TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

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CLIENT: If there’s room, that’s probably okay. So things are going – for the most part, having Tammy – I think things are good now, but Jeremy got upset because she – her and I had discussed, and I thought I had discussed with Jeremy that we’re going to take her to the doctors on Friday, then she had a flight back on Saturday. Jeremy didn’t hear that part. He remembered the part a while ago where she was going to get a flight on, so he had to make plans mentally, and he got frustrated when he heard Tammy might not leave until the week after. It’s interesting that he gets frustrated because he’s not – other than just having to see her and having to sort of cook up a little bit extra, and have me – I mean, I’m baking desserts right and left, because that’s what my sister likes. [00:01:14]

So you know, then in the most sense, I’ve been taking care of my sister, and she’s gotten much easier to take care of. Just strap her into her boot, help her shower, give her a bath. I mean in terms of – I mean I think I understand. The reason why they hadn’t bought – my sister is not very organized, and as well as sort of (inaudible 00:01:46) in the hospital on Friday, there was no hospital bed on Friday. It was supposed to come on Monday. Now it’s coming on Tuesday. She was supposed to have a flight on Friday. That’s very expensive. Then there’s Saturday. Saturday ended up to be too expensive, so she’s going to stay another week. For some reason, being flexible, I don’t mind. [00:02:14]

Memorial Day weekend for me is like, really I don’t want to take Monday off because I just want to do my research, so you know, it’s different when you’re a worker and you have – you don’t have the sort of luxury – you don’t have flexibility in your schedule. So I can understand why people like to do something special for Memorial Day, and that’s what Jeremy was planning, that we drop Tammy off on Friday at the airport, then stay over. So he got angry, but fortunately Tammy, they found a flight that was affordable, that was $200.00 on Sunday night. [00:03:04] I got angry at Jeremy because first of all, it’s my family, and I do conceive that it is frustrating when plans aren’t set forward, but I just sort of go into flexibility mode, and understanding that they don’t have much money. They’re looking for a cheap flight back. She could have arranged this a while ago, but the moment that she decided that she was going to go through the surgery, she could have been much better at arranging everything in advance, but I know she’s not that type of person.

Then again, I sort of realized I’m not that type of person either. So I got frustrated. Ultimately I said, I’m sorry. [00:04:05] I thank you for being so accommodating and taking a day off of work. It is a lot for him to take a day off of work and drive down to the airport, then drive back the same day. But he was happy once he found out Tammy had a flight back, and things would go back to normal. I mean, I guess you sort of – that’s one thing during this whole thing. Jeremy’s like, I love you. I’m not mad at you. I’m mad at the situation. If anything, you’ve shown me that you’re a much better person than I am. And I think that’s true. I am a very – I mean in a sense, maybe I’m not the best at protecting myself from getting walked on, but in this situation, you have to be understanding because someone’s up there, and Tammy’s been thanking, been very thankful recently. [00:05:14] Every day she’s like, “Thank you so much.” She’s like, “Thank you for not being begrudging about giving me a bath.” I’m like, well, you’re pretty helpless. I always felt the calling when people are in need, to help them out.

THERAPIST: I’m glad she can appreciate that and Jeremy can see what a strength that is for you.

CLIENT: Yeah, because that was the thing when I met him. It’s funny because I was not in a good situation, but neither was he, and it was actually – it felt nice to help take care of him. In that sense he was in more of a sort of not good position. [00:06:01] It’s interesting because when he was not in a good position with money, and he was stressed out and angry, I felt it was harder to help him, and I got angry that he was so—

THERAPIST: You have more empathy for some difficulties, not others.

CLIENT: Yeah, it seems to me—

THERAPIST: People do have soft spots.

CLIENT: But you know, it’s just – sometimes I get frustrated with the limitations. One thing my dad joked, and I, he was like, “Why don’t you just (inaudible 00:06:37) spend all that time with Christina.” Mom’s like, “No, no, don’t do that.” I actually brought that up with Jeremy and he quieted down a little bit, because I actually was – in a sense I think it needs to be said because there’s favors that we do back and forth that reduce them to a considerable amount of time with his family. I like his mom. [00:07:00] His brother’s okay, but Christina, I mean, she’s just not my cup of tea, but I suck it up and spend time with her because I know that Jeremy should be close to his brother, and you know, I think – because my family’s not nearby, we don’t spend that much time with my family. It’s been nice to spend time with my sister. We laugh. Even Jeremy, we all sit at the table, we all talk.

So I think in a sense I just get frustrated when he gets more stressed out than it needs to be, because very little of his life has been impacted. I mean, apart from the initial beginnings when we slept on the air mattress, but in the same sense understanding those are his boundaries. He’s just not as flexible. [00:08:06] But the one thing that my sister, which she’s talked about this before, but when she goes into how much of a self-hater she is, and how mom was very critical, and instead of taking her to therapy when she was young, she just did not – I mean, my mom is not known for saying – for being non-judgmental, and non-critical, and open, and understanding. That’s not a characteristic of my mom unless it’s choosing a color of pink, or a hot pink. From my own experience, I’ve experienced not being welcomed home because of who I was dating. [00:09:01]

Even my hair being long, my mom said it was very unflattering, and which is why I chopped off my hair. My hair was very, very long, not as long as my sister’s, but my sort of things, I don’t like to dwell on it, because it’s not – for me it’s just not constructive to dwell on something that was in the past and will only bring up sore wounds. For my sister, she talks about it, and she talks about it a lot, and I don’t really know – I told her maybe it was best you didn’t go to therapy when you were younger. Sometimes therapy can do more harm. In a sense, it can’t really do any harm – it can’t – I didn’t mean harm. I just meant that maybe it wouldn’t have done any good, done the best, or I don’t know. [00:10:04] She took that as kind of like – I mean, she just didn’t say anything. She put on her headphones and was a little upset that I said that, so I apologized.

THERAPIST: It wasn’t the response she was looking for.

CLIENT: No. (laughter) I apologized and said that I’m sorry, and I know it affected you so much, and I said, (inaudible 00:10:29) when you’re old, once you get a little bit more money, when you’re working, you can go to therapy every week like I do, or three times a week, biweekly, like I do, because I like it and find it helpful. She’s like, “Well, I probably won’t have time to do it.” She’s like, “I’ve come into terms with it.” Well if you’ve come to terms with it, why are we talking about it? Why can’t we just move on? I don’t know what to say to someone like— [00:11:03]

THERAPIST: What’s it like for you when she talks about it? Does it trigger upset feelings for you?

CLIENT: No. I actually feel bad for mom and feel like – I mean, I feel bad for her. I feel bad for mom. It makes me just sort of – I see it as an intense moment, and I feel like, you know, I sort of feel like it’s like a fight. It’s like a fight with an invisible person. I don’t know. For me it sort of goes against the things maybe I told myself about my mom to sort of feel good and be able to spend time with my mom. [00:12:03] That’s ultimately – I’ve always been sort of very – there’s some things I don’t forget, and for some reason I cling onto many things, but for the most part I forgive, especially when I love the person. I guess – I don’t know. I know it was making me upset, but I don’t know why, whether it was because it made me feel bad for mom, feel bad for Tammy, just feel sort of like stuck.

I think it just made me feel sort of helpless. I don’t know what to tell her. I’m sorry that happened. I’m sorry that it affected you so much. I can’t do anything about it. I think it’s once again sort of – whenever she says she’s a self-hater, and some people do have that quality where they – that’s another thing. It makes me feel like I want to make it better, but you know, sometimes people just need other people to listen. [00:13:14] So I think sort of after that I realized some of these things, just sort of nod your head, and sort of listen, and say something now and again, but nothing too dramatic.

THERAPIST: Yeah. You don’t have to fix it between her and your mom. You’re stuck in the middle feeling badly for both of them, and you can’t change what happened in the past. You also don’t have influence over how they interact in the present. It’s okay for you to set limits about how long you can listen and be empathic, because it is something also that impacts you, hearing about her perception of what family life was like, impacts the story and narrative you’ve created for yourself to be okay and accept what your family life was like. [00:14:08] That’s striking a balance between meeting her need to be able to talk about it and having you empathize, and your need not to live in the past.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I think I need to sort of learn how to set the boundaries, and set them without saying something that sort of seems like I don’t have any empathy.

THERAPIST: Finding a way of saying, “Can we talk about this for a little while?” Or maybe there are times when it’s better for you to talk about it than others. So asking, “Can we talk about this tomorrow?” if you find there’s a space that’s easier for you.

CLIENT: Yeah. Maybe that would be sort of like, I have to get back to work. We can talk about this later. Yeah. [00:15:05] I think saying something like that, because she understands when I’m on G Chat, I’m like, I have to go. I have to get back to work. She’s like, “Okay, bye.” Or, “Okay, talk to you later.” So I think setting those boundaries – I guess normally I haven’t spent this much time with my sister for a while.

THERAPIST: And you don’t want to have to leave your house. It’s a little bit harder when you have a house guest.

CLIENT: Yeah, especially one who’s not particularly mobile. She’s gotten better. Jeremy and I, we – what is it? We went hiking this last weekend, the third weekend in a row that we went outside and did a three hour, three and a half hour hike. [00:16:00] This one was actually really strenuous, which was good, because the other ones were like baby hikes, or just walks in the woods. I found a really positive thing, because we’re spending very concentrated time together, and it’s something we both want to do, get exercise. It’s amazing how positive it’s been. He’s been very loving and appreciative because of these hikes. It’s crazy because I realize that during the winter, when we can’t go outside, to think of things to do together, like ice skating and yoga, because I’m going to try to push for that, it does take sort of a considerable amount of – there’s times when I’m tired. These hikes are exhausting. [00:17:00] I like doing them, but I get exhausted. So I’m the one who actually suggests these things, but—

THERAPIST: Are you eating enough to fuel a three-hour hike?

CLIENT: I am after, and we realized that when we’re both sort of in the middle of the hike, we’re sort of like, ugh, why is this so difficult? Let’s split a Powerbar. Jeremy, for some reason, is back into – his middle is thicker. Basically, he’s put on muscle, so he’s gained weight from his normal – he’s been cooking quite dietetic, and after these hikes I’m starving. So he goes to bed.

THERAPIST: You need fuel too, to do all that activity. [00:18:00]

CLIENT: So you know, that’s one of the things. It’s interesting because him and I will sort of both know, okay, we’re exhausted, it’s time to eat. So I think – that’s part of my favorite things after, because after we went on the hike, he cooked spaghetti. I was like oh, I’ll have a little wine. It was really nice to just sort eat with wild abandon after doing all that work, and I can see that’s why some people enjoy doing the extensive workouts, because then you get to reward themselves after, but it’s getting better because I’m working up. It’s kind of like any time I – I exercise, just I’m just now sort of ramping in going to dance, and trying to do it twice a week, and go hiking, and maybe do yoga once. [00:19:13] I think that’s sort of it. I sort of went into a role of – I think I was just sort of exhausted from the semester, and last week I didn’t get much done. I think I was getting frustrated with the meticulous work, but after this Friday, I started thinking about – after talking with you and sort of going back to me, and what am I trying to prove, and are there other ways to prove it, things that sunk in last night – I found trying to visualize it rather than trying to make it mathematical. [00:20:02]

Because with mathematics, it’s so difficult. Sometimes a nice picture can be more illustrative than anything. So yeah, I have lots of exciting things to do, creating a deadline for myself by the end of this month to have the paper finished. I have two weeks, or one and a half weeks, something like that. I feel that by having that deadline, I’ll feel very accomplished. It’s going to be a rough draft, so it’s not going to be the best, but just trying to get the pictures in.

THERAPIST: Complete.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I have lots of pictures. I’m just sort of sitting on them, and for some reason, I don’t know why I’m sitting on them. I think I’m waiting for some other things. So I’ll just put them in the paper, and maybe if they’re all together, they’ll make sense. [00:21:03] I sort of last night, that clarity came—

THERAPIST: It’s a good feeling.

CLIENT: Yeah it is. Sometimes – I remember some of the things my advisor had mentioned. “You should think about this.” I mean I guess the first paper’s always going to be hard, but let’s see. What else? I finally – well, I was very proud of myself because I was able to mail off the invitations. I still have three more to mail off today, but I know I had a fear of mailing. I even mailed one without the – it had 84 cents of postage, and I was supposed to put and extra stamp on it to make it 91, but for some reason I was just putting lots of them in the mail because I was sick of watching every one. [00:22:10] I started to worry about it, and then I was like, it’s either going to come back to me, or it’s going to go to them, and they’re going to be like, “If you’re short a few cents, maybe we’re not going to do that (inaudible 00:22:26). Maybe it will go to them and they will get a slip that you’re missing five cents. Come pick it up at the post office and pay five cents. So I just realized—

THERAPIST: Worst case scenario is not that bad.

CLIENT: Yeah. So—

THERAPIST: That helps to think about sometimes.

CLIENT: Yeah. I found that that calms me down, to realize if you can deal with the worst—

THERAPIST: That problem is solvable.

CLIENT: Yeah. I think – Jeremy and I actually did lots of wedding stuff on Sunday together, and it was nice because he was right there. We were sitting together. We were doing wedding stuff together so we could make a plan. We finished the website, and we sent it out to our family. We had been proofreading. When I read the website, I was rough drafting everything. My mind was here and there. I got kind of annoyed when one of his – it’s actually his really good – he has a really good relationship with one of their workers, Jackie. She found all these mistakes of the things that I wrote. I was like, really? Is she really reading it? Then I was like, well, she’s just trying to help, and realized this wasn’t critically-acclaimed literature that you’re writing, rough draft it, and it’s good that she catches that before other people read it. [00:24:05]

Jeremy’s making the changes, so even better. Just sort of making a checklist of all the things we have to buy, and starting to buy those things, and buying invitations. There’s a lot of stuff you have to buy, little odds and ends, and vases, and velvet ribbon. I’m fortunate that I’m an eBayer, because you can find lots of the crafting stuff straight from China or Hong Kong, so it’s much cheaper. I’m looking for velvet ribbon. It doesn’t have to be from France or Switzerland. I just has to be velvet. But I really see things coming together, and Jeremy says he really likes how everything’s coming together.

THERAPIST: Good. That’s nice feedback.

CLIENT: Yeah. He’s like, “You know, in the beginning we had all these pictures, but I still couldn’t visualize it.” I was like, yeah, I know you couldn’t. [00:25:02] I was like, even with pictures, you couldn’t – the PowerPoint – I sort of (laughter) I guess I’m one of the few brides who creates multiple PowerPoints. (laughter)

THERAPIST: It’s useful.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I think it ran – it’s running out of space there.

CLIENT: But yeah, he agrees it was very thoughtful to do the incorporation of herbs. In a sense, he liked that, but I also liked that. I think I’m getting better. For example, this dress – I didn’t ask him at all what he thought of it. I just saw it, and was like, oh, my mom is giving me money for my birthday. I will get this dress, because I really want it. Then when I tried it on, I was like, I’m not sure if I really like it. I was almost growing into like a – I go, why did I get this? [00:26:03] It looked so nice on the model. I find out that this part is see-through, so I need another tank top underneath. But I sort of, putting it on again today, I—

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