TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Thanks.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: Grapefruits are hard to stop eating and then start eating again. (pause) Well, my love, I think we are missing a lot of important things because I just don't have anything to say about them. And they have nothing to do with us. But they're happening. Jeremy and I felt great at our eighth anniversary in dating. And I had my first committee meeting after a year and it went well.

THERAPIST: Good. That's terrific. [0:01:01] These are big events.

CLIENT: They are big events. And in an hour I'm going to the city to hang with my brother. And then we're going to Virginia to have round two of my dad's birthday celebration which is in an art gallery with like local Artissimo (ph) coffee and ice cream and tasty catered local Indian food.

And Cassie (ph) brought a jazz pianist who is in love with Jeremy who at the time that eight years ago Sunday we had our... Jeremy and I had our first kiss and I sort of lost my friendship with her. But she's still actually quite friendly with Jeremy which is great and enough with me. [0:02:00] So she's playing. Jeremy's parents are coming. And then there's this troop of Indian classical musicians and folk musicians that are playing. And like tasty beer and wine and poetry.

THERAPIST: Sounds pretty awesome.

CLIENT: It's pretty, pretty cool. And I'm going to give a talk.

THERAPIST: Oh, wow.

CLIENT: I've had so many speaking opportunities in the last couple months that I'm treating it like a talk except that I haven't composed it yet. So I don't know if it's going be...

THERAPIST: You're not going to us PowerPoints and charts and stuff in that sense.

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: But I imagine that's what your (inaudible at 0:02:47) used to be.

CLIENT: Yea, that I am very anti-PowerPoint. So I prepare my work completely independently of slides. [0:02:59] And if I have to show data, I do using PowerPoint. But I think one of the reasons why my talks stand out is I don't think they do but people have started to say things it is because I don't use PowerPoint as a script. I use it as a prop. So I started like to sit here and give you a couple of the different topics. And I would be just a comfortable.

So I want... I'm treating it like a talk because I'm like incapable of thinking about things lightly these days. And like meaning not at like treating them like an object of study or a source of very, very deep whatever strong emotions. [0:04:09] But my dad is pretty great and I think there's... there can be a lot expressed about him in very beautiful ways. And it's kind of like the crowd. It's like his work mathematician, engineer, PhD people and his and my mom's and my grandfather's collective (inaudible at 0:04:35) scholarly book club. And some of the family is pretty (inaudible at 0:04:53) people. If it just happens, OK. [0:05:01] Why are you smiling?

THERAPIST: Well, it sounds pretty cool. I was going to ask if you wanted to talk about what you were going to say.

CLIENT: I want to talk about his ability to express a child-like glee in like almost everything. There's this picture of... a couple of pictures of him at our wedding with like his hands like this. And he's like smiling really widely and you can just tell he's like giggling. One of them is when Jeremy arrives. And the other one is when he and I... you know when you like grab hands and spin around. [0:06:09] We did that.

THERAPIST: He you and your dad or...

CLIENT: Me and my dad did that. And so right after that somebody got a bunch of pictures. And it's the same look. And yea, so he has that. But he's... it doesn't match with what he's been through. And actually maybe it does make a lot of sense that he's been able to pass through so much and still be like alive and well and thriving maybe because of this quality. [0:06:59]

The other thing I want to talk about is just the concept of devotion and his devotion to his father, to us and to his work. But it's not really there. Like what I'm imagining is not... is like being inspired by some historical dialog that happened and like starting off with that. Either like some people who express things and in nice ways like philosophers or scientists sort of taking delight in what they're studying and in a continual sort of way that nature surprises us. [0:08:08] But it's really hard to find that. And I think...

THERAPIST: You mean like (inaudible at 0:08:14) quote or something.

CLIENT: Yea. So I spent a lot of time trying to do that. But I think it's just going to come with living. Like living and reading. And I don't think it's going to you need to find a quote for a school project. I may not be prepared to write what I want to write right now. And we're playing saxophone. And my brother is playing back of a hand drum. (pause) [0:09:00] Being a little removed from it, it seems pretty absurd the whole thing.

THERAPIST: How so?

CLIENT: How wonderful it is.

THERAPIST: Yea.

CLIENT: And how privileged it... how privileged we are to be able to do the things we're doing. Do you want to pull apart me?

THERAPIST: I don't know if I want. We'll go to Jeremy. (ph)

CLIENT: He spoke to the class that I TA in to Kelly's (ph) class today. And that was super cool. (pause) [0:10:00] Yea, so all this stuff has happened but I don't really have much to say because I have to feed the elephant like all the time. And I don't think that's a bad thing. I think that's what I'm doing right now. But it's surprising to me. It's also kind of convenient that things that may normally cause a lot of discomfort are just like yea, whatever. I'm sort of always uncomfortable right now. So it's not... it's no big thing, I think, in any meaning.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And I don't know.

THERAPIST: Like being involved in (inaudible at 0:11:01) and getting on the elephant sort of takes your focus away from the stress of that (inaudible at 0:11:11).

CLIENT: I think that it has a... it's become like tolerized or something. Not desensitized but... either I'm like I'm always uncomfortable or the discomfort that I feel about this is so much more everything than the discomfort that I could ever feel about anything else that's going on. [0:12:08] And when I say that, I think like well, that's pretty lucky. Because like if I was somewhere like in the hospital with cancer or I were failing out of school or if I had a really serious psychological issue that wouldn't allow this to happen, then that would be worse. But it comes to mind like if we've all been through everything, then I'm... this is just what's happening for me right now. [0:13:05] And not about it being better or worse than some other thing.

THERAPIST: It's hurting a lot then? (pause) [0:14:00]

CLIENT: My lip quivers but I can't cry, yea, right now. I don't know why. (pause)

THERAPIST: It's striking to maybe not events you described the things going on in your life are (inaudible at 0:15:06) and committee meetings from what I hear can be pretty stressful. And on one side, this has been so absorbing and difficult, stressful, painful that it drowns out the other stress. And yet it's hard to feel here. And I think you were forcing that. Move away from it quickly or frame it as being OK. [0:16:06]

CLIENT: But I think it's also kind of a lifeboat. I don't think it's all (inaudible at 0:16:17) negative.

THERAPIST: Yea, I don't. By nonfunctional (ph), what do you mean?

CLIENT: Like it's very... it's kind of sustaining in a kind of weird way. Maybe I feel like you're with me all the time. And that's a source of great frustration. It's also when it's time to think about the committee meeting, it's very comforting.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: And it also puts things into perspective. [0:17:04] And it also gives me a structure that exists completely outside of all of those things. So like even if the committee meeting went badly, I would still come here and I would talk about it if I wanted to. So that's pretty nice. (pause)

THERAPIST: Yea, that's different from it being so sort of overwhelming or painful that it drowns out those things. [0:18:03]

CLIENT: I think it's both.

THERAPIST: That's sort of feeling connected...

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: ...in a way that helps.

CLIENT: I think it's definitely both. (pause) [0:19:00] (pause for two minutes) Sometimes I think that I'm feeling lost. (pause) [0:22:00] Most of the time, I think it's my loss. (pause) When I'm thinking of loss, I'm thinking things are being gained too. But that's hard to remember that. (pause) [0:23:00] (pause) How long have you been in analysis? [0:24:00]

THERAPIST: What are you wondering about?

CLIENT: I'm wondering if it's like this for like years and years.

THERAPIST: It depends sometimes yes and sometimes no.

CLIENT: It depends on the person?

THERAPIST: Yea, on the person and their relationship. Sometimes (inaudible at 0:24:39) and sometimes it goes on. (pause) [0:25:00]

CLIENT: I've been thinking back to my [groups of five] (ph) that marks on a piece of paper that counts how many elections (ph) when I got to see my older female cousins again. That (inaudible at 0:25:23) time, I think. It was like 100 or something or 101. (pause) (inaudible at 0:25:35). It was the end of August. I think I was like nine or ten. (pause) I was sick with sadness. [0:26:01] It was like the only source of joy was crossing off another one of those lines for a while and then (inaudible at 0:26:21).

THERAPIST: What were they like?

CLIENT: The lines?

THERAPIST: The cousins.

CLIENT: They were very different from each other. My mom's parents had four children. Each of them had a girl and a boy. And these were the two oldest. And they I don't know they were sort of loud and witty and funny and would make me feel really special. [0:27:01] I am seven years younger than the oldest one and six years younger than the second oldest one. And I would sort of just follow them and be sort of like be on top of the world when they need me. And then we would probably just like waiting for that to happen the rest of the time. So it's kind of an electric atmosphere to visit with all the other families gathering (inaudible at 0:27:38). There were a lot of people doing a lot of wonderful things. That it was just (inaudible at 0:27:44).

THERAPIST: Yea. (pause) And they were pretty focused on you. [0:28:02]

CLIENT: Yea, enough. I think they actually weren't that focused on me. I mean, I think I was special to them but it was definitely like I was kind of like the little doll. And didn't understand anything and was tagging along. And they were in their own world doing their own things. But yea, it was... they included me but I guess I don't remember too much about the specifics.

THERAPIST: Yea, it's very clear how much you enjoyed it and how much you miss them.

CLIENT: Yea. And that's the start of time where I wondered what my parents were doing. [0:29:01] (pause)

THERAPIST: Do you mean when they were just helping you with visiting your cousins?

CLIENT: Yea. Like I think they were thinking that I would get over it and helping me feel distracted maybe from the pain. And like reminding me of the reality of things that I am (inaudible at 0:29:53) and they love me and we can talk on the phone.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But that we live here and they live there.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But there wasn't a lot of like what's it like to feel what you feel.

THERAPIST: Yea. But you were pretty seriously living them.

CLIENT: Yea, I would like cry for weeks from what my mom told me. And I remember the... I mean, it's a similar feeling to what I have now. And I've had it lots of times. It's like just this sort of sinking feeling (inaudible at 0:30:41). (pause) And you sort of like do you think that you hear their voice? [0:31:03] And you think that you see them in public places.

And I've started to have a strange attraction to men who are similar to you in sort of general body type and stature and features. (pause) And like in general I think I'm really hyper aroused. What do you think of that? (pause)

Another thing that Jeremy seems to be picking up on my not like really talking that much about Kurt, the other guy in labs who just joined who's a lot like Thomas (ph) in that in his sort of (inaudible at 0:32:09) and features and not my type-ish. [0:32:11] I've been noticing his body a lot. He has a fairly nice body. And he called me a couple times over the weekend to ask where different things are in the lab which I told him he could do. And then Jeremy was there for one of the calls. And I think it was pretty clear like how fond of him I am. And when I... when we hung up, it was like, "Bye Kurt." And I hear from Jeremy, "Bye Kurt."

THERAPIST: (chuckling)

CLIENT: "I want you in me." (chuckling) "I want you inside me. Bye Kurt." [0:33:02] And I told Jeremy that always that I love you, not I want you inside me but both of those are fine. They're right. (pause)

THERAPIST: Just what you wanted to know.

CLIENT: Jeremy. Poor Jeremy. (pause) He'll be fine. He's secure. (pause) [0:34:00] Yea, everything is good (ph). (pause) [0:35:00]

THERAPIST: I don't have much really. (pause) I mean, that things are (inaudible at 0:35:24) pretty clear and consistent. (pause) There's a lot of gnawing (ph) intensity and turn on being (ph). [0:36:08] And getting a certain kind of attention in a way. And... agree (ph)?

CLIENT: I'm so cranky a lot of the time. This is making me very cranky. (pause)

THERAPIST: Why are you cranky?

CLIENT: Like when I snap at people and I'm sort of like grumbling about just having to do things. [0:37:11] And not [certainly not normal] (ph).

THERAPIST: It's a bit of like whatever the thing you mentioned. Like not being (inaudible at 0:37:24) in the way you talked about.

CLIENT: I think I'm feeling... at times I feel a lot of acrimony with this to the extent that I think I could. But it's more that I don't feel a sort of positive filter or happy or cheery filter. (pause) There's sort of like there's a lot of inertia in the way to do everything. [0:38:02] Clearly I'm getting things done. But it feels different. (pause)

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:38:27). (pause) What specifically tends to make you cranky? (pause) You don't have to talk about it now if you would rather not.

CLIENT: I don't know. But like but I don't know when people talk to me. [0:39:02] And I'm like sort of always annoyed. (pause) I mean, I'm not... this isn't... always is the wrong word. It's more often than usual. (pause) I think what's making me cranky is you and us. I don't think there's anything like extrinsic in the world that's making me cranky.

THERAPIST: If I could get over my God damn rules and wake up and see who I had in front of me instead of being such a knucklehead...

CLIENT: Yea. [0:40:05]

THERAPIST: ...you wouldn't have to be so annoyed and cranky. I understand. (pause)

CLIENT: Or if I could see who I had in front of me and like just take the process for what it is and not want it to be different, then I also wouldn't be so annoyed. (pause) [0:41:00] Like one is available to me and one is not. One is extremely gratifying and one is in the short term. One is not. And neither is happening.

THERAPIST: All right. I think I lost my references.

CLIENT: You're waking up and not being a knucklehead. And my...

THERAPIST: Right, right. OK.

CLIENT: ...not wanting to... the process to be different than what it is. The latter is not gratifying in the short term.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But is in my control. [0:42:01]

THERAPIST: I'm shaking my head about the control part.

CLIENT: Well, it's more in my control than like me being left with a knucklehead.

THERAPIST: My knucklehead, yea.

CLIENT: OK, but give me something that I have control in. Neither of those things is happening. And it's annoying. It's annoying that the things that could be happening to me to make me less annoyed aren't happening.

THERAPIST: Gotcha. Yea. (pause)

CLIENT: And there is like so much life going on that isn't really feeling like it's sustaining me as much as this does and doesn't. [0:43:03]

THERAPIST: I think it's important and would be helpful to you and blah, blah, blah. But I am sorry this is so annoying. (pause) (inaudible at 0:43:47) I'm aware of in which way I think it is (inaudible at 0:43:53) if that makes it any helpful. But yea, I am sorry that this is so annoying. [0:44:05] (pause)

CLIENT: Yea, (inaudible at 0:44:23). (pause)

THERAPIST: I'm glad you asked.

CLIENT: Is that it? (chuckling)

THERAPIST: No, no. (chuckling) No, no. Not even I am that lame. [0:45:01] (pause) I know it's very difficult. I admire the way you're handling all of this.

CLIENT: Thanks.

THERAPIST: Sure, sure.

CLIENT: It's nice to laugh.

THERAPIST: Good. Have a good rest of the week and weekend with your party and visit.

CLIENT: Have a good weekend.

THERAPIST: Thank you.

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