TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Did anything come up from our last session that you want to pick up on?

CLIENT: No. I think I was just surprised at how, in some ways, emotional it is to talk. I was feeling that inside and it was something that I haven't felt in a long time. It was good, but it was also surprising because I feel like there isn't a lot that's necessarily very hard to talk about, but I can feel my own resistance to it. So it was just interesting and I was thinking about that.

THERAPIST: What kind of emotions came up? [00:01:02]

CLIENT: Like trepidation or a kind of anxiety, would probably be it, a general feeling of anxiety would be it. Yeah. Vulnerability. I don't know. It's still [ ] (inaudible at 00:01:45) exactly.

THERAPIST: And you said you haven't felt that in a while?

CLIENT: Yeah. [00:01:59] Probably; that exact kind of feeling in quite a while. (pause)

THERAPIST: Did you feel the anxiety in part physically?

CLIENT: Yes. I felt a physical kind of tightness in my chest; like an energy, kind of, vibrating inside. It wasn't, necessarily, a bad thing. I felt good to kind of begin to start treading back into those spaces, but it was a surprise that it ended up that it was there so fast. [00:03:02] (pause)

THERAPIST: One of my thoughts, especially given what you're coming in to work on and you can tell me what works for you I'd like to give you a little bit of space to see what comes up versus interjecting questions, demanding questions, so you have to tell me whether that feels okay for me to kind of sit back a little. (pause)

CLIENT: I think it was also that feeling of, "Oh, am I going to become overwhelmed?" (sighs) It's that same kind of thing that I was struggling with the first time, that feeling that if I do the work that I really want to do internally, that I'm going to get more out of it; and that I won't be able to handle that. I definitely don't like being in control of myself and my emotions, or at least having a steady hand, which isn't always congruent to that sort of expression. I feel they're opposites, a push and pull, really. [00:05:03]

THERAPIST: What comes to mind about being out of control? (pause)

CLIENT: I think the kind of experience I had when I was here a few years ago that I was at the breaking point. That felt out of control. The only other times I can really think of, or what comes to mind, is I remember having tantrums as a kid and feeling completely consumed by anger and rage; and I have pretty vivid memories of that. [00:06:10] (pause) I think it was that uncomfortable kind of feeling, like being consumed by something that feels so alien. When I was a kid I just remember being like, "I don't know why this is happening, but I just feel such strong whatever." I couldn't regulate it. I basically just wore myself out. It was a very stressful experience. [00:07:18]

THERAPIST: Do you remember how old you were during that time?

CLIENT: Probably under five. Yeah. (pause) I couldn't remember any of the incidents like why I got really angry, (pause) but I would usually be sent to my room, which I didn't like. I would also come back out and then usually my dad would come sit in the doorway of my room and kind of hold me back because I would try to get to the door. I would just be screaming. [00:08:19] (pause) I guess part of me is thinking right now that experience is kind of breaking down and my relationship [ ] (inaudible at 00:09:02) as a kid [ ] by something else and not knowing how to deal with it. (pause) [00:09:14]

THERAPIST: Was your dad holding you back in the room? I'm trying to just visualize it.

CLIENT: Yeah, he would usually be sitting with his back to the door. I would try to get to the door and he would put his hands out and just hold not grab, just kind of push me like with a steady resistance so that I couldn't get to the door. (pause)

THERAPIST: Do you have a sense of why he wanted to keep you in the room?

CLIENT: I think it related to whatever proceeded the incident. Something happened and the response was that I was sent to my room and I just wouldn't stay there. I would come back out, and so that was an enforcement of the punishment, per se. [00:10:25]

THERAPIST: And you were being punished for the temper tantrum?

CLIENT: No, I don't think so. I think something happened. I did something and then I got upset. I think usually it would be like something happened, like I did something and it wasn't good. Then it kind of rolled into that. Or it might have been a means of kind of calming me down. I'm not sure. (long pause) [00:12:42] I wonder about because I've never really had a close relationship with my parents, if those experiences, experiences of just feeling different or alien from them and not being able to share what's going on for me . . . I don't know. It just feels (pause) like that was kind of the soup (laughs) of my creation in a lot of ways. [ ] (inaudible at 00:13:35) like our personalities are an important part of that, and that it's contingent on our environments, but it's also not. It's kind of a mix of things. (pause) I don't know. (pause) [00:14:08]

THERAPIST: What comes to mind about the soup? It's an interesting metaphor.

CLIENT: I think we're all strongly impacted by our environments. It's not that I don't think individual responsibilities and [ ] (inaudible at 00:14:35) or that we have agency, but I think so much of our identities, so much of our actions are because of our situations and because of the opportunities or the disadvantages or the situations we've been placed in. I think, for the most part, within my family I was given a lot of support and a lot of space and a lot of freedom in a lot of ways, and that predicted a lot of great things for me. [00:15:12] But it also was a climate that I didn't feel like I could ever express who I was. I think it was also inferred that I could just naturally kind of dumb down, per se, and they didn't give me a facility with dealing with it, so [ ] (inaudible at 00:15:38) I guess I just won't deal with it. So okay. I'll find ways to move around it. So it's that kind of soup that conditions, that we all come from.

THERAPIST: Do you feel like your parents didn't understand the emotions in general, or just not yours?

CLIENT: I feel like . . . I don't know. [00:16:15] I think my parents' relationship to each other, at times, seemed like they would miss each other's meanings, so when there was conflict, they would fight a lot when it did happen. Me and my sister would always be like "What are you actually fighting about?" because with what they were saying, it didn't seem like there should be this sort of emotional response. It always just seemed kind of odd. It was always very quick and there wasn't a lot of processing in front of us. I was never engaged on that level with my parents. (pause) Even now, whenever my parents ask, "How things are going?" it never feels like that's the question is "how are you feeling?" it's more of a "What's going on in your relationships? What are the events?" [ ] (inaudible at 00:17:17). I had to do some assignment where we were supposed to pick a piece of music and talk about why we liked it. I picked some Bach piece and it was kind of a very intense piece. I was writing about how I don't know I was feeling kind of disillusioned because I was trying to figure out who I was, and so I kind of wrote something about how . . . It was really intense and I had a lot of questions and darkness and all this stuff. I was 12 or 13. I remember my mom reading it, for some reason, because I think I shared it with her and I wanted her to know. [00:18:19] And then she basically made me rewrite it to be more reflective of what she thought life was like for me, instead of trying to explore for me what I was trying to express in that. I remember being kind of upset with that. I felt like I had done something wrong, that I wasn't supposed to be feeling confused or upset. (pause) [00:19:09]

THERAPIST: Do you remember how she rewrote it?

CLIENT: Well we kind of sat together and she was like, "Oh, do you actually feel this?" I remember getting the tone that this can't be what you actually mean, so why don't you pick another piece and why don't we talk about why you actually like it. It wasn't like she took a piece of paper and rewrote it for me, it was kind of like "this can't be it." I can't even remember what piece we picked or any of the reason, I just remember sharing that with her and feeling like everything I said was kind of thrown away. [00:20:00] (long pause) [00:21:16]

THERAPIST: It sounds really upsetting.

CLIENT: Yeah. But I don't have a very detailed or intense memory of it, but it's stuck like I can remember that it happened. It felt like a moment where I was trying to [ ] (inaudible at 00:21:45) kind of be authentic or the result was that I didn't; and eventually what I wrote was sensationalized to get more of a response. I can't remember. (pause) [00:22:31]But it kind of continues a trend, especially with my mom, like when I came out to her it was just like, "We love you, but I don't really understand," which I think has been a pretty constant way that I think our relationship has kind of evolved.

THERAPIST: Do you have a sense of what she didn't understand about your being gay?

CLIENT: No. I think that's the part that's the confusing the most. I don't really understand what there is to understand and there is just a . . . her face was just so (sighs) distant and almost tortured. [00:23:43] It made no sense to me. I don't understand what there is to understand. Conceptually it's not a hard thing, so I don't actually think it means "understand."

THERAPIST: Do you think it means "accept?"

CLIENT: Yeah. I think it's a "why" question about "what does this mean for me and what does this mean for who I thought you were?" I think it's all that. [00:24:40] (pause) I had told my dad a year before because he [ ] (inaudible at 00:24:56), so then he asked me. When I decided to tell my mom and my sister it was when we were having dinner and we were finishing up. I was like, "I've got something to say." I said it and my mom's reaction was sad and my dad's reaction was kind of like "why did you do this now?" I can't remember exactly what he said. It was just sort of like, "Why do you get to decide when I get to do this? What do you think would be a more appropriate time? This isn't you." [00:25:42] I remember after I told my dad I biked over to my boyfriend's house and I cried for two hours. It didn't even make sense. I didn't even know why I was crying because he was very accepting in a way, but it was like the emotional water gates had been broken open with that. (pause)

THERAPIST: Were you nervous about telling him?

CLIENT: I think I was, but then he kind of asked me and in that moment I just decided. [00:26:48] I was much more worried about my mother than I was my dad. I didn't even think it would be an issue for my mom. I was definitely beating myself up. I was like, "Why aren't you doing this earlier? You know your parents are going to be accepting." They weren't outwardly hostile, but it wasn't the response I wanted or that I thought was going to happen. (long pause) [00:28:07]

THERAPIST: What is it like to think about it now? (pause)

CLIENT: Upsetting. I think mostly just frustrating, more than anything. Upset. I guess sad. (long pause) [00:29:25] It's been a long time since then, five or six years, and, in a way, it kind of feels like it hasn't even progressed past that or there hasn't been any sort of resolution to that moment. (pause) [00:30:15] It feels a little bit like I don't really get why or like what they think about it or if they do or anything. (pause) I don't usually talk a lot about that sort of stuff anywhere, so I realize [ ] (inaudible at 00:30:43). It's not that it's typical. It's still upsetting. (pause) [00:31:14] I think it's [ ] (inaudible at 00:31:16). I'm trying to figure out what exactly that means, how that's expressed. I don't know if they know necessarily who I'm becoming. I've spent the last five years away from home. I haven't been home well I've been home in those last five years for two months maybe. [00:32:07] We Skype every now and then, but it doesn't feel like it ever captures . . . (long pause) I thought about writing them a letter, but I don't know how it would be received. They don't want it. I think they would be defensive or accusatory, where I just want it to be explanatory. (pause) [00:33:16]

THERAPIST: What would you want to say to them?

CLIENT: (pause) I'd just want to say how difficult it was growing up [ ] (inaudible at 00:33:37) and how alone it felt to have [ ] (inaudible at 00:33:57); not necessarily figure this all out, but how it felt when it was disclosed, when I told them. (long pause) [00:34:56] I just feel like they would get very defensive. They would see it as an attack of their parenting or what not. It really doesn't feel like that. It just feels like a way of me trying to express what it was like, so I've never asked. (long pause) [00:36:39] And I'm just trying to figure out what my relationship is to them just because [ ] (inaudible at 00:36:51) develop friendships in other types of families. [ ] That's kind of a mixed experience. (pause) [00:38:19]

THERAPIST: Do you feel sad talking about this or something else?

CLIENT: Yeah. I think I feel sad. I don't feel anything right now, but I did a few minutes ago.

THERAPIST: Where do you think what you were feeling a few minutes ago went?

CLIENT: (sighs) (pause) [ ] (inaudible at 00:38:54) ability of just pushing it away. [ ] (pause) It feels like it just goes to my chest. (pause)

THERAPIST: Are they kept safe there or are they hiding?

CLIENT: I don't know. (pause) [00:40:06] It feels like whenever I have really intense feelings it's either in my chest or my throat. It's almost like it's seeping up.

THERAPIST: Seeping up, but they don't always quite get out.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I don't know how to get over the fear of it.

THERAPIST: That's what it feels most, like primary, the fear?

CLIENT: The fear of being [ ] (inaudible at 00:41:02)

THERAPIST: Do you think that was your parents' fear in understanding you more? [00:41:16]

CLIENT: (pause) I don't know. Probably. Maybe like they couldn't handle it. Like if they met up, what would they find? It would make life more difficult. (pause) [00:42:28] [ ] (inaudible at 00:42:29) occurs to my mom.

THERAPIST: Like you internalized it somehow. (pause) If the parents can't handle it, how can a kid? (pause) [00:44:06]

CLIENT: You feel so close. I feel like I'm no a threshold and I can never seem to actually . . .

THERAPIST: Get over the threshold.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: We are going to need to stop, but maybe together we can get over the threshold. Why don't we sort of set up some times to meet for the rest of the month so we're all set there. Does that sound good?

CLIENT: That's good.

THERAPIST: Let me take a look. I think I mentioned I leave the 1st, just for a week and a half, but you're going to be gone all of August, is that correct?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay. So let me tell you some times I have next week. I have a 10:00 time on Tuesday. I have a 3:30 time on Wednesday. I have a 4:45 time on Friday. If you want to try and find twice next week, I'm happy to do so. The three times I have are any of those.

CLIENT: That won't work.

THERAPIST: What is your work schedule?

CLIENT: Monday, Wednesday and Friday, 9:00 to 5:00. I have Tuesday afternoons off and Thursday mornings. [00:46:02]

THERAPIST: I see. You're not free in the mornings on Tuesday. You work all day on Wednesdays, but you could do Thursday. Could you do Thursday at 11:50?

CLIENT: No. Actually I'm working late next Tuesday, so I could do Tuesday morning.

THERAPIST: Oh, you can? So do you want to do 10:00?

CLIENT: Sure.

THERAPIST: Okay. What time to you get out of work on Friday?

CLIENT: 5:00

THERAPIST: I'll leave open later on Friday. If we did a 5:15, would that be good?

CLIENT: There's no way I could get here.

THERAPIST: Where are you?

CLIENT: In Cheshire.

THERAPIST: I see. So you'd need either . . .

CLIENT: 5:30. [00:47:12]

THERAPIST: And then you said Thursday morning you could do. Okay. Let's look at the next week and set up a time or two and I'll e-mail you about that, what I can work on. Is your schedule the same the following week?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I can do 10:00 on Tuesday again, but does your schedule change?

CLIENT: Yeah, it's the break in the schedule.

THERAPIST: Okay, so I can do a 3:20 on Tuesday afternoon. Would that work?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Let's do that. And you can do Thursday afternoon, is that correct? But not Thursday morning.

CLIENT: Thursday morning, not afternoon.

THERAPIST: Oh, you could do Thursday morning? I'm actually going to be out of the office in the afternoon on Thursday, but I'll have I don't know exactly either a 9:30 or 9:45, but I can get back to you. Would that work? [00:48:11]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Let me get back to you. It will be one of those times. Okay, so great. Next Tuesday at 10:00 and then I'll see you another time the following Tuesday at 3:20 and then sometime Thursday morning around 9:30. Does that sound good?

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Okay, great. I will see you on Tuesday then. Okay. Take care.

CLIENT: I'm a little bit confused. You're going to invoice and then I take care of that?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Usually I do it at the end of the month, so I'll invoice you for the co-pay and then for the next two months I can process through the insurance and then after that they're not allowing out of network providers to process, so I would give it to you to just mail it. I can tell you how to do that.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay? Take care.

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