TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: What do you make of it? I guess it's clear.
CLIENT: It's done. Today is Lucille's birthday.
THERAPIST: Do you have a picture?
CLIENT: I do. I have to wait until this thing goes through. Ian and I are playing this football game. Jess took this this morning. You can't tell...
THERAPIST: What's she doing for the big day?
CLIENT: Day care. (sniggers) I think that's a bagel. (both chuckle) [00:00:56]
THERAPIST: I haven't seen a picture of them in a long time. They're some cute kids. Look at that. I like the dino pajamas. Very nice. They're really cute. I haven't seen a picture in a long time.
CLIENT: That's Ian's birthday present.
THERAPIST: Cute.
CLIENT: Total punk.
THERAPIST: He looks like a bad ass. He looks a lot like his dad.
CLIENT: (chuckles) They taught him how to hold the board when you're walking with it at the skate shop. You don't hold it by the wheels downward. That's called a mall grab and they make fun of you.
(both laugh)
THERAPIST: He's got the hat. All decked out. He's got all the accessories. [00:01:58]
CLIENT: I've got all these crazy things I've got to do, but I'd like to go buy her a present and stop by tonight. I went there last night and she had just waked up and was crying. (sighs) I've got this thing with pain in my ears and my jaw was hurting. I don't know if I'm grinding my teeth at night, but then I chew gum all day and my jaw was just killing me. She was crying and I was like, "I've just got to get out of here." I went home and started putting my tax stuff together. Micah is giving me the option to take half an Adderall between noon and 2:00 because I start yawning around 3:00 or 4:00. It's was very helpful yesterday because I was able once I got home from... [00:02:56]
THERAPIST: Oh – to take the half?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: She doesn't have you on the extended release?
CLIENT: I guess not. It's kind of weird, though. I was at CVS and I thought I'd take my blood pressure. It was like 156 over 112, so apparently I'm dead.
THERAPIST: (chuckles) I'm sorry to hear that. You look pretty good for a guy that's dead.
CLIENT: It kind of had me nervous because I was kind of edgy. I know it was way off, but still I'm borderline at 140. My bottom line is not that bad. I just don't want to go back on high blood pressure medication.
THERAPIST: Does that relate to the stimulant?
CLIENT: I went down and up and they took me off the blood pressure medication; and now it seems to be a little bit back up. I was in the 130's and I was just to my doctor's office a couple of weeks ago or a week or so to get my B12 shot and had them take it, and it was 140's. I guess you've got to do these things over time. One reading doesn't mean anything. But if I can't rely on – go to CVS or Walgreens but the machine doesn't work... [00:04:15]
I've been seeing the kids a lot but they seem to be getting a little... The whole situation... Jess is just freaking out with Ian. She can't handle it. She's crying. And it's driving me nuts. And all Ian wants to do is be a part of everything. Jess convinced Lucille to let me change her diaper and Ian was like, "Can I help change?" And she was like, "No." I thought I had said no, too. As soon as I get her on the bed I'm pulling up her onesie and he goes to undo it and I slapped his hand. He started crying and I'm like, "Just get out of here." It's that kind of stuff where you tell him not to do it and he – you know. There's serious jealousy going on because when I have him over at my place or in the car or whatever... [00:05:21]
THERAPIST: I see. He's really different.
CLIENT: He's bouncing on the couch and she's getting upset about that. This is the typical thing.
THERAPIST: He's turning seven?
CLIENT: He just turned seven, yeah.
THERAPIST: She's two. Okay.
CLIENT: Once again, I was maligned for years in our marriage for acting a certain way and she's yelling at him. She's constantly on me about the TV's and the screens and that. It's what we do together. We play games on the iPhone and watch Two and A Half Men and America's Funniest Home Videos. I'm trying to get him to switch over to The Big Bang Theory, but he won't do it. [00:06:17] (sighs) Lately it's been kind of getting on my nerves and I don't know if it's because of the Adderall, like the time I go over there I'm coming down off of it, or this thing I've got going with my job or my ear or – I don't know. [00:06:37] It's more of just the three of them going at it that kind of gets to me. Like yesterday, I was just like, "I'm here. Lucille doesn't want anything to do with me and I'm going to leave; but Ian doesn't want me to leave." I wanted to go do taxes. I wanted to work on some title stuff that I didn't do. I kind of got a little tired. I even fell asleep during Criminal Minds; that's how tired I was. It was a good episode, too. Now I'm pissed that I missed the end of it. I'll just have to go and Wikipedia it and see how it ends. I finally heard back from Dr. Grace. She said, "Awww." She's throwing a party or a thing for E&G this Friday. I originally didn't want to go. It's in the suburbs, you know, but...
THERAPIST: What I recall is you originally didn't want to go because you hadn't heard from her.
CLIENT: Yeah. But it gave me a good excuse so I said I'd go.
THERAPIST: What's the real reason you don't want to go?
CLIENT: Because it's far out.
THERAPIST: That seems like a haul ass.
CLIENT: Yeah. Just coming home from there after a couple of drinks – I can't get shit-faced is basically the problem.
THERAPIST: At the risk of sounding naïve...
CLIENT: Oh, you're plenty naïve.
THERAPIST: (laughs) Is that how I sound? Why would it be important to get shit-faced? Is it because you'd be anxious or because it would be more fun?
CLIENT: Because there's alcohol there, yes.
THERAPIST: Thank you for clarifying.
CLIENT: Yeah, it would be more fun. Not shit-faced, but you're there for a period of time and... [00:08:46]
THERAPIST: You're telling me is that between the stuff at home and this party, it's other people that are basically driving you crazy.
CLIENT: The world is out to get me. Yeah, I'm having trouble relating to other people.
THERAPIST: I don't know if you have trouble relating to them, they just drive you nuts.
CLIENT: Yeah, it's like I did this title and this woman had a special-needs trust on record; but there was a foreclosure and there was no need for me to run her in probate, so they asked me to run her in probate. I ran her and there were two general cases – they were worried there was a guardianship – and there wasn't. There were two equity cases and, basically, there were these two trusts and the trustee died and they were fighting over who the trustee was going to be. [00:09:43] I went down and got the petitions. I had to go there to go down just to get the petitions. I'm not charging them any extra for doing this. I just got an email today, "Did you happen to get a copy of the docket? The title company wants to see the docket. I'm just like, "Fuck." Now I've got to go back down and get a copy of the fucking docket; that kind of shit. It's not something I normally get or am supposed to get – a copy of the docket. (pause) Ian and I are playing this football game. You have coins and bucks and with these things you can buy long contracts and skills and they give you an app card and stuff like that. And one of the ways that you can get these bucks is by downloading apps and opening them. I download them; I open them; I download them; I open them. I didn't delete them. One of them was eHarmony (chuckles) and I think you had to go through the signing-up process, so I did the signing-up process. They want you to upload a picture, so I upload a picture of my ceramic toad. I just threw in there, "I like handball. I like live music. I like dogs," just real basic crap. First of all, I was rejected because I put I was separated. [00:11:37]
THERAPIST: They didn't like that?
CLIENT: No gays and no married people.
THERAPIST: No gays?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: What the fuck.
CLIENT: Yeah. That was kind of my resistance at first, but I'm like, "I'm going to get all these bucks." The people contact you and they let you do little things like answer questions and stuff; and I actually kind of liked how they did it. The only problem is that to actually talk to these women and send them messages you need to sign up, which is a minimum of three months. I went to Match.com. I kept getting ads on Facebook. It's just like to go through all these women, picture after picture after picture, is just like... That made me like eHarmony even more, but then I'm thinking, "If I spend money on eHarmony, I've lied," and all these women say the same thing – they're looking for someone who is honest and is ethical. All these women are positive and outgoing. They all write the same shit. [00:12:59] You know, if you guys are so positive and outgoing and can make friends everywhere, why are you on a fucking online dating site? Go to a bar. One of the questions that I asked this woman was, "If I invited to a party and you don't know everybody, what would you do?" Her answer was she'd head out on her own and make new friends. What do you fucking need me for? (chuckles) I find all these profiles to be just – I don't know. There was this one woman who was an accountant. In the non-smoking section of town. [00:13:51]
THERAPIST: Oh, really? (laughs) What does that mean?
CLIENT: It's the hoity-toity... You can see the woman's pictures and they're all waist up. There was one that may have had a slightly large behind or whatever. She sent me a message because she's like some premium member so she can send me a message. But for me to read it I've got to pay money, so I'm very frustrated at that. But then, again, I've got to tell these people that I'm married and I'm subverting the system. They're going to turn me in and they'll cancel my membership. Whatever. I went onto the match thing and it wants you fill out a profile about yourself; and I just can't do it. [00:14:52] It's like, "What's unique about you and what are you looking for in your ideal match?" First of all I'm recognizing that I'm having a serious confidence issue.
THERAPIST: [...] (inaudible at 00:15:11)
CLIENT: I just want to put "old, bald, fat guy," you know? I'm positive, I'm outgoing, I'm social (laughs), if you brought me to a party I'd fucking sit in the corner and drink. I'm looking for things to say about myself and I'm really struggling. I attempted this several times. So I can't get past the...
THERAPIST: Well, what could you say? [00:15:52]
CLIENT: What would my ideal match be? If I knew who my ideal match was, what I really need in an online dating service, I'd just go find my...
THERAPIST: It sounds almost as though you might be making excuses to not have to do that.
CLIENT: Yeah, lack of confidence. But, seriously, I don't have an ideal. If I think about it, I like different types of women. I'm kind of looking for someone who would show me new experiences and something like that, so I guess maybe that's what my ideal match would be someone who's not my wife.
THERAPIST: (laughs) Someone positive and outgoing...
CLIENT: They have you put a headline...
THERAPIST: Like you do on a resume?
CLIENT: Yeah. I didn't know what to put, so I put, "So this guy walks into a bar dot, dot, dot. The next guy ducks." Think about it. (chuckles) I don't know. I can't get to... [00:17:06]
THERAPIST: This is what you do when your confidence is shaky. You sort of deal with it in a class-clown thing, right? I've said that like 500 times.
CLIENT: Are you berating me?
THERAPIST: No.
CLIENT: Patting yourself on the back? Running a victory lap?
THERAPIST: No. I just (pause) I guess I feel like the tone of some of what you're saying is, "Ethan, do you believe this? I guess I have a kind of confidence issue when it comes to dating." [00:18:15]
CLIENT: That's not what I mean. But I mean that's my struggle.
THERAPIST: Yes, I know. And we're talking lightly about it, but I know it's a serious thing.
CLIENT: It's like every time I bring myself to try and move forward with one of these things, I'm not going to pay money if I can't even get past the initial profile thing. That's the kind of thing I like about eHarmony, despite their prejudices, the platform is pretty good. They've got set questions with set answers. You don't see the answers, you just ask the question.
THERAPIST: I've heard from some people that it was pretty helpful, that there's a sort of progressive stage to find out things about someone before you actually start to chat with them. It's much less of a free-for-all. [00:19:10]
CLIENT: Yeah. But this one woman did send me a message. She's a CPA. There's nothing wrong with this woman's life. She's super positive, super friendly, super social, super this, super that. I'm thinking to myself, "Well, if you‘ve got all of these friends and you're so wonderful... You've got so many friends and you're so social and positive and outgoing... " I mean, I know why I would be using an online dating service – because I'm a low self-esteem schlub.
THERAPIST: Cameron, a ton of people are using online dating services.
CLIENT: Oh, I know. It's something funny. Facebook sends out these ad sponsors on your timeline, so I go and I check out the comments that people read and a lot of people are just like, "Stop spamming me;" but there are all these people complaining how shitty it is and they were on it for a year and different complaints how it sucks. [00:20:25]
THERAPIST: How what sucks?
CLIENT: Match.com. These are just people's comments. There was this one woman who was like, "You notice how all the people who are complaining are men?" I just wanted to say to her, "Did you notice that this was an ad directed at men?" I kind of, I won't say get excited, but I get...
THERAPIST: Sure. It would be nice to date somebody.
CLIENT: I didn't use my real name. It was a nickname at my college so, technically, it's not lying. It's "Asshole." [00:21:20]
THERAPIST: You feel like nobody is going to want to date you.
CLIENT: Why would they?
THERAPIST: Why would they?
CLIENT: They're desperate. They're mentally challenged. They're desperate. They're really old.
THERAPIST: You have more [luster] (ph?) than that. You do.
(pause)
CLIENT: I determined that I'm not ready for the online dating world.
THERAPIST: Why not? [00:22:24]
CLIENT: I don't know. I don't like Match.com. I really don't. They just throw all these pictures at you. A lot of the women act very slutty; very slutty pictures, so it's kind of hard to ferret out who's serious.
THERAPIST: Are all the sites the same? There are a ton of other sites.
CLIENT: Yeah, there was that other site I signed up for that was sending me fat women. Once again, I got big bucks for signing up. I haven't tried J-Date yet. I just don't want to commit the money to it.
THERAPIST: How much money is it?
CLIENT: I don't know. Depending on how long you sign up for, it could be as cheap as $9 a month; but you sign up for a year and pay for it all in advance, so it's not $9 a month it's $100 and whatever. I've got $40 in my bank account, I'm running out of gas, I've got to go up to the office today, and I've got other concerns besides finding someone to spend more money on. (pause) Old, fat, balding broke guy with a sense of humor. [00:24:15]
THERAPIST: You know, maybe this is backwards. Maybe you're bringing this up now, not because you feel so crummy about yourself, but you're actually more enthused and more like...
CLIENT: Yeah, there is a part of me that wants to do it. I go back and forth. Like the eHarmony thing, I'm like, "I'm just going to stop doing this. I'm just dragging these women along," then I keep doing it and I finally just decided to stop doing it. I'm never going to speak to these women.
THERAPIST: You think it's that you're old, fat, balding and broke? [00:25:16]
CLIENT: (pause) I did do some slight cleaning yesterday in my apartment.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: It's like – small – basement. (sighs) I don't know. (pause) [00:26:14]
THERAPIST: You have some things going for you. Do you really not see that?
CLIENT: (pause) (chuckles) Like what?
THERAPIST: Really? You don't see anything appealing about yourself?
CLIENT: I'm funny.
THERAPIST: Yes.
CLIENT: You know, my landlord went on a vacation for the week and they sent a note that these two women were watching the dogs, if you could help out with the shoveling. I sent a joke back, "Well, Rachael will do all the shoveling." That's the old lady upstairs. She didn't think it was a joke. She thought I was serious. (chuckles)
THERAPIST: What, Rachael upstairs didn't take it as a joke?
CLIENT: I saw her today and then, the other day I kind of heard the dogs whining and was like,"The dog is locked in the – " I don't know. Anyway, the dog winds up shitting all over the stairs, and I thought for sure I had to get out, leave, so I didn't stop to clean it up on the way out but, when I came back, I cleaned it up. I thought for sure Rachael had seen the poop. She had to have seen the poop; I left it like that all day. I sent her an email, "Was that you who pooped on the stairs? If so, you need to cut back on your kibble." I saw her today and she thought someone had hijacked my email. She didn't understand; she never saw the poop. She asked me what kibble was. She's blonde or was blonde. (chuckles) From now on, if you get an email from me, it might be sarcastic or joking. [00:28:10] I don't know where I was going with that but...
THERAPIST: You're funny.
CLIENT: Yeah. Part of my humor is self-defecating.
THERAPIST: (chuckles) That's a very funny way to put it.
CLIENT: It's like there would be a moment when you'd say, "I'm psychic," and I'd always say, "I'm psychotic." It turns out I was on anti-psychotics, so I had to have been psychotic. I'm not on it any more, though.
THERAPIST: You were never a psychotic.
CLIENT: Yeah, I watch enough Criminal Minds to know that I'm not psychotic. Yet. I wasn't abused as a child or any of the – I don't fit any of the profiles.
THERAPIST: Yeah, most likely if it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. [I know that the self-confidence thing always seems to come up around online dating, but it's a big issue for you in any case in something that can help you in lots of ways to feel better about yourself.] (ph?)
CLIENT: I've been feeling, especially in the mornings, a lot more positive and I'm sure the Adderall has a lot to do with it. You know – just energetic, which in some ways has me worried. Am I going to be on Adderall the rest of my life? Is this stuff slowly killing me? I've got one kidney and I'm taking all of these drugs. Someone posted a picture on Facebook that had ADHD but it had it like ACDC – you know – with the little lightning in the middle. And then it said, "Highway to – oh, look. A squirrel." (both laugh) [00:31:10] People go, "When you least expect it, it will happen." Blah, blah, blah. I'm kind of impatient for that. (pause) It's like, "What movies have you gone to – none. What books have you read – none. What TV show did you watch – Criminal Minds." I put that in my profile. One-hundred-and-seventy-something episodes. Once I've seen them all, then I've got to find something else. (sighs) I'm worried that this whole jaw/ear thing is a side-effect of the medication, like the Adderall is making me grind my teeth at night, something like that. [00:32:24]
THERAPIST: It doesn't sound plausible to me. It's probably out of your system by then, actually. I wouldn't think that. Maybe some of it is that you feel frustrated because you feel so inhibited, like with dating. I would imagine a lot of this is about protecting yourself from getting hurt sooner or later.
CLIENT: Yeah, and maybe I'm making an excuse here, but I feel like my life is – I don't want to use the word overwhelming – but I've always got something going on and that would be one more thing in my life that I would have to attend to. [00:33:53]
THERAPIST: Well it would be, but I think you are making an excuse.
CLIENT: You should back me up. I'm glad we can agree on something.
THERAPIST: Look, it's a very scary endeavor. You'd be really putting yourself in the line and somebody could really hurt you, and that could be pretty awful. It could make you feel worse about yourself, it could make you more depressed, you could get anxious.
CLIENT: Start drinking.
THERAPIST: Or drinking.
CLIENT: Start picking up prostitutes on the highway; torturing them.
THERAPIST: I think that's a little less likely. It's very scary business, I think, and I think you kind of talk yourself out of giving it a shot. But I think you're also pretty frustrated that you won't let yourself try it, maybe just because you're not with somebody. How did things start with Jess? [00:35:20]
CLIENT: We sat next to each other at work. We were clerking in superior court. I was a back-up clerk for one of her – whatever. She had a judge who was making her do a lot of work and I wasn't doing a lot of work, so I was just gabbing the whole time. I'm not even sure how I ended up going over – I went over to her house to smoke pot or do something like that or buy pot – I don't even remember. We just started hanging out. We went to see Duran Duran. Her best friend is a huge Duran Duran freak, so we went to see Duran Duran; and then we had to chase them back to the motel. She wanted to try and beat them. [00:36:31]
THERAPIST: The friend?
CLIENT: The friend, yeah. (pause) [00:37:24] I'm going to need a coach. I need to get a ghost writer.
THERAPIST: Okay, Cameron, put this in your profile. When this happens, here's how you answer this question. Like that?
CLIENT: Cyrano Bergerac, basically. (both chuckle)
THERAPIST: That was funny. You definitely were being funny.
CLIENT: Someone to help me write it because my instinct is to...
THERAPIST: So find somebody to help you write it. People do that all the time. Most people probably do that, or a lot of people. That's fine. [00:38:08]
CLIENT: Parents write their kids' essays for college applications.
THERAPIST: That's different.
CLIENT: Why?
THERAPIST: Because the kid is supposed to write it. Nothing says you have to write your own profile, you're just supposed to have one.
CLIENT: I feel a bit frustrated because now I know what a good platform is, eHarmony. It's so far superior to Match. Match is just a fucking free-for-all.
THERAPIST: I see. No, I get it. There are also ones like J-Date or OK Cupid? Are they better than Kayak?
CLIENT: I haven't been to those yet. Someone just told me about OK Cupid, and I haven't done that.
THERAPIST: So you can't go on eHarmony if you're separated; you've got to be divorced. [00:39:08]
CLIENT: (pause) I think that's weird. I think the guy who runs it is a strict, Christian sort so why he would let divorced people on there, I don't know; but it felt like, "Oh, by the way. I lied to get on this site. Sorry you're looking for someone honest and ethical." On eHarmony you can't see their pictures unless – like that one woman was a premium member and that's why I could see her pictures. Most of them you can't see their pictures, which I don't know that the pictures help because people look different in pictures. From one picture to the next they look different, at least to me. Like on Match they've got all the pictures and you go through and you look and you're like, "Is this the same person?" [00:40:25]
THERAPIST: Yeah. I agree.
CLIENT: (pause) I don't know what the emotion is around all of this, whether it's creating anxiety or – I don't know what it's doing to me, but it's not positive.
THERAPIST: I'm sure it's making you anxious. I think it's also making you somewhat excited, but I'm sure it's making you anxious. It's a big risk.
CLIENT: That I'm not willing to take.
THERAPIST: As long as that's clear. You will be at some point, probably sooner rather than later.
CLIENT: Yeah?
THERAPIST: It's always been hard for you. [00:41:46]
CLIENT: I think of the few times in my life that women have thrown themselves at me – very rare – but when it has, they've all been morbidly obese. Why is that? They've got nothing to lose, is that what they figure?
THERAPIST: I don't know.
CLIENT: I haven't even had a homely girl throw herself at me. I don't think it's happened very... I can think two fat women who have thrown themselves. (pause) I've got to get Lucille a present today. I wasn't even planning on going over there, but I totally forgot today was a birthday until I saw Jess's post this morning. I've got to go over there tonight. I can't find my 1099HC. We need to have our taxes done by the end of the month for the school. (sighs) Well, we've got to stop. Maybe I'll try J-Date.
END TRANSCRIPT
