Transcript of Audio File:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Is that sun okay?

CLIENT: Oh no. I love it. (LAUGHTER) As long as it's not too bright for you.

THERAPIST: Yeah... No, it's fine for me. Just let me know if it gets in your eyes.

CLIENT: Oh, no. I like the sun. My birthday actually was recently and it's by coincidence, I mean, it was the day of so many bad anniversaries. (LAUGHTER) So... I just wonder about... I think my birthday is balancing out karma. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: That's one way to put it.

CLIENT: Yeah. A lot of things actually sort of happened last week, sort of like... I've been having a hard, a really hard time leaving home and I've been missing group meeting and not going to dance just because I have a hard time getting out of the house. [00:00:59]

And finally my advisor had like a confrontation or intervention or whatever you want to call it and he was like, "Do you just not like us? Like you don't even go to the group meeting when you're giving the talk. You miss half of it." And I was in tears obviously because I was embarrassed. And I've been... Jeremy's (ph) been really on edge and starting to resent how I sometimes I'll just be getting ready when I should actually be done. Like I obsess a lot about how I look or like a piece of skin or a dead flaky piece of skin or something and just not being where I should be. I'm just obsessing about things that I shouldn't and a lot of times that's sort of how I'll be meeting to get to group meeting but then I'll go, "Oh, then I won't have this time to have my snack at home." [00:02:01]

And I have also noticed that I've just been really anxious lately and so I talked, I talked to my advisor. It sort of came out I have this feeling about leaving home kind of like when you haven't talked to someone in a while. It just sort of builds up and... I mean, (SIGH) once I'm out, I'm out. You know, I'm actually happy but then I get to my new location and then I have a hard time leaving again. So it's not just home. It's like moving on or being afraid of... Well, I mean, I guess it's just...

THERAPIST: What are you afraid of?

CLIENT: That's what I've been trying to pin down and it... I think it's afraid of sort of wasting time or having to do things that aren't necessary. Like I'm always like, "Oh, you know, rather than go to group meeting... I'll just have to sit there. I'm not going to be able to contribute to their talks. I don't know what's going on. But I could stay home and do work." [00:03:03]

I mean, of course, you know, I'll always find something else new to obsess over, I mean, because I'm not talking to people. I sort of feel... I guess, you know, I get lonely but I don't see it that way or I don't think about it that way or... I mean, it is a touch (ph) sort of laziness but, in another sense, like it's sort of kind of like I can't be bothered or I can't, you know, just sort of... I guess it's sort of interacting, engaging. I mean, (SIGH) yeah, I don't know. It's just sort of alone time I use to not call my family just because, you know, I didn't know how it would go or maybe it's a waste of time, maybe I'll feel better. I always do and I used to have this sort of philosophy with dance and then I got sort of gung ho and now I'm sort of, you know, to the point where I'm frustrated because I'm trying to increase my flexibility and it's not going so fast. (LAUGHTER) Or maybe I just sort of lost some steam. [00:04:15]

But anyway, I started taking... I mean, I need to talk to Millie (ph) about this, the one that gives me my medication. But I started taking... Because I had been taking fifteen micromilligrams of citalopram and I just... I was like, "You know what? Rather than taking one and a half. Let me see if anxiety is what's in my way." And so I take two and, you know, for the past four days, you know, little by little I see that this little nervous behavior, like snacking or, you know, being able to like... Like last night I sort of called up my friend. She was texting like, "Oh, I heard about the bombing and..." She was texting and I was texting and she texted me back and I was like, "Wait. Why don't I just call her?" [00:05:07]

And so I just sort of felt like, "Wow..." I mean, I don't know if it's the medication. I don't know if it's the placebo effect of the medication or just... I don't know what it is. But...

THERAPIST: It got you to take another step whatever it was.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Take that step over that barrier.

CLIENT: Because I found... And last night...

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you talked to her?

CLIENT: Oh, I felt like it was really fun. Like I just sort of felt like I didn't want to dominate the conversation and... But it felt really good and like it was a lot of fun and, you know, as it turns out, I'm arranging for her to come visit sometimes in October.

THERAPIST: Nice.

CLIENT: And I haven't seen her in person like since her wedding. I mean, she's gotten divorced and she's gone through hard times and she's kind of hid away. [00:06:01]

You know, it's nice to sort of... It'd be nice to spend time with her and... Anyway, so I was just really happy because she was a really good friend of mine throughout high school and college. She was my roommate. It felt really nice to catch up and be like, "Well, I took charge." I... You know, she didn't call me up. She was just texting back. You know, I was just like really happy that I was like, "You know, I don't really feel like talking but, you know, I kind of do." (LAUGHTER) And what's funny is like recently I've been calling up my parents a lot especially with the bombing and... Like, I mean, I called up them on my birthday and my dad was like, "Oh, I was just about to call you." You know, and then my mom... It was really sweet. She said that... She was like, "Can you do this? Can I give you my credit card number and I can get you a hundred dollar present?" [00:07:03]

And I was just so happy because Jeremy... I guess we're... I mean, we're kind of broke right now because we're traveling and we had to purchase lots of stuff like tickets and cars and hotels and so he's freaking out about money and he was like, "You know, I'll cook you a nice dinner," and he got me a balloon. I don't know. It's just... It's not about money. It's just the thought of getting a gift and that's one thing. I don't think Jeremy's really good at getting... Like he's really good at getting things that you need and for him buying a lot of stuff for me, like food. I mean, I buy food too. But, I mean, he does take care of me. [00:07:57]

But, you know, it was just... I don't know. It was kind of like sad on my birthday until I talked to my mom because it wasn't an actual present. You know, there were no presents.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And, I mean, I know for Jeremy's birthday, I go, find special wrapping paper, wrap it up, and I...

THERAPIST: That's a lot of thought.

CLIENT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER) Yeah, instead of, like, "Oh, I'll make you whatever you want for dinner." It was like well... It was really nice and I guess we were going to have a party on Saturday but then he complained he was busy doing all the work while I was painting my nails. That was just for the last hour before the party. I was painting my nails. That's... I'll talk about that later but... I don't know. I just sort of felt... Then there was the bombing and everyone was like, "I hope you had a really good birthday despite the bombing." I was like, "Well, the bombing was tragic but I sort of held it..." Like, I don't think it ruined my birthday. It ruined maybe my day. [00:09:01]

But not my birthday. I mean, I just... I don't know why I was like, "Well, no..." I was more shaken and kind of surprised because like I was thinking about going to ballet on Monday and I could've been on the train (ph) when that happened. I mean, had I... Jeremy was like, "No, don't go to dance today. It's just going to be a mess." I was like, "Yeah, maybe you're right. It's going to be a mess." And so, like a little bit... Like I was really phased that could've been me. and then like my dad, he was like, "Well, you know, you could have died on another day getting run over by a car." He was like, "That's just a freak accident and..."

THERAPIST: You can't anticipate things like that. [00:09:55]

CLIENT: Yeah. So after that... I mean, I sort of got pissed off at my dad because I knew that during 9/11 he cried like a baby because he switched out of that flight...

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: ...and, you know, he really felt like his world was shaken because what to him was a friendly sky was no longer. It sort of damaged that picture, that relief, that solace. And I guess, you know, that's sort of like talking to Jeremy. He seems even more shaken and still shaken by the events than... You know, here was assumedly safe. For me, I sort of see that, you know, it is still really safe. This was... I mean, this was a rare thing just like any sort of bombing is, just like 9/11 was. I mean, I think, you know, during the whole chase, I was watching the news and, "Oh my gosh. This is scary." [00:11:05]

THERAPIST: How did you get through that day, Friday?

CLIENT: Well, we watched the news and we just sort of like... You know, actually I tried battling this stupid calculation and that sort of, because the calculation was pesky, it gave me, you know, sort of like exciting to see the news and like watching the news, fell asleep, wake up, watching the news. What's going on? Like I was more... I felt safe. Of course I wasn't going to walk out. But, you know, it was quite far removed but still I had friends in (inaudible at 00:11:51). I don't know. I guess we sort of just held up the storm just like anytime. Like there was that one hurricane that supposed...... You know, you sort of stay indoors and like you're protected. You sort of don't know the damage but you sort of ride it out, just sort of try and ignore it or if not... [00:12:17]

I guess not ignore it, just watch the updates. Somehow the updates make it better or worse or... But it was nice on Saturday when I had people over for my birthday. Like we all got to talk about it and, you know, and just have lots of good food and punch and it was nice to have friends like over. It was, you know, just sort of everyone just sort of showed up. It was like, "Ahh..." Especially my friends that were over on the campus. So...

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But, yeah (inaudible at 00:12:57) It was funny because on... [00:13:05]

After I had that talk with my advisor on Thursday I called up Jeremy and I was crying. I was like, "You know, I know this is something that needs to get worked on and it's embarrassing and it's just something I'm not about," and, you know, Jeremy just said, "Okay, we'll were going to... You know, how about we get you on a schedule that you leave at 9:30 every morning whether it's a walk, like you should go to the campus, you know, three days a week. Try and get back in the routine." I was like, "Yeah." I was going to do that. Then on Friday when we woke up... His mom called us at seven AM and said, "Oh, you're on lockdown. This is happening. The shooting was related to the bombing." I'm like, "Oh, now I can't leave at 9:30." It was slightly thwarted. [00:13:57]

But it was actually nice this morning. I woke up and Jeremy didn't wake up with me. So I got to, you know, get ready and sort of make my own breakfast which I like because then I can eat anything that I wanted. Like instead of having like an egg, toast, and fruit, I got to have cottage cheese, Golden Grahams, and strawberries with some ricotta on top. I love cereal and Jeremy seems very like... He really doesn't like that I like cereal and that I eat it and he thinks that I'm addicted. In a sense, I am. But, you know, when we go traveling, I'm not bringing a box with me. It's a healthy... It's a convenient sort of addiction for while I'm here and it's, you know, sort of a food that I've grown to really like.

THERAPIST: You like.

CLIENT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER) I really liked it.

THERAPIST: We're all addicted to the chemicals in cereal.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) [00:15:01]

But... It's really frustrating like to have someone like... I told Jeremy last night. I was like, "You worry about things." Like, I was like, "Before I met you, I could feed myself. I mean, you know, I could control myself so much that I had anorexia. At one point, I could control myself enough so that I didn't have it. I could also lose control but I reigned it back so that... You know, I've been feeding myself since I, since I can't even remember not feeding myself, you know, making food for myself." And I said that, you know, there's... I said that, "Of course..." He was all like, "Oh. I won't say anything. I shouldn't. That's not my place." I was like, "Well, as a significant other, you should watch over like if they're doing something that is destructive." [00:15:59]

I said, "Now, if you were drinking a whole bottle of wine for dinner every night, I would say A, that's expensive and B, maybe there's other nutritional options that might be better for you." But I said, "If that was like your go to thing and if you could function properly and you felt healthy then that's... You know? I just would have to take it with a grain of salt that..."

THERAPIST: But it's sort of thinking... What does it make sense for him to be concerned about and what's kind of stepping over that line of control rather than concern?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: There's nothing dangerous about you having Golden Grahams or whatever cereal you choose in the morning.

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: That seems at a different place on the continuum than if you were, you know, drinking a couple of beers for breakfast.

CLIENT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER)

THERAPIST: You know, one seems concerning and one seems like a personal, you know, personal taste.

CLIENT: Yeah and he's also been bothering because like... [00:17:01]

I've noticed it because I've been snacking a lot. I just get really bored during the day. So... That's one thing, like, taking the extra medication I think will help because I'll just be able to be okay with the calm stillness rather than sort of... Oh. Bless you.

THERAPIST: Thank you.

CLIENT: But like he... What is it? He's like, "Oh. We need to reign it in. We need to diet. We need to.." Like, and when... We got in a fight last night about he's just really anxious about me not being able to get, be at the right place at the right time, me missing ballet in the morning because I just... You know, he just feels really anxious about that. He just sort of not being able to really control sort of the elements of my life. He felt sort of anxious and I guess sort of resentful and sort of annoyed and wasn't really feeling like I could... [00:18:07]

He felt like it was sort of a big mental energy from him and so he felt like he was being sort of compromised.

THERAPIST: To try to control it for you.

CLIENT: Yeah and then like I was like, "You know, I know. I'm working on it." I said, "There's nothing really that you can do. This is something that, you know, I'm screwing myself over and I know. I need to fix it and I'm trying to fix it." I said, "But these things... This is not under your control." And then he was like, "Oh, you know..." And we talked. He was like, "You know, you should be proud and, you know, we'll get you on a routine. We'll do this and this and we'll see a new skinnier Janet (ph)." I was like, "Skinnier." I was like, "What are you trying to say?" He was like, "Well, you know, I mean, just new and energized and full of... You know, because you have a routine and you're not feeling like you're just meandering." [00:19:03]

I was like, "Well, why did you use the word 'skinnier'?" Because I have a feeling like... When we were dating, I was probably like a, you know, a few pounds lighter. I mean, I was very skinny. My doctors were like, "No, no, no. Don't be that skinny." I was like, "Well, you know, I'm fine." At the time, I was just in the situation where I wasn't really doing much of sitting. I was in sort of running around, going to his apartment. There wasn't enough time to snack, eat, or... you know, I was just thinking, you know... (SIGH) What do you sort of expect? I mean, the other day I was showing him swimsuits and he was whistling at the girls and, you know, they're very toned. They have their six pack. It is their job to do that. That is their primary job. [00:15:03]

I'm like a big supportive of like taking care of yourself and eating and getting exercise. I know that's important. It's just frustrating...

THERAPIST: Being below a healthy weight is not important.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's just... It's frustrating because it's like, you know, a woman shouldn't look like a man. Even I... You know, most people would say I'm skinny. It's like... I don't know... I don't know. I guess it was just sort of like maybe he expects me to be something different. I mean, I'm not like eating mac and cheese with a side of beer or... Like I'm not eating really fatty foods, maybe a little bit sugary but, I mean, my family has been known to have a sweet tooth. [00:21:05]

But, I mean, noting that seriously bad and... I don't know. It's just, I'm just sort of starting to question like what, you know, what is it that he expects. Does he want me to look unhealthy? If so, that's not right. Is he expecting me to exercise more? We, I mean, I'm never going to be running a marathon or iron woman. (LAUGHTER) I mean, I, you know, I always just sort... I mean, I like walking around when the weather is nice but I'm not...

THERAPIST: How do you feel about your weight?

CLIENT: Well, I feel like I've been sort of... I feel like I could be a little bit thinner or at least cut down on the snacking, a little bit more toned, you now, maybe one or two pounds. But that's not really that much or that hard. [00:22:05]

That's just sort of going from winter, winter foods to summer foods. I mean, that just sort of happens naturally in cold climates where, you know, you just want to be warm and eat food and it's comforting. So I don't feel that bad. I feel, okay, maybe I could reign it in a little bit. I don't know if when I say I want to reign it in Jeremy feels that. He is very light for a man. He's like 161 at five eleven and I tell him that's what Michael Jackson weighs but... (LAUGHTER) So he picks up on that. So...

THERAPIST: Is his expectation a little unrealistic?

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, and... Yeah, it's just... I mean, I can't have the body of a teenage girl. [00:23:03]

I'm just naturally sort of smaller and, you know, I do feel slightly like longing that, you know, it's like my bones just aren't there any more. I'm shaped differently than I was a while ago and, you know, I'm trying to get used to it and I'm also trying to make concessions for parties where I don't like totally eat until I'm sick but, you know, I do enjoy myself at parties and I enjoy making desserts and stuff. But... I don't know. We talked more that yesterday we sort of saw that we have communication problems. Like a lot of times for our trip we're planning, I had created a map of possible itineraries and like along the map, I sort of listed, you know, the website and descriptions. [00:24:11]

Jeremy, he bought the hotels and the... I mean, right now I'm basically flat broke after paying taxes and I haven't kept much of a savings because I gave all my savings money to Jeremy every month along with the apartment rent. So he's buying a lot of the stuff because I don't have money for that and, you know, he's just like, "You know, why is it I'm putting down all the big, all the hotels? I'm buying everything. You haven't done..." It was basically... He didn't say this directly but I was just like, "Oh, I haven't done... It seems to you that I haven't done stuff." I was like, "Every morning I'm reading and reading about these destinations every little street." [00:25:03]

He was like, "But we need concrete stuff." I was like, "Well, we got that down." I was like, "You can't just look off a website... I mean, you can look off a website. But you still need to sort of..." I don't know. If you're only there for two days or a day and a half, you don't want to just visit things freely. You want to know what to visit and maybe I, maybe this is just the type of person I am to like look up, you know, understand the history and why is it significant. you know, it was good that eventually we agreed that I should just write this stuff down because I do start to forget some of it because, I'm just... Maybe I'm a more visual person like a math... I showed him later the map and he recognized what I did and like some of the things I was supposed to get arranged or find a hotel. [00:26:05]

I had found a place I really wanted to visit this one national state park and they have a beautiful boat ride. I really wanted to see it and I was trying to find hotels near it. I had already advised us going to that one city would not be a good idea so I already made that decision. I was looking at hotels and I wanted Jeremy to decide because like I'm not very picky at hotels. I could stay at a hostel for... I mean, a nice hostel. I mean, one that didn't have bed bugs which is rare but they exist. I'm not too fussy at all. He's the one that, you know, has to make the big decision because A, I don't have the money and B... I could have the money if I didn't... I'd have to be a little bit short on underwear this month or like... I mean, there's a couple things I did buy like underwear and shirts. Nothing too unreasonable. [00:27:05]

THERAPIST: But he has your money.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I mean, it's not that you don't have money. You've given it to sort of the joint endeavour.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, at least four hundred dollars a month and...

THERAPIST: That adds up.

CLIENT: It does. So, I mean... It's frustrating... So I let him in on the decision and he kept on saying, "These are stupid," or, "These look sort of dated." Like, yeah, they're dated but they're nice enough. But then he wound up finding a hotel in a different city which is a little bit further from the national state park and it's around another lake. Not as rustic as... It's no the lake that I wanted. [00:27:57]

I was just like, "Okay. We'll find things to do. We'll hike. This is not the village that I wanted." I had done so much research to find out where to go.

THERAPIST: You felt like it didn't get valued.

CLIENT: So then when he's like, "Oh, you know, what are you doing and, you know, I've made a list." I was like, "Well, I've done a hell of a lot of research all along. I researched wineries and ones that you would like." I just felt really insulted because... Later... At first I didn't cry in that first discussion but then later after I took a shower, I just sort of like started to like feel... I think the upshot is that he's just worried about money right now. But, then again, he spent ten thousand dollars on an engagement ring, which I wouldn't have agreed with. why did he do that? that was stupid if he was going to... [00:28:59]

Like it's just like if you do these things, you can't complain... you have to hold yourself accountable for your decisions. I would have been happy with, I mean, you know, any sort of ring above a Cracker Jack ring. I'd be happy with a cheap hotel or staying in one city if, you know, going to three sity is going to make him anxious. I don't understand... (PAUSE) You know, like and I do planning. For me, I just know that he's very particular so I like to show him options and then he can go from there. It's just frustrating because it's like... Well...

THERAPIST: Because you feel like you're not getting a chance to make decisions...

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: ...in the big things like where you travel and also in the little day to day things like what do you have for breakfast. It sounds like part of it might be intensified by concerns about money but it sounds like there's a huge... There's a wrestling match for control over how you guys live from little tiny day to day things to bigger things and it's interesting to think about how the sort of wrestling for control within the relationship impacts your own for to intrapersonal wrestle for control like what types of things you're trying to control about your day and where you maybe have some kind of backlash with that. you don't really have a lot of control about the little decisions because you give those over to him and then it sounds like you kind of rebel against that. It's like not going to group meeting, not leaving the house when you're supposed to in terms of your responsibilities and obligations to other people because you give so much of kind of doing what you're supposed to according to him. [00:31:09]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I wonder if you had more control over things within the relationship and decisions you can make for yourself if it would be easier for you to do some of the things that are hard for you.

CLIENT: Yeah. No and actually this morning when I woke up and I got ready... I mean, I got ready much quicker when no one else was up.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah. I noticed you were here on time...

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: ...which is often hard for you to do.

CLIENT: Yeah. (LAUGHTER) I know. I know and like, I mean, I go to have breakfast. I got to sit in front of my computer which, normally we're supposed to sit at the table and, you know, we talk an it's sort of like a long process that takes thirty minutes before... Well, me sitting at my computer took like ten minutes eating. (LAUGHTER) [00:32:01]

You know, I sort of read news articles and it was just actually really nice because then...

THERAPIST: You made all those decisions for yourself.

CLIENT: It's something I looked forward to. It was like, "Yay!" I got to choose what I eat or compose and like ven going to the grocery store, when I go for myself... Like I pick up lots of strawberries even though some strawberries taste like nothing, the fact that I love strawberries and I can make that decision, it makes me... Or even like picking out flowers. I think maybe that's the... I sort of see with nail polish maybe why it became sort of an obsession because it's such a free enterprise for me. Like Jeremy can get annoyed but it's not going to embarrass him or if anything, like, you know, maybe he gets sort of, "Eww. I don't like that color." But it's something he can laugh off. [00:33:01]

But I found like, you know, when I was able... Because I got some color and I painted my nails and I was like, "No, don't like these colors." I was like, you know, whether Jeremy should have a say or not, I don't actually like them. I guess it's just sort of, yeah, I find myself... I guess maybe that's another reason why I'm snacking is because it's like finally, I get to escape and eat something that I like.

THERAPIST: You want to. Yeah. It's something where you find your ways to rebel.

CLIENT: Yeah and I mean, I haven't noticed it but I think that being able to get out of the house will give me the freedom, getting out earlier, it'll make me feel more independent and I think that Jeremy... I don't know why he tries to control. [00:34:01]

I mean, he lived in a situation when he was younger where things were out of control and his mom sort of... She always got food on the table but whether she was asking for money or, you know... And I was just like, well, I used to be like super controlled and measured a person and now things are kind of chaotic. I mean, I am giving Jeremy my all and that's why I told him I was so upset. I was like, "How dare you sort of say... I'm trying really hard to make you happy and by whether we get out on the weekends and we eat..." All the foods that we eat like, I mean, they're just sort of like what does he want to eat. I don't really mind. Occasionally, I'm like, "You know, I don't really like this." [00:35:01]

But otherwise I'm just sort of happy go lucky but, you know, there's... I guess, yeah... There's time when... he does give into froyo. But that's even that's a struggle. But... (PAUSE) I just, yeah, I think... I mean, I felt so much peace this morning because there was no...

THERAPIST: You were making your own choices.

CLIENT: Yeah and I like making choices but I mean, how is that... I mean, when you're with someone, are you supposed to like... I mean, you're supposed to make choices together.

THERAPIST: Well, I mean, there's a balance of what types of things do you need to sort of compromise on and make choices together and what are things you can make decisions autonomously and for yourself. [00:35:59]

It seems to me like there's, as a couple, you lean more heavily toward making decisions together and having the same decision for the both of you in places where it would be acceptable to make independent decisions. You don't have to eat the same foods. You don't have to have the same exact schedule on the weekend. You can still have plenty of couple time and do some things separately and I think, you know, what's too much versus what's not enough is determined by how you feel. You can sense that you're starting to feel resentful of the amount of sort of impingement of what you're sort of allowed to do. I mean, even hearing your language saying allowed. It makes you feel like you're not sort of an equal adult in the relationship. [00:36:59]

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess... I mean, yeah, I mean, it really does feel like, I mean, not like a take that. But it's really like, "Oh, you know..." Like when we're at the grocery store, I'll buy a plant or I'll just put another plant in because, you know, for some reason it makes me feel good. That's the one liberty. Of course, Jeremy will groan but he'll still buy it for me. But...

THERAPIST: So I keep hearing things like that, "So, that's the one liberty," language that you hear yourself using is kind of a clue that maybe you don't have enough independence within the relationship where earlier in the session, I heard you say something like, "I finally got to have what I want for breakfast." Well, gosh, it seems like maybe as, you know, an adult woman you should be able to have what you want for breakfast most of the time. [00:38:01]

CLIENT: (LAUGHTER) Well, yeah.

THERAPIST: There are occasions that you sneak and get up earlier. These sayings that kind of find there way into how you're feeling, how you're expressing yourself.

CLIENT: Like it was crazy because normally I don't look forward to breakfast. It's alright. I mean, poached egg, toast. It's tasty but everyday, I mean...

THERAPIST: It's not what you would choose yourself. You're choosing it because you feel like it's pleasing to him.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: He said this is what's pleasing to him.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I wonder how much that relates to, you know, how much does that, what's going on between the two of you relate to how difficult it's become for you to interact with the rest of the world and get yourself out there. It kind of seems like you're hiding...

CLIENT: Yeah. [00:38:57]

THERAPIST: ...at home and why the events of this week might exacerbate that, this was happening before the bombings, before the lockdown. Last time you came in, you were talking about having missed some classes and having spent most of the week not going out.

CLIENT: Yeah. I must say a lot of the decisions that I make are impacting like, "Oh, I need to be home a certain number of nights. I can dinner with Jeremy. Oh, I mean, I don't want to go in today because I have to cook Jeremy dinner later."

THERAPIST: Does he know that that's what you're thinking? Would he be surprised to hear you feel like you need to be home a certain number of nights or cook a certain number of dinners or is that stuff that you're thinking... [00:40:01]

CLIENT: I think I'm very much living in my head in a sense. Like I just sort of... I was telling him that even like... He was saying, he gets anxious when I set my alarm and I don't go to dance and, you know, he was thinking... He thinks that, "Oh, why isn't she going to dance? What's going on? Why is she missing it?" He says that stresses him out. I said, "Well, sometimes I wake up in the morning, I realize that I don't want to go to dance and I would love to go to dance later at night but there's dinner with you and I don't want to upset you." So, I mean, he was just sort of like, "Well..." He didn't really have a response to that I guess because there were other things we were talking about. [00:40:57]

I mean, I guess, you know, I do want to spend time with him. I do want to have dinners with him. Things... I guess sometimes I get, feel sort of like, you know, not giving him enough attention or love or...

THERAPIST: Would he say that?

CLIENT: No, he actually said, "I think you give me a lot of love." During...

THERAPIST: So some of this... It might be important to him to sit down and talk more explicitly about because it sounds like you're interpreting things or you said living in your own head and telling yourself these stories and maybe they're not quite accurate either.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, it came to me as a surprise that he gets anxious when I don't go to dance, you know, when I change plans around. I guess, you know, my plans are always sort of fluid to how I'm feeling and, you know, if I got like five hours of sleep, you know, I'm not going to lose an hour of sleep. Of course then, you know, I could be more productive. [00:42:11]

It's a lot easier getting out of the house rather than having breakfast until 9:30 and not getting to school until eleven or 11:30 because it's hard to really feel like I started the day because if I have to come home around, like leave the department at six, eleven to six, that's not very long. That's not even mentioning me getting settled or... So I found that waking up early in the morning, getting my stuff together... I felt more responsible of actually waking up instead of just sort of dragging myself up and like, you know, it was actually an alarm that I set. [00:43:01]

Because normally his alarm is the chirpy chirpy light up one and that doesn't wake me up. I need like a big gallon over my head that I can't hide underneath my pillow. (LAUGHTER) But, I mean, I just... (SIGH) I guess I'm figuring it out and trying to... I need to talk to him and ask him, just tell him that I know he cares about me but, you know, realize that...

THERAPIST: Yeah. Make more explicit what is, where the expectation of you guys as a couple and where is the room for you to make decisions and choices for you to be a healthy individual within that couple.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Why don't we wrap up there for today. I know we're on for same time next week.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: And then I know you mentioned getting in to see Don (ph). It sounds like that would be a good idea. Do you want an appointment with her?

CLIENT: No. I'm going to make that today.

THERAPIST: Okay. So...

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