TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Sometimes I feel like (chuckles) I come in here like you can be having a perfectly pleasant day and then I'm just going to spend an hour bringing you down.

THERAPIST: Do you ever have that feeling that you've brought me down or that you were going to? [00:01:06]

CLIENT: No, not that I'm noticing you; but I'm always... well... when I'm not feeling energetic, like now, and when I'm agitating and when I'm not simply having sort of intellectual curiosities like math, which I assume is sort of stimulating like [00:01:31]

THERAPIST: A pleasant way to pass an hour.

CLIENT: It seems like you could be having a great day and it's sunny out and taking a walk and then it's like oh, boy. I'm going to you empathize and it's sort of like "brrr" down for an hour. You recalibrate and be neutral. [00:01:55]

THERAPIST: But I'll go with the mood? Hmm.

CLIENT: So the mood is (pause) so background. Karen has been Barbara's mom has been with us for 12 days; had been with us. We spoke fine and the last time we talked about crosswords and stuff. Saturday night we went out to a new place. Cool new pub. We had a great time. Karen was like, "Have a beer. Live a little. Have a beer," because normally, I often don't. I usually don't. In fact, I have Perrier when I go out. I said, "I don't need a beer," or "I'm going to be driving so I shouldn't." [00:03:05] She said, "Have a beer." I had a beer, I'm feeling festive, I finished that. I said, "You know, I'll have another beer." I was just going to have another beer, right? And then we walked in the Hill, so it wasn't an issue driving. Normally if I'm going to drink, two beers is sort of my max; absolutely two pints, that's my absolute max. We were having burgers and she said, "Have another beer. It's all right. Have a beer." So, "No, no, no." "It's all right. Come on. He'll have another beer."

THERAPIST: This is three now?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Okay, so that's over your usual maximum.

CLIENT: Yeah, absolutely. So she orders and she says, "He'll have another one." It's like, all right. I'll run with it. They come from a pub culture. It's her last night, she wants to have a good time, so okay. I'll have a beer, it's going to be fine, it's great, it's fantastic, it's very pleasant. [00:03:59] But we have to get up at five in the morning to take her to the airport. I'm factoring this in thinking, "If I could sleep in, fine." But I'm aware of the fact that I'm going to get six hours of sleep, which is not enough. We get up early and go to the airport. Afterwards Barbara and I are driving because there was a house that I saw. Fine, fine, fine. Yesterday was our first open house so we spent the morning the place is always immaculate, as I don't need to tell you, because Barbara...

THERAPIST: You guys are selling? I didn't know that.

CLIENT: I didn't tell you yeah. She wants a house.

THERAPIST: I don't want you to get off this topic go on. [00:04:54]

CLIENT: That's it. This thing has been going on recently which has really sort of rocked my boat because I like it very much. It's a very nice place in a great neighborhood. I know the neighbors. I like the neighbors. It's just terrific in all kinds of ways and I really like to make it plain because it's very progressive. It's Waltham. Even though it's only two miles away, you feel like...

THERAPIST: Yeah. Uh-huh.

CLIENT: It's just that I'm not of that mindset.

THERAPIST: It's different.

CLIENT: I don't want homes with massive yards where you see lots of conservative things in the yard. They do it in Waltham.

THERAPIST: That's where you're looking?

CLIENT: Well, because Dorchester itself, my house in Dorchester, is $700,000; so for Barbara, $550,000 is the max. So with us, Roslindale, Waltham like we've looked at enough places in Waltham and it's like Jesus, this is far away. There's no train, there's nothing urban about it. Dorchester is cool. You don't really have to leave Dorchester to go out. You can get what you need. You can spend the day, you can survive for a while without leaving Dorchester. So Waltham she's of the same feeling like, man, it's the edge of the earth. We went yesterday and looked at a couple of houses. [00:07:02] Also we're very aware of the fact that our house has been completely de-personalized because there's going to be an open house, right? So there's that very weird feeling that we've left. I was happy the day before mowing the lawn, very happily doing that and weeding and so forth. We have siding, so I was washing that down and scrubbing it with soap because, even though it's clean, sometimes on the north side there's a little bit of green that develops. I'm washing that down and spending a little time on the siding making it neat. Then all the pictures go in and everything, right? You hide your valuables. You're thinking about your place, thinking "what do I want people to see?" It's a very weird way to be. [00:08:01] This is someone who doesn't even like I don't like Facebook. I don't want anybody to know anything about me and now there's a stranger walking in. They're going to arrive; it's 1:00 or 2:00. Fine. So we're looking at places and while we're looking at places people will be looking at our place. There was a very weird feeling about that, plus I hadn't had much sleep. And it's Sunday, 1 PM. So I'm thinking I'm recording the red zone. (laughs) It's like in fast forward, too. I'm thinking because prior I'd said, "Why are open houses on Sunday?" She goes, "When else would they be?" I said, "If you want to get as many people as possible, men on Sunday are not... " She said, "No, no, no. People looking for houses are serious about it." [00:08:59] And I said, "Well, maybe. But is it possible that men sort of go along driven by the women's energy to go and see these places and they do so and what it does is create tension?" She said, "No. There's not a whole lot of football fans." I said, "It's a multi-billion-dollar industry. There are a lot of football fans. If the game was at 1:00 and not at night, do you think I'd be happily going around? I would do it, but there would be tension because I'd be aware of missing it and now I'm recording it. So you're telling me...?"

THERAPIST: If a Patriots' game is on, a quarter of the television sets that are on in New England.

CLIENT: So that's silly. I said, "I'm going to talk to our real estate agent. Sunday at 1:00? Are you kidding me?" She said, "Well, they can't do it on a Saturday." I said, Why can't you do it on a Saturday? Why not?" [00:10:01] So, anyway, we come back finally after looking around, looking at Waltham. Jesus Christ, way the hell out there. We come back and I'm tired. I'm exhausted. It's weird; plus I'm strained from walking through all the houses. I feel like the whole house needs to be cleaned again because of all the dirty fingers touching your stuff. So then I said, "I need to reconnect with myself. I need to just lie down and watch some football because this is all very weird." She goes, "All right. I'm going to go ride the bike. You go and watch football and we'll have some lunch afterwards." So I'm lying there watching that a quarter of the formula-one race aware of this fact that holy hell, it's weird. Everything is put away the magnets, pictures. [00:11:03] The magnets on the frig are gone. So then last night we watched the game, and that itself is the chiller because it's a situation where that's disorienting in the opposite way that putting your house up for open house is disorienting, because in open house you de-personalize; whereas a game like last night is way too aggressive and personal and it is the wild west and there's no control. So you're a fan and you're watching this and you're thinking, "My God, they're fighting all the time." And there's the end of the game and it's midnight and I'm tired. Of course, I'm riveted and I was like, "What a perfect ending." [00:12:04] It's I mean not perfect if you're a Patriot's fan, but I'm sorry about the Chargers winning but the ball goes right over the top of the enterprise. It's not in or out. If the bars were a mile high, it would hit the bar. That's what it looks like. And then Belichick grabs the ref and it's like, of course, it needs to be reviewed. You can't throw a red flag because it's within two minutes, so there's this big thing. I'm tired and I'm watching this and I can't believe this. It's crazy. The NFL is sort of like touchstone, right? Now no one knows what to do. Players don't know what the rules are. As a fan you're like, "I have no idea why there was a penalty," so that's sort of disorienting in the opposite way that open house is. [00:12:55]

So, anyway, I stayed up late. While this is happening, Barbara is logged in looking at places and I said, "Let's call a place called Mills Falls." We spent three hours there. Anyway, it's a very cool area and last night we were talking about lofts. There are these really cool lofts and I'm looking at it thinking, "Wow. How cool would that be?" It's incredibly modern and there's a lap pool and there's the gym and there's a sauna and a Jacuzzi. Huh. But I'm thinking, "That's not a house," and the whole point for Barbara is again, I'm happy where we are "I'm sick of Jordan. I don't like hearing Jordan in the morning." [00:14:08] Jordan lives on the second floor. "It's the noise, it's the noise," which I feel like the alarm goes off in the morning and I hear his radio. That's annoying so, granted, a house is preferable. You don't have somebody walking above you. But then she talks about a loft and I'm like, "But in a loft, even though the ceilings are higher and thicker most likely, unless you're on the third floor or fourth floor or fifth floor, someone is above you." So I'm thinking that it's good and I'm glad Barbara's talking about lofts, but anyway. So I get up this morning and I'm driving and thinking it might be cool to check out. It's ten minutes from where we live. It's weird how close we are to places that are just entirely black and entirely, economically disenfranchised. [00:15:20]

THERAPIST: On the other side. [00:16:39]

CLIENT: Yeah, something like that, but only ten minutes away. So we looked around and it's cool. We're excited and it's great. We check it out and drive around and drive around and drive around. I'm driving around the side streets, side streets, side streets. Find some houses that are on market and take pictures. She had some things she was interested in. She had gone on the computer and taken pictures. On the way back granted, I'm driving so I don't know where I am I want to pay attention because it is a weird place. It's not like everything is at right angles, right? Driving around, if you don't really know where you are it is inherently stressful, especially when you're already distracted by the fact that you're looking at everything around you, not just as a street to get from point A to point B, but you're assessing neighborhoods as you're driving. [00:17:46] There's a lot of information to be going. Anyway, we're on the way back and Barbara's wanting to talk because girls/women are interested in playing house in a way. It's like shopping for dresses, they can just try on lots and lots of dresses and try it on, try it on, try it on, which is what I told Barbara. I said, "You can't expect me to match your enthusiasm. It's not that I'm not interested, but just like I don't just go and try on clothes for a couple of hours with my friends, I'm not going to just simply look. I need to go into a house and I will compare it to what we have so it's just comparing directly. There's nothing hypothetical about it and I don't get carried away with the fantasy of it." [00:18:34]

So on the way back she's asking me what I think. I said, "Well," meanwhile, trying to drive through a sketchy neighborhood to get back to where we are, I said, "Well, the loft is kind of like living in the city and the other place is like living in the country." She said, "No, it's not. It's only two blocks down to the village." I said, "I'm aware of that. I was making a point. I was making a little bit of hyperbole. But a loft with no yard, we'd have assigned parking and there is a lap pool and a Jacuzzi and a gym and it's very "toney" compared to a little quaint colonial with a yard two different lifestyles." [00:19:40] I also said, "I find this taxing." That sort of sets her off. "You don't want to move. Blah, blah, blah." That sets off this long, heated thing that went on and on and on and on. So then it's me saying, "If I don't say anything, you feel like I'm not interested; but then if you ask me how I feel and I say it and it happens to be (chuckles) in contrast to what you are feeling or thinking, then you think that I don't care or that I'm debating with you. Then what I then have to do is, while driving, try to figure out how to get home and deal with construction because there's a big hole in the road and there are cops standing there not helping the traffic situation. You're wanting me to drive and understand exactly what you're feeling about it and imagine exactly what your fantasy is and give you commentary that matches that so there is no conflict. That's a lot to do while driving." [00:20:58] She said, "I don't want you just to echo what I'm thinking. I said, "Well, I offered a perfectly fair response to two places we've looked at and that was unsatisfactory."

THERAPIST: Yeah. Good point. [00:21:18]

CLIENT: Anyway, arguing, arguing, and arguing.

THERAPIST: Not to interrupt, what are you feeling when you do raise that and she reacts that way?

CLIENT: I point this out to her, "I'm not trying to be snarky really, but you take little things that I do and then you paint very broadly. I say it's taxing and then you interpret that as meaning I don't want to move, I don't want to do any of this when, in fact, I'm the one who found the address of the loft this morning, put it into the phone, figured out how to get there, drove us there, was intrigued, said we should go in and talk to them, had a conversation with the people, organized a tour to go tomorrow, and then drove all around looking at various places, finding a place that you yourself had not found, showing enthusiasm, and then, after all of this because driving is tiring and look driving around for 2 1/2 hours, I say, "It's taxing," when, in fact, I'm tired. [00:22:38] And everything that I've done has been proactive and encouraging and genuinely positive. But I say I'm not going to get carried away with a fantasy of how life can be and I say we can't let the purchase of a house be some sort of proxy solution. If you're feeling bored, if you're feeling whatever, you can't let the idea of a house and the fantasy of living in a new area be some sort of solution to something. We have to be very clear where we are and where we want to go and what we want. Right now we have all this great stuff. It's a great location. It's a great place. It's great neighbors. It's great, great, great in every way. I said, "We have to be clear (chuckles) that in getting a house we don't want to lose anything that we currently have; but we don't want anybody living above us and we want a driveway. A loft, however cool that is, doesn't give us a driveway. It gives us a park spot. And unless we live on the top floor, we have someone above us. [00:24:04] And we don't know the neighborhood and we don't have a yard and it's a further drive to anything and there is no train there; so how is a loft, as cool a little area as it is, how is that a solution to any of our problems other than that it's different?" "You don't have to tell me what we have. I know how good this is." I said, "Okay, fine. But there is a sale sign in front and what happens if someone gives us the price? It has to be very clear to us that it's likely to get something that is better. That's the point." Anyway. [00:25:08]

And also it's not my money, it's her place that's the other shoe. I'm also reminded of that fact. We're going around looking, looking, looking. It's as if she's going around shopping for dresses and she's going to be buying it. It's not me so I'm always reminded of the fact that I don't have any financial stake in this, other than that it's simply rocking my world because we have a great place she has a great place where I live. (pause)

THERAPIST: It seems that is one kind of sort of sub-text to you or something like that. There's something about that that's at play here. [00:26:04]

CLIENT: Absolutely. And this issue, too, that she wants to move on, she wants to move on. Are we going to be married? Are we going to move on? Do you just want to stay here? Are we going to stay here forever? So all of a sudden, getting a house is a symbol of moving on and I feel like looking for a house is a much bigger issue psychically for her; and yet, instead of just really being able to be clear about it and talk about it, when I say "I find it taxing," she finds that to be a global comment on everything in life.

THERAPIST: Like getting married or all of that?

CLIENT: That's right. So anyway, I guess a baseline, too, it's not me initiating this in terms of thinking boy, I'd really miss that house. I look and think I mean, you go into places like, "Oh, okay. I could see that. It will work." And it's like move your stuff bloop; there you go. (chuckles) I'm not creating this whole thing like, "Oh, no. There's no store there. It's going to be great." It's like whatever. I mean we live where we live now. It's like you can go down the street. Now we go to [...] (inaudible at 00:27:43) meals. You make home of your surroundings and it is a great place to do that because it's a cool little place. [00:28:01] This other place it looks cool esthetically. I mean I've got to tell you, esthetically it's fantastic. It's just red brick and everything is very cool. These converted factories are now lofts and it's very cool. You just drive down the road and these palatial estates, so it's like massive yards, so it's very, very nice. It's a half-mile from this, so it's a very expensive area. But on the other side of it, as I kept saying, this is a nice street. This house is nice from the outside. Who knows what it's like inside, but on the outside it's nice. But I said, "We drive a half-mile in that direction, multi-million-dollar massive, massive estates. Go two blocks that direction, you're in a dicey part of town and it is the projects. It is the projects." [00:29:16] And I said, "There are dicey parts, but we're on the top of a hill and the one little dicey area, your strain is at the bottom of the hill. And the drug addicts are not walking up two really steep hills to get to us because they're too tired to do that." So crime, to the extent that it exists, is at the bottom of the hill at an outreach center. And they're fine. You walk by them and it's like in Philly. You walk by people. She feels that they're going to jump out at you and I'm like, "Come on. They're not aggressive. They're tired is what they are." They're sitting on the steps trying to make a deal. They're waiting for the bus to go and get their methadone is what they're doing." [00:30:15] People waiting for methadone and getting coffee while they wait for the bus is different from 30 duplex-type things that is a giant plot that is the projects. So I said, "You can have a fantasy about this place because just as this street everything will be perfectly fine. But if you're saying you want to get away from crime... (pause) [00:31:16]

THERAPIST: I was thinking that I guess maybe I was thinking a bit back to our conversation last week and that what seems to have happened between you and Barbara was around when you didn't really match up with what maybe her ideal was in terms of "hey I want you to join in my fantasy of either of these two places and kind of go along with me and do that." I was thinking about the idea of being the ideal boyfriend, being the ideal guy to her and what that means to you not to be what it means to kind of divert from that. And certainly, you can tell, as you were saying, "Barbara does not like it when I divert from that and some of the tension in the relationship is around that;" like don't want to get married now, feel pretty good about being in this place, staying where you are compared to where she is. And just, connected to last Friday, thinking about the power and the kind of compelling quality of being the ideal, even though there is that quality in math that you're intellectually interested in, but it's also that if you were to succeed at it, then you hit that ideal. [00:32:54] I think in some way there's also being the ideal guy, kind of like what you see her dad is being in some ways, like Mr. Dedication, does the right thing, is kind of like the standard-bearer for what a husband, a partner and yet, you have this whole side of "wait, I like it here. I like my things the way they are." whether it's being a creature of habit or whatever. That doesn't jive with that all the time. I think it has powerful implications between the two of you, but also for yourself. (long pause) [00:34:51]

CLIENT: The idea of moving highlights a lack of energy about certain things. I find this tiring because I'm tired because of having three beers and getting up to get to the airport and staying up last night until 12:05 to watch the game; tired, really. But in general regarding work and relationship and the feeling like I don't know what to do. I don't feel excited about some things and I feel like it's weird. It doesn't feel like depression because I know what that feels like, that feeling of feeling frantic and anxious and cornered and hopeless and overwhelmed. [00:36:10] It's not that, but it's the feeling of things are the way they are and I realize that I should be interested in having a family and getting a house and progressing in career. Those are normal good things and I'm not doing it. I'm aware of it. So I'm aware of the fact, even though it irritates the hell out of me, with Barbara sort of tone or feeling or something in the way that she has a feeling towards a house and all of this, she goes off the handle. It highlights my own sort of "stuckedness" or stasis and her wanting a place is sort of a reaction to that. Getting a house is to get out of a rut. (pause) [00:37:28] Right now, especially when I'm actually really tired, it's hard to imagine optimistically and confidently sort of flipping the switch and be like, "Oh, what a relief. Oh, yeah, I'll go to work." Right now I feel like, "Huh. Wow," and I'm thinking like I have class in a bit on proofs, which I worked hard on figuring out. (pause) I couldn't explain about all the horses last time. I figured that one out, why all the horses are not the same color. [00:38:24] So that realm of just (chuckles) sheer mathematical induction and logic, I have that and I feel right now that I just don't care. I don't feel good in class, I don't care. I just feel like whatever. I've got to go to class but I'm not going to engage until I step up my energy level, really be engaged to make it worth my while. I feel like whatever. Today is not my day. (chuckles) Homework is done. Turn in the homework. I don't feel like sitting in this stupid seminar. I just go home and I just feel like if Barbara went somewhere it would be great and I'd just lie there and watch [...] (inaudible at 00:39:38). (laughs) But then it's like yeah, well, that's my comfort zone, isn't it? [00:39:53]

THERAPIST: Some things seem to nudge you, not to dismiss the role of sleep. Obviously that has something to do with it. Something else nudged you, something about the interaction with Barbara seemed to nudge you in the direction of feeling like that losing the energy.

CLIENT: Yeah, because all of a sudden it's like the clashes of fantasies, isn't it? She has her notion of how she wants her things and the idea who knows what her fantasy is? Who knows what symbolism attached itself to that house? I'm not sure. For me, I'm feeling anxious driving around today because I feel like we don't have any open houses actually scheduled because it's Monday and it's just like being in the car with her and not feeling super excited about that for feeling like well. So be it. [00:41:24] It's not a feeling of being 24 and in love and flying to a new city and thinking, "Wow. We're going to find a place together. It's all brand new. We're going to discover it together." It's the opposite endemic. We're together. We're here and now we're looking to create some new thing, some new excitement, some new better-ness. And meanwhile, my sort of retreat into my own mind is focusing, working really hard, thinking about these math problems and being very invested in sorting them out and [...] (inaudible at 00:42:23). [00:42:24] So we have our little routine in terms of we have dinner and we watch the news with the hosts we are familiar with and we always are interested in what one is going to be wearing. We spend a half-hour watching, right? Watching that and we eat or dinner, which is usually salmon. And lately I'm making goat cheese salads, which are very good. I prefer when I cook, but when she cooks, it's fine, too, because then I don't have to cook. I like to cook, but it takes energy to cook. That's the issue. I still care, but I make salad, which was really good, and she makes the salmon. But I cooked it to see that they weren't overcooked. She also cooks it for 20 minutes and I cook it for 10 minutes. Bam. Done. Not overcooked. So we sat and we ate them. [00:43:42] It's like I cook them to get along, right? So the surface daily interaction which isn't surface, but it's like our daily routine I do my thing, she does her thing, we make dinner, we have dinner, we watch the news. It's a happy thing, not super happy, but it's fine and contented. But beneath the surface is I'm ruminating on mathematics and she's on her wall computer (typing sound) looking at houses, houses, houses, houses. That's all she does. Houses, houses, houses, houses. That's all she does. Houses, houses, houses, houses. (chuckles) So I flip the channels. NFL Network, ESPN, Comcast, what does [...] (inaudible at 00:44:40) say? Du-du-du. Back and forth. Then she hands me the computer and I look and I'm like, "Oh. That's the thing." She's on the couch, I'm on the other end, we're both lying down, her feet are here, my feet are there. I have to open the channels, find out about the games, what's going to happen, and she shows me houses. And that's fine. [00:45:11]

But then there's this dark part of it when I say, "I'm feeling taxed," and I'm driving. We're driving through the hood and I'm thinking, "Why are we moving? For that? For all these variables?" That the thing I was trying to express to her. It's like I said, "I'm just more circumspect about this. You have these fantasies about it, which is fine. But for me, I don't have this fantasy and yet I'm happy to look at places. But yet there are all these variables. Right now we know who our neighbors are. We like them. We know this place is nice. We know the "T" is three minutes down the hill. We can get to the city instantly. We don't have to have a second car. We're close, close to all kinds of things. It's easy, easy, easy. [00:46:23] The surface has bits of things we get along, and get along and get along, more or less, or don't rock each other's boat too much; and at the deep level she's clamoring for a place I don't really care. And yet she wants me to have the same fantasy and get it wrapped up for her. I feel like maybe I should, but I don't.

THERAPIST: Yeah, right. It sounds, too, like when she nudges you in that direction I wondered if that was what you meant about the "dark stuff" the dark side of it starts to come. There's this other side. Wait, wait. There's also this other way I'm feeling about these houses. She's showing you the houses. That feels okay, but going out and doing it and she asks you what you're feeling another level, a deeper level that is darker sometimes to a simple feeling. Then the harmony is gone. [00:47:55]

CLIENT: Yes. That's right. The harmony is gone. So now I think she went out for a long bike ride, which is what she does, and I said, "I don't care. I'm going to take a shower and get dressed." She put on her bicycle gear and took off to race around and do laps around the arboretum and go down to the pond and race around and go over hills and do all of that which, mind you, we live at the arboretum. We have a lot nearby, right? I'm not sure if she's going to be riding her bike around the projects. Anyway, so she goes off on her bike. She's irritated. I'm irritated, and yet she's going to make curry tonight. [00:49:14] I'll come home and there will be curry, which is nice, because she makes a good curry. And there we go. And we'll watch the news and I'll watch football and there will be peace. And yet whatever happened today will still be there because it doesn't go away.

THERAPIST: Yeah, there's so much happening on that level. So much happening on that level.

CLIENT: Meanwhile, I'm looking at our place with this odd, disembodied cast; because even though the pictures are back and the magnets are back on the frig and my books are back out on my desk, I'm aware of the fact how to put things in drawers so it can quickly become neutral again. I'm aware of the ability to depersonalize a place and there's something very strange about that because you want to be attached to your life and this is a dynamic where you have to be very attached to a part of yourself, meaning something aspirational where you're looking at a house. You're looking at it together. At some distance you become unattached to your current life. She's in my current life. [00:51:11]

THERAPIST: It seems like that was part of what you were getting at with her on that deeper level. In some way you're sort of saying, "But we're going to lose part of what we had, who we are, or there's certainly a risk of that. It's going to be different." It's that kind of the way the place was cleaned up and an anonymous reflection in some way of you feeling lost in it, like the identity that you bring and feel at the place runs the risk of being gone when you're looking around at other stuff. You're going to be depersonalized. I think in some way you were trying to get at that with Barbara. [00:52:17]

CLIENT: The thing, too, we live in the city, too. Its is full of the arts. That's what it is and it's very progressive and it's very gay. Even though that's not my scene per se, I'm very happy that it's there. I like the fact that our state rep was raised across the street and I like that there's a judge across the street and his wife, and they host all of these very progressive political-action groups; and that they always have the most progressive signs in their yards and you would never see a conservative thing in their yard and none of our neighbors, except for the guy down the street. And that's fine because it represents diversity. So there is one but, basically, it's this very liberal, politically active neighborhood that's on the right side. We live in a very pro-Obama neighborhood. (laughs). Then it's like in Watertown, it's Scott Brown, Scott Brown, Scott Brown in driveways and it's like, sure, we get a house, but what the fuck? [00:53:43]

THERAPIST: You lose the line.

CLIENT: These are our neighbors?

THERAPIST: You lose something.

CLIENT: Scott Brown is a fine guy. That's fine, that's fine. But is it then going to be Romney signs being put up closer to the election? I'm thinking really? That's where we're going to live? Why? What exactly is the life we want? My fantasy is not to just be in a house. I like having neighbors. I like knowing because Barbara doesn't talk to people, but I know everybody. I know Brad, who cooks pastries, and he's gay and he's 70 and he cooks pastries. [00:54:42] We talk and we've had many conversations about how to make crullers and how to make flaky crust; and I like that. And I know Brad and his partner always walks around with a lottery ticket. His name is John. I talked about Brad and John and Barbara was like, "Huh? Who are they?" "That's Brad and John." And there's Monica across the street. She's Asian and she's always, "Who's that?" "She's the one across the street. She's always doing gardening." "Oh. Which one's Isaac? Which one is Morris?" "Isaac is the big black guy. Morris is the little black guy." "Oh. Who's Edgar?" "Edgar's the guy who paints." "Oh." I'm going to lose all that for 300 extra square feet and no one to love you? [00:55:33]

THERAPIST: You feel, not only very tied in and connected with the neighborhood, but in a way that Barbara doesn't have that same kind of...

CLIENT: And doesn't want it.

THERAPIST: And doesn't want it.

CLIENT: She's suspicious of everybody else, whereas I'm I don't know. Maybe it's Oregon kid and this working-class English girl, where I'm generally sort of open to people. I'm like, "Hey, how are you? Whatever. It's cool." It's like a beach party. It's like whatever. If you're there, yeah, nothing wrong with that. Whereas her, it's basically just like baseline you just don't like anybody until they prove themselves to be worthy. You never have the opportunity, of course, because they don't want to talk to her. [00:56:32]

THERAPIST: Yeah, home is thought of in a different way conceptually almost like it's your own...

CLIENT: It's like homesteaders.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And Jordan upstairs, right? So his radio goes off and it's loud, it's the bass. I told you this story. I realize he works 80 hours a week at Mathworks. He's a computer guy for making sure all the math software works. That's his thing. He has a big, red truck and he has a motorcycle. He loves riding the motorcycle. He's a cool guy. He's a former chef, a really cool guy. It's always f-ing this, f-ing that. I like Jordan, but he has a Goddamned loud radio; and that's what sets Barbara off. It doesn't make me happy, either. I realize the solution to the problem is this. I go on Amazon. I buy a clock radio that is meant to go underneath the pillow. I need one for myself. They're $18 buy two. [00:57:46] I have one; I give one to Jordan. "Jordan, here's a solution. You don't have to go to the store and buy one. Just try this. See if it works." Quality of life instantly. Now we hear Jordan walking around. We don't hear the boom-boom-boom at 5:30 in the morning. We don't need a new house. We just need an $18 radio that goes under the pillow. He can wake up; we don't hear it. She says, "Well, we're not buying it. He should get it." I said, "Yeah. But for the radio you spend $18 on two glasses of wine. $18 on a radio and you want to hear that and be disturbed every single day? When you get up at 5:40 and that goes off at 5:30 it's like a 10-minute start to the day?" [00:58:43]

THERAPIST: Not a bad investment.

CLIENT: Yeah. $18. "It's the principle. He should buy it. He's a jack-ass." She can't stand Jordan. She can't stand Greg. Jordan's second floor, Greg is third floor. Can't stand them. "Greg's a prick, a conceited prick." I like Greg. Greg's fine with me. We paint together, we mow the lawn, we do this, we hang out, nice guy. Jordan funny guy. I have no problem with either of them, so I'm the one who's always having to write the e-mails. I'm the one that's always texting. I'm the one who's the relationship guy keeping the peace. They always write to me. Whenever there's a problem, they talk to me. "Oh, we should do this." We just chat, you know? They don't want to talk to Barbara. Barbara doesn't want to talk to them. So my job is to sort of keep the peace because I generally haven't had problems with people. [00:59:42] I'm thinking, "Man, you want a house? You're going to have problems with people? You're having problems with me." For good reasons in some cases, but...

THERAPIST: I know we're going to stop in a second, but it sounds like one of the things that happens is those conversations can kind of turn towards this is just an indictment about you and you being stuck and in a rut. And I just want to say listen, there's room to have that be somewhere in the mix of, "Hey, I like to know where I am. I'm comfortable here." But then there's also the other side of it, which is that you really like the area, the place is terrific. It means something. It's who you are. It's become a pretty big part of your life, a pretty big part of your life. And I guess that's where I was going with that ideal, that you're not the guy that's just going to go, "All right. Let's go to the suburbs. We'll get married and get a place." [01:01:09]

CLIENT: That's right. And the thing is, too, it's kind of life but just the nature of [demixtry] (ph?) in the whole region. People come and go every year, two years, three years, four years. It is student living, student living, student living. You walk down the street and you get 20 wi-fi signals because there are three brown houses. It's nice being where people are staying put.

THERAPIST: They do stay there. They live there.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) It's dynamic and so forth, but it's not student housing. It's actually a real neighborhood with people who are older than 28. [01:02:19]

THERAPIST: Put down roots.

CLIENT: (pause) I don't know. So now I'm going to go to this student class.

THERAPIST: Where's your energy? What are you feeling?

CLIENT: I don't care. I feel like I wrote a gazillion pages of all these proofs and I have to go make a copy of it because I don't like to go home without making a copy of it. So now I'm going to go to Kinko's, which I hate, but I want to make a copy of it. Then I'm going to go and listen to some other way to prove something, which normally would excite me, but now I just feel like whatever. Tonight's game is NFC, so something certainly can occur. It's something to watch. See if Mike Tirico can slam the refs yet again, which he's very good at. I find it amazing that he can get away with it on ESPN. [01:03:33]

And then I have this one notion, too, thinking we're going about this all wrong. The owners have taken a snapshot of the [...] (inaudible at 01:03:45) guys to the U.S. and the world and they've allowed themselves to be set up as the bad guys and they're fully aware. They're thinking, "We're just going to keep screwing the refs and it's going to create a distraction and people are going to hate the owners, but they're still going to watch football. We want an 18-game season and there's a bit of predictability because football just goes on and on and on and on. Now we're going to do this. We're going to protract it. There's going to be tension. It's going to be dramatic and, finally, when the real refs come back and we know they will because we'll pay them, they'll come back there's going to be such great relief that the masses are going to be thankful thinking ‘Finally. We love the refs. Fine, we'll go back to football;' and this will amass us for a few years because people will be so thankful that things are back to normal because we have to make something abnormal for people to appreciate the normal." [01:04:41] I think we're misreading the owners on this. It's not really in principle. They're not really worried about the amount of money. This is a much bigger sort of psychological thing where it is a very interesting bit of marketing, letting themselves be the bad guys, right? Yet we're the big, evil 1 percent and our viewership is the 99 percent. We're going to set ourselves up as this and we don't mind being hated and the people will be very happy once it goes back to normal. It sounds conspiratorial, but that's how I'm now looking at it. In fact, it's very, very intelligent. It's very clever. It's very good for the game.

Once it goes back to normal people will have gotten what we wanted back to normal, back to normal. "Thank God. We love refs. We love the real refs. Now we can just watch football, the game itself;" otherwise it would have been a rut. Season goes, season goes, season goes, season goes. You don't have to watch every game. We'll see. It's interesting, like the last half of the season. All of a sudden there's such adrenalin over all of this that we're going to be so happy and thankful when things are really just as they were last year. I'm thinking that these people aren't dumb and they're not just pricks, but they're letting themselves be perceived as such because this is going to be a very memorable season. [01:06:36]

THERAPIST: In fact because of the...?

CLIENT: Because of all of this. And they're okay with Mike Tirico criticizing them. They're okay with Collinsworth. They're okay with their affiliates. They're okay with Sports Center reading with how bad the refs are. If they weren't they wouldn't allow it. They're okay with accepting a lot of this blame because, for the greater good, they're thinking, "People need this. People need to be angry at us. Wall Street screws people. We'll take it on. We'll take it on. We'll take it on. There'll still be fantasy football. People will still get their sports. It's not going to affect the season because the real refs will come in eventually. Things will get sorted out. We'll make it fair. We'll make sure the right teams get into the playoffs." [01:07:33]

THERAPIST: Interesting.

CLIENT: Because in a regular football season, they kind of blend together. Even the Browns moving to Baltimore. Massive. That affected two cities. Now it affects an entire league. Everyone is against the owners. Coaches are against the owners. Players are against the owners. Fox and CBS, ESPN. They are against the owners. They're always against the owners. And for what? $60,000 per season per game?

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's crazy.

CLIENT: It's not just principle. It's not just principle. They're weakened really. Get people excited and be thankful for things returning to normal. [01:08:32]

THERAPIST: Huh. The power of it going back to normal? Yeah.

CLIENT: It's like creating a fight in your relationship, right? Ahh things are back to normal.

THERAPIST: Thinking about moving and thinking about how good it is to be at home. That's interesting. All right. Next week.

CLIENT: I'm getting paid next week so I can pay you on time.

THERAPIST: Okay. Very good.

CLIENT: You could say the same thing about the Chargers moving to L.A. They always have that come up and then the rumors die down. The rumors die down. Interesting. [01:09:36]

THERAPIST: I think they're very lucky to have them

CLIENT: That's right.

THERAPIST: Interesting. Although I think in that case their fans aren't picking up. They're staying away now. In part it's the economy. The economy is bad.

CLIENT: But it's full though, isn't it? Really.

THERAPIST: Blacked out. They' barely sold out for the opener and they got blacked out by like 10,000 seats this last game for the Falcons. It was a good game.

CLIENT: Interesting.

THERAPIST: But it's interesting to think about. Another report came out about them moving to L.A. Somebody in the L.A. Times wrote an article about it and the whole town was in an uproar. So what you're saying, that's interesting. And, you know, the owners won't come out and say, "No, no, no. We're not moving. Don't worry about it." [01:10:39]

CLIENT: They don't. Yeah, that's right. And, meanwhile, the owners are just treating your pain again because it generates interest.

THERAPIST: It does sound... It's still been the bargaining chip to get them to stay. "Hey, we've got an offer in L.A. Build us this thing downtown we want."

CLIENT: The people who lose in all of this, the sacrificial lambs, are the replacement refs themselves, although no one is making them be the refs. But what if the replacement refs just said, "Screw it. We're not doing it." The NFL needs replacement refs, even though the replacement refs are set up to be disliked by everyone. They're sort of making the whole thing go. You need the lingerie refs and the division three refs because otherwise there would be nothing.

THERAPIST: (laughs) They're the patsies.

CLIENT: That's right.

THERAPIST: All right. We'll see you Monday.

END TRANSCRIPT