Client "R", Session March 6, 2013: Client shares a sexual dream she had about her therapist. trial
TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Hey.
THERAPIST: Are you doing okay?
[00:01:13]
CLIENT: My tension is pretty thick.
THERAPIST: Yeah?
CLIENT: Do you agree?
THERAPIST: Couldn't [inaudible].
CLIENT: That's good. [00:02:06] (pause) I don't felt tense either, but I felt on.
THERAPIST: Um hmm.
CLIENT: Hopefully your writing use this as a model for my Dad's party and my wedding. I think I definitely have an agenda. But it's not like scripted or specific. The agenda is like assumed that I have a lot of control over whether are time together is meaningful or fruitful, or that we connect in a deep way, and I think that's how I approach the 50 or so people who are at the party. [00:03:44]
CLIENT: And I actually don't really do much of the talking when I'm in that mode.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: But I definitely sculpt and direct the conversation. There's definitely a lot of, I feel very anxious, but it's so positive that I haven't identified it as anxiety yet. [00:04:14]
CLIENT: Like I think there is something stressful about being around all those people, and having all those potential connections there and (pause) It's kind of like a thrill seeking state of mind.
THERAPIST: Um hmm.
CLIENT: But clearly something is stressful because I have had a similar night to the night after my wedding, which is like I did not sleep much at all and I was, I felt physically very sort of ill, and tired, and yeah cause I had to change it the next day. I felt like total obliterated. [00:05:25]
CLIENT: And took a nap, and started to take a couple days to reset.
THERAPIST: Look it made me wonder how the dream you wrote to me about fits. It seems to both. Sort of fit in with, or like kind of with the other connection stuff maybe between the party and things here, but also probably could say more. [00:06:34]
CLIENT: You were crazy in that dream.
THERAPIST: Yeah?
CLIENT: Yeah that you really wanted to talk sex with me, and was very dominating sexually.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: Not that (pause) not that we got there in the dream, but it was after the dream. Since then I have been enjoying thinking about like being dominated sexually by you. I still don't feel like I want to do things to you, but that you wanted to do things to me. [00:07:23]
THERAPIST: Oh. (pause) I didn't know that from what you wrote.
CLIENT: I didn't know it either, because it didn't. It's a waking thing. It wasn't evident in the dream. It's kind of like when you start thinking differently about somebody because of a dream. Because of what you see in a dream.
THERAPIST: Um hmm. (pause)
CLIENT: So now you know. (pause) And I have got like what connection you were trying to make. [00:08:35]
THERAPIST: Um. The dream seemed to me to make our connection that we did on Monday between the party for your Dad, and what it can feel like here.
CLIENT: Like feeling like I'm trying all the time.
THERAPIST: Yeah feeling odd. [00:09:33]
CLIENT: Um hmm.
THERAPIST: Feeling kind of.
CLIENT: I'm always excited, and when I'm not, it's really, really bad. That's not true. I'm not, I'm not excited and loud. I'm like pretty comfortable and in a different zone.
THERAPIST: Um hmm.
CLIENT: I think that's a special place, for that reason. [00:10:33]
CLIENT: But yeah, I'm excited. Things are exciting. But lately things haven't been that exciting, and it's been feeling really bad. I mean not lately, but yeah in the scheme of my life, lately. (pause) So I think I have an agenda here. I think I want it to be meaningful like every single time, like every single minute, and I definitely anticipate it. [00:11:34]
CLIENT: Like Tuesday nights are really different from Monday night, and Sunday nights are really different from Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. In my sittings I have been like imagining my thoughts about you as like sudden landmines, but then I'm walking on them in a field and other things are landmines too, but they're not really that deep, and thoughts about you are like endless. I don't know what a landmine is, I guess I'm thinking about landmines that are like sitting in really, really deep tunnels underground. [00:12:49]
CLIENT: Or like the landmine is on top and then like when it blows up I get propelled into this deep tunnel, and it takes forever to get out, and I really have to like sort of yank myself out of it, which I started to just do, and that has to happen a lot more often. I don't have to yank myself out of it if I want to be there I don't, but for the purposes of like sitting or paying attention to whatever I'm suppose to be doing, I do yank myself out. [00:13:49]
CLIENT: And it's getting
THERAPIST: So something else you're sort of tending to focus on, and the way that you're breathing or
CLIENT: I guess I'm focusing on like hovering above the ground. It's very visual right now. It's kind of like I'm, yeah just like a teeny bit removed from all of the texture on the ground, and all the landmines. [00:14:36]
CLIENT: And that's a really nice place to be in. It allows me to see like the bumps and the holes, and the colors and the grasses that I'm not stuck in them. So Tuesday nights, and Sunday nights, Wednesday nights are like full of landmines, and it's much harder to like come out of them. (pause) And there's like kind of a really nice anticipatory like counting down the hours kind of thing. [00:15:34]
CLIENT: I don't know how much of this is similar to my Dad's party. But it makes for a very (pause) extreme change. Like being pulled in one direction and then the other. It's kind of exhausting to like be here, and then like have this be the end of the thing I'm anticipating, and it starts all over again, and to be in not tunnels, and to not be in the tunnels, and it's a lot of up and down. [00:16:44]
THERAPIST: What are some landmines?
CLIENT: The first thing I'm gonna say. I remember actually saying it. Like for some reason I think a lot about what I'm gonna say first and that sort of like goes out the window. My physical position, I spend a lot of time thinking about that, and again it does not actually play out. Like remembering moments here. Specifically when you smiled or laughed. (pause) The dream, and like trying to get my subconscious to squeeze more that I didn't remember. Because it's not, it was very vivid, but it wasn't complete. [00:18:36]
THERAPIST: Um hmm.
CLIENT: So like revisiting a dream and trying to (pause) like yeah like see more detail, and hear more, and feel more. (pause) Having sex with the dream you, in the dream, (pause) I think you were much younger in the dream. But I think it's more about just like how you were acting.
THERAPIST: It occurs to me to wonder if it's like opposite of [inaudible] that's like the opposite of how actually I am when I'm here, like kind of restrained and not really letting my hair down. [00:19:46]
CLIENT: Yeah, I don't know why (pause) I mean I was like I want that to be true, or it's I feel like there is some big hidden thing that I'm missing. I don't feel like that in my conscious life.
THERAPIST: That I necessarily have that sick wild side in that way.
CLIENT: Yeah. Like I'm not sitting here like looking for evidence of that side, but something in me I guess wanted to explore it, or thinks that it is important. [00:20:44]
THERAPIST: Often it maybe just sick and tired of restraining boundaries like
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: With their rules, regulations thing. I mean what the hell?
CLIENT: I think you were having sex with a lot of people in the dream, but again the dream didn't go into that, which is super lame. Yeah you were sort of this like sexually free party being.
THERAPIST: Uh huh. Maybe he was of a PG13. [00:21:33]
CLIENT: No, it felt very adult. But yeah I didn't, its like it wasn't late enough in the night or something.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: The dream was like ended too early. (pause) Like I knew you were like going to like at some point land in me, with me, and on me. But it wasn't like time for that yet. Yeah so maybe there, that's why there was kind of a waiting, like I felt like I was waiting. [00:22:44]
(30 sec. pause)
CLIENT: The contrast feels really painful. (pause)
THERAPIST: Between that and this? [00:23:30]
THERAPIST: Hurtful or cold or?
CLIENT: Like harsh. (pause)
THERAPIST: Like I'm being harsh? Or like the setting is harsh?
CLIENT: Like we are both be harsh. The reality of it is harsh. (pause) You're being you. I guess it feels harsh. I don't think you're being harsh. [00:24:45]
(1 min. pause)
CLIENT: I guess I feel like I'm being watched here. (pause) That was a non sequitur. It wasn't part of like what feels harsh. [00:26:20]
(1 min pause)
THERAPIST: Watched in what sort of way?
CLIENT: Umm, (pause) in a curious way. That makes it feel a little bit performing it. [00:27:42]
CLIENT: It's the same way as the party. I thought guys performing. Maybe a part of it is how I watch other people, and I did not feel like I was performing it was when the Indian musicians were performing everybody was watching them, and I was watching everybody else. [00:29:10]
CLIENT: And I wasn't paying attention to them either, which was like a lot. I think I was very stimulated by all the people. (pause)
[00:30:10] [inaudible] (pause).
THERAPIST: Are you still thinking about [inaudible]. [00:30:40] But it's the lovebugs. [inaudible]. We do our [inaudible] [00:31:10]
CLIENT: I feel like I'm laying down for therapy and watch, and that they are watching me.
THERAPIST: Well there's like being the one performing and knowing you are being watched, and there is also being laying down now as you are. Like when you were watching people watching or something. Or were watching [inaudible].
CLIENT: Yeah, you didn't know I was watching. [00:32:00]
THERAPIST: And maybe, I would guess it can feel like there are ways that you would know that I am watching you, and other ways that you don't know that I am watching you. Like where I will say something that I can tell by your face that you didn't expect.
CLIENT: Umm hmm.
THERAPIST: That it could feel like being watched in a way that you weren't clear you were.
CLIENT: I'm trying to think of an example. [00:33:10] (pause).
THERAPIST: I guess I'm imagining like it's something that is just, it can be as simple as being here is knowing that you're sort of being watched and in ways that you did not intend to be, but also sometimes in ways you don't.
CLIENT: Yeah, it's pretty nice, to be surprised. [00:34:10]
CLIENT: It's also nice to watch you. Umm, maybe in ways that you don't know about or don't intend to be.
THERAPIST: True. [inaudible].[00:34:30]
CLIENT: Umm hmm, and then you move your fingers when I look over at you. You feel a [inaudible]? [00:34:50]
CLIENT: And last week when it felt like I was really throwing you off by being here during your other nuts in office routine.
THERAPIST: What was that like?
CLIENT: It was hard. It was function, but I also felt like I didn't really want to be here during that time. Was sort of like would have liked to give you a few minutes by yourself. I did not, I guess I didn't like seeing you be thrown off. But it was also nice to know that it made a difference that I was here. Yeah you can really tell when somebody isn't affected by your presence. [00:36:10]
THERAPIST: Umm hmm.
CLIENT: That's not true. You can really tell when somebody is affected by your presence. (pause)
THERAPIST: I was I think probably more effected by being late to the meeting with you. I don't think if I were on time I would have minded going through my office arrangement routine with you here. [00:37:20]
THERAPIST: But I was affected by being late to the meeting. We've have about 5 minutes.
(1 min. pause)
THERAPIST: Are you okay? [00:39:40]
CLIENT: Hmm hmm.
(3 min. pause)
THERAPIST: Both hesitant to interrupt, but I do have a question for you. How did you text me an elephant?
CLIENT: [inaudible] emoticons. The left bottom most button that when you are texting someone is a little globe, and if you press the globe a whole world of little graphic art
THERAPIST: Okay. [00:43:35]
CLIENT: And umm, I guess all the kids are doing it these days.
THERAPIST: I guess so. Thank you for that.
CLIENT: Thank you for the elephant. I am not here next Wednesday through Monday. I am going to whisper.
THERAPIST: Nice.
CLIENT: Yeah, the conference. So I was wondering if you had any time on Tuesday next week, and or the week after that.
THERAPIST: Umm, I definitely have time next week on Tuesday at 3:45.
CLIENT: Okay. [00:44:40]
THERAPIST: And I can probably, let me see what I can do, I will tell you right now. You should probably stop in. I'll e-mail you.
CLIENT: Okay. [inaudible]. [00:45:10]
THERAPIST: Have a good day.
THERAPIST: [inaudible] [00:45:30]
CLIENT: And I thought the left [inaudible] were very to the second to the left [inaudible].
THERAPIST: Oh...
CLIENT: It's in there by category.
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