TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Yeah, what's the story?

CLIENT: Yeah, so Barbara's – she's like, ‘Now I'm just sort of, you know, less interested in finding some place that's sort of (inaudible).' She's like, ‘Ah, there's a place down the street, also on' –

THERAPIST: Oh, really?

CLIENT: – not very (inaudible), which is nice. It's a little cottage area, which really like – fashionable corridor, so they could list it as –

THERAPIST: It's still where you are and all that?

CLIENT: It's (inaudible), yep.

THERAPIST: Ah.

CLIENT: (laughs) So, so –

THERAPIST: That's a little light.

CLIENT: – so she – she said, ‘Yeah, check it out,' yesterday. ‘Just go down and see what you think.' So we just, you know, walked down. I call Ethan, because Ethan, you know, knows all about houses. And he lives just three houses down.

THERAPIST: Oh?

CLIENT: So –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: So he goes, ‘Yeah, yeah, let's' – you know, he seemed – you know, he was interested. So he shows up and it's just fascinating listening to him go on because he just knows so much and he points out –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: – these little things, and – just structurally, and the history, and so forth. So it's really, truly like walking around with an instructor. [00:01:53]

THERAPIST: Yeah, ok.

CLIENT: And you know, he's showing, you know, this pipe and that pipe and what they do, and you know – so here's the thing. On the outside of the house, it looks like this little Alpine thing, because it's in – it has this little front-end thing with a little – really, really pointy steep, steep roof at the entrance. And the whole – the house, the front of the house is bright orange.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: I mean, so clearly it needs to be repainted. It's not that big. We've looked at other places that are really big. In fact, we looked at a place earlier today that was this big three-story thing that was 2,100 square feet. And for me, I feel like, you know, if you're going to get a house, get a house that's big and spacious.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: But she's like, ‘No, it just costs too much to heat.' I'm like, ‘Ok, so we're' – you know, so I mean – you know, that's not an issue. It's like me and (inaudible). Like, they could be interested in growing up in a large house.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Certainly enough, she just seems cramped. So I see now – I feel – the big house, I feel like, ‘You know, this is a good house.'

THERAPIST: Oh, Ok. Ok.

CLIENT: Any way –

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So this little place, it's 1,200 square feet, three bedroom. So it's not much bigger than what we have now. And you know, needs a new roof, marginally, but needs a roof, needs to be painted desperately. So this is the first thing – and I don't guess you have to see it. You know, I'm like, ‘Yeah, whatever.' And Barbara saw it this morning. She's like, ‘I really like it.'

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And I was looking at it again thinking, ‘Yeah, I mean, I think it's cute. It's a great neighborhood.' So we went again. So now she's seen it twice, I've seen it three times.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: And –

THERAPIST: Oh, because the second time you went with Ethan.

CLIENT: The first time I went with Ethan.

THERAPIST: Oh?

CLIENT: Yesterday – so yesterday with Ethan. This morning with Barbara –

THERAPIST: And then back?

CLIENT: – and again, with our real estate agent. And then after that, a few hours later, we went back and saw it again.

THERAPIST: Ah.

CLIENT: Because at that point we discussed and thought, ‘This could work.'

THERAPIST: Oh, Ok.

CLIENT: So I'm pleased in some – I'm pleased fundamentally because it is – I like our neighborhood and so it's just really three blocks down. So – and it has a driveway. [00:04:15]

THERAPIST: Oh, Ok. Off street?

CLIENT: Yeah, so it has a garage and it's – so that's nice.

THERAPIST: Oh, it has a garage, too? Ok. Not just a driveway.

CLIENT: And a big, big, big, big backyard.

THERAPIST: Oh, really?

CLIENT: Uh –

THERAPIST: Oh, wow.

CLIENT: – and there's a pool. So it's – it's nice.

THERAPIST: There's a pool?

CLIENT: There's this – there's this big, sort of like solid, above-ground pool.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: Which – as pools can get – I mean, I'm from Oregon, right? I mean, I – I know pools. So – but it has – you know, in terms of, you know, an above-ground pool, it's solid and has a little deck around it and –

THERAPIST: Is that right (laughs)?

CLIENT: Um –

THERAPIST: And there's still a yard – I mean, there's still gonna be a yard?

CLIENT: Oh, a massive yard. Oh, it's huge. It's really –

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: Yeah. It's – it's from the back – so the back porch. So yeah, the back – it goes all the way – 85 feet by 50 feet.

THERAPIST: Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. Yeah, that's big.

CLIENT: It's a big yard with trees and – so you know, it – there's something charming about it. And inside, you go in and it's – really, it's sort this very, very textured stucco –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: – which I like, because that's sort of this Spanish –

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: – feature that is common in Oregon –

THERAPIST: Oregon, yeah. Right, right.

CLIENT: – fine. On the inside very nice. [00:05:55]

THERAPIST: It was nice on the inside?

CLIENT: It was very nice. But yeah, it's just each room you go in you sort of – you – you feel like you have to just disasso – disassociate yourself from the current culture that exists.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: I think, ‘OK, so we'll take down the solidarity dyke power signs and' –

THERAPIST: Really? You sure you want to?

CLIENT: (laughs)

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: Anyway, you know, the basement – there's leakage in the corner, but – not leakage, but just sort of moist. And Ethan said, ‘Oh, well, basements are wet. That's just the way it is.' You know, in my basement – and he says, ‘But the issue' – so we were on the outside yesterday. He said, ‘Well, the thing is, their down spouts just need to be righted. They seem to put them out every five feet, so it's not draining directly in the corners.'

THERAPIST: OK.

CLIENT: He goes, ‘So that will help significantly.

THERAPIST: OK.

CLIENT: Anyway. So the offer needs to be – they're – they're going to be looking at offers tonight at 7:00. And this is this whole thing that I – like it feels weird to me, because I feel everything's blind. Right? So I don't know. There's another offer. It's all the same – the real estate agent is the, you know – their seller – on the seller's side. There's been an offer. So it's listed at $485,000. You know, that's – so you don't know what the offer is. [00:07:40]

THERAPIST: Yeah, right.

CLIENT: You know, so it's sort of weird. So I was talking to Melinda about that, thinking like, ‘Well, how – we don't know. We have – we have no idea.' I mean, we know that it needs work, but it's like – so – so she goes, ‘Well, what do you want to do?' And – and I said, ‘Well, is there any way of just sort of having sort of a – a more competitive chance, in terms of bidding, where you have a sense of what's going on? She's goes, ‘Well, I can't do that.' And I said, ‘Well, why can't you just simply say – why can't you just give a range and then say well best something?' Right? And so she goes, ‘Well, it's called escalating. You can do an escalated bid.' She goes, ‘It can upset people.' And I said, ‘Well, you just put more – you just put boundaries on it.' You know, offer up 4 as a minimum and 490 as a max, and go up by increments of a thousand over every other bid.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And she goes – well, she goes, ‘Yeah.' So she goes, ‘Let's do that.' And I said, ‘Well, that's – we should have done that earlier, because that just makes much more sense.'

THERAPIST: Interesting. Yeah, that's a good idea. [00:08:37]

CLIENT: You know? It's sort of like – she goes, ‘Well, think about it from the other side, from the seller's point of view' – she wants people to – I mean, they want people to be nervous because that's going to increase, possibly, you know, offers, you know. So it's who knows?

THERAPIST: Right. Right.

CLIENT: I mean, who knows? Right? So we like the place and if somebody else actually, you know, said 460, which still is below offering –

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I don't know. So who knows? I'm new to all of this and I'm not clearly revved up about it. But I am pleased thinking that it could be sort of a painless lateral move.

THERAPIST: Hmm. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Literally a lateral move.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Any way. So there's that. My main thing lately is just thinking about math so – so today has been a day of distraction. I haven't even been thinking about math and then – interest rates, which even that is boring now. [00:09:48]

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: There's an app for that, right? The slide phone, to transfer –

THERAPIST: Oh, Ok. When you plug in what the mortgage is?

CLIENT: Yeah, how much down, what the interest rate is –

THERAPIST: How much down is –

CLIENT: What the – it's easy –

THERAPIST: What your monthly –

CLIENT: Yeah, so it's easy. So now it's just an issue of do we really bite the bullet and actually press go? But I've already – she's already written the check, I've already taken a high-res photo of it so it can be jpegged and be sent to the real estate office.

THERAPIST: And you've just got what bid you're going to make at this point?

CLIENT: Yeah. Well – decide, yeah, what – the range and whether we really want it.

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: Because I called Ethan on the way here and I said, ‘We're thinking about doing this. Barbara really likes it and I think it's perfectly nice, but there's some issues that need to be dealt with,' like a wealth of paintings and – and he – you know, back – what we said yesterday. You know, it's really cute, it's beautiful on the inside, which it is. [00:010:58]

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And you know? The kitchen is smaller than what we have now, but it's perfectly fine and it's – it's open, so it's (inaudible) and you can open it up more if you want. Of course, all of this costs money, but I mean, at least it has that, which other houses, the kitchen is in the corner and what do you do?

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: It's just – you can't – there's no wall to knock down.

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: Where this actually opens in – into the dining room. You know, the bathrooms are fine. Not as big as ours. We have a giant walk-in glass shower, so it's hard to beat our bathroom now. It's hard to beat a lot of what we've got now. It's a nice place.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that's what I was wondering. How – how it feels to (inaudible) –

CLIENT: Yeah. Well, I mean, the house now is – I mean, we have a great big kitchen and a nice big bathroom. [00:011:54]

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And so, any time I walk into a kitchen that's smaller, I feel like, ‘Eh.' Any time I walk into a bathroom that doesn't have a big, beautiful walk-in tiled shower, I feel like this is the –

THERAPIST: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.

CLIENT: And the gain is – well, the gain is I guess it's – you know, it's – it's a house.

THERAPIST: It's funny. When I was (inaudible) here – I've heard real estate agents saying that it's a bathrooms and kitchens that sell places.

CLIENT: I'm sure. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: And Barbara somehow feels like we don't need a giant kitchen. She's ok with a smaller kitchen, and maybe this her – you know, where everything's smaller.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: But we spend a ton of time in the kitchen –

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: – I mean, it's the quality of life, having a kitchen. You know, just – it's a big thing, you know? Parties where people come over and eat in the kitchen. You know, it's a center of gravity like. It's the place where you do stuff, as opposed to just sit.

THERAPIST: So – you've got a house –

CLIENT: What's that?

THERAPIST: – a house, yeah.

CLIENT: The other two things beside like the abstract world of mathematics, which is – you know a long time (inaudible) –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: – our – dealing with practical issues. So two different things happening. I wake up each, for the past few mornings – two mornings, and have written these excoriating e-mails, which I have not sent. You know, I made them more or less this morning thinking, ‘Maybe whatever irritations I feel really are in full-bloom in the morning. Maybe I'm not a morning person.' [00:014:24]

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: And I have the wherewithal to not press send. But the thing is I wake up and I'm generally ok. I'm happy. I make tea and I'm usually pretty pleasant. And then I start thinking about something that's irritating, where like – what's the – what's the fly in the ointment? And then I realize –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: – I really don't like the fly in the ointment.

THERAPIST: Ahh.

CLIENT: Everything is nice, except for that one thing. So here's the thing that's not nice: linear algebra. The teacher, named Elliott, is a really good teacher and he looks pretty much, and acts pretty much – and speaks in such a way that is pretty much David Duchovny. David Duchovny could just step in and teach linear algebra then the people might not notice that that had occurred.

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: So – and there's two course assistants. One is a college student whose name is Allen Prusso (sp), and he's really great, and – not a super good teacher, but as an undergraduate, he knows math and he's pleasant and he wants to help. He's a good guy. And he's always available. He – I mean, he – for some reason, I think he – he likes me, so I think there's – there's a rapport, so you know – so on occasion, you know, when I need help, he'll make a point of, you know, meeting me for a half hour at the library, which is well – you know, above and beyond the call of duty. He's got office hours, he's got section times, and he'll meet with me in addition. So I like Allen. He works hard. Then there's a woman named Miriam Ellis who I've seen but once, and that wasn't even this semester. That was (inaudible) calculus last year. [00:016:19]

THERAPIST: Didn't go to the classes?

CLIENT: Allen does.

THERAPIST: She – she doesn't?

CLIENT: Because Allen's a good guy. Miriam – and in fact, I was talking to Allen about this. He goes, ‘Yeah. I've only met her once.'

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And –

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: – he – she lives with Elliott, the algebra teacher.

THERAPIST: Ah.

CLIENT: MIT, BU. So he teaches both places. MIT during the day, BU at night. And so then – and so this is how I – this will explain the venom in my e-mails that I have not pressed send on. And I did not know that they lived together. I somehow thought that they knew each other, but that they lived together – I entertained that possibility, but now I know it concretely, because he said that to me last night. Allen did. There's a lot grading that goes on in any math course clearly. And so on the website, Miriam – there's this thing that says, you know, re – Miriam is available for help, and she can meet at public – or she can meet at night at the public library. That's fine. So last Wednesday, I e-mailed Miriam to get help for this week, today or tomorrow, because I knew Allen, who is a college student, would have mid-terms. And I thought that even though Allen would make time for me, because he's a good guy, I thought, ‘You know, I'll just ask – I've sort – never gotten help from Miriam. Let's get help from Miriam. So I sent this very friendly e-mail. It's like, ‘I know we've never met, but you know, I can be available, you know, at these times and these days, and if we could meet that would be perfect. And this generally what I want to talk about and if we could spend 45 minutes together going through these comp sets that would be wonderful.' You know, and – and, ‘Thanks.' No response. [00:018:31]

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: No response Wednesday. So that e-mail was Wednesday at noon.

THERAPIST: And she's available? She said she's available on Wednesday at –

CLIENT: She's available – she's general – not specific times, generally available.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: But you would think that – you know, so that's – that's sort of unclear when she's available, but you would think that if you send an e-mail and they would give a response, like, ‘Oh, I'm busy that day and that day, but I could do this day.'

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: That's the normal thing, right? So Wednesday goes by, nothing. Friday goes by, nothing, no response. So I talked to Allen and he goes, ‘Oh, yeah.' He said, ‘Well, try this e-mail instead, because the e-mail that she has on the website she probably doesn't check that very much.' So he gave me this other e-mail, which is Miriamspirit@gmail. So I now send an e-mail on Saturday morning to both e-mail addresses, Miriam –

THERAPIST: Miriam's spirit?

CLIENT: – .math and then also Miriamspirit@gmail, and I tried another friendly e-mail, thinking, ‘Oh, maybe she just didn't get the previous one, better to use honey than vinegar, just be a nice guy.' So I e-mailed again saying, ‘Hey, hope you got this e-mail, hope all is well. I could really use some time if you happen to have it. I could be available like I said in the previous e-mail, duh, duh, duh. Thanks very much. S (sp).' Right. Friendly. This is Saturday morning. All of Saturday goes by, no response. All of Sunday goes by and no response. It is now Monday and no response. So yesterday morning, I woke up about – this is really unacceptable.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: So I wrote this just absolutely excoriating e-mail –

THERAPIST: Ah.

CLIENT: – which basically said – well, one of the many, many sort of barbs in it was to juxtapose a good teaching fellow, Allen, with a bad teaching fellow, Miriam. And another was to say that it – I said, ‘Forgive me if this is an inaccurate assessment, but is it possible that MIT funds two course assistants because of the number of students, and yet you only have one in practice, and somehow you just get paid and I'm not sure what you do.' I said, ‘Allen grades and Elliott grades. Elliott writes the exams, Allen holds office hours and gives resuscitation sections' –

THERAPIST: Oh, Miriam doesn't do any of that?

CLIENT: ‘Elliott maintains the website, so what exactly do you do, Miriam?' [00:21:17]

THERAPIST: Miriam doesn't grade or –

CLIENT: Miriam doesn't – as far as I can tell, nothing.

THERAPIST: Is that right? Ok.

CLIENT: So I'm thinking, ‘How interesting.' Anyway, so I write this venomous e-mail –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I'm very tempted to CC Elliott. I mean, I think – and then Elliott likes me and this might – it's like pulling at me, although, it could be inaccurate, I think. So then I think, ‘Ok, I'll save it as a draft.' You know, to be continued. And as the course of this day proceeds, I feel like, ‘Ok, that's probably a good thing, not to have sent it,' because then you – you – you know, you can't focus on your study because you're worried about the repercussions. You send crap out, you're expecting crap back. Inaccurate crap. Anyway, so then this morning again I wake up and I'm like, ‘Fucking hell.' So I'm like brrrrrrrr (makes noise). You know, another venomous e-mail –

THERAPIST: Geez.

CLIENT: – right?

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And I'm cut and pasting from the previous e-mail, so I'm just augmenting this –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – you know, this –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – and then again, I don't press send, because I feel like, ‘Hmm.' And now I (inaudible) knowing that Miriam lives with Elliott. Now their – he's probably got a roommate situation, it's probably a long-standing roommate situation, because her credentials say BU, Brandeis. He was at BU and at Brandeis, and now he's back at BU, so I feel like there's probably some parallel –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – going on there. So who knows what the relationship is. And that – that draft I had in fact CC'd Elliott. I was like, ‘Don't press send. Don't – just don't press send.' So I didn't press send. So then we went and looked at the house and that whole thing happened, and blah, blah, blah. And then later, before coming here, I went and looked at the same house for the third time, I thought, ‘Well, I'll just send directly to Elliott an e-mail saying I could really use some help, I could use you at MIT, because I know that's probably best for you. And I know it's –you're really busy, but I tried e-mailing Miriam twice and she hasn't gotten back to me.' After I sort of sent these e-mails and to avoid – and so I guess – you know, (inaudible).

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: ‘Best, S.' Right? So a little bit of humor, a little bit of jab. I –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – because I have no way of knowing that in fact they live together. So it's very friendly, I wasn't throwing her under the bus entirely. But I was expressing the fact that she never wrote me back. You – you know, he probably might admit – maybe he feels silly, maybe he's exasperated with Miriam Spirit. But blood is thicker than water, so maybe he feels like that – or maybe – whatever. It's just a subtle (inaudible). So I haven't gotten anything on it, it's only been a couple of hours, so I haven't gotten –

THERAPIST: You just wrote that today?

CLIENT: I just wrote that. [00:24:20]

THERAPIST: Ok. All right.

CLIENT: So not venomous towards Miriam, but just explaining –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – how I tried. Allen's busy, Allen would meet with me. Miriam, since last Wednesday, I've been trying to contact her and it's literally sort of come to this, so I need help, and so now it's in your court.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: ‘So – I tried other routes. And so Miriam hasn't let you down, so if you feel like you could be – it's time to help a student, you can talk to your roommate.'

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Any way.

THERAPIST: Yeah, what did that – what – what – was there anything to echo – what did Miriam not getting back to you –

CLIENT: That's the thing. Like what the – what the – the thing is – because this is the thing, too. I wasn't holding out much hope that she would be any good. It wasn't like I was really feeling like, ‘Oh, Miriam.' But I had – I've known (inaudible). She's a really good teacher? I don't know. Bottom line, she's a course assistant, so she clearly knows linear algebra. I mean, you would think. I mean, I'm sure she knows more than I do. So – but I wasn't feeling like, ‘Oh, she's this great resource.' I just sort of thought, ‘Allen's busy, Elliott's busy, she's one of the three people, give her a chance.' Then she doesn't get back to me. And then all of the sudden it just became this thing.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: This sensation. And at that point, I had more than one draft saying – saying, ‘At this point, you probably realize, because of the acrimony, that your help will probably be too little too late, and any relationship we could have, in terms of you being a teacher and me being a student, you know, sort of – that ship has sailed.'

THERAPIST: Uh-huh, yeah.

CLIENT: So at this point, I don't want her help, because I'm irritated. [00:26:13]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But you know, what was irritating – and I guess, yeah, that feeling of being ignored is just outrageous.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I –

CLIENT: I mean, I'm not expecting Miriam to get back to me necessarily on the same day. But really, five days?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Holy hell.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's unacceptable.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh. It's being ignored is being –

CLIENT: Being ignored.

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: Which – and I – and I mean – you know, it –

THERAPIST: Something –

CLIENT: – I'm not someone who's glued to a feeling, like there has to be an instant response. I respect people who just want to check e-mails like once a day.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: That's fine. That's ok. But yeah, after 24 hours had passed, and then 48, give me a break. Because it's your – it's your job. So – so there's that. That er, that irritation. And so –

THERAPIST: Kind of blowing – sort of a sense that she's blowing it off, that kind of thing?

CLIENT: Yeah, and I thought, ‘Well, what's going on with her?' And I also put this in an e-mail, saying you know, ‘Forgive me, because I – I have to entertain the possibility that you're out of the country and away from a computer. That you might be sick, that you might have a family emergency. So if those things are the case, I certainly understand why you could not get back to me.' [00:027:44]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I had to allow for that. I also had to allow for the fact that she has an incredibly robust spam filter, right, where basically she has to know the person or it goes straight to spam. It's just spam. But –

THERAPIST: Not a good idea for –

CLIENT: – which is why, you know, I – I sent it from – you know, a gmail address, my .math address. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah, she probably – she's just blowing it off.

CLIENT: So basically – so Allen last night had a review. You know, again, he's nice and helpful. You know, good guy. So I was explaining this to him and he's – he's sympathetic and he's – you know. And that's what he said, you know, that they lived together. And so –

THERAPIST: They live together –

CLIENT: I'm like you know maybe they're keeping the money in house. She's not really a course assistant, it's just a matter of MIT is giving the money to a course assistant, so just –

THERAPIST: Yeah. Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Right? And maybe he sort of didn't want to totally endorse that possibility because he's sort of innocent, maybe he doesn't even contemplate such an idea, although (inaudible).

THERAPIST: Yeah, right. He must not what the work load is (laughs) –

CLIENT: Yeah, really. Absolutely. It's ok that you don't know it.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And he (inaudible), which is phenomenal. And what else did he say? There's a – I don't know, I forget – there was something that he said that was – you know, I don't know. So with all of that, I get home feeling satisfied with the review and pleased and connected to the – to the class in a real way, other than this abstract way. You know, like real people talking about it, which is immensely helpful. [00:29:53]

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: It's real. It's conversational, which is so great, as opposed to just looking at the book and doing the math, writing proofs. So I get home – on the way – on the way home to see a Bruins game. I get Tuck (sp). The Bruins lose in the end. I get home, eat, it's like, you know, 9:30. I turn on the TV, see what I've recorded, very happy that a new episode of Airplane Disasters has been recorded. The third season has begun.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And – it just keeps recording. I've seen them all the first two season, so it's a new season. And what they do is for an hour they go through and recreate and discuss and do lots of interviews.

THERAPIST: It's kind of a History Channel type of thing?

CLIENT: Yes. With – with plane crashes, which is, you know, fascinating. So they did this crash of a PSA jet, 1978 in San Diego, the worst American plane crash, pre – pre-9/11.

THERAPIST: PSA. What was PSA?

CLIENT: PSA. Pacific Southwest Airlines. PSA.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And there were these jets that were painted in the pottery colors on the side, so orange and yellow across the side. And on the front of the plane, underneath the cockpit, was this big smiley face –

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: – painted.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And PSA was great. And everyone loved PSA and they were just a great company, and the employees liked it. I mean, that was the thing. It was really just an airline, big smiley face, great commercials. Everyone was very positive about PSA. And then – so in 1978, September 25th, you know, you hear in the news that this plane crashed. [00:31:56]

THERAPIST: Hey – I – one second. I just realized I'm blocking somebody in and I'm worried he might be trying to –

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause while THERAPIST leaves the room)

THERAPIST: I don't think he – I'm going to write him a note because I couldn't find him. (leaves room again) Ok.

CLIENT: So just checking e-mail. [00:33:44]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I e-mailed Allen at the same time I e-mailed Elliott. And you know, Allen gets back to me, always positive. He says, ‘If you want to meet for a half hour tomorrow, no problem.'

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: Meanwhile, no Miriam. Anyway, so – so this plane crash – so –

THERAPIST: Yeah. Sorry about that.

CLIENT: – so PSA – and it was this – it was this shocking event, because it was a midair collision right above San Diego, right – right near Lindbergh Field. You know? PSA's on approach, and a Cessna, psssssh (makes noise).

THERAPIST: Oh, wow.

CLIENT: Falls to the ground, everyone dead. Everyone dead, including 7 people on the ground, it just – you know, it's housing – just landed on a bunch of houses, just wham!

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Big thing of smoke, everyone could see it. So coming home from school, finding out about this accident – I mean, you're hearing about it in school, and then on the way home, driving home and listening to the radio, and then going home and watching the news, and just like, ‘Oh, my God.' Because PSA, as a kid, it's like – first of all, you just like planes, but also it was PSA. It had a big smiley face on it. So – so really it was this anthropomorphized thing. You really have affection for these planes, and the really great commercials. Everyone's really friendly, and the planes – you see the planes flying over with a big smiley face. And –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: – and there – there – bam! So it was just horrifying, and you know, descriptions of – there was just body parts everywhere and just – ugh.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: And – and how's that happen? Right? Well, it's a congested – it's congested – I guess – and last night they were saying on this program that it's the busiest single runway airport in the country. And it deals with 800 flights a day. [00:35:40]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: When you go to the park, by the way, they have this outdoor theater. And so we used to go it all the time to see musicals and plays and so forth. And every three minutes, which is amazing, you know, to watch Oklahoma or Evita – every three minutes the conductor – we couldn't see it, but the conductor would just send a signal. All – everything would just stop because the planes come down so low over it that you just couldn't hear, right? So that was 15 seconds of just – pause, and then the conductor would send a signal and immediately everyone would pick up exactly where they left off. Every three minutes, because the planes just kept flying over, flying over, flying over. Which was cool, because you would watch the plane going, and say, ‘Hmm, a giant plane,' pssssh (makes noise) right over.

THERAPIST: Ok. Yeah.

CLIENT: You know, later on, right, I would just sort of magically end up at the airport, right, and I'd just be depressed and driving around aimlessly. And you know, half hour later, without even thinking about it, I'm just at the end of the runway watching planes take off.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: So– the thing – it's very dramatic. I mean, they come down and it's right over the skyscrapers –

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: – and –

THERAPIST: It's a bit perilous going right over the –

CLIENT: Absolutely. Yeah.

THERAPIST: – almost a cliff.

CLIENT: Yeah. And sort of like – you know, there's this other program to watch about planes, you know, 10 worst airports in the world and Lindbergh is number 9. [00:37:08]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I heard of that. Yeah, that's bad.

CLIENT: So as a kid, right – and just, you know, in watching this last night, you just sort of – feeling that again and watching these newscasts and looking and thinking, ‘Wow, that seems old.' Like you see people in the clothes and the old cars and the footage, it's like, ‘My God.' It's like, ‘That's like in the ‘70s.' It was like – at the time, it was brand new. At the time – it was weird to look back and think, ‘Huh, the world was brand new then. It's not brand new now. How weird.' Like, things – and in seeing that, you know, ‘Why isn't that high-res – resolution?' It's like weird. It's like, ‘People really dressed like that? Like, look at those sideburns, wow.' Not really (inaudible), but I guess they were. They seemed old. Anyway. So you know, and they – you know, and they – they interviewed people and talking about how – just how – they interviewed some guy from the – my local paper, and he was talking about how it was just – the town was in shock. And it absolutely was. Now, granted I was, you know, 12 years old. So maybe a kid's shock is different from adult shock. But somehow it's – had this – I was in shock about it. [00:38:28]

THERAPIST: Yeah, it sounds like a shock of these smiley, happy, you know, positive associations, turning very dark and –

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: – violent, almost. I guess what made me think I was – what made me kind of think about the – you know, the – that – that you were trying to approach the situation with Miriam, you know, very kindly and warmly initially. And then – then feeling all this kind of, you know, frustration and anger with her over the whole damn thing. Like, you know, the smile – you know, you weren't smiling anymore.

CLIENT: Hmm.

THERAPIST: It was kind of –

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.

THERAPIST: – ah –

CLIENT: Hmm.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And the sense, too, of – and this is – this is obvious. I'm not sure what – if it's useful, but it just – you know, you're always juxtaposing the little irritating battles that one fights and the big picture stuff. So the little irritation is I would like to meet with the teacher for an hour, and it's like I don't even – it's not like I can't, because after all, there's Allen, who's available. And after all, I could just study and figure it out. And you know, it's frustrating that –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – versus the real big issues of planes falling out of the sky, which is just absolutely horrifying and seeing – there was a photo – photographer actually watched it happen, so there was actual footage of this – not footage, but there's photographs. [00:040:21]

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: And now there is footage of the Cessna that hit – was hit falling out of the sky. So there is video of that.

THERAPIST: Whoa. Yeah.

CLIENT: And – and you know, this biblical notion of a guy going to bed in Florida, and then the next thing you know, he's 100 feet down in the ground. I mean, it's like (laughs) –

THERAPIST: Sinkhole.

CLIENT: – it's like –

THERAPIST: Hmm. Hmm.

CLIENT: – so it's like, ‘Ok.'

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: There's my fixation in wanting to learn math, and that's very nice to be able to take a course, and that's really nice and good. But then there's issues of being swallowed by the earth, and/or falling out of the sky.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: It's like – so those are – those are more substantial issues, because that's life and death, and that's ultimately what it's about. So while one is living, be friendly.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: Be responsive. And don't – don't – don't let yourself be too negative.

THERAPIST: Yes. Right, right. Like try not to look on the negative side of things or the – or the thought – yeah.

CLIENT: Which is also what I was – you know, I was – that was one of the drafts – I put in –

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: – I – I said, you know, ‘I realize that – that the tone of this e-mail,' – you know, as I used the word, it – as excoriating, but I suppose the void of no response had me so livid and –I'm surprised that it has led to all of this negativity being filled in. It's true. It's like no response. Like something is – ugh. [00:42:21]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, hard to ignore – like a hard to ignore kind of feeling about – you know, that – that – that almost like you didn't want to – you just want to like dismiss these feelings that you're having. You wanted to at least substantiate them with a draft, at least a draft, you know?

CLIENT: And then I – I – so then, you know, like sometimes – like sometimes I'm on the – on the computer, sometimes mail, when you have various e-mail accounts, sometimes – of all the programs on the Mac, it feels like it's the one that somehow screws up. So periodically like – I don't know, like twice a week, I feel like I have to just close out of mail completely and restart it. Well, that happened yesterday, and I was worried, because I was like, ‘Oh, I hope – I hope my drafts have been saved.'

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: Because it sort of made this thing – beach ball – it was sort of like, ‘Hmm, I hope it got saved.' And then I restarted the mail and I'm like, ‘Fuck, I hope I didn't send it.' (laughs)

THERAPIST: Ah.

CLIENT: So then – so I'm – as I was writing all these drafts, I'm thinking –

THERAPIST: You don't want to lose it, but you don't want to –

CLIENT: Yikes. How – how bad would that be if these actually got sent? All of them – both of them, because one you could sort of excuse, but if both got sent, it's like, ‘Yikes, that's really adding on,' because then I would look like a lunatic. [00:44:00]

THERAPIST: Well, then she would really get a grasp of how – of how much you were feeling. She would really know.

CLIENT: Hmm. (pause) In some ways last night, I swear it – like this – linear algebra, unlike other courses, is – is so different. I mean, calculus, there's usually just a general set of ideas and they become much more sophisticated, but there are just the basic ideas. You can differentiate, you can integrate, you can do Taylor Series, and you know, infinite sums and so forth. And you know, it's subtle and it's tricky, and so forth. Linear algebra; infinite dimensions, hover space, the God particle, right angles in the 17th dimension. It's like boop (makes noise). You know? So it's tricky, and it's – you really have to open up your brain. So last night, first time actually being in a group of people for the review, having the sense of like, ‘Other people are wrestling with this, too.' [00:45:26]

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And Allen up front at the board was doing this diagram, it's called a commutative diagram, to explain change of bases formulas. If you want to go from – well, if you want to change how you look at things. So there's this whole mechanism for multiplying matrices, which is really just a composition of functions. But there's a commutative diagram that sort of makes it work, but it's subtle and it's – it's not really clear how the algebra works. And so I was going to ask that – I was going to ask him like, ‘I really don't get this.' And so be – before I even had a chance to ask – there's like 10 of us in the room, and – in Science Center D. And he draws up the diagram and he said, ‘This is really tricky. It took me a long time to figure out.' He said, ‘The problem is there's the picture, there's the algebra. How does the algebra match up to that?' I'm like, ‘Perfect.' That's exactly what I was going to ask.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: And he goes, ‘So this is how we want to think about it.' And he – he said, ‘If you think about the picture in the right way, the algebra makes sense and then you don't have to remember the algebra, because you think – you look at the picture correctly, and the algebra just happens.' And I was like, ‘Thank you, Allen. Excellent.' And then he explains it. You know, it felt so comforting, thinking, ‘Oh, this idea that has really bugged me and is so difficult, for a week, he's – he confirmed.' Like, ‘Yeah, this is tricky.' [00:46:56]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: And I was like, ‘Ah, so I'm not a moron.'

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: People who are good at math struggle.

THERAPIST: They still struggle. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Huh. Yeah.

CLIENT: Which –

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: – is the exact opposite of the feeling which gets extenuated when you are struggling with an idea and you e-mail for help and get no response.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: It's better to have not e-mailed at all, and to think about, ‘I could get help if I had e-mailed.'

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: You're struggling looking at this, you're trying to write a proof, and you're reading this dense math, and you think, ‘I'll write a friendly e-mail and I'll get help. I'm – I'm reaching out to the world saying I want to connect.' And then you don't get it.

THERAPIST: I see. Yeah.

CLIENT: It's – it's better to think that someone would respond if you did e-mail, as opposed to getting – that don't. So then – nah, never mind. You get it. [00:48:04]

THERAPIST: You're reaching out – yeah, you're reaching out to avoid – to a – a void of Miriam – yeah.

CLIENT: And you know, meanwhile, Elliott is a teacher. Again, aka, David Duchovny in the sense that he's irritable. That's the way that David Duchovny's roles usually are. A sort of prickly person, extraordinarily bright, odd, humorous, sharp, is – deep down, really wants – and is a good teacher. He wants to communicate the idea. You know, in class he's funny, you know, in terms of explaining change of bases. He said, ‘We use B for change of bases. It's a script B.' He goes, ‘That's English, that's Bulgarian. You want to do it in English, you do it that way. You want to do it in Bulgarian, you do it that way.' It's like perfect. Ok, remember the little B because it's Bulgarian. ‘For those of you who speak Bulgarian, if you do, of course it's easy for you. Probably most of you don't. Bulgarian is difficult. You need a translation device. What's the translation device? It's matrix A. You use matrix A to get to matrix B.' And he goes, ‘You don't like that, sue me.' It's like, ‘That's funny,' right? (laughs) He goes, ‘You wouldn't be the first one to sue me.' (laughs) [00:49:41]

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: It's just – he's good. He's good. He's a really – he's on stage. He's a good guy. Anyway.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So somehow I thought – well, there's something that's slightly unapproachable about him, because he is intense.

THERAPIST: I know we've got to stop because we – did you have any fantasy of why Miriam wasn't getting back – wasn't responding? I mean, even if it was just personal –

CLIENT: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That – that – that she's a lunatic.

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: Essentially.

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: That she is – has – she's a nut at baseline. She is sensitive to the lack of sunlight in New England. She's overburdened with her life.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: And she is afraid of technology, which is ironic, given that linear algebra is the basis of technology. And she's probably off somewhere dancing by herself or drumming.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh.

CLIENT: You know, I say that because I saw her once and she seemed like this little anorexic, 50-year-old nymph. Eeeee (makes noise). And so I thought, ‘Well, that's Miriam.' And she's only visits people at the public library because she's – believes in that, which is great. So I thought, ‘Ok, she's a socialist to boot.' [00:51:15]

THERAPIST: Ok.

CLIENT: Which is a bad thing, but if you're a firefly – so I just thought, ‘She's a nut. She's just a nutty person and Elliott is a kind person, and he lives – he's a little nutty in his own way. And they're nutty together, and they, together, don't like technology.' He has no cell phone, she has no phone number.

THERAPIST: Ok, yeah.

CLIENT: You know, he always wears the same clothes. You know, these shoes he gets from Wal-mart and – you know, which is cool, right? I mean, he's – he's a nerd. He's not this – I mean, it – it works for him, right? That's who he is. MIT, does not own a cell phone.

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: Right? You know, it's like –

THERAPIST: A walking paradigm.

CLIENT: Exactly. And Miriam is sort of like – they're just sort of – they're just (inaudible) versions.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And they are in their own little world.

THERAPIST: Oh, wow. I'd better stop. Wow. Ok. So I – I told you I'd be gone in two weeks, correct?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah, ok. You're next week, ok. Yeah. Well, good luck with the house, I guess.

CLIENT: Yeah, thanks.

THERAPIST: I don't know where you're – where you're staying exactly now, but –

CLIENT: Yeah, well I – I've been told that – I've been told – I even told Barbara, I said, ‘We can't move before May 12th, because that's when the final exam is.' I can't study linear algebra and really focus on that, which is hard, and be packing up and moving. She totally gets that. She's like, ‘Yeah, of course.' [00:52:50]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Ok, uh-huh.

CLIENT: But this place is April 15 or April 30th or something. It's like, ‘Oh, geez.' Some parties like – you know?

THERAPIST: Wow. I guess you'll know more next week then.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: Because the bid is tonight? Or the –

CLIENT: The – no, no. The – the – the owners look at the offers tonight.

THERAPIST: Oh, the offers.

CLIENT: But who knows whether – you know, it's not like, ‘Ok, it's 7:00. Ok, it's open. Now it's closed, too.' I mean, they could still be undecided, because there's an open house next week.

THERAPIST: Oh, they can?

CLIENT: Well, I mean, I suppose they can. I mean, the –

THERAPIST: Yeah, right, right. They can always turn it down.

CLIENT: – anybody can – anybody can change their mind, too.

THERAPIST: Yeah, right. That's true. They can always say, ‘I don't want to sell it anymore.' Or I don't want – but yeah, that's interesting. [00:53:49]

CLIENT: But yeah, 7:00 tonight, we'll know something, I guess.

THERAPIST: All right.

CLIENT: See ya.

END TRANSCRIPT