TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Okay good, can you hear me?

CLIENT: Let me get my headphones on real quick. I’m just; I just got home and I was going to walk the bike over to the cemetery and ride around for a bit. I’d talk at home, except we’re getting a new bathroom remodeled, so the bathroom is being torn, well the upstairs bathroom is being torn apart right now. Which is kind of cool, actually.

THERAPIST: What are you guys doing to it?

[01:28]

CLIENT: Okay, wait, hold on. New vanity. It’s going to be…hello?

THERAPIST: I’m here.

CLIENT: Sorry, sorry. It’s a new vanity, new counter, because we had a Formica counter, so now we’re getting…we looked at all these various things, so we decided on Corian. It’s durable and it’s not as cold as granite. They were assuming we were getting granite. They kept saying, “Get the granite.” So apparently it’s marble; it’s stained. That’s not good for a bathroom.

I think the Corian is made by DuPont, but it looks like marble. But it’s got a warmer feel. Anyway. And it’s going to be painted and then shower’s going to be redone and it will all be new. All the new hardware. We got two handles for the shower and also for the sink.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. Wow. The whole thing.

CLIENT: It’s going to be a complete overhaul.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Alright. How are you feeling about it? Did you…?

CLIENT: I’m okay with it. I’m sort of neutral. It’s sort of like it’s happening and it’s fine and it’ll be good. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay.

[02:59]

CLIENT: But yeah. I mean the whole lead up to it, I mean we discussed. And the idea I’m not contributing to it, so it affects me. It’s sort of our thing. I’m not paying for it.

THERAPIST: Mm hmm.

CLIENT: So it’s not mine. Not my $11,000.

THERAPIST: Right, right, right.

CLIENT: Anyway, there’s that.

So today, you know, there’s all that anxiety of like going back to school and things, you know. I’ll try to be positive about it and all. What I’ll do is I’ll, I’ll like prepare and so doing a lot of preparing and trying to be positive and trying to be like really proactive about it and thinking I’m going to really do a good job. And then, you know, so I do all this planning and I go and I go shopping to get all these cool things for the kids to work on – we’re teaching circulation.

THERAPIST: Mmm.

[04:02]

CLIENT: You know, so things are going along and I get to 4th period and it’s like a girl walks in who had been one of my good students and she’s all proud now that she’s pregnant. So she’s 17 and pregnant. And sort of like [inaudible – 04:18], and then I get, everyone’s talking, talking, talking. So finally I stop mid activity and I’m like no; we’re doing [inaudible – 04:26]. Stop. You’re not listening. Then I just gave them a whole lot of notes. And, you know, so then after 10 minutes of that. I was alright, should we try again? So, you know, we tried it again for five minutes. Again, there was some talking. Alright, back to notes. So it’s just so frustrating because you do all this preparing; it’s like it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that I’m like going out of my way to do really cool stuff and I spend my own money to go buy stuff to make things interesting. It doesn’t matter. I can just get PowerPoint for an hour every day. It doesn’t matter.

And you know, you’ve got kids who can’t do math. You’ve got kids that can’t listen. It seems like we’re doing pulse. So it’s like, okay, everyone start. We’re going to call our pulse and we’re going to do it for 15 seconds and I’ll tell you when to start and I’ll tell you when to stop and then multiply by four.

[05:27]

So I got a kid who, oh by the way, they seem surprisingly out of shape. I don’t quite get that. Like my heart rate while I’m standing and yelling – not yelling but – like I’m standing up talking and my heart rate is lower than theirs just sitting there, which I don’t quite understand.

So I got a kid who counted 19 for 15 seconds. Mine’s 19 just standing there and talking. And they multiply 19 and I said, “What’s 19 x 4?” And he multiplied 19 x 2 and he got 292. And I’m…you know, I’m feeling is like, “Goddamit.” Like they don’t pay attention, and then they can’t even do basic math. So irritating. I was trying to be so optimistic and work so hard to really prepare some lessons and I got these knuckleheads who just can’t behave and then they can’t even do basic things.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: I mean 19 x 4. 292? I’m like what the hell. So I had to show him how to multiply. And I’m like, geez you can’t assume anything. You can’t assume that they even know how to spell their name. You just can’t assume anything with these kids.

Anyway, it’s so frustrating.

THERAPIST: It’s a crap shoot.

CLIENT: It’s so frustrating. It’s like what is the point. What is the point?

THERAPIST: You know, when you would counter that, when you counter that, what are you…what’s in that frustration? What do you find about it? Like what do you…what do you sort of…?

CLIENT: I feel like; I guess I’m mad. I’m mad at the school because I think, it’s like seriously. I mean they put such a wide range of people in my class. The only class that’s relatively homogenous is my 1st period class. It’s biology, but they’re all relatively motivated except for one girl who’s crazy. But even she has her act together lately.

So what’s frustrating is like there’s this big push, the taxonomy, rigorous thinking. I’m like yeah, love it. Absolutely. But you’ve got kids with significantly interrupted education. You know. 17 coming in to the country and they have two years of education. They can’t do math. They can’t do any English. They can’t do any Spanish. They can barely do Spanish. And I’m like we’ve got kids, who like, who know everything. They’re smart, their English is good. And I’m like they’re in the same class. We’ve got kids who are getting bored. You know. Like you know how to do pulse, which is not hard. And I’ve got kids who can’t even do that. It’s like [inaudible – 08:40] check her pulse. They can’t do it.

[08:45]

CLIENT: So I’m just mad at like; I’m mad at, I don’t know, these expectations. It’s like we’ve got to teach all these kids and it’s got to be rigorous thinking. And I’m like, goddammit. Seriously. They don’t behave. They have no skills. And you’re going to be always pounding this drum rigorous thinking. It was tachonomy. I’m like what? Tachonomy. Jesus Christ. I mean they can’t do shit.

THERAPIST: Yeah, right, right. It’s a long way to go to there.

CLIENT: And you create stuff and you explain things, you even model things. And I’m like, first of all, they just have to read and understand and be able to sit still longer than 10 seconds to let anything get in, because if they don’t know the basic ideas, how are they going to create models and explain and describe?

THERAPIST: Mm hmm. Yeah, what I hear too, is that it sounds like an element that’s very frustrating about it is, at least in this particular situation that you’re describing is like how kind of, you describe what kind of feeling like; well 1) You were kind of feeling, I guess maybe you put it as anxious. And then you felt like, alright, I’m going to get myself…I’m going to get excited about this. I’m going to put myself into this. And then like there’s that sense of like when you described the pregnant girl of the guy that can’t multiply; is that it really is…it takes all of the kind of the excitement out. And I mean not only is it frustrating and the feeling like I can’t, I’ve tried to share something about…I’m trying to kind of include them in something; something I want to learn that I’m excited about and they can’t do it. In fact, they’re completely like unable to. There’s like a total obstruction.

[11:20]

CLIENT: Goddam, Frank, you’re right. I mean, I just sat down. I’m sitting at that little carved out tree copper coated thing in the cemetery staring at the pond. I had to look underneath to make sure there were no snakes, first, though.

THERAPIST: That’s reflex [inaudible – 11:41] is there a snake underneath there?

You know it’s so much different. What I’m reminded of is how you would talk about…talk about how…you would bring a lot of enthusiasm to the kind of the first aid/CPR type of training. And how you felt like what was nice about it was not only could you find a way to find the topic exciting and interesting, but you could help them find it too. And like today being a day where you like, you had some major road blocks, and that really sinks you. I mean sometimes. Not, you know, times I guess.

CLIENT: Yeah, because I guess you’re getting beaten down. So you’re just like, alright. This is just the way it is. It sucks. But yeah, bringing to it, a break and thinking, okay, I’m going to take my time, whatever my time is, but what I classify as my time is like my vacation.

In order to also make my life easier, also to reduce my own anxiety, like I’m going to throw myself into it. And…

THERAPIST: Yes.

[13:09]

CLIENT: And then it’s just met with, I mean the first period it went well and I had them all; I had them in groups and I had them measure out a liter of water and had five groups. They filled up a big bucket with 5 liters and they didn’t know why they were doing it. And then I walked around and they had to hold the tub of water and I said, you all have 56 liters of blood. And then put yourself on a scale, feel how heavy this is. This is the amount of blood you have inside of you. And I wanted it to be real to them, right, and I put my hands in the water. And you know how you do in the pool, how you can squirt water with your hands; to be able to suction and squirt water.

THERAPIST: Mm hmm.

CLIENT: So, you know, I put my hands in the water because I was showing them how the heart pumps and I put my hands in the water and I shot water all over the room and they were amazed that the teacher was actually like getting everything wet. And I was like if you’re shooting water, if you do this, you know, forcefully, you’ll just get rid of all the water because you lose about 5 liters per minute. If you keep doing it, you’ll get rid of all the water. Just keep squeezing. But if I do that, the room’s going to be totally wet. You know, the kids were interested in that.

[14:17]

And then the next period, the math class, I was thinking Zeno’s paradoxes and doing the tortoise and Achilles and how Achilles could never catch the tortoise and what’s the false assumption. And the metrics theory. I gave them this project. Who knows whether they understood or not. But they were at least seeming like they were. They were doing something.

And then 3rd period came along and that was alright, although difficult shenanigans. Then 4th period. Goddamn. Just like what in hell. You know and then I felt like I don’t know. There was that feeling of like I can’t believe that I spent Friday and Saturday and half of Sunday, like marching around and buying stuff. Buying stuff to do interesting things with the kids that I, it’s like they…it just doesn’t work. It doesn’t work.

And meanwhile, I’m being evaluated. Are you meeting high expectations? Yeah, fucking really high. You know, I have very high expectations, but what do they have? What do they have? Like it’s not all me.. What do the parents have?

And then goddamn Pamela walks in and she’s like, everyone’s like touching her belly. And I’m like fucking hell. Seventeen. Seriously. She’s like happy as a clam. I’m like seriously? That’s your mentality. You’re just 17 and psyched to be having a baby. Like Jesus Christ.

THERAPIST: What did you associate with that? Kind of like, is there something about her not really thinking about what her life is going to be like? That kind of thing?

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: [inaudible – 16:25].

CLIENT: Thinking about, thinking about, it’s like she’s…now it’s going to be some other kid who’s getting support.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay.

CLIENT: I’m like she’s going to not finish high school. She’s going to just sort of drop out. And she’s going to be a goddamn burden. I feel like I’m getting more and more conservative. Like, it’s so irritating. And sort of like everything’s fine, right. It’s okay not to study in school. It’s okay because it doesn’t matter whether you finish high school or not. You know, everything’s okay. []

And you know, I know I’m one to talk because I’ve had mass help and I know all of that. So I’m one to talk. But it’s a way of life. It’s, for them, it’s just like the idea of work is just nothing. There’s just no inclination. I know, you know, I certainly went through those few years where I was doing something very similar. But for looking for something to do and not, you know, again, I [inaudible – 17:33] a, you know, middle class malaise, I suppose. But, you know, to them it’s like Jesus, it’s just like you can see the cycle repeating itself. You can just see it happening. Just like don’t go to school. Generations of shit.

THERAPIST: Uh huh. Yeah. It’s something about it that’s really infuriating and frustrating to watch unfold right in front you.

[18:12]

CLIENT: You know, and honestly, like I feel like she’s just been a pain in the ass lately. Yeah, I suppose if I was working 1:1 with her I could be more sympathetic. But as far as I’m concerned, she is one kid in one class and she used to be a good student and now she’s not. Sort of like screw you. And now you’re going to have a baby. You know, I’ve got other kids to teach. And, you know, if they want to have babies…she’s like goddamn; they’re all, you know. I don’t know. It just feels so pointless. I mean what are they going to do with all the matriculation. I’m looking at her and I’m thinking she of all people better understand it. No, so [inaudible – 19:05].

And like [inaudible – 19:08] better be great. You really need to know this stuff.

Anyway, so it just feels like a total waste of time; just a total waste of time. And now I’m sitting in the cemetery and my bathroom’s getting worked on. Sort of like I can’t go home. I don’t know what to do. I mean, huh. I don’t know. I’d love to watch the hockey, but that’s not going to happen until Thursday or Friday. It’s like there’s not even on the sports to watch because baseball sucks. And plus there’s no distractions. I mean there’s Donald Sterling, but that’s pretty much like that story, you know, what’s there to say. He’s just a racist. There are no issues in sports that are distractions at this point. I don’t know.

THERAPIST: Nothing to like buffer you from all this stuff?

[20:04]

CLIENT: Nothing pleasurable. Nothing buffered. I don’t know.

Yesterday I went to the gym and just worked out really really hard. I really just wanted to sleep. That’s sort of my point. Like I want to work out hard for its own sake, but I really need to exhaust myself so I can sleep well last night. I don’t know. I don’t know. Stuff like, I guess I could go to the gym. You know, run on the treadmill and I don’t know.

Yesterday I was watching, I had NBC sports on so I watched Chelsea play Liverpool in the premier league and it was so nice just to be transported. It’s like Formula One is that way, but just to be transported. Just to watch people who are very enthusiastic and in Liverpool. It was almost like I had gotten on a plane and I just went away for a couple of hours. Watching a sport that I don’t normally watch knowing that is #1 team vs. #2 team and who was going to win the premier league depended on this game…well, in part. Three games left. I don’t know, it’s weird. I don’t know.

And then so this thing, right, so I need to get my passport renewed because we’re going to go to Europe this summer. And that’s a good thing. And yet, fine. I need to get my passport. So I need that to happen quickly because we need to reserve a ferry []. So I called the State Department and I’m like I want to go to the Waltham office, but the problem is, you know, in order to book at the Waltham office, you have to have travel plans within two weeks. And that’s the only way you can expedite a passport. And I said, well, but the reason is I can’t reserve a flight; I can reserve a flight, but I can’t reserve a ferry. I have to have the passport quickly because otherwise I’m not going to be able to get a ferry, and what’s the point?

[22:47]

So then…

THERAPIST: You need to reserve it by…you’ve got to have your passport just to reserve it?

CLIENT: Yeah, so in Europe, you have to, you enter a passport number [inaudible – 22:59]. You can reserve, you know, you can reserve it. So like no. So I’m like alright. So what if I say that I’m going to, I’m traveling to Helena May 12th. And they said are you traveling into Montana on the 12th? And I said no, but I could because you need proof that I’m traveling. And I said, so what prevents me from just going to Priceline, or whatever, Kayak, and just getting a hotel in Helena and then printing it off and then saying, yep, I’m going to Montana on May 12th. I got to get my passport. And he said, “Well nothing.” And I said, “Well, that’s great. I guess I’m going to book a hotel in Montana.” So that’s what I did.

[23:59]

So I’m sitting there in school and I just want to, okay, cheapest hotel in Helena. So I find this thing for $22. You get a bed in a six bed male rooming house. So there are three bunk beds in a room, a 12 x 10. You get one bed, $22. And I’m like yep, I’m not going anyway. It doesn’t matter. I’m booking it. And tomorrow I’m going to call and go down and book an appointment so I can go downtown Waltham to say, yep, going to Montana. Need my passport. This is proof. Got a hotel room. Total sham. So anywhere, there’s that. Anyway, I now have a hotel room in Helena on May 12th.

THERAPIST: And then you, yeah, you can also just cancel it, right?

CLIENT: I’m going to cancel. Exactly. It’s like I told the guy, I said, so basically I had to lie to the government to get a passport.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: He said, well you could go to Helena. I said, yeah, well I could, but I won’t.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So anyway, there’s that. Watching English football, feeling like getting away, now I have a hotel room in Helena. I need to get my passport. Kids are irritating. I guess I’m feeling that I don’t know where my center is. I don’t know what to do at home because the bathroom is being repaired. The kids are annoying. I don’t have a passport yet. I’m going to Europe because I can’t be excited about it because I’m so irritated right now with this current situation. Like I can’t even razz myself up about going to Europe. At this point I could care less.

[25:47]

THERAPIST: It’s not that you’re necessarily opposed to Europe, you’re just feeling kind of like you’re not into it today and…

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s it. And also, until it gets closer, I just feel like it’s so far away. And…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And also like the way it is now, I mean part of me is just, I don’t know, would just like to go there and just stay. I mean, I don’t know.

THERAPIST: What do you say…yeah, you would like to…like what’s the shocker, right?

CLIENT: Like just yeah. Just like figure it out. I’ll just stay there. You know, which is, I mean, totally not viable, but I mean it could be.

THERAPIST: No, no, no. Are you talking, though, about like that is it somehow related to a couple of different things. One is that it’s kind of the anxiety that you feel on Sunday and then how you get out of it. And then like the kind of the disappointment that you then can feel on Monday, and also just like this kind of, I was wondering about all the feelings about, you know, the stuff being remodeled in the house and what you felt about it and is that bothersome in any way to you? Are you feeling something about that? Either that it’s changing or your feelings about it changing and how much control you have about it or?

[27:21]

CLIENT: Well, there’s that but also, just like right now, it’s like a long, not really that long, an irritating day. Like a day of just like pointlessness. I would just like to lie on the couch and watch [inaudible – 27:39] and listen to them talk about how baseball sucks and let these people call in and talk about how Donald Sterling is an ass. And it’s like that’s just what I want to do. But there’s a guy upstairs who’s putting in a new vanity and, you know, so it’s like…and…

THERAPIST: Well, I’m realizing, is it also tossing with me kind of means that you’re not free from kind of going somewhere, like that distraction that you were talking about. I don’t know how you put it. Yeah, a distraction. Just something about us talking, too, that adds to it.

CLIENT: Yeah, I guess. I mean that’s part of it. It’s not that I don’t value talking, but in a sense it’s just like, I’ve been listening to nonsense all day. And as a teacher, it really just…listening to [inaudible – 28:49] because they’re simulcast on Comcast, so I record it. So I can just start at 2:00. That’s where the commercials end and get back to something that is…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And tomorrow is like Tuesday, Jesus Christ, it’s professional development so it’s going to be more of this like high expectations, rigorous thinking. I mean it’s all I can do from raising my hand. And it’s like what the fuck, people. Like, yes, of course. But, I mean, I mean, God. I have a 19-year old freshman and all he does is smoke pot. He hasn’t passed a class in five years. For Christ’s sake, there’s no rigorous thinking that’s going to happen. He’s going to age out. I mean…it’s like yeah, reverse thinking for 1/3 of my students. The other 2/3 needs to be put somewhere and be taught how to sit still and be taught how to multiply 19 x 4. It feels so fake.

[30:12]

Everyone’s a cheerleader. Everyone’s e-mail ends in exclamation point. God help me.

THERAPIST: All like the teachers?

CLIENT: Everyone’s like, everything is so great, exclamation point, exclamation point. Went to Philadelphia!! The other kids are so great!! And I’m like stop with the exclamation points, people. Jesus.

THERAPIST: Uh huh. All that enthusiasm and stuff.

CLIENT: All that enthusiasm. Is it real?

THERAPIST: Yeah, and how can you possibly be enthusiastic when you’re seeing what I’m seeing.

CLIENT: Plus my mom; she was all revved up about my activities. She just thought what a great teacher, right. You’re doing all these things for the kids. And I’m like, yeah. I guess I’m a good teacher. Yeah, I mean. Whatever. You know, like, of course today she’s like, what’s the point. I got all this stuff, all these activities, and we’re going to make blood and we’re going to like do all these other various things, and I bought all this stuff. And got red jello and we’re just going to go crazy. I have red rope and blue rope and I’ve got red licorice and gonna walk around the room and if the kid says, I ask them what is this, an artery or vein, if they say artery, they get a piece of licorice. Why because it’s red. But you know it’s just fun little nonsense things. But it’s like something to make kids happy, right.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

[31:47]

CLIENT: You know, it’s not rigorous thinking asking a kid whether it’s artery or vein and giving people licorice. But it’s like it makes people happy and it sort of gets you through the more advanced stuff, right.

Anyway, so talking to her and she’s all about this stuff. And honestly, I mean, I could care less about…it’s like when in Rome, right. Like if you’re teaching 14, 15, or you know 19 year old freshman licorice is kind of what you need. Meanwhile I’m thinking, Christ’s sake. You know, like they really have to know about the sodium potassium pump and they really did know like some real biology.

THERAPIST: You’re kind of pretty far from that.

CLIENT: That’s an artery. That’s a vein. Oh, that big red thing’s an aorta. It’s like, oh, fuck me. So you have to do some real biology. I do found that I do believe in rigorous thinking; it’s just they can’t do it.

So, anyway, then I was talking my mom and then she recommended this show called Life Below Zero. And I did not know of Life Below Zero, so she said, “Well, Life Below Zero. They are people who live near the Arctic Circle, but they’re on their own. And there’s a woman named Susan, but,” and she said, “I call her Susie Q.” It’s like a crush. My mom call’s her Susie Q. She goes, “And Susie Q, she lives by herself 163 miles north of the Arctic Circle in a quonset hut and she likes opera and she always says this.” She goes, “You’ve got to know your place in the food chain.” She goes, “The bears are up here and I’m somewhere down here.”

Anyway, my mom goes on because she’s so funny, and describes the show and all the various personalities. So then I finally, On Demand, just go to National Geographic, and watch the first episode of the 3rd season, which is the current season, and watch Susie Q. She goes up to kill a grizzly bear. And I thought, okay, these people are a little nuts living out way the hell in the middle of nowhere. I mean off the grid doesn’t quite capture how far away they are from nothing. And yet juxtaposing my current experience today, Susie Q, who lives 163 miles north of the Arctic Circle and has to fend off grizzly bears, it’s like I kind of feel like we’re in the middle of nowhere fending off grizzly bears right now because it’s authentic; it’s real.

[34:36]

You know, you can have some time to yourself. You can read books. I don’t know; I guess I couldn’t [inaudible – 34:41] because there’s no Internet up there. But that’s a problem. I don’t know.

THERAPIST: No, I hear what you’re saying.

CLIENT: That solitude, and to actually be able to think and live with oneself as opposed to looking…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I don’t know. And then…

THERAPIST: As opposed to what? What were you about to say?

CLIENT: Well, so then after…so then the kid; there’s a kid. His name is Jordan. And Jordan is sort of like this ideal motivated student. He’s so eager to learn. So eager to learn. And genuinely I like Jordan, but the problem is Jordan close down class. Because you have kids who are just in slow motion; you’re talking and they’re not grasping and meanwhile, he’s always asking these very nuance questions, but his English is not good. So it takes forever; it sucks the life out of the class because he’s asking interesting questions, but I can’t understand what he’s saying, right, because trying doing English.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

[35:57]

CLIENT: So today he’s fixated on Steve, even though I haven’t talked about Steve in three months. And he’s like talking about interviews and life and he beginning of the universe. And I don’t want to tell Jordan, like, well, why don’t you actually ask me after school. I don’t want to totally put him off. But I’m sort of like I just want to say like Jordan, you have such good questions all the time. But I’m talking about the heart right now. I can’t talk about the big bang. Jesus Christ.

So then comes after school trying to talk about the oxygen atom and where oxygen comes from and how there is all this energy in oxygen. And I’m trying to like explain to him, well, there’s not that much energy in oxygen. And he’s like trying to know where the oxygen atom comes from. Meanwhile, this is happening in very, very slow English. And I’m just like, God, I wish I was fluent in Spanish; I could like just solve this problem in minutes.

So then I’m like, between my Spanish and his English, and meanwhile, I’m trying to print off my passport application, I’m irritated as all hell. And I’m just thinking here I have this really good student and yet I just want him out of the room because I don’t want to talk about the Big Bang Theory. I don’t. And he’ so slow, and he’s so earnest. And he’s such a good student. And normally, I feel like, of course, I [inaudible – 37:30] student I want. But anyway.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, I was just thinking that there’s something like, it’s almost like you’re describing a lot of ways like this kind of real breakdown that happens between teaching and the other person learning on the other side. Like it somehow; it really, I mean what I was thinking about is how much…I mean this is going to sound like somehow Buddhist or something, but you need a student to be a teacher. You need a good student to be a good teacher. That like in some way you can’t bring that enthusiasm; you can’t bring that excitement or interest in the classroom unless you’ve got somebody who’s going to really receive it. Otherwise, it’s a wash. And even right down to this guy who has, who might even have the interest in being receiver receptacle for it and be, and give something back by doing so. He can’t do it because of his English. Like there’s almost…you’re sort of stymied at every turn is what you’re describing. I mean like in a way the natural instinct is to like go yeah, I just want to be alone then. I don’t want to have…it’s better than having the perpetual frustration of trying to, trying to teach and not have someone who you can be a good teacher with. I don’t know how much of that plays into it, but I mean that really sounds like what you’re describing.

[39:21]

I guess the other thing, Brian is that I’m curious about is just that anxiety that you feel the morning beforehand, you know, the night before and the trying to kind of get, like what’s that about? What goes on there? We’ve been touching on it, do you have any thoughts about that this weekend?

CLIENT: Well, this is the thing, right. Like as I said before, teaching the first aid and CPR is somewhat complicated, but I loved it.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I was always revved up. I thought it’s a show. Right. And I always…I don’t know, tried to bring humanity to it and tried to bring thoughtfulness to it and tried to bring this explanatory thing. Because you know, really, I think I was good about people’s false assumptions on things. And people always, even though they’ve heard this stuff before, people always were sort of moving forward. People were interested. People asked questions. People were engaged. And so…anyway, I would look forward to it because it was entirely positive, right, and it’s always an adventure, right, because I was going to drive somewhere new. And it wasn’t boring. Even when I taught the same thing over and over.

So teaching high school students; yeah, there is that sense. Right. Yeah. I mean I like what you said, right. I mean you need good students; you need a good student to be a good teacher. There’s that feeling, I suppose, of they’re young, they’re annoying in their youngness, and that they have to take a class. Right. They have to take classes. And they’re at that point in their lives. They’re just endlessly distracted. And you have to answer that mindset.

[41:45]

I don’t want to be in that mindset. I don’t want to be in the head of 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19 year olds. I don’t want to be in that space. All I want to do – unlike a lot of female teachers who be like, “Oh, the kids!” All I want to do is teach math and teach biology because they in and of themselves are interested. And if a kid doesn’t want to learn it, well, in college, you would, you know it’s like don’t text, don’t use your computer. Just be in class and either does your homework or you don’t; and you either get a good grade or you don’t. And that’s on you. But in a lecture hall, you’re going to be paying attention. And so like I’m going to do my thing and you can grab it or you cannot, but either way, you’re not going to interrupt me.

Well, kids, that’s all they do. They interrupt and they talk and it’s like I can care less about what they’re in to. I don’t…so there’s that. Right. There’s a sense of like doing pretend, right. Because like there’s this sense of like valuation. Right. Are you engaging the students? And I’m like, are they engaging the material? I mean it’s like…

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

[43:12]

CLIENT: You’re just walking into something that doesn’t work. And meanwhile you’re being judged. And meanwhile you’re looking at kids, sort of like, they’re grasping 10% of what you do and they’re also just like learning things incorrectly. They become fixated on things and just like, I don’t know. They’re just; like…I don’t know. You get bogged down and there are these little minor things and they don’t get the big picture because they’re fixated on small things. Or they don’t get to be, whatever; they don’t get the detailed…they don’t know how to study. I don’t know.

THERAPIST: What is it…it sounds like kind of pressure of the judgment kind of exerting itself upon you. What is the judgment that’s like in your…what do you…?

CLIENT: Well, you get evaluated, right.

THERAPIST: The evaluation.

CLIENT: Yeah, evaluation, right. You have to see all this crap, you know, that shows how good you are. You pat yourself on the back and submit all these things that you’ve done. And then people come into your room and there’s all this critique about them. You know when you’re sinking. It’s like every teacher. You know when you’re sinking. And…

THERAPIST: Yeah.

[44:46]

CLIENT: You know, and I feel like I don’t want to talk to the teachers; I just feel like I’m not that into it. All I want to do is just teach. And the kids who are in front of me who are willing to learn, I will go all out for them. And then when the class ends, it’s over. And that’s the way I want it to be. I will be as engaging as possible, and when the bell rings, it’s done. And they have their homework and they learn and they come and they can ask me questions. No one ever comes and ask questions.

You know, so I don’t know. It’s not that it’s weighing on me like, you know, the state of America and how bad education is. But there’s an aspect of it, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know, driving down the street in Dorchester and someone is just parked; no hazards. It’s bad enough they’re double parking, but they don’t have even have their hazards on. I drive by, you know, and I look in and I’m just like, I’m like of course they don’t have their hazards on. Of course they’re double parked. Because they’re morons. And these are the people who are going to somehow manage to get driver’s license, even though they can’t read English, and they are going to be…I look and I think, yeah, this is what 2/3 of my students are going to do in their future. They’re going to double park without their hazards on and think it’s accessible. And it’s just…argh! It’s aggravating. You just see it.

[46:33]

And so meanwhile, there is snowing in real time right now, but you know, you think when you’re driving along it’s like, you know, no responsibility. You know, no, no, they’ve never studied even one paragraph of utilitarian philosophy like no, you don’t turn left when it says don’t turn left. Why? Because it backs up everything. So don’t be so selfish. So go straight. Inconvenience yourself for three minutes so that everyone can move along. But it’s like, no, it doesn’t even occur to them. It’s like it doesn’t even occur to them that you shouldn’t talk, [inaudible – 47:29] talking.

THERAPIST: Right. That’s the association. Right.

CLIENT: Well April 28th, people. It’s like you’ve been in school this long and you haven’t figured that out yet.

THERAPIST: Uh huh. No, but it’s…

CLIENT: I can’t believe I’m talking about this stuff. That’s the thing. I feel like even we spend all the time talking about just this and, to me, this is venting, but it’s the same stuff I vent about because I can’t stand it.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. Yeah…

CLIENT: You know…

THERAPIST: Yeah, go ahead.

CLIENT: Well, it’s like and the kids who do get it, it’s like good. You know, now you know. You know, that’s good. [inaudible -48:15] likes you better for it. I already know this material. I’ve already been edified by it. I mean so I’m glad you get it now too. I mean really. Good. Let’s move on. Now you need to know more stuff.

You know, it’s not like I’m feeling like, oh it’s so great. Now I understand the circulatory system. It’s like, well, they should. I’m not the only one who told you about it. I’m so irritated when they don’t because they can’t sit still.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And it’s the school. Right. They’re undiagnosed for all kinds of crap and plus they don’t speak English, so therefore they’re not diagnosed for anything else. You know, so it’s like, oh, they don’t speak English, oh. That’s their major issue. That’s not their major issue. Their major issue is they’ve only had one year of school and you know, their family is screwed up. And meanwhile, rigorous thinking, rigorous thinking.

[49:14]

THERAPIST: Yeah, there’s that kind of that whole kind of glossing over the problem with these kinds of Pollyannaish kinds of victims or something like that. Something like where they’re telling you, hey, let’s do this, do that. Yeah, what I think is; what I’m thinking, too, is that gosh, you know, we’ve been talking so…I think we’ve been talking pretty centrally the last few weeks about, I think, some of the ways that, you know, you’ve been kind of having this experience a little bit with Barbara, how we’ve been talking about some of the problems from feeling like…yeah, how much can Barbara…sorry; I can barely hear…all those geese.

CLIENT: Sorry, I’m walking away from that as we speak. I know it’s very…

THERAPIST: No, no, it’s okay. Yeah.

CLIENT: No, I know. When I talk to my mom and she has the dogs barking in the background, that’s all I can do from screaming at her. It’s like shut them up. Jesus Christ. I’m walking away from them now.

THERAPIST: It’s better now. I can hear. But I was thinking a lot about you and Barbara, and in some ways, I don’t know; I’m not going to chalk it up to it’s sort of like displaced kind of thing on to the students because it’s really happening with the students. But I’ve been thinking that we’ve been talking so much about some of the frustration you feel around kind of the way you feel you can kind of connect with Barbara in certain ways; how much she’s receptive about certain things.

And I think, you know, you know it’s interesting because I think like one thing that was happening that I was hearing, and again with the students in the beginning, was like an excitement about wanting to connect; wanting them to kind of, you know, for the two of you to kind of relate to each other. And you know, it’s funny, I don’t, not that this isn’t something that you and Barbara do experience, but I don’t hear you talking much about her as an avenue for that. Her as an avenue for like, hey, we’re…I get that kind of excitement; that reciprocal thrill that I get in like the CPR class, or the tone of like we’re relating in some way that I feel known and I don’t know; maybe I’m stretching here, but it’s just the sort of stuff that’s coming to mind that kind of…I wonder what it is all about.

[52:05]

CLIENT: Yeah, it feels like passing time, doesn’t it?

THERAPIST: No, it’s not that as much as it is it’s curious, because some weeks, you know, we’ll talk and you’ll feel like yeah, it’s frustrating but I’m wondering like, in other words, I’m kind of curious what is it about now that really raises all this frustration too, about something that is there a lot of time but can kind of be foreground or background. And I, you know, yeah, anyway.

CLIENT: Well, maybe I’m missing the idea. But it feels important. So clarify it please.

THERAPIST: Yeah, is it like, does like the feeling of frustration that you’re feeling today with school in any way, you know, come from, you know, more, the frustrations we’ve been talking about more in general with the relationship with you and Barbara?

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: Not to say that it’s created out of, you know, it’s something that you created but rather like it seems to be something that really occupies your attention when it also might be being experienced elsewhere. You know, the whole…does that make sense?

Maybe I’m stretching, but it’s more a way for me to think that I’m just trying to think of yeah, I wonder why today? Why today this is really coming up for you?

[53:40]

CLIENT: Yeah, well, I’m just not, that’s the thing, right. This is the thing, right. It is clear that I am bored and, you know, the relationship is not exciting. It just sort of goes along. You know. She’s always really being productive and she’s like probably sitting there taking care of business. And she’s always like; there’s always some task and she has a list of things to do and she does them and she checks them off. And it’s like; like just relax.

There’s this feeling of like, like there’s always something to be done. It’s like meanwhile she doesn’t understand the worker [inaudible – 54:38]. There’s all that. Like yeah, not being…I don’t feel gotten by her and I don’t feel gotten by my students, except for like two of them. And so there’s this feeling of just, yeah, maybe that’s why I feel like listening to [inaudible – 55:00] because it’s like I don’t know them, but I get them. I would say similar things, right. It’s sort of we’re the same age and an equal sort of irritation. And I love how Vince just like goes ape shit over stuff and I’m like yeah, totally. Right. You know, anyway.

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: It’s…there’s that connection of that conversation, right, and they express things that I would like to express. But you know, it happens in the realm of sports, but, you know. It sort of…it can be said about other things.

THERAPIST: Yeah, but it’s somebody identifying with you. There’s another that identifies with your experience. Yeah.

CLIENT: And there’s analysis, right. And then there’s like a lot of analysis. You know, it is amazing. On sports radio, good sports radio, you know, there is, you know, a good level of analysis. You know, I would stack it up against NPR talking about Chechnya, you know, in terms of critical thinking. It might be more sulkier than someone from the BBC, but there’s, you know, a similar level of analysis, even though the topics would be and they’re, perhaps, trivial. I don’ t know.

So yeah, I guess, I don’t know. I don’t know. You know. I feel like I like talking with Barbara, although it’s painful in some ways. It’s sort of like a reminder of some other life, right. Like, because Barbara’s so smart and Barbara is so funny. And Barbara always has the right thing to say. Right. And Barbara is like my summer lights. And she’s known me throughout all of everything, right. And you know I look and I feel like, I mean…

[57:21]

THERAPIST: And there’s that connection with your mother too. Yeah, you mom had a…

CLIENT: Absolutely. You know, and then Ethan’s fun to hang out with and so I don’t know; it’s just whatever. I mean I’ve said this so many times before. It’s like maybe that’s why I’m not super revved up about going to Europe. I’m like, Europe is great, but it’s not like I’m going by myself.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Which, I mean it’s horrible to say. That’s sort of like, Jesus Christ, even the complaining this small about why you didn’t…

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: But it’s just that inertia. It’s like how do you, I don’t know. I mean at some point…I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know. There’s this one thing, everything is just plain. It’s just like do this, do that, do this, do that. There’s a list of things to do and there’s a, you know, you got to do this, you got to do that. And you have to prepare for the bathroom. You’ve got to take down the shower curtain and you’ve got to undo this, you’ve got to undo that. I could care less and I’ve got to do this crap.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

[58:35]

CLIENT: It’s typical lament, right. It’s like, okay, wife has a list of things to do and you’ve got to do it. Nobody wants to do it, but you’ve got to do it because that’s the way life is. You know, it’s like the Progressive insurance commercial, you know, where the wife asks the husband if he’s looking at insurance on the computer, and then he looks over again and she’s morphed into the woman in white with the putty bouffant hair do. And the kid, the girl, looking the same way. It’s like both girls are looking and they’re dressed in white, and they look like Flo. And it’s sort of like it’s such a quintessential thing. You’re just trying to relax on the couch, and then it’s like the woman has something for him to do. Just like, my God, it’s so tedious. But who knows. It’s stuff you just have to do. Like really. Is that what life is? A bunch of to-do’s? Like, for what? So what happens at the end of your life and you finished checking off all the to-dos. Like what happened in between?

THERAPIST: Right, right. Right.

CLIENT: I mean is that all we are is doing crap. I mean you get a new bathroom. About how much of that adds to our lives?

THERAPIST: Right. I think that…

CLIENT: Makes it look nicer, but so what?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Well, listen, I do need to stop, but yeah, yeah. I think there is, there is something about the kind of the complicated nature of your relationship with Barbara that exists around some of those things that she does provide are important to you and yet they can also mean that a lot of the things that you’re also looking for aren’t provided. Somehow the repetitive, the things that you do list means yeah. Okay, things are taken care of and responsible, but does that mean you have to lose the vitality too? I think that’s somehow how it feels. The zest as you’ve called it, you know. Yeah.

Anyway, okay, listen. Pick up next week.

CLIENT: Yeah, I know. Just one final thought.

THERAPIST: No, go ahead.

[1:00:48]

CLIENT: Like over the years, I feel like we’ve, like, I feel like…part of me sometimes feels like when we talk, there’s, I have this awareness of like this is just like…part of me feels like this isn’t what you bargained for, right. When you go in to do what you do, the depth of thinking about all of the rich [inaudible – 1:01:13] that is psychoanalysis.

This conversation that we’ve had is probably you know, in teacher speak, not exactly rigorous thinking. You know, because this is just like, we have talked about this so many times. It’s not exactly like we’re doing some really interesting stuff because I keep saying the same stuff, and they’re sort of liking it. I mean I’m joking; you know there’s that bit in Silence of the Lambs, right, where the patient is killed.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: He wasn’t making progress anyway. Now, I’m not…I’m being funny about that, but there is a sense, you know, I don’t want to be like Jordan where it’s sort of like, Jesus, you keep asking questions and I can’t fully explain this to you. This is what you need to do.

Like there’s a short film I watched a few years ago where the psychologist found out that he was going to die in 8 weeks. And so he was saying good-bye to all of his patients. But basically he said this is what you’ve got to do with your life. I don’t have 10 years. This is basically your problem. [Laughter.] He was like telling all his patients, this is what you’ve got to do. This is your issue. This is what you’ve just got to do. And then it turns out the diagnosis was wrong, and then all these patients came back. And it’s like you were right. You were right. But they didn’t have any patients left.

THERAPIST: Ah, how about that? How about that? No. Well, no, there’s a lot to say there. Yeah, that’s very interesting. Yeah, alright, well listen, I’ve got to run, but okay, next week.

[END OF AUDIO.]

END TRANSCRIPT