TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: ... I imagine because I'm late.

CLIENT: You would think that I would get used to it. I mean, I am used to it, but that it would no longer...

THERAPIST: I never thought about why it feels so entertaining because I think there I'm the fuck-up. As we've been talking about so often, you feel like you're the fuck up or set yourself up as the fuck-up; and I think with me, often when you're feeling like the fuck-up, I seem like the one who has it together with the Pilates class and the house uptown and whatever. You're almost always on time.

CLIENT: [...] (inaudible at 00:00:49) two kids.

THERAPIST: Right. But I'm always late and you're always on time. [00:00:58]

CLIENT: Not always. There was that time that I thought it was at 9:15 and it was at 8:30.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: A lot of people are late.

THERAPIST: Yeah, but it's fun when I'm late.

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess so. Did I tell you the story about when I landed at the airport from I got a text from my friend, Aaron, who I've known since the fourth grade? He's a bit of a flake.

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: He's the reason I moved up here. I came to visit him and liked it. So I get this text where he says, "Are you sitting?" It was sent at like 3:00 and it's 10:00 at night, and I texted him back that I'm sitting on the airplane. "A mutual friend of ours," he said, "Millie has cancer and she's dying."

THERAPIST: Oh, no. [00:02:06]

CLIENT: That's what I said. I'm all distraught. I text Jess, who's coming to pick us up. She's all distraught. We're driving the car. I drop off Ian and go to leave. I call Tim right away and I get voicemail. He's the husband. I sent him an email.

THERAPIST: Is this someone you grew up with?

CLIENT: Actually, he was Aaron's roommate when I first came up here. We lived together and have been good friends ever since.

THERAPIST: Is Tim the one you're close with, or are you close with the one who has cancer?

CLIENT: Tim, his wife is Millie, who Aaron says is dying of cancer. So I email Tim in the morning. I'm like, "I love you guys. Give me a call if you like." [00:03:05] He sends me an email back and said we can talk about 5:00. I said, "That's great." He calls me about 5:00 and we're chatting. He's one of these people who's just always interested in whoever the person he's talking to, so he's asking me about everything. "How's everything going?" Blah, blah, blah. So I said, "How are you doing?" He said, "Well, you know, with Millie's mom's cancer... " and I'm like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa." (both laugh) So here I am thinking that it's Millie who's dying of cancer, and it's her mom. I mean, I had trouble sleeping and it was just really... Her mom is very cool. I've stayed at her mom's house so I'm sad about that, but completely relieved. [00:03:59]

THERAPIST: Yeah, that's a whole different ballgame.

CLIENT: Yeah. So I had a very interesting day yesterday. The last couple nights, just the bickering that's going on in the house kind of gets to me and I just want to leave; but yesterday, I go to E&G and was talking to the president, who is the realtor, and E&G wants us to move out of the office, which is a smart thing. It is just a bedroom community; there are no businesses, really. So we were thinking of other places; and E&G wants us to move to the county, which I think is a great idea. It's slightly farther for me – maybe five minutes. It's somewhat of a parochial area but, being a lunchtime chapter, I think there are people who want to get into it. They have a morning chapter with like 47 people, so there are probably a lot of people in the county who want to join that E&G who can't because they're locked out. We may lose a couple of people because they don't want to drive all the way there. [00:05:24]

THERAPIST: Forty-seven people in the morning chapter sounds like a pretty good...

CLIENT: Yeah. We've had people – the counselor is from there, we had a realtor from there, our current realtor has an office in there. I used to be a member of the Greater County Association– or an affiliate; so, despite it being parochial, I think it's a good move for the group. For me, all that matters is the mortgage guy and the realtor are sending me business. That's all that matters. Whether I get the business or not, that's icing on the cake. [00:06:02] I was pretty excited about that. Then the CPA was giving a presentation and every time she gives a presentation, I get anxious, I get butterflies in my stomach. She never has any good news. It's all just bad news about what the IRS is doing. She kind of, I think, overplays how aggressive they are becoming in auditing and this, that and the other, but it still gets me very anxious. So I'm very anxious and going to pick up Ian to go up from school and take him ice skating and I had to stop by the house to get his bag of crap. Jess was there and I had to pee, so I went inside to pee and I forgot his bag on the way out. [00:06:53] So I'm driving through the snow-ridden streets– it was just a nightmare. I pick him up and I'm like, "Buddy, do you really want to go?" and he's like, "Yeah, I want to go." I finally convinced him that by the time we get back to the house – because the school is like, boom, you're right on the interstate; but to get back to the house and get to the road, by the time we would have gotten there, there would have been 20 minutes left in the class. He was fine with that. So we were kind of hanging out and Jess was saying how we have to get our taxes done by the end of the month for the financial aid. She wants him to go to this private school. I just got very, very anxious again and I had to leave. I just went home and took a Klonopin, which helped, and so I was feeling much better. It was just a very weird day because I was up and down. I haven't had anxiety like that in a while. [00:07:50]

Last night I went to Big Head Todd and the Monsters. I got there and was up close to the front. There weren't a lot of people there. I was chatting with people, whatnot and the other. The show comes on and I've got a couple of vodka tonics in me and this guy and his girlfriend, wife, whatever barge up through and stand two people in front of me. Tap, tap, tap. The guy turns around like, "Get the fuck out of here. What are you doing?" He just turns around. Tap, tap, tap. "Stop tapping me," and he turns back around. Tap, tap, tap. (chuckles) [00:08:49]

THERAPIST: What was it? He didn't have a ticket to be up there?

CLIENT: No. It's just that we've all been up front and this guy just...

THERAPIST: I see. So it's like cutting.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's uncool. He's standing in front of a guy who can't see now because he's taller than him. Everybody around was pissed, but no one ever wants to do anything. I'm always one of those people who never wants to do anything; but for some reason, I decided to do something. I told him and his girlfriend because they're like, "Leave us alone," and I'm like, "You guys are being very inconsiderate." His girlfriend goes, "You're inconsiderate." I go, "You're a fucking asshole. Would you do this at Stop and Shop? Would you just go cut in the line at Stop and Shop?" People kind of pulled me away from him. People thanked me at intermission. [00:09:42] Then the second set comes on and they're back there again. This time, now, I'm kind of standing right next to them and the girlfriend bumps into me and I kind of [head-checked] (ph?) her – probably a little harder than I should have. He's like, "Touch my girlfriend again... " and I don't remember what I said, but I was pissed off and I was ready to... I haven't punched someone since I played rugby in college. I hit the guy – a huge guy – in the face and then I ran. [00:10:13]

THERAPIST: In college?

CLIENT: In college, yeah. He apologized to me at the party because he was holding onto my jersey and he tried swim moves. There's all these different things you try and do when someone has your jersey. That's illegal, holding onto someone's jersey. You're told that if you can't get them off your jersey, pop them in the face, so I popped him in the face. Big, tall dude. They all shave their heads on the way down and I just ran back with the little guys. My team won it and he apologizes to me at the party and buys me a beer. So I'm not a big fighter. (laughs) But I was thinking, "My fist is going in his throat. My knee is going in his groin if he comes anywhere near me." And, once again, they kind of pulled me off and they actually eventually left – the couple. I guess they were sick of me harassing the shit out of them. [00:11:12] It was very out of character for me, you know? It was just a very bizarre day with all the anxiety and then to go – and the show was great. I was having a fun time. I kind of had a lot of anger throughout the day driving because there was a lot of traffic in the city because of the snow and snow removal. I think it just all culminated in me kind of snapping on this guy. I don't know what to make of it. (pause) A guy bought me a drink. [00:11:55]

THERAPIST: That guy?

CLIENT: No. Someone else. I was joking. A guy was going to get a beer for him and his friends, whatever, and I'm like, "Grab me a vodka tonic." Twenty minutes later he taps me on the shoulder and he has a vodka tonic for me. (chuckles) To everyone else I was the hero. Usually when I have confrontations with people you feel kind of – it's hard to describe – but I get kind of – I don't know. Afterwards I feel kind of – I don't know. I get this feeling in my stomach and adrenalin and it's not a very comfortable feeling after I usually have a confrontation with someone, you know, and I didn't have that feeling this time. I just felt that I was so right in what I was doing and I never felt like it really was never going to come to blows. There were enough people between me and him; but if he came at me I was ready for it. (chuckles) Five vodka tonics – who knows how long it would have lasted. It was just weird. A weird day, a very weird day. Anger and anxiety, you know? [00:13:47]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess so.

CLIENT: Kind of getting pissed at other cars; not super pissed. And I'm recognizing it and I'm like, "It's okay. Just relax."

THERAPIST: Did you feel pretty righteously angry at this guy?

CLIENT: Yeah. I've been to so many concerts in my life I'm sick and tired of people who do that, especially when you're a tall person like that. I mean there's some concert where that kind of stuff, if it's a heavy-metal concert or a rock show where people are packed in like sardines and moving around and there's a mosh pit; but this is Big Head Todd. Everybody just kind of hanging out...

THERAPIST: [...] (inaudible at 00:14:44)

CLIENT: Yeah. And he stood in front of me, which I didn't appreciate.

THERAPIST: Yeah. Do you think you had felt kind of bullied all day? By the IRS, by the CPA?

CLIENT: One of the things is that Jess called that school and we have to have our taxes done by the end of the month, so I've got to get everything into the CPA and say, "Oh, by the way, we need this done in two weeks." She's overwhelmed with people's taxes. I don't know that I felt bullied; just sick of the IRS. I'm sick of taxes.

THERAPIST: Feel like you're pushed around or just sick of it? [00:15:37]

CLIENT: Just sick of it. It's very anxiety-inducing. It's one of these things that you dread doing, but it's really not a lot of work. I print out a report from Quickbooks, I get all my 1099's and whatever together, and I just send them over. The only thing I've got to do is put together my mileage, but it's only for August, September – only five months. Then I go back in my Outlook through my appointments and get the mileage in Google, make a log, look at my titles – where did I go to different registries? Fudge it. I didn't do it last year and I didn't do it for the partnership. I think one thing I just feel like there's no way they're going to give us financial aid because of the amount of rental income we had last year. It's kind of going away because we're going to be short-saling the properties, but I don't know how much they're going to buy that. Jess really wants him to go there. [00:17:03]

THERAPIST: What's the tuition like?

CLIENT: It's like $19,000 which the other is like $30,000, so I was kind of shocked when she said it was only $19,000.

THERAPIST: What a bargain.

CLIENT: Yeah. We don't have that money and they only give up to 50% 10%, 20%, 30% or 50%. Any amount would help. It kind of bothers me because the woman calls and I left a voice mail. I gave her name and number to Jess and Jess emailed me back, "What does she want?" I'm like, "Divorce." Then she emails me back again and she's like, "I don't take contested cases anymore." I'm just like you can't complain about not having any money when you're turning away cases. Yeah, it's nice you don't want to do it. It's annoying. It sucks, but I take shit I don't want all the time. It's like I don't know how to bring that up. If we were married I could easily bring it up and say, "Listen..." and she's always done that. She's always done the work she wants to do. She wanted to go work for the Public Defender for $40,000 a year or whatever it was. [00:18:33]

THERAPIST: Okay, so maybe – I'm sort of interested in how this is working between the anger and the anxiety.

CLIENT: Well, the thing to me is it was just one day. I can't remember the last time I was so anxious I needed to go home and take a Klonopin. It's been frustrating driving the last couple of days, but because I had to get places – I had to get up to E&G, I had to get Ian, why are you driving so fucking slow?

THERAPIST: Right. You were just much more worked up, both anxious and angry, I gather. With taxes and the money, again, I imagine the anxiety has to do with feeling like a fuck-up. You could say, "Well, it's because I'm not sure I'm going to have the money," or "I don't have the money to pay for the school," but I think it's not the dollars and cents exactly that you have feelings about. I think it's feeling like a fuck-up if you don't and that you're kind of worried something is going to happen to make you feel that way. [00:20:22]

CLIENT: If you say so.

THERAPIST: I don't know, do you think not? Maybe not.

CLIENT: I wasn't thinking along the fuck-up. It's more just like (sighs) I've got to deal with this, I've got to deal with this, you know?

THERAPIST: With any problem what you tend to do – I think is how it probably works is that the anger is like the first layer of it. You're pissed at Jess because she wants all this stuff and then also doesn't... [00:21:11]

CLIENT: But that was a fleeting thing. It's not like I was angry. I just accepted it. I'm sort of used to it.

THERAPIST: I mean just now. Like you're kind of starting to rant a little bit on that and, I'm not saying you don't have a right to, I'm just saying it kind of shifts the spotlight away from you not having the money. You go to like, "It's fucking Jess's fault. She's the one who wants the school and she doesn't want to fucking take this case." And, again, you may be justified. I'm not saying it's not true, I'm just think that it's serving the purpose of shifting away from this worry that you're going to feel like an asshole because this is the best thing for your kid and you don't have the money and you haven't been able to work – or whatever it is. [00:22:03] I don't feel like I have a good grasp on the whole story, but this seems like part of it. Somehow the anxiety and the anger go together. In some ways you feel like a fuck-up or – and in starting things last night you were much more confident. You were more confident than usual, I think. [00:22:38]

CLIENT: I had liquid courage.

THERAPIST: Yeah, but that's not the first time you've had liquid courage, from what I understand – maybe not even the second time.

CLIENT: Can I tell you how great Adderall is for a hang-over? I woke up and I was like, "Aww." Pop one of those and you're ready to go. I'm not going to tell Donna that.

THERAPIST: (chuckles) I feel privileged. So what do you think of what I'm saying? [00:23:31]

CLIENT: (sighs) I don't know. To me it seemed like an anomaly more than anything. I felt like I've just been feeling so much better lately. I talked to Ray yesterday.

THERAPIST: Oh. From down South or something?

CLIENT: Yeah. I still have frustrations and things aren't perfect, but things are so much better than they had been that even when I do have down moments... There were plenty of times yesterday where I was like, "Hey, it's Valentine's Day." [00:24:22]

THERAPIST: Oh. Meaning what?

CLIENT: That I'm alone on Valentine's Day going to a concert by myself.

THERAPIST: And you were feeling bad about that?

CLIENT: Yeah. Especially when I was going home.

THERAPIST: Really?

CLIENT: And it's funny because I feel like my only solution is this stupid online dating thing that I'm just so unwilling to engage in. Maybe one day I will but... My brother met someone, but you hear about so many people who are sick of going out with people over and over and over again. (pause) [00:25:48] Weeks ago I had some friends ask me about – they want to buy a condo in. I emailed Claire and I never heard back from them. I finally heard back from them. She said she had the flu again and then the storm – just a bunch of excuses, whatever. I can't remember all that was in the email, but she asked about the short-sale and I replied back and said how much better I was doing. At the very end of it I said, "It's been a while since I've done a closing in that area. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge." So she replied back and she said [...] (inaudible at 00:26:49) and she said, "I know you're going through a rough patch, but you're still my favorite attorney." She was saying that a lot of her clients wanted to use their own lenders and attorneys, which may or may not be true. Maybe there will be some business there this summer. I don't know. I told her that Jess's just been so busy with holidays and sickness and blizzards that she just hasn't gotten around to getting the short-sales back on track. I think she even called Jess. (pause) [00:28:40] I spoke to the bank and I told them I was going to apply for a modification, just to hold them off until Jess can do a short-sale. All this fucking shit, you know? Paperwork. It's annoying.

THERAPIST: Do you think you get worried because – not that any of it is actually difficult to do, but it can be so annoying and demoralizing that sometimes you don't do it because of that; and then you get worried you're not going to do it?

CLIENT: I don't know. To me it's like nothing's going to come of it. It's going to be denied. I'm tired of doing things that just – it's like this financial aid crap. Jess's pushing and she's pushing and she's pushing and I'm just like – you know, we're not going to get fucking financial aid, you know? Maybe we will. Maybe, but I'm not very hopeful. I haven't been taking my Prilosec because I ran out. I've got a little bit of heartburn issue this morning. I can't understand why. [00:30:32]

THERAPIST: Probably just random.

CLIENT: Yeah. My friend, Jackie, is in town. She used to live in the apartment before I did. She used to play on the team. Everybody is going to the Pub. It's like I've got to go drinking again; but they have beer so it's like I can nurse a couple of beers where it's like, if I went up to the bar and got two vodka tonics, and then just be like (shew, shew) go get two more. I didn't want to have to go in the middle of the show, so I loaded up front. I was worried how the medication and the alcohol would... and it really didn't seem to be... maybe I was a little drunker than I would be on four or five vodka tonics because I'm not drinking a lot. [00:31:48]

THERAPIST: Yeah, you seem to be drinking a little less; or at least you're talking about it a little less recently than in the fall.

CLIENT: Well I don't go home and have a beer. There is no whiskey in my house. Every time I think about buying whiskey, I'm like, "I just can't afford it." That kind of trumps it. I'm sure once the team kicks back into gear I'll be drinking more beer, but I only have two beers so it's not like... But I was having two beers and then going home and having a shot of whiskey or another beer. I have beers that have been in my fridge for weeks. I've become more of a social drinker. [00:32:48]

THERAPIST: That's good.

CLIENT: Like last Friday, I had some teacher friends who decided to have a game night because they didn't have school the next day.

THERAPIST: I think you mentioned it.

CLIENT: I would have been fine if Brian hadn't made some White Russians. It's Brian's fault,

THERAPIST: Naturally. [00:33:11]

CLIENT: I think the thing that bothered me most about yesterday is that I feel like it was a setback to some degree, and that kind of bothers me. I know there are going to be setbacks, but I take a more different view of focusing on what's going wrong instead of what's going right. I went through a peak and I'm like, "The Suburbs. That's a great idea." I called Patricia up. Our CPA and financial advisor work up North. I'm like, "God, I don't want to lose these two. Them driving all the way to the county – is it really going to be worth it to them?" I mean, it's ten minutes extra for them. You just hop on 495. [00:34:11]

THERAPIST: It's really not that much.

CLIENT: The place I recommended we have the meetings, Patricia knows the person who runs it. It's right by the highway, it's in a great spot, we've done the meeting there before. It's an assisted-living facility with a nice community room. I was very positive; but then I finally decided to go back. My landlord sent me his accounting of rent and I found one month he didn't account for but, still, I have all these closings come in and I'm just months behind on student loans, rent, IRS money. Now I've got the car loan. I've got a couple of more closings coming up this month and I've got a couple of new orders. I don't know what's going on with all those titles that they owe me money on. He was like, "I'll give it to my bookkeeper on Monday," and I haven't heard anything. [00:35:36] I don't want to be pushy about it. My tenant hasn't sent me money in months. I emailed him last week and I've heard nothing. He's like three months behind. I felt bad before, but now I'm no longer four months behind. I'm only two months behind. If he would pay me, I wouldn't be so far behind. Fucking camp is coming up. I'm sure we'll have some money with our taxes. We made our estimated payments, but we made more money; not much more. I am meeting someone tomorrow for an estate plan. I even said how much it would cost, just so I don't waste my time. A woman that Jess just kind of met from the playground or whatever and her son is in Ian's Tiger Cub Scout. There is a big list that goes out to everyone and, if I just hit reply on the list, it doesn't put my signature up there; but I intentionally copied it and put it in there, and it worked, because she was like, "I saw that you're an attorney." [00:37:23]

I'm worried about when rates tick up. (pause) I asked a couple of people about the notes I sent to Dr. Grace and they didn't think there was anything inappropriate.

THERAPIST: You never heard from her?

CLIENT: No, which bothers me. In the email I sent to Claire I said, "Don't worry. I'm used to women not emailing me back." (pause) I was reprimanded by the bartender because I whistled at him. He was like, "Don't whistle at me." I was like, "I'm not going to tip you." I didn't say that, but I thought it. Why do bartenders think they're such a special breed of people? Most service people, like a waitress or waiter, really go out of their way to make you happy. If you're a guy, male bartenders just blow you off, unless you're in an Irish pub. That's different. When you go to these – I was at the concert hall. All they care about is getting people their drinks and getting their tips, you know? The guy was ignoring me. I went (whistles). It was rude, I guess. (pause) [00:40:36] I have one of these days today where there's really no structure to it. I'm probably going to work on some titles. One thing that sucks about the Adderall is that I can't take naps. I figure I should take it, so I did my titles. Go to the registry and check out the probate. I did all that. I've got four titles, so I'll just get all the probates out of the way. First I was like, "I've got this title that's due Sunday." The computer puts the date in there. They put on that the owner was Wells Fargo. They may have foreclosed, but they haven't recorded the closure deed yet. That means I've got to go check the probate of the current owner because I have nothing to tell me that Wells Fargo owns it until they record that deed. So I have to go there. Parking sucks there. You have to pay in quarters.

THERAPIST: Why don't we stop for now.

CLIENT: Hopefully I won't get in a fight tonight.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Maybe I'll meet the love of my life.

THERAPIST: That would be good.

CLIENT: Listening to some music? My headphones suck. Do yours get loud? I think mine are just wearing out because they just get loud – or maybe my hearing is going. I need some earbuds. Have a good weekend.

THERAPIST: You, too. Take care.

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