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CLIENT: I�m very happy it�s Friday. It�s been a really hard week. It�s been really busy at work and I�ve just been tired and there was a lot of school work this week and I felt really overwhelmed and I didn�t really � so on Monday I didn�t get home that late, but I thought oh, if I have an assignment due on Saturday � I mean, Thursday, then you know, this is my only night to chill. So I didn�t really do much. Went to bed kind of early and then on Tuesday I worked a little late, and then got home and I didn�t do work for some reason. Oh, no I did do some reading. Like I had � so I didn�t read the assignments for the week fully and I had reading. Then we had to do this like, describe � pick a goal that�s adaptive, not technical to work on through the class through what we�re going to learn about. [1:37] And the readings this week were about a thing called ITC maps, immunity to change. It�s part of this whole Bailey thing, theory, right, of the development thing. And so the assignment was first to pick this goal and also get opinions of some people who know you well on what would be beneficial to work on. And I didn�t see that was due on Wednesday, and I was used to already Thursday due dates only, and Saturday.

And so I didn�t get the reading done in time for that. Then on Wednesday, I came home wanting to do that but I was really upset with myself for having not read it and felt overwhelmed and alone and felt like, I don�t know. I don�t know how people do this. How can you have not free time? And then also I was upset, because this is defeating the purpose of why I chose this class specifically for this semester in terms of actually trying to utilize the theories to help me with my issues. I was like, but if I�m working with due dates, and panicked and it�s rushed and not what it was supposed to be and it feels like it�s defeating the purpose, or counterproductive even. And so I got really upset then I woke up yesterday really upset still, and I was crying a lot. I think I�m hormonal this week. So, whatever. That probably has something to do with it and I�m taking 20 milligrams of Celexa which might take a couple of days to kick in. So I�m feeling a little better today. [3:37]

THERAPIST: When did you start that?

CLIENT: Monday, I think. �Cause I�m supposed to do it a week before my period or the five days or whatever. And I got in a big fight with Stephanie, because I mean yeah like, I�m sorry. When I get in really horrible moods I send her messages to vent. It�s just she got really mad at me. She feels like this friendship is one-sided, and that everything she tries to suggest, I don�t listen to and I�m not practicing self-awareness in terms of how I�m laying my issues out or what I�m talking to her about and how stressful am to her. [4:38] And Just basically stop being a pussy just because I have a few crazy weeks.

Her whole life is that way. She wakes up every morning crying. She�s the wrong person to talk to, �cause this is how her life is all the time. And that she cries over our friendship and me more than she does over Aiden (ph) and I�m thinking, well it�s not normal to have a relationship where you�re crying all the time anyway, so I�m not in competition with Aiden to see who makes you cry more. Good, I�m that I make you cry more than he does. And that we just need to take a break, maybe. But then she feels guilty being mean to me and I need to stop making everything suck for myself and everybody else. [5:37] So that happened yesterday morning. And then, I went to work and I�ve had � and I worked a little also on Wednesday and also last night, �cause we had events every single night. You know, I�m also preparing for the new girl to get here, doing a lot of other stuff. We found out the executive director announced her retirement. And so we�re getting a new director and executive director now. Not Miriam (ph). Miriam is associate for development and strategy.

THERAPIST: She�s under the director, �cause I�m the executive director?

CLIENT: She�s under the executive director who�s under the director. So the director, executive director, Miriam and director of finance. Kind of like the same level. And they actually offered pretty much the position along with the new director and some of the other faculty directors we have. Basically we�re like, yeah we want � we think you should be the new executive director. [6:44]

THERAPIST: Who?

CLIENT: Miriam. And then got all excited and was thinking of how to restructure the team so that maybe me, her and Betty, like, they wouldn�t hire a new associate director of staffing and development. She would do that as well, the executive director. She would have my position more of a manager position. Then like, two days later the new director says, actually I think we need to post the position and see who we get. And I have someone in mind as well. She�s been at this level for 12 years, almost 13.

THERAPIST: Miriam?

CLIENT: So this was like a huge slap in the face, and they also offered it to her. So now she�s also one outside the door crying at (inaudible at 7:21) and we�re going to be bought. So there�s also like, things are feeling a little shaken up at work. That�s a big change to have our entire managing directorship, everything change at once.

THERAPIST: Yeah. �Cause I�ve gone through them (inaudible at 7:43).

CLIENT: I mean, I�m not far behind her. As soon as I can find a job, you know. So everybody�s feeling a little weird at work. I�ve been busy and preparing for the new assistant on Monday. And then I still couldn�t do this assignment, because then the assignment on Wednesday, I was going to do it today, because I didn�t do it on Wednesday. Then, yesterday, I don�t have time to do this. And this is so reflective that I can�t do it between people coming to my office or in between � or like the due dates with this pressure, �cause I�m working. And it�s one thing if you�re just taking classes and you�re just dedicating all your time to classes, but I�m not. But I also am tired all the time because I have a job. I don�t know how people do this.

So I e-mailed the TA 1,000 times in a panic. And these TAs are studying. This is their thing, so they want to be therapists. [8:45] It�s fine, but I definitely � it� was like Viv (sp) you know, I can�t do this with these due dates. Maybe I should drop it. Maybe I should take it when I�m in a better place. Maybe I should take it non-credit so I don�t feel as much pressure. But I can�t do this when I�m overtired. I can�t do it when I get home at 8:00 p.m.

THERAPIST: Okay. So I wonder if you�re missing something a little bit. Maybe that�s not why � I mean, of course the circumstances that you�re talking about make it much more difficult to get to work on the assignment, especially as compared to if you were devote to it unquestionably. However, I wonder if what�s going on is the problem. So I mean, somehow I first thought it was okay, you�re saying it�s supposed to be a self-reflective paper about something you�re having a problem with. But you�re having trouble getting to it, because first you didn�t remember the deadline. Then you were so frustrated and upset. You�re feeling so harried and hemmed-in by everything, that you couldn�t get to the assignment.

That sounds like the problem. [10:43] In other words, I think there�s all this stuff that�s getting in the way of your being able to engage with what you�re struggling with in a way that perhaps you tend not to want to see, but rather sort of think in terms of the difficult and frustrating circumstances that get you really upset and derail you altogether. So it�s kind of like with Stephanie. You want her support and friendship and stuff. And you send her these venting text messages. I understand you need to vent. It�s not that I can�t imagine why you do that. Again, I would imagine that at this point you know that probably doesn�t work so well with her.

Really, it blew things up which again, may be the problem. You know, that you seem to be blowing up these opportunities that you have to engage with what you�re having trouble with.[12:11] And, to stay focused on the circumstances that get you so frustrated and so exasperated that you can�t really think much or engage much with other things that are upsetting you. Or even, in a way how those things are upsetting you beyond the fact that they are in those circumstances. Does that make sense?

CLIENT: Kind of. I mean, probably. I just don�t feel like I�m not really processing it.

THERAPIST: Okay, let me try again.

CLIENT: I feel like it�s circular in that I end up venting to her, because I am frustrated with this stuff. And then I�m frustrated that I don�t have anybody else to talk to, or that I don�t have anybody there to help me out or something. (pause) [13:32]

THERAPIST: The first thing that got me thinking about this was when you said, you know, Stephanie was the problem. And I got to thinking to myself being reflective and so forth. And I forgot about the assignment that was due and I got so frustrated and upset that I had missed the deadline, that I couldn�t get started on it. [14:42]

CLIENT: Not even that. It was that I was so frustrated and upset that I didn�t even have time to � It didn�t feel like I had time that I missed the deadline.

THERAPIST: So it seems more like you are playing out the problem than finding time to reflect on it.

CLIENT: So what�s the problem? I don�t know. I e-mailed my brother to weigh-in, �cause I got some people to weigh-in. And he said in all caps and exclamation points.

THERAPIST: Weigh in about?

CLIENT: The first part of the assignment was to see what they think you can improve on. And with all caps and a million exclamation points, to be less critical, he writes which then just got me more upset.[15:25] Because that wasn�t even what I was thinking of. I was thinking less reactionary, less prone to �

THERAPIST: I mean the problem evidently seems that you couldn�t� get to the assignment.

CLIENT: Well in that scenario. Like, in that scenario, but that�s not what I want to work on. My goal isn�t to like, get better working on assignment.

THERAPIST: It is. The problem with Stephanie was that you couldn�t actually have an interaction with her where you could get her support.

CLIENT: You mean because it was via text?

THERAPIST: No, because you texted her something that blew everything up. I mean, she has a ball in that, too. [16:09]

CLIENT: Yeah. What does that have to do with due dates?

THERAPIST: Okay, let me put it another way. You seem to be sabotaging yourself. You seem to be saying, I want Stephanie�s support, I want the support of this class in thinking about my issues. But instead, what happens is that they�re just pissing you off and leaving you less time and space to actually think about what�s going on. And you yourself seem to have an active hand in bringing that about.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: I imagine you don�t usually miss deadlines in classes, or at least you know when they are. That�s something I can imagine you being on top of pretty well. And, you know, I know this is mixed with Stephanie, but you know her pretty well at this point. You probably know what�s likely to garner you more support and more likely to get her pissed off. So you seem to be setting yourself up. [17:26]

CLIENT: Well, I�m working until 8:00 each night. I mean, that�s work setting me up. Like, how am I supposed to find out due dates then? I don�t know. I�m feeling defensive right now. I feel like you�re saying the same thing as Stephanie. Like, stop making everything stop for yourself.

THERAPIST: Oh. No, that�s not what I�m saying. I do think you�re undermining yourself, but I don�t know why and I think there are important reasons why, and I certainly don�t think it�s as simple as � and I guess quite unsympathetic to say, you know, just fix it or do this to yourself.[18:24]

CLIENT: Then I guess I�m confused about what you mean by your comment that I�m sort of sabotaging myself.

THERAPIST: Well, you were really eager to do this assignment, because you thought it could be personally helpful as well as, you know, about like learning content and moving yourself forward academically, which I�m assuming most of your assignments do.

CLIENT: But we didn�t get the assignment until Monday, so I couldn�t do it over the weekend.

THERAPIST: I also think you�re wrong. I don�t think I�m setting myself up. I think I�ve just got so much going on �

CLIENT: That�s what I think.

THERAPIST: I, you know, I just can�t. My fingers are all on the threads, but I lost this one. This is what happened.

CLIENT: Yeah. That�s how I feel. I think if it were any other assignment, I would have just done it. Who cares? Just to get it in on time. But because I�m doing this because I want it to actually be helpful, I don�t want to do it in a rushed way. [19:42] You know, I don�t want to do it when I�m tired at 8:00 when I get home and I�m eating dinner. Whereas, with my World Religions class that I took �

THERAPIST: You wouldn�t have cared so much.

CLIENT: I wouldn�t have cared. I would have been yeah, blah, blah, blah, Judaism.

THERAPIST: However, I think what you ended up with was worse than doing a rush job. I mean, not because I�m evaluating you, but because I imagine you were more frustrated with yourself and less satisfied than if you had spent, you know, a shorter amount of time doing �

CLIENT: But I got so frustrated. This is one of the problems. I got so frustrated, I couldn�t even do that. It just felt like this huge weight on my chest. [20:21]

THERAPIST: Right. I think we�re more on the same page. I think that�s more likely to happen when you�re doing something that�s really for yourself. I think that�s really too bad. I�m not sitting her saying, so geez, stop doing something so (inaudible 21:020). I�m saying, there is some way it can be very hard on you to allow yourself or to make space for things like that that really matter, and that, you know, are important to you. Whereas, things that are less important are easier. Do you know what I mean?

CLIENT: Yeah. I just don�t know what to do about it. (pause) [22:00]

THERAPIST: Okay. So again, I guess I imagine I�m feeling a bit to you like Stephanie as well saying, look, here�s where you�re falling short. You know, sucks for you.

CLIENT: I don�t know. Yeah, I guess. I find myself blamed by you a lot. Like, basically if you were here, none of this would be happening, or something. Even though I know that�s not true, I just hate that it has been a year-and-a-half and I�m still all fucked up about him, and hate him and miss him and don�t� know what to do about trying to find somebody new. You know, if you were here, then he would sit with me and help me get the assignment done. (pause) [24:03]

THERAPIST: I guess at the moment it�s me who apparently is making you feel you�re just doing more things wrong. But he wouldn�t make you feel you were doing things wrong even if you were looking, as the assignment apparently asked you to do at something you have difficulty with, he would help you feel okay enough that you could think of something you�re having difficulty with, rather than making you feel, as I think I and Stephanie are. Like, if you think about something you�re having trouble with, it just means there�s more the matter with you. And I guess that�s because it would feel like he really cared about you and he was really invested in you.

Whereas, I imagine Stephanie and I feel sort of � It probably feels just, in a way, more defensive and kind of self-absorbed. Like, she doesn�t want to deal with you. I think that�s how it seems to me you feel, or kind of how you feel about her. And me, I imagine I feel sort of clinical and like I�m just putting my finger on where the trouble is and saying yeah, it�s your bag. Go deal with it. [25:37] So if I do that, it makes you feel worse. Like, I�m not actually trying to help you with it. I�m just trying to point out something that makes you feel bad.

CLIENT: I guess overall this week has just felt very lonely to me. (pause) And my mom�s in New Mexico visiting her friend and having a great time, which is great.

THERAPIST: I can see how that also makes you feel more alone and that�s not really what you need. I think also with your � Actually, you�re really worried about feeling like I am here to try to help you or that if I�m playing gout something you�re having trouble with, I guess I imagine that in a way you kind of know that I�m not doing it to make you feel bad, or that I�m doing it because I imagine that if we sort of think more, if we can�t talk more about it, feel better about it. And you�ll be kind of be up to kind of work with it in a way that�s less frustrating. But I think it probably feels dangerous to you to � I think honestly sort trust me in that way. Or be in touch with that sense of where I�m coming from, because I think you�re worried about me letting you down. And I think you�re worried about finding out maybe it isn�t true. [28:25]

CLIENT: Yeah. Maybe.

THERAPIST: You know, I�ve always been like, maybe you�re worried about � I think you�re more worried probably even more so that you�ll become attached to me in a way that you feel like you�re really depending on me and it�s very frightening.

CLIENT: Yeah. [29:28]

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 29:30) you�re actually very alone. I�m not saying you don�t� feel alone. I don�t doubt that. But I think in a moment it could also be that you�re reminding yourself that hey, you know. You don�t want to feel more than this much connected to me.

CLIENT: Well, it�s kind of like it�s just, you�re just my therapist.

THERAPIST: Which means what, exactly? I mean, okay.

CLIENT: I mean, well, just like � Yeah. It�s helpful talk about stuff. Like, you�re not going to fix anything for me, and also like, you�re not the person that I call when I�m having a bad day. Or be there for me when I need to do my homework or whatever. But then I felt like, well neither is Stephanie. You know. Neither is my mom. And then I just feel alone.

THERAPIST: Well, you also feel like I�m not actually here to really talk to you about what you�re having trouble with, and that I�m just going to point to it and walk away. [31:15]

CLIENT: Well, yeah. So I still have to deal with it.

THERAPIST: I guess to me it seems turned around that I think if I point at something that you�re having trouble with, it feels so � It shuts you down, because it makes you feel like I�m just telling you there�s something more wrong with you as opposed to feeling like, oh, there�s something or a different way of looking at it, or whatever. Maybe that will actually help me to do something with it, or help us to get further thinking about what I can do, or something like that. We should stop.

CLIENT: I�ll see you on Monday. Have a good weekend.

THERAPIST: You, too. Take care.

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