TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So I want to start out and say that I’ve been very anxious in life right now, and (inaudible at 00:00:13) and yeah.

THERAPIST: Sorry.

CLIENT: Yeah, no. I understand, it’s really cold here. It’s really cold everywhere. At first, like I’ve noticed that well, my bed schedule’s been off a little bit coming from Florida, and sometimes staying up late for New Year’s Eve parties and then having the flu sort of you know, when you have the flu you sort of just kind of sleep whenever, and it’s hard, you know.

THERAPIST: To get back to a normal schedule.

CLIENT: Yeah, and so.

THERAPIST: When did you notice that your anxiety was up?

CLIENT: It wasn’t until like I think after New Year’s is when I realized that I had to start getting back to work. [00:01:05]

And I was at home all day and excuse me, my voice is going. I hope I don’t have the flu. And I didn’t notice it then, because what I was really doing is I was, well I was working at home. I was spending a big portion of my time looking up wedding stuff, and I’d be feverishly looking for like the right colors, the right accessories, the bridesmaid’s dresses and obsessing over like, because of the way some of the things that are more expensive look, the band and the venue. There’s not much money left in the budget to pay for bridesmaid’s dresses, so I was going to have the bridesmaids pay for them and I would help out. At first I thought it was going to pay half, but unfortunately at The Nutcracker, I didn’t, when I helped my mom at last Christmas, I didn’t get as much money as I thought I would, and so that sort of set me back from having extra money to pay for half. [00:02:14]

So I realize I’ll probably have to do tutoring this semester, which I’ll bring up in a second. I think it’s a good thing, though, but and then I was obsessing over like if the bridesmaid’s dresses are three hundred, they’re really expensive, is it worth it, can people afford it, what colors they should be. And then like my sister was in a long, because there was a dress. So she might not even be a bridesmaid because of when her hip surgery is, and I mean, I don’t, I mean she’ll still be a bridesmaid or, you know, maid of honor, but she won’t be walking. And so I was thinking that, you know, there was a dress that everyone else like a little bit better than the one that, we will end up choosing because the high, she has to have a high back because she, when she was doing some sort of, like sort of a electricity pain management system, she accidentally sort of electrocuted herself. [00:03:16]

And she had a big scar on her back, and it’s definitely light, but she feels very self-conscious about it. But, I mean, and I guess I feel bad, because I kind of asked her the question like you know, this other dress is two hundred and fifty six dollars, and we save three hundred dollars. I, actually effectively, if I were paying for half, it would be, I’d be saving a hundred and fifty, which, you know, nowadays sort of see, a hundred and fifty is sort of exchangeable. It’s not that big of a deal. But I was like, you know, you could always put a nude lining in the back of yours, or like you know, how much, like or [00:04:06]

I guess I feel bad about having people pay like a lot of money for a dress, and maybe that’s just part of being a bridesmaid is that you, and a lot of my friends make more than me. I earn a student’s salary, my sister doesn’t earn a salary, and so she got really upset the fact that, you know, I was trying to change the dress, because for her wedding, I got to pick the dress. In hindsight, I don’t know if I really like the dress now, but it seemed to be the best of all the other options. But yes, she seemed really upset, and then we got talking about budget and budgets are really sort of sensitive subject because they’re, I mean, weddings are always compromises, and who’s paying for what. [00:04:59]

Like originally, I, mom told me thirty thousand is what I get, and then when I went back to Florida, she’s like, “Twenty-five thousand.” I was like, well wait, you told me thirty thousand and she’s like, “Oh, okay, well.” I don’t actually, and then she brought up that they’re having to remortgage their house, but this is in hindsight that they just spend like seventy thousand redoing their house, so you know, it’s just sort of, it’s frustrating because I felt like really guilty about even having a wedding when I found out that my parents were remortgaging their house and going from a fifteen-year loan to a thirty-year loan, which is thirty-year loans are pretty standard. But and then I also felt frustrated because some of the expensive things were the choice of having a band and having an outdoor wedding with a tent and that being, not having it on Saturday versus Sunday. [00:06:00]

All of these things were requirements of Jeremy, like he was really not going to budge on any of those and that was like five thousand dollars of the budget, and you know, of course his dad is helping out, and consequently, his dad’s paying for the photographer, but I mean there’s all these sort of little things, that, you know paying for, who’s going to pay for the cake, who’s going to be paying for the bridesmaids, and I, really frustrating asking people for money.

And I told that last night to Jeremy, because I said that his, I was talking about caves and had sort of a, not an argument anyway, but he was just there saying, “Oh, bridezilla,” and I was like, “Me, bridezilla, you’ve been a bridezilla.” And he was like, “What do you mean? I’ve been forgiving, and like really easygoing about everything.” [00:07:03]

And then I brought up, I was like, “You know, Jeremy, some of the things that you weren’t easygoing on, those are the expensive things.” And he thought I was trying to persecute him. And I don’t know, maybe I did have sort of like, because I feel guilty like spending money on a wedding where it’s not important to me, and I’d rather, again, I guess maybe that’s the sort of thing is that these things are just important to Jeremy rather than important to us.

THERAPIST: What is important to you?

CLIENT: Well, having people gathered around for, you know, I guess I would say getting married in a church and just sort of having a pretty table setting and tasty food and a pretty tasty cake. I guess the food, the food was really important to me and I suppose both of us, and the same as, because that’s something that’s important to us on a normal day. [00:08:12]

In terms of music, like I wouldn’t, like I mean, a DJ, even if it’s like music, sort of like whether it’s live or you know, as long as there’s some music, it doesn’t have to be live music. Like in, I mean, albeit the band that we have is, plays at a dive bar, we go there occasionally. I mean, it’s a pretty dive bar, but it’s, you know, we’ve gone and seen them live and they’re affordable for a wedding band. And having, you know what, for me, like I don’t see a difference between having the wedding on Saturday versus Sunday except for maybe Sunday people from out of town have to leave, so, but I mean [00:09:00]

We’re having the wedding in Providence, so most of the people who are coming from out of town are my people, and I just, you know, just, I saw that, you know, if they’re going to have to miss a day of work, they’re going to have to miss it on Friday anyway for the rehearsal dinner, so I mean, I guess the day, the actual venue, like I was fine like having it any sort of a, I mean a more historical like a, what is it, a preservation site, something that’s smaller or like a barn or. I mean, I think Jeremy just really wanted to be outside, and I think that was, maybe I had some ill sentiment when we were fighting about that. Because to me, an outside wedding can be beautiful, but it can also be disastrous, depending on the weather. [00:10:03]

And I remember like, there are things that, you know, that even just really not budging on. And the same like I know I freaked out about buying a dress that he would like, and as it turns out, I don’t know if he, I mean, you saw the dress. It’s supposed to be something that I like, and I do like it, but I mean, there could have been other things that, I don’t know. I guess I just sort of made it, I’ll say the wedding is kind of stressful because it is a big, it is a big process, and big money being spent. And, you know, there’s always this sort of this taking for granted and I guess I just wanted Jeremy to know that you know, some of these things that we’re paying for are things that, and I guess maybe this was kind of because I feel like, you know, I’m paying for the bridesmaid dresses, I’m, or paying for a lot of it. [00:11:01]

You know, especially because then my sister was saying that even for the little baby flower girl that I need to buy the two hundred dollar dress or else my whole wedding’s going to look clunky and off, and I just got pissed off, because I’m like, I am not paying, like I can understand junior bridesmaid, they have to have their similar dress, so pay for that as well. But, you know, I was just, you know, I was just sort of getting annoyed that my sister has so much input and she isn’t exactly like, it took her forever to do anything. But when I mention something, she’s very negative about it.

And so and that’s one sense like an antagonist. I feel like there’s been a lot of antagonists here, and you know, I, you know I guess I just get frustrated. [00:12:00]

Because sometimes. I mean, I guess, because Jeremy’s, I mean, he’s doing a little bit for the wedding, but a lot of that I’m doing, and it’s like, if you guys are going to be antagonistic, why don’t you come up with ideas? Or and just Tammy, it took her forever to like, I mean, when I asked her about bridesmaid’s dresses, she showed me a bunch in the beginning and then like two months later, I asked her, “Oh, what are your top ten?” And she’s like, she never answered me. And then like when it comes to like, “Oh, what color combinations were you thinking of?” she never answered me until like a few months later, and it sort of. I mean, I guess maybe this sort of shows that maybe I’m not the best leader. I’m sort of used to having my work and my control and having input. But and, it is good because now sort of the vision is sort of the decorations have changed a little bit. [00:13:02]

Because I’m able to talk about it with people and show people things and see how things work out together, so in that sense I’m you know, I’m, I don’t mind so much the little details. But I guess sometimes, when Jeremy says I’m a, I mean, he was just joking, but I just sort of felt—

THERAPIST: Angry.

CLIENT: Yeah, I did. But I was like, “I’m a bridezilla,” because I mean, you know, it’s sort of like I have a sister that’s like having me think about all like the dresses, and the little details, and sort of not understanding my vision or wanting to understand my vision. I have Jeremy who has his own sort of idea of things, but then sort of thinks I’m a bridezilla because I’m actually doing something. I’m looking for these vases and thinking about money and thinking about all the DIYs. [00:14:01]

And I mean, he’s just sort of like, “Oh, it’s too much work.” Well, I mean, it’s definitely, I love doing DIYs and I don’t mind spending eight hours on a weekend doing one, even though it’s consecutive weekends, but so it’s sort of frustrating that there’s so many possibilities out there and I get excited, but it’s hard for, you know, I, there’s a lot of people that are downers that aren’t like so excited and thrilled, and, “Oh, it’s so beautiful, that’s so cool, can I help out?”

THERAPIST: So you don’t feel like you’re getting a lot of support for it.

CLIENT: Yeah, and—

THERAPIST: So you came in saying you felt anxious, but it, as you’re telling the story, the feeling that I hear is more disappointed and angry, so I’m wondering, what am I missing? Or is it really more than you’re feeling disappointed and the responses you’re getting and angry at the lack of excitement and support. [00:15:01]

CLIENT: So those I think, you know, it’s interesting because those are sort of, that’s on one layer, and the other layer is me staying up until three am working on the PowerPoint presentation of the wedding as opposed to my work. So it’s when I show people the work, and that’s when I get angry and feel disappointed. But when I’m working on it, like I will spend six hours looking at vases trying to find, what is the right vase.

THERAPIST: And not enjoying those six hours looking at vases.

CLIENT: Oh no, I do. Oh I do. I enjoy, but it’s kind of like a, rather than doing my research, I’ve just been sort of, you know, if I had to divide the day, I would say maybe about a third has been research.

THERAPIST: And you’re starting to feel a little anxious about the balance or the imbalance.

CLIENT: Yeah, and especially because like I need to apply for a job. [00:16:00]

And I need to read before I apply for the job. I didn’t want, because last time I gave my presentation for the job at the labs, I still haven’t heard back from the second interview, which sometimes I hear is typical. They sort of just don’t contact you for awhile. Which, I don’t really sort of care about, because like whatever. But my, I mean, I did care about it, but now I’m sort of apathetic and have sort of moved on to maybe a different company that my advisor suggested. But I didn’t want to interview with the same presentation which one group said sucked as. Well, they didn’t say it sucked as, they just said the presentation was mediocre and I didn’t have a good handle on my research.

And so before I did the other interview, I wanted to find out more about the company, read their papers so when I go into the interview become, and I’ll just sort of like fall in, like “Oh, I’m a great candidate.” You know, just really be—

THERAPIST: Be more specific. [00:16:59]

CLIENT: Yeah, and so I’ve been waiting to do that and I have all like four or five papers that I have to read through, and yet last night, I couldn’t get to sleep at all last night, I’ve been sort of on this go to bed at three thirty, four, and waking up at, waking up maybe at nine to have breakfast and then going back to bed or just Jeremy this weekend, just didn’t wake me up. He was like, “I thought I wanted to let you sleep.” And I was like, “No, Jeremy, this is a disservice.”

I would say that it was very sweet that you didn’t want to wake me up, but in a sense, it’s best that I face this brutal shock of waking up at a normal hour on the weekend, so then I said, “Never let me sleep past ten thirty, unless you’re sleeping with me.” Because then you know, like a lot of it, the day’s gone. But I’ve just been really glued to my computer and having a hard time like getting the motivation to go play racquetball or so. [00:18:04]

And a lot of it is I’m looking for responses from my sister and I’m wondering about you know, just sort of looking for the right vases and colors and wedding cakes.

THERAPIST: When is your deadline for making those detailed decisions about picking vases, frosting colors, settings, those kind of details?

CLIENT: So since I’ve already been buying a lot of the stuff for the place settings, but the real, so for dresses it’s probably at the end of February, so that probably needs to be, and I said that by the end of January, and I sent an e-mail to my bridesmaids. At least two of them said, “Sounds good.” The others I haven’t heard from, but they’re probably busy.

And then like the band, well, you know, usually I mean, it probably needs to be done pretty soon because bands sort of.

THERAPIST: I thought you booked a band? [00:19:02]

CLIENT: No. We e-mailed them and we said, “Okay.” Well they sort of set a pencil for us because no one’s asked them yet, but we haven’t paid them yet, so we need to draw up that contract. And that means that I need to ask mom for money. So that’s one thing that probably I need to.

THERAPIST: Yeah. So I think it would be helpful, because it sounds like you clearly have to spend some time, you know, you’re planning your wedding. You need to spend some time doing that, and it can be enjoyable. But you also have to set aside time to do your work because you’re also earning your doctorate. So it might be helpful to kind of, you know, set some time limits for yourself about when decisions really need to be made. So if you need to make a decision on you know, the dresses, by the end of February, well you could think about it a lot over the next seven weeks, or you could think about it for two weeks at the end of February. [00:20:03]

And, you know, it sounds like these decisions will take up as much space as you give them, and they might not need to take up all that time. You know, limiting your choices a little bit and limiting the amount of time that you give them will leave you energy and time to focus on the other things that you need to do. And I think if you can front some of that, and if you can front those articles that you want to read for your new company, and if you get, maybe sit down with somebody and find out, well what would make your presentation better, what would make it more focused? And confront those issues, the anxiety’s probably going to come down a bit. I think part of the anxiety is that while you’re looking at the different vases, you know that there’s this other stuff back here that’s not being looked at.

And it just sits there and it grows. So what about setting some time lengths, I’m going to, you know, talk to Mom about the money for the band and do that contract this week, and set a time when you’re really going to focus and buckle down on the various decisions. Say a week, that you’re going to spend really thinking about the dresses and making a final choice. [00:21:06]

But not letting them all, not letting all of these decisions balloon into this huge time frame, eating up your academic space.

CLIENT: Yeah, and that’s, I mean that’s sort of I think that’s why they have in a lot of those magazines, checklists, things you need to do.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and when you need to do them.

CLIENT: So maybe that’s something that I should, I mean, I have so many bridal magazines, where I sort of skim over those checklists and I get that, and that sounds good. But maybe perhaps.

THERAPIST: It might be helpful, and just, and you know, I think, if I remember correctly, a lot of the stuff on those checklists can be ignored and still have a wedding, but maybe giving yourself a timeline of when you want to pay attention to the things that you, that are important to you, because you know, what I really want to guard against is adding seven more things to your to-do list that don’t need to be there. [00:22:05]

What you want to do is limit how much time each to-do gets, and enough so that it feels like you’re making, so you can get the enjoyable pieces of, you know, browsing and thinking and maybe you like this design stuff, so you want to get the enjoyable pieces but what you don’t want to do is feel anxious because it’s taking up space that it’s not supposed to take up.

CLIENT: Yeah, and it might be that maybe if I just allow myself like Friday through Sunday to think about wedding, like every week have sort of a wedding sort of regroup, and this is one thing that my mom suggested when I told her that Jeremy was getting sort of beat down by the details or I mean.

THERAPIST: He might not be able to hear about them every day, and you might not be able to get into it every day if you want to have time for something else.

CLIENT: A real, yeah, so that might just be like I can’t talk about it Monday through Thursday, and that’s actually, I think that will be, you know, it will, and it’ll be much healthier, a much healthier balance. [00:23:11]

THERAPIST: That might be a good strategy for you, a way that you don’t feel like you’re ignoring it, but it also might not take over.

CLIENT: Yeah, and that’s actually why, I think, I mean besides needing a little bit extra money to pay for like some of the wedding details, there’s the like working from home I remember that, you know, if I just have a scholarship like I do this semester, I realize that I just stay at home all the time and then it gets harder to leave, harder to do anything.

THERAPIST: You’re not teaching this semester?

CLIENT: No, and so I thought that if I had like a tutoring appointment, like twice, two to three times a week, for an hour, it would get me out of the house and get me here, so that I’d be ready to study and do work here, and I think sitting in a library is a lot more encouraging than sitting at home with your [00:24:00]

I mean, I do say that the cats, and while I’m doing programming, I have to play with them, because they’ll be biting my foot otherwise, and so I think as much as I love those little buggers, I’m also kind of—

THERAPIST: A distraction?

CLIENT: Yeah, and even if I’m here, just to get the day going from you know, ten until four, that should be good enough to, you know, sort of set the day off right and then sort of, I just thought, “Oh, that’s too—” because I did really like that about teaching because I got a lot of work done. Granted, because I was working like crazy, but because I was talking about physics and talking to the undergrads, they’re so enthusiastic. I really liked that, so you know, just being around that was, it really fostered me to, you know, push myself harder and apply for jobs. [00:24:57]

And, you know, get work done and try and be as organized as possible, albeit sometimes that was difficult last semester. But so I realize that by tutoring it would get me here, and since I’ve already sort of done this material, I’ve been a, it wouldn’t be much preparation and then just sort of talking it over and so I kind of like that idea. And just sort of to get the ball rolling, to get me here on time, because I was sort of, I mean, I’m so glad I had therapy today or else I would have just sort of probably slept in until like one from ten to one then started to get working kind of.

Maybe by four o’clock, Jeremy’s, because Jeremy’s coming home early is another thing and it’s hard to, I mean, he makes a lot of noise when he feels that he wants attention, just like the cat. I mean, our cat will start meowing at random places. I want you to go over there and chase him. [00:26:01]

And then he’ll run away after he’s meowed for a minute, so I mean Jeremy’s a little bit like that too. I mean, sometimes when we’re working, when he’s like working at home all day rather than just have an early day, coming, like when he’s working he’s quiet, but when he’s not working he’s—

THERAPIST: He wants to play.

CLIENT: Yeah, he does. And I sort of thought that just by, I mean, I love home, and it’s so hard for me to leave home, and that’s why I sort of realize that I need that sort of force.

THERAPIST: And something to be accountable to get you out. That’s pretty normal. It’s much easier to sort of stick to a schedule when there’s some sort of external reinforcement.

CLIENT: Pressure, yeah, and there’s also a reward because I’d be getting paid directly, which I like. You know, it just gives me a little bit of extra income, especially like to help out like racquetball, and it’s hard because racquetball is an expensive sort of hobby. [00:27:06]

And then again yoga, all hobbies are expensive these days, especially when they’re, I mean, it’d be different if I was out in the boondocks and I was like some sort of random racquetball studio that would probably be a lot cheaper, but I mean, the quality instruction and facilities, so and I get it, but it’s still expensive.

THERAPIST: You have to fund it somehow.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I started to see that if there’s, you know, actually, it was actually it was nice when Jeremy and I, we found these vases there are just these glass, these vintage-y looking glasses, and I go, “Oh, these are perfect. These work for vases.” And then it was just so much easier instead of like dwelling on the Internet. Sometimes just seeing something in person and so I realize that maybe a lot of these, you know, I sort of have these things sort of made up in my mind. [00:27:06]

Kind of now, what’s going to happen, but I sort of see that okay, now things are sort of need to be ordered, and maybe right down a budget of how much needs, how to string things out and make sure they come in time, so I think I’ll feel a little bit better, I think just writing it out. I think if it’s in my head, I just sort of, because it—

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