TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: I�m really sick of this weather, as I�m sure the rest of the world probably is. I regretted not taking my car today. �Cause it was so cold and windy and gray. And then I was thinking, you know, I feel the exact way I did last year, just what�s the point of being here? It�s miserable, the weather�s miserable and I don�t like, nothing�s different. And then, so it�s like, is it seasonal? �Cause I didn�t feel that way in necessarily in the summer. Or, I don�t know. But there�s so much more bad weather than good weather, that like, is it even worth it to be here at all. I�m just really sick of seeing gross snow and it�s wet everywhere and cold. I�m permanently cold. And I feel like February is not moving fast enough and, you know, whatever. I�m just kind of tired [1:34]. (pause)

My friend went to New York tonight with Stephanie so I could see the baby and stuff and whatever. And I�m not looking forward to the drive. She�s taking advantage of the fact that I did her wrong by lying to her. So just kind of like, being dismissive and like, bossy. Like, and I think she feels that it�s justified no matter what. Anything she says or does, because I lied to her for a year, so she gets to whatever. Which is like, so childish.[2:49] I think � and I�m not � last night I got really upset, because she�d asked if I could procure some weed for her, because she couldn�t get any from Magnus, or something. And I was like, yes. And then she reminded me half-way through the day. And I was like okay, oh, yeah. Okay, �cause I had forgotten and I was like, okay I�ll do it tonight. And then I went home and wasn�t feeling that well and I had been texting her that I wasn�t feeling that well. My stomach was bothering me or whatever. And she was like, well do you think that � so despite your stomach troubles, don�t forget about like, getting me something or whatever. And I was like, Stephanie, yes. [3:41]

That was my text back to her. And she was like, don�t be bitchy to me. Don�t be rude. And started this whole half-hour long texting me. And she was like, you�re being bitchy. And I was like, I was just saying yes. I said your name, you said my name. But if she would just like, have dropped it, then we wouldn�t. And I like � to the point that I started crying, because I was just so frustrated that she was still texting me about it. And she writes this huge, long paragraph. And all I responded was I can�t believe you just typed that. It was basically a lecture in text form. You should understand, the last couple drives I�ve had with my parents, blah, blah, blah. Who brought you Pepto-Bismol when your stomach was hurting and da, da, da, da, da? And threatening to take the train, instead. [4:40]

And I was, I don�t give a fuck. Go ahead. I do this drive all the time alone. I didn�t say that. I just let her go on and I honestly don�t have a problem. I said yes. There�s no problem here. And she was, yeah, just admit you were being bitchy, then. I was like, okay. What was the point? Why � First of all, it made me mad because, if she wants to argue something stupid, she has a boyfriend for that if she wants to argue about dumb shit just so she can end up being right. Secondly, she took it too far and, you know. (pause) She just took it too far. [5:36] I was like, why are we still even talking about his right now? And I didn�t even know how to respond. And it�s fine. It�s dropped now. It�s over. But I don�t know. I feel like her whole attitude, since I told her about the Noah thing is just to kind of be able to treat me however she wants now. And so I feel like I�m going to get abuse for half of the ride. Like, if I say � or I�m going to be nervous or I�m going to say or do something wrong or something. I don�t know. Or she�s going to lecture me if I actually try to talk about anything. [6:35] (pause)

My mom is all preoccupied with Michael having an apartment. I try to be supportive when she talks to me about how he�s doing and like, isn�t it great or like, well at least find another job. But, you know, he�s doing it. He�s getting there. And I try to just listen and be nice and good daughter, good sister, whatever. But, I don; t know. It makes me feel really resentful. Like, of her and of him. Why is he getting a pat on the back for, I don�t know. [7:51]

THERAPIST: For getting up in the morning.

CLIENT: Yeah. Please. He�s getting a pat on the back for doing what I�ve been doing for the past ten or more years without prompting or help or � well, no. I had help, but without like, needing somebody to hold my hand through it or having somebody to drag me all around to all the apartments viewings or interviews or help me with all the applications and my resume. Oh, so I went to pick up laundry at my mother�s house. I guess it was Monday or Tuesday, and I was saying how I went out to dinner with the girls, and it was fun and like, whatever. [9:06] Yeah, I guess this was Monday morning. Did I already tell you this? That she said, and I was saying oh, it�s so nice and that they paid for me for my dinner for me for my birthday and da, da, da.

And she was good, because you don�t need to be spending money. And I got really upset at her. And was like, what the fuck, Mom? I�m in the middle of a story here. What � She�s like, I�m just saying, you know, I really want you to work on getting out of debt. I�m like, why do you have to loop that into me just explaining a fun night that I had with my friends. It�s killing the joy of the story. And then I got upset and then she said I can�t react to her like that and that it�s inappropriate and that it�s rude, and da, da, da, da, da. And then I told her to go talk to her therapist about it. So then she said, I will, he�s back next week. �Cause she doesn�t have a therapist, but she does have group therapy that she goes to, and I guess he�s been away. I was like good, good.

But it�s almost like. I don�t know, with the same theme of just like her kind of not being able just to be mom sometimes in a conversation.[10:50] Like, it�s fine if she would just say like, oh that�s really nice that they took care of dinner for you for your birthday. That�s a really nice thing. And I would get the point. She wouldn�t have to say good, that�s good that they paid for your dinner for you, because you don�t need to spend money because you need to get out of debt. And then I was like � well, I got upset and I was like, what the fuck? I�ll spend $30 dollars on dinner for myself tonight if I want to. What the hell are you talking about? Like I need to eat. I know I need to spend less money, but you�re saying, good thing they paid for it, because otherwise, eh, nice that you had fun, but you probably shouldn�t have done it. Basically you shouldn�t have done it. Basically it�s what it felt. Like oh, that�s good that it was fun, but even better, because they paid for it. And it I had to pay for it myself, would have been oh, that�s fine, but it�s too bad you had to pay for dinner or something, but like oh, you spent money on dinner?[11:49] And I get it she�s worried and wants me not to be in debt in stuff, but like, it�s (pause)

THERAPIST: [13:02] I mean, in a way it sounds like it�s up to you to � I guess it�s different from the well, Trina, talk to your therapist about it. I mean, there it seems like, at least for you, she doesn�t want to deal with or can�t handle something your being angry with her or reactive or something like that. It sounds different, I mean, from what your describing about how it feels to you, she�s sort of raining on your parade, but also spoiling a moment between the two of you where you�re excited to tell her about something good you had which was friends who took you out.[14:15]

CLIENT: Yeah. And then she didn�t understand why I got so upset. She didn�t understand and then it was my fault because I was just being reactive as usual, and she was just the innocent. What did I say?

THERAPIST: Like it circled back to that anger thing.

CLIENT: Well, I can�t say anything. Well, if I do say anything. And we�ve had this discussion before where I�m like, I don�t understand why you can�t just think a little bit more before you talk, when you know it�s a sensitive subject, or you know how I react or whatever. Not to say that I shouldn�t work on being so reactive or like, my anger or temper or whatever, but I don�t think it�s fair to say that I�m the only one that should have to change my behavior in the situation. There�s two people, you know.[15:28] (pause) Like I said to her, I said, why can�t I just tell you about my night without it turning into a lesson or something? (pause) I�ve got something in my eye. Sorry.

THERAPIST: Do you need saline or something.

CLIENT: It�s like a � got it. [16:18] (pause) and work has been really exhausting this week, which is fine, but I just feel really tired I think from the whole week. And, I don�t feel � I�m just not � still not sure what to do to feel better about my life here. [17:24] (pause) and I just feel like a broken record. [18:33] (pause)

THERAPIST: I know you�re very unhappy. The weather sucks, your train was late, your friend�s being vindictive, your mom is being critical, dismissive to you while she�s sort of going nuts over your brother. And it�s feeling like same old, same old to you. [19:23]

CLIENT: Yeah. Basically.

THERAPIST: On that I�m not yet sure what to say.

CLIENT: Maybe it�s a lack of sun. I don�t know. Meanwhile, nobody from my dad�s side of the pond I�ve spoken to in over a week and my dad hasn�t called or whatever, but I haven�t called him. I�ve been busy, but I guess, whatever. [20:22] (pause)

THERAPIST: I think it�s pretty clear that you�re pretty miserable and stuck.

CLIENT: Right. I mean, I like, want to go see � I need to go see my grandma this weekend when I go, but I also am avoiding that, because it�s just kind of depressing, I guess. I don�t know. I don�t what to say to her. I don�t know how long to spend with her. I am kind of tired of going to do that visit alone. I mean, I�m just never there at the same time with my family, but (pause) It just kind of feels like my brother is off the hook.[22:03] I don�t know how he � I�m sure he doesn�t feel like, oh yay, I�m off the hook. I don�t have to see my grandmother. I don�t have to do whatever. But it makes me feel like I�m picking up a lot of slack like when I suggested that he come and help shovel my mom out and then she acted like that was the worst possible thing I could have suggested.

I know he�s always taken care of the house and the cats and fucking work and helping my mom. And Stephanie even, she helps me especially since she�s taking advantage of her upper hand or whatever. It just feels like I should just be � It�s like asking me to google some kind of fucking birth control for her. Why can�t you fucking google it. Really? And when you get to work, please do that. Ask your boyfriend to Google it. (pause) I just � it�s still this feeling that there�s not really anybody to take care of me. And my mom is the only one that I could say is. You know she feeds me and helps me with laundry and whatever. But even that is like � I have to facilitate that happening. It�s not like she�s like bringing me stuff or laundry or whatever.

THERAPIST: You seem less so now as you�re starting to talk, but maybe also part of what was going on at the beginning of the hour, you seem to feel a little bit shut down. [24:05] And I imagine there�s a piece of that, that�s like, I think really you�re pretty upset and I imagine pretty worked up about some of this stuff. But I think you�re also worried, I could imagine you might be, about talking about it with me, because like what everybody else is doing when you try to do something for you or be there for you or be there for you or take care of you. I mean, I�m not saying overall it�s going horribly, but not in what you�re describing.

CLIENT: No. That�s right.

THERAPIST: [24:45] I don�t know if I�m going to like, put it back on you?

CLIENT: Maybe.

THERAPIST: Or it�s just going to go nowhere and feel pointless.

CLIENT: Right. It just feels like a broken record. (pause) And I still feel like I�m always having to pretend stuff. [25:42] Like, pretend at work. Pretend to Stephanie that I�m not feeling really regretful of even having told her because of the way she�s acting now. Pretend to my mom that I�m not spending money or something. I don�t know what I � Pretend that I�m okay being single. Pretend that, you know, whatever. It just is � (pause) and it�s because I feel like, really repetitive and really a sad story that I feel the same as I did last year and that I still am harboring so much anger and resentment towards by you. [26:55] (pause) Then I feel bad about that and feel like I have to count my blessings and whatever and put things in perspective because it�s not so bad. I have my health, I have this, I have that, and you know, whatever. But then why don�t I feel better or something. I don�t know. Like, that doesn�t make me feel better. It just makes me feel worse because I�m like the asshole. [27:43]

THERAPIST: Well, I think there�s a pretty good reason that it�s hard for you to sort of enjoy or feel better because of some of the good things you have, which is � I think you get worried about feeling close or feeling positive parts of relationships that you�re in, because I think you anticipate it will feel like a setup, or you�ll be caught off guard when you�re disappointed. [28:50] I agree it was a shitty comment for your mom to make. Absolutely. But I think what happens is that kind of smudges out some of the good things you otherwise feel between you. You know, like, I know you feel she still loves you.

I don�t think that goes that far, but I think there�s a way that when she says it. It�s like, fuck her. Nothing there. You know, I clearly can�t fucking rely on her to help or be there for me. And I�m not trying to excuse what she said, but I am saying I think it�s not that you have this big, explosive ADHD reaction and get pissed at her. I think it�s also that it sort of quickly covers over and in your mind hopefully protects you from being hurt again in quite the same way. And it probably something similar with Stephanie. We should stop for now.

CLIENT: Thank you.

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