TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: You're right on time today!

CLIENT: I know! I don't know what really happened like I left the house at 2:40 and I was like "Oh no" and then everything…I wasn't really watching the time and I think that was good karma. (laughs) I was just knitting on the train and things…another thing I think is that, well, yeah, I don't know. It was just sort of magical. I guess I'm trying to be more on time. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Well you had been edging closer and closer.

CLIENT: Yeah I know! (laughs)

THERAPIST: It's really nice to have you for a whole session.

CLIENT: Yeah I know! (laughs) I agree and…two weeks have passed by and I guess a lot has happened, well for the most part, all this past week, I guess the week before, this last week I've really started to work on writing on my thesis and running results like a mad woman and I went to dance class one time this week, on Monday which is always hard to get back into things. Other than that I've just been sort of like staying home, Friday, today, was the only day I took a nap cause I was working until like 1:30 the night before and I sort of realized that I could get a lot done. [00:01:38] At first I was like "Wow I can get a lot done when I don't take a nap" but then I realized sort of like my writing, it goes by so slow and it's frustrating because right now I have ten pages, maybe with a title page, so I have nine pages of written stuff, no pictures, but it's hard to write…

THERAPIST: Writing is a slow process.

CLIENT: Especially cause you don't want to step on anyone's toes and you want to represent say like in an introduction you want to do like what was the background of it, I've never really care about the background of matrix theory but for complacence it's good to know and I am interested now that I look it up but you have papers from 1950 and you have to read through them even though another paper cited them, to make sure. That goes by really slow and I find myself like "ugh" and last night I sort of when looking back, double checking what exactly, how did I do this one calculation and I found…At first I thought it was a big mistake but now I sort of see it's a little mistake and it's still just like "Seriously? Am I really going to finish this Ph.D. in the next four months? I don't have any solid results…" Some people by the time they finish their Ph.D. they've had like one or two papers and they can say "This is what my thesis is about!" [00:03:15] Here I'm still like "I've changed this one thing and now I'm changing another thing!" I'm totally just looking at a different system and so I'm just sort of like…I could finish my PhD in as much time as I want so there's no technical pressure other than "Oh I'm just going to have to teach" but more teaching experience would be good. My mom is the one who is saying "You have to finish your PhD, you have to this year" and it's like I don't know if that's going to happen now.

THERAPIST: What happens if you don't follow your mom's plan?

CLIENT: Well, there's disappointment, I'll feel disappointment in myself, I mean the worlds not going to end but I'll feel really disappointed and like it's going to put extra…the thing is that why she wants me to finish my PhD is cause she has this…cause Jeremy said that he didn't want to distract the process of me getting my PhD to the whole propose and engagement so my mom has a thing that I need to finish my PhD by this year so that he will propose. Other than that, I don't know, a black hole or a meteor shower is going to happen, (laughs) he's never going to marry me and I guess to put it grotesquely shit is going to hit the fan if I don't and so…[00:04:55]

THERAPIST: Do you agree with your mom's fears?

CLIENT: (pause) Well I don't know if I agree, I mean I can say that it has influenced my thoughts that you know, but I sort of see that if I get…I sort of agree and also disagree. I can see that it's sort of a logical sort of fragmented view point from her logic that is kind of logical. I can say I fear it but I don't…I haven't done much thought, I just sort of fear it and I guess I'm still trying to make my mom happy. I think that's still a big priority in my head rather than you know? I'm trying to make her happy and I will say that I…working on my research is just, it doesn't fill me, like occasionally it feels me with happiness "Oh something different!" but it's not something that gives me energy, gives me robustness, especially like me just staying at home all day. I don't shower, I don't really pick up, I just sort of sit on the couch and do my work. I'm finding myself a little depressed here. [00:06:40] Not depressed, just sort of like bored.

THERAPIST: Well it sounds like when you're doing your research, you've become quite consumed with that and don't make space for anything else?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I wonder if there's a way to balance it a little bit?

CLIENT: Yeah…

THERAPIST: To still make time to go to dance class, see some people, get some light, take a shower? Those things might help you feel a little bit more part of your community.

CLIENT: Yeah and I think starting next week I should just…I keep on thinking like "Oh I'll save so much time if I just work at home" and I find myself thinking maybe I need to get out of the house, maybe I need to do dance and whatever happens out of this PhD, it just happens, it will finish but I think just by forcing myself…it's like this yes or no, am I going to get it done or not? I don't know. I would like to have solid results by the end or the middle of next week but I think in the same sense maybe talking to my advisor would be a better one...sort of see like when you know…how long it does take. I sort of do feel myself like that sloggy student and I think…

THERAPIST: That doesn't make you feel good? [00:08:22]

CLIENT: No I get a little bit actually…I mean he makes jokes about it and its funny but in the same sense it's like "Oh he's right" and I also feel like…by the time we get up at 8:30, we have an hour long breakfast then get ready, I sort of feel like by the time I actually…if I were to commute I'd get into work at like 10:30 and then to come home logically for dinner or to help with dinner or to dance…I sort of feel like I need a long expanse of time and that I need to wake up earlier and I don't know if it's like too much to just sort of suggest… I need to get, I don't know why I guess part of me does want to sleep in and push hours later and later and later. I think that's the thing I feel like if I wake up early and get a start to the day earlier…

THERAPIST: When is your most productive time? [00:09:28] Do you have a sense of when you think best or write best?

CLIENT: Yeah, it's probably night time. I'm a total night owl. I know that I could just stay up all night…I didn't stay up all night, I stayed up until like 11:30, no sorry 1:30 and actually I was working until one, then I sort of might need some decompression.

THERAPIST: Yeah (laughs).

CLIENT: I'm…I think also it might make sense if I do dance in the morning cause then…

THERAPIST: Working with your rhythm of what fits for you will probably make the most impact. So not trying to fight what you need, what worked for you but kind of figuring out what it is and then fitting your schedule around that. It sounds like you need some time to see people, whether that's going into your office or taking dance or something else it sounds like staying home, working from home all day without taking a break, isn't working. Not if you're feeling depressed.

CLIENT: Yeah I mean, pretty much the peak of my day is going to Walgreen's or CVS or what is it…the market, even though I don't like our market, still…I found myself really picking on myself "Oh no one likes you" cause I e-mailed my friend and I said "How do you do this on the computer coding?" I just asked her a physics questions and actually more a computer question and then I invited her over and like I saw that she was online, on Gmail her little thing was green and I saw that she didn't e-mail back so I was really upset and this was actually Lucy my friend who right now is in Cambodia. She didn't e-mail back for two days and I'm like "No one likes me!" [00:11:39] (laughs) I got two e-mails today, one from Lucy and from Paige later that says "I'd love to come over! How are…" and so I found myself I guess wanting human interaction and like Jeremy…I need something different than Jeremy! I'm starting to get like…I mean he's really funny but I mean I think he's also slightly…he's needy and I think he needs his space too. I think he loves spending time with me as I like spending time with him but sometimes I think I need to separate myself from him cause then he's a little bit more loving as compared to when you see someone all the time, you think of the dishes they leave around (laughs) and…I talked to a really good friend I had in college, she was my roommate, and also she was from high school one of my good friends, and we hadn't talked in a while. I saw her like a year and a half ago at her wedding and when I went it was in Florida and I was actually upset because I wasn't asked to be one of the bridesmaids. I know weddings are full of drama and political decisions with your family but…

THERAPIST: You felt hurt?

CLIENT: I did feel hurt and especially because all the people she had chosen were like married, married with children and I just was still having that anxiety over washing my hands and didn't have like…Jeremy was, he had just…he was becoming a year a half ago…yeah, I think we officially then called each other boyfriend and girlfriend but it was just sort of like….I guess I took it as a personal thing like "Oh I'm not good enough to be a bridesmaid. I didn't fit in, I've lost touch with Gina" and then like recently she contacted me on Facebook. [00:13:59] I was like "Wait, she's listed as single and interested in men" and she didn't include her last name, her former husband's last name. So I was just like "Oh this is interesting! She went off of Facebook and then she went back on Facebook a year and a half later" so I contacted her "Oh we should talk and catch up, let's make a date" so I was really happy. Normally with people's phone calls, like with my sister, I won't answer it or like I'll say "I'll call you up later", normally I don't feel like talking because that's work time. Work time is night time when I should be paying attention to Jeremy because he got home from work time so…or painting my nails. So one of this permutations but I was really happy I kept that and so I found out that she had recently got a divorce and like she was really embarrassed about it so she kind of went out of the network cause she felt embarrassed…

THERAPIST: What's it about you?

CLIENT: Yeah… [00:15:10] She even made the joke "I know why this marriage didn't work out, because I didn't make you one of my bridesmaids" and…

THERAPIST: Is that something you talked to her about? Or that you were upset about?

CLIENT: I never, I mean, I was pretty pissed off at the wedding and just felt like…she didn't notice me being upset because I was like "I'm so happy" but she apologized like she knew it was sort of an issue and it was interesting that...I said "Don't worry about it, I was happy just to see you happy, at least that time (laughs)" and that I was mad about it but it was just sort of like I'm here, we weren't really having a correspondence and I was really anxious so I was like "you made the best decision with your knowledge at the time." I just sort of that it was interesting because like I sort of retracted from all my old friends because I was embarrassed of what I was going through at that time…anxiety, the cooties, the thinking like…really uncertain about if I was even a decent person and it's funny cause she did the same thing, she retracted cause she was embarrassed and I was just really glad to talk to her and I felt guilty…

THERAPIST: Nice reconnection? [00:16:42]

CLIENT: Yeah, I felt kind of guilty cause I didn't tell her where Jeremy…she was like "Where did you and Jeremy meet?" and we met actually on eHarmony.com but we always tell people we met through mutual friends at a party and I wanted to tell her, I wanted to go back and say "Well no, that's…" cause she's feeling self-conscious about going out and dating again and I'd love to tell her "You should try eHarmony.com, it worked well for me, that's how I met Jeremy, this is the real truth, you can meet some really good people there…" Jeremy's like…I guess I feel guilty because I think sometimes by being real to people it makes them feel okay to make decisions and I think normally that's like my part, it's always been sort of my stick, it's being truth…Maybe sometimes I expose too much about myself but it's always been like making people feel okay by relating to them.

THERAPIST: Do you feel like people open up to you in a balanced way as much as your opening up to them? [00:18:00]

CLIENT: Yeah, actually now that I sort of understand who to open up to. I can open up to Jeremy and it's…

THERAPIST: And you get the same openness back?

CLIENT: Yeah I don't really open up to Jessica as much, my sister…

THERAPIST: Well you found that she's not really safe.

CLIENT: Yeah (laughs).

THERAPIST: Because she doesn't, she's not non-judgmental about things.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That's a big piece of testing boundaries is who is really safe and with what types of information and it's important to have some people where you feel you can be really honest and open and that they're going to…

CLIENT: And that was the other thing is that telling Gina, I didn't say it this way cause my friend recently, one of my friends she referred to herself as living in sin because she was living with her boyfriend. They recently got married, it's interesting how all of that sort of works out but I felt sort of shy to tell Gina that I was living in sin! (laughs) [00:19:12]

THERAPIST: You hear her views on it…

CLIENT: Yeah she didn't care, she was just happy for me and it was just really nice that like I just sort of realized I have…It's funny cause this week I just sort of went through a low and I think it was cause there was no parties, I was just sitting down, I was skipping…

THERAPIST: Quite a contrast to the holiday?

CLIENT: Yeah it was and like getting dressed up and just sitting down, watching TV, playing with cats (laughs). I love animals! This week I was just really in close corridors with myself and reading petfinder about all the kittens cause I guess Jeremy and I sort of have an agreement that no matter what happens now, we get cats during the summer but sometimes I used to look at petfinder.com because I would get excited about the kitties and now I just read about their sad stories about them being abandoned. Even now it's disheartening (laughs) but…I think I do need to get out. [00:20:23]

THERAPIST: It sounds like you need to connect as part of your day. That doesn't mean that you can't also do a lot of work and move forward with your thesis but it sounds like you're craving that connection. It's why your maybe opening up to people and…

CLIENT: Wanting to open up, not just be…yeah. I guess…

THERAPIST: Is there tension between you and Jeremy with regard to who your allowed to tell the real story? I thought I heard something about that at the beginning of that story?

CLIENT: (laughs) Yeah, there's not actually tension for the most part cause I never really tell anyone…I've never told anyone apart from my friend Lucy who knew what was going on. She was the one telling me not to go on eHarmony.com, she knew everything and Jeremy's friend Pat knows everything so that's kind of coincidentally that's why Pat and Lucy are the one that had the party (laughs) but I just sort of…now I just say "Gina's a really good friend and I'd like to tell her because I think there's something to be gained." Actually Georgia knows. I think maybe another one of my friends knows where I met Jeremy. They were supposed to pretend that they knew something else (laughs). I told them to pretend but maybe they forgot that.

THERAPIST: It sounds like it's a complicated, sort of, scenario? [00:22:01]

CLIENT: Yeah. (laughs) I can understand Jeremy cause he doesn't want it to get out to his family cause his family would be judgmental. My family doesn't care. My sister knows too. (laughs). My mom was telling her dance students and the dance mom's that I met this guy from eHarmony.com, of course that was before I told her not to tell anyone but…yeah so I guess that's the sort of thing I've become shy about it or quiet about it cause…

THERAPIST: It sounds like he's somewhat uncomfortable with it.

CLIENT: Very uncomfortable cause I guess he's very insecure and I gave that talk to him the other day cause like he, we had Ozzie and Christina over and he was just really kind of cold and distant and I was like…

THERAPIST: To you or to them?

CLIENT: To everyone, to everything! (laughs) I mean he was nice he said that…how people have noticed in the sciences that you can be brilliant but sort of anti-social and you can't have it all and Jeremy's like "Well I think you have it all" and I was like "Well this isn't going to go over well with Ozzie and Christina." I'm tickled pink but I'm going to say "Well I don't know about that," just to be humble but he tends to be very…he doesn't want to make a scene, he doesn't want to be noticed, he doesn't want to be judged upon and I guess sort of like how I'm actively seeking approval, he's actively seeking non-judgment. [00:23:49]

THERAPIST: He's trying to avoid disapproval?

CLIENT: Yes (laughs) so I think I'm more active, I'm more like I guess positive about (laughs) obeying someone and he's more like really active in seeking sort of, yet not getting disapproved and seeking acceptance from his family by not being disapproved.

THERAPIST: Do you know what it is that seems objectionable about meeting online?

CLIENT: I know that there's a societal sort of stigma to it because it seems like you…I don't see what's wrong with it cause I think, I personally thought, for people who were working all day, we barely have time to get out and we do our own sort of exercise routine. It's really hard to meet people and I sort of…I guess the thing is I don't see online dating as anything stigmatized. How is it any different than looking on Facebook? I guess that's more creepy too, that's stalking (laughs) but I don't see anything wrong with online dating and I think it's more like…it makes me really happy like that eHarmony.com worked for me and we should be a success story (laughs) for eHarmony.com.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. It's interesting that even where you are today that you know, you're in this relationship that's looking toward marriage, that you hold on to feeling ashamed of how you met. I feel a little bit sad for him and sad for you that you can't celebrate your story. I mean your story is that you guys were looking for someone, you found each other online, it's a great romantic story. [00:25:46]

CLIENT: Yeah I mean it was quite serendipitous, especially cause I was dating another person at the time and he had almost given up on eHarmony.com and like there's a lot of…yeah and that's sort of like, I guess that's why I sort of feel like maybe guilty that I didn't tell Gina because that's the sort of beauty of it, it was sort of like I…there was a lot of intricacies involved in like whether it would even work out and how I was dating someone at the same time but I decided to go out with Jeremy for a second date just because…I don't know why I said yes but it was just sort of like "Well why not see one more time."

THERAPIST: Well I hope that someday he'll feel comfortable sharing the real story and that you won't feel like you have to be silent about the real story. [00:26:53]

CLIENT: it's just sort of makes me like think about…I guess maybe it's a good thing. One thing I like about myself is that although I'm self-conscious maybe about a zit, I'm not self-conscious about my actions. I wouldn't say that (laughs) either.

THERAPIST: Not that one?

CLIENT: Not that.

THERAPIST: What do you feel self-conscious about?

CLIENT: I feel self-conscious about whether people like me or not, like for instance when Ozzie and Christina came over at first. They had a present for me and Ozzie kept saying "Oh maybe we should get together Jeremy" and he swapped presents and what Ozzie was really trying to say is that he wants to be invited over to dinner and sure enough Ozzie was like "Oh that would be wonderful!" I was like "Why did I say that?" I get so stressed out when they come over but I had a good time actually. Some things I said and Christina really sort of didn't get it, I was like "Oh that was sort of a stupid thing to tell her" that my cat, my mom and dad's cat peed …my mom and dad's cat, Andie, she's older and very territorial and she tends to spray things but I was connecting it cause that's what happened the first time my dad went skiing this year she sprayed his stuff (laughs). [00:28:31] For some reason that sort of went along in my head of the start of the ski season is the cat and spraying (laughs), she initiated but Christina didn't see it as funny, she was just like "Oh." I guess she didn't get it and I don't know if most people would get it so I was like "Why did I say that?" I was like whatever. But other than little things like that…I really like the scarf that they gave me, it was really nice but then seeing how Jeremy was and like he didn't feel like it was a successful night. I was like "you know what, this is happened time and time again and I felt good because you have to stop being so self-conscious about what they want from you. Maybe they just want to come over? Ultimately you're an adult so if they did want to get on your good side, get something out of you, you could just say, ultimately say no." I felt sort of good cause now I'm sort of like beating Jeremy at the self-consciousness. Before we were kind of like hand in hand…

THERAPIST: But you feel like you're getting more comfortable with letting people see you as you are?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And not letting there perceived judgments about you impact how you feel about yourself?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Your allowing yourself a little bit more freedom and flexibility?

CLIENT: Yeah and just sort of like…I mean, just trying out new things, trying out new sort of stylistic things. Some of the things that I rewarded myself with for helping out my mom and just because…I had bought a lot of presents for everyone else and normally I do so like I'm the Nutcracker Prince and I help out with but my mom actually gave me, it was really generous, she gave me a really good compensation for washing all the Nutcracker costumes and my air fare so I decided to give myself a little treat on just a pair of shoes and a dress, they were both big, big on sale, like a cocktail dress. Jeremy liked both decisions! [00:30:49] These were, I mean four inch heels and not something he would normally like but it was a black bootie, and I was like "Well this is what I want and this is…" and I talked to my mom about the dress and at first was going to get one thing and she…I was like "Yeah I'm kind of on the fence and Jeremy would probably not like it" so then I found another dress that I liked, she's like "Oh that dress is beautiful. You should get that one!" I was like "Okay" and then Jeremy…I kind of see Jeremy liking it as like an extra good point but not the main one.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you liked it.

CLIENT: Yeah I did, I loved the dress.

THERAPIST: That's being able to choose something because you like it, you liked the boots, you liked the dress, you want to treat yourself with the money, with those things. You hear his voice but you're not letting him be the factor.

CLIENT: Yeah and that's one thing I think I sort of see cause he makes a lot of jokes these days (laughs) he's like "Who knew when we first started dating that I'd be dating someone as lovely as this?" Here I am with my glasses, my sweatpants, my dough covered sweatshirt and I'm just like "Hey!" (laughs) [00:32:06] I'm like okay, I get it, I need to take a shower. The other, your significant other does help keep you in line cause I know during my undergrad days, it was finals week, maybe I didn't take a shower for a couple days, like four days, now it's like every day, every other day, something like that. I just sort of like don't take it too personally cause I'm just like "What's that supposed to mean?" I just sort of laugh and look at myself and I'm like "Okay." I sort of, in terms with Jeremy, I feel much more secure and it's interesting that because I'm not interacting with other people I sort of feel like more scared about that like even with my hairdresser I was a little bit late, two weeks ago when I had my hair appointment and I didn't really know like I thought she was mad at me the whole time and I was trying to make conversation but she didn't seem to want to talk and of course I was like "Oh what's wrong, is it cause I'm late?" I just felt very insecure talking to other people. Plus when she asked me how I wanted my hair cut and I was like "I kind of want it like this," I was trying to explain that I didn't like the way my hair was, I didn't think it was that flattering, maybe change the layers around a little bit, but I felt uncomfortable telling someone like "Can you make me look better or I'm not liking how my hair is framing my face, what do you think?" I guess in the moment of it I was sort of like scared, I always get a little scared around…

THERAPIST: What were you scared of? [00:33:58]

CLIENT: (pause) Trying to, like I was trying to I guess maybe like saying "I feel ugly?" That's kind of embarrassing, really opening up yourself to a hairdresser saying "The way my hair is right now, I feel ugly with it."

THERAPIST: Is that what you felt?

CLIENT: Yeah. It is. I looked at pictures from Christmas and was like "Oh my hair looks horrible! I look horrible, I look bad!" Part of it was just different camera angles and it was rainy that day so my hair just naturally "poof" and (laughs) I just, that was just sort of like, a part of it was I know my mom had said in the past "Oh, your layers aren't doing much for you. They're…it's not the best look for you." So I was trying to convey all of this to my hair…

THERAPIST: These are critiques you've heard from others and been internalized?

CLIENT: Yeah, it's really hard to look at yourself, the only way you can look at yourself really is through a picture. A picture doesn't…when you look at yourself in the mirror there's always some sort of bias where you could be feeling happy and you look at yourself in the mirror and you feel like you look better. It's subjective but a picture also can play tricks cause it's a two dimensional image of a three dimensional object. [00:35:49]

THERAPIST: That's a very scientific way of looking at it.

CLIENT: (laughs) Yeah.

THERAPIST: But beauty is subjective.

CLIENT: Yeah. Well yeah that's what I was trying to ask Dr. Habedan, he was telling me "I always think you're beautiful, I think you're beautiful as a student, I think you're beautiful all dressed up, you know you're not a movie star, you need to learn with being okay with not being all dolled up. Maybe it's different on the east coast but not every day you're going to have time to…"

THERAPIST: Not every day is a red carpet day?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Even for movie stars.

CLIENT: True (laughs). That's what the Enquirer captures! I think, it's funny how like when I'm not interacting I pick on myself. I just pick on, I guess when you're at home and I'm in a nice…my bathroom, I feel more keen to look at myself and look at where my hair part is and…

THERAPIST: How long do you think you spend in a day checking that kind of stuff out? Checking out how you look or if you're comfortable with this thing or that thing? [00:37:15] How much time does it take up?

CLIENT: I would say, I know at least it takes me 30 minutes to put on makeup and do my hair briefly, maybe 40 minutes and that's just before the checking. I would say probably about two hours and that doesn't involve looking at beauty blogs, looking at how other people style their stuff. I guess I didn't realize it but it does take up a lot, consume a lot of mental energy. Even where is the part of my hair today, my bangs and…I think I have been recently really into what I look like. How can I make it better?

THERAPIST: So it is taking up a big, big part of your day, even if you're not going anywhere?

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess maybe that's another reason for getting out of the house.

THERAPIST: Does it stop some of that for you?

CLIENT: Yeah cause there's...I sort of feel like my makeup's not with me so I can't do touchups or obsess about it and I'm just sitting in my office and I think I only obsess about it if I feel like really insecure about how I feel a certain day, like when I'm in my office, but not particularly I just sort of, there's so many things going about and I'm sort of like wondering more or less how people perceive me as I am rather than what I can do to perfect? [00:39:08] it's funny cause I don't think Jeremy really cares what lip gloss I'm wearing and here I'm like "I have to find the masterful lip gloss that now goes with my hair, my complexion…" It was kind of like a happy mistake for me when I grabbed some new blush, I accidently bought the wrong color but I actually like the new color better and it just sort of shows that it really doesn't matter, sort of a natural peachy, brownie, sort of… I guess the details really don't matter that much.

THERAPIST: Maybe find a way to limit how much time you spend on it because it doesn't seem to necessarily impact the outcome.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: What would you like to do with that time instead? If you could spend less than two hours, what would you do with the time?

CLIENT: (pause) Working. Honestly just working. Or if not working probably like crocheting or going to dance. Those are more like…not crocheting, now I'm knitting (laughs).

THERAPIST: Some sort of…

CLIENT: Needlework!

THERAPIST: Textile art?

CLIENT: Yeah (laughs). I guess and that's one thing I sort of realize is like just doing something else besides sitting and worrying or sitting and looking or looking…even painting my nails which I used to obsess over but now my nails are kind of so painted that they need a break (laughs) cause then I used to obsess over the nail! I sort of see, just for the sake of whether it looked…it wasn't a worry more like "Ooh look how shiny it is!"

THERAPIST: You can get really absorbed in those details? [00:41:19]

CLIENT: Yeah I don't know why appearance is such a big part…I know in Florida it's a big part.

THERAPIST: Maybe part of this is a culture you grew up in and you saw a lot of value placed on how people physically presented themselves? What they were wearing, how they were done up…

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That really got ingrained in you, this is a really important piece of how people see you.

CLIENT: Yeah and its really funny cause even my mom like who sort of ingrained this "You need to look pretty and stuff" she'll go out without even doing her hair, and it's just crazy cause then…(laughs). I can barely see the makeup she put on…

THERAPIST: Has her view changed?

CLIENT: I think she's just, she's never been that fussy with her hair. She likes when it gets done but she's not going to do it really herself, maybe just her bangs or a little bit or only on a special occasion but she's always, I guess her routine of getting ready is probably shortened especially now that she's having to go into work every day, teaching dance and…It's just sort of crazy. Yeah I think it has loosened up. [00:42:52] I sort of…

THERAPIST: So maybe you can too?

CLIENT: Yeah and she even says "My god you've been getting ready for the past hour!" I'm like "Well don't I look nice?" She's like "Yes you look lovely but an hour has past!" This is kind of a weird comment for my mom to make but I guess…

THERAPIST: So the value of the time versus the value of the product…

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: For her it didn't seem worth it anymore, to use that amount of time on that?

CLIENT: Yeah she would rather be watching a TV show or like there's lots of time to be gained from not obsessing too much.

THERAPIST: So you can start maybe to figure out what is it worth to you and is there something else that would be more worth that time? With the same kind of question you use for hand washing, if you feel like you want to wash your hands, you used to ask yourself "Is this really necessary? Is this what I really want to be doing with my time?" Sometimes it was yes it's really necessary to wash right now and sometimes it was maybe not. You can do the same thing with looking in the mirror or taking a shower or deciding that you're going to work from home all day. This is what I really want, is this what I need right now? You might find that "Yep I need to be looking in the mirror right now, doing my hair" or you might find "No I actually would be better off talking to a friend or reading an article…"

CLIENT: Putting the hair in the ponytail and going to dance!

THERAPIST: Yeah. So I think it's kind of just double checking with yourself "Am I putting time into what I really want to put my time into? Is this feeding me back the way I want it to? Or is it getting in the way of doing whatever I want to do?" [00:45:01] It's not that spending time on your physical appearance is inherently good or inherently bad its balancing. Is it getting in the way of taking care of yourself in other ways or is it providing you something?

CLIENT: I think that's sort of really what the balance, I have really felt like my balance has been off.

THERAPIST: Yeah it sounds like it. For you when you start to feel kind of sad or lonely or depressed, that was your red flag "Something's off, let's look at what's going on, which is the thing that's out of balance?"

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That's something to kind of take away and try out this week and see how it impacts you or the next two weeks…

CLIENT: Yeah…When are we next meeting cause I'm actually going skiing the week of the 24th to the 30th.

THERAPIST: Okay well we were scheduled for the 25th so that's probably not going to work.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So you leave what day?

CLIENT: I leave on Thursday the 24th in the morning.

THERAPIST: Okay so we could meet, I have time on either Monday the 21st or Tuesday the 22nd? We could meet before you leave…

CLIENT: Monday the 21st at what time?

THERAPIST: I have a 10:30, a 2:30…that day. And Tuesday I have a 9:30…that's weird why do I have a 9:30 open? I guess I do. I have a 9:30 or 11:30.

CLIENT: I will do the Tuesday at 9:30.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: That will get me up early in the morning and then I must be in school to do my work and to dance.

THERAPIST: Well feel free to bring coffee or tea or water or whatever your drinking...

CLIENT: (laughs) Yeah that's one thing I found helps is if I have…I've been drinking actually tea cause it's not as caffeinated but I can drink more of it and I actually I stay up that way so I feel…

THERAPIST: We were also scheduled for Friday the 1st. Are you back?

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I'm back I believe on Wednesday night so yeah. Wednesday night so I will be back Thursday and Friday.

THERAPIST: Okay. Well I will see you next Tuesday.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Next next Tuesday.

CLIENT: Early in the morning! Yay! (laughs)

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