has the winters free because he snowboards. From Vermont. Snowboards, snowboards, snowboards. Very competitive, very good. And so this is, you know, being filmed right. And then sixteen, seventeen, now he and Shaun White are the best snowboarders. And so during 2005 Shaun White was always winning. Two thousand six, it was neck and neck. Kevin Pearce (ph) and Shaun White, neck and neck. Two thousand seven, leading up to the Olympics, Kevin Pearce and Shaun White are always competing but Kevin Pearce is now winning everything and Shaun White is always coming in seconds leading up to the Olympics. And so the next big thing was to do this double corkscrew, so on this twenty two foot halfpipe. Right? So Shaun White's sponsor builds this giant half pipe in the middle of nowhere. And all the staff are sworn to secrecy. So Shaun White can just practice and practice and practice in this foam pit. So he can do all these things and land in a foam pit. [00:23:05]

So no one... He's by himself. Right? [00:23:11] Kevin Pearce has his sponsor build the same half pipe with a giant air mattress, a giant inflatable air thing. Right? So they can... But he has all his friends who are fellow competitors. It's like, "Oh, let's just do this together." Right? So practice, practice, practice. Finally, Kevin Pearce feels good about this double corkscrew. Right? He's done it enough landing on the air. So then he's practicing a modified version without actually doing it for real. So then one morning... Right? At this point, he's the best in the world. (inaudible at 00:23:57)

(PAUSE) [00:24:00]

CLIENT: So he and his friend, you know, they do rock, paper, scissors, who's going to go first. Because now they're going to actually do this thing for real. And Kevin Pearce wins. He's going to go first. He's nervous because this is big. He goes down, building up speed, up to twenty two foot face, up twenty feet, face first. Traumatic brain injury. He's just lying there.

THERAPIST: Oh my God.

CLIENT: It's all on film.

THERAPIST: It's all filmed?

CLIENT: It's all filmed. That's how they do it. They record. It's just like skateboards. They have cameras on the helmets.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: So (inaudible at 00:24:41) So he's just face first, airlifted out. Immediately, everyone is like, "This is bad." Right? Immediately, all the other snowboarders, "We need a helicopter. This is horrible." So coma for three months. [00:25:03]

You see him in the hospital just this massive head, hair shaved, eyes in different directions. Right? This guy who is immensely likable guy who is very inclusive and yet was on this hard training regimen, diet and exercise and bicycling, bicycling, bicycling to stay in this great shape in addition to do all the gymnastics and so forth to do all the snowboarding. So really a student. So didn't know whether he was going to live or die. Then he finally like opens his eyes. Doctors have no idea like what's going to happen. Right? So when he's finally able to talk in some way, he's like, "Olympics and snowboarding Olympics." [00:26:09]

He can't even walk. He can't even get out of bed at this point but that's his thing. Right? But then he can't remember. Apparently, they did all these diagnostics and it's like four percent of what a normal person would be. You talk to him and like two minutes later, he doesn't remember the conversation. Impulsive... So a year goes by, he's able to walk but he wants to snowboard, wants to snowboard. Right? His eye is messed up so he has double vision. So he has all these eye surgeries because he blew out his pupil when he hit the, when he impacted.

THERAPIST: Whoa.

CLIENT: So... (PAUSE) So finally, after two years, he's... His parents are very well to do. His dad's and artist. They have this big thing in Vermont. His brother... He has several brothers. One brother is a snowboarder also but not competitive as he is.

THERAPIST: Right. [00:27:11]

CLIENT: he does it for fun and is good but not like elite. And he has a brother named David who has Down Syndrome and he's won all these gold medals in Special Olympics, summer and winter. Right? So David has Down Syndrome but he's Special Olympics and he's just devastated by Kevin (PAUSE) Kevin's injury. And Kevin wants to go back. And David is like, "We saw you. We saw you Kevin and we don't want that again. We don't want you to have another concussion. You can die." [00:27:57]

And so you have this guy, Kevin, who just wants to go back to snowboard, wants it, wants it, wants it. His family is trying to counsel him against it because they don't want to go through this again. They know what's going to happen if he gets another concussion. (inaudible at 00:28:11) What's touching is you have this person who has traveled around the world and is this phenom and he's, you know, was seventeen and a half and now he's almost twenty and you have his younger brother who has Down Syndrome who is counseling him and now mentally they're not too far away from each other. And so you have them becoming really close and David, with Down Syndrome, is the person who is wise and trying to tell his brother who is now impulsive and can't remember anything and can't think clearly to not do this. So and then Kevin sneaks off and competes.

THERAPIST: Oh gosh. [00:28:59]

CLIENT: Right? But not half pipe but just like a slalom version and he's like really slow and he finishes last. And then he's like snowboarding with his friends just like jumping over a, like a, you know, like a pole. And all of his friends are just doing sort of just like a basic exercise. And he just keeps on doing it and doing it and doing it. And they like interview his friends and they're like, "We looked up to him so much and he was the best and now we're having to... We're like a little bit embarrassed because we're having to encourage him. He just can't do it. And we love him but he can't do it." And so then Kevin begins to realize that he just can't be a snowboarder. He just can't do it. He just can't do it. So he goes around. You know, he gives these... He's like twenty one now. He talks to people who have brain injuries. Meanwhile, they're doing all of these other little snapshots of these other people who are competitive snowboarders, skier, motocross, X Game, doing flips off giant jumps, snowmobilers, right, who have all suffered these major traumatic injuries and how there's no insurance. [00:30:21]

They're uninsurable because of these high risk things. The only time they have insurance is if they're actually competing in an event that's sponsored by Red Bull or Monster or Burton. Right? But if you're practicing, forget it. You're on your own. And most people get injured while they're practicing. So they need this massive amount of help and there's nothing. So they're interviewing also Sarah Burke (ph) along the way who is friends with him. She's going to the Olympics and after he's recovered somewhat and realizes that he can't snowboard again (inaudible at 00:30:57)

THERAPIST: Oh. [00:31:01]

CLIENT: Twenty one years old. Right? I remember this at the time. Right? It's national news. She was going to the Olympics. She's this golden girl. And...

THERAPIST: This was... What year was that?

CLIENT: Two thousand eight.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Right before the Olympics she died. So it's just this story of brain injury, brain injury, brain injury and him now finally realizing he can't do this. He can't go snowboard and realizing he's never going to see correctly. He's always going to have double vision. He's always going to have headaches. He's always going to forget. He's always going to need medicine. He's... He won't be able to live by himself because he will forget to turn off the stove. (PAUSE) And so you see him and his brother David. Like this is... (PAUSE) So he goes back home to Vermont. Right? And there's Thanksgiving dinner and they sit side by side. One who was born this way and another who happened to have a brain injury. [00:32:03]

Then you see the closing footage is of him and Shaun White preinjury doing this half pipe at night, just these spectacular, just amazing things. Right? These two luminaries, one who did not get hurt and this Gold medalist and Kevin Pearce who can't and doesn't and how he talks to these other people with brain injuries. He goes, "I see it. They want to go back to do it. They want to go back to ride motorcycles and some of them have after the first injury or go back to snowboard and then they get a second injury." He goes, "Now they're paralyzed or they're dead." And he said... He goes, "I have to learn, as much as I want to snowboard, I have to live the rest of my life with limitations and be okay with doing something different."

THERAPIST: Oh. [00:33:03]

CLIENT: Right? And so now, like he was doing some commentating and like watching and commenting on the X Games of Shaun White, you know, just doing these amazing things and like Kevin Pearce afterwards just like hugging him and cheering and so forth. But there's still that look of someone who has a brain injury who's not quite there. They look slightly retarded. And he's giving Shaun White this big hug and high five. And it's like he knows and yet he can't complete the dream. He didn't get to go to the Olympics.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And yet he was... It was either him or Shaun White. He ended up winning the gold. And... So what's the point of all this? Somehow, it resonates, this idea of the lesson with David, Down Syndrome... Because it spent a lot of time on him as well. [00:34:19]

He goes, "I hate having Down Syndrome. I know I have it." He goes, "Sometimes I get very sad. So I go to my room and I cry and then I try to go back down to be with people because I know I will always be like this." He said, "I see Kevin and he wasn't like that. And now he's like me." And he said, "And now I'm sad for me and him." (PAUSE) So my mom... Right? I grew up with people with Down Syndrome. Right? I was always like a comparison. It's like...

(PAUSE) [00:35:00]

Always aware of like going to school in like a privileged place in many ways and competing and so forth but always that touchstone of like it can be gone in an instant or you can just, genetics just... (PAUSE) And how do you, how can you be kind to yourself? How can Kevin Pearce be kind to himself and as he is learning to be realize he was that and he cannot be and he's not going to be in the Olympics. He's not even going to ever snowboard. (PAUSE) And his brother will always have Down Syndrome.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:36:07]

CLIENT: And somehow thinking, in some strange way, although it's not a huge comparison but I think it may be an extreme example of a brain injury, is like someone who has depression and has dealt with that, realizing in the context of this job, right, a prospect of that, thinking, "I can do a lot of things but there are some things that aren't healthful. It's not healthy." So like...

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:36:55]

CLIENT: So I think, "Why do I want to put myself in that sort of level of assault?" Right? Certainly teaching biology is no dream. It's not like snowboarding. There's no comparison. It's not like you go to the biology teaching Olympics. It's not that. (PAUSE) So anyway, I stay up until three in the morning. I watch that. I go to sleep. I had (inaudible at 00:37:25) I wake up. I'm happy that I'm not suffering the effects of (inaudible) I'm not shaking or having seizures because of breathing in all the fumes. I have coffee. It gives you fake energy. Right? I'm nervous and so forth. I'm trying to wake up. So I go to the interview which is a follow up to the original interview which is consulting (inaudible) So the superintendent assistant...

THERAPIST: This woman at Red Bank? [00:38:03]

CLIENT: Exactly. She gave me... She gave my resume to this company and so I had a phone interview this morning at 9:30 and so I'm sitting there in the car because Barbara's home and I don't feel like having an audience while I have this conversation. Right? So I actually go out in the car and sit there for forty five minutes having this conversation with this person. And meanwhile, it's going through teaching history and all these like questions and, you know... Meanwhile, in the back of my mind is Kevin Pearce and David Pearce and... (PAUSE) And I'm thinking... So, you know, the questions, like, "So, can you think of a time when you had a lesson plan and then you realized that it wasn't working and then you deviated from it?" [00:38:59]

It's like, "Oh..." You can't express exasperation because you're in the moment because you're trying to impress. So you think of examples and it feels fake but it's true and it's like I haven't really thought about this ever. Whatever. Who cares. But I answered the question. And like, "What's the number one problem with public schools?" (PAUSE) To which I say, "Well, when you teach, you have a hundred to 120 students and there are parent teacher conferences. They're in the morning. They're in the afternoon. They're in the evening. So people have the opportunity to come over the course of the year. And you sit there and five parents show up." I said, "But you can't blame the parents. You have kids who are homeless. You have kids who have learning disabilities. But you can't blame the kids because they're doing their best, most of them, not all of them. You can't blame the parents because they're, most of them, intimidated by high school because they themselves didn't finish and they don't speak Red Bank. So why would they want to show up to see the teacher because they were afraid of high school themselves. They think their kids are rather brave for actually going to school. Or it could be that they don't speak English. So you go to their homes and you see a Spanish Bible and a Spanish TV Guide and that's it. Or it could be teachers that have been around too long and you can't get rid of them. Or it could be administration doesn't support teachers." I said, "But if I say it's the parents, that's defeatist. If I say it's the kids, that expresses some doubt about students' abilities. If I talk about teachers, then it is as if overburdened teachers aren't doing enough and that's true for some but not for many. And if I say it's the administration, then it implies that I'm the sort of teacher who is dissatisfied with his employer." [00:41:07]

But I said, "It's all of the above." (PAUSE) And I said, "So if you are a partner is Waltham Public Schools, I think it's your goal to find best practices and to distill them into five targeted improvements and to try to change systemically for the better. But it has to work on all fronts." And I said, "Sometimes, school districts can be insular and they need an outside perspective. But, at the same time, (inaudible at 00:41:47) and can't work them out." So I said, "Hats off to you for being the consultants. But I can't give you a single answer." [00:41:59]

It's like, "What a dumb ass question." It's like... So I'm sitting there for forty five minutes. It's like, "Fuck this. I got want to be a damn teacher at Red Bank High School." (inaudible at 00:42:11) "What does it mean to be at a turnaround school?" That's the term.

THERAPIST: That means...

CLIENT: Yeah. It's like near the... It's like Level Five or...

THERAPIST: That's (inaudible)

CLIENT: And I said, "Well, I'm sure that turn around has with it a certain number of procedures and mandates." But I said, "It could just be vocabulary." I said, "When you're looking at students, do students show up at Red Bank and think of them as turnaround students going to a turnaround school? Or do they see themselves as nervous adolescents going to biology class at Red Bank High and they are having trouble with all of their subjects and they're nervous?" [00:42:57]

I said, "As a teacher, I can't look at my students and think, 'Oh, they're turnaround students,' because they're not. They happen to be at a turnaround school. But I said, 'Francesca (inaudible at 00:43:05) wasn't called turn around but to have a school district (inaudible) which is an endless disaster. Not called turn around so it could be (inaudible at 00:43:21) I'm like, "Fuck this. I don't want it. I don't want it." Meanwhile, the real story is Kevin Pearce who's like... And, you know, his brother David. I'm like, "That's real." So I'm aware of like the reality. There's some serious shit. And this documentary was phenomenal. And then these questions. And I'm like, "Hand me a fucking break."

(PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Well, I mean, what I'm struck by is your answers were very real. I mean, you know, I don't know what you ended up saying. But your response to it was very real. [00:44:01]

I mean, but there's something about that's always been troubling is the, is you were kind of articulating to me what you said in response to those questions is that you've got to somehow act like, you know, everything's... Somehow you've got to act positive or kind of discount the harsh real truthful realities of the situation you guys are in. And that feels like a lot of bullshit. Well, it is a lot of bullshit. (LAUGHTER) It's a lot of bullshit that you've got to put up with for a job... Well, all those things being aspects of the job that are maddening.

CLIENT: This job is maddening, yes. Exactly. And I feel like (inaudible at 00:44:51) It's good that they are paying a lot of attention to who they're going to hire. I mean, that's a step in the right direction. [00:45:03]

If you have a turnaround school, right, you know, it's the Patriots analogy. Right? You've got fifty good players. You can take a chance on (inaudible). You can take a chance on Aaron Hernandez (ph) because you have a couple guys or one guy that all fit into the system. And you've got fifty good guys. Well, so... There's less pressure perhaps that other schools are already functioning. Right? Whereas, when you try a turnaround school and you're hiring and the school is already a disaster, it's like having the first round draft pick and it's like you have a... You have a very low lottery number. You've got the number one pick. Right? It's the (inaudible) idea. Right? And it's like you've got one pick to biology and this school is on the edge and if they don't make it this year... [00:46:01]

So I understand the level of scrutiny at the second interview (inaudible at 00:46:11) You usually sort of go in previously.

THERAPIST: Oh, is that right? That's interesting.

CLIENT: (inaudible)

THERAPIST: Oh okay.

CLIENT: But, I mean, that's the old climate. Right? Those are the Francesca days and the Shrewsbury days. Recently, it's not the case. But... So I can't help but look at it and thinking, "Like jumping through hoops..." And meanwhile, in my heart, I'm looking and thinking, "This is not my dream." So it's sort of an annoyance. I don't even know if I want it. I have to go through the motions to impress...

THERAPIST: That's right.

CLIENT: I feel like I don't want to come off unfavorably because I feel like... My thing is, "Well, hopefully not get offered the biology job because then I don't have the choice." [00:47:03]

If I do get offered it, I can somehow decline it with an option of possibly doing something different. So I need to impress along the way. I can't sabotage it. So I gave my full effort for this interview, sitting in the car, staring at (inaudible)

THERAPIST: I have to stop in a few minutes but what...

CLIENT: Well, I look at it thinking, "So now I've just been..." It's like a dose of being stressed, like revisiting all this stuff for the sake of an interview, realizing, thinking, "I don't want this." I have to do everything I can along the way so there's...

THERAPIST: Where does the stress come from? Where do you notice... Like what do you feel...

(PAUSE) [00:48:00]

CLIENT: Well, the stress of having to comment on teaching, which has always been annoying as hell. Right? Meaning, being in a classroom and having administration wanting a certain thing.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Okay.

CLIENT: And so, feeling like, "Okay, I'm going to pontificate on actually having..." Because if you answer the question, you have to actually inhabit it mentally. You have to actually imagine, remember being in a classroom. So you feel it and it's not a happy thing. (PAUSE) So, yeah, it's remembering and it's always with an eye to everything is sort of valanced or nuanced or whatever the... What's implied is, "I'm inhabiting this old thing, right, or remembering this experience and the point of it is to project onto how it would be in the future." [00:49:15]

(PAUSE)

CLIENT: You know, "What's your biggest success?" I said, "Well, two things stand out. Right? I mean, creating the AP biology program at Francesca and, in the first year, having two thirds of my students get a three, four, or a five. And then a third of the other teachers being let go. So that was demoralizing."

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:49:59]

CLIENT: So the frustration of having a great success and creating the program and having a huge success with a lot of work. And the other is working (inaudible at 00:50:21) knowing the twelve step program, being around people who are addicted, but having the feeling for it. Although, I didn't know that at the time. And being around students who are trying their best to be very real and honest much more than a lot of people that age. Right? And they're deliberately not going back with their friends. They are making this choice to have a different life. And so to teach in that setting... It wasn't AP biology. But to have people actually show up and feel okay and get through a day, to have kids get through the day... [00:51:07]

Right? That's an equal or greater success perhaps than kids doing really well on the AP stuff. (inaudible at 00:51:17)

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: It's genuine. That's absolutely genuine. But then I'm like... I remember that fondly. I remember those kids and I loved those kids. But I'm like, "No Red Bank."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So it's like I did it. But do I want to do it again?

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. Well, listen. I've got to stop. But when do you...

CLIENT: Oh yeah. So today was this. I wasn't expecting (inaudible) That's a great relief. Right? She didn't call. I didn't get the job. Anyway, so now it's like this... Now...

THERAPIST: You're just going to (inaudible)

CLIENT: Who knows?

THERAPIST: Okay.

(PAUSE) [00:52:00]

THERAPIST: Alright. I'll see you next week. Alright. We'll know more...

CLIENT: Yeah, thanks.

THERAPIST: ...one way or the other.

CLIENT: Yeah, thanks. Alright. (PAUSE) I'm off to Home Depot because I have to find... Our electrician broke our lamp. We were looking for lamps (inaudible at 00:52:33) we discovered this art deco thing and we researched. It's original to the house. It's actually valuable.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: And the electrician broke it today. So it's a matter of trying to restore it. Not her fault. I mean, it is her fault but she felt wrong about it.

THERAPIST: (LAUGHTER)

CLIENT: Anyway...

THERAPIST: Alright.

END TRANSCRIPT