TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: I’m glad you didn’t miss it.

CLIENT: Yeah, I’m glad I didn’t miss it either. Easy to (inaudible at 00:00:07). Absentminded. Yeah, not much, I think it helps not to try to reserve wedding stuff for the weekend, that doesn’t always happen that way. But when I sort of catch myself sort of like not working, I’m like oh well, this is not important. It helps me not get obsessive about it in terms of like, I mean it still sort of happens. I mean, I still have sort of random searches about trim and all that stuff, but I’m able to, instead of like obsessing, I’m like, “I have to find the right one,” at that moment it’s really good just to say, “Okay, leave those for Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.” [00:00:58]

And normally I just sort of, you know, and the obsession, sort of (inaudible at 00:01:06), searching doesn’t, you know, sort of curtails it off, so it’s good.

THERAPIST: So it has been limiting the amount of time you have to spend on that during the week.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, I’m still working on it, and I’m still like, yesterday, last night, while I was waiting for my program to run, I was just like, “Oh, I’ll just start with the wedding website,” and then I found that was an ultimate time sink because the wedding website doesn’t have a dinger or doesn’t correlate with the program, when my program’s done.

And so I found that I was like, you know, that’s something I have to leave for the weekend because it’s too much of a time sink. Like maybe I can think about it during the week, but you know, actually looking at it, working on it, like it’s a, I know it’s going to take some time. [00:01:58]

But I think with Jeremy, he’ll have to do some of it definitely, so I think it’s just something that it’s a really good sort of way to back off and focus on my studies and—

THERAPIST: I’m glad that’s been working for you.

CLIENT: Yeah, no, it’s just something more concrete, and my, I think, I can’t remember the last time I went to therapy or Jeremy and I sort of had a blow-up over the house was looking messy, Jeremy was feeling overwhelmed, and something, I don’t know. I mean, he was feeling overwhelmed and he was not having time in the morning to go to the gym, and I sort of, I sort of sensed he was really stressed out and for some reason I was getting fluttered, probably because I was working all day at home. [00:03:02]

Yeah, I was trying to be a little bit more conscientious, but he got really upset that I didn’t fix the toilet, the toilet paper, and he just sort of, we kind of fought and you know, I sort of, you know, I mean I was upset because it’s like I was just, I was stressed out about finishing everything, my PhD, and being able to focus and I’m like annoyed that he felt stressed out because what he was doing, he was like coming home and cooking three dinners that will last for the whole week, then he was doing some, he started doing these kitchen projects at night. You know, I sort of thought, well if you’re feeling exhausted and overwhelmed, why are you doing these kitchen projects? [00:03:58]

And so, but I just, or having to use, even one night when I helped cut up eggplant and roast it and, you know, he was saying that I wasn’t helping out much, and the kitchen’s dirty, and I was like, “Well what do you mean? Last night it wasn’t dirty,” and he’s like, “Oh, but every other night,” and so now I sort of, I’ve been working at home, I make sure that before he comes home, make sure I wipe down all the counters that I’ve used. And the cats are messy. I mean, they’re eating their treats there.

It’s just sort of eating it on the counter and it sort of flakes, and that’s one element, and another element, I do stay home and I do use more like paper products and bathroom soap, so I try to, and I also said that, you know, in the morning, there’s no reason that if you just want to wake up and get ready and go rather than cooking a full breakfast and having to sit there for thirty minutes, because I could sense that he was not really like by the time like I got there and put all the spreads on my stuff, he’s like, almost done with it. [00:05:08]

And sort of sitting there reading the paper and sort of getting frustrated. And I just said, you know, feel free to just get up when you have to, and make your own breakfast. It’s like you don’t have to make me breakfast. I said that, you know, I was grateful when you do that, but it’s, you know, it’s not necessary if you’re feeling you’re not getting to the gym on time because of that or feeling overwhelmed because you’re doing all this work, I said, “Don’t do it.”

And that actually turned out very well this week, and it allows me to, because I don’t have to wake up until like ten or ten thirty, after he’s left. I can actually, I work until like two, which is my critical time for working. I don’t know, for some reason, it’s between like nine to two o’clock and so I mean, but I’ve been really sort of progressing on my research. [00:06:08]

And I feel more rested because I don’t like wake up, have breakfast, go back to sleep.

THERAPIST: You were feeling kind of pressured by the big sit-down breakfasts, not to say big, but kind of elaborate production.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Getting up and having the sit-down breakfast with him. So it sound like maybe this kind of looking at that issue directly kind of works for both of you where you don’t feel like you have to adhere to his schedule or even if you’re (inaudible at 00:06:35) what he chooses and he doesn’t feel pressured to make this elaborate function.

CLIENT: Yeah, and it’s sort of like, because I sort of see like I mean, when he makes coffee, he goes all lengths at measuring and weighing it and grinding it and measuring the temperature and all that sort of stuff and timing how long he pours, but I just started to realize what works for me is getting grounds already ground up, you know, not beans from a coffee shop and just putting a few tablespoons, pouring over, one and done. [00:07:08]

And it’s interesting because I feel like I’m not wasting time, and so I don’t sort of feel, but it’s interesting because for very much that was the routine. I guess he had less going on in life and work wasn’t as busy, and I wasn’t really focused on my PhD, so I mean, it’s just, things change and you know, I think he comes home a lot happier, or at least, you know, if he’s tired, he doesn’t feel like he’s tired because he’s slaved over for me.

THERAPIST: He’s not feeling resentful.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, he really was resentful and now every time when he comes home, I do wipe down the counters and make sure that all my dishes are out of the sink and the place is tidy. But somehow the cats just, it’s really hard, you know, I love the cat to death, but I sometimes notice that even their scratching boards are. [00:08:10]

I guess, so I mean I guess though if I do stay at home I’m saving the time riding the T and so I can think of it that way instead of, “Oh, why do I have to do all this domestic stuff?” But I would rather just focus on my PhD, but you know, I guess it’s something like I can’t just be a free boarder. Like a college student like I was and I guess it’s sort of a compromise that I have.

Then I’ve also tried to cut back on my spending. I realize that I was really overspending all, practically all last year, and it’s actually really hard. Like I feel this need to buy something, like buy some (inaudible at 00:08:57), or I mean, I hadn’t realized how hard it is until like well, I just, because I have to save up. Taxes is coming up and also paying stuff for the wedding. [00:09:11]

THERAPIST: You feel like you need to buy or you need the stuff that you’re buying?

CLIENT: Both. I sort of feel like, “Oh, you know, I don’t have these light color suede booties, or I have black suede booties, and then I need this cardigan so I have a whole long laundry list of things that I want and then I sort of realize, “Oh, well I still have to pay for racquetball classes, so I guess I’m not going to be getting these things, even though it’s sort of like a joy ride.” It’s sort of like exciting. I mean, I found that like nail polish was actually a sort of a cure-all to that, something exciting to wait for, and it’s not that expensive. [00:09:54]

But and then also trying to reduce the amount of time that I, I mean I saw that I was eating at the cafeteria and just getting like all these little things when I was staying at school all day and I saw that’s, you know, what most people do, but it kind of adds up. And I mean, I guess I’m just sort of really trying to get my spending back, working on the self-control, and I think that’s one thing that’s the same with the wedding stuff, is that certainly now that sort of you know, I work on one form of anxiety, germs, now I’m trying to work on the next layer to, you know, this sort of impulsive behavior to somehow bring something exciting into life and just sort of learning how to deal with the dullness and the repetition. And that’s sometimes it’s hard for me, you know. And I don’t know why. I guess, I mean, maybe everyone gets a little bored. [00:11:00]

And that’s why they go out to a nice restaurant or they see friends, or they, and so I’m trying to, you know, just sort of spend responsibly and especially with like a lot of the wedding stuff, like at first you see all this stuff, and it looks exciting, and everything could be matching and perfect and then I sort of realize at this point, like, “Yeah, I’m not going to do it.” I’m going to do some DIY and it’s going to be, and that’s one thing like Jeremy like, he’s like, “Oh, I’m just really worried that you’re going to do all this DIY and it’s going to be stressful, and it doesn’t matter.” My friends are going to help me. I’m frustrated because it’s like well, what do you suggest? Do you suggest we spend a hundred more dollars for each item that we’re considering like napkins and place cards and so it’s kind of frustrating because Jeremy sort of feels like he doesn’t want any responsibility doing this but I’m the type of person like I don’t mind spending eight hours stenciling a desk. [00:12:11]

So it’s, you know, and another big decision that we had is we went to two cake tastings and we liked both of them, but one of the cakes tasted a little dry to me, but the quality of the ingredients and the flavor are very sophisticated, and the other cake place had very moist cake, but maybe it wasn’t as sort of polished. So we were kind of in a pickle, but then I just started thinking about you know, it was really kind of a hard decision because, I mean, there’s so many reasons why the sample cake that she pulled out for the tasting could have been not as moist, it could have been in the fridge for awhile, or they were made in a smaller cake mold. [00:13:03]

Maybe she overcooked them because she’s not used to, you know, she’s not as aware, or I mean, you know, hearing what everyone said about how good and tasty her cakes are, I’m like, “You know, maybe I guess it’s sort of hard decision.” And you know, it’s just, especially because wedding cakes are known to be dry, and the other cakes were very moist, they just maybe weren’t as sophisticated, but I think, you know, after picking out the whole sort of the filling, the overall look, the quality of the ingredients, I was able to make up my mind because she was referred to us. Again, I found her independently, but she was referred by our reception, and so I was just thinking that, you know, she knows the venue well, and the venue recommends her, and they’re supposed to be food-focused. [00:14:08]

I just, you know, I sort of like, there’s no sort of perfect, I mean, there’s sort of, it comes down to making that decision that isn’t perfect.

THERAPIST: It’s hard not to feel that having what you envisioned in anything, whether it be a wedding cake, or your wardrobe or your schedule for your dissertation, kind of having to be flexible over what you.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I consider myself easy-going, but if I have some sort of a stick or some sort of like, like I can get very fussy at times and I guess you know, I’m not very, I sort of see I’m not a perfectionist, but I am sort of the idealist, and I think that sort of, you know, wanting to relax from those and I think part of the idealist is because it is exciting to have something all perfect. [00:14:58]

It’s sort of like in racquetball, the perfect, you know racquetball, the perfect lines and that I’m sort of realizing that life can’t be like a class and learning to deal with it, I mean, sort of like sometimes like if life’s not ideal I get this sort of feeling like I do in a class where it’s just like, “Eh, that (inaudible at 00:15:19), just sort of it wasn’t very exciting.” It wasn’t, you know, it was all right.

THERAPIST: When you think about a racquetball performance, that’s the case there too, right? Sometimes the lighting is off or you’re playing too fast, and you have to adjust, you know, you have to adjust the piece in order to meet the conditions. Maybe the court got cleaned and it’s very slippery. You may have to tone down how high is (inaudible at 00:015:50).

CLIENT: Yeah, and I think maybe it’s sort of been awhile since I’ve performed to sort of really feel that, but so anyway, I think that’s sort of where I am, so some things are better, some things I sort of put in reflection. My dad came over to cook chili and so he had a layover and, you know, for me it’s always sort of hard because while it’s not always very cool, it’s kind of weird because I’ve never had a relationship with my dad and then finding out you know, what he’s done to my mom, you know, and sometimes hearing him complain it just—

THERAPIST: You feel like you’ve never had a relationship to your dad?

CLIENT: No, not really.

THERAPIST: I’m surprised to hear you say that.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I just, well growing up, he really didn’t like kids. My mom was the one, she was the stay at home mom. My dad would leave like six months at a time for a Navy cruise and he would come home, but, you know, maybe when I was very little he was into the whole thing, but then he really didn’t do anything until he felt like we were in college, and then he wanted to sort of be our friend. [00:17:06]

But at that point, you know, he just wasn’t someone to really, that we had, you know, growing up, to sort of bond and trust with, and spend time with him. It feels weird. And you know, I’ve gone backpacking with him like once and camping once, but I really don’t feel like it’s a strong relationship. It’s kind of like a, you know, he’s supported us financially, but it was never, “Hey, let’s do something together,” or so it’s weird, trying to sort of reconnect and especially because he wasn’t very nice when you hang out, like he always made jokes. Now it’s better that he’s not drinking so much, so maybe he’s connected with God. [00:18:00]

But so, you know, he came over to do cooking, and you know, surprisingly he didn’t say anything about like his frustrations about Mom, and that actually made me feel better because last time when he was driving Jeremy up to the airport in Los Angeles with him, he was talking about how, you know, it was just basically venting about the relationship wasn’t perfect, and then, you know, he doesn’t think he was that wrong, you know, it was just sort of anxious, and that sort of, “Feel bad for me.”

THERAPIST: Yeah, I remember you being really angry about that.

CLIENT: Yeah, and you know, when I heard that, I was just really upset again, and kind of didn’t, you know, kind of felt weird about having him come over for a layover, but you know, in the same sense, I sort of wouldn’t want to leave anyone out. [00:19:00]

Just because I feel sad too, and especially because I mean, it’s a really sort of frustrating sort of like, I sort of see that you know, what love is to me is being understanding, being patient, being realistic, but also being, I guess at the end, never leaving anyone behind, just keep on having patience and hoping they won’t, I guess in one sense, protect yourself. In one vein, if they’re being harmful directly, but try and help them the best you can, and that’s sort of what love is to me. And sometimes it’s frustrating because I don’t see that sort of love that came back with my parents, they were, they’re not very understanding or patient or, you know, some of the things that were really tough in my life like the anxiety and the germs and while I was dating. [00:19:56]

THERAPIST: Where did you learn that? Where did you learn the idea of being patient and kind and continually allowing people to be there?

CLIENT: I think I learned it from myself because that’s sort of what I wanted, especially when I was dating the second guy, and I was just hoping that, you know, I was always sort of patient, looking for kindness. I mean, in that sense, I sort of thought, well, and maybe it was after he broke up with me and I went through my anxiety, I just, I sort of, you know, put all these things together. I was sad that no one was there for me, and that one one’s patient or understanding, who I was dating. And these are the things that I just, and it was actually just, I mean, there was God, and he was all these things to me, and so I think that maybe that sort of like, through the sort of lessons, the things that I wanted for myself is sort of, you know, my heart got bigger. [00:21:03]

And it wasn’t all, I really didn’t have a big heart, I don’t think, or very understanding, but I mean, and you know, it’s nice, because my sister, she says I’m so supportive (inaudible at 00:21:15) and believing in her. And I have been supportive in the sense, and I always sort of just, I listen to her, I never sort of, and maybe I suggest something or occasionally she just gets really angry. But in the same sense, I don’t give up, and I tell her not to give up, that she’ll find you know, there’s light in the distance.

I mean, I don’t know. You know, it’s sort of these things and I just sort of, you know, maybe it’s just sort of my sort of fear of leaving anyone behind or making, because I know that sometimes things get worse when you leave people behind and you don’t allow them to talk about it, and sort of understand it. And as painful as sometimes things are here, sometimes it’s good just to, you know, talk through them. [00:22:04]

And you know, and that’s sort of, you know, sort of my understanding of my dad, and I don’t know where. I guess it was just sort of seeing how. You know, I always really liked to help people, and especially like my students. I found out that I got on all categories ranked out of five, I got like four point seven five and four point eight five, and I had sort of, I beat all the department benchmarks and I was really happy, because I really like my students, and it was really sad to leave.

THERAPIST: It’s nice to get good feedback on something that’s important to you.

CLIENT: Yeah. And especially because, you know, in all the things I sort of, I mean, I actually, because the first year that I did the teaching for that class, I didn’t care so much about teaching. [00:22:58]

Like I cared enough to, I wanted to be viewed as good, not bad, or smart, but I didn’t really care like I cared this time, and it was interesting to see the way that I sort of matured and have grown and I think just being able to give is sort of, and I guess I sort of, I mean, that’s, you know, sometimes with Jeremy I see that I guess when you’re living with someone every day it’s hard to be patient, and it’s hard to be all those things at once. I mean, with the cat, Carla, but that’s just because they’re just sort of—

THERAPIST: You have different expectations with the cats.

CLIENT: Yeah, that is true.

THERAPIST: Than human friends.

CLIENT: Yes. Well, yeah, and that was one thing like we saw our friends’ cats and our friends’ cats, I mean, one of them, they just recently got a kitten. It’s eight months old, but it’s super friendly and super fluffy and adorable, and we were, and right now our cats are sort of going through the teenage phase where they want some independence and they’re not as cuddly. [00:24:10]

And they don’t always come up and like purr and they’re trying to establish themselves as big kitties. And I understand this, but it’s really hard now that I’ve sort of like sort of changed my sort of expectations. Like I think now they’re very loving, but just sort of from when they were like at a peak spot of just getting to know us and loving us, like they were just very, very lovey. And so I was like, “I want another kitten. Let’s get another kitten.” And I then I spent, I read all these things about, it’s like, “You know, there are some cute kittens out there, and there’s some cute older cats,” but I was like “That might ruin the balance of our cats and sort of take away from what we can give them.” And I was like, “Well, you know, I guess when I was a teenager, the solution was not to have a baby.” [00:25:00]

So I mean, and I read lots of people, you know, it’s just, it’s hard when they’re naughty and like to sort of keep your cool when there’s coffee grounds that they fished the filter out of the sink with wet coffee grounds and there’s coffee grounds everywhere, and the boy was jumping on the fridge and so on. I mean I guess it’s, I guess it’s once I have children, I’ll be even more, because there’s a lot more permutations that they can do, because they can be outside and walking across roads. So I guess it’s sort of one sort of a thing that I just have to deal with and sort of working through the non-ideal and you know, just sort of—

THERAPIST: Yeah, and the things that are out of your control. Part of the challenge with the kittens, or cats, I guess now, is that yeah, they might make things un-ideal, but also not totally under your control. [00:26:02]

CLIENT: Yes, yeah, they’re not. And I think that’s sort of, I mean, I like when they’re naughty too, but I mean, moderately naughty, but and clever. But yeah, and I mean, that’s sort of you know, sort of the whims of cats, why they’re different than dogs. Dogs are a little bit more straightforward. And I think, you know, growing up with cats, sort of, I think I do like their capriciousness. So I think that’s sort of, you know, wanting another kitten just came out of, you know, just seeing our friends’ kitten, but that kitten will probably eventually get a teenager stage.

THERAPIST: They’re all going to grow.

CLIENT: Yeah, but I think learning to love sort of what you have and realizing that. You know, so I think that’s really sort of the, sort of the (inaudible at 00:27:02) things. [00:27:02]

And in terms of weight, I think I’m right around the weight that I want to be, so I saw that. Like at first I was having difficulty gaining weight and then after I had like a huge Indian buffet and a pecan cinnamon roll all to myself, I felt like I was going to puke, I had eaten so much. But it was so tasty, like I sort of saw that sort of joyride that I was looking for in food, like I had it, and now I sort of feel, so now that my weight’s sort of been calibrated, I feel like much. I know a lot much, like much more stable, so it’s—especially like sometimes I go to racquetball and you know, get in exercise, but I don’t feel so tired. [00:27:59]

THERAPIST: How do you feel in your body? Are you feeling comfortable with your body (inaudible at 00:28:02)?

CLIENT: I feel like a little bit uncomfortable, like in the sense of you know, I felt like I like looking thin, but I sort of know, you know, this is just sort of, you know, maybe if my hip bones don’t show quite so much when I’m in racquetball, maybe that’s a good thing. You know, having, you know, this thing called a little tummy in between my hip bones, maybe that’s, you know, sort of healthy. So it’s, you know, it’s all right. I think sometimes why I like being really thin is then so I don’t have to worry about how I look, because I’m thin, it doesn’t matter. But I think now that I just sort of have to be a little more cautious about maybe not having that cheesecake sliver for breakfast. [00:29:03]

So in a sense, I do enjoy those days that I can just eat with free abandon, but in the most part, I know that it’s sort of, it’s sometimes now nice not have to worry. It sort of takes that worry out like once I’m supposed to be eating. Sometimes routine (inaudible at 00:29:22) for eating can actually be very nice because then so, you know, you sort of know what to expect. And I think that certain things, whether it’s anxiety sort of having a set expectation can help remove some of that anxiety.

THERAPIST: Yeah, well because the unknown and the unpredictable is anxious-making for you.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, I’m not good with the mysterious.

THERAPIST: As long as the consistency doesn’t mean rigidity or restriction. I think that’s just what we need to be careful looking at again. As long as the routines you set up for yourself aren’t too restrictive. I mean, as long as you don’t feel that they don’t allow you any flexibility, then the consistency is adaptive. [00:30:04]

When, you know, if you feel like you’re limited, or you can’t divert from the routine, then that’s not so adaptive.

CLIENT: I see.

THERAPIST: So you just need to commit. I know, my job is to check in and ask those questions and help you look at that and see if you’re going too far on one side or the other.

CLIENT: And the last thing that sort of came up was we were out with Paige and Chris, our friends, and I was saying how I like, you know, I sort of joke about this, but I say I don’t wash my hands after riding the subway, which is true, because that’s just sort of for me, it was sort of like a normalizing, something to, you know, not worry about germs, and now I just, you know, of course I probably do get a cold every here and there, but my immune system’s been great after, you know, that initial sort of getting very sick. [00:31:01]

And you know, I’m going through like, “Oh gosh, that’s not, that’s kind of gross,” and I mean, I kind of tease Jeremy with that because he’s a little bit germy like. He’s not germy, but he’s afraid of some germs, like public germs. And but, but then like I was saying, you know, I like being part of the people, like I love the train. I like riding with my people. And as I (inaudible at 00:31:38) my friend, and as I sort of look at my friends, and Chris, and say, “Well I mean, you guys are friends.” I said, “But I still feel kind of lonely and being with the misfits, and it sort of feels nice.” And I sort of you know, I, saying that, I sort of felt bad because I view their friendship much higher than I view my friends. Keep, aka, just sort of—

THERAPIST: The public. [00:32:01]

CLIENT: The public, the random hipsters, I mean, the sixty-six is known to be sort of a colorful in terms of variety of characters and sometimes it’s nice to just sort of sit on the subway and sort of blend in amongst. Because I sort of, I guess I sort of saw that I feel like a misfit. Like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Like we’re a bunch of misfits. I mean, I don’t feel like I’m an elephant in a box, but just sort of like I feel like on the bus, there’s something about it.

And I know in high school, I sort of felt this like, I sort of felt kind of alone, but being amongst the mass, the warmth, waiting in line just to get something at the lunch line, whether it was a soda or I felt better, I felt good to be amongst the masses and I guess I’m not very claustrophobic. But you know, it’s just, it was really sort of interesting. I can’t make sense of it, but—

THERAPIST: You feel like you’re part of a community, in a community that you feel like you fit in by not having to fit in any one particular box. You’ve kind of alluded to this feeling in the past where it’s hard to capture all of what you’re interested in and sort of what you identify with just one of your roles, right? You don’t totally fit in with the regular physics students, and you’re not just a racquetball player, you’re also a PhD candidate and you like to be really crafty at home, but you’re not a homemaker because you also are working on your doctorate. So you, right, there’s all these different boxes that you could fit into, you don’t fit into just one of them. And maybe the piece that you’re sort of talking about is on the sixty-six where there’s also lots of other people that maybe don’t clearly fit into just any one box. You want to be all of your selves.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I actually feel really comfortable with that. I mean, people that are sort of more open-minded, just because it sort of puts less pressure. I mean, and Jeremy said I started dressing like a hipster. [00:34:09]

In one sense, it kind of is true, what sort of a hipster does wear, but in another sense, like I like the way it looks, and I like hanging out with these people, and I sort of see that, you know, that’s just one of many forms of self-expression. I sometimes dress differently, and you know, so I mean, I sort of like, at first I got annoyed, but then it’s like, “Well, whatever.” If I want to wear this I’ll wear this.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it feels like an expression of what you’re feeling or who you are, then who’s to judge?

CLIENT: Yeah, but, and so I mean—

THERAPIST: I’m glad you’re allowing yourself to find yourself, wherever it is that you find that.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I think it’s just in random bits and pieces, just because I guess I’m just naturally curious. You know, just sort of like being able to try on many different outfits, but sort of maintain the same sort of peace of mind. [00:35:05]

I mean, it’s definitely amusing to me. You know, sort of like sort of doing my thing in many, and I sort of think that to me, that’s sort of what freedom is.

THERAPIST: Being able to do lots of different things.

CLIENT: Yeah, without sort of holding onto these sort of, I mean, there should be certain expectations in life like working hard, and being kind to others and not doing dangerous stuff, though that’s sometimes not the expectation for daredevils. But you know, but I sort of see that, you know, for all the things that there isn’t sort of a set, like it’s not hurting anyone, it’s just something, it’s really just sort of creativity and not, like, I think this sort of, I’m starting to feel like a little bit more comfortable, not as.

You know, even like, you know, friends that like my hair. Clearly I had woken up, I was big rat’s nest, rather than trying to straighten it and trying to, I’m more comfortable with just sort of putting it up and not realizing that not every day has to be a photo shoot sort of day. [00:36:12]

Or yeah, just sometimes, I just didn’t want to fuss with my hair, so it sort of just went up, and after my cats kind of brushed it, well they kind of eat it, and they brush it. That’s what I consider my daily brushing. But and so, I started to feel like I’m becoming more comfortable with myself.

THERAPIST: I’m glad to hear that. You’re growing into your skin.

CLIENT: Yeah. And you know, sometimes it means that Jeremy and I aren’t always going to agree, like I was showing him a bunch of things, ideas I had for like staple pieces, like kind of a tight-fitting black blazer and all this stuff, and he’s like, “I thought you wear what the Boho or the Boho chic. I thought you were doing that.” [00:37:01]

I was like, “Well show me, you know, what you think the Boho chic is,” and so we looked it up on the Internet and see all these summery dresses, and I was like, “No. Can you imagine me wearing one of those summery dresses?” And then when I, when we looked at the winter looks, I was like, “Now these are the same looks at Free People you’re rolling your eyes at and saying.”

And so I was almost like, you know, I sort of thought at that point, I was like, “You know, it’s kind of sad that someone is so stuck in sort of an image that’s not evolving.” Like even these styles evolved, and you can look at something that’s the punk of today is going to look different than the punk of, you know, back when I was, you know, and so it’s just so everything’s sort of evolving. And I said, “You know, Jeremy, you know, these things are evolving, and sometimes you have to go with, you know, what fits the area, the weather, the sort of, you know, this idea of wearing a spring like frock.” [00:38:04]

I was like, you know, this is almost like, can you imagine me at thirty years old wearing this, or I said, you know, there’s certain styles that translate and can be timeless, but you know, so I was just, it was really interesting to sort of understand like, you know, still trying to figure out who is me, but trying.

THERAPIST: And who are you now, or today?

CLIENT: yeah.

THERAPIST: Doesn’t seem to be the same all the time.

CLIENT: Yeah, sort of yeah, but.

THERAPIST: Well why don’t we wrap up here for today, and we were all set with our schedule (inaudible at 00:38:34), right?

CLIENT: Yeah. I believe (inaudible at 00:38:43).

THERAPIST: Next Tuesday the twenty-eighth, at one thirty.

CLIENT: Did we have anything after that?

THERAPIST: We didn’t. We didn’t put anything in for February, which we certainly can do. Did you have a preference for the Tuesday or the Friday or in February I’ll also be here on Wednesdays.

CLIENT: I think I like the Tuesday better because I have racquetball here and if my Fridays are free I can just stay at home.

THERAPIST: And you were trying to fit in like three a month, right?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So how about we do Tuesday the fourth, eighteenth, and twenty-fifth, all at one thirty?

CLIENT: Fourth, eighteenth, and twenty-fifth. And at one thirty?

THERAPIST: That looks like it should work for me. [00:39:58]

CLIENT: The date today is the seventeenth?

THERAPIST: That’s correct. Thank you.

CLIENT: Oh, excuse me for yawning. I haven’t had any coffee.

END TRANSCRIPT