TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Sorry I’m late.
THERAPIST: That’s okay.
CLIENT: I chose yoga instead of going to [inaudible at 00:00:19]. [Pause] Hi.
THERAPIST: Hi.
[Pause]
CLIENT: I got home after leaving here yesterday and went to sleep. I was so exhausted. I didn’t quickly go to bed but I went to sleep. Jeremy was doing all these things with coaxial cables and the routers and modems in the living room. He was sitting in the middle of the floor with thick wires going across the room from his laptop. I grabbed the pillow and lied down next to him and went to sleep. [00:02:26]
Do you think it was [inaudible at 00:02:38]? Might, but I’m not sure why. I think I dreamed of a [inaudible at 00:03:07]. Do you think it’s rough to say I love you and to not hear it back even though I feel the least attached to that, that I’ve ever been? I got used to an attachment there. [00:04:10]
I dreamed that I didn’t leave when you asked me to. Your next patient had to get me to leave. There were two patients. I don’t know if I stayed in that waiting room and came back in after the first one left and then the second one had to ask me to leave too.
THERAPIST: So do you mean you stayed through the next one session and then the one after that had to ask you to leave?
CLIENT: Well two patients asked me to leave and it’s not from the dream whether it’s because I stayed for the first one’s session or if it just happened again or every day. It was this woman who gave this talk last Thursday it was [inaudible at 00:05:25] the first time. She was very [inaudible at 00:05:33].
THERAPIST: You had a talk at work or a fancy [inaudible at 00:05:34]?
CLIENT: Yes, yes at work. [Pause] I also seemed too sort of heavy as the session went on. [inaudible at 00:06:37]. [Pause] Do you have a sense of what I mean?
THERAPIST: When you’re very (ph) heavy? I assume you mean like, what’s the name, lighthearted or upbeat but rather serious or dour I think. [00:08:25]
CLIENT: Yes because that plus when you have some stuff to say but you don’t quite like it, which I think [inaudible at 00:08:51]. You don’t say it but you’re really thinking about things you don’t have anything to say yet. There’s a lot of that combined with this sort of down [inaudible at 00:09:14]. I think it’s bothering me because if we had had more time I find, sometimes I feel if I had talked less I would have, some of that would’ve kind of helped.
THERAPIST: That’s one of the things I was thinking.
CLIENT: Or they would have formed in a way that made me comfortable talking about them. [00:10:04]
[Pause]
[inaudible at [00:11:41] I had long talks with Brenda (ph) before the really 2012 schedule change question before this one. [Pause] I mean the first time was I think I called her and we talked on the phone for a long time. On Sunday we just had one of our normal woods walks and the topic was not events or you but somehow the result of that day. Talking about most of my day being just constellation, contemplative, coping things, little bitty sightseeing right? We talked a lot about that. [00:13:18]
But there’s something about it being fueled by her feeling confident, more confident in something that’s true about both times. I’m really ripe for an anchor or something. Jeremy and I talked about this recently. I said Jeremy I feel adrift. He said I do too. I asked him what his adrift felt like. I said I think my adrift feels like I have no anchor. And it was really interesting, Jeremy said oh I am so unanchored; I have no sails. Then we got into ourselves over it because I did not get that at first. [00:14:50]
But I think I feel like I have a lot of sails. I have many things, many people, many drives to sort of set me in a direction. But none of them but I have no way to stop or no way to rest. It’s more the resting, you know refuge. Everything seems really [inaudible at 00:15:31] minty (ph). Also it’s hard to know which direction is a good one when you can’t stop or when it’s up to the wind and not in my control which I feel like I have the anchor of all anchors in my family. [00:15:53]
I think for Jeremy, everywhere he looks he wants just to stop. If things are too hard or things are uncertain or such, or reflective I think that’s what he means by anchor, things holding him back. He doesn’t know which direction is a good one or he can’t find one because he has no sails. He can’t catch the wind. [00:16:46]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: When (ph) we’re back on the ocean, because we were yesterday too with the dream on the boat. [00:18:07]
CLIENT: Yes. There was a lot of swaying and everything was screwed down, all the furniture was screwed down. There was nothing else that made it feel like a boat but that’s pretty boaty. Didn’t we leave the ocean for a little while?
THERAPIST: Yes I mean it’s been a while.
CLIENT: Where did we go?
THERAPIST: Well your question relates to what I was going to say which is I think I apparently am leaving you adrift. [00:19:07]
CLIENT: Why is your job to anchor me? Pray (ph) yes, but I’m not sure why that’s a problem.
THERAPIST: Well -
CLIENT: Yes, fine. You are leaving me adrift, Ivan (ph) is leaving me adrift, my work is leaving me adrift, my meditation practice is leaving me adrift, I am leaving myself adrift.
THERAPIST: Sticking with me for a minute because it’s clear to me I didn’t have much to say towards the end yesterday I guess. I didn’t reciprocate when you told me that you, I mean I also didn’t really answer about what I think or how I feel about you. I guess it seems to me also I think at the end of the hour that’s another way of leading you adrift. [00:21:04]
CLIENT: Yes, I don’t want to hear it’s time to stop.
THERAPIST: I mean so far all I’m saying is I think these are the ways I’m leaving you adrift.
CLIENT: [inaudible at 00:21:40]. And yet you’re not leaving me altogether. So that’s the worst kind. I can’t move to another part of the ocean or another ocean. I can’t forget about you. [00:22:32]
THERAPIST: I guess in so many ways I’m not as you were the people at work, like give you a big hug, hold you when you cry, being supportive in quite that way.
CLIENT: And I’m not doing that for you. I think I felt that more than the other line (ph). Like you’re leaving me adrift by not [00:23:20]
THERAPIST: But I use that.
CLIENT: Jeremy did a lot of that last night. [Pause] So yes, you’re not letting me hear my calling, hear [when I’m not] (ph) when I stand where you are and keeping my feelings right around. I hate the way of calling but I used it yesterday. [00:24:44]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: It makes me think of the bus driving except this is sort of I think in a way if it weren’t confound to [inaudible at 00:25:16] in that you’re not driving the bus, I’m not driving the bus, there is no bus, there’s no road, there’s no pant. [00:25:31]
CLIENT: So what about it making it bus driving?
THERAPIST: Because I think maybe in a more fundamental way there’s a sense of things being wide open and out of control.
CLIENT: Yes, like when I’m not driving the bus, yes.
THERAPIST: Or when I or someone else is leaving you drifting. [00:26:11]
[Pause]
CLIENT: Yes I guess somehow it doesn’t matter to you. You don’t have to anchor, it’s not your job to anchor me and it’s not your I think I don’t expect it. I guess those things that don’t matter when I’m feeling really adrift. [00:27:30]
THERAPIST: Your message is that you, it makes you feel needy and dependent, which sucks.
CLIENT: That I’m lost.
THERAPIST: Yes. And it matters so much.
CLIENT: Well it’s also very scary. What was that anchor, what was my life, what would my boat look like if it were anchored inside of you because that would be weird; that would be strange unless a lot of things changed. The way it is now, it’s a really bad anchor. [00:28:20]
Sometimes you’re in the ocean, sometimes you’re in the wind and sometimes you’re on a sandbar on the side of me, a little bit ahead of something. But yes, none of those is an anchor.
[Pause]
It’s not clear why it’s so scary with that feeling adrift. Nobody died from being adrift, or maybe they did. But it’s very bad; it’s a very unpalatable feeling, really bad. [00:29:52]
[Pause]
It’s not clear also why what would an anchor look like through this ocean? Let’s say it’s growing and it comes for me. I’m not sure there’s a way to anchor myself. It’s a very bottomless [00:30:58]
[Pause]
THERAPIST: Actually I don’t think that’s true. I think there are moments you have felt anchored here and I think now for some reason that’s your experience with this and with me. [00:32:18]
CLIENT: Can you think of when I felt anchored?
THERAPIST: Sure, at the beginning of the hour yesterday and the way that we talked about what was going on with wanting to change the time.
CLIENT: Yes, once that was more or less clear what you were trying, what you were doing.
THERAPIST: We should stop right now. [00:33:03]
CLIENT: That’s the difference between having some joint experience to talk about that we were both here for and the rest of the time, which feels like I was alone. When do you think I’ll know about next week?
THERAPIST: By the end of the day today.
CLIENT: [inaudible]. Thank you. [00:34:36]
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