TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So, the last 72 hours have been just a crazy, emotional rollercoaster.

THERAPIST: Oh, my goodness.

CLIENT: I want to start from the beginning. I told you about this woman who was the only woman who replied to me who's an accounting student, right? And, I think on Thursday, you know, she asked me about the CFO exam and why I became an accountant, and, you know, I wrote this really long thing or whatever and then I realized I kind of didn't ask anything about her. So, I sent a second thing, you know, kind of working in some of her music interests or whatever. And, you know, I didn't hear anything, so, as usual, so, whatever. And, all of a sudden on Sunday, I get a message from her. Thanking me for the advice and saying that she's really bad with on line communication as, you know, I could tell. Do you want to get together for drinks? So, whoopee, yeah, alright. Something may be going right in my life. You know. [00:01:35]

But, I can't even remember the last date I was on. Jess and I never really went on a formal date, you know, or anything like that and maybe I went on one in school. I don't know. But, we're talking 15 to 20 years. So, I text my friend Paige, who calls me right back. I'm like what the fuck do I do? You know. You know, she's saying, oh, you know, it's just for drinks or whatever. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, I had, I had proposed Wednesday, Friday or Saturday and she said well, I'm going to Connecticut on Wednesday. You know. Where do you meet and I said Andover Common and she picked the time. [00:02:30]

And, so, somehow came up with Paige, that, you know, what should I wear. You know? And, she's like, you know, wear jeans, you know, a v neck sweater. You know. And I'm like, well, looking at my jeans that, you know, I pretty much wear every day. I can't find my v neck sweater and even if I did, I really don't like the way it fits me and these are my nicest pair of shoes. So, she's like okay. I'm going to go on the Internet, find some pictures of what, you know, because she's trying to describe to me and I'm like I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: She's like I'm going to send you some pictures.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Go to the store. Grab one of the girls and have them pick everything out for you. I'm like okay. So, Monday, I go to the store and I explain to them the same thing I just told you. It has been 15, 20 years whatever. You know, they started asking me questions and it becomes apparent that I have no idea what I'm talking about. I showed them the picture of the jeans and, so, they pick out a pair of jeans. They pick out a sweater. The t-shirt for underneath. A belt. You know, try on a couple different sizes, you know. Boom, you know, it was like a hundred and fifty something dollars, but I opened up a credit card. I qualified for a credit card and it only came out to a hundred and twenty dollars. Well, I'm like I need, I need these things. Plus, it's stuff I can wear to work, you know, and I can't look like a schlep, right? [00:04:30]

So, then I showed them the picture of the shoes and was like where should I go for the shoes? They're like, oh, just go next door or whatever. The place is just a couple doors down. So, I go there and, you know, they've got like a pair of, you know, like $70 black, whatever, you know. Alright. This is what the kids are wearing these days. You know. I'll get that and I also got socks as well. So, I'm already in to this thing for like two hundred bucks. You know. And, I don't know, I, I had trouble sleeping Sunday night and I had trouble sleeping Monday night and I don't know if it was out of excitement or just nervousness, anxiety. You know, I really got pretty anxious. You know. My stomach was turning all day Sunday. But, you know, you know, it's like kind of going through my mind. You know, what are we going to talk about? You know. Blah, blah. You know. And, so, I'm kind of going, you know, back and forth, you know, this is a good idea. This is going to end in tragedy. This is a good idea. This is going to end in tragedy. You know. I know it's shocking to you that I would think that something might not go right. [00:05:45]

THERAPIST: Shocking I say. Shocking.

CLIENT: Yeah. So, yesterday, I had jury duty in Groton district or court for about an hour. I actually spent more time in the car than I did in the court. I didn't even get on the jury. I was home by, you know, 11:30 to 12:00.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: You know, I needed to do laundry. I was going to do it today. Might as well just get it out of the way. So, I put all my laundry together and pull up to the laundry mat and boom I have a message from this woman who I (inaudible) and I go oh. I said hopefully this is just that she needs to reschedule or something. Do you want me to read you what she wrote?

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: Okay. Because it doesn't just end with, you know, this. Hi Cameron. I hate to do this. You always love when it starts out with I hate to do this. But, I need to cancel our date tomorrow night. Even though I'm truly looking forward to meeting you, I'm totally under water right now. Parenthetically she jokes. And, I don't mean that in the real estate sense. I'll touch base when I resurface and see if you are still interested. Good luck out there. R.

So, I'm like oh, you know, once again I'm just like I can barely get out of my car to even think about doing laundry. I'm just oh, this totally sucks. I'm like, you know, I can't even get other women to reply to me. You know, not that I had any great, you know, not that I thought, you know, when she said, she said, when she invited me she's like and we'll see if we hit it off. I'm just like oh, we're not going to hit it off. Whatever. You know what I mean.

THERAPIST: Right. Right.

CLIENT: So I'm just like, you know, probably more devastated than, you know, a normal human should be, but I was, you know, pretty devastated. [00:08:00]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: So, I text, you know, Paige. You know, the date is off or whatever and she's like well, what did she say. So, I took a screen shot and I sent it to her and she's like, you know, it's just an excuse. So, now I've got this doubt in my mind if this is actually, if she really means that. I mean she's an accounting student. She could just be overwhelmed and, you know, maybe just not ready for dating or whatever at the moment. Now, Paige's planting seeds in my mind that there's some ulterior motive here and I'm just like what possibly, we're talking 48 hours. You know. What could, what, you know? She's like well, you know, maybe, you know, you were a backup plan or she, you know, got back together with a boyfriend or, you know, whatever. You know. [00:09:00]

So, literally like all, you know, day yesterday I'm just like, you know, I just, I couldn't do anything. I was just completely paralyzed and I actually did a title, but had a board meeting which saved me from going to get Chinese food. Otherwise I would have gotten Chinese food. And, I'm like what am I fucking going to do with all these clothes? You know. It's like. You know, there's another. I figure well, probably at some point, you know.

And, I get to the board meeting and there's this woman there who I know is single, and, you know, she's not very attractive and has been doing the online dating thing. So, I kind of briefly right before the meeting said, you know, what she told me without getting in to a lot of the details and she's like oh, that's just an excuse. I'm like oh, you know. And, this is one of the things that kind of always bothers me in life is that am I getting the real story? You know. Kind of when I look back, you know, at, you know, my relationship with Jess, it was clear that there were times where I wasn't getting the real story, especially towards the end. You know, as I was snooping through her e-mails and, you know, personal files and what not. [00:10:20]

And, I always kind of have this sense of, you know, people say one thing just to sort of let you down easy. But, I, you know, I always feel like I want to know the truth, even if it's not pleasant. You know, and so it always, I always I go through this what if. You know, just. You know, so, I'm, you know, I just, I don't know what to make of this. You know, I suppose I'm probably more excited than I should have been. So, of course it was more of a crushing blow than it should have been. And, I'm like, you know I don't even want to do this online dating thing anymore. You know. It's just like, I just, you know. So, you know, I, I got home and I decided to go on line to see who, people who have visited me. One of my matches shows up and I'm looking at this woman and I'm like oh, it's my friend, Madison, from the farm. [00:11:30]

THERAPIST: That you talk to?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: We were actually pretty highly, you know, correlated. So, I sent her an e-mail. You know, you look familiar. Do I know you? But, you know, I decided, you know, I, I spent $200. You know, I've got to do something, you know. So, I, you know, now we're talking it's like 2:00am in the morning. You know, I've been drinking a little bit of dry whiskey. And, I also wrote a really sort of, you know, I kind of explained to Paige that it was really a lot more than just this woman. You know, it's like I always seem to have these opportunities. Whether it's a new client. You know, I get all these, you know, at least once or twice a week someone contacts me from the website or whatever and, you know, but they never hire me. I just happened yesterday. I got an e-mail. Oh, I talked to. You know. They wanted to hire me.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: I talked to an accountant friend, you know. You know, whatever it is, it's just, you know, they just, something I get excited about and it just...

THERAPIST: All flirting and no dating.

CLIENT: Blows up.

THERAPIST: Yeah. [00:13:00]

CLIENT: You know. And, so, I was kind of realizing that that was really kind of what was going on. So, you know, I wrote Paige and I had probably said some things when I was drunk I shouldn't of. She hasn't responded to me. But, I go on and I send a message to a couple of women and there was this one woman who liked dogs. She says she has an unhealthy obsession with Guinness and she even threw in there that she has large boobs just to get attention, but she's not going to take pictures of them. And, I know, I wouldn't say she's a large woman, but she's, you know, has a few extra pounds and, you know, it's all proportional or whatever. You know. I'm like whatever. You know. Go have a few Guinness. Whatever. You know. So, I get a message from her this morning. What do you think that said? Because I'm all on, oh, you know, love dogs, you know, I even say, you know, I even reprimanded her saying you don't have a picture of your dog on your profile, you know. You don't want to guess do you?

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: Her dog died February 15th.

THERAPIST: Oh, my God.

CLIENT: And, she's kind of in a funk right now. I'm just like, you know,

THERAPIST: Right. You can't make this shit up. [00:14:30]

CLIENT: I mean I'm laughing about it, but I'm just, you know.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So, you know. And then I'm like, you know, let's say that this woman was telling the truth that she really is swamped.

THERAPIST: R?

CLIENT: R. Yeah. I'm trying, I was trying to figure out what are R names? You know. But, you know, I want to believe that what she said was true. You know, but I'm, I mean she's going to Connecticut. You know, and I was even questioning going to Connecticut, you know, beforehand. You know, I was like who is she going to Connecticut with? You know. So, you know, one thing I did remember is that, you know, in her, in her message to me if you're a forgiving person. So, I just I said oh, you know, I was, you know, I going to mention Connecticut, but I didn't. I was going to say oh, are you going to be working hard in Connecticut or, you know? So, I just said no worries, you know. Is it better sooner than later? You know. Whatever it said. When she resurfaces. [00:15:45]

But, so now, you know, I'm just like have I been blown off? You know, because now, you know, I would have rather her say, you know, something came up. I just I can't do this, you know. Good luck with life. You know. Because then I wouldn't be. Now, I'm, I'm being strung along. You know. And, you know, I'm Paige's trying to get me to move on and so I try to move on and what happens? The dog dies. You know. It's just, and I'm not going to hear from these other women. You know. So. I don't know what to do. I slept like three hours last night.

THERAPIST: Oh, my goodness. [00:16:45]

CLIENT: And, also, I've just, you know, I wish I was busy. You know, this is the problem is that things have slowed down. I've got a bit of work, but the people haven't sent me the money yet, which means I may never see the money. You know. And, you know, April's coming up and Ian's summer camp payment is due. You know, Jess's like, you owe thirteen hundred dollars and now I have to come up with twenty two hundred dollars to pay for my football tickets. So, I kind of, I'm like what am I going to do today? [00:18:00]

I guess, you know, the stuff I could do is in the office and I'm not going to the office. I could clean my office. And that was the only upside I could get out of this whole thing is I don't have to clean my apartment now. That was my biggest fear was that, you know, she'd want to go on a second date and oh, great, now I've got to clean my apartment. And, I've, I've got coupons and there's a sale this weekend at the store for 50 percent off and they wanted me to come back and tell them if, you know, how the date went and whether, you know, and buy the outfit for the second date. You know.

THERAPIST: You should be able to use the coupon for the outfit you bought, right? [00:19:00]

CLIENT: Well, yeah. I got it because I opened the credit card, but with that, they give like you a 10 percent discount and then they're having like a 40 percent discount this weekend. So, when you add everything up, it's going to be like over 50 percent. But, part of it, a big chunk of it is the sale they're having. So, it's like it's got to be this weekend, you know.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Because, the impression I get is that, you know, they're changing seasons or whatever. Moving to summer. You know. Or spring. I don't know. Whatever they're doing. So, I'm going to go home today. I'm not going to be able to sleep because I'm on speed. I won't drink. At least not until after I get some Chinese food in my system. I'm going to pout around on the dating website and the internet and watch the cable news. The same, you know, thing over and over and over again. I'm just so miserable. It's like I don't know what to do. You know. And I don't, you know, the Guinness woman it just happened to be dogs and Guinness and I was able to, you know. [00:20:45]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I was like in a way, you know, she even said Phil, you seem cool. You know. I was like, you know, where, where do you think, you know, pulls the best Guinness? You know, I was like for me it's the burn, you know the front tap, on the back on tap.

THERAPIST: It's a little sunny over there.

CLIENT: And, I was even, you know, even before yesterday, you know, for some reason I was questioning, you know, how effective my meds were. You know. Because maybe I've, I've had trouble sleeping longer and, you know, just getting frustrated at going over to the house and I don't know. Jess brought over a bunch of toys, so when Lucille finally comes over, you know, she's for her 15 minutes of, you know, daddy, daddy and then mommy, mommy she'll have something to play with. I guess I should probably clean up a little bit for her. But, I don't know. For a brief period of time, it seemed like things were, you know, ticking up. Tomorrow I have to drive to Essex where our meeting has moved. You know what I mean? [00:22:30]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I'm on fucking membership committee now. So, three life insurance people applied. They all work for the same company. We, I, interviewed during the snow storm the guy that everybody likes. He has got, you know, like five years' experience. The other two people. One guy has just a smudge experience, but apparently people noticed him just staring, ogling, at one of the women in the groups legs. Of course, my response was, you know, when she was pregnant I was, you know, ogling her boobs. They were huge. Which didn't go over well. So, he's not going to get in.

THERAPIST: Right. [00:23:20]

CLIENT: And then the third he's is one of the interviews tomorrow. The other interview tomorrow is this woman who just graduated from college. She has been out for four months. She has been doing this for four months and that's what you do when there is a crappy job market. You either sell life insurance or you sell mutual funds and 90 percent of the people fall out, you know, within the first year.

THERAPIST: Oh, I see. I understand. Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean I don't care how impressive she is. How smart she is. Whatever. No. I mean even if she was the only applicant, I would be adamant we can find someone else.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So, now I've got to go waste, you know, a couple of hours, you know, chatting with these people tomorrow and then the meeting and then I have to get back to the office to see about getting some work done. I did get a check from my super bowl winnings from one of my fantasy leagues which I will apply to the football tickets. It went to the house and Jess opened it up. It was an online payment, and I'm like why would she open it up? It kind of bothered me because now she knows that I have that money. You know. [00:25:00]

You know, I'm starting to get pissed off at Paige. You know. I don't think I've ever been pissed off with her before. She has always been kind of a lets you know her opinion. You know. I find her attractive, except for that. You know, she's very, you know. Oh, and then she made a comment. She's like well, you know, I never even liked her. She's either too skinny or she has too small a head. Which, I was like where did that come from? You know. And, then I'm like well, this is just and then I'm like I'm talking to women.

THERAPIST: She made a comment about R?

CLIENT: Yeah. And, then, you know, I'm thinking, you know, why, you know, I'm talking to women who are just going to, women don't have anything positive to say about other women. You know. It's, that's just they're women, you know. They all go to the bathroom together and they probably beat the shit out of each other when they get in there because they just can't stand each other. So, I replied, you know, not everyone can have a nice rack and a proportional head like you. And, I had said something else and she responded to that and was just like it's a rack and head. So, I sent her a, an article where they have done a study that men, not all, but a good number of men who are attracted to women with large breasts are sexists and that there's a correlation between a woman's breast size and how sexist they are. I like small breasts, so I guess I'm not sexist. That would have been a good topic of conversation, I'm sure. [00:27:00]

So, you know, at the board meeting we're, there's a group in Monmouth, Monmouth Farm, which is trying to convert this, I think it is a farm right now, but, the town was considering soccer fields and, you know, a lot of other things and these people convinced the town to, you know, make it a farm. But, they're just people. They're a board with nothing else. So, in fact, one of our board members is also, he left because he felt there was a conflict. So, it's now just Monmouth Farm, but he was with us as well.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And, the ideas that we're going to come in and run everything. You know, that they're going to be on the lease and, you know, and it will be Monmouth Farm.

THERAPIST: You guys will manage it?

CLIENT: You know. But, we would manage it. You know. So, I was like, you know, before this proposal, you know, the proposal is coming out in a couple of weeks. You know, you've got 60 days to submit your proposal. It's like, you know, we need to get, you know, it was kind of clear that not everybody was on the same page. And, I suggested that, you know, while we don't need to hammer out an agreement right away that we should have some memorandum of understanding, at least with the big terms. And, then when we went into Executive Session, which we kicked the ED and the staff, you know, out of the room to talk about it, the president's like, you know, Cameron, you know, Sharon kind of gave a, you know, a, I don't know exactly, but a, you know, like an oh, boy kind of look when I said memorandum of understanding. So, she wants me to push Sharon now, the executive director. [00:29:00]

THERAPIST: Who is Sharon?

CLIENT: The executive director. Sharon of the farm.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So, I was like I don't want to do that. You know. But, I sent Sharon an e-mail this morning anyways and now I've pretty much injected in to the process now. Drafting this thing and going to all the meetings and making sure it gets done because no one else will, you know. Which I'm not excited about.

THERAPIST: I imagine you feel a bunch of stuff about the dating stuff. Like, upset about it. Empty. Also, really confused and hopeless. I guess I imagine that you kind of really want to know what really happened with her. Probably because at least that way things seem a little more in control. [00:31:00]

CLIENT: That's what all these situations are like, you know. There's just, there's not knowing, you know. And, you know, I, I don't, I mean I'm a cynical person, but I just have a hard time reading anything negative in to what she wrote. You know. Why would she go through?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know. You know, it, you know, you can let people down easy or lie to them or whatever and it didn't seem like that.

THERAPIST: Wait. What negative thing could there be?

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean why even, you know, throw out there that, you know, you would contact me in the future or, you know, I mean if it, you know? I don't know.

THERAPIST: I mean who knows what she's got going on or where she's at, but it certainly couldn't be any kind of a comment on you. In that, I mean nothing's changed in this for you.

CLIENT: No. Unless she, you can, you can pay money to go look at people's profiles and not, and be invisible. You know. Like, when I go to someone's profile they know I've been there. But, you know, I knew she went to my profile when I first contacted her and she seems like the type that's kind of too busy to be doing stuff like that except change my profile. Add pictures, you know. You know. Maybe she saw the one with thinning hair, but I'm like that's not what happened.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And, the whole time, you know, I was just like. I mean I felt like to some degree she replied to me to just kind of be nice to me or whatever. You know. And, then I kind of convinced myself I'm like, oh, you know, maybe she actually found my, my messages to be charming and funny. [00:33:20]

THERAPIST: Well, I would imagine.

CLIENT: You know.

THERAPIST: There's plenty of people on that site. I mean she, you know, you don't plan a date with somebody just like because you feel bad for them would you?

CLIENT: And, like, when I said Andover Commons, she was like great. I don't know.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: I wanted home field advantage. It's my favorite place, so. And, they have high alcohol beers, so I could calm my nerves.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I mean she probably got just cold feet or she got...

CLIENT: Cold feet?

THERAPIST: Yeah, she got nervous.

CLIENT: It seems like she has been doing this a little while. You know. I don't know. Maybe she hasn't. You know. I mean the, the small, little positive voice somewhere in my body, I'm not sure where it is. Every once in a while it speaks out. [00:34:40]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know. Usually after I hear Modest Mouse Float On, you know, which is a song about shitty things happening, but, you know, you float on okay. You know. Thinking that... Now I've lost my train of thought.

THERAPIST: A small, positive voice.

CLIENT: I can't remember what I was thinking.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: You know, whether it was. I don't remember. I mean, my, I had, you know, maybe this is what I was going to say is, you know, she's in Andover. She's in school. She asked about the CFO Exam. So, my thoughts are she goes to Wellesley. You know, there's no good schools on this side of the river, so why would you live in Andover if you went to one of the other schools? Third year of school, even at Wellesley is not really heavy lifting, you know. But, maybe she's doing. I mean maybe she's just a second year. You know. Maybe she's a first year. I don't know. You know. So, maybe she just kind of panicked, you know, and was thinking that she just doesn't have the time or mental whatever for dating. So, I guess that's my thoughts on the experience, but everything else creeps in. You know.

THERAPIST: Like what?

CLIENT: Just like everything Paige has said and Madison has said. And, and I find myself arguing with them.

THERAPIST: What is it? So, the thing you said that Paige said was like oh, you know, maybe she got back together with her boyfriend. [00:37:00]

CLIENT: Just the fact that it, I don't care what the reason is. Just that it was an excuse and that's what bothers me. Because, that, you know.

THERAPIST: If somebody you care about...

CLIENT: It's like my worst, worst fear is, you know, and this happens in all kinds of situations with me where I'm really wondering, you know, what, what really is behind the curtain there. You know, what really is someone thinking, you know? You know, like, with Barbara. You know. Was it really that, you know, that my life is too complex?

THERAPIST: Was that really it?

CLIENT: Or, did she just not, you know, she finds me to be a drunken fool? You know. I don't know. And, I just kind of dwell on that kind of stuff. I don't know. [00:38:00]

THERAPIST: And, is that because.

CLIENT: Because I have low self-esteem. Did you, did you figure that out yet?

THERAPIST: That's pretty much what I was going to say, speak, but in a little bit of a different way, because you're struggling against your own sort of very self-critical thoughts that you're a drunken fool or that you give it over to her. You know, all of a sudden instead of being the one who's saying shitty things about himself, you know, there is a more of I guess a potential issue dealing with shitty things that you kind of split it up and then you're trying to...

CLIENT: It's not really shitty things. That may be the wrong word to use.

THERAPIST: Okay. [00:39:00]

CLIENT: Just, you know, I don't, hey, if that's, you know, she thinks I drink too much. Whatever. I don't care. You know, I'd rather, you know, not, if that's the case, it doesn't bother me. You know. It kind of bothers me how little she drinks, you know.

THERAPIST: So, then why does it, I imagine because why does it matter what...

CLIENT: I don't know.

THERAPIST: So, if she had conveyed well, Cameron, you know you're really kind of a drunken fool and that's why I don't want to go out with you, that would have not particularly upset you?

CLIENT: I don't know. I just feel like that would have been the honest answer. Not to say I would not have been, you know, just as upset or whatever. Just, you know, it's more...

THERAPIST: It's more the deceptiveness?

CLIENT: Yeah. I feel like I just, you know... [00:40:00]

THERAPIST: Well, that's in a way similar to what it often was with Jess. Not, not necessarily deceptiveness, although there was that. But, more like it really kind of shuts you down. I mean if you don't know what's going on, it sort of reminds me, of the, you know, the way you described things between you and Jess where you didn't even get a say. You know, you were shouted down or shut down or dismissed or whatever. You didn't even, you were not even like on the field. You were just kind of side lined and couldn't do anything. And, I guess, that this sounds a little similar to that. You know, if somebody's not going to tell you the truth. If they're just going to say whatever. It's like you don't even have a chance to evaluate what's going on or to like make any sense of it. You're just kind of. Is it a little bit like that?

CLIENT: I don't know. You know what comes to mind is Claire.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And, why she's not sending me business. [00:41:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know, she said well, you know, first it was she doesn't have a lot of buyers and then most recently it was everybody wants to use their own. You know. Which I can understand maybe part of the time, but no fucking deals in two, three years has it been now?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Having sent her over that time period several inquiries.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You know. So, I think, you know, what, you know, for me it becomes, you know, a competence thing. Not just, you know, my, what I'm thinking she's thinking is that, you know, Cameron's unstable and, you know I don't want that to, you know, cost me a commission. I mean that's why realtors. They use accountants for two reasons. One, they send them a shit load of business or number two, they get the job done and she prefers the accountant who gets the job done. She doesn't like dealing with other people's accountants because they fuck everything up.

THERAPIST: I see. [00:42:25]

CLIENT: That was a weird noise. So, you know, it's just, it's, it's that. You know. I just, I feel like I just, like there's stuff going on in the world that involves me that I just don't know, you know, like, I'm, I'm always going to be the last person to find out. You know.

THERAPIST: So, I guess that's part of what, what I'm wondering about is with like Claire. It sounds like the most painful thing wouldn't, in a way, it would be better if she called you up and said look, Cameron, you know, I know you've been, had depression and, you know, the stuff that happened with Jess and I just don't have confidence in sending you business anymore. I mean that would suck, but in a way, what I hear you saying is that if that's what she thought, and was direct about it, that somehow I would be better than just not. [00:43:30]

CLIENT: I don't even know that that's the case.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: I think it's just more these are the things that go through my mind and, you know, I torture myself with those thoughts not even taking in to consideration. And I think, to some degree, that's what I think the truth is and that's what hurts more. So, I would be fine, you know, if it really was that my life is too complicated for Barbara.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Maybe I have it backwards. But, if it's something else, she's just not interested in me. She thinks I drink too much. She thinks I'm too fat. I have no hair. Whatever. You know. I'm going to convince myself it's something else.

THERAPIST: Oh. I see.

CLIENT: And. [00:44:30]

THERAPIST: And, her leaving it like, if you're for some reason not confident of her answer, you're going to find a way to say well, that's probably not what she really meant. What she really meant was, you know, she's not attracted to me because I'm not attractive or whatever.

CLIENT: I have a hairy back.

THERAPIST: Oh, I see. So, you're going to kind of use it as a sort of open season on yourself.

CLIENT: Yeah. So, it's not, you know, hey, if Claire doesn't have any representatives, she doesn't have any representatives.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But, what about the sellers? You know.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Where are the seller reps? But, you know, I build up this story that makes it worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know. That I'm unstable.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know. Or, things were so weird, you know, when I was at my former position.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: That, you know, she just doesn't want to deal with me.

THERAPIST: I see. We should stop for now. I'm sorry about what happened.

CLIENT: Thanks. I'll be all better by Friday.

END TRANSCRIPT