TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So it has been a very unusual four days. Barb and I have been getting on really, really well. Happy, happy unusually so, not just status quo happy. She was like really pleasant, which sounds strange to say. (chuckles) My girlfriend is pleasant. But no, she seemed more bland. [00:00:59] So then and I don't know what happened. I feel like I can think of events, but then I'm now living in the spare bedroom for the first time ever. It's odd. I can't figure out what has happened. The chronology of it: things are good, she's looking at houses, we're looking at houses, she sits on the computer looking at houses, things are good, things are amicable, we're jokey and fun and flirty. [00:02:13] Very pleasant all along. So we go out to dinner. I pick up a magazine and Morrissey is on the cover. So we're sitting and we're talking about Morrissey and she goes, "You should find tickets. I don't want to go, but you can go by yourself," because she finds his music miserable. She knows that I like Morrissey. By this time I'm thinking, yeah, but we saw The Tempest at our local community theater. That was very friendly and fun and we left after the third act at intermission because we were confused and didn't want to stay to figure it out. [00:03:09] And then I realized it wasn't even that the acting was bad, I think Shakespeare dropped the ball on The Tempest. It's just not that interesting. She goes, "It's your call." I said, "We can Wikipedia to find out what happens." (laughs) So it was happy. We left the city. In life there are some things you have to do, and one thing you have to do is leave a play, so we can check the box. We walked out of the play. Very friendly. Every day in it's in there and she goes, "Did you check out tickets?" I said, "No, no, no." but this time I'm studying set theory, which is an interesting sort of metaphor because set theory is what belongs to what. [00:04:03] What belongs to what? Is this a subset of that or is this a subset of that or do they overlap? What's the union? What's the complement? What's the universal discourse? Can you make a cross product? Can you do Cartesian coordinates? I'm really just contemplating what belongs to what and being really distracted and frustrated writing proofs in set theory; and here we are, a set of two elements. I kept saying, "No, I haven't checked out tickets," but it was very pleasant. I was glad she was encouraging me, "You should check out tickets." I kept not doing it. And then Stephanie wanted to go out to dinner on Friday night with her new boyfriend and she's talking on the phone and she said, "What about Friday night?" I said, "Yeah, fine, but there's the Morrissey concert," which I hadn't gotten tickets for but I thought maybe. There would be some left. [00:05:10] So then Wednesday night, late at night after she was asleep, I thought, "What the hell," right? She's been encouraging me to go just get a ticket, so I go online and get a ticket. (pause) Next day there's discord because she wakes up with great neck pain, I'm in the back in my own world, not being attentive. I realized that. I know when I'm in "math mode" that I am flat. I'm just so preoccupied and especially when people are saying something, so I didn't make her tea. [00:06:04] I didn't warm up her thing. I didn't offer her ibuprofen or Tylenol. I wasn't showing concern and I thought if I had gotten up and gone to work, this wouldn't have been an issue because I wouldn't be there to give sympathy. But because I was around and studying, I was available to be concerned and I didn't show it. She has a massage scheduled and she just goes off like I'm not showing any concern. She feels like no one in her life is concerned for her and everyone is selfish. Her brother is concerned about his love life and is totally selfish about that because he married and had a kid and he hates his wife and wants to get a divorce. [00:07:05] Meanwhile, he has affairs. So her brother is always moping around because his girlfriend broke with him because he's miserable. And then Lucille hadn't been calling, even though Barbara went out just to help her out. So she feels like her friends don't call and she always has to make the effort, and then her girlfriend is being selfish in not really caring about the fact that her neck hurts all understandable. I did not know any of this about the brother or Lucille or Emma. I wasn't aware of that, so she's been feeling that people don't care. Then her neck really hurts, which is very upsetting to her because she can't sleep, and then I don't show any concern. [00:07:59] That was a bad deal so I apologized, but she doesn't really acknowledge the apology and leaves. I text saying that I'm really sorry that I wasn't showing concern and was distracted by math. I genuinely feel bad because she's in pain and I really genuinely feel bad for ignoring it. No response to the text. I forget what I do. My day goes on. I come back. Somehow we intersect at some point, and I go and say, "You know I really am sorry." She goes, "All right. You apologized." It's strange. I've offered a sincere text apology, I've offered a sincere in-person apology, and it's just not being accepted. [00:09:06] It's not one of the sort of pro forma apologies that one does sometimes. I'm sad that she hurts and I really am sorry that I was distracted by math. Anyway, the next day so now we're at Friday I forget how things proceeded, but she said something about dinner tonight and I said, "Yeah, I didn't mention it yesterday because yesterday was not the day to say it, but I went ahead and got a ticket." She said, "You never wanted to go and then..." That was just the pinnacle of selfishness, which I found how did the mood change so quickly from her being happy, happy, happy, to everything being horrible Thursday and Friday. [00:10:04] And then the feeling of I wanted to say, "But you're the one that kept encouraging. I was sort of like ehh, but you kept encouraging me, ‘You should go to see Morrissey. You should go see Morrissey. You should go see Morrissey." So I get a ticket and am now being punished for having gotten the ticket.

THERAPIST: She said she's upset about you getting a ticket because what was it she said?

CLIENT: Somehow that I didn't want to go out to dinner with Stephanie and her new boyfriend, that I was being selfish...

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: All this stuff. And it just totally caught me. Where did yesterday come from? Where did this anger about me not showing concern? And I feel like that's something that one can feel badly about and yet a prompt, sincere text apology and then a real, in-person apology sort of like what's lingering about this? [00:11:08] And then the issue of getting the ticket. I guess we had gone to the June in the morning, came back, and that's when somehow this came to light. Then she was off the handle about that and she said, "What are you going to do?" Clothes on my back, I was packing a bag, and I said I was going to leave. She said, "I think that's a good idea." So I packed up my backpack full of my study stuff. I pack up my gym bag full of a change of clothes for the concert because at that point, I was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt, so I put in black pants, black shirt. She didn't know any of this, right? That I had packed clothes and I just left. [00:12:06]

I went to the library and I studied, went to the coffee house. I don't know what I did exactly. (pause) I don't know what I did. (pause) And then I have the concert today and I thought I have no intention of going back home, but still there is this feeling of not knowing what's going on and really feeling unnerved by it, like where is this rage coming from? Especially in juxtaposition to the unusually pleasant time that preceded it. That's the thing that's if it was like building, building, building, building and crescendoed, but really it seemed like this overnight thing. [00:13:07] I'm like, "Okay, she needs her space. Who knows. I'm out." So then I go back to JP, park the car at the gym, go in, take a shower, change clothes. It's 6:30. We haven't talked at all and then I thought well, the plan was I'll just leave the car here, grab something to eat, and then catch the Orange Line into town; so I did. I guess prior to that in the afternoon she said, "I sincerely hope you're going to go to the concert since you paid for the ticket." [00:14:11] And I didn't respond to that because I thought as a rule, as a person, I'm not sarcastic. In a text I'm never sarcastic. I just don't believe in sarcasm. I think it's mean. I think it's underhanded. I think it's brutal, and so I'm not. But she is sarcastic and so the problem with texts is that tonality is just out, right? So this is an angry message. "I sincerely hope you're going to the concert because you paid for the ticket." And I thought, "Well, as opposed to what?" As opposed to what? [00:15:04]

She's mad, so it's not like she wants to see me, so what's my alternative exactly? I don't know. So I just ignored it, not in an angry sort of way, I just don't know how to respond to that and I don't want to get involved because, clearly, she's mad. We'd get into this text war. So I'm on the Orange Line and it's like I have all the texts, obviously, something to the effect of "where are you?" She always does "are" with just the letter "R". In my texts I write things out. [00:16:08] So (pause) then I text back in a friendly sort of way, "Well, it's not going to be as good as the other one," which was just this phenomenal concert where we met and the movie the whole thing was just amazing. I'm trying to be sort of intimate like nothing compares to seeing the other concert, which was phenomenal. So I said, "While it's not the concert, I'm on the Orange Line express," which I thought implied that I was on the Orange Line to the concert. [00:17:03] So then she took that to mean somehow that I was on the way home. And then she said in the text, "If you're not going to be home, then I'll cancel Jeffery." We have to have a post fixed on the back porch. Jeffery is a contractor who came Friday morning to look at it. He was going to come Saturday morning and I already texted her earlier in the day saying that it was going to be at 8:00 AM that he was showing up. So then I thought, "She thinks I'm going to stay up all night as if I'm going to go to the concert?" [00:18:04] I mean 8:00 in the morning the next day she's going to cancel that thinking I'm going to be gone? I'm thinking, Where is this coming from?" I'm just baffled by it. I joked back just to sort of try to leaven this. I texted thinking, I said, "I'll be home well before 8:00 AM unless I'm mugged." Exclamation point and smiley face. I'm thinking, "Where is this coming from?" so I'm just trying to leaven. She goes, "Where is the car?" I'm like, "Why are you worried about the car?" I said, "The car is at the gym." So I finally get to the concert and all of a sudden there are these bells going on and I'm thinking, "What the hell? Is she with Stephanie? Is she not with Stephanie and she's been drinking wine?" Because she gets really punchy when she has a couple of Pinot Grigio's, although she disagrees with this. She thinks she's perfectly sensible when she drinks wine, but she's not. [00:19:19]

I'm sitting outside thinking, "Ugh. Unbelievable. Where is this rage coming from?" And then she's like, "We don't talk. You text. You e-mail." We never e-mail each other, but there was something about she needed to go somewhere and I said, "E-mail me. That way I can see it because we have this board," because when she says things, I don't remember it usually. If I see it, I remember it. So I just said, "Send an e-mail to remind me," which, whenever that was, when life was happy, she was like, "Oh." And she sent me this funny e-mail reminding me and I sent her a funny e-mail back. [00:20:07] And then she's like, "You text. You e-mail. We never talk. We are different." Blah, blah, blah. And then it's like, "You don't understand the context." And I'm thinking, "Me not being able to communicate." All right. I can see that can be true, but I think I'm sensitive and I think I'm good at expressing things and I usually want to get to the bottom of things; and so people usually don't describe me as someone who doesn't talk. [00:21:01] So I'm just thinking, "My God." I'm really just baffled by this, utterly baffled. I go in and I'm like, "Oh, my God. I'm going to see Morrissey." Usually there's this feeling (chuckles) like there's all this history. They're the Smiths and I'm thinking, "Wow." It's just sort of observing. It's sort of interesting that this is going on. I'm not feeling the jauntiness of Oscar Wilde or the full of irony and wit that is Morrissey. [00:22:00] Instead I'm going in thinking this person who has written this music means a lot to me, and yet I'm feeling a little bit on the edge. I'm thinking back over my life thinking, "Well, I've listened to the Smiths on all occasions over many years; and it just sort of happens to be the way I'm feeling now, which isn't incongruous with listening to the Smiths." (chuckles) And half his music was the Smiths, fortunately, because new Morrissey sounds the same. [00:22:58]

So there I am. I don't know whether another text is going to arrive. I'm feeling whatever. I'm sitting there and I'm looking around and I'm thinking, "Isn't this interesting? This is fascinating to me. It's just men without partners who are showing up. It's like everybody had just bought the same ticket. I thought, "Isn't it interesting that Morrissey might have that sort of crowd? You don't go as a couple. Guys just show." There was like this row and you just look around and an unusually number of guys have just shown up. [00:24:00] And I thought, "Huh." So this guy sat next to me. I was sitting there and about 15 minutes later he shows up and I thought, "Somehow you've got this mystic thing," right? Somehow I assume that the Smiths means something. Morrissey means something to people in a very deep way that you would just show up by yourself. It's like women in Mecca or something, but without the religiosity of it, but just the sense of it's a solitary thing, perhaps. I'm thinking about this guy as he started to approach and sat down, "Interesting. Add him to the collection of others." I'm thinking, "Are there other sad, miserable, angry girlfriends at home?" You have to assume a lot are gay, so are there boyfriends? Are they alone? Are they out of a relationship? [00:25:06] So this guy I don't know what he is, probably 20's or early 30's a little bit doughy, had a beard. I'm contemplating this so I look and I said, "It's nice sitting up in the balcony like this because you can appreciate the beauty of the ceiling." The concert hall is really quite ornate, which I had forgotten about. He goes, "Oh, I've never been here. But yeah, you're right. I wonder how they painted that?" And then that was it so it was sort of like we made a connection, had a few words, and then just kind of sat there. (pause) So the opening band was this person who sounded like she did a cross between Suzie and the Banshees and Kate Smith not Kate Smith, Jesus, Kate Smith. (chuckles) That would be something. Kate Bush. (both laugh) Yeah. What would that combo be? God Bless America. [00:26:26]

THERAPIST: God bless what? I don't know. (both laugh)

CLIENT: So that was that and then Morrissey came out. I don't know. So there's a sense of just sort of looking and thinking, "This is the person who has sort of been the sound track of..." since being 16. Defining him just as a persona, you can't pin him down. It's this amorphous creature. You can't pin him down in any sort of way. [00:27:23] The things he says on stage, you're just I don't know whether he's being funny or he's just depressed or doesn't know what he's thinking. Who knows? Is he gay? Is he straight? Is he asexual? Is he bisexual? It's just like who knows what the person is? And yet he makes the most amazing lyrics and the most amazing music. As a person, he lives in his mansion in Los Angeles and he just doesn't go out. That's just what he is, right? He just doesn't go out. I can see him just sort of sitting in a room all day long just sort of staring. He's just very odd.

THERAPIST: Another man alone. [00:28:07]

CLIENT: Yeah. And also just sort of like amused, almost like he's listening to things in his own mind that he's sort of amused by. So then, and I know people gravitate towards this song and, for me, I think about it in the abstract but I'm not as a vegetarian, but one can't help but think about it. Meat is Murder. And so, on the video screen, at this point I'm sitting there because a lot of people are standing but then people were sitting finally. That's the point where I thought, "You know, I'm sort of in this weird space mentally," and I thought, "I'm aware of the fact that this is phenomenal song that I've listened to thousands of times in all kinds of situations driving back and forth in California to Arizona, on planes, in San Francisco, everywhere. [00:29:27]

So in the video it's just in black and white. It's just these lamenting cries in the background, as is the case on the album, of just this whiny howl of animals in the background. And on the black and white you see chickens being killed and bulls being castrated and cows having their necks cut and just the grisly gruesomeness that is modern-day how you get your beef; how you get your eggs; how you get your chicken. It's just these animals and I'm just sitting there and I'm like this. I'm just in my chair and I'm just watching this, just watching the visuals. I'm just thinking of all the times I've heard this song and just watching it and really being affected by it thinking, "God, it's just so sad." Really just in general. (pause) You can just sort of use that as a representation of all other horrors that you could just extend out just the anonymity of the banality of evil and, I wish I had a segue, but just faceless people who died, faceless chickens who die in this hell. [00:31:00] The song is going on and on and it finally ends. He's just whipping the cord around in a low, odd way of characterizing things, he goes, "And that's the way it is and that's what they are and they were." (pause) I'm thinking, "That's an interesting way of capturing it but, yeah, ‘and they were,'" without any sort of... I don't think he scripts this stuff. It's just sort of him extemporaneously "the animal is the bird; the animals that are; the animals who have this fate and anything else that might have such a horrible fate and, yet, we'll go onto the next song." (singing) [00:32:10]

I'm thinking, "Man, talk about understatement," and this very odd sort of really is (singing) in this Norman English accent. And he sort of swallows his words. He's almost like not even looking at the audience. It almost looks like he's a really shy person in a way, and yet he's this grand performer. He's always walking on the stage just touching people's hands. There are all these single men up close to the stage and he's always just shaking their hands; but it's also like a very gentle handshake. Then at the very end, for How Soon Is Now, people are allowed this must be choreographed in some way because there is security there people want to get onto the stage and so they rush towards him. [00:33:02] It's always one at a time. And what they do is they give him this sort of loose hug and he gives them a loose hug and then it's almost like kissing the Pope's ring. It's like they rushed up and they gave him a hug and security makes this mock effort to get and then they hug and they just sort of go back into the audience. You see his efforts, struggling, and [...] (inaudible at 00:33:21) on the stage. He's wearing this pink ruffled shirt at this point. He wears a pink shirt; he's wearing white or blue the entire time and then for How Soon Is Now he comes out wearing the pink ruffled thing. I don't know eight people, maybe, struggle to get on the stage and give him this sort of fainting hug and then disappear. Security does not ever intercept these people. They rush towards them as if they're going to get them, but anyway. And then, at the end of the song, he takes off his pink shirt and throws it in the audience and goes, "Good night," and walks away. And that's it. [00:34:05]

I had my math books with me so I just walked in dut-dut-dut-dut go get on the Orange Line and then on the ride home I kept thinking, "I saw Morrissey and then I'm reading about math." Anyway, I get home and she had mentioned something in a text, sort of like the idea of me not coming back. I thought, "Well, either the couch or the futon. Screw it. I'm just going to get out sheets and a blankets and make up the I'm just going to pull it out. It's a nice pull-out couch/futon thing," and there I was. Got up the next day and went to work. [00:35:02] Then got back at night and I made dinner. I wanted everything to be routine, but I'm not going to be volunteering. I'm not going to be trying to connect. I'm just going to be giving her space. I don't know how close I want to be to her because I'm feeling strange, and so we just watched the news, ate, and then I just went in and shut the door [...] (inaudible at [0:35:29]) went to sleep. The next day, same thing. She came home last night and I was just in the room reading with the door shut. Today I woke up and took her to work because I needed to work today so I needed a car. It's odd because I'm not sure to what degree I don't know what is being played because I feel like I want to be nice, I think she wants to be nice, but then yesterday like when she came home she opened the door and I'm lying on the futon and she says, "You look comfortable." [00:36:07] I thought, "I was willing to be nice and then it's like clearly the futon is uncomfortable, but more importantly it's not that bad but what's uncomfortable, obviously, is having to be, or not really having to be but sort of feeling like, I need to retreat in some way. "You look uncomfortable." It's sort of like it's not a comfortable situation. It's not like I'm just reposing on the futon. No, I'm in isolation and I'm trying to stay out of your way, so any sort of reconciliation that I felt like I could have done, I sort of thought, "I'm not going to react to that." But I thought, "Oh, geez. What's that about?" And so this morning, having to interact in the morning, but normally I listen to sports radio. I'm just going to be nothing. I'm not going to sing to myself as I often do. I'm not going to joke around. I'm not going to walk in and touch her shoulders and bug her in the bathroom when she's getting ready. I'm not going to make her tea like I normally do. I'm just going to get up early, be fully dressed before she even gets up, make breakfast, be in my room ready when she's ready, and go. When it comes to this passive aggressive thing, I don't want to be passive aggressive, I'm just trying to give her space. Anyway. I don't know. [00:37:41]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I was thinking about her saying, "We don't talk."

CLIENT: (long pause) [00:38:33] Yeah, I... (sighs) (pause) In running a parallel to this is, first of all, me trying to just be a nulling presence. I leave things on the table, everything that I normally do to take care of things, such as making a nice dinner and all of that, is being done. Things that needed to be done, such as getting pictures from CVS that she wanted, removing the air conditioner, which we'd normally to together, I did by myself. Things she didn't ask to be done but I did, like sweeping the leaves off the back porch, which is ever so minor; but it's like I'm doing things to be nice. And not in an angry way like, "Screw you. I'm doing all this stuff and look at this." I'm genuinely trying to process what it is she's feeling and I feel like, "What have I done?" because I feel like do I have a really, really blind spot? What exactly happened, and I do not know. So yesterday she goes, "You look comfortable." I said, "Well, yeah," or something. [00:40:10] She said, "Are we going to talk?" I said, "Well, I sent you a text that said that, ‘For what it's worth, I am sorry for not communicating better,' and I got no response from you. I don't want to fight, but I did put that out there." She goes, "You don't know." I said, "I don't know what's going on." She goes, "You have no idea what's going on." That sort of enraged me, but I didn't show that. I just thought, "Fuck you." [00:41:08] Why do I have to play this guessing game? Clearly text doesn't work because that's irritating that we write. She actually wants to talk. She doesn't respond to the texts that are as friendly and as straightforward as I can be. So then I made a nice dinner and I said, "When you go shower, I'll make you dinner." I put it together. So while she was getting ready, because she was talking on the phone at that point, before she got in the shower I just put it all together and then I ate my own. I just put it in the bedroom, shut the door and ate; and that was it. She had a bit. I noticed this morning that she put most of it back. [00:42:04] I don't know what she ate instead. Maybe she didn't. I'm just baffled. I really am, Frank. I can understand all of the issues but how did it switch? (chuckles) How did it switch? It really does feel like me ignoring her neck pain because I was distracted with mathematics began this cascade that totally caught me off guard. So anyway, meantime, running on parallel tracks is that I still have to be studying, so I'm still banging my head against set theory, which is no picnic. But gradually I made some traction. [00:43:02] Oh, yes. Friday, that's what I did. I went over and I talked to my teacher and, of course, I'm feeling mad. I'm feeling frustrated with set theory, I'm feeling frustrated with this house being up for sale but that's back-burnered I'm primarily feeling like, "What the hell is going on with Barbara?" and I'm irritated that there is no way online anywhere, no book explains how to prove anything in set theory and yet, the homework asks us to prove it, so I'm mad at my teacher. I'm frustrated with the material so I'm sitting there and he's like we have sort of a standing thing where on Fridays I'll go and meet with him for an hour. So we're sitting there at the math department in this little cubby area, which is nice, on the fourth floor of the science center. He's a very nice, patient, good guy. I like him. I said, "I'm sorry," because in his e-mail he said, "I can tell you're frustrated. Come on in and we'll talk about how to do this stuff." [00:44:08] He's very patient, but I had to tell him, "I'm sorry. I'm frustrated because I feel dumb looking at stuff and I can't get an answer. I feel like I have some learning disability when it comes to this and I feel like I'm not a moron; and yet I look and I just don't get it." He goes, "Well, let's do what we did in class." I said, "But I understand that. It's this particular problem. When you're doing the complement of a complement and you're subtracting." He goes, "Well, let's do this one." I said, "I don't want to do that one. This is the one I don't understand." (chuckles) He said, "Okay, I know that you're interested in that one, but I think it will help if we actually think carefully about this one." I'm like, "Oh, Jesus." I'm just like, "Okay. Fine." So we go through it and I know this, I know this, I know this. [00:44:58] And he looked at me and said, "I see what the problem is. When you see something that's written like this, you think that you have to come up with all the solutions, but that's not how we do it. If something is equal to something, we have to somehow use that information and try to get a proof to that point because there is a direction to it. Mathematicians don't just look at things and think, ‘Well, what could it be?' we look and see what state it would be equal to and we try to arrive to that." And all of a sudden I thought, "Oh." That reduces it from infinite to just a finite, particular thing equal to it or not and you use that. (pause) [00:46:00]

And then my alarm went off because I set it, because he said he wanted to meet for a half hour, so I put it in four quarters thinking fine. I meet for a half hour and put in two extra quarters, but he kept talking. Then suddenly my alarm goes off and I have to pay the meter. That's my alarm. So he goes, "What's that?" I said, "Oh, it's my alarm. I have to feed the meter." He said, "Let's just finish this rubric." I said, "I'll leave in three minutes," and he goes on and on and on. I said, "Okay, I'm going to get a ticket and it's worth it because I need to figure this out." And another one and I'm like, "Okay, sorry. Thanks for your time. I've got to go." So he's very careful when he said, "This is the problem you started out with. Let's just do this quickly so you see how it can be done." Du-du-du-du. He writes it all out; he's very neat. He hands me all the paperwork and he goes, "Okay, I don't want you to get a ticket. I'll see you next week." I did not get a ticket. [00:47:09]

THERAPIST: It seems kind of similar to the experience with Barbara.

CLIENT: Well that's the thing, intellectually and emotionally I feel like there are weird things going on with my math life and my inexplicable relationship life. Both seem inexplicable and I don't get either, although now I'm sort of moving ahead and I get it, so now I'm feeling okay. I understand the stuff, so I'm feeling calmer about the math world. But now I can't help but somehow think of sets and subsets and Venn diagrams and things that cannot be turned into a Venn diagram, like a "U" of four circles. It can only be three, right? You can do Venn diagrams with more than three circles. It doesn't work. [00:48:00] That's the same thing about "Y", because it gets very complicated and you can't visualize it, so I'm thinking, "Wow. That's kind of how it feels with Barbara." It's like realizing limits in some way and trying to put a puzzle together that doesn't go together and thinking, "Wow. It was together and then it fell apart."

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. I wonder if it did feel this way like it was kind of like, "Well, you know why I'm mad at you. You should know. You should know." And the feeling inside of you like, "Well I thought I knew. You keep taking me back to this problem. I've been asking you. I told you I was sorry about this thing," and she's saying, "No, no, no. That's not it. That's not it." I was thinking that it seemed like you also had a question there to her to pose that you didn't know. [00:49:06] First of all, you didn't know the answer to why she's so pissed. It has something to do with somehow you guys went from feeling really good and this house stuff is going on. It's feeling pretty good and then all of a sudden it goes another way. What's going on? What's happening? And I think that's how you arrive at the answer. I think she wanted you to know the answer. (pause) I think you're right. It's something deeper than all of this. It's something about who knows. [00:50:02] My thoughts, just to share them with you, is that it had something to do with feelings about buying that house and what it means for the two of you. I think, for you, I was thinking it means a lot to you about her putting down the money and her taking care of something and what all that brings up between the two of you. (pause) And something that's hard to talk about it. I think that's been true about the two of you guys in this whole thing. It's been a tough thing to talk about, so much for the both of you, I think. [00:51:04]

CLIENT: It also highlights whatever is going on with me and work. And that's the main thing, right? So that informs everything. (pause) And that I don't want to talk about. (pause)

THERAPIST: I think you feel badly about it. (pause) And I think she must have some difficulty talking about it, too, her feelings about it. [00:52:09] And I've got to say, on the other hand, I also think that there is something in it for her. I think she gets something from taking care of you, too. It does mean something for her to take care of this part. She's a nurse, for Christ's sake.

CLIENT: Yeah, she is, but she can't stand actually when she takes care of me, because it's like people end up there usually because of their own dumb neglect. [00:53:07] They smoke, they drink, they're 800 lbs, they do drugs, they don't take care of themselves, and I feel like she has genuine sympathy for other people who are just blind-sided with something genetic that's just the 30-year-old that's just bam. They were traveling and got infected with something and now it's [...] (inaudible at 00:53:40); or a perfectly healthy life and all of a sudden they're riddled with cancer for no good reason, it's genetics. (pause) [00:54:17]

THERAPIST: Yeah, well does she see this with some scorn then, this whole job thing? Does she have it in her to...?

CLIENT: Well, yeah. Then there was the presidential debate and she [...] (inaudible at 00:54:45) of things to do. It's like find out how to get an absentee ballot. She's going to need one to vote in the election, if she wants to vote. She's never voted because now she's a citizen and this is the first presidential election since becoming a citizen. She could have voted prior; not for federal elections. If you have a green card, you can vote local, in the state, but not federal. So this is the first time she could vote for president. [00:55:09] And she hates Mitt Romney. I'm thinking, "Interesting. We're on the same page with that, and yet we look at housing, and it feels like..." I said to Barbara, "We live on a street that is really progressive. Our neighborhood, as a whole, is really progressive. Look at Waltham." She says, "Yeah, I know. It's God's waiting room." I said, "Yep." Anyway, so I'm thinking her politics are in the right place, her heart is in the right place, and yet we are different. [00:56:06] There is this very sensitive topic that's a really, really big issue that I don't know how to deal with in my own life and, yet, it affects her and it creates this weird dynamic. And I have no good thing to say about it. It's not like I can craft my usual crap like that comedy blah, blah, blah. No, it's deeper than that. (pause) Last week, I forget what day it was, it was Thursday, the first day of acrimony. I had to go up to the academy because I was teaching my usual thing and so driving around and sort of looking and thinking I made this point that I was going to go see Morrissey and, realizing all of what was going on, and driving around thinking, "Wow. It's so... " I don't know. I guess you know what I'm thinking. [00:57:52] Thinking about things I know and don't know. So being at this prestigious place and it looking like a miniature MIT and not so miniature, actually. It's a massive campus. And it being rainy and cloudy and foggy in the evening, really sort of idyllic in terms of the brooding fall at a New England prep school. I'm thinking, "Man. I understand it and I don't understand it. I went to a prep school, but not a prep school like that." And sort of just looking at very, very competent kids traveling along and thinking, "They're already at college. They're precocious in this social way. They are independent, they're on their own, they're living here, they're being taken care of. They live here and they're aim is to study." [00:59:06] I'm thinking, "That's the mindset." I get that. I get being 17 and feeling that sense of independence that's almost there [...] (inaudible at 00:59:31) and you're eager and you're just a sponge for everything and you're doing well and you have people you like and you're listening to the Smiths and you feel sensitive to everything and everything is so, so at the front, right? There's like nothing has receded. There's no deep past. [01:00:07] There aren't things yet that you've forgotten, which is somehow important because as you get older there are things that you just sort of forget, that gets assumed. At that point, everything is there; all the feelings and the thoughts and the future and the sense of competence. I'm thinking, "There I am. I'm studying in this great, grand room." I got there early and I'm going to be teaching in this very grand room, which feels familiar because it's like I've been in many rooms like this. I've taught in rooms like that and I've been a student in rooms like this." I'm thinking, "But now I'm in high school. It's not a college." It's like really going to the scene of the crime in some way. [01:01:10] Now I'm an adult. I'm an adult at a prep school." I'm thinking, "I relate to being a teacher, but I relate to being a student." I was really thinking about that, the idea of being a student. In don't know, there's something not in a weird sort of arresting sort of way, but just feeling like it was so right there and the history of it. I'm thinking that it's interesting. It's one thing to be at a university but to be in a place like that, I just think this is where everyone this is very similar to saying that people haven't become who they're going to become yet. [01:02:16] It's like you think of the presidents that have gone... I wasn't thinking of this at the time, but in retrospect thinking this is the launching point; and yet, at that point, that's not the concern, right? People are feeling who they are and it's not like they're on a track in a university. They're still kids and there's something very I was going to use the word democratic, but I guess I'll use the word egalitarian because it's probably more accurate. The sense of at that age we're all very similar in the sense that we have similar worries. [01:03:11] And yet, then life kicks in at some point, right? And then we're on a track and family kicks in and expectations kick in if you're somebody who comes from something where there is that the Bushes, right? So there is pedigree that kicks in, but at some point, just thinking in life about the role of gratitude and nurturing and the idea of feeling open, the idea of being able to see yourself and somebody else and relate, having empathy. It's like that is really important and maybe kids are more capable of there's less distance. They're frightened but they're aware that I don't know. There's something about that. And then more defenses build up and then there is a sense of, "I'm different. I'm this sort of person. I'm that sort of person. You're in this major, I'm math. We don't get each other." And then it's reified in some way. [01:04:21]

THERAPIST: And that stuff gets...

CLIENT: And then there's a sense of people are different, people are different, people are different. It's hard to sort of realize so Meat Is Murder: cows, chickens, people. It really made me feel like, "Wow. Isn't it a shame that we really separate ourselves from things that are unpleasant?" It's easy to think of, "Well, they're just ‘those' people." I'm sure there are studies on this, right? Where people's ability to cause harm to people is maybe a function of their separateness or their being of a different standing. How is it that Hitler could kill Jews? [01:05:18] Well, Jews weren't well regarded. How is it that homeless people get beat up? We might have sympathy, but some people don't. There is a distance there. They're not like me. So we build these groups. Matt Cassel gets hurt. Bah he's not a person. He's just a horrible quarterback. Boo, boo, boo, boo or cheer, cheer, cheer, cheer. He's been hurt.

THERAPIST: The 47 percent.

CLIENT: I don't know the reference.

THERAPIST: Romney. The whole speech about the 47 percent.

CLIENT: Yes, that's right.

THERAPIST: Half. [01:06:05]

CLIENT: That's right. Yes. I don't know. (pause) She work early today. I got a text. She never leaves work early. She just texted me. She said she's going to bed. She walked home, which is not a small walk. It's like I feel like she's exhausted, I'm exhausted. [01:07:09] And I'm afraid she's somehow, in her mind, going to conclude something about me that I don't want her to do, because I don't want to have to think about it. I don't want her to somehow... (pause) you know, you never want those conversations where it's like, "We've got to talk." You don't want that. I don't want to talk about certain things. I don't want to talk about this job thing, and yet I'm sure it underlays everything.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it might be the thing that makes her feel cared for. (pause) [01:08:16]

CLIENT: So for my morning class I felt like it's weird. It's like this performer comes out. I feel like I... (chuckles) you don't see it. Barbara doesn't see it. The only people who ever see it are people in my classes, right? But there is this sense of people feeling good and engaged and I feel like I'm just on show and I teach and I'm dynamic and funny. And yet, I'm the only person who knows that and people in the class; but the people in my life are never in my classes, so I feel like I'm always expressing to you, to my math teacher, or to Barbara, this self doubt or being equivocal or whatever. But when I'm on stage, I have the answers and people look at me with interest and they're intrigued. And then I go get in the car and it's like, "Oh. Now I go home." [01:09:22]

THERAPIST: Yeah. You lose that. You lose that. I think going into this kind of conversation it really gets lost.

CLIENT: Anyway, I know we're running late.

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