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CLIENT: How was the marathon on Monday?

THERAPIST: How was it?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: In terms of watching it?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Fine. Thank you. Oh, that’s right. I was a little confused at first. I’m sorry. I didn’t come in for a few reasons. The marathon was one of them. It’s also hard to get here from my house.

CLIENT: Oh okay.

THERAPIST: Often many of the routes are closed.

CLIENT: Oh really? [00:03:01]

THERAPIST: It’s hard to get around. A lot of the roads are closed.

CLIENT: Oh. (PAUSE) I had kind of a weird conversation with my mom last week. (PAUSE) [00:04:00]

I think it was kind of triggered by... We were just sitting with some friends and I don’t know how but the subject of being beaten by parents came up or something. And I was quite at first (inaudible at 00:04:23) suddenly, I was like very mad. Suddenly, I recalled this one beating I got from my dad for stealing money from like the house. I had stolen like five rupees and... (PAUSE) Yeah. So... (PAUSE) I guess I was telling my friends like, “Oh, it was horrible and I hate it and...” (PAUSE) [00:05:01]

I think she was talking about just how like the dynamics in her family and with her brother and like how she defended him and stuff. Like her dad once beat her brother and she kind of went around her father. She said it was like to get him to stop beating her brother. And I was just like (inaudible at 00:05:29) for some reason. I don’t remember what made me recall that incident. But I was like, “Yeah. I don’t think I deserved the punishment I got and like...” (PAUSE) And my mom was like, “Yeah, sorry to bring this up but... I’m not trying to say you did a bad job bringing me up but this is... Really, I don’t approve of this.” And she kind of she... So, she started to tell the story too. [00:05:57]

She was like, “Well, you said...” Or she was telling my friend or whatever, “Cecelia (ph) said that she was going to bring home some cakes and like it was her friend’s birthday and...” So I was like, “Oh, I guess you’re trying to...” So I just remember the way that she would tell the story is very different from the way that I would tell the story. Like I feel, when she’s telling the story, she’s like, “Look at what a big old liar you were when you were like five or six.” You can just fabricate things. (LAUGHTER) Like, “You completely duped us into thinking, ‘Oh, it’s your friend’s birthday. You’re bringing these cakes,’ while, you know, all the time, behind our backs, you’re like stabbing us in the back, stealing our money.” (LAUGHTER) It wasn’t like a lot of money. Like I didn’t get any pocket money or anything like most of my friends did and, you know, it was lonely. [00:07:03]

Every single day it was tempting to just walk out the school with all those like people selling different kinds of things, little snacks and stuff. Like one day I just thought... You know, it was like a bank robbery or something. (LAUGHTER) I don’t know. You know? Just, you know, once I was, you know, steal a lot of money and get everything that I’ve been craving for years and years and, you know, have it. I don’t know. So... (PAUSE) Like... (PAUSE) And then my mom started telling the story. She was like, “Yeah, and this girl in my class was like, ‘You know, you’re daughter is buying all these things. She has all this money.’“ And then my mom was like, “Oh really?” And she was dragging me like by my ear and punished me in her classroom and then we went home. [00:07:59]

And then my dad like hit me like until I was like bleeding and peeing and stuff. And he wouldn’t let me go to school the next day. He beat me some more. So I was just like... At that time, I was getting all riled up and I was getting all angry and I was telling my friend, “Oh, you know, like... I hate my dad. I would kill him, you know, if I had the chance or whatever.” (LAUGHTER) So I was just really angry, angry. And... (PAUSE) I mean, I was aware that my mom was, you know, there and listening. You know? And so like, the next morning, she wrote me an e-mail saying, “I’m sorry this was your experience and if you want to talk about it...” I was like, “This is really weird. She never says this or does this.” But then like I went over to talk to her and she was like, “So, I’m not defending him but, you know, like he was brought up this way and his mom was very harsh with him and like, you know, she burnt his hand when he tried to steal something or held it on top of a flame. So, you know, so he told me that, you know, ‘You have to be harsh so she learns her lesson.’ I would have just hid the money. That was what I was going to do. But then your dad was like, ‘No, this is not right. We shouldn’t hide our money in our home. You know, she should be disciplined and taught a lesson,’ and all that.” [00:09:31]

And then she was like... You know, she kept going and talked about other things. And then I got really kind of frustrated with her. (LAUGHTER) I was like, you know, like, “He completely manipulated you and he gave you the victim’s narrative. And everything he said was bullshit so you shouldn’t even be bringing him up at all. And you are defending him.” (LAUGHTER) [00:09:57]

So I was kind of really, really mad those few days. (PAUSE) (LAUGHTER) So... (PAUSE) I just thought it was weird that she still kind of has this kind of trigger hang (ph) sort of thing. Like she still doesn’t... (PAUSE) Well, I guess like it’s okay to not completely hate him. I guess I don’t either completely hate him. I see the good and the bad. But I guess I feel like it’s not okay for her to do that. I don’t know. It did sound like she was defending him even though she said she wasn’t. (PAUSE) [00:11:00]

That’s all. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: But did she... The fact that she offered to talk about it, about your feelings about it felt different to you.

CLIENT: Yeah. Like she was like someone else, like acting all mature and motherly. If that’s not motherly, then at least like mature and friendly or concerned. (LAUGHTER) So... (PAUSE) She’s like, “I had no idea.” I’m like, “Yeah, you did.” (LAUGHTER) You know? “I didn’t stop him because I thought he was (inaudible at 00:11:39).” (LAUGHTER) I don’t think so. You know? (PAUSE) My reasoning is like... And I was telling her like, “You were under his spell. You know? He was the biggest child and he did whatever he wanted and you just let him. So... (PAUSE) I mean, you might have had your reasons. You know, like you might be in love with him or you actually genuinely thought that he was doing it for my own good. But, you know...” (PAUSE) [00:12:11]

You know? So... (PAUSE) Yeah. I mean, which was kind of really kind of... If I let it... If I was... Like, a few years ago, this behavior of hers would really kind of scare me and make me panic, you know, what she said about, “Oh, you know, even when we broke up, all the things he said to you, they were just out of anger.” And I was like, “Hold up. (LAUGHTER) You know? Like that moment like completely changed everything for me, destroyed my life or whatever.” You know? It completely made me... (PAUSE) ...hate him the way that I’ve never hated anyone. [00:12:59]

“And you’re saying, ‘It’s just anger. Let it go.’“ I’m like, “No. There’s a threshold and he just always went beyond and that time he really went beyond and I was... We always say it’s not okay for anyone to talk to me or treat me like that no matter who they are. Like even God cannot, you know, treat me like that.” (LAUGHTER) I don’t care if he gave me birth. You know, like it’s really, you know, it’s not okay. I’d rather him not give me birth than, you know... If you want to take it away, take it away. But you cannot treat someone like that. And I didn’t like that she was kind of like, “Oh, it’s just anger.” I’m like, “Yeah...” Whatever it is, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to deal with it. Take it away. You know? So... And I thought we were like in agreement with this, like we were one with this narrative or this explanation. [00:14:03]

But... Like sometimes when she takes a different stance on this, it kind of makes me afraid a little bit. You know? (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: Afraid of?

CLIENT: Well, that’s like... I feel like that’s our foundation for (SIGH) moving forward or our foundation since her breakup. The foundation being that we’re united in hating him. You know? And if that’s not true, then wait. What is the foundation? (LAUGHTER) So... (PAUSE) Maybe there is a different foundation. Maybe it’s okay for her to be slightly less hateful towards him than me. But... Yeah. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) [00:15:00]

THERAPIST: Well, and you’re not sisters. You have such different roles vis-a-vis him.

CLIENT: Yeah. So? (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Well, I don’t know. United in hating him sounds like you’re equals or peers or something.

CLIENT: No. But like, you know, companies and different groups are united in a certain position, parties, political parties. They all kind of take a stance on an issue or something. (LAUGHTER) It’s like that. We all voted and yes and this. You know?

THERAPIST: But she chose him and you didn’t.

CLIENT: So? (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: Yeah. But you have such different roles vis a vis him.

CLIENT: I understand that. I understand there is a bigger picture and everything and there are nuances and all that. But I’m just saying, you’re supposed to say “yes” when I say, “It’s not okay for him to treat me and you the way he treated us.” You know? [00:16:05]

“I want you to vote ‘yes’ on this and let’s move forward.” (LAUGHTER) You know, let’s close the chapter. (LAUGHTER) You know, let’s not be like, “Oh, but he was fucked up or like he, you know, he had too much whatever that day.” That’s bullshit.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I certainly don’t mean to say it’s okay to make excuses for his behavior.

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) Yeah. I do understand that we’re not sisters and... (PAUSE) ...she’s my mother and she chose him. (LAUGHTER) So... (PAUSE) Yeah. [00:16:55]

THERAPIST: And I guess I say that because sometimes the way you describe it, you sort of see yourself as two children in the situation with a parent that you can’t get away from. You didn’t have the same power, authority. You were much more helpless.

CLIENT: Yeah. But I actually don’t think of myself as helpless in that scenario. I feel like I had a lot of agency. I was living away (inaudible at 00:17:25) agency that I could have that she actually couldn’t. And that kind of... That distance just kind of gave me everything. It gave me power. It gave me like a very different perspective on the scenario that she didn’t have which was why, which was the very reason I kept telling her to leave him. I wasn’t financially dependent on them. I was independent. In fact, he was dependent on me. And I had like... (PAUSE) ...you know, a boyfriend who might as well have been God at that point. You know, he was the voice of reason and he kept saying, you know, “This is ridiculous. This is wrong. Don’t do this. Don’t listen to him.” You know? So... [00:18:11]

I feel like I had a lot of agency at that point that helped me get out of that situation. But... (SIGH) (PAUSE) I mean, helpless... I guess helplessness would come into the picture and maybe it does when I feel like, when I’m depressed and when I think about those days and think how depressing they were. I have felt helpless vis a vis that scenario. It was definitely true. I guess I felt helpless when I thought there was no choice, there was no getting out. “This is my father and this is (inaudible at 00:19:01 and, you know, this is my life.” [00:19:03]

“I have to love him and respect him.” That’s when the helpless would come in, I guess. But... (PAUSE) I don’t feel helpless when I think, “I don’t have to love him.” (LAUGHTER) Yeah. I mean, it’s harsh. It sucks. But it’s also actually very liberating to fall out of love. You know? (LAUGHTER) Kind of like falling out of love with Victor (ph). Yeah, it’s... It is, you know... (PAUSE) The opposite of love is bad. But it doesn’t have to be. It can be empowering. You know? (PAUSE) But yeah.

THERAPIST: Certainly if you’re loving someone because you feel compelled to. It can be very empowering.

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess I just felt like I want my mom to experience that power. You know? I want her to feel this... Even now... I mean, even now that it’s been eleven years. (LAUGHTER) [00:20:11]

I still want her to be like, you know, “Yeah. I made a choice and, you know, I had choices and, you know, I made it very late but at least I made it and, you know, how great is it to be alive without him.” (LAUGHTER) So... (PAUSE) [00:21:00]

(PAUSE) Yeah. It took me a while to get over my anger with her (LAUGHTER) because I was like... I didn’t like her defending. [00:22:01]

(PAUSE)

THERAPIST: And I guess I brought up sort of the different positions because if she just totally hated him, how could she reconcile with herself why she stayed?

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: I’m not saying that’s a good reason. I’m just... It’s complicated. I mean, you can hate your father but you stayed because what else are you going to do? (PAUSE)

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) [00:23:00]

(PAUSE) Yeah. And that’s... I mean, I could come up with a different narrative which is more empowering. I could say that, oh instead of (inaudible at 00:23:21) she was stuck and she had no choice and just, you know, she was imprisoned and whatever. I could say, you know, her whole life she tried to get away from him, she tried to make her and my life better despite his presence and while also still also honoring the institution of marriage or whatever. (LAUGHTER) You know, like... I don’t know. (PAUSE) Yeah. I mean, and she kind of did leverage some, you know, like independence instead of thinking completely like, oh, that horrible time when she just like came over to where I was. [00:24:11]

We were in completely different towns and I was in college town, living near my college and she just came. It was like a two hour drive or something. But my dad drove her and just came with her bags. Like, “Okay. Take care of me. I don’t want to live with this guy. I want to move to this town. Find me a job. Find me an apartment.” And we did that. You know? (LAUGHTER) So instead of... I just remember that time of... My world came crashing down. But I could think of it as, oh, you know, she was a narrative of struggle, you know, and she did the best she could. You know, I was her closest relative that she could trust. And she came to me to, you know, because she thought I would, was somewhat standing on my own two feet and I could help her. [00:25:09]

So we figured it out and, you know... (PAUSE) And the more distance I got from him, I was able to pull her away from him even more until finally we did kind of snap off the, whatever ties. So... (PAUSE) I mean, I see... I mean, I see what you’re saying that we had different roles. But I guess (PAUSE) I’m still constructing a narrative in which we’re united and like one common goal and one effort because I feel like maybe that brings us more power or something. You know, it empowers us. (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Well, and I guess I point it out because it’s very... I mean, your relationship with your mom is just so confusing.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) [00:25:59]

THERAPIST: It’s unclear. Is she your mom? Is she your sister? Is she your twin? Is she your Siamese twin? Is she your daughter? It’s very, very confusing.

CLIENT: Yeah. It is.

THERAPIST: I certainly don’t mean to invalidate your dad’s horrific treatment and your feelings about it.

CLIENT: Yeah. No. I mean, I feel like we could take different roles at different times. (LAUGHTER) I mean, my whole childhood like in Nepal was like she was the mom, no question. I don’t think I think of her, I thought of her as a sibling or a daughter at that point. But the roles really did reverse when we came here. I mean, she was still the mom the first year maybe. But then it really switched very quickly and that’s kind of understandable with immigrants. So like, you know... (PAUSE) [00:27:00]

THERAPIST: Well, it’s loaded because, yes, that’s absolutely true of immigrants and then just given the nature of your family’s relationships to each other.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: There’s a lot going on. I mean, I certainly agree. That is very common for immigrant.

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) Yeah. I mean, I... I mean, what do I say? Is it unhealthy for her to feel like my daughter? (LAUGHTER) I don’t think so. Right? Because like people’s dynamics can be complicated. Like, at some point, your parents do become like your children. Right? Like when they’re really old, you do have to take care of them like you take care of a child. Right? So... (PAUSE) I don’t know. I guess I’m trying to prepare myself for like that or just the fact that it is a complicated relationship and how do I respect that or live with that or make the best of it or even make it, you know, fruitful. You know? [00:28:09]

THERAPIST: Well, I don’t think complicated is inherently unhealthy.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I think it can be very confusing and I do think, at times, it really brings up feelings for you. I mean, you have feelings in other areas. You’re wanting people to take care of you in ways that you’re not. And I do think that’s a carryover from feelings (inaudible at 00:28:27) mom.

CLIENT: That’s true.

THERAPIST: So, in some ways (inaudible at 00:28:31) but there are some byproducts of that (LAUGHTER) that you struggle with.

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess it’s definitely good or necessary to understand these byproducts. I don’t understand them. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) Yeah. Can you help me? (LAUGHTER) [00:28:55]

THERAPIST: Well, I’d like to. I’d like to continue to.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: When, you said, “Can you help me,” was that sort of a general comment or...

CLIENT: No. Just like how do I understand these byproducts? How do I... (PAUSE) Like I definitely have this like... Now, I feel like it’s pressing and as the months go by will feel more and more pressing. I don’t know what to do about next year. (LAUGHTER) I’m trying to make a plan as rationally as I can. Like number one, like... All these options... Like who do I live with? What do I do about housing for next year? I’m looking at (inaudible at 00:29:41) (LAUGHTER) housing. And I told you about the counter, the offers and the counter offers. Like...

THERAPIST: No. You mentioned in passing something of the sort, offering. But no, I haven’t heard about this.

CLIENT: No. It’s just like... So Chris (ph) says I can live at his place for no rent or like very little rent. He’s going away for half the year. [00:30:05]

THERAPIST: Oh, is he? For how long?

CLIENT: Just half the year. (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Because you were also saying that he wants to sort of make a clean break or not over the summer. So...

CLIENT: Yeah. He’s all over the place. He wants that and he wants that. And we had a nice talk just over the phone last weekend or last week and we want to do couples therapy. (LAUGHTER) So it’s just like all over the place. But I told Nelson (ph) about Chris’s offer and she was like, “My ex-boyfriend says I can live with him rent free.” So he was like, “Here’s a counter offer. (LAUGHTER) You live here but you pay me, you know, some rent.” So... (PAUSE) (LAUGHTER) But... And just not that I cannot be, you know, independent, that word we talked about earlier. You know, like... I think he said in, I don’t know, reference to that or just generally this term came up that session that I’m not there yet. (LAUGHTER) [00:31:07]

I guess just particularly also I feel like I’m not there yet to be able to support myself and my mom because I’m just able to find a job. Like I’m looking. You know? (PAUSE) So... (SIGH) I’m just like, “What if I don’t find a job?” It’s not like I’m having a very Zen attitude about it and sort of like completely stressing out and (inaudible at 00:31:37). If I don’t, then I’m just like thinking I’ll break up with Nelson and move back in with Chris. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) And I guess this is a byproduct maybe of my emotions for my mom. I’m not sure how I should deal with that. (LAUGHTER) [00:32:01]

(PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Well, I’m not sure if this is how your mom felt but it comes from a feeling you need to be with someone because you’re helpless and you need their specific help.

CLIENT: Specific help?

THERAPIST: Like, “Oh, I don’t have anywhere to live. I’ve got to get back with Chris.”

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: “I need a man to provide me with housing.” (PAUSE)

CLIENT: Well, then I don’t have to worry about, you know, money. (LAUGHTER) It has a lot of other perks too, you know, like be back on the marriage track and be, you know, have this companionship and we can cook together and stuff. [00:33:03]

And... What else? (PAUSE) Yeah. (PAUSE) And I’ll be like... I’ll be forced to make a choice (LAUGHTER) between the two guys. (PAUSE) I don’t know. I am looking. I’m still looking. Maybe I’ll find a job. I don’t know. (PAUSE) [00:34:00]

(PAUSE) Different people need different things. I’m just like... I don’t really understand what it’s about. You know? (PAUSE) Like another friend of mine... (SIGH) She... She’s in the program with me and she moved from Alabama or somewhere. She left like another Masters or PhD program to join this, to write. And like the first year here, she just kind of slacked off completely because she fell in love with this guy and she was like completely crazy about him and she was totally like not showing up to things and not even sometimes coming to class. She wouldn’t do any of her homework and she wrote kind of terrible things. And I was just like... [00:35:03]

I was talking about her to another friend and like yesterday he mentioned her because he saw her boyfriend. He was like, “She gave up her writing for this guy? Really?” And I was like, “Huh. It’s interesting you say she gave up her writing because she’s turned in like a couple of really good stories and I’m like in awe of her. And it’s really strange to hear she gave up writing because she’s so totally not even looking like she gave up writing. She seems like very much on top of things now. Like she turns in her homework and she writes these good things, you know, like...” It doesn’t mean I let myself get (inaudible at 00:35:45) by that. I could. I’m like always pulling my hair out to get this done, get that done. She’s always like (inaudible) doing it. But like so she... I guess she and the guy moved in together and I assume she’s not really paying rent because, you know, he’s... He makes much more than her. (LAUGHTER) [00:36:07]

But... Where was I going with this? (PAUSE) Yeah. I guess I was trying to understand. I’m always looking at other people and what they do and trying to ask myself, “Should I do this? Should I do that? Is that how it’s done?” So then I’m like, “I need to...” (LAUGHTER) Like last year, when she was all crazy about love and everything, I was like, “I want that. You know, I want to be crazy and not do any work.” And now that she’s stable, I’m like, “Maybe I want that.” You know? Like maybe I need to, need... Like the equivalent of her boyfriend would be Chris, you know, like stable, steady, always there, you know, makes money and lets me live with him rent free. Maybe I need that. But then when I had it, I was like, “No. I need craziness or I need to feel independent because if I feel independent, I will feel confident and I will be able to write better.” [00:37:09]

So it’s like... (LAUGHTER) And I understand that I could want different things at different times. But it’s just like what is it? You know? (PAUSE) Am I at a phase where I need stability or like am I still in my crazy phase where it’s like, “No. I need inspiration or I need to do everything myself so I feel confident and then I can write better.” (LAUGHTER) Yeah. Maybe I’ll the sort of person... Maybe my psychology is that, at the base level, I feel helpless. So I have to do all these things to prove to myself that I can do it. Then once I have that high, then I can write. [00:38:11]

Maybe she’s already up here in terms of confidence level and independence. So she just needs to kind of settle down and... You know? I don’t know. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) (SIGH) She’s lived like a lot more years being single and she’s divorced. So... (PAUSE) I don’t know. I have to compare myself. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) I guess I do that also to give myself options and be like, “There are choices I could make.” You know? And I guess it’s okay to some degree to be like, “What is that person doing? Could I do that?” [00:39:07]

THERAPIST: Yeah. It does... I mean, you certainly use other people to compare yourself and often compare yourself downward. You often... You also look at people for models although you make a lot of assumptions in that model. You have no idea. She could be paying all the rent for all you know. You have no idea. So you make a lot of assumptions about what that relationship is like and how he’s really like Chris. And so, in a sense, it’s a projection. I’m not sure how much you’re learning because you’re projecting onto them something that you, that’s familiar to you already. So it’s not exactly new information.

CLIENT: What would be new information?

THERAPIST: Actually knowing what the situation is. You don’t really know her boyfriend. You don’t know what the situation is.

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: Assuming when two people move in together, even when one person makes more money that that person’s probably taking care of all the expenses, in this day and age, I do not think is a good assumption. [00:40:05]

I think that’s probably more rare than not.

CLIENT: Really?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: I’m not saying it doesn’t happen. I’m just... I wouldn’t assume that.

CLIENT: Why not?

THERAPIST: Because it’s not typical. Out of a small sample size of couples but enough, that’s not typical. It’s not typical for one person to not be contributing to the household at all.

CLIENT: You mean like with money?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Certainly not in dating situations. It’s not typical. It happens. I’m not saying it never happens. But...

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: There’s usually some financial contribution. (PAUSE)

CLIENT: I don’t know. (LAUGHTER) [00:41:01]

I was contributing to rent (inaudible at 00:41:07) when we first moved in together. But I was unhappy for a lot of other reasons. I’m just wondering, did that make me more attracted to him? Did he seem more attractive?

THERAPIST: Did he seem more attractive when?

CLIENT: I was paying rent. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) It’s not a fair question (inaudible at 00:41:41) I just met him and all of that. So... (PAUSE)

THERAPIST: How does it feel to be part of a bidding war? [00:42:01]

CLIENT: A bidding war? What does that mean?

THERAPIST: With the housing. You were saying that there were offers and counter offers. Offers and counter offers are part of bidding wars.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) I just feel like a prize horse. (LAUGHTER) No. I don’t know. I just hadn’t thought about it that way. I just feel confused and I feel like (inaudible at 00:42:31). This is not supposed to happen. It’s wrong. So... (PAUSE) I guess I feel anxious. So...

THERAPIST: Do you feel taken care of?

CLIENT: Mmm... (PAUSE) No. (LAUGHTER) I mean, I feel kind of like, “Okay, there are options. Yeah.” But like... No. I feel like I still need to do the work myself, you know? I mean, if I live with Chris, it still doesn’t change a lot of the things that bother me. Like I might feel coddled or like... [00:43:15]

Actually like... Do we have time?

THERAPIST: We’ve got a couple minutes.

CLIENT: Yeah. I actually project myself like being there which is very different from when I’m actually there. (LAUGHTER) But if I think about myself being there, I’m like, “That’s the table. My table was right there.” (inaudible at 00:43:35) She sat in my chair and she touched my computer and the light was like that in the room at the time. You know? Like I’m freaking out and it’s like... I want to take my laptop out there and... I totally don’t imagine, can’t imagine sitting and writing in that room at all even though I wrote in that room for months. [00:43:59]

The bed is there. I don’t like that.

THERAPIST: Are you referring to Nepal?

CLENT: Chris. Chris’s place. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So I’m just trying to imagine that even if I do take up the offer, the offer of living with him, it’s not really attractive because a lot of things have come to corrupt the nice picture. I mean, it’s a beautiful place because I made it beautiful. But it’s not beautiful to me anymore.

THERAPIST: Since moving out?

CLIENT: Yeah. (PAUSE) I want something new. (LAUGHTER) (PAUSE) I mean, I like this. I like the hustle of walking from my place over to various peoples’ places. [00:45:03]

So... Yeah. My hope is that I do find something so that I can be independent even if it’s... I mean, I still could be on a marriage track and still have my own place. I mean, it would be like very bohemian. But why not? (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: A marriage track with Chris?

CLIENT: Or... Either one of them. You know? (PAUSE) (SIGH) But we do want to do couples therapy. I think it will be nice for like further closure on things. I don’t know. I’m so totally confused. It’s like one day I like him. Yesterday, I liked (inaudible at 00:46:01). (LAUGHTER) [00:46:03]

(PAUSE) I guess I like having options but I don’t want to get used to this because it’s not a good scenario. It’s not... (PAUSE) What do you call it? It’s not viable. I just... Because having options makes me feel less trapped. It’s not good. I should deal with why I feel trapped. You know?

THERAPIST: Well, we will continue to do so. We need to stop for today.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: So I will see you on Monday.

CLIENT: Alright.

THERAPIST: Okay great.

CLIENT: Sounds good. Have a good weekend.

THERAPIST: Okay. Thank you very much. Take care.

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