TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Ready for wedding pictures?

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: Can I sit next to you?

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: [inaudible]. They're like right in order. I think that's important to me. Maybe we talk while I put them in order.

THERAPIST: Sure.

[00:01:00]

CLIENT: So I felt like Wednesday was a breakthrough.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause). Not so much because how of like how I felt here, which is good, but mostly because of how I felt afterwards.

THERAPIST: I see mostly from the stuff we were talking about towards the end. (pause)

[00:02:00]

CLIENT: The thought like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

THERAPIST: Good. (pause)

CLIENT: Does it make sense why?

THERAPIST: Um, (pause) I think so, yeah. I mean my understanding is that some of what has come up that seems important is the way you feel kind of off balance on your own with certain sorts of feelings, and that it was very clear that in a [inaudible] way that was happening between you and me in a way that I wasn't really clear about, but I think obviously I wish I had been and um,

CLIENT: I didn't really talk, I didn't really communicate it to you.

THERAPIST: But I think.

CLIENT: Before, I didn't really like know that that was parts that felt like really felt it was missing.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Of all the things I could be thinking about all the time I think about you, and that is a pretty, it's pretty, it's just like really charged. [00:04:00]

CLIENT: The amount of time I spent with how I feel about it. (pause).

THERAPIST: And I don't usually ask things like, and what have you been thinking about?

CLIENT: That's right.

THERAPIST: Over the last few days, like I just did.

CLIENT: Are you asking me?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Um, (pause) that was a weird way to ask me.

THERAPIST: I would

(Both chuckle).

CLIENT: I have been thinking about how (pause) [00:05:00]

CLIENT: Good I felt after our session on Wednesday, and why. And I have not been thinking about you any less, but there is less of a pang of [inaudible] when I think about you. And I guess I have been thinking about, like how I feel about the fact that something that I do could make you sad. I think I really like that. I think that may have been really important. [inaudible] [00:06:00]

CLIENT: Okay, this really isn't in order, but at least the days are in order. I also feel like there is just huge life events, like happening between our sessions, so it really does feel like a long time.

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

CLIENT: I talked with Jeremy for awhile about like whether he, the way that he reacts to my feelings about you. Overlap, what it usually is, is overlap and anyway it was the way that my mom reacted that day that summer.

THERAPIST: Um hmm. [00:07:00]

CLIENT: And he was like there is some similarities in the way that I feel about how he reacts, but I don't think that there are really any similarities between the way that

THERAPIST: Like I think [inaudible] is the same for you, but probably not the same, what he is doing, what she felt.

CLIENT: Yeah. But for example, like he said on Monday, I was expressing frustration at how when I talked about religion barring how you brought up my dreams and he was like we could just talk about the dream on Wednesday. I was like ERRR!

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: That sort of thing feels like (pause) he is just missing or it's not clear.

THERAPIST: I would say he does not get the point, but him not getting the point, doesn't get important things about the value for you of our time, in that moment anyway.

CLIENT: And the nature, and how it makes me feel to have time away and but our time is all good. So he was like does Wednesday feel really far away? And I answered yes, it does feel far away. Does Tuesday feel far away? Tuesday morning does not feel far away, but Tuesday night feels far away, and why? Because like Tuesday was a 12 hour day in laboratory, and I'm like mentoring an undergrad, and a rotation student, and I gave a talk yesterday, and prepared for the talk on Tuesday, and had a meeting, and cancelled a big talk that I'm suppose to give in 2 weeks, and (pause). Yeah I don't know what else happens, like lots of big things happen every day. I think I like it that way, but it still means that Monday to Wednesday is a long time. It's a lot of individual thoughts about you.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: It's a lot of time to be thinking obviously. (pause) [00:10:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah I mean this is the way that I'm [inaudible].

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause). It's the way you've chosen to be in my life.

THERAPIST: How do you mean?

CLIENT: (Clears throat) Have either be making choices that would make your way of being in my life a little different, from the way it is. Right?

THERAPIST: Yes. [00:11:00]

CLIENT: So I guess that's pretty central to the way I feel about it. Not like it's just the way it is with you. This is the way that you want it to be.

THERAPIST: [inaudible].

CLIENT: And in that way the cruelty is really clear, so like you doing something to me that feels cruel. (pause)

THERAPIST: [inaudible]. [00:11: 45]

THERAPIST: I get a hint of you by some important stuff there. Those are for the pictures. What would you like to do?

CLIENT: I don't have time for the pictures.

THERAPIST: Well then let's go.

CLIENT: Okay so the wedding was Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday morning wedding. I was too traumatized and sick Monday morning to show up.

THERAPIST: Hm hmm.

CLIENT: So I got pictures back. Um I really like you have this, and I chose pictures that like to show what it's like to be. So this is like beg me over, I'm being feed like 6 different meats that you only make at the wedding time, and my aunt, my dad's siter made everything. Yeah.

THERAPIST: So who is who?

CLIENT: That's my grandfather. That's my mom. This isn't a good people picture.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's mostly like yeah okay. This is going to take forever if we talk this much about every picture.

THERAPIST: Okay, all right. Should I keep flipping?

CLIENT: Yeah you should ask questions, and I'll decide what I think is important to say.

THERAPIST: Okay, and what should I do with the pictures after? Should I put them down or give them to you?

CLIENT: You can put them down.

THERAPIST: Okay, like this to keep them in the same order?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: It's okay there are like 5 copies.

THERAPIST: Okay, so that's you and your mom.

CLIENT: This is the inviting the Gods to bless the wedding ceremony. And you will notice that the bling gets like more and more. So my mom only has like 2 necklaces on.

THERAPIST: You guys just want to be

CLIENT: All gold. (pause) That's my Dad's [inaudible] mom who was burned alive when he was 8, and that the turnirack thing where she gets her blessing through the handprints of my mom in turnrack. And there is a picture later at the end of the wedding where we like ask for a blessings from her via the handprint.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. This is where? Are we still on Thursday?

CLIENT: Friday morning.

THERAPIST: Friday morning.

CLIENT: This is like my mom's way of being always.

THERAPIST: Is that part of your mom right there?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That's pretty cool.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: This your brother?

CLIENT: That's right.

THERAPIST: That's a pretty awesome picture too. [00:16:00]

CLIENT: This one?

THERAPIST: Yeah, um hmm. Yeah it just makes you guys look joyful and close.

CLIENT: That's [inaudible]

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

CLIENT: So this is like there is gift giving at every one of these things.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: So this is like him getting me the gift on behalf of someone or the other.

THERAPIST: Is that Jeremy?

CLIENT: That's Jeremy.

THERAPIST: [inaudible].

CLIENT: That's Saturday night and Friday night. This is the meat of the evening is song and dance, and a roast skit that night our families wrote about and performed. And we like sat in that chair, which was draped with Marigolds, and we just watched, and were serenaded. [00:17:00]

THERAPIST: And are those, am I seeing more bling?

CLIENT: Yeah. That's a different gold necklace, and yeah that's more.

THERAPIST: And this is in your yard at home?

CLIENT: This was in our yard.

THERAPIST: And we are not remotely going to get through these, but that's okay.

CLIENT: There are like cousins, there are three groups that performed dances, this is one of their dances. This is in the [inaudible] style, an [inaudible] classical dance. And like all the dances had, there was like love and marriage in meaning, or you're leaving your home going to a new home. That was the theme of all the music. [00:18:00]

THERAPIST: Now is she, now does she dance seriously or is she doing this because

CLIENT: She dances seriously, and she choreographs. None of the other people in the dance do not dance seriously, and did not dance seriously that night either. (pause) This is in my 3 and a half hours of Henna application before the night started.

THERAPIST: Saturday night.

CLIENT: Friday night.

THERAPIST: Friday night. I always wondered how it's done, but you don't have to

CLIENT: It's a just a plant extract. It's in a tube, kind of like an icing tube.

THERAPIST: Yeah but it's incredibly detailed and like intricate.

CLIENT: Yeah. The artists are incredible, and it's all improvised.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Like they just have it in their head, it's like painting.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: So these are like various different women who are singing goodbye to me, basically Friday night. That's my grandmother, [inaudible], my aunt, and then like women in our community that we've known. So people would come and go off of this stage, and really had a ball, like Jeremy and I were totally in the periphery. Like we were like an afterthought. People just like let's sing this, do you know this one?

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: I think I remember the tune. It was mostly women at first and then the men came up.

THERAPIST: [inaudible].

CLIENT: I don't know. Saturday morning, cleansing and like removing the evil eye ceremony, where I get termex rubbed all over me, and then there's also this intricate gift giving from the women, like my mom to my dad's side. [00:20:00]

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: So like all my mom's brothers gave gifts to my dad and his sister.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And who is that?

CLIENT: This is a great family friend who I grew up with.

THERAPIST: You look like you are having a good time.

CLIENT: It was pretty fun. Yeah they, I started to get pretty done after this.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: Because there is like no breaks, and I also didn't know how to take a break. Like now if I'm alone in a room, it's so great. I can just like be and breathe and sit, and when I was alone in a room here I was like uhhhh. [00:21:00].

THERAPIST: Yeah, and I would imagine you were pretty committed to being sort of being the best possible kind of hostess that you could be.

CLIENT: Yeah. Actually I was never allowed alone in a room. Trying to think. I did not, so what was function about this was that 3 of my good girl friends from college basically bathed me after this. So I like didn't even bathe alone, which is how it's suppose to be. They sort of, they don't really let you be alone. They.

THERAPIST: Everybody.

CLIENT: Um hmm.

THERAPIST: [inaudible]

CLIENT: Um hmm. I really did not like the smell. [00:22:00]

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: This is the night, that's just like a nice illustration of what it felt like the whole time.

THERAPIST: You look pretty happy there.

CLIENT: I was happy. I was really happy the whole time, but you'll see my smile starts to strain, but I'm, even in the worst times I

THERAPIST: You're smiling.

CLIENT: I smile, and it's frustrating that you say that and that other people say that. Like I can't help but smile. (pause) I have never not been able to smile. So the fact that I was smiling, I don't know what it means. I think it means that I was happy, but I don't think it means I love it. [00:23:00]

CLIENT: But again, the wedding hasn't happened. The night before party hasn't happened. So I did feel pretty fresh. So then there's like a big party the night before, and it was like the pizza truck and beer. I was like on my feet, connecting with every single person there the entire time, and there were no pictures really taken because I did not stop moving. I did not see Jeremy that night either. I saw him for one kiss.

THERAPIST: Like was that intentional or?

CLIENT: I don't know, he was just doing his thing with all his people, and I was doing my thing with all the people.

THERAPIST: Okay, right. It wasn't like the thing of the two of you being honored.

CLIENT: No. [00:24:00]

CLIENT: So this is Sunday morning, and this is slightly out of order, but this is my Aunt's hands, and this is like some special ceremony that we were suppose to do with this goddess. The mother goddess, who is like underneath that pile of flowers. I don't remember much else about it. (pause)

THERAPIST: This is a really awesome picture.

CLIENT: Um hmm.

THERAPIST: What's going on?

CLIENT: The ceremony that I just described. I don't know, this is another thing where it's like hey, we have to do this at this time of day. I think it was at 10:30, with this person, and my zone out is gonna be there. [00:25:00]

CLIENT: And, I had studied like so much and the meaning of many of the things, and there was still lots of stuff that has been just like got bottled up with the momentum, and just took off. (pause) So this is in our house. This is like the prayer

THERAPIST: The [inaudible].

CLIENT: It was a peaceful place to be.

THERAPIST: They did not take any pictures of you. [00:26:00]

CLIENT: This is like a couple of hours before that. (pause)

THERAPIST: The bling is getting bigger.

CLIENT: So heavy.

THERAPIST: Oh really?

CLIENT: So heavy. Jasmine, raspberry fragrance.

THERAPIST: She's tickling you there?

CLIENT: This is the woman who retired, who dressed me, and like this is one of the points in the wedding where my mom is so sad, like later that she wasn't there. But no one was there in this room, it was just like me and this lady for awhile, and I did not think that that would be something that I cared about, and I don't know [inaudible]. [00:27:00] (pause)

CLIENT: Pretty cool.

THERAPIST: Yeah you have this like kind of like I would say it's a glowing look about you through a lot of these, like just like almost ecstatically happy.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Maybe it feels, maybe I was ecstatically happy and the other thing I was doing was total exhaustion. So I was constantly choosing which one to favor, and I almost never like listened to the exhaustion part. [00:28:00]

THERAPIST: Um Hmm.

CLIENT: I was like really worried that I was gonna faint, so that was what was on my mind a lot of this time too, and like

THERAPIST: You were getting anxious from being just exhausted, from just something?

CLIENT: Often. (pause) So I was doing that, Jeremy was being basically like [inaudible] live drummer, you'll see in the next picture, and he was basically being like heralded by his family and friends and like most of my family and friends too.

THERAPIST: Would they have known?

CLIENT: Yeah [inaudible]. [00:29:00]

THERAPIST: You've been here from [inaudible].

CLIENT: Yeah he's [inaudible]. He's a tall guy for per Indian clothing, so when we went to buy, when he went to buy a lot of his clothes just, it was really. It was a great thing that he was so tall, like congratulations to me. Like no one ever follows this guy. That's the dhramy (sp) He is teaching people how to dance Bhangra style.

THERAPIST: Bhangra, what is that?

CLIENT: Bhangra is a Punjabi dance and drum style, which is just like a really hard beat. Where you just like bounce to the beat basically. It's a hugely popular genre in music in India. [00:30:00]

THERAPIST: I have seen a little bit of Indian classical dance, [inaudible].

CLIENT: These are all my cousins on different sides of the family, and they are technically suppose to be with me or but everyone wanted to be here.

THERAPIST: Which is where?

CLIENT: In our front yard. Oh yeah I did not do any set routines pictures, but there is like this really cheesy gate.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And this is our driveway. The tent is back here, and the house is here and they go all around the house to the tent in the back. [00:31:00] (pause)

CLIENT: So this is like 80 degrees and for like an hour they were dancing.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: That is a very shy guy.

THERAPIST: Oh really? So for him to be out in front of everybody

CLIENT: Yeah this was pretty amazing, and he loved it. He surprised himself.

THERAPIST: That's awesome.

CLIENT: But he does like say no to the horse. He said no to the

THERAPIST: Did you want the horse?

CLIENT: No. I mean if he wanted the horse I would have wanted it, but. No you can't ride a horse because your wife wanted you to ride a horse. You have to want to ride the horse.

THERAPIST: No I was a little curious whether you

CLIENT: I think it would have been fun.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: He's also suppose to be wearing this huge hat, but he said no to that.

THERAPIST: Who made the hat?

CLIENT: The turban.

THERAPIST: Now I haven't seen your dad yet, does he make an appearance?

CLIENT: Yeah. The rest, yeah okay we should move past here then [inaudible] more in there. This is a good shot of the front yard. [00:32:00]

THERAPIST: So that's the front of your house, like it's [inaudible]. How many people were there?

CLIENT: 200. Alright, so these are my parents awaiting Jeremy and the whole

THERAPIST: So that's your dad.

CLIENT: That's my dad. That's a child like [inaudible].

THERAPIST: Yup, yeah he does a pretty god job supporting that right there.

CLIENT: Pretty much, but he is what he is too.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: And he gets that like yeah. It's not just because I'm getting married. He is like oh my ladybugs are here.

THERAPIST: I bet the wattage was a little high over because you were getting married.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: [inaudible]. [00:33:00]

CLIENT: I wasn't part of this, and I couldn't see, but from the pictures, and there are a couple of handheld videos, this was a pretty incredible moment. Like the throng of people. There's so much excitement, and it really did climax at this, I guess the next picture. The next few pictures. Like you hear this huge cheer, and like everybody is like just so psyched, and like here's a tape that like. You'll see more of this.

THERAPIST: Okay. So this is like you're getting ready to make your appearance.

CLIENT: So he makes his appearance, they do a ceremony on their own, and then I make my appearance, like 40 minutes later.

THERAPIST: Whoa. [00:34:00]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: [inaudible] Did they do well in front of your dad?

CLIENT: Yeah. I think my dad is frustrated at Jeremy's lack of careerism.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: But that I think [inaudible]. I don't think it's good that he's saying that.

THERAPIST: Um hmm.

CLIENT: Their like colored flame, flowers, various symbols, and various different gods of vicious things. That's my grandfather, my mom's dad. Who is a priest and an entomologist. [00:35:00]

CLIENT: And he's saying the invoking prayers. Incense weeds.

THERAPIST: Yup. You were like offering [inaudible]?

CLIENT: Um hmm. (pause) You sense that?

THERAPIST: [inaudible] You have until about 5 after.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Uh, there she is.

CLIENT: There she is.

THERAPIST: There she is. Wow. That's pretty awesome. [00:36:00]

CLIENT: Yeah. My parents do not like that sight in this picture.

THERAPIST: Oh okay. I couldn't tell they looked like it might just be emotion, but they don't like that sight?

CLIENT: Well I asked them. Hey, why are there no smiling faces in any of these pictures? Their like we are not supposed to be smiling. We are like coming to bring our daughter and give her away. Parents don't smile in this picture. Okay. (pause) Then there is like this eternity of standing on either side of this clock while.

THERAPIST: I see it because you cannot actually see each other.

CLIENT: No. While various members of the family and our friends sang these gorgeous very sad songs, like wishing us well. [00:37:00]

CLIENT: It felt like the longest 10 minutes of my life.

THERAPIST: Wait, I'm sorry, we need to go back to the longest 10 minutes of your life here. Um, they are signing the gorgeous sad songs, and that felt like the longest 10 minutes of your life?

CLIENT: Yeah. I was like, like if I'm gonna faint it's gonna happen now. I was so anxious, and I was like rocking back and forth.

THERAPIST: I have no idea history but what immediately jumped into my mind is that it's the sadness that you, I mean everything is calling for you to sad and you cannot do that [inaudible]. Although I think that you probably in addition to feeling overwhelming joyous, felt incredibly sad.

CLIENT: Yeah. I did not access that then.

THERAPIST: Yeah I imagine it came through as an anxiety. [inaudible] about fainting.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: But it's gone here.

CLIENT: This is pretty cool. Another thing that is cool is that my mom's 3 brothers are supposed to hold up the cloth, and they're short.

THERAPIST: Uh huh, (laughing) [00:39:00]

CLIENT: So there's a lot of like switching hands on account of my brother coming in to help, so there is a lot to pay attention to, and Jeremy was poking me through the clock, which helped me a lot.

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: People were throwing things at him. There was a lot of giggling and laughing, which really helped me.

THERAPIST: That is just a fantastic picture.

CLIENT: Yeah that was so cool. Then we adorn each other with garland.

THERAPIST: Oh I see that's what you're holding. Yeah I couldn't really look the past the smells that matches to those flowers.

CLIENT: And everyone is about to throw rice on us. Which is like what they are holding even before that. [00:40:00]

CLIENT: I think that this is my favorite picture. (pause) I think because of the way I felt. I felt really safe at that moment.

THERAPIST: I imagine you felt really connected to them.

CLIENT: Um hmm. I was connected to them.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It was just us, nobody else but him.

THERAPIST: I should stop. Um, I wish I didn't have too, and thank you so much.

CLIENT: Thank you. [00:41:00]

THERAPIST: It's really a joy for me to [inaudible] (pause) And yeah I mean I know a bunch of things about the wedding, and what it might have looked like from things you said, but [inaudible].

CLIENT: Would you like to see the rest of them at some other time?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Absolutely.

CLIENT: Thank you.

THERAPIST: No problem. Thank you. [00:42:00]

THERAPIST: [inaudible] be helpful.

CLIENT: Bye.

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