TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [Silence from 00:00:04 to 00:00:29]
CLIENT: ...But when it was, it was pretty nice (pause) and very different.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:00:36 to 00:00:49]
CLIENT: I think the things that were (pauses) that were contributing to my (pause) not liking focusing and accepting those things are (pause) not liking and accepting (pause) such intense and repetitive feelings about you. (Pause) Or I fear like, related to the fear that I (pause) am going to lose my mind...
THERAPIST: Hm.
CLIENT: ...Like, then I'm going to become crazy.
THERAPIST: Oh.
[Silence from 00:01:41 to 00:01:50]
CLIENT: And, like, some sense of what an a normally functioning mind with control over her thoughts and feelings looks like and what does and what doesn't fit. [00:02:05]
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:02:07 to 00:02:14]
CLIENT: So I think (pause) part of the amazingness about medication is it is an opportunity to retrain and [inaudible at 00:02:26] gives you an opportunity to retrain or readjust [both things] (ph).
[Silence from 00:02:35 to 00:02:46]
THERAPIST: Yeah, my impression is different. It is that (pause) it is the things that are (pause) difficult to bear, usually, for reasons that aren't clear, that, um, (pause) won't dissolve. [00:03:13]
[Silence from 00:03:15 00:03:25]
CLIENT: Um, yeah. (pause) I think there is also a...
THERAPIST: Oh, [everything there] (ph)...
[Silence from 00:03:34 to 00:03:40]
CLIENT: There is also some aspect of repetition and revolution (ph) that needs to be a symptom of...
THERAPIST: Hm.
CLIENT: ...My mind right now. So it is not necessarily that it is, like, so scary that I [can't bear it] (ph). [00:04:00]
(Pause) It is like [inaudible at 00:04:06] and I duck. Do you know what I mean? (pause) But, you know, you (pause) even that sort of falls down after looking at it for a while. (Pause) I think it is really hard to feel (pause) what I feel, (pause) like I want to fuse with you (pause)... [00:05:03]
THERAPIST: Hm.
CLIENT: ...I want (pause) there is, like, nothing I don't want.
[Silence from 00:05:13 to 00:05:37]
CLIENT: Do you [feel it] [ph]?
[Silence from 00:05:39 to 00:05:58]
THERAPIST: Um, [shifts in seat] (pause)... [00:06:00]
[Silence for 00:06:00 to 00:06:27]
THERAPIST: When I look at (pause) imagine I don't know that in a question like although [there is a text of] [ph] (pause) how much are we on the same page, like how much is there on that [you think is already in place] [ph]. [00:07:00]
CLIENT: Mm-hmm, and like (pause) how much can I get away with not explaining.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
CLIENT: It is hard to explain. (Pause)
[Silence from 00:07:17 to 00:07:48]
CLIENT: Is that wrong [ph]?
[Silence from 00:07:50 to 00:08:18]
[00:08:00]
THERAPIST: I (pause) I think you wanted to be eased [ph] in it could [rate as the higher of all of them] [ph].
CLIENT: Mm-hmm. (Pause) And dealing with it is not happening dealing with the bad kind of [inaudible at 00:08:46].
THERAPIST: Uh-huh, yeah.
CLIENT: Or not being able to see it the way that much of it is happening, and focusing on [less energy] [ph].
THERAPIST: Uh-huh.
[00:09:00]
[Silence from 00:08:58 to 00:09:05]
THERAPIST: I meant sorry not being able to deal not being able to see the way that it is happening?
CLIENT: Or, like, (pause)...
THERAPIST: Not knowing to the extent to which it is happening?
CLIENT: Yeah, and and (pause) that not being enough.
THERAPIST: Uh-huh. (Pause)
[Silence from 00:09:24 to 00:10:16]
[00:10:00]
CLIENT: But I think (pause) I think of it is sexual and some of it is not at all.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:10:25 to 00:10:45]
CLIENT: So it pretty much, um, (pause) started [falling down] [ph] with that this weekend, and (pause) so I had to excuse myself and cry, but I saw [him differently] [ph]. Jeremy didn't really know what was going on. And then [inaudible at 00:11:10] [00:11:10]
THERAPIST: How are you guessing [ph] than that? I mean, I'm not like, in a way, but (pause) [kind of sad] [ph].
CLIENT: Mm-hmm. It was sad. (Pause) It was also interesting. I think I was crying because (pause) it was so easy to imagine having sex with you and (pause) it was so easy to be having sex with Jeremy, and both things just became one thing and it was completely confusing and overwhelming, and very sad. (Pause) And yet it was also like liberating. [00:12:32]
THERAPIST: Because that is sort of (pause) uh, (pause) I'm trying to say, like, those are [contained paths] [ph] that you're already doing?
CLIENT: Yeah, and there is so much that doesn't get captured in words then, but (pause) gets captured quite nicely during sex (pause) or (pause) physical contact.
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:13:13 to [00:13:22]
CLIENT: So it was like I was able to have that experience. (Pause) I was able to get a lot closer to experience that experience than than...
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm, [inaudible at 00:13:35]?
CLIENT: ...Than talking about it hear and thinking about it.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Yeah.
[Silence from 00:13:42 to 00:13:54]
THERAPIST: Second [ph] is a very direct experience of (pause) or not being said or experienced.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: ...That he sort of alluded to [his words] [ph] here. [00:14:07]
CLIENT: And it was a very direct experience of the way in which I want to be together and how I can't [ph]. (Pause) It was kind of like the closest I'm going to get or something.
THERAPIST: Mm.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause)
[Silence from 00:14:29 to 00:14:53]
CLIENT: Is this at all conflicting for you? [00:15:00]
THERAPIST: How so?
CLIENT: Um, (pause for 18 seconds) like what you want to do and what you will do, (pause) or are doing and can do?
[Silence from 00:15:39 to 00:16:16]
[00:16:00]
THERAPIST: Sure. Um, (pause for 12 seconds) I mean, (pause) like a simple example would be that (pause)...
CLIENT: You know, the...
THERAPIST: Certainly, things I want to do like to be reassuring and supportive, and affectionate, that to kind of help you with pain that you're feeling now, though I (pause) don't think it would sort of ultimately be very helpful. [00:17:28]
CLIENT: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:17:31to 00:17:47]
THERAPIST: Or, you know, (pause) ways that I feel bad for some of the painful things that you're feeling but can't (pause) uh, sort of (pause) help with, (pause) you know, in a kind of immediate way (pause) by... [00:18:40]
CLIENT: OK.
THERAPIST: ...Being reassuring and supportive.
[Silence from 00:18:48 to 00:19:12]
[00:19:00]
CLIENT: I don't know. (Pause)
[Silence from 00:19:14 to 00:19:27]
THERAPIST: I'm not I imagine there is another part to the question that I didn't really answer, but, you know, (pause) am I conflicted in around, like, you know, what the boundaries are and the rules [ph] that I am to follow? [00:20:01]
But, essentially, I (pause) wasn't really speaking to that.
CLIENT: It is not so much about whether you think the boundaries should be there or whether you're going to follow them but (pause) there is like a part of (pause) my experience is if somebody (pause) knows that somebody else wants to have sex with them, (pause) that is a pretty provocative very evocative opportunity [ph] position to be in, to be seen like. [00:21:12]
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
CLIENT: ...To be seen [inaudible at 00:21:18] that you aren't in that position.
THERAPIST: Of being like stirred up in some way or...?
CLIENT: Yeah.
[Silence from 00:21:32 to 00:22:17]
[00:22:00]
THERAPIST: Yeah, I'm just not really [with you] [ph] to (pause)...
[Silence from 00:22:23 to 00:23:12]
[00:23:00]
CLIENT: How you did that [inaudible at 00:23:13] (pause) [inaudible at 00:23:21].
THERAPIST: Mm.
[Silence from 00:23:24 to 00:23:34]
THERAPIST: Do you feel uncomfortable?
CLIENT: No. (Pause) I feel private.
THERAPIST: Mm. [00:24:00]
CLIENT: But I also feel like I want to share those [kinds of] [ph]...
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from 00:24:09 to 00:24:28]
CLIENT: Like, it is so easy to imagine being with you in some way. Why is that? Why can't I sort of seamlessly or (pause) it is not effortless but, like, why can't I go between having you inside me and having Jeremy inside of me? It feels like (pause) just [don't think] [ph] it should take more effort in having [ph]... [00:25:12]
THERAPIST: Mm-hmm.
[Silence from [00:25:13 to 00:25:47] [Car honks a few times at 00:25:35, 00:25:44]
THERAPIST: You said that was maybe there is another way in which it is very much like I am inside of you.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause) [00:26:00]
[Silence from 00:26:01 to 00:26:17]
CLIENT: Not just your penis but like your whole being.
[Silence from 00:26:22 to 00:26:41]
CLIENT: But I want to be inside of you. (Pause)
[Silence from 00:26:44 to 00:26:57]
CLIENT: I've dreamt about (pause) where you shared some stuff with me. [Clears throat] (pause) in my dream, when you gave me your tickets to the Wizard of Oz (pause) and told me that you'd really enjoyed spending time with me, and that you were going to be off [three months to a year] [ph] because your best friend had died while having [systemic infection] [ph]. (Pause) [00:27:43]
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: [Chuckles]
THERAPIST: [Chuckles] (Pause) Well, I have very much enjoyed spending time with you; that much is clearly true.
CLIENT: Thanks.
THERAPIST: Um...
CLIENT: That is what you said (pause) in your [ph] dream. [00:28:08]
Yeah, you were starting to [really know] [ph] things about yourself and being out of character, or having to [inaudible at 00:28:19].
THERAPIST: Mm.
CLIENT: (Pause) I [would hear it] [ph]. (Pause)
THERAPIST: Well, I'm not there yet. Um, (pause) but I'm working on the Wizard of Oz thing and the [inaudible at 00:28:45] months because my best friend died or [inaudible at 00:28:53]. Um...
CLIENT: Oh, and the Wizard of Oz showing [clears throat] was at 1 a.m., and that is why you couldn't go. [00:29:03]
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: And my parents lived with me in my apartment, and were very concerned at going out alone [for me] [ph]. (Pause)
THERAPIST: You have the visions [ph] to either of those, [to any of that, uh]...?
CLIENT: No. (Pause)
THERAPIST: [inaudible at 00:29:45]
[Silence from 00:29:46 to [00:30:21]
[00:30:00]
CLIENT: I guess I feel like I could understand (pause) you [when you're loud] [ph]. (Pause)
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